In Everything Give Thanks

Dear God,


I'd tell you you're great, but you already know that.I'd tell you you're generous and giving, but you already know that. I'd tell you that you are the most abstract, yet most consistently present force in my life, but you already know that too.

You're always there, you always know what's best for everyone. And you always help those who come to you sincerely, humbly and with open hearts. I didn't always know that. But now I do.

Thank you... for everything.

Yours sincerely
Me

A Prayer The Night Before...

Dear God,

How will my life turn out from this day on? I have no idea. But you’ve led me this far. It’s only right that I let you lead me on. Thank you for bringing wonderful people into my life. Thank you for hard earned lessons, thank you for grace and forgiveness, thank you for second chances, thank you for love and friendship.

As I start this whole new chapter of my life, please help me. Help me be better than what I have been, help me learn from painful mistakes, so that they aren’t wasted. Help me be the best that I can and should be, for my own sake and for and for the ones I love. Help me still my turbulent heart – let it quiet down and settle. Let it learn peace and contentment. Let it no longer be torn and divided. Help me grow wiser. Help me forgive and love others, just as I have been loved and forgiven by others. Help me learn how to be Godly and righteous, in thought and in action. Let me not want the things I shouldn’t want. Let me want the things I should.

Give me wisdom, give me courage – to be the man I should; as a son, as a brother, and now as a husband.

Lead my heart, and let it be faithful. Let it no longer wander and stray as it so often does. Let it not lust and crave for temporary pleasures… Let it love and care for people and things that matter. Let it learn to love others in the right way, in the right amounts. Let the love that kindles in my heart and in this newly founded marriage be pure.

Teach me how to spend my walking closely to you. Indeed. You have been faithful to me, even when I have not been to you. Give faith and hope to the persons most precious to me. Lord you know who they are, even if they don’t know it themselves. Just like how you have allowed certain people to become a blessing to me in my life, let me also be a blessing to the people around me, so that I may give back even if it’s just in part, what I have received from others.

I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Sometimes, we find the answers instantly, other times it takes a long while before we do, and sometimes we just never do. But whichever it is, I do believe that You are behind it all; that behind every laugh, every cry, every tear and every song, you are at work.

And with that in mind, whatever happens tomorrow and the for the rest of my life, however things turn out, I leave it all in Your good hands.

In Jesus Christ I pray.

Amen.

Counting My Blessings...

Dear God

Thank you for:

1. Family.I realized thatt as small as my family is, we love each other and we take care of each other. And I realize that family isn't just whose related to you by blood... it's also those who love you no matter what. 
2. Genuine & sincere friends. Its good to know there are people out there who love you and care for you not because they have to, but because they want to. 
3. Giving me a conscience. Although I'm eternally struggling with my conscience, I'm grateful nonetheless for it. Because it helps me know what is right and what is wrong; when to back down and when to make a stand; when to forgive and when not to forget. It has been my greatest guide so far in life. 
4. Faith. It's a weak and undeveloped one. But I believe its there never the less. Its the thing that keeps me believe that whatever life throws my way, it is not without rhyme or reason. Is is the thing that makes me believe that when God puts an obstacle before you, He doesn't do it without giving you a means to overcome it. It's the thing that makes me belife that eventhough life is hard sometimes. we need not be disheartened. It is such that the challenges you face will always be just a bit beyond your current reach, but always within your eventual height... That way, you are always growing.
5. Ten million dollars. A sense of humour. :-) Thank you for giving me the joy of laughter.

Here's to the Night

Here's to the nights

We felt alive

Here's to the tears

You knew you'd cry

Here's to goodbye

Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Here's a toast

To all those who hear me all too well

Thanksgiving...

So thanksgiving just came and went over in the great USA.

Now, to tell you the truth, I have no idea what Thanksgiving IS, or why they celebrate it at all. Searching the most reliable source ever on the internet Wikipedia, I found this. After reading a few more source, I realized even the people who celebrate thanksgiving don't seem to know where it all started. It's harvest festival, it's a pseudo religious celebration, it's to celebrate American pilgrims surviving a brutal winter, but it's also some celebration of peace between red Indians and the pioneers or something. Don't ask me why people eat Turkey and potatoes. It's the same obscure reason people bake fruit cakes on Christmas... no one really knows.. or want to know. (although I have attempted to find an answer to that too)

From what I know, thanksgiving is a time when family gather round each other, make merry, and have a feast together and start counting their lucky stars for all the things that they have been blessed with in life. Oh, and the President gets to choose one turkey to 'pardon' from the slaughter house and live the rest of it's life as 'First Turkey' or something. Sounds like a wonderful thing to be doing really. Over here in Malaysia, we don't get to pardon a 'First Turkey' or chicken, or cow, or any other assorted poultry. But we do have a time when family travel hundreds of miles just to be sitting next to each other for dinner. And that's usually Christmas, Chinese New Year, Hari Raya... and pretty much all other major holidays. But the idea that at least once a year, families gather around a table, bond, reflect and give thanks (I assume to God) for all that they have... is a BEAUTIFUL thing to do. If only we did it more than just once a year.

