A Man Can Change His Stars

hey you..

Sorry if I haven't posted anything in a while now. Or rather, sorry if I haven't posted anything GOOD for a while now. It's probably because I haven't been feeling particularly inspired of late. Whenever I think of posting, I am faced with a dilemma. To write regularly (even when there's nothing great to write about) and have a consistent flow of mediocre post.. just for the sake of activity on this blog... or be a purist... and blog ONLY when there's some really awesome thing I want to say (no matter if that means one post in 6 days or 6 months).

Sometimes,, the words flow out of me so naturally like song. The words gush out in beautiful prose.. beautiful pieces of poetry that became as much a joy to write as it is to read. Other times, it's like vomit that just won't come out. You try to regurgitate it.. you make awful noises, then finally, a lump of puke just gets thrown out in the most disgusting fashion.

Anyway.............

The year has been very much a 'grit your teeth and slug it out' kinda year so far. Not that life has taken a downturn suddenly. If you haven't read any dramatic or emotional post of late, it's mainly because there hasn't been any dramatic or emotional incidences of late. The only difference is.. I've been working extra hard at life... trying to achieve things... trying.... to change my stars.... a lot like what Heath Ledger was doing in this movie A Knights Tale. (What a brilliant actor he was)



"A man CAN change his stars. And I won't spend the rest of my life as NOTHING." said William.

"We're the sons of peasants. Glory and riches and stars are beyond our grasp. But a full stomach; THAT dream can come true" said Wat

"Roland, please.....With thirteen silver pieces three men can change their stars." said William.

"...........[ponders]....... God love you William.." said Roland.

It's just a movie... but can't you just tell how even in todays world, this is how we all are? Hundreds of years later, with so many advances in technology, philosophy and science we are all still trapped in a society where the majority of people do not dream of anything beyond keeping their stomachs full... because any dream beyond that would be more of a fantasy. Despite all our grumbling, we are all contented to just get by. We say we'd like to shoot for the stars, but we really just want to stay at home where it's safe. We believe that great achievements and success belong to other people who have it gifted on a silver platter.. that it's just somehow their fate.. and not ours. "Since I wasn't born with it, it's not mine to have."

Perhaps I'm just a foolish hoper... but I am inclined to believe what the character William said in the end... that with just thirteen silver pieces.. three man CAN change their stars.

And it all starts with believing.

An Employee's Fate

The Boss is crazy,
the work is busy
I’m so lazy
I wish I just had it easy.

I’ll be home late honey,
trying to earn some money
Boss said he’ll pay me a penny
He thinks he’s very funny.

The office - a cave
And you - the slave
Fight with boss? So brave!
Want your salary? Better behave

Emails to send
Documents to amend
Work never seems to end
I need you, oh glorious weekend!

Doing the things you hate
Till the night is late
That’s how it is mate
An employee’s fate!

When Life Overwhelms

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by life and all its demands? Have you ever felt like all at once there are so many things in life competing for your time and energy and life force?

As I write this, a heavy weight overwhelms my heart. The pressure of having to rise up to the challenges life is throwing at me feels so high. While the better part of my life was spend trying to come to terms with things that happened in the past, I am now at that stage where everything is about the future, everything is about where you’re going to get, instead of where you’re from. It’s a strange world of uncertainly where the only certainly is the certainty of change.

What do I do? How do I split my time? How do I try to live up to high expectations and standards set for me in my corporate life? How do I balance out trying to be a loyal and committed employee while also trying to make a decent living out of building a small business of my own? No matter how I try to divide it, how do I fit in all the things I need to do when all I have is 24 hours in a day? How do I respond to the calling in my heart to be closer to God and the church? How do I balance between being a good provider for a family without having to sacrifice quality time with them? How do I live a life of integrity and purity, when work requires you to do things less than honourable? Where do I turn to for the right advise on matters of investment and money? So many things in life call out to me, demanding my response and action... but so many different people sing different tunes to me.

Some tell me to focus on the life that is to come, to not get trapped in the ways of the world. To lead a pure and holy life, to not be sucked into this rat race life puts us all on. To trust that God will provide and not be preoccupied with money, riches and wealth.

Some tell me to focus on my work in the corporate line. They say I have a good future. They offer me promises of money, position and freedom way beyond what normal working people will ever achieve. Yet it comes with a sacrifice, of your time and energy and everything else. The rewards are great, and yet so are the sacrifices – its all or nothing.

And some… promise me the world, if only I have the patience and endurance. They tell me I can have it all… money, time, freedom. They tell me that I don’t need to live a life like everyone else. There is an alternative… They tell me its an achievable goal. And I believe them. But you can’t abandon one ship before the other hasn’t been built. And to built a living that gives you all that requires luck… and a lot of time… time I seem to be running short of every single day.

It feels like each of my limb is tied to a different horse, and all horses are running in opposite directions. I don’t know how I’m supposed to hold it all together.

