Silence is a Word

The thing about communications is, sometimes, even when you don't say anything, even if you keep perfectly silent, you are still saying something.

So when you choose to keep quite my dear... I'm left to wonder.. what are you trying to say?

Sometimes, I actually think I do understand it.. But times like these, I just don't want to.

Renewing Bonds

I received a surprise call from one of my old college friends the other day.

He was actually the very first person I befriended when I started life in college. In fact, he was the only one I considered a 'friend' in my first year. In my second year, I made a few more. By the end of my forth year, I counted only 5 as 'friends' in the truest sense. The language might have been a barrier, but I think I was slow to make friends in those years. Perhaps even now.

And the thing about talking to old friends.. is that you always end up talking about all the others in the same batch. We were in the same clique after all.

It would seem none of us bothered keeping much in contact with each other. Not much of a surprise there. Half of that was actually my own doing. As I write this, all of them are away. One went on a working holiday to Australia for a year, another is in Singapore and another is off the shores of Sarawak drilling for oil. But that isn't much of an excuse. Even when they were right here in KL, I never bothered calling them. Not even a sms, chat or instant message. I was never interested to. And I guess neither were they. Some friends we are huh?

It wasn't like we had any falling out.We still chatted like old pals when we met. But I felt the bonds slowly growing thin.... and I didn't feel the need to strengthen them before they eventually broke. Perhaps I am being arrogant and reclusive.

I ask myself why with some, I feel so eager to fuel and keep the fires of friendship going... even if it meant going out of my way to call or meet them, whereas with some, I simply couldn't be bothered.

A simplistic way of seeing is is that I am merely moving on. That there was a time and place for those things.. but now.. it's time to move on to other things. But if that were so, why do I not feel that way about every other friendship? What distinguishes bonds that do lead you to a desire to renew and maintain it, and those that don't?

*Shrughs*

The closest I've gotten to an answer is this:

We keep in touch with people we are still able to identify with. People whom, when we look at them... some part of them... is just like us. That when we look at them.. we see ourselves.. or at least a hint of it. And when we associate that person to ourselves... an emotional bond develops. They become...almost an extension of us...and that's why whenever we feel that connection fading... as if an extension of us is close to being severed.... we feel the need to mend it.

Make sense much?

No?

I knew I shouldn't have drank that coffee...

Good night folks..

Google +/- ?!

Someone sent me an invitation to join Google+. I had left that mail in my inbox and ignored it for 2 months. Finally I decided "Oh what the hell.. no harm trying.." and clicked join.

5 minutes later, I deleted my Google+ account.

Not that I didn't like it.

I just didn't have the energy to start out over on another social networking site. My Facebook is already rather neglected.... who am I to start another social networking account.

I started out with Friendster.. which was quite novel at the time. I skipped Hi5, Myspace and a slew of other randowm networking sites. Couldn't dodge Facebook. Hated Buzz and now, Google+ has been automatically disqualifed for no fault of its own.

I think we live in an age of over connectivity. Those who live in the city already have internet all the time. People who carry iPhones and Blackberrys have their emails in their pockets. Things like WhatsApp or BBM make texting each other a breeze. It's making it ever more convenient for us to connect to one another, but it's not actually making us want to.Or maybe that's just me. I don't want to be connected and contactable all the time. Even with my own boss, colleague, wife or family, I sometimes deliberately ignore their calls. It's fatigue from over connectivity.

When two people have a desire to connect, they will find a way. Once upon a time, it was letters, then telegrams, then phone, then emails, then instant messaging. Today, it's all of the above. Yet, I still find myself no where closer to catching up with people I've promised to catch up with so many weeks and months ago.

An old friend asked me a while ago why I was never on MSN chat. I said I never bother to... and asked why she did. She said it was a great way to keep in touch with everyone at one time. I said if you wanted to keep in touch with me, all you had to do was call. We could talk over the phone or meet up. That's catching up to me.

We are born with 5 senses ;sight, smell, sound and touch and taste. These are the gateways we experience life and each other. If we chat computer to computer, I don't see you in the flesh, I don't smell your scent, I don't hear your voice, I can't touch your skin... and I obviously can't taste you. But if we meet face to face, I see you before my eyes, I can detect you scent, I can hear you loud and clear, I can hold you and make eye physical contact. I obviously still won't taste you (since licking your friends seems rather inappropriate for cannibalistic or sexual reasons). BUT, we do share a meal together, hence a shared experience of taste right?

Anyway, what it really boils down to is this. I' not a hermit. I enjoy keeping in touch with my social circle.... in the flesh and blood that is. The over connectivity I'm talking about is the over connectivity to the virtual world. In the virtual word, 'smileys; 'lol' and other assorted abbreviations and internet lingo become substitute for real human interaction. Which too me, is kinda like being short changed. You want life like a really hearty and wholesome home cooked dinner. Not a genetically modified, artifically flavoured, mass produced burger from crappy fast food chain.

That's why whenever I feel a strong connection with someone, I inevitable have the urge to meet them. Our own minds tell us that there is more to connectivity than just the instant part of it.

Is what I'm saying making any sense to anyone else? 

Of Men & Love

I hope you find him some day. The man that will recognize you for who and what you are. The man that will look into your eyes and see what I see; a gentle and beautiful soul. One that loves, one that cares, one that is loyal to the very end.

I wish I could explain to you why other lesser women have managed to find undeservedly better men, while you watch as chance after chance pass you by and age catches up. Most days I'm inclined to whack one of my fellow man in the face with a metal pan. They chase young and pretty looking things that wither with time. Are they really so blind to not see the timeless beauties that are right before them?

But do not mourn the loss of men who never saw your true worth in the first place, dear friend. Though your heart aches for the miss opportunities, the wonderful what-if's, know that in truth, it is they who have lost, though they know it not. In your heart, you feel that a good thing has passed you by. You blame yourself for not seizing what was right within your grasp. But what you desired to grasp might well have been nothing more than illusions of perfection. The perfect man for you would have been the one that was good enough to make you actually reach out to him, but better still, good enough that you didn't need to.

Forget them. Forget him. I thought of telling you there are plenty of other men out there. But that would somehow imply that you NEED a man before you can be happy.

I think that you should just focus on being all that you can be in this life, keep your heart of gold, continue to hope, trust and love...... and somewhere, somehow along the way on this rocky road called life..... love will find you. Maybe not in the form of a man, but surely in the form of something that will remind you that life is beautiful, and worth living, and that love, in whatever form that is, always comes to those who have it in their own hearts.

My thoughts to you...

When Rainbows Still Enchant You

For the life of me, I still can't figure it out.

