The Ones That Matter

“You did not invite everyone.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you invited only half of the group. That’s not very nice. You should have invited all of them and let them decide if they want to come.”

“I invited the ones that I want to be there. I have no more relationship with the rest of them, why should I invite them? I haven’t spoken to them in 8 years! And suddenly I have to act like I want them at my wedding?”

“But at least you shared a common past. At least they were someone to you once upon a time. And that merits an invite. PLUS….. not everyone you’re inviting is going to be able to make it. So its better for you to over-invite and end up with just about the numbers you want. I just attend a wedding last week, and there were so many empty tables. It doesn’t look good. Trust me, you don’t want yours to look like that.”

“I'm not there to 'fill out the numbers'. You are just talking about the ‘chinese bunch’. That's what you all the 'group'. That’s how you draw your circle. But I never stuck to that circle in the first place. I mixed around a lot more with everyone that you guys. I was a lot closer to other Malays and India in our class than I ever was with the Chinese… and if I go by your reasoning, I’ll have to invite HALF THE WHOLE FREAKING VILLAGE.”

“It’s up to you. But people talk. And sooner or later, they going to find out you didn’t invite them, and they might get offended.”

“So? As far as I’m concerned, if I haven’t spoken to you or seen your face in 8 years, we make no effort whatsoever to maintain relationship, you don’t merit an invite…. Because there IS NO relationship. What’s there to be offended?”

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It seems my wedding invitation list has been an interesting topic of discussion between some quarters. It’s a guessing game on why certain people were invited and some were not. I do admit it may come across as odd. Some people I deliberately DIDN’T invite despite knowing for almost 10 years, and others I have gone out of my way to invite even if I’ve known them in recent times. Generally, 3 categories of people have emerged.

The first are the obvious ones. These are family, relatives, close friends. People fully expecting to be invited and do get invited. You could call this the ‘mandatory’ list; because there’s an unspoken rule that it’s mandatory for you to invite and mandatory for them to attend.

The second one is what I call the limbo list. They are neither here nor there. Perhaps some of them were expecting to be invited (if they find out about it)¸but mysteriously never got an invitation. It is the category of people that I was debating about above with a friend.

The third list is the wild card list. These are the people who never actually expect to get invited, but for some mysterious reason, they do. They’re usually left scratching their heads wondering why. I had to laugh when someone in this category asked another friend why they merited an invite when it seems we’ve met only a few times. And perhaps this friend understood my heart more than most, she said to him "Well... I think he likes you very much."

As far as I was concerned, there was no such thing as an ‘across the board’ invitation. Weddings are special, intimate and personal. Everyone on the list is considered individually. My fiancée and I discussed it very early on and agreed that the wedding will not be some big, grand event, but rather an intimate, meaningful, private event only with people closest to us.

The question of who and why they matter to you is a question of the heart; it doesn’t always follow social conventions. In fact, after going through it, I realize that it breaks social conventions. Because in considering someone, I disregarded factors such as historical past, how long I’ve known them, what my current status is with them etc. Instead, I asked myself simple questions; Is this person significant to me? Am I fond of this person? Do I want them in my life hereon after? In other words, which ones do you think are for keeps? Because if marriage is meant to be for a lifetime, then the people most fitting to be there to witness and celebrate it should be the ones you intend to keep for life. It’s as simple as that.

And that’s how we both ended up with a rather odd list of guest invited. Some we’ve known for a decade, some barely a year, some from work, some from school, some from across the road, some from the other side of the world. But they all have one thing in common – they matter to us in one way or another.

And if that has offended some people… well… they never mattered in the first place anyway.