And times like this, as I sit alone, distancing myself from the world.. all I feel like doing is giving up. To say “To hell with society and all its expectations”… and live a life of mediocrity… because in that mediocrity… I know I can still be happy and contented. But the faces of the people I love never leave my mind. The thought of family and their need drives me on. I feel like for their sake, I cannot give up. For their sake, I cannot be so selfish. For their sake I must succeed.

Underlying it all is a fear… a fear that if I don’t succeed in life, I would have let everybody down.. including myself.

Spurned

You know that feeling of having your hard work and effort all amount to nothing? To have it all go down the drain just like that after having pour out every bit of yourself for a cause? Well, that’s the shitty feeling I’m experiencing right now. Nothing dramatic, just some disappointment I faced recently.

Like a new lover eager to please his new love, I danced and played along and catered to her every whim and fancy. She asked for all sorts of things, made all sorts of demands. But she sprinkled words like ‘you’re so good’ or ‘you’re the best’..always hinting, always luring but never promising. Oh, how eager I was to believe those words, how quick I was to take it all in. How sweet her smile, how friendly her tone. She was all I wanted - the apple of my eye. I did everything she wanted. I gave her everything she asked for. I poured out my heart, my soul, my everything – awaiting the day she’d say to me that I was the one.

Later I realized that I was being ‘taken for a walk along the whole garden path’; meaning everything looks and feels nice, but doesn’t really lead you anywhere. But when you’re in the garden, everything’s nice and dandy; you believe with all your heart that a path this beautiful could only lead to someplace even more beautiful.

Then the silence comes… and the cold shoulder. She stops answering your calls, she doesn’t reply your emails, and she completely ignored you. You start to have doubts. Did I do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Something I did? You have no idea of knowing, but the silence just drives you mad.

And then, the dreaded day comes when you finally receive her phone call…

“I’m sorry… It it’s not you. It’s me. You’re really awesome… but I found someone else, and I really think he’s THE ONE. I’m sure you’ll make someone else really happy… but I’m afraid I’m not that person…”

And as you slowly feel your heart start to crumble into pieces, all you can say at this point is

“F**K YOU B**TCH!”

….… or so you think in your head.

But what you REALLY do (since you’re actually a decent human being), is just put your bravest most graceful smile and say

“It’s OK.. I understand. All the best to you.”…..

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how it feels like to be a sales person losing your first major order / tender.

:-P

When Boys Grow Up

Warning: This is an emotional, but nevertheless honest little rant... so if you would just bare with me for a few paragraphs... 

When I was growing up I used to look up to my father. He was this great man that always knew the answer to everything. To me he was knowledgeable, intelligent, wise and charming… and all I wanted to do was be like him when I was older. I always looked to him for an answer or solution when life threw bricks at us. And I had my brother. He has just two years older than me, but he was nothing like me. I was this shy, timid little boy and he was this adventurous, brave and fearless big brother who would always lead the way, be it into a big monsoon drain, abandoned swamp or the girls toilet. I was always his sidekick, following him loyally… from the back of course.

That was me. I was never ever the guy in front. I was always the guy in the background. The one looking up to others, following others. I’m good at playing the supporting actor in life. I’m good at being the backup guy. It’s the role I’ve been playing all my life.

But now I’m scared. Because I realize I can’t play that role anymore. I’m not allowed to. There is no one to follow anymore. There is no one to hide behind. I’m in front now… I’m holding the baton now… and it’s up to me to make things happens. It’s up to me to make life work.

As I reach the final month before my wedding, I realize that I really have no one to talk to about all these anxieties and fears that have creep up on me. I’m about to start a family. I’m about to be a husband.. and in the future a father… and the head of a new household… and I don’t know who I can turn to for guidance. My own father has failed not once, not twice, but three times in marriage. Somehow, I cannot see myself going to him for advice on how to make things work. My brother is only going into his second year of a steady relationship. In some sense, I feel like I have surpassed them in a way. I know I can count on their love… but not necessarily their advice.

As I go into my third year of being an employee, I realize that I have come a long long way since I started. I have learned so much, and have expanded my horizons far beyond what I could have imagined possible as a student. I find myself suddenly being the top pick of my boss to help him run his company. He puts enormous amounts of work, pressure and trust on me, fully expecting me to keep up and perform. It’s not without its rewards. He gives me a good salary, and tells me in no unclear terms that he’s grooming me for the top. It’s mine to take…….. if I can perform. But I see that in grooming me, he’s trying to make me into him. I can’t do that. I can’t be him. I neither have it in me, nor do I want to be him. I will learn what I can, but I must be who I am, not what he wants me to be.

And again, I find myself having no one to ask for guidance and advice when it comes to my career and work. I try talking to my brother and father about things… but then I realize that many of the things I talk about are new to them. They don’t know the kind of industry I’m in, nor the kind of world I’ve gotten myself suck into. My fiancée supports me and encourages me in all I do. She acts as a soothing balm to the hard, edgy, high pressure environment I face at work. But she cannot advice me. One dear friend tells me I should just quit this job and migrate to Australia… or find some job here that’s less taxing…. so that I can be closer to God. But she doesn’t understand…I feel enormous pressure to provide for my family. I may be young, but there are 5 heads dependant on me… and that’s just now. What happens when the fiancée starts to want to have children?