But there is something about you that just completely melts me. I know you get that from many men, and its nothing unusual for you. But it's unusual for me. Because I don't get that way with many women. In fact, just you.

It's like I'm permanently enchanted by you... even as I know you had cast no such spells on me.

I still feel so silly.. silly like a 12 year old still trying to deal with his first crush five years on. Silly like a 12 year old who still gets butterflies in his stomach just thinking about the girl. Silly like a 26 year old admitting he feels like a 12 year old.

You've always made me feel silly that way. But I wouldn't say it was or is a bad thing. Only that it is so.

How are things? How are you? What's going on? How's your new love? I don't even know. It's not even my place to know anymore. I tell myself that sometimess, in order for new things to flow in, others must bow out...and stay out... even if that others means me.

After all this time, I fully expected this fondness I have for you to have died down. It's the only way I can really believe that I wasn't weak, that I know how to move on, that I don't live in the past.

Yet, here I am, silently stalking you online like some creepy weirdo, still feeling deep down somewhere the remnants of that short but burning passion that we experienced together once upon a time.

There are only two ways I can explain it to myself. Either it is me; who has somehow developed a dysfunction or obsession with you that even watching you sing a simple song on youtube makes me feel like a silly boy too shy to admit his admiration, only daring to observe from afar...Or its you; you and your uniqueness, rawness, courage, weakness, strength and zest for life. Maybe that is the thing that has gotten me so transfixed. Like the light of a firefly hovering over a calm river at night... my eyes fall so naturally on you.. with such wonder and fondness...because your spark, like that of a firefly, is gentle and small, yet bright enough to make a dark river become magical dance of light.

The happier I see you, the happier I am too. I'd say live well... but I think you need no advice on that.


My warmest wishes and constant prayers for you dear friend.

Coffeshop Talk : The Meaning of Life

Spoken over a cup of coffee....

“My brother is still asking me what’s the meaning of life. What do you think I should say to him?”

“Tell him to look for the answer in church….”

“CHURCH? I don’t think he’ll be impressed by that answer.”

“Because if you try to look for the answer only in science and logic, it’s all doom and gloom. The facts tell us that life is basically about being born, growing up, falling sick, growing old, then dying. It does little to give any meaning or reason to it.”

“But if you want truth and meaning, then you need to look beyond science and facts… And start looking into religion, faith and spirituality.. Because the question of truth isn’t purely factual, its spiritual.”

“Hmmm……….so what do you think IS the meaning of life then?”

“Do I look like a Sage on a hill to you?”

“Come on, I’m sure you have an answer…”

“AN answer yes.. but not THE answer….”

“I think….. the meaning of life…. is………… relationship.”

“I think all of life is about that; our relationship with our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends, colleagues, etc and also with God. I think relationships give meaning to life. That’s why 80% of the time, our worries and concerns in life are about relationship. Other things like money problems can always be worked out… and they almost always do.”

“But relationship issues are usually what give us the biggest thrills as well as heartaches. That’s why all the pop songs are love songs… Relationships stir and inspire us the most because ultimately, it’s what we all are wired to do – develop relationships.”

“And what about love? Do you think that there’s still a place for that? Because I know so many people who just don’t bother about love anymore.”

“I dunno….. I think that deep down inside, we’re all idealistic people. We want to believe that love is enough, that love is all conquering, that when two people love one another there is nothing they cannot overcome. I still try to hold on to that belief in my heart even as many others throw it out the window.”

“My own mother is like that. She is only concerned with money, security and materials… Nothing about love or relationships. What do you say to people like that? How do you make them believe in love again?”

“I don’t know………. Nothing really.”

“Really? Nothing?”

“I mean, you can’t really change them if that’s what you mean to do. But what you CAN do, is love them and make sure they know they are loved…. not because of anything they have, but simply because you do. Hopefully they will come around.....”

“And that’s the beauty about love; it’s not a zero sum game, it’s not a ledger sheet that must balance out. People love not because they gain a benefit out of it. On the contrary, people love because they want to bestow a benefit to someone else…even at their own expense.”

“A lot of times, people don’t know how to love because they have never been shown love, or they don’t recognize it when it’s there.”

“So you think I should try to get my brother a girlfriend? So that he can learn about relationships and love and stuff like that?”

“Hahaha… NO.”

“Then?”

“Tell him to go to church.”

***************************************


The poetry of life, with the love it contains and that contains it, is the only response to death - E. Morin, French philosopher and sociologist

The Important Stuff?

If I asked you to name what the truly important things in life are, what would you say?

Would you say family? Friends? Work? God? Money? What would it be? What do you think you need in order for your life to be well lived?

Some people know exactly what they want to be happy. Other people can't really be bothered. But people like me – I constantly find myself asking this question. People tell me not to think so much, but I find this to be a question we all eventually have to answer at some point. The answer to this seems to define who we are, how we think and the kind of choices we make in life.

Every decision we make in life in some way ties back to what we consider important to us.

3 people I know recently quit their jobs. They wanted to find a different kind of job; something that was less taxing; something that enabled them to be physically with their family more often, even if it meant taking a pay cut. Career and money wasn’t quite important to them as being physically present at home.

I found this act unthinkable. I felt it was a mistake. Because despite living in the 21st century, I still felt that a man’s primary role in the family was to protect and to provide. And since a man’s primary means of providing was his job, to actually commit career suicide and take on a dead end job was unacceptable to me. I love my family. But I felt the way to take care of them was to at least do well in providing.

But there was something there for me to think about. I wonder for a moment if perhaps they have got it right and I’ve got it wrong.

In one of our conversations, my fiancée said to me that money didn’t matter to her. As long as we were together and we had enough, she’s happy. And I felt immensely comforted by that. But it also just made me want to provide even better for such a wonderful person. Surely, she deserved it.

A few days back, I was sitting in the backseat of a car travelling through the rural areas of Thailand. The land seemed so detached from the rest of the world. No big commercial signboards asking you to buy this or buy that, no people with fancy cars and cloths walking around….. nothing around to suggest to you that perhaps your life would be happier if you had that something more (that you can buy for just $99.99 at your nearby department store). There were a bunch of kids running around bare footed and on bikes. I leaned forward in my seat to take a good look at them playing ‘kejar kejar’ (or catch). And against the orange sunset and green paddy fields, I couldn’t imagine anyone being any happier or contented than them. Just a week earlier sitting in a café in Singapore, I felt like I just needed to get that latest Blackberry phone before I could feel happy.

I leaned back at my seat and asked myself “What is this all for? If I make it good in life and give everyone everything they can want, will I have the kind of happiness these simple kids have? Is having more really going to give me more happiness?”