If I may digress a bit, don't you think technology today, for all it's wonders and splendor, is still unable to replicate the experience of physically being in the presence of another person? Why do Malaysians,  Americans, and all other peoples of the earth bother to travel hundreds, brave cruel storms, rain, blizzards and typhoons just to sit next to the one they love? Don't you think these people have heard of Skype, or Facebook, twitter, or even email? Why don't they just video call and broadcast dinner over a big screen? But it's not quite the same isn't it? For all the things technology has done for us, there is NOTHING that can replace the human side of bonding. We need each others physically presence. To look into their eyes, to pat them on the shoulder, to hold their hand, to hug them, to kiss them, to hear their voice, to see their expressions etc....It's the only way things like love, trust and understanding can really be cultivated strongly. I have learn in my life that if you sincerely want to know someone, want to care for them, and want to establish a connection with them... meeting is the only and best way. My friend, if you want to care about someone, meet up with them, as often as it is possible.

Anyways, back to the topic of thanksgiving. I'm not celebrating Thanksgiving in anyway. But I do feel compelled to list down things that I am grateful for. Things I want to thank God for in my life. Here are some of the things:

1. Family.

Yes, I'm grateful for my family, as dysfunctional as it may be today. I'm grateful that my mother is alive and well, that she's much happier now that she has even been for the past 15 years. I'm grateful that my father is out of his (various) marriage crisis.. and that I have him close to me, to just be a dad. I'm grateful to have an older brother, who although is a bit too idealistic and dreamy for my taste sometimes, remains only and most constant source of brotherly love for me. 

2. Loving Fiancee

Don't worry, I'm not going to go on and on about how great a girl I'm with. I'll just say that many a days, I have to pinch myself just to check if I'm dreaming. Truth be told, I never really thought I could love a person the way I love her now. The thought of her makes me smile. The sight of her makes me melt. And her love and support to me is a big reason why I am the person I am today. She says she's a lucky girl... and it seems people seem to repeat that to her too. But people don't know. They don't know, it's really ME that's lucky. I'm a mess without her.. a fact has become just sooOo evident to me in recent weeks / days.

3. Friends.

If I were to start counting to you the friends that truly mean something to me, it won't reach more than 10 fingers. I don't know why I don't have more friends. OK, maybe I do. I'm picky with friends. I don't like just hanging out with just anybody... because frankly, I can't care for so many people. So I pick and choose. And for the ones that I choose to try making friends with, I am so grateful that they reciprocate that friendship and care. The thing about these sort of friends are... you don't always get to be around them all the time.. but you just know that the care about you.. and you hope to God that they know you do too.... I know maybe I'm a bit too young to be telling these sort of 'fatherly' advise kinda thing.. but I have learned that as you grow older, making new friends gets harder and harder. And finding genuine ones that are for keeps.. is EVEN harder. Keep those you find precious to you in your heart. And if you can, go the extra mile to let them know you care. You can't assume people 'just know'.

4. The person that I am

For pretty much my entire life, I've never been able to be entirely comfortable with the person that I am. Not ever now post puberty. Half the time, I'm terrified of being too ordinary and mediocre. And the other half is spent actually believing I AM ordinary and mediocre. I've always had complaints about myself. Too serious, too boring, too fat, too passive, too plain, and the biggest one of all... too nice. I always wished I was better looking, or more charming, or more rugged and macho. I think it's one of my insecurities. In response to that, someone said this to me in a letter.

"You have a charm too, you know? You just don’t realise that when girls say you are nice, they are actually charmed by you. There is no equivalent word to describe how they feel, so they’ll say you are nice. I’m a girl and I know what they mean when they say so. Nice people are nice to be with and please don’t think girls don’t fall for nice guys. It’s a misconception."

