2012

It’s 2012.

How time flies. Just like that, another year is gone. It seems the year passed with the blink of an eye doesn’t it? But then again, we say that every year don’t we? Every year seems to past by just as fast as the year before, and before you know it, it is the years that have flown by so fast.

It’s usually the time people reflect on the year that has just passed. It’s also the time people lay out their resolutions (and hopes) for the year to come. I’m tempted to start listing mine here, but I will spare you the agony of having to read them.

I’ve been rather silent in the past year. I don’t write as much as I used to. I can’t really explain why yet. A simple answer would be that I have nothing to write about. But that’s not always true. Many things have happened that I chose not to write about. I would say I don’t have the time, and this would be somewhat true. In between working in a demanding job and starting a new family, I have had very little time to simply sit down alone and have time to myself to write. But I think I have also changed. Sometimes I would jot them down somewhere. But when it comes down to it, I simple never bother to finish my post. I guess on an emotional level, you can say I have moved on to another phase. I no longer feel that need to pen down every emotion that I experience throughout the week. It just doesn’t seem like a big enough of a deal to be recorded in writing.

I also think it’s got a lot to do with the phase in life I am in right now. Once upon a time, I would write a lot about my mother and my ordeals in growing up in a broken and dysfunctional family. Then, I wrote a lot about my other half, about love and about life itself… many things I have come to experience as a young adult for the first time. But right now, to be honest, I am at a stage where there is no drama. There is no heart wrenching incident, there is no tear shedding moment. For this chapter of my life, God has granted me peace. A peace I am savoring every single day by not being in front of the computer, but instead, in front of the people I love. To me, this peace brings about a special kind of joy. A joy that - if I were to try to describe it - is neither loud nor always obvious, but present nonetheless. Like a smile rather than a laugh. Perhaps content is a better word. If I have written very little, it is because I have been busy being happy. And that is the priceless gift I have been given this past year, for which I am deeply grateful.

My greatest wish for 2012 would be just that; that I would again be too busy being happy.. Hopefully, the same would happen for you too.

Happy New Year dear friend. I hope all is well with you.

Warmest Regards
Me
 

of Puzzles & Love

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"Good morning beautiful. 8 long years filled with good times and bad times. Joy, laughter, tears & heartache; we felt them all. But the one that stands out the most: LOVE. Having your love gives me strength, loving you gives me courage. Happy Anniversary my dear. You are the love of my life. :-)"

"Darling, thank you so much for being so loving and patient throughout these 8 years. You've been there at my worst and shared my best. There is nothing more I could ask in return. You have given me so much. I love you with all my heart and I wish both of us life long happiness & companionship. Happy Anniversary. 

Today, we're celebrate our 8th year anniversary.

8th year commemorating what exactly? Of me being an hour late for our date. Of her being two hours late for our date. Of me trembling in fear as I blurted out words I could not have known were life changing..."Would you be my girlfriend."

Quite a number of people have asked me when or at what point did I know she was 'the one'. They wonder if there was some sort of dramatic defining moment set my heart for good. Others just assumed that since we've been so long together, it was just a matter of time...

I hate to burst their bubble, but there was no defining moment. And I'll tell you very honestly, even after many years of dating, it was never a guarantee that we would end up together, not for me at least.

Nothing happened that made me decide she was the one. In fact, there was a period of time that I asked myself if she was indeed the one. This went on for weeks, which turned into months and eventually years. We were comfortable with each other, we cared for one another, but I did not have an answer to my own question. Was she 'the one'? What was the one anyway? As if we we're all individual pieces of a jigsaw puzzle searching for others that were made to match us, worrying that we might not find them. I would often look at other women around and me and wonder if I'm supposed to be with them, that I just don't know it yet. I looked at them and asked myself that forbidden question "If I were not with someone right now, could I love this other person?" I never told anyone, but once or even twice, the answer didn't come back as a No.

And people just assume that after so and so many years together, you're bound to be together. Sadly, this isn't true. Last week, I sat for for 7 hours with a dear friend nursing a broken heart. They had dated for 4 years before he dumped her suddenly and abruptly, over MSN. In the never ending maze of my own heart, I had wondered if the number of years we clocked together made either of us carry on just so the past years do not go to waste. It's like making the right choices, but for all the wrong reasons. Right action, wrong intent. What a dilemma.

I did not wake up one morning realizing that I could not live without her. I'd be so bold as to say if I did not have in my life, I would have lived life all the same. But I did meet her, and she did come in my life. What did happen was that in between one of those many lazy Sunday mornings watching cartoons & bickering about taking out the trash, she made me feel loved even in the most nonchalant way. The best of her made me proud, and the worst of her gave me headaches... but I loved her anyway. A smile on the face comes from a happy heart... and she made me smile a lot so I knew I was happy. I still hadn't figured out whether she was the piece of the puzzle meant for me, or if I could be happier with someone else, but I allowed my mind to wonder into the future, and I found myself thinking that if I had a son, I wanted him to have a mom like her. And if I had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like her mom. I could picture no one else.

And vaguely, I guess that's when I knew, she was the one. That's what I'm celebrating today. And someone across the sea, I knew she is too.