And even though my own answer to this question was “No, money doesn’t make you happy”, here I was chasing the dollar just like everyone else. Here I was busting my butt, working hard, travelling extensively, sacrificing weeknights and weekends, minding my career, all in the name of gaining more.

I asked myself if I ever could just let it all go and do what those three men did – get a dead end job and spend more time with your family. I few conversations with people about these things and I half joked that one day I would just quit and be a teacher. Some actually encouraged me to do so whereas the most of them said it wouldn’t be a surprise considering ‘its you’ (whatever that’s supposed to mean).

But my answer to myself was still no. Not because I don’t want to…… but because I dare not.

If I wasn’t providing for my family, I wouldn’t know what I would be doing. My identity has now tied back to my job more than I’d like it to.

Back at the hotel, I booted my computer and tried to write again (for the tenth time) what I thought really mattered in life. After a few paragraphs, I realized I was just regurgitating the same old stuff I had already said before. So I stopped.

I asked myself at which points in my life do I feel the most contented and happy. For some people it’s when they have achieved some sort of goal in life. But honestly, I have never harboured any sort of ‘things I must achieve’ in life. Believe it or not, I actually do not know where my life is leading, or where I want to end up. But I realized over the past year or so that my happiest and most memorable moments were always when particular relationships were blossoming or going well. And the most painful ones were almost always at the breakdown or deterioration of it. Healing only came to me when relationships were restored.

I guess relationships are one of the most important things to me.

Perhaps this is true for everyone else too…. but I wonder if this is more so for me than others.

Then I wondered again.. then why haven't I quit my job?

The Ones That Matter

“You did not invite everyone.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you invited only half of the group. That’s not very nice. You should have invited all of them and let them decide if they want to come.”

“I invited the ones that I want to be there. I have no more relationship with the rest of them, why should I invite them? I haven’t spoken to them in 8 years! And suddenly I have to act like I want them at my wedding?”

“But at least you shared a common past. At least they were someone to you once upon a time. And that merits an invite. PLUS….. not everyone you’re inviting is going to be able to make it. So its better for you to over-invite and end up with just about the numbers you want. I just attend a wedding last week, and there were so many empty tables. It doesn’t look good. Trust me, you don’t want yours to look like that.”

“I'm not there to 'fill out the numbers'. You are just talking about the ‘chinese bunch’. That's what you all the 'group'. That’s how you draw your circle. But I never stuck to that circle in the first place. I mixed around a lot more with everyone that you guys. I was a lot closer to other Malays and India in our class than I ever was with the Chinese… and if I go by your reasoning, I’ll have to invite HALF THE WHOLE FREAKING VILLAGE.”

“It’s up to you. But people talk. And sooner or later, they going to find out you didn’t invite them, and they might get offended.”

“So? As far as I’m concerned, if I haven’t spoken to you or seen your face in 8 years, we make no effort whatsoever to maintain relationship, you don’t merit an invite…. Because there IS NO relationship. What’s there to be offended?”

***************************************

It seems my wedding invitation list has been an interesting topic of discussion between some quarters. It’s a guessing game on why certain people were invited and some were not. I do admit it may come across as odd. Some people I deliberately DIDN’T invite despite knowing for almost 10 years, and others I have gone out of my way to invite even if I’ve known them in recent times. Generally, 3 categories of people have emerged.

The first are the obvious ones. These are family, relatives, close friends. People fully expecting to be invited and do get invited. You could call this the ‘mandatory’ list; because there’s an unspoken rule that it’s mandatory for you to invite and mandatory for them to attend.

The second one is what I call the limbo list. They are neither here nor there. Perhaps some of them were expecting to be invited (if they find out about it)¸but mysteriously never got an invitation. It is the category of people that I was debating about above with a friend.

The third list is the wild card list. These are the people who never actually expect to get invited, but for some mysterious reason, they do. They’re usually left scratching their heads wondering why. I had to laugh when someone in this category asked another friend why they merited an invite when it seems we’ve met only a few times. And perhaps this friend understood my heart more than most, she said to him "Well... I think he likes you very much."

As far as I was concerned, there was no such thing as an ‘across the board’ invitation. Weddings are special, intimate and personal. Everyone on the list is considered individually. My fiancée and I discussed it very early on and agreed that the wedding will not be some big, grand event, but rather an intimate, meaningful, private event only with people closest to us.

The question of who and why they matter to you is a question of the heart; it doesn’t always follow social conventions. In fact, after going through it, I realize that it breaks social conventions. Because in considering someone, I disregarded factors such as historical past, how long I’ve known them, what my current status is with them etc. Instead, I asked myself simple questions; Is this person significant to me? Am I fond of this person? Do I want them in my life hereon after? In other words, which ones do you think are for keeps? Because if marriage is meant to be for a lifetime, then the people most fitting to be there to witness and celebrate it should be the ones you intend to keep for life. It’s as simple as that.

And that’s how we both ended up with a rather odd list of guest invited. Some we’ve known for a decade, some barely a year, some from work, some from school, some from across the road, some from the other side of the world. But they all have one thing in common – they matter to us in one way or another.

And if that has offended some people… well… they never mattered in the first place anyway.

When Boys Grow Up

Warning: This is an emotional, but nevertheless honest little rant... so if you would just bare with me for a few paragraphs... 

When I was growing up I used to look up to my father. He was this great man that always knew the answer to everything. To me he was knowledgeable, intelligent, wise and charming… and all I wanted to do was be like him when I was older. I always looked to him for an answer or solution when life threw bricks at us. And I had my brother. He has just two years older than me, but he was nothing like me. I was this shy, timid little boy and he was this adventurous, brave and fearless big brother who would always lead the way, be it into a big monsoon drain, abandoned swamp or the girls toilet. I was always his sidekick, following him loyally… from the back of course.

That was me. I was never ever the guy in front. I was always the guy in the background. The one looking up to others, following others. I’m good at playing the supporting actor in life. I’m good at being the backup guy. It’s the role I’ve been playing all my life.

But now I’m scared. Because I realize I can’t play that role anymore. I’m not allowed to. There is no one to follow anymore. There is no one to hide behind. I’m in front now… I’m holding the baton now… and it’s up to me to make things happens. It’s up to me to make life work.

As I reach the final month before my wedding, I realize that I really have no one to talk to about all these anxieties and fears that have creep up on me. I’m about to start a family. I’m about to be a husband.. and in the future a father… and the head of a new household… and I don’t know who I can turn to for guidance. My own father has failed not once, not twice, but three times in marriage. Somehow, I cannot see myself going to him for advice on how to make things work. My brother is only going into his second year of a steady relationship. In some sense, I feel like I have surpassed them in a way. I know I can count on their love… but not necessarily their advice.