God knows I’m trying…. I’m trying so hard. I spend all my weekdays and weeknights slugging it out at work… committing myself a 110% to what is required of me. Then I go home and commit 110% to my family… trying to do as much as I can.. taking care of bills, giving them money, taking care of their needs, listening to their complaints, solving their problems. And on weekends, I commit 110% to others… people who aren’t family… but still people I consider dear to me… and I sit and listen for hours to them talk about their lives and their problems and their heartaches.. I clear out my schedule with no questions asked, I travel tens of miles, I squeeze in dinners or suppers or breakfast… as my commitment to the friendship…Some people evolve their lives around making money or what not. But this is my life.. my life is about me being of service to others, as an act of love..and praying and hoping to God that it will pay off.....and even still…….I don't know how I'm fairing. No one ever tells me how good a husband or son or son-in-law or brother or friend or enemy I have been. I don't know where I stand in peoples books. 

I’m old fashion. I believe a man’s worth is in his ability to be a good provider to his family, a faithful and caring husband, loving but stern father and a genuine and sincere friend…. If I can achieve all this things in my life… then I will have considered myself a success in life.

But since there really isn’t anymore in my life I can turn to anymore, all I have are my wits to guide me. All I have is this mind thinks so much it overheats. All I have is this heart that swings between extremes so much it feels like it’s on the verge of tearing apart. And I’m terrified that that is not enough.

The Travel Bug

Man, my backside is starting to get itchy.

I haven't been anywhere this entire year. (Yes, I've been to Singapore a lot.. and also to Sarawak.. but that doesn't really count). I need to go fly somewhere.. anywhere, where the people are different, the food is different, the culture is different. I suppose I have caught the bug ever since the end of studies.

To graduate, I studied in the UK for a short while... I visited Liverpool, Sheffield, Brighton & Whitby, Blackpool & numerous other small towns across the country... I visited the Seven Sisters, went hiking in the Peak District and backpacked for 2 days around London. All of which really left a lasting impression on me. The short way of describing it would be 'charming' I guess.

After that I managed to visit Paris (also on backpack) for a few days with a friend. We slept through the 8 hour bus ride from London to Paris and by the time we woke up, we were in the most visited city in the world. We walked for 3 days, visiting the Champ Elysees, the stunning Sacred Coeur Basilica and of course the Eiffel Tower, which rather comically at the time was filled with Scottish men wearing kilts due to the rugby world cup. In between that, we got harassed and spat on by a homeless 12 year old girl and got cheated out of all the cash we had in our pockets.

After I started work, my first overseas assignment was to Brussels, Belgium. I ate so much chocolate and drank so much beer that when I came back, people joked that I had eaten half of Belgium. But it was also there that I finally started to appreciate beer. I went alone, and I got lost in the middle of a small town where no one spoke English. And somehow by chance, I ended up having coffee with a Chinese woman and a France man, who was insistent on teaching us how to say "Enchanté" properly right in the middle of the Grand'Place. It was also then that I discovered that the MOST important words EVER in French are "Parle vous anglais?" and that French fries were in fact invented by the Belgians.

I went to Thailand for a few days... and the airport proudly proclaimed that Thailand was the 'Land of Smiles'... which turned out to be entirely true. Because we were lost in the middle of town, my Indian colleague and I were trying to bark instructions to the taxi driver, and all she did was continue smiling and nodding her head even when she didn't understand a world we were saying. I found out that when the waiter tells you they have 'flied lice' on the menu.. they really mean Fried Rice, though I'm pretty sure that other kind is available too.


After that, I went to Shanghai for 2 weeks.... and for the first time in my life, was eternally grateful that I at least knew how to understand and speak basic Mandarin, which proved to be a life saver. I found out first when what people meant when they say the Chinese entertained through their food.. because between 2 of us, my host ordered TWENTY (20) dishes...insisting that I tried at least a mouth full of everything. Perhaps it was my squinty eyes, or maybe my halting mandarin was amusing to them, but I found myself being taken care of very well by the Chinese folk. I had Japanese sushi with a very sweet young Chinese lady who insisted that I be showed around town... as testimony to the hospitality of Chinese people. And elderly man who was shuttling me around actually announced to the whole bakery that I was an 'important visitor' from Malaysia when I went to buy some bread - which left me completely shocked (and embarrassed).

Sigh...

I need to go on another one of those trips again.