The day we met (when fate & love collide)

The rain was just stopping as we came out of the car. Victoria Station... one of the steak houses in Malaysia we've been talking about trying for ages but never did. After donkey years of talk only, I finally said to her, we're going. The place was quiet and rather empty.. no doubt due to the rain. We were seated and ordered... steaks, lobster, soup, salad... and of course, a bottle of red wine. We settled in and before long, we were already busy chatting away like old friends...going on about how fast things seemed to go by in a flash, the challenges we faced, how we met, etc etc

"You look so beautiful tonight dear..." I say to her.

"You always tell me that.. all the time. Fat or thin, jeans or dress. I can never believe you." she replies..

"What? That's because you DO look beautiful all the time." I reply.

"You ar...You only say that because you love me" she smiles...

"No. Who says so? Who says I love you..." I shoot back and she gives me a spank my hand and shows me the face for being cheeky...

It was our 7th anniversary of being together......... She NEVER tires of telling people the story of how we met or how we ended up together. Most of the time, I let her do the telling.. but here's how it went.... roughly..

*******************

7 years ago on that day, we went out on what would be our second date and third time meeting face to face. I had arrived AN HOUR late from from our meeting time. Neither of us had a mobile back then, so it was hard to try and reschedule. I couldn't find her when I arrived at the entrance. I thought the worst; she had left. She was probably pissed off after waiting for so long and walked off. I was completely dejected and miserable. I had blown it. After a whole year of waiting, I had blown it off. I thought of leaving, but against hope of hopes, I stayed there thinking maybe I could spot her passing the entrance and try to salvage something. So I just sat there, staring into the nothingness... waiting for apparently nothing, lost in my own thought.

An hour of sitting there... at the brink of leaving, and she shows up...and in a hurry too.. She whisk me away, dragging me along with her even before I had a chance to say anything. As we headed towards the washroom, she explained; she had woken up LATE! So she rushed to get ready to catch the next bus, and in doing so, she had put on her blouse inward out. She didn't notice until the persons behind her started giggling.

"Don't laugh at me ar..." she said.

I burst out laughing... more in relief that in amusement. I thought I had screwed up... Turns out she screwed up even more. Haha..... It caught me off guard. It was the last thing I'd expect out of this date. One an hour late, the other, TWO. But I was just so glad that she was there. I still had a chance.

Hours later, after dinner and movie, as the evening sun went down, we sat in front of the entrance, waiting for someone to come pick us up.

"Do you have something to tell me? Are you OK?" she prodded and prodded

I couldn't stop shaking. I was a nervous wreck, I was having cold sweat, my heart was racing.. I didn't know how to be charming and witty, I didn't know how to be confident and suave... I only knew that I was crazy about this girl. There was this looming feeling that I was supposed to DO something. (she especially likes emphasizing and exaggerating this next part) And so, at a sudden impulse, with as much elegance and poise as a drunkard sailor, I reached out, grabbed her hands and blurted (more like vomited) out "Would you be my girlfriend?"... just like that.. out of the blue.. no introduction.. no elaboration, nothing.... (GOWD.. Talk about lacking finess)..... She keeps silent.. and I felt like an even bigger fool that before.

"Let me think about it..." she tells me with a wily smile on her face.

"OK..... " I replied.

I hadn't expected myself to do that. And after a while of silence, I felt like I was not only ill prepared to ask that question, I was also not ready to hear the answer. What if she said no?

"On second thought, you don't have to answer me tonight OK. Think about it and just give me an answer when you're ready." I said.

"OK. But I'm ready to give you an answer now. Do you want to hear it?" she asks.

"WHAT? NO. DON'T TELL ME. I'm not ready yet." I responded.. This was going waaaay to fast....

And so she keeps quiet. Our ride comes, and we head toward the car..... There could be no more lovey dovey talk once we were inside. Just before we entered the car... she turns to me, and she bursts out..

"Oh ya.. by the way... the answer is YES."

We got in the car, I turned back and whispered to her "Did you just say yes?"

"I don't know. What do you think?" she says with a grin... and I just smile back at her. She sure had a way of catching me off guard. And the rest they say.. is history....

********************

I smiled a lot throughout the night.. partially because we finished a bottle of wine between the two of us and I was feeling quite relaxed... partially because of the two items sitting safely inside my jacket pocket. I hid it there.. it was the last place she would search (if she was searching that is). My mind wasn't on dinner.. it was on the two items in my pocket.

I called for the bill, tipped the waiter, and made our way to the car. I spot the waiters and other customers eying her as we walk by. She really looked beautiful. I don't know why she never believes me.

It had started drizzling again. Darn it. A quick "Tolong saya-lah Tuhan (God help me!)" under my lips... and I suggested to her that I wanted to walk in the park.. Eat too much... need to digest a bit.

"But it's drizzling..."

"Ya.. it's not VERY heavy.. and I really feel like I need a walk. Come la.. lets go. I'm sure it'll stop."

"............. OK."

Proposing in the restaurant seemed a bit cliche.. and not quite my style. I had other plans. The lame excuse about wanting to take a walk was just a front. I knew I was never the type to come with flowers, go down on bended knee and propose in public. Sooo.. not me la.. I have never gave much serious thought about how I would propose to my future wife when I was younger. But when I finally did start to think about it, I knew mine would have to be personal.. and meaningful.... something significant.. not to others.. but to the two of us. That was how I decided when, where and most importantly, HOW I was going to propose.

So far, so good.

Off we drove.. towards the park for 'a walk'. There wasn't a more perfect time to propose than tonight.. our anniversary. And there wasn't a more perfect place to do it than there, in that park... at that very place, that very spot where we first met.

Now, if only the rain would just stop for a while............