As I go into my third year of being an employee, I realize that I have come a long long way since I started. I have learned so much, and have expanded my horizons far beyond what I could have imagined possible as a student. I find myself suddenly being the top pick of my boss to help him run his company. He puts enormous amounts of work, pressure and trust on me, fully expecting me to keep up and perform. It’s not without its rewards. He gives me a good salary, and tells me in no unclear terms that he’s grooming me for the top. It’s mine to take…….. if I can perform. But I see that in grooming me, he’s trying to make me into him. I can’t do that. I can’t be him. I neither have it in me, nor do I want to be him. I will learn what I can, but I must be who I am, not what he wants me to be.

And again, I find myself having no one to ask for guidance and advice when it comes to my career and work. I try talking to my brother and father about things… but then I realize that many of the things I talk about are new to them. They don’t know the kind of industry I’m in, nor the kind of world I’ve gotten myself suck into. My fiancée supports me and encourages me in all I do. She acts as a soothing balm to the hard, edgy, high pressure environment I face at work. But she cannot advice me. One dear friend tells me I should just quit this job and migrate to Australia… or find some job here that’s less taxing…. so that I can be closer to God. But she doesn’t understand…I feel enormous pressure to provide for my family. I may be young, but there are 5 heads dependant on me… and that’s just now. What happens when the fiancée starts to want to have children?

God knows I’m trying…. I’m trying so hard. I spend all my weekdays and weeknights slugging it out at work… committing myself a 110% to what is required of me. Then I go home and commit 110% to my family… trying to do as much as I can.. taking care of bills, giving them money, taking care of their needs, listening to their complaints, solving their problems. And on weekends, I commit 110% to others… people who aren’t family… but still people I consider dear to me… and I sit and listen for hours to them talk about their lives and their problems and their heartaches.. I clear out my schedule with no questions asked, I travel tens of miles, I squeeze in dinners or suppers or breakfast… as my commitment to the friendship…Some people evolve their lives around making money or what not. But this is my life.. my life is about me being of service to others, as an act of love..and praying and hoping to God that it will pay off.....and even still…….I don't know how I'm fairing. No one ever tells me how good a husband or son or son-in-law or brother or friend or enemy I have been. I don't know where I stand in peoples books. 

I’m old fashion. I believe a man’s worth is in his ability to be a good provider to his family, a faithful and caring husband, loving but stern father and a genuine and sincere friend…. If I can achieve all this things in my life… then I will have considered myself a success in life.

But since there really isn’t anymore in my life I can turn to anymore, all I have are my wits to guide me. All I have is this mind thinks so much it overheats. All I have is this heart that swings between extremes so much it feels like it’s on the verge of tearing apart. And I’m terrified that that is not enough.

The Art of Loving

I have never met a person who isn’t searching for something in their lives….

It’s like deep within us, we are all looking for that one elusive ingredient to complete our lives… We think that once we get our hands on that missing piece, our lives will be finally be complete. It’s many things for many different people; money, power, wealth, respect, standing, recognition, companionship, friendship, fellowship, bonds, experience, wisdom, intelligence, security, variety, space, freedom, fulfilment, peace, excitement, closure, hope, truth; But for many of us it’s really just boils down to the search for one simple thing – love.

Common in all of our hearts is the belief that once you find love, you will have also found happiness, fulfilment and meaning. We make love the cornerstone of our existence. We believe in its power. We trust in its ability to heal wounds, bridge gaps, soften hearts, open doors and forgive mistakes. We believe it so much that it’s just about the only thing we sing to on the radio these days.

We all know that love something very real and very significant. We feel its presence and its effects in our lives. It changes the way we think and the way we feel. It makes cheesy loves songs meaningful, it makes impulses seem natural and it makes all the crazy things you do for your lover make perfect sense. And we want all that. We want love in our lives.

And so out we go searching and searching for love. We look for it in the eyes of others. We long for the day when we will finally find the one person who will mean the beginning our love story… the beginning of our road to happiness, fulfilment and meaning. That elusive ingredient now becomes a walking, talking person somewhere out there holding the keys to our heart. We're all desperately looking for this person. We call this the search for the love of our life.

And how elusive this search is. Some wait and wait and wait because all good things come to those who wait.. and yet that’s all you seem to be doing – waiting. Others get their heart broken over and over and over again… because you never really know till you give it a chance… and yet all they have to show for is a heart in tatters, held together through sheer willpower and a refusal to give up.

We usually can’t explain why we fall in love with certain people and not others. I believe the seeds of love are planted not by our own hands, but by powers from above. That’s what people mean when they say love is blind; you never know where it’s going to sprout. And yet for any love to last, it must be tenderly nurtured and cared for. How well a love grows depends on the two sets of hands that tend to it. And that’s where so many people stumble. They prematurely throw it all away believing the seed is bad, believe that it’s doomed for failure. But in relationships, it’s more about your capacity to love rather than how lovable the other person is.

It’s not about whether or not this person has all the right qualities, it’s not about whether or not this person is the right ingredient you need for your life to be complete, its not even about whether or not you’re compatible with one another. It simply about whether or not you can find it in your heart to love someone for all their strength and despite all their flaws.

We ask ourselves all the wrong questions when trying to evaluate love. Is this person right for me? Do we have things in common? Are we too different? Can he/she make me happy? Is there someone better? But the question we really should be asking ourselves is; how prepared am I to do what it takes to make this work? Am I willing to make the necessary sacrifices for this relationship? Am I prepared to love unconditionally, through words and action, with no expectation of returns?

I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. I don’t have a whole collection of ex-girlfriends stories to learn from. I just have one simple relationship that has worked out really really well, going into its ninth year. A lot of people have said to me that I have been lucky to have found the ‘love of my life’ so easily. Yes, I am lucky. But they do not understand. I’m here today not because I am lucky enough to have just ‘stumbled’ into the love of my life…

I’m here because I nurtured, protected and defended this love with all my heart and soul when it sprouted. I’m here because I refused to give up even when it seemed hardest. I’m here because I believed that if there is to be love in a relationship, it must begin with me giving it and not asking for it. I’m here because I risked my heart and gave it my all not knowing if it will ever be returned or recognized. The lucky part was then I was loved in return. I know not everyone is that lucky.

We are all so preoccupied with searching for ‘the right one’ when what we really need to be doing is learning how to grow in our capacity to love. We need to shatter the illusion that love is something you find ‘out there’.



