The Art of Loving

I have never met a person who isn’t searching for something in their lives….

It’s like deep within us, we are all looking for that one elusive ingredient to complete our lives… We think that once we get our hands on that missing piece, our lives will be finally be complete. It’s many things for many different people; money, power, wealth, respect, standing, recognition, companionship, friendship, fellowship, bonds, experience, wisdom, intelligence, security, variety, space, freedom, fulfilment, peace, excitement, closure, hope, truth; But for many of us it’s really just boils down to the search for one simple thing – love.

Common in all of our hearts is the belief that once you find love, you will have also found happiness, fulfilment and meaning. We make love the cornerstone of our existence. We believe in its power. We trust in its ability to heal wounds, bridge gaps, soften hearts, open doors and forgive mistakes. We believe it so much that it’s just about the only thing we sing to on the radio these days.

We all know that love something very real and very significant. We feel its presence and its effects in our lives. It changes the way we think and the way we feel. It makes cheesy loves songs meaningful, it makes impulses seem natural and it makes all the crazy things you do for your lover make perfect sense. And we want all that. We want love in our lives.

And so out we go searching and searching for love. We look for it in the eyes of others. We long for the day when we will finally find the one person who will mean the beginning our love story… the beginning of our road to happiness, fulfilment and meaning. That elusive ingredient now becomes a walking, talking person somewhere out there holding the keys to our heart. We're all desperately looking for this person. We call this the search for the love of our life.

And how elusive this search is. Some wait and wait and wait because all good things come to those who wait.. and yet that’s all you seem to be doing – waiting. Others get their heart broken over and over and over again… because you never really know till you give it a chance… and yet all they have to show for is a heart in tatters, held together through sheer willpower and a refusal to give up.

We usually can’t explain why we fall in love with certain people and not others. I believe the seeds of love are planted not by our own hands, but by powers from above. That’s what people mean when they say love is blind; you never know where it’s going to sprout. And yet for any love to last, it must be tenderly nurtured and cared for. How well a love grows depends on the two sets of hands that tend to it. And that’s where so many people stumble. They prematurely throw it all away believing the seed is bad, believe that it’s doomed for failure. But in relationships, it’s more about your capacity to love rather than how lovable the other person is.

It’s not about whether or not this person has all the right qualities, it’s not about whether or not this person is the right ingredient you need for your life to be complete, its not even about whether or not you’re compatible with one another. It simply about whether or not you can find it in your heart to love someone for all their strength and despite all their flaws.

We ask ourselves all the wrong questions when trying to evaluate love. Is this person right for me? Do we have things in common? Are we too different? Can he/she make me happy? Is there someone better? But the question we really should be asking ourselves is; how prepared am I to do what it takes to make this work? Am I willing to make the necessary sacrifices for this relationship? Am I prepared to love unconditionally, through words and action, with no expectation of returns?

I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. I don’t have a whole collection of ex-girlfriends stories to learn from. I just have one simple relationship that has worked out really really well, going into its ninth year. A lot of people have said to me that I have been lucky to have found the ‘love of my life’ so easily. Yes, I am lucky. But they do not understand. I’m here today not because I am lucky enough to have just ‘stumbled’ into the love of my life…

I’m here because I nurtured, protected and defended this love with all my heart and soul when it sprouted. I’m here because I refused to give up even when it seemed hardest. I’m here because I believed that if there is to be love in a relationship, it must begin with me giving it and not asking for it. I’m here because I risked my heart and gave it my all not knowing if it will ever be returned or recognized. The lucky part was then I was loved in return. I know not everyone is that lucky.

We are all so preoccupied with searching for ‘the right one’ when what we really need to be doing is learning how to grow in our capacity to love. We need to shatter the illusion that love is something you find ‘out there’.



Go to the bookstore and you will find shelves upon shelves dedicated to topics of finance, economics, politics, current events, philosophy, arts, science, design…… but have you ever come across a ‘love’ section? (Valentine cards sections don’t count). Is there a book on "Idiots Guide to Love"?

Am I the only one who finds this strange? That such a central subject in our lives does not even have a small shelf of its own in our bookstores? … Isn’t it more critical for us to be learning about loving one another before we start learning about the economic principles, accounting practices, engineering fundamentals and political sciences?

Why isn’t love a subject thought in school? Why is the issue of sex education in school being so hotly debated without ever considering this – you can’t teach people about sex without also teaching them about love. The two are intertwined to the core. You can’t learn about one and not the other. Why hasn’t anyone said this yet? Why can you teach and earn a Bachelor in Psychology but not a degree in the art of loving?

For a society that sings as many love songs as we do on the radio… we’ve sure gotten our priorities all upside down. We have given far too much thought to everything else in this world, and not enough to the things that truly matter.For a people so desperately seeking for love, we sure have lost the point.

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a great teacher who got down on his knees to wash the feet of his followers. This was a task only servants did for guest of the house, not by teachers for their students. And yet he did it in humility, service and selflessness. And after he did it, he had only one thing to say to his followers.. “ love one another as I have loved you.” This was the final and most important lesson he had for his followers because he knew that the next day, he would be arrested, tortured and executed in a botched trial.

Think about it…. of all the things he could have chosen to teach on that final night, he chose to teach us a lesson on love. Doesn’t that tell you something?

That man’s name was Jesus Christ.. And let me tell you something…. He got it right.

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1~3