The Mark of Maturity

What is the mark of maturity?

How do you tell if one person is mature while another is not? What about the levels of maturity? How do you measure the extent to which a person is mature?

Sigh...

I was disappointed by someone again today. By someone I expected to behave in a more mature manner. By mature, I don't mean wiser or smarter or more intelligent, but simply by being more responsible.

Because to me, that's the true hallmark of maturity isn't it? How responsible you are as a person. How much responsibilities you take on and how you carry out those responsibilities. We are ultimately the sum of the things we do. We are the sum of our actions. And when we fail to act in a responsible manner, it shows just how mature we are. And by responsible, I really mean dependable. Because in many ways, a mature person is often a person you can depend on, be it for sound advice, cool heads or simply just to get something done. Is it really that hard to do. When you commission a task to someone to do, you trust that this person has the maturity of mind and the consistency in action to make sure things turn out the way you require them to. That's how you know if someone is dependable.

Dependability doesn't just happen overnight. It takes a lot of commitment and hard work. Dependability is perhaps the most unnoticed attribute of all... because it's so hard to see. You need to be with a person for a long time before you realize that this person is dependable. And even when you discover they are dependable, you might not think highly of this quality..... Until some disaster happens and you realize just how much you really need a to have people who are dependable.

Maybe I’m just being too hard on this person. After all, he is young. But when I was young, I did not behave like him…so what’s the excuse? I realized that while age is a good measure of a persons level of maturity, it is by no means definitive. I’ve come across many examples of younger people behaving more maturely that older people.

But then when? When will you grow up? When will you learn that big brother and big sister isn’t going to be around forever to take care of things? When will you realize that one day, someone will be depending on you? And just in case you haven’t notice, there already are people depending on you, and you are still not living up to it.

Sigh….

The strange part of it all is, this person is considered by many younger than him to be ‘big brother’. Many people younger than him look up to him and respect him and consider him to be a role model. They see him as this ‘mature’ big brother that knows how to get things together. Sometimes, I applaud this. I feel it’s good for him to have someone that looks up to him. That way, he’d feel compelled to actually live up to those expectations.

And yet, I see things about him that he so painstakingly lacks in terms of maturity. He has yet to learn lessons on responsibility, proper time management and the simple but oh-so-critical attribute of being dependable…. especially for your loved ones.

Take my word for it… if you have ever loved someone in your life.. know this… the most comforting thing you can provide someone is the knowledge that they can count on you when it matters the most. In times of crisis, it is often the knowledge that we never need to stand alone that gives us the greatest strength. It is the knowledge that if we ever find ourselves is so much trouble that we can’t help ourselves, there is someone there who will help you. And even if that help is never ever called upon, the mere knowledge of it is power enough to see you through.

If you are something to someone; brother, father, mother, sister, friend, colleague, roommate, client, supplier, vendor, neighbour… whatever it is…. be someone dependable, someone who can be relied on. When you do, people will learn to trust you…. they will know it’s safe to entrust you with important things, things that matter to them. And somewhere along the line, someone will eventually entrust you with something that matters most to them – their heart. Because you would have just given that someone a very very good reason to love you.

Where there’s trust, love is never far behind.

Think about it.

So what is the mark of maturity?

I would have to say the presence of trust.

Blah.. Blah.. Blah...

I'm exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally.

Work is at its peak. Staying back is becoming a norm. Working on weekends is expected. I'm steadily leading towards a collision with someone from work. Arguments have been abound. Deadlines have been short. Clients have been extra shitty. I've been losing my temper. I've been growing fat. I've not been able to exercise regularly. Sex drive is at an all time low, and so is the sex. Expenses have been climbing. Income has been stagnant. Money hasn't been enough. Pressure has been mounting. Wedding is approaching. Honey moon has not been planned. Holidays have been canceled due to work. Laptop has been giving problems. Brother in law needs money from me. Father in law does things behind my back. Fiancee is needy and calls 3 times a day. Haven't spoken to own father for a month now since he's with his new girlfriend. Worried about brother whose now grossly obese but refuses to diet. Mother-in-law suspiciously made a huge withdrawal from the bank. Loaned fifteen thousand dollars to a friend. Not sure if we'll ever see that money again. Friends have been busy or away. Been struggling to make new friends. Been struggling with church. Been struggling with my faith. Just basically.... been struggling.