Go to the bookstore and you will find shelves upon shelves dedicated to topics of finance, economics, politics, current events, philosophy, arts, science, design…… but have you ever come across a ‘love’ section? (Valentine cards sections don’t count). Is there a book on "Idiots Guide to Love"?

Am I the only one who finds this strange? That such a central subject in our lives does not even have a small shelf of its own in our bookstores? … Isn’t it more critical for us to be learning about loving one another before we start learning about the economic principles, accounting practices, engineering fundamentals and political sciences?

Why isn’t love a subject thought in school? Why is the issue of sex education in school being so hotly debated without ever considering this – you can’t teach people about sex without also teaching them about love. The two are intertwined to the core. You can’t learn about one and not the other. Why hasn’t anyone said this yet? Why can you teach and earn a Bachelor in Psychology but not a degree in the art of loving?

For a society that sings as many love songs as we do on the radio… we’ve sure gotten our priorities all upside down. We have given far too much thought to everything else in this world, and not enough to the things that truly matter.For a people so desperately seeking for love, we sure have lost the point.

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a great teacher who got down on his knees to wash the feet of his followers. This was a task only servants did for guest of the house, not by teachers for their students. And yet he did it in humility, service and selflessness. And after he did it, he had only one thing to say to his followers.. “ love one another as I have loved you.” This was the final and most important lesson he had for his followers because he knew that the next day, he would be arrested, tortured and executed in a botched trial.

Think about it…. of all the things he could have chosen to teach on that final night, he chose to teach us a lesson on love. Doesn’t that tell you something?

That man’s name was Jesus Christ.. And let me tell you something…. He got it right.

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1~3

Romance & Disillusionment

I remember attending this counselling course to helping people in their preparations for their wedding. It was hosted by an elderly couple married for about 40 years now.

One of the things they said was about how practically all relationships go through periodical cycles of romance and disillusionment with one another.

There will be times when we believe we have found ourselves the most wonderful of persons ever in this world. We wonder how we will ever do without them. We count our lucky stars for having met this most awesome and wonderful person in our lives. This is called the periods of romance. When the mushy feelings of love and care just seem to intertwine seamlessly into our lives and everything is just fine and dandy.

Then there are the times when we find ourselves completely disillusioned with the other person. If romance is when everything the other person does is just oh-so-sweet-and-awesome and things just feel right, then disillusionment is the opposite. You wonder how on earth you ended up here and everything about the relationship just feels wrong. Doubts creep in. You feel like perhaps you ought to be with someone else or with no one at all. You wonder how far this relationship can go, how happy you really are, if this is what you really want.

I think it’s a very important that people come to realize this about relationships. That there will be times of romance and times of disillusionment – but both of which are necessary for its survival. If you’re constantly in a state of disillusionment and the romance is all missing… it may mean that something is wrong in the way you have loved one another… or you don’t love each other at all. On the other hand, if you’re perpetually in a state of romance and there hasn’t been any disillusionment before, maybe you haven’t given enough thought to your relationship. No two people in a genuinely close relationship can avoid stepping on one another’s toes. It’s just bound to happen. Are some conflicts being swept under the rug? Is the relationship lacking the required depth?

We always think of the defining moments in our relationships as the ones that were awesome and wonderful; the proposals, the candle lit dinners; the romantic moments; the heart-warming words. But actually, it’s truly defining ones are the ones that happen when things aren’t wonderful, when things aren’t okay; big fights; sarcastic remarks; insensitive words; selfish actions; times when you do not feel even remotely in love in any way with that person. It’s the things you do and how you react at these times that really matter the most. It's easy to be loving and kind when you're so 'in love', but it's hard to still act in a loving way when you don't feel quite so 'in love'. In other words, it’s how you behave during the periods of disillusionment rather than the periods of romance that defines the relationship and ultimately decide where it will lead to.

Our first instinct when trying to establish a relationship with someone is by putting our best foot forward. We don’t start revealing all our bad habits, we don’t start talking throwing tempers, and we certainly don’t start farting out loud… not yet anyway. To deliberate go out and show all our flaws just screws up all your chances of a good impression. We are careful to present only the best bits about ourselves.  And yet, for any relationship to be meaningful & long lasting – flaws will and have to be revealed……all over time.

But as consolation, it is also true that when you see a person at their worst, you will also see them at their best. It comes hand in hand. You just need to have to see it with the right eyes.

I like to think that when people talk about ‘beauty being in the eye of the beholder’, they aren’t just talking subjectively about how you might find this beautiful, and I may not vice versa. But rather, it’s our ability to see all that is good and all that is right in a person or relationship in the midst of all its flaws and imperfections.

Beauty is found not the absence of flaws.. but in spite of it. And in that sense… every relationship has the potential of being beautiful.

And by this, I'm not just talking about romantic relationships.. but ALL relationships.

Broken Hearts

Robbed of your innocence,
You cry the night away
You love and you trusted,
And all they did – was betray.

A sea of tears
And tide of sorrow
In your heart,
there is no tomorrow

Where is my Prince Charming?
Where is my Shining Knight?
You search and search with all your might,
But why are the good men not in sight?
   
In your moment of grief,
desperately you seek relief.
Friends come and cheer you
and tell you you’ll be okay.
But no one tells you
how now to find your way.

Ruined dreams scattered in parts,
How do you mend broken hearts?
When all the dreams you had
And all the hopes you dared
Have all been crushed
And nothing is spared.

Maybe someday someone will come,
Mend your heart that has been ripped apart
And make the dark clouds all depart
In time you will learn
How to judge and discern
the ones full of deceit
From the ones you should keep.
Worry not… as they always say,
Life still has a part for you to play.

With hope for the day,
I offer you this toast
Of riches and glory we cannot boast
Heartbreak and worry
we have more than most.
But family we have
and friends we keep.
Where the blood is thick
and bonds run deep
We know we don’t always have to weep.

To broken hearts...

A confession

I’m a serious person. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.

Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.

A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.

(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)

There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.

I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.

I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.

Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.

Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….

Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.

Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.

God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.

An admission;

A confession;

I’m lonely.

I’m shattered.

I’m depressed.

Questions Women Ask

I was just thinking about this the other day. As a guy, you sometimes find yourself getting in a lot of trouble because of some carelessly answered questions. Seemingly innocent and harmless questions asked by your other half that at the time of answering, you had not idea would get you into such a mess. So for any man who has ever been, is or will be getting into a relationship with the fairer sex any time soon, here are a list of ‘DANGER QUESTIONS’ that women often ask which usually signifies the end of you (should you not answer them properly):

#1 Do I look fat in this dress?