Being on the road can feel lonely and unsettling at times. You feel like you've been plucked out from your roots and being moved from one place to another. But if you're like me.. you will also find it to be exciting and enriching. You never know what you're going to see. You never know who you're going to meet. The fact that you are in a totally different  environment where nothing is the same from what you know means that you're gazing at everything with fresh eyes... everything is being experienced for the first time. You experience every detail, every sight and every moment with child like wonder. You find even the most ordinary things amuse you "Wow, look at their buses! Look at the way they eat! Look at the shape of their chairs! Look, they don't use chairs! Look at the TV they watch, it's dubbed! Look at the cloths they wear! Ooo... they have Dim Sum too? Wow, you've HEARD of Malaysia?" I want to feel that again. I want to be sitting in a foreign part of the world getting all excited over what the locals will find to be the most mundane and ordinary item in their daily lives - like a cup holder or something.

Travel is beautiful...But it's not about how cool it is to be standing at a place where everyone knows else and wants to be at. It's about experiencing for yourself the things that God and Man has made of this world.. from the majestic sights of divine creations like mountains, valleys, oceans and rivers to the sights and sounds of things created by man - villages, cities, subways, trains, festivals, cafes and the like...They are all beautiful. They show you the wonder of God and that though we do not see it, there is an invisible hand that created everything. They show you the ingenuity of man in crafting and creating a life for himself on earth - different in means and method, but same in purpose and desire.

Anyway....... enough philosophical mumbo jumbo...

The closest opportunity I have this year is perhaps to visit India for a short while, though nothing is confirmed yet. Frankly, I've never thought about visiting India... but I guess if the opportunity came, I would still take it up.

It's just that - living in multi-cultural Malaysia, I've already been quite exposed to Indian culture. I have Indian friends, I speak a few Tamil words, I watch Hindi films, I've attended Indian weddings, I've tried  (almost) every conceivable Indian bread and curry there is, and I'm even pretty good at eating with my hands.


But I guess I'm just being too picky. After all, Indian's a pretty big country. Who knows what I'll encounter.

Cheers everybody...

The Pride of Men

You. You and your talent.

How high you regard your won talents. How great you think your abilities. You dare not boast openly about them. But I see through your thin veil of humility. I see your arrogance. I see the smugness in your heart. You think you’re better than others. I know people like you. People like you think you don't need anybody. People like you don’t want anybody’s help. You're so confident you think by your own sheer strength and ability you will make it to the top. And at the top, you think the glory will be shared with none, but acknowledged by all. You downplay others people’s achievements and sing praises of your own. You think you deserve better. You think you deserve more.

But you have no empathy. You complain about having to clean up other peoples mess, You complain about having to make right what others have done wrong other people's screw ups. You insist people should pay for their mistakes. You proudly declare that no one will ever need to clear your mess for you. A person of your caliber will never need people to right their wrongs. How smug you are. How blind you are. You do not realize that no one has come after you for your own mistakes. You do not realize that others have helped you even without your knowledge.

I try to tell you to do it in the right spirit. I try to tell you that one day, YOU will need the help of others, to clean up the mess YOU made, to right the wrongs YOU did... and what that day come (for it WILL), you will not regret having done this favour for others today. When you do something with a giving heart, it is my belief that others will pay you in kind in the future. And yet your hardened heart refuses to yield. Your arrogance prevents you from realizing the truth….

But one day you will realize.

No one ever gets far in life riding on the back of their own abilities. We will all need some sort of help some along the way.

Keep on this road, and you will find backs turn to you the day you need help the most. Keep on this road, and you will find your path to glory a lonely and hostile one. Keep on this road, and you will encounter many others like you. And the lot of you will claw and tear at each other. Who will help you then? Who will you turn to then? You will fail. Because you will realize that everyone who has ever become anyone in life got there with the support of others. Those who reached the stars did so by standing on the feet of giants; giants who despite having the strength and ability to reach for the stars, chose not to grab it for themselves, but to shoulder and support ordinary folk like you and me to reach such heights.

Oh, but you’re no ordinary folk aren’t you? Of course not, you have talent. You have intelligence. You have caliber.

Here’s news for you. I think nothing of your talents. You may think they give you a certain standing. But in my books, they count for nothing. My respect for people has little to do with how much money they have, what job they do, how well they speak, or the kind of things you have achieved. A weak man boasts to make himself look stronger than he really is. If all you can boast about is your job, or how much you’ve achieved or how much you’ve endured. I’m afraid you have shown yourself to be a very small man indeed.

People of true caliber, people of true heart never bother telling the world what they have done.. They come, they get involve, and they make things better. They don’t complain and whine about the mistakes of others. They don’t go on and one about how things should have been instead. They don’t seek glory for themselves. They bring others up. They teach, they lead, they support, they nurture. People of calibre don’t whine about not receiving enough. They just give, give and keep on giving. Their reward is in the heartfelt appreciation by others, in the priceless value of friendship and in the pride that they have had a part to play in the rise of others. Their hearts are large, and have no fear of others eclipsing them.

Those are the people I respect. Not people with talent. But people with heart, and humility….

One day you will realize that the major value in life is not what you get, but what you become. One day you will realize that to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.

