The thing is.. I don’t sing. But I did today. Out loud. Alone. In the car. On the way to work. And not just your regular la-di-da sing-along style.. I really really sang it all out like some drunkard America’s Got Talent contestant high on crack.
Why? I dunno… But as I did, I started to feel emotionally overwhelmed. I could feel pent up feelings coming through to the surface, escaping through the cracks of my voice. The more I sang, the more it came, and the more it came the more I sang. Not that the song had anything to do with the way I was feeling at all. But by the end of it… despite it being bright and early in the morning, I was already emotionally exhausted.
What was I feeling anyway? I couldn’t pin point it myself. But I think it was a mixture of a few different feelings over a whole range of issues I was dealing with in my life at the moment; anxiety, nervousness, fear, frustration. A lot of these feelings have been kept bottle up…. Maybe they were demanding to be released one way or another.
This was one of those mornings where I was just feeling all gloomy and melancholic, lonely and unloved. I felt like I needed to express myself. I felt like I needed to talk to someone… to just let it all out... but due to some dysfunction in my character, I never do. I seldom ever just let it all out. So many times while presented with the opportunity to share a bit about what’s really going on in my heart, I chose instead to keep quiet and listen on to the other person. I don’t share the really heavy stuff weighing on my heart unless specifically ask. I think it’s doing the other person a favour, but it seems it’s also doing me a disfavour.
Because while I’m encouraging others to freely open up to me and allow me into their hearts, I present to them an enigmatic maze into mine. And not many people have attempted to enter that maze. Fewer still have successfully navigated through it. I realized that I’m a person easy to get along with, but hard to get to know. And I realized it’s entirely my own doing. I let only certain people know certain things and no one person ever knows too much about the inner workings of my brain… unless they read my blog… then I’m in trouble. I don’t know if I’m just waiting for someone special to dig it all out of me, or am I do I just do this to protect myself. But it’s probably both.
And then there’s this whole lack of physical affection. And I’m not just talking about sex, though that has certainly added to the frustration… It’s more about the physical contact with another fellow human being; to be touched, held or hug in a loving way that is completely non sexual. THAT physical affection. You know, just to get a hug or something like that…. The last hug that I received was lets see ………………….. about 2 months ago. And for the entire year, I’ve been hugged like…. I dunno less tham 10 times? I’m sounding like such a woman (no offense). Grrrrr……………..
Women would call this PMS… but since I neither menstruate nor own a vagina, I can’t really use that excuse. Maybe it’s just a case of Monday blues. I'll see how it goes tomorrow.
On a lighter note... I just closed my first million dollar job for my company last Friday and on Sunday someoone said to me that I was looking good. :-D
Here's a recent photo of me.... I must say I'm in the best shape of my life...
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