Ironically, only my mother has been exceedingly well. In the past, she was the biggest source of my worry and sorry.

I've been trying. Trying not to think so much. Not to dramatize things so much. Not to over think things. Life should be simple. Hearts should be whole. Not every incident that happens in life is supposed to have some sort of profound meaning. Sometimes, shit just happens. And shit pondered over too much just because philosophical crap... which I suspect I'm pretty good at.

I'm sorry. I don't have any words of inspiration for you. I don't have any profound words to say. I'm tired. I don't feel up to laughing and smiling and having a good time. I want to whine and vent.. and break stuff.. and be pissed off. I want to not have to hide my sour face. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to be righteous, or composed or sensible.

I don't want to be told what to do. What the solution is. What should be done. How to resolve things or how I should behave.

I miss being comforted. I miss being gently & lovingly touched. I miss having someone to whine to. Someone to listen as I talk about the annoying stuff about my day without me having to worry if I'm boring them. I miss being told I'm wonderful or awesome or great. I miss not having to be angry because someone else is angry on my behalf. I miss the feeling of being loved.

When Ideals Fail

I’ve been tossing and turning, but I can’t sleep.

Truth is, my heart is disturbed.

I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.

Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.

Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.

I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.

It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.

I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.

But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?

I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.

My ideals had been proven foolish after all.

How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.

I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.

See what I have become?

A Crappy Day

Free MP3 Downloads at MP3-Codes.com


I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm feeling like crap. And when I'm feeling like crap.. I like listening to songs like these.. to sort of sooth myself. Something about the deep, low tone of the celo combined with the piano gliding through the notes and the singer singing passionately yet in such a nonchalant kind of way... calms me down.

I'm know a lot of people think acting like you know how to enjoy jazz music is a bit highbrow. But I just like how it sounds, that's all. I don't really know a lot about jazz except that some (like this one) sounds oh-so-awesome... and some just like their making stuff up and trying to make it look deliberate.

Anyway... on this crappy Monday afternoon.. when everything seems to just seem that bit off key, I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk about who pissed me off. I don't want to talk about what's wrong. I just want to lie in bed, listen to my music, stare at my phone and pretend that through sheer willpower, the right person is going to call and ask me how I am.

And for a change, I'd like to be completely selfish in that conversation. I'd like for that person to be totally unconcerned about themselves and listen to what I have to say. For me to rant and vent for a change. I'd want to bitch on and on and on about the this idiot and that moron, this annoying thing and that stupid thing. And at the end of it all.. I'd just want that person to say "Hey.. it's OK, you're just having a bad day. Let me buy you dinner OK?" And I will smile and in my heart, it will already start feeling like perhaps the day wasn't totally crappy after all.

SIGH............

Me and my silly talk. I annoy even myself sometimes.

The Pride of Men

You. You and your talent.

How high you regard your won talents. How great you think your abilities. You dare not boast openly about them. But I see through your thin veil of humility. I see your arrogance. I see the smugness in your heart. You think you’re better than others. I know people like you. People like you think you don't need anybody. People like you don’t want anybody’s help. You're so confident you think by your own sheer strength and ability you will make it to the top. And at the top, you think the glory will be shared with none, but acknowledged by all. You downplay others people’s achievements and sing praises of your own. You think you deserve better. You think you deserve more.

But you have no empathy. You complain about having to clean up other peoples mess, You complain about having to make right what others have done wrong other people's screw ups. You insist people should pay for their mistakes. You proudly declare that no one will ever need to clear your mess for you. A person of your caliber will never need people to right their wrongs. How smug you are. How blind you are. You do not realize that no one has come after you for your own mistakes. You do not realize that others have helped you even without your knowledge.

I try to tell you to do it in the right spirit. I try to tell you that one day, YOU will need the help of others, to clean up the mess YOU made, to right the wrongs YOU did... and what that day come (for it WILL), you will not regret having done this favour for others today. When you do something with a giving heart, it is my belief that others will pay you in kind in the future. And yet your hardened heart refuses to yield. Your arrogance prevents you from realizing the truth….