A person as arrogant as you will never truly understand humility. Like meekness and kindness, you think humility is an attribute of the weak. And yet those who are meek, kind and humble possess a quiet, unshakable, unconquerable strength that you will never understand.

"The humbleness of a warrior is not the humbleness of the beggar. The warrior lowers his head to no one, but at the same time, he doesn't permit anyone to lower his head to him. The beggar, on the other hand, falls to his knees at the drop of a hat and scrapes the floor to anyone he deems to be higher; but at the same time, he demands that someone lower than him scrape the floor for him. - Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda"

Which one are you?

A Worry, A Hope, A Faith

I've been having a lot of doubts and worries lately.

And all boils squarely down to one thing - providing, and providing well.

I find myself in a very different position when compared to other friends who are around my age. Most of them are single or just dating, well into their first or second jobs, live under their parents room, and have no one to support other than themselves. They save money, spend on themselves going on holidays, buying the coolest gadgets, Saturday night drinks... living every bit of the yuppie lifestyle  many of us imagine ourselves having once we start work.

And on the other end, there is me. I owe my boss money, I owe the government money, I owe relatives money and I owe the bank money. I live on my own, I pay my own rent, I pay for my own car, and I pay all the bills. On top of that, I'm supporting a penniless and homeless father-in-law-to-be, I'm supporting a 20 year old brother-in-law-to-be and I'm supporting my mothers living expenses. On top of it all, I'm saving up money to fund for my own wedding AND honeymoon at the end of this year, I promised my fiancee we'd go backpacking in Europe within the next 2 years, and I seriously want to visit Australia.

And now, everyone's telling us we should seriously buy a house within the next 2 years before anything half decent becomes too expensive to afford. Have you ever tried looking at the kind of interests banks charge for a home loan??? Damn......

I know I'm not in this alone. My fiancee is helping out too, and so is my brother. But I feel the bulk of the pressure dropping mainly on me. After all, I am supposed to be the head of the home, I am supposed to be the breadwinner. Where the hell am I supposed to find the money?

They all pat me on the back and tell me don't worry. They tell me I'm doing well for a person my age. They remind me that I'm earning a healthly sum of money. True, I do earn a good salary. But I'm up to my neck in debts too. It all evens out. After paying off every relative, institution and bank, I'm still back to square one. I sit down and do the math - there is so much I am going to make over the next 2 years. There is only so much I can borrow. Add it all up, and it looks pretty much like a lifetime of debt.


I feel pressure to do something.. anything... to make things happen. I re-look at my job. I'm like my job. It's paying well. But what about 5 years from now? What about 10 years from now. Will this cute little outfit be able to pay me the kind of money I feel I need to be earning in 10 years time? What if I just stay on, and it all comes to naught? What if all my talents, ability and potential is never put to good use? One of my biggest fears has always been of underachievement. I don't want to reach the end of my life believing that I could have done so much more. It's no way to live life.

Maybe I should look at other things? Another job? One that will pay me ridiculous sums of money? What about doing insurance? Some people I know have gone on to earn 5 figure salaries within 3 years. Multi Level Marketing? There's always someone wanting to recruit you. Start a business maybe? Sell food? Open a cafe? Start selling Char Koay Teow? I heard some of them drive Mercedes cars. But I'd have to learn how to cook first. What about going overseas? Maybe I should get a job in Singapore. Or perhaps get a oil and gas job in the middle east. What about Oil rigs? They pay USD300 A DAY. That's an obscene amount of money, but you really put your life on the line, not to mention it staying in the middle of the sea for 2 weeks with no communication to the outside world tends to mess with your head.


Sigh.....

That's typically what's been going through my head. The world is your oyster. Every person is free to make his / her own choices in life. If you want to achieve something, the sky is your limit. But everything still boils down to the choices you make. More than anything else, it is your choices in life that defines you. The choices we make tell a lot about the kind of person we are. The problem with choices is that, you never know where it will lead to. You can only tell as far as one step ahead, but no more. It was Winston Churchill who said that  "It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.”

And yet we are told that in everything that we do, begin with the end in mind. I look at the next 10 years of my life and at it's core, I know the things I want in my life. The problem is just this - I don't know how I'm going to get there, or if I ever will. But I know I must try the best I can. The deep fear in me is that my best may turn out to be not good enough; that if I never achieve anything in my life, it wasn't because I did not live up to my full potential, but that my full potential was simply not that much. I'm not sure how I will take that.

I know where I want to end up. I have ready feet. But I don't know how to get there. I am overcomed by a surge of panic... and finally, I confide in my fiancee. I tell her these deepest fears I have. I tell her I'm not as capable as she thinks. I tell her I don't think I can give her the life she envisions.

She strokes my head, holds my head and gives me a hug.

I believe in you, she tells me. Then she starts to sing. God will make a way, when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me. He will be my guide. Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, he will make a way.

And I am soothed. My turbulent heart calms down a bit.

She's right. She's always right.


