Romance & Disillusionment

I remember attending this counselling course to helping people in their preparations for their wedding. It was hosted by an elderly couple married for about 40 years now.

One of the things they said was about how practically all relationships go through periodical cycles of romance and disillusionment with one another.

There will be times when we believe we have found ourselves the most wonderful of persons ever in this world. We wonder how we will ever do without them. We count our lucky stars for having met this most awesome and wonderful person in our lives. This is called the periods of romance. When the mushy feelings of love and care just seem to intertwine seamlessly into our lives and everything is just fine and dandy.

Then there are the times when we find ourselves completely disillusioned with the other person. If romance is when everything the other person does is just oh-so-sweet-and-awesome and things just feel right, then disillusionment is the opposite. You wonder how on earth you ended up here and everything about the relationship just feels wrong. Doubts creep in. You feel like perhaps you ought to be with someone else or with no one at all. You wonder how far this relationship can go, how happy you really are, if this is what you really want.

I think it’s a very important that people come to realize this about relationships. That there will be times of romance and times of disillusionment – but both of which are necessary for its survival. If you’re constantly in a state of disillusionment and the romance is all missing… it may mean that something is wrong in the way you have loved one another… or you don’t love each other at all. On the other hand, if you’re perpetually in a state of romance and there hasn’t been any disillusionment before, maybe you haven’t given enough thought to your relationship. No two people in a genuinely close relationship can avoid stepping on one another’s toes. It’s just bound to happen. Are some conflicts being swept under the rug? Is the relationship lacking the required depth?

We always think of the defining moments in our relationships as the ones that were awesome and wonderful; the proposals, the candle lit dinners; the romantic moments; the heart-warming words. But actually, it’s truly defining ones are the ones that happen when things aren’t wonderful, when things aren’t okay; big fights; sarcastic remarks; insensitive words; selfish actions; times when you do not feel even remotely in love in any way with that person. It’s the things you do and how you react at these times that really matter the most. It's easy to be loving and kind when you're so 'in love', but it's hard to still act in a loving way when you don't feel quite so 'in love'. In other words, it’s how you behave during the periods of disillusionment rather than the periods of romance that defines the relationship and ultimately decide where it will lead to.

Our first instinct when trying to establish a relationship with someone is by putting our best foot forward. We don’t start revealing all our bad habits, we don’t start talking throwing tempers, and we certainly don’t start farting out loud… not yet anyway. To deliberate go out and show all our flaws just screws up all your chances of a good impression. We are careful to present only the best bits about ourselves.  And yet, for any relationship to be meaningful & long lasting – flaws will and have to be revealed……all over time.

But as consolation, it is also true that when you see a person at their worst, you will also see them at their best. It comes hand in hand. You just need to have to see it with the right eyes.

I like to think that when people talk about ‘beauty being in the eye of the beholder’, they aren’t just talking subjectively about how you might find this beautiful, and I may not vice versa. But rather, it’s our ability to see all that is good and all that is right in a person or relationship in the midst of all its flaws and imperfections.

Beauty is found not the absence of flaws.. but in spite of it. And in that sense… every relationship has the potential of being beautiful.

And by this, I'm not just talking about romantic relationships.. but ALL relationships.