But one day you will realize.

No one ever gets far in life riding on the back of their own abilities. We will all need some sort of help some along the way.

Keep on this road, and you will find backs turn to you the day you need help the most. Keep on this road, and you will find your path to glory a lonely and hostile one. Keep on this road, and you will encounter many others like you. And the lot of you will claw and tear at each other. Who will help you then? Who will you turn to then? You will fail. Because you will realize that everyone who has ever become anyone in life got there with the support of others. Those who reached the stars did so by standing on the feet of giants; giants who despite having the strength and ability to reach for the stars, chose not to grab it for themselves, but to shoulder and support ordinary folk like you and me to reach such heights.

Oh, but you’re no ordinary folk aren’t you? Of course not, you have talent. You have intelligence. You have caliber.

Here’s news for you. I think nothing of your talents. You may think they give you a certain standing. But in my books, they count for nothing. My respect for people has little to do with how much money they have, what job they do, how well they speak, or the kind of things you have achieved. A weak man boasts to make himself look stronger than he really is. If all you can boast about is your job, or how much you’ve achieved or how much you’ve endured. I’m afraid you have shown yourself to be a very small man indeed.

People of true caliber, people of true heart never bother telling the world what they have done.. They come, they get involve, and they make things better. They don’t complain and whine about the mistakes of others. They don’t go on and one about how things should have been instead. They don’t seek glory for themselves. They bring others up. They teach, they lead, they support, they nurture. People of calibre don’t whine about not receiving enough. They just give, give and keep on giving. Their reward is in the heartfelt appreciation by others, in the priceless value of friendship and in the pride that they have had a part to play in the rise of others. Their hearts are large, and have no fear of others eclipsing them.

Those are the people I respect. Not people with talent. But people with heart, and humility….

One day you will realize that the major value in life is not what you get, but what you become. One day you will realize that to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.

A person as arrogant as you will never truly understand humility. Like meekness and kindness, you think humility is an attribute of the weak. And yet those who are meek, kind and humble possess a quiet, unshakable, unconquerable strength that you will never understand.

"The humbleness of a warrior is not the humbleness of the beggar. The warrior lowers his head to no one, but at the same time, he doesn't permit anyone to lower his head to him. The beggar, on the other hand, falls to his knees at the drop of a hat and scrapes the floor to anyone he deems to be higher; but at the same time, he demands that someone lower than him scrape the floor for him. - Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda"

Which one are you?

No More Brooding...

OK, I'm done with brooding... for now at least.

I've been in a dark dark mood these few weeks, in some sort of self imposed deliberate mental / emotional exile from the world and everything around me. I know I've always been retract-into-a-shell kind of person anyway... but this time, it felt particularly deep..... because I somehow managed to go through the motions of daily life and at the same time feel completely isolated and unhappy. The reasons are many and varied... and I guess the timing was one of the worst... Christmas holidays, with all its cheer and jolliness just served to juxtapose the gloom inside my heart. And the more I saw happy and excited people around me, the more I was being reminded how I'm not one of them. I guess perhaps that's why I chose to spend the new year alone. I didn't want to be reminded by others, however unintentionally, of how unhappy I was during this time.

'Grieving' I call it.... It came to me when a friend of mine mentioned the word, and asked me what was the 5 stages of grieving.. which I forgot. In no particular order, here they are; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. When faced with a loss, everyone generally goes through this 5 stages, in no particular order, and in no particular duration. Some breeze through a few and get stuck indefinitely at some, others go back and forth between a few.... and I guess in a way, that's what I've been going through.... and looking into myself, I think I've been going back and forth between a few, getting stuck in a few more than the rest. And one stage I was stuck with was anger. All this angry post you've been reading, all this Facebook rantings you read... it was never really about the issue. I'm upset about it YES... my opinions and feelings about it were true YES, but the intensity... the intensity came from THIS; this angry state of mind and heart that I've been in due to my grief.

"What ARE you grieving about?" you may wonder. Well.... I thought I knew, then I wasn't sure. I was wondering how come there wasn't a 6th stage of Grief called 'utterly-confused-and-messed-up'..... But maybe that wasn't the grieving, that was just me being me. If I had to name some of the things I felt I loss, it would be..... lost of attention, companionship, affection and love. Not just in the receiving of these things.. but in the giving as well.