Every blessing that I have today came from God. I know this because nothing I have achieved today was ever planned. I didn't plan for this job, I didn't plan for this life, I didn't plan for all the things I have right now, I didn't plan for problems at home to be solved. Every blessing that has come to me today, came on it's own accord. They were not from my capability or doings. I could never have done this on my own. Life really takes you on a journey of its own.

Why have I suddenly felt like it was within my power & ability to run my life with my own means for the next ten years when everything that has happen in the last ten had nothing to do with me? Maybe this was what they meant when they said to walk by faith and not by sight.

As easy as the blessings came, they might be taken away one day. I suddenly realized that. At any moment now, life might suddenly turn for the worse and all this pursuit of money will seem so petty and useless. Or it could get better and I am blessed with riches far beyond my imagination. Either way, I realized it's less in my hands that I first thought. If you believe that everyone has has a destiny in life, then believe that that destiny lies squarely in the hands of God and not you.

So, do what you will with my life dear God - You've been doing it all along anyway. Get me a mansion or move me into the ghettos. Bless me with good health or plague me with sickness. Shower me with love or smite me with lightning. Give me blessings and I will pray and thank you. Throw me hardship, and I will pray for strength. Either way, I commit everything into Your good hands.

Wasn't it the wisest man who ever lived who said:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

 Proverbs 3:5-6

Now That's a Job.

Like I've said before, I never talk about my work. I refuse to let my job define who I am. I don't talk the about the nature of my work., the product I deal with, the things I achieve, the work I've done... not here at least. That's not to say there aren't any interesting things to tell. In fact, there are many.

Many people I know aren't quite happy at their jobs. Either they aren't getting enough pay, the work isn't fulfilling enough, or they hate their boss. A lot of them pride themselves for working at big, well known international organizations. Often times, they tell me the name of their company with more than just a hint of pride in their tone.

When they ask me in return what I do, I just say I'm working in a company small little company whose name I will not mentions since you would've never heard of before and not bother to remember after anyway.

"Oh, that's nice.." they tell me politely.

But here's the part I usually leave out:

I am exceedingly happy with my job. I'm getting way more than enough pay (for a person of my age), I find the work fulfilling & challenging, I certainly don't love my boss.... but he treats me real good. I dare say better than most of the others in the company. In fact, it's going so well that I am entrusted with a lot of information & task that are private and confidential and I have been put above people many years my senior. Says I'm being 'groomed'. For what he didn't say, but I think I have a pretty good guess. And since the boss is also the owner, anything he says goes in the company. And when you're in the good books of such a boss, it's hard not to say you're in a good position.

"So what do you do in your work?" they ask

"Oh, you know... attend meetings, do tenders, coordinate projects etc etc. Nothing fancy la. I'm the photocopy boy, the sales rep as well as the IT trouble shooter. That's what you get when you work for a small company. You do everything."

But I actually enjoy that. I've learned a lot more about a very wide range of things.. since there really isn't anyone else to do it. I've had to learn bits and pieces of web hosting, international freight forwarding, mechanical/civil/chemical/process engineering, purchasing, sales and marketing, legal & commercial contracts, banking & corporate financing, site construction, manpower supply and back home, how to prevent your photocopy machine from jamming. But of course, I don't tell that to people. Sound too much like bragging.

Having said that, I still know deep down inside that this isn't exactly my passion. No doubt, I can do the job (and do it well), but I still find myself talking to people about every other time other than my job. Intellectually & mentally, it stimulates me - and that provides some kind of satisfaction in itself. But I'm not the kind of nuts and bolts, machines kind of guy. Machines don't excite me. People do. If I ever drop all of this in search for something else, it will be something where people are the focus. Not machines, schedules & cost. People.

I think we all eventually find something we consider to be our calling in life. Some want to be millionaire stock brokers, some want to open a coffee house and some want to be doctors. Others have simpler dreams, like being a mom, a columnist or just a teacher. I'm not sure if I've found my own calling yet.

For now, it just a fuzzy little idea in my brain that can basically be summed up in one statement:

I want to help people, in a real and personal way - that they may learn to live fulfilling, meaningful & happy lives regardless of the obstacles they face in life; and that eventually they themselves go forth and be a help & blessing to others.

The Man In Love

I couldn’t help but shake my head. He wasn’t out disappearing on weekends having his fill of women and booze… he was just a man in love.

Something happened to him a few months back. He became non-contactable over the weekend, his work suffered, he couldn’t focus, and worst of all, he kept everything to himself. People had been asking for months and months why, but his lips were sealed. Many though he was more interested in womanizing over the weekends that committing himself to his work. Some thought it was a deliberate act of insubordination and basic I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. Whatever it was, I started to see that his job was in danger.

I had asked a few times before, albeit in the presence of others, but he refused to say anything.

“Family? Friends? Lover? Money? What is it man? Come on, you gotta at least say something. How else can anyone help you?”

“It’s personal", he would reply. "I’m getting it sorted out. Once it’s all sorted out, everything can return to normal. But in the mean time, I can’t be around on weekends, and I can’t tell you why.”