For some reasons, many women ask this even when they’re skinny as a chopstick. They usually happen when you’re already late for some function somewhere and she’s trying on the fifth dress in a row. If you say Yes, you’re delayed for another 15 minutes for her to try on another one. And will forever remember that you think she loos fat. If you say No, she will say you’re lying… because she DOES think she looks fat in the dress (otherwise she wouldn’t be asking you in the first place)


SOLUTION : Say No.


Statistically, if you say ‘yes, there’s a 100% chance of being even later than you already are, and that she’ll be upset for the rest of the night because you just confirmed to her that she’s fat. Say No, and there’s at least a 50% chance she’ll agree and you can finally be on your way. Simple right?


#2 How come you don’t buy me flowers anymore?


Flowers are to women what i-Phones, cameras, computers, cars and machine guns are to men. They make our hearts melt. But this question isn’t really about flowers at all. In fact, it’s not even a question. It’s a WARNING. She’s telling you that you used to do a lot of romantic stuff for her, but she now realizes that you don’t anymore. In other words, you KPI (Key Performance Index) is down. You need to take action or risk a drop in your ratings (Yes, women have secret ‘boyfriend ratings’).


SOLUTION : Say you don’t buy flowers because next to her, the flowers look ugly. THEN, go buy flowers (as many as you can afford), Plan a candlelit dinner. Write her a song… etc…or any romantic thing you can think of.


You know the drill. Do something different for her. I know you think that phase of the relationship is supposed to be over now that you’re already together… but the unfortunate truth is – women want their romance and they will squeeze it out of you if they have to not stop wanting it. So whether it come to you naturally or not, some effort to be romantic will be required here and there.


#3 What do you think of Bali / Paris / Tokyo?


Again, this isn’t a question at all. It’s a thinly veiled expression of desire to go to that place. An alternative translation to this is “I want to go to Bali / Paris / Tokyo… and you’re going to take me there.”. Maybe not so forcefully, but that’s the intent. When she asks you about a certain holiday destination, it means that in her mind she’s already mentally preparing to be there with you. Whether or not YOU like the place is secondary.


SOLUTION : Save money. Book early.


Sorry…. There’s no way out of this one. You will eventually have to bring her there, whether it’s 5 months or 5 years from now. It all has something to do with their need for romance in their lives. And going on a romantic holiday just the two of you is one of those things. The only other way out is to convince her of an even more awesome place you could go together, like Chicken Hartz All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Buffet. But I doubt she’d say yes.



#4 What do you think of her?


This is usually about another female friend of yours. BE WARNED : THIS IS A LOADED QUESTION. It’s left open ended because she wants what’s at the top of your mind to surface. She’s trying to gauge your level of attraction to that woman. She’s trying to assess if that woman is of any threat to her position. Answer this question wrong, and you’re in big big trouble buster.


SOLUTION : Less is More. Be sincere but not overtly praising.


This is a minefield, so thread lightly and with tact. If you think she’s possibly the hottest woman to grace the earth since Megan Fox, just say she’s pretty. If you think she has a smile that melts a thousand hearts and a voice that makes the angles weep, just say she’s sweet. Any show of too much enthusiasm will spell trouble. Bruce Banner (from The Hulk) isn’t the only one with a green monster hidden in them ya'know. Don’t try to exaggerate on your friends bad qualities either – she’ll pick up that you’re just saying things to disarm her.


#5 IF you were not with me, would you be attracted to her?


Any man would know this is a trick question. ‘IF’ is an awfully big word here. This is probably the single most loaded question she can ask you ever (the other one is 'Have you fixed the toilet yet?'). She may try to convince you that the question is purely academic and hypothetical. But it’s not. It’s SUICIDAL. The intent is similar to #4 above.. probably because she wasn’t convince with your answer. She’s on to you my friend.


SOLUTION : Call on your Miranda rights; the rights to remain silent and to a fair trial. Also call upon the universal accept rights that you are innocent until proven guilty.


It is a well-accepted medical fact that women have a more sophisticated anatomy compared to men. This includes a lie detector somewhere in their brain. They can know if you’re lying. So before you get yourself in trouble with clumsy responses, don’t say anything. Think carefully not just on what to say, but also on how you say it. Because she’s not listening to your words at all..... she already knows your lying. She’s reading your emotions, because she wants to know how much. So before you get grilled, best to prepare and rehearse.

Having said that….


I do believe that honestly is the best policy most all of the time. The truth will get you much further in your relationship than any amount of lies added together. Remember, lies have speed but the truth has endurance. After they are done raising all hell and going on an eating spree and blaming it on you, they do eventually thank you and appreciate your honesty. If she does look fat, just say something gentle like “Maybe just a bit.. but you still look great..” If you haven’t been romantic, or haven’t brought her for a holiday, just say you’re sorry you didn’t think of it sooner and offer to bring her the next chance you get. If you do think your female friend is pretty hot and all and that you do have a small crush, well, she probably knew already. So just say (tactfully) that yes you find her attractive, but you’re more than happy with what you have. A hug and a kiss after that usually helps.

Cheers... and good luck!

An Idle Mind Is...

“Why are you still here?”

“I’ve been here all along.”

“I know. But you can’t be here anymore. There is no place for you in my new life. I can’t afford to have you here anymore.”

“You can’t get rid of me. I’m more a part of you that you’re willing to admit.”

“I don’t want you here anymore...”

“No. You can’t make me leave. You’re just trying to deny that I exist..”

“You’re right. You do exist…. But only because I have allowed you to. Only because I have been weak….”

“So what now hmm? You’ve finally decided to grow some balls? You think you’ve grown strong now just because you heard a couple of sermons and read a few verses? You overestimate yourself. You are weak. I AM YOU. Deep down inside, you WANT me to exist. You NEED me to exist. You can’t STAND being the goody two shoes, church poster boy. I know your heart… and though there seems to be many layers of righteousness above, I know what is in the centre – you are a rebel in your heart of hearts.”

“You’re wrong….”

“Am I? Are you not your father’s son? Does his blood not run through your veins? Do you not possess the same charms as he? Do you not possess the same weakness? Don’t lie to me… I know the answer better than you. Am I not the manifestation of your desires? Am I not the symbol of everything you always wanted to be secretly?”

“You are. You are the person I always thought I want to be. You are guy that has all the fun, you have no guilt conscience, you seek only pleasure. You live the worldly, hedonistic life… even if it’s wrong.. because you just don't give a fuck. Yes, you are the guy that I always wanted to be.”

“Finally, some honesty… own up my friend. I’m here to stay.. because you WANT me to stay.”

“No…… I don’t.”