That did make me feel somewhat better of myself (though I'd sooner die before acknowledging any of the above) and it also made me think a bit more about what I was really complaining about here. Being the person that I am today has opened doors for me. It helped me gain trust, love and respect in work and in my personal life. Being the person that I am has won me a few caring friends here and there. Being the person that I am also won me the heart of the woman who wrote the above letter to me. The one that I finally asked her hand for in marriage. So at least for today, and for as long as this feeling will last, I'm going to stop complaining about everything that I'm not and be thankful for being the person I am instead of beating myslf up over everything that I am not.


5. Others

This list can be either very short.. or very long. There are plenty of other things I give thanks for... some big...some petty. So, to keep this post short here are a few short and concise 'honourable mentions' so to speak. I'm grateful and give thanks for:

- my job (and pretty much everything having an income has managed to provide me)
- my boss (yes, really. For giving me a job of course)
- my completed education
- my complete freedom to blog as I like
- my health
- my sense of humour
- my good luck (in getting away with naughty stuff. haha)
- my uncanny ability to always find parking (it's true!)
- random people who've helped me in my life
- random people who've been following my blog
- not being materialistic
- not having to go through National Service
- not being obese
- not born with any weird deformities.
- not being born a girl (this one' just a joke ok)
- not being forced to buy a pink shirt
- not really caring too much about what I wear, or how I look.
- having random strangers think I'm actually interesting enough to get to know
- having a nice home cooked meal waiting at home in the evenings.
- having the complete freedom to go wherever, whenever.
- having parents that listen to me instead of telling me what to do (this is actually a real bonus)

I know it's only too easy to fall into that trap of wanting the tings we do not have. But it's not too hard to count your blessings either. Here's some quotes that really spoke to me that spurred me to stop whining and start giving thanks.

“I would rather be able to appreciate things I cannot have than to have things I am not able to appreciate.” Elbert Hubbard

“Gratitude consists of being more aware of what you have, than what you don’t.”

–Unknown

Cheers.. and happy thanksgiving everyone.

Love & Thanks....

"So have you eaten dinner?" I ask awkwardly.

“Yes, yes, I cooked some noodles… thank you, thank you” came the reply.

Almost a week into him staying here. He still seems to thank me profusely for every small little thing.

I was told I was hanging around in my room too much, being anti-social. I was told I was not opening up and not letting him the chance to communicate with me. I was told to make an effort to warm up to this old man… for her sake. Yes, I could do that, but only for her sake. She was the one of those very few people who could ask things of me, and get a yes… purely because it was them asking and not someone else, purely because it was for their sake.

And so I tried. Tired as I was, exhausted as I was, I stayed, and made an effort to talk to this old man. I’d rather just go back into the room, lost again in my own thoughts, reading, reflecting, and writing. But I did say I will try.

“There’s some tea I bought when I was overseas, go ahead and try it if you want. No one else drinks it” I try again. That was it; that was the best I could muster. Damn it, I'm offering him my freaking special tea you don't easily find around Malaysia, surely that meant something right? :-S

“Oh.. yes, yes, thank you very much.” came the same reply.

I gave up. This wasn’t going to work just like that. I knew what I needed. I needed time. Time to smoothen the edges, time to take away the awkwardness… but really, just time to come to terms with one another and learn how to be comfortable.

“I’ll be in the room, just let me know if you need anything OK.” I was just about to put an end to my feeble attempt when he came up to me.

He walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. The first time I’ve ever had physical contact with him. Physical contact: always an important barrier to break when trying to establish closeness with someone. I always crave the human touch, especially with people who matter to me, especially with people I want to be close to. It was he who made the effort to break it, not me. A point I didn’t fail to note.

He calls me by my name…. (I won’t write it here of course) A persons name: something that is very intimate and personal. I care about what people call me. At work, I’m Mr. XXX. Or just XXX. Friends call me by my personal name. Family, and close friends, naturally start calling me shorter forms of my name after a while. It always feels more personal, more intimate. Subconsciously, everyone loves being called by their name, and I am no exception, especially by people who matter, especially in a tone and manner that is loving. It’s the first time he addresses me by my personal name. First time we met, he called me by my surname. Again, a point I didn’t fail to note.

I turn and look at him. He just made 2 important gestures (touching and calling me by name).... I wasn't quite sure what to expect. What did he want to say? What's he trying to do? It almost felt like I was being.........defensive.

“Thank you…...... thank you....for all that you have done all these years.” he tells me.

“eeeeerr......I haven’t done anything…” I reply, looking into his eyes and shaking my head. Truth be told I was completely taken aback.

“No, you have done a lot. My son told me some of the things you have done for my them. Thank you for taking care of them all these years.”