And that was that.. no more questions.

But that night, something changed. We were having a long conversation. The boss was all over his back, and I was trying to help him settle it. I didn’t want to watch another colleague leave. He was perhaps one of the last people who were around when I first joined this company. Most of the others were new, and I was starting to feel rather alone in this company.

We were watching a replay of last night’s game. He being ethnic Indian and all, I jokingly asked when his parents were going to find a wife for him. That was when he spilled the beans.

“I’m already married.”…..

I almost threw up.

“WHAT? You’re joking right?”

He gave me a silent look.

“No shit! Serious?......... What, shotgun marriage? Did you eloped or something?”

“No, nothing like that…it’s hard to explain. I made a mistake OK. But I’m fixing it right now. I just need more time.”

Fixing things - I understood that. Men are perpetually trying to fix things. We pride ourselves with being able to fix everything ourselves.... except dinner of course.

“I met someone, and I fell in love. Just like you and your girl. Do you love her? Are you happy when you are with her? Do you always feel like you want to be with her?”

“Yes.. of course.”

“That’s how it is for me. I never believe all this crap about people falling in love before. I thought all those crushes was love. But when I met this girl, I was like ‘Shit… so THIS is love’…. When I’m with her.. I’m HAPPY. Can you understand that? I’m HAPPY. Every weekend, every free time I have, I want to spend with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

I smiled. I had never seen this side of him before. It’s weird when you’re used to seeing someone in a certain way before suddenly discovering a how new side of them. He had this spark in his eyes and this smile on his face. I knew that look well……. It’s the kind of look people always had when talking about something they’re passionate about. And this man was passionate. This man was in love. But his love also came with many complications.

“Why haven’t you told anyone? Not even your parents and family?”

“It’s complicated….. Look, I haven’t been home since November. How am I supposed to just show up and tell them I’m in love and that I’m married?”

Traditional Indian families aren’t always receptive of inter racial marriages for one. His mom had been saving up money for his future dowry. No doubt they already had a candidate in mind. This girl wasn’t Hindu. Heck, she wasn’t even Singaporean or Malaysian, but Indonesian. She was Muslim, which was another problem. To properly marry a Muslim girl in Malaysia, one had to first convert to the religion. He didn’t really care, but he definitely did not want to convert his own religion. He said they were trying to get her religion officially converted to Christianity – the seemingly neutral ground.

To complicate matters, they had actually gotten married secretly. Or more accurately, HE had gotten married secretly. Society expects people to get married in an orderly fashion; court, date, engage, marry. And if you’re going to marry someone, marry someone decent.. not some girl you met in Batam under questionable circumstances. But that’s what he did. He took a boat ride to Indonesia one weekend thinking he was just there to have fun, but instead, met a girl that would change his life… and SOMEHOW… got married secretly. I guess it’s true when they say life is stranger than fiction. He pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of her.

“Pretty… Congrats….”

“Thanks…. She simple minded, she can’t even speak English properly..…. But she makes me happy.”

I smiled again. That line seemed to have an effect on me. Unlike so many other people, at least this man knows when something priceless came his way. Happiness is something we all pursuit naturally. It’s easy to find things that make us happy. But it’s hard to find someone who makes us happy. In my heart, I was already all for him. I didn’t want to know if she was a village girl, store keeper or former prostitute… if this girl makes him happy, he should cling on to her with dear life….

I could not help but share my own stories with her. At the time, everyone told me I should stay far away from her. They labeled her a ‘problematic girl’. She had a philandering father who dumped his son in the streets, a mentally ill mother gone missing for years, an older brother who was a violent junkie, and a younger brother who grew up in an orphanage. Add it all up…. she could only spell bad news. I had a broken family of my own with a family equally as messed up…. People said it was a recipe for disaster….. But I was stubbornly in love… and gladly, so was she. I took my own wallet out and showed her the picture of my fiancée… beaming with pride.

“You aren’t the only one with good taste you know..” I said and he gave me a smack.

“Hey, you have anyone you can talk to about this problem? You’ll go crazy if you don’t talk about it.”

“No one. No one can know until I get this sorted out.”

If that were so, I was wondering why he was told me in the first place.

“You can’t keep this a secret forever you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out in the open… and sometimes, a bit of advice from the outside is useful. The sooner you get this out, the sooner the two of you can start life together properly. ”

“I know. Let me just settle a few things before I let it out.”

I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. I like believing that true love conquers all…. I said to him:

“Look, not as your colleague but personally, let me say this. Ask yourself if she is worth all this hurdles you’re going to have to face this year – don’t kid yourself, this isn’t going to get fixed so quickly or easily….. you’re going to have to face up to a LOT of shit at home and at work once this gets out. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, you will and can go through this together. But you better be damn sure about this love, because if it’s not, your relationship & your entire world will come crumbling down when it matters most.”

He kept silent… I assumed he was giving some thought to what I said.