“Do we have to go through this again my boy?.... Let me try to put this in a simpler way. You WANT me around. I AM you. I am what you TRULY are. Stop kidding yourself… you aren’t some righteous altar boy… far from it. I know what goes on in that sick mind of yours. You fucking love being me. The sooner you admit that, the better. You’ll be happier. You can just continue to have fun, and no one will ever accuse you of being a fake. And that’s what you WILL be if you continue this holier-than-thou talk with me. A fake. ”

“Maybe.. maybe I will just end up being a fake. But things have happened that have made me realize that are things more precious than my own pleasure. There are people more important than my own self. My actions and words are no longer just mine. The things I do affect not only me, but the people around me. I used to love myself. Then I started loving others. And I learned that when you love others, you do what’s best for them, not for yourself – even if it is at your expense, even if it is against the longing of your heart.. …..”

*scoff* “What….You mean like with her?..........”

“………….. yes, like her. But I don’t expect you to understand any of that. It affected me more than you know. It thought me some very precious lessons.”

“Please… I’m not buying any more that crap…..”

“You don’t have to. I’m not trying to put on any airs of righteousness. I know my weakness… But know this. So long as I have the strength, I will fight you. I will fight you every step of the way. And even if I lose every single time, I will not stop fighting. Not as long as there is a purpose greater than myself worth fighting for. There are things I want more than selfish desires. I’m betting my life on love. And I want to be able to proudly say I loved someone, anyone, in the purest sense of the word.”

“You see, amidst all the mess and all the heart ache, an important truth dawned on me - I could never ever bring myself to be like you. Because to be like you meant being heartless. To be like you meant pleasures that are superficial. To be like you meant not truly loving anyone. I couldn’t do that because I truly wanted to love everyone. I want to be able to love the people I choose to love, in whatever capacity that entails – son, brother, husband, friend and yes... even as just a distant stranger.”

That’s why I can never be you….

Unseen Flaws

I just want to say something to the wide wide world out there tonight.

I want to say.. that I'm not all that. That all the good impression you have of me? Well, they aren't entirely true. All the respect you seem to have for me? They aren't entirely deserved. All the good things you seem to think I am, I am not. You believe so because you see me from the outside. You see me at my finest, you watch me at my best. You think I'm such a fine person because you haven't seen my real flaws just yet. Because the flaws I have are the kinds that are often unseen, and hard to spot. The sins I commit are often subtle and hard to decipher. And a flaw that is well hidden and cleverly blended in often stays.... perhaps permanently. I have many of such flaws - you will see them if you know me for who I truly am.

Maybe one day, I'll pluck up enough courage to actually explain this to you. But I hope I won't have to. I hope that you will discover them on your own... That you may see me at my best and at my worst and understand it without me needing to say a word.

And I hope that when that day comes...

you will still love me and accept me for what I am.

When Staying Away is Good for You

Have you ever deliberately stayed away from someone because you thought you were bad for them?

In the quietness of my mind today, I considered for the very first time in my life this possibility – that my presence is actually bad for some people. And that I should deliberately stay away.

It was quite a radical thought for me, because up till this point I never really considered myself a walking hazard to other people. I don’t create trouble, I don’t stir up issues and I certainly don’t go around provoking others. On the contrary, I view myself as some sort of love-advocating-diplomacy-bounding-peace-keeping-kinda-guy. I never once considered that perhaps I could actually be ‘bad for someone’. Those that are actually bad for someone are the ones that are trouble makers, the ones that seem to bring nothing more than problems to those around them. THOSE are the kinds of guys that do (or otherwise should) feel that way. But not goody-two-shoes me.

And then today came. And for some reason I found myself thinking long and hard about some of the consequences of not only my actions but also my very presence has had on the people around me. How has my presence affected others? Have I brought more blessings or problems to them? What about my actions? Have they done more harm than good? What about the way I’ve been handling my relationships? Have I brought more hurt than comfort? Have I simplified and cleared things or did I just complicated and blurr things? How has the way I treat them affected the way they see things? How has it changed the way they think, feel and act?

Truth be told, there was no way I could know these answers for certain. How do you gauge what was and wasn’t a direct consequence of your presence or action? Unlike other things, life, relationships and emotions are organic & fluid in nature. They change moment to moment in response to many things. Everything shapes and molds it, but nothing actually holds and controls it.

It’s tempting to give yourself many brownie points. “I’m not a bad person” I thought to myself. But this wasn’t about how good I am.. this was about how good I have been for other people… especially those who mattered to me. And the more I thought about it, the more I digged out memories from the past, the more the illusion of me being such a blessing to others was destroyed. Perhaps on the surface, this might not seem so to people. “He’s such a nice guy” they will say… But in my heart, I know of all the dirty deeds done, the secret sins thought, planned and committed with little hesitation. And through those actions, I had hurt people deeply. And ironically, I realized that it was the people I swore in the name of love never to hurt who were the ones I hurt the most. Like drawing close t a flame, the closer they drew to me,worse they got burnt.

And that was when the thought came to me – that perhaps if I truly wanted to protect them, the best thing I could do was stay away from them.

More dangerous than the enemy you see, is the one unseen. Especially the ones that seem to come as your friend. Perhaps that was me – a wolf in sheep clothing. A person that walked, talked and acted like something pure and innocent but underneath – an unrepentant smooth talker waiting for you to let your guard down before pouncing. And knowing myself, people do eventually let their guard down around me… they think I’m trustworthy, they think it’s safe to let me in, they think I will do no harm. And that’s the scariest part for me. That people would trust me more than I would myself. I cannot guarantee that no harm will be done. Circumstances beyond my control will come in. My own weakness will come in. I am neither capable nor strong enough to come into someone’s life and not end up hurting them intentionally or not. Never again will I try reassuring someone that I will do nothing to hurt them, because I know I will.

But the only way to love someone in its broadest sense was to enter into their lives. But entering into their lives, I inevitably hurt them. Suddenly I didn’t know if I’ve been loving people in the right way. Is it possible to love someone without hurting them? Have I been doing it wrong? I ask myself who among those I loved were willing to love at the price of also being hurt. I knew some who have suffered through my misdeeds and still continue to be around… I hoped that meant that having me around was worth it for them. What about others? What about those who seem to think I’m this harmless guy? What about those with fragile hearts that need healing rather than more hurt? What about the ones who might think my friendship / relationship ISN’T worth the pain? I cannot tell anybody it will ever be worth it.

And so I concluded - as much as I may desire otherwise, to these people, perhaps it’s better for them that I stay away.

Long Distance Relationships

I don’t think there is more feared kind for people to have. I was catching up with a relative last week. And she had just broken up with her boyfriend three weeks ago. They had been in a 5 year relationship before she went overseas to study for a year. One year of long distance was all it took before the relationship feel apart. I listened in silence… thinking hard about what words of comfort I could possibly offer. I had none.