“………………It’s okay. I haven’t done much really. You should be proud of your children. Your son is a fine young man, with a good head on his shoulders. And your daughter is a very brave, and very loving woman. Despite all that has happened, they both turned out fine.”

He nods his head. Maybe he was as speechless as I was.

I have no idea where the hell that little speech came from. But I didn’t know what else to say. This was the last thing I’d expect him to say directly TO ME.

A meek smile and a pat on the back later, I quickly scurry off and was safe and secure, back in my own room.

Pheeeww..... Damn.. that was awkward. One of them male intimate moments again?

“What just happened?” I asked myself. Did he just thank me? Why is he thanking me? Did I say the right thing? Shit, it might have sounded so patronizing. I was too caught off guard to give a decent response. What the hell was I SUPPOSED to say anyway?

I don’t know what he thinks I have done for his children. I don’t know what sort of savior he thinks I am. I certainly don’t feel like one. And I certainly can’t recall any valiant deeds I have done for her OR her brother. Was it his guilt conscience more than my actual contributions? Do I deserve thanks from this man? He was the older one, and I the younger one. The man's almost triple my age, shouldn't I be the one making first contact, building bridges and being humble? .

I dunno. I need to think about it.

But I knew one thing about myself. I brushed the thanks off in such a nonchalant way, as if it was some small petty issue. Pfft... typical Asian behaviour I guess, always rejecting thanks & praise. But deep in my heart, it mattered. It mattered that he came up to me and said thank you. Not that I feel I deserve a pat in the back, or that this guy owes me big time. But the fact that he appreciated whatever it is he thinks I have done for his family, and bothered to make the effort to say thank you. You have no idea how powerful a simple gesture of love and thanks can be. A simple pat on the shoulder, a loving hug, a gently whispered thank you, it makes you feel appreciated. It makes you feel useful to someone other than your self, like your existence does matter to other people. Not to an organization, not to an establishment, but to a genuine person, who now acknowledges that you made an important difference in their life.

I felt good. It felt good to be thanked, especially when that thanks was not sought after nor even expected. I can count with one hand the number of times I have been sincerely thank like this. The last time was in an email I received, which pretty much made my week. Don't ask me what I did back then, because frankly, I have no idea. But it remains one of the single most cherished emails I have ever received.

This was a lot more awkward, and less sweet to the taste buds, but no less overwhelming. The next time I was on the phone with her, I told the story to her.

"Your dad... he..... he thanked me.." I stuttered.

"REALLY? What did he say?"

I know it got her attention. She had not expected this either. They were proud people. It was in their blood. sharp minds, strong character and deep sense of pride. She was her fathers daughter, and in many ways, I think she understood more than I did how hard it is for them to come humbly before another person... what more a person a third your age.

"Nothing much la.... just something about taking care of you & your brother all these years. Says your brother talked to him. I duno what he's been telling your dad... but he's under the impression that I did some super thingy." I said with a weak laugh. Again, I keep trying to downplay the whole episode.

You know how sometimes you can hear a smile through the phone? No eyes needed? Well, I think she was smiling.

"I think he appreciates what you did. I also told him some the things that we've been through all these years he's been missing." she replies.

"Gosh............ emmmm. Alright. Well, I'll tell you more later okies. Bye."

"A'rite, bye."

Sincere and genuine thanks are so hard to come by these days... I'm always on cloud nine when I receive them. Say your thank you's people. And mean it. Not the 'oh, by the way, thanks ar...' kinda thing... but a deliberate, intentional, purposeful one. The more specific the better. It's a little effort on your part, but it goes a long way. Take it from someone who knows how it feels like on the receiving end. We (or rather I) will never admit it, but it makes every hardship, every challenge, and every other pieces of sh*t life throws at you not necessarily easier to deal with but definitely more worth while to endure.

Why do we struggle through life, trying to make ends meet, trying to make things right, if not for the love of the people we care for? And what greater reward is there in life than knowing that the things you do out of this love, have not gone unnoticed, but fully acknowledged by the persons involved?

Do you believe in Karma? I was told by someone once that whenever the universe presents something to you, never forget to say Love and Thanks. When you forget to give back love and thanks, you have taken something away from the universe and not given back in return.... and things DO have a way of coming full circle. I don't know if things always come full circle in life. Bad things have happened to good men, and good things to bad men. But I do believe in the power of being loving (to everyone we encounter in life), and giving thanks for all the big or small, significant or tiny things that we received in our life.

Gosh.... I think I need to start making a thank you list. God knows, I owe a lot of thanks to so many who have helped me in my life.