“People are thinking you’re out having your fun, deliberately ignoring work…. Why can’t you just tell people you’ve got a girlfriend now or something? At least they will know why you’re not around”

“No, if I tell them even a bit, they will start spinning a lot of stories..”

“They are ALREADY making stories right now without you saying a word. And unlike your girl, the stories going around aren’t pretty……. Get it sorted out okay. If there’s one thing I know, your work will always suffer if your personal life is in tatters.”

“I know. I’m experiencing it firsthand. No one knows ok. Only you and one other friend know. Keep this between us OK.”

“OK” If there’s one thing I know how to do… it’s keeping a secret. I had them too. But unlike his, mine are the kind people don’t even know exist.

I reached out and gave him a pat on the back. I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, a grossly misunderstood man. I felt for him. He was suffering in silence. Everyone was talking behind his back, painting ugly pictures of a hedonistic life he was allegedly living… when the only wrong he has done was to fall in love and keep silent about it.

I looked at him as he sipped his beer. He dreaded what was to come… but I could see he was willing to face it anyway. He was just buying himself time. He looked so scared......yet so brave. I guess love does that to you.

Serendipity Sunsets

I seldom if ever talk about my work.

First of all, the field I'm in is highly technical. It's hard to answer in simple layman terms what I do exactly, or the product we make. Most of the time, unless it's a fellow engineer, my explanations invariably draw blank looks from people... and I just go "Oh nevermind... I'm just a regular engineer k..." I know people aren't really interest in what engineers do anyway. Also, a big part of me refuses to let what I do for a living define the person that I am. A lot of people derive their sense of worth from their job. The only way they feel important or significant, is if their job is important and significant. I don't really buy into that thinking. I know where my sense of self comes from, and my job ain't it.

But believe it or not, I actually enjoy the work I'm doing now. There are no two days that are exactly alike. It's challenging, it's dynamic, and in many ways, it's quite exciting. Over the course of my work, I have sat through million dollar contract negotiations, witnessed profanities flung across the room in official meetings, people get fired on the spot, sat under the sweltering hot sun tightening bolts & nuts & watching people getting seriously injured while working in the field.

But today wasn't one of those days...

Today... everything was fine. I sat at the back of the truck as it made its way out of the plant at the end of the shift. There were just a few of us, all dressed up in our safety helmets, goggles, ear plugs, coveralls, safety boots, gloves...... We talked about the events of the day, shared a few laughs and the inevitable few dirty jokes. It was the weekend. Most of us had home on our mind and were only too eager to get out of our suits. Most of them had wife and kids. I think I was the youngest one there.

Our laughter died down, and everyone just looked away, each busy with their own thoughts. I wasn't looking forward to the regular jam at the causeway later... but I needed to brave it if I wanted to be home. I looked at my watch.."Ah.. 7pm.. time to look up". I leaned back and looked outward towards the sky.

Clear skies with some clouds here and there. Colours changing hue from deep orange from where the sun was setting to dark blue where the moon was rising.

PERFECT.

The life of an engineer isn't the least bit glamorous. But in between calling an end to a hard days work, sharing a good laugh & looking up at that beautiful sky in silence, I felt happy. Evening skies then to have that effect on me.

My thoughts went out to my family, old friends, new friends, friends facing difficult times, friends I hadn't seen in months, people I lost touch with, people I still keep in touch with, people I gave up trying to connect with and most interestingly, people who have made sudden contact with me again after so many years. Being away from it all somehow gave me clearer insight into many of my relationships with people. I could see which ones were superficial and which ones were genuine, which were just camaraderie & which were true concerns.

I smiled to myself.

Just like catching a glimpse of this sunset today, many of the most amazing things that have happened in my life happened unexpectedly. I didn't plan them, they just fall right into my lap unasked for. The most valued relationships I've came from the most unexpected places & happened right under my nose. I landed myself an interesting job before I even knew what I was getting myself into. The love of my life literally turned herself around and introduced herself to me before I could even plucked up the courage to look her in the eye. I guess you could say I'm a real lucky little bastard. I think I've had more than my fair share of serendipity so far.

Anyway, at that moment, I was cracking my head trying to think of this quote I read for some reason...but could not remember the words exactly... but here it is.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.  ~Margaret Young

It's good to be home, even just for a while. Have a good weekend.

Cheers

Engineer --> Writer --> Teacher --> Anthropologist --> Kopitiam Taukeh

I'm an engineer who secretly imagines he's a writer but actually wants to be a teacher but at the same time considering being an anthropologist....as soon as he figures out what the heck anthropologist really do for a living. Human behaviour fascinates me. I think studying it would be interesting. And when I'm old (or freaking rich, whichever first), I'll just open a kopitiam by the corner somewhere, sell Chinese tea, cigarettes and spend my days annoying people by selling overpriced tissues instead of providing them free of charge.

Engineer --> Writer --> Teacher --> Anthropologist --> Kopitiam Taukeh


Sounds like a plan?