My thoughts were on another friend. Who had dated this guy for 4 years. Then she came back home to KL after she graduated. Everything seemed fine. She went back for a two week holiday after six months just to see him….. and they were like two love birds sorely missing each other. She came back to KL feeling happy fully expecting a repeat in her next trip, schedule in another 6 months. But things were different the second time. He had grown distance.. and at the end of it all… he broke up with her. It took her 2 months of privately crying to herself and mourning before she told anyone of us.

One more friend also had been going steady with a guy for 2 year or so before she went to the UK to study and work for a year or two. The relationship crumbled in six months.

My other friend especially had a tough time trying to make sense of it all. She had not seen it coming at all. They had so many wonderful times together. They shared money and bought a small boat to go fishing together; a special memory she held so dearly. Now she was left with the task of deciding what to do with it now that she didn’t have anyone to fish with anymore. The boat was ‘ours’ to her.. and now it was just ‘mine’…She had gained ownership over it… but the boat itself seemed to have lost its meaning.

In my own relationship, I have been in the same steady relationship for 8 years now. Last October, she left to the middle east to serve out a one year work contract. I have been alone ever since. Back before she left, I felt pretty confident that we were able to weather a year of being apart. “It’ll take more than just 1 year to undo what we have been building for 8..” I proudly declared to her. She asked me a while back if I thought she should stay another year. The need for money was still great… and staying another year would significantly improve things for her, and for us. My answer used to be that it was up to her and that I would support her in her decision. But this time I told her “No. Come home dear…” and she agreed without any further questions.

We have continued talking on Skype at least two to three times in a week. We text each other every single day, and we tell each other what the other is up to.. even down to the silly details like what we ate for lunch so on and so forth. In many sense, our relationship has stood pretty well thus far. And for me, there was this sudden freedom from any sorts of obligations to another person. I was free to go, stay, do, eat, sleep, wake, run, walk, talk, mix and mingle whenever, wherever with whoever. In that sense, I was having the best of both worlds. A sense of emotional belonging to someone, but also the sense of complete freedom of being alone. I could have encouraged her to stay on. After all, we do need the money.

But I had to ask myself some very straight questions.. and I had to come up with some very honest answers. I cannot ignore the very real dangers that long distance relationships bring with it. I asked myself if I could stay true and loyal to the relationship should this go on for one more year…. If temptation presented itself to me again, in one form or another in that extra year, would I be able to resist it? The eerie silence from my heart was answer enough. I had already failed spectacularly within the first 3 months. I had to be honest with myself. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. On the relationship itself, I asked myself ‘As good as things seem to be going, are you so sure that there will be no crack in the relationship should this continue? Are you sure you will not start growing apart?’ and again, very honestly, my answer was no. I have proven myself more adaptable and less troubled by her absence than I first thought…. I was fine without her around…. and I wondered if this was a good or bad sign. I asked myself ‘How important is this relationship to me? Am I willing to risk its foundations being shaken and possibly breaking apart?’ and the answer was an even bigger no. She was more precious to me than any other selfish desires or needs… and it was my job to nurture this relationship, not crack it apart. And with that, I knew what needed to be done… and what cannot be allowed to happen.

Skype may offer free calls, and webcams may offer you’re the visible sight of your loved one…..but as great as they are, I realized that they are but a substitute, a stop-gap measure for the physical presence of that someone in your life. We need that more than we realize. I need it more than I realized…. We need people to be around us… especially those we love; the pat on the shoulder; the warm hug; the gentle tap on the hand; or even just a smile…. It is the surest, most effective, and only guaranteed means of establishing close emotional bonds with someone. And the emotional bond that exists between two people is the very core of all relationships… be it between siblings, relatives, friends or lovers. It is upon this core that everything else is built. If this gives way, so does everything else.

See, the real killer isn’t the fact that you can’t hold hands, kiss or hug each other.. but because you grow emotionally distant from each other. The physical distance inevitably leads to emotional distance. Think very carefully about the people you know in your life. Think of the people you feel most emotionally attached too. Are they not the people you see and talk to face to face the most? Don’t you feel a warm fuzzy sense of closeness every time after having just met up with someone dear to you? The opposite is true too. People do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder which can be the case sometimes. But sometimes, it is also true when they say out of sight, out of mind.

I’m not saying long distance relationships are impossible. They are, but only on an interim basis. Things like calls, emails and skype help make it easier to stay close despite the distance, but it does not generate the desire itself to remain close - that desire to draw close to one another, to be part of each other’s lives, to establish this emotional bond. That desire must exist in both ends for things to work. Long distances work against that because part of the way people cope with the absence of their loved one is learning how to get along without them. When you do that poorly, you find yourself being miserable all the time. When you do that too well, you find yourself too detached from that person. Both extremes do not bode well for a relationship. Other challenges a couple may face can usually be faced together. But in this case, not being together is the challenge in itself and each person is forced to face it alone. Imagine how impossible that sounds; trying to stay together while apart and having to do it together while totally on your own.

I realized that maintaining a long distance relationship was a lot like walking on a tight rope. Delicate balance was needed when attempting the stunt. How well has the rope been secured on either ends? How tightly secured is everything? Do you have the right resources? How long is the rope? And most importantly, are you up to the task ahead? There is no turning back once you’ve begun. But unlike the tightrope walker, there are no safety nets for the relationship should you fall. It’s do or die.

I am usually very against naysayers. I don’t like people who constantly try telling other people what can or cannot be done. Those who are the quickest to pass judgment and offer advice are often the ones with eyes, ears and hearts that are closed. And yet in this case, I see that people’s skepticism regarding long distance relationships aren’t without its merits. I feel truly sad for these friends of mine whose relationships were broken because of this.

I had little consolation to give my relative. But I offered this; all relationships are put to the test at some point or another. It is never a question of if, but when. All relationships have to survive these test that come its way in order to move forward. For some, it comes much later when the relationship is solid and able to withstand the tide. For others, they fail even at the later stages because the foundation of the relationship was simply not firm enough. For a few, perhaps the challenges come very early on, and the relationship is destroyed long before it ever had the chance to develop.. and for perhaps some very select few, storms are weathered steadfastly from the very beginning.

Difficult tasks and hard times always bring out the best and the worst in us. You never really find out what you’re made of until you are put to the test. In that way, you don’t really know how enduring your relationship is until it has been put through the fire. And I think doing long distance is one of the hardest test any couple can endure. And for my relative, at least she found her answer sooner rather than later.