For a long long time now, I've been living my life by either giving attention, being a companion, listening to people.. and just showing love to the people around me. I take pride in the fact that I go out of my way, even at an inconvenience to myself for the people I care about, whether it's my fiancee, my friends, or my family. I will come if you need me. I will go if you want me to. I will do it, if it means a lot to you. If I care about someone, going out of my way for them is the only real and practically way I know how to show I care. Don't think I'm so noble and selfless. I'm not. Deep inside, a big part of me craves to be acknowledged and appreciated for all that I do for them. It's how I feel validated. It's how I gain my sense of self. But this desire to be validated.... is never voiced out. Because some funny part of me believes that they should come naturally and sincerely on it's own... without me needing to 'ask' for it.

So what am I grieving again? I'm grieving the fact that I don't have anybody to care about (in my immediate and reachable vicinity).. and there isn't anybody around to care about me. There's only so much friends can do for you... especially with the kind of friends I have. That's why you see me bitterly stating that I could die today and no one would notice, although I know that isn't entirely true. (My corpse will probably start stinking in 3 days anyway). A friend told me that I needed to get a life. I agree. Then I remembered that I had a life 3 months ago. But a big chunk of that life flew off on a plane to the other side of the world.. and has now been reduced to 3a.m. chats on Skype. I suddenly find myself having more time to myself than I know what to do with. I have more time for friends, but find that I have no companions. Companions to do simple things like having dinner, or buying something in the mall, or just someone to do nothing with, you know?

I think of rebuilding my life up again, I do.... but the thing with rebuilding something is, it can't be out of thin air....you still need something to build with!

Anyway... I won't try to tell you I'm perfectly fine now. I know I'm still lonely. I know I'm still sad.... and I think I will remain this way for quite some time.... until my heart gets used to being a lone ranger again. But at least.. I'm know not angry anymore. For a person like me, who deals with anger and rage with as much grace as a lumberjack does with figure skating, I'm glad it's over.

Pardon my French....

Pardon my french people......

I'm so f**king pissed off right now!

Something is f**king wrong when your typical day at work consist of reading, replying and responding to 100 emails PER DAY. That means that if I'm out of office for 2 days, I have 200 f**king emails to read, plus another 100 yet to receive on that day.

Then, your boss tells you to go lunch with him, sits there for 2 f**king hours and tells you you should so f**king work through the entire weekend on some things he wants done because they are so f**king important, and we're all f**king screwed if we don't have it ready by Monday. Then, your colleague who's f**king twice your age, draws twice your f**king salary, but has half your brain power comes bugging you for the tenth f**king time on how to scan a f**king paper document to email. Doesn't help that even standing 3 feet away, I can still smell his f**king bad breath and I have to ask him to repeat his sentence 3 f**king times because I can't f**king understand his f**king accent.

You then realize it's 6.30p.m., it's almost time go home, and you haven't even done a single f**king thing you were supposed to because you were too caught up listening to your f**king boss and helping your f**king colleague. You then get even more pissed off because you just f**king know that 20 additional emails on top of the 100 will be coming in the morning over the emails you were supposed to reply today but didn't. You then think, perhaps you need to continue your work at home after dinner which just makes you scream "F**K!! I didn't sign up for this!" You then think about how the Christmas holidays have long come and gone, and the boss is still sitting on your f**king bonus, which you were so f**king depending on to get you through the f**king holiday spending which left you so f**king broke. And you think "Aaarrghhh! Forget it, I don't want your f**king bonus anymore. The Beatles sang that all you need is love anyway." Then you f**king realize you aren't getting any f**king love anyway, and even if you do, love doesn't f**king pay the bills. F**K!!

You then realize you are again the last f**king person still having his sorry ass in office.  You wonder why the hell you are busting your ass working like this... and realize it's because you don't have any f**king thing better to do, because you don't have a f**king LIFE. THAT'S WHY. You then think maybe you should just forget everything and everyone, sell everything you own (which you realize isn't worth much at all), buy a ticket to China, find a nice and simple village girl to marry, and spend the rest of your life planting potatoes. Yes, POTATOES. Along the way, you also wonder why the