When Boys Grow Up

Warning: This is an emotional, but nevertheless honest little rant... so if you would just bare with me for a few paragraphs... 

When I was growing up I used to look up to my father. He was this great man that always knew the answer to everything. To me he was knowledgeable, intelligent, wise and charming… and all I wanted to do was be like him when I was older. I always looked to him for an answer or solution when life threw bricks at us. And I had my brother. He has just two years older than me, but he was nothing like me. I was this shy, timid little boy and he was this adventurous, brave and fearless big brother who would always lead the way, be it into a big monsoon drain, abandoned swamp or the girls toilet. I was always his sidekick, following him loyally… from the back of course.

That was me. I was never ever the guy in front. I was always the guy in the background. The one looking up to others, following others. I’m good at playing the supporting actor in life. I’m good at being the backup guy. It’s the role I’ve been playing all my life.

But now I’m scared. Because I realize I can’t play that role anymore. I’m not allowed to. There is no one to follow anymore. There is no one to hide behind. I’m in front now… I’m holding the baton now… and it’s up to me to make things happens. It’s up to me to make life work.

As I reach the final month before my wedding, I realize that I really have no one to talk to about all these anxieties and fears that have creep up on me. I’m about to start a family. I’m about to be a husband.. and in the future a father… and the head of a new household… and I don’t know who I can turn to for guidance. My own father has failed not once, not twice, but three times in marriage. Somehow, I cannot see myself going to him for advice on how to make things work. My brother is only going into his second year of a steady relationship. In some sense, I feel like I have surpassed them in a way. I know I can count on their love… but not necessarily their advice.

As I go into my third year of being an employee, I realize that I have come a long long way since I started. I have learned so much, and have expanded my horizons far beyond what I could have imagined possible as a student. I find myself suddenly being the top pick of my boss to help him run his company. He puts enormous amounts of work, pressure and trust on me, fully expecting me to keep up and perform. It’s not without its rewards. He gives me a good salary, and tells me in no unclear terms that he’s grooming me for the top. It’s mine to take…….. if I can perform. But I see that in grooming me, he’s trying to make me into him. I can’t do that. I can’t be him. I neither have it in me, nor do I want to be him. I will learn what I can, but I must be who I am, not what he wants me to be.

And again, I find myself having no one to ask for guidance and advice when it comes to my career and work. I try talking to my brother and father about things… but then I realize that many of the things I talk about are new to them. They don’t know the kind of industry I’m in, nor the kind of world I’ve gotten myself suck into. My fiancée supports me and encourages me in all I do. She acts as a soothing balm to the hard, edgy, high pressure environment I face at work. But she cannot advice me. One dear friend tells me I should just quit this job and migrate to Australia… or find some job here that’s less taxing…. so that I can be closer to God. But she doesn’t understand…I feel enormous pressure to provide for my family. I may be young, but there are 5 heads dependant on me… and that’s just now. What happens when the fiancée starts to want to have children?

God knows I’m trying…. I’m trying so hard. I spend all my weekdays and weeknights slugging it out at work… committing myself a 110% to what is required of me. Then I go home and commit 110% to my family… trying to do as much as I can.. taking care of bills, giving them money, taking care of their needs, listening to their complaints, solving their problems. And on weekends, I commit 110% to others… people who aren’t family… but still people I consider dear to me… and I sit and listen for hours to them talk about their lives and their problems and their heartaches.. I clear out my schedule with no questions asked, I travel tens of miles, I squeeze in dinners or suppers or breakfast… as my commitment to the friendship…Some people evolve their lives around making money or what not. But this is my life.. my life is about me being of service to others, as an act of love..and praying and hoping to God that it will pay off.....and even still…….I don't know how I'm fairing. No one ever tells me how good a husband or son or son-in-law or brother or friend or enemy I have been. I don't know where I stand in peoples books. 

I’m old fashion. I believe a man’s worth is in his ability to be a good provider to his family, a faithful and caring husband, loving but stern father and a genuine and sincere friend…. If I can achieve all this things in my life… then I will have considered myself a success in life.

But since there really isn’t anymore in my life I can turn to anymore, all I have are my wits to guide me. All I have is this mind thinks so much it overheats. All I have is this heart that swings between extremes so much it feels like it’s on the verge of tearing apart. And I’m terrified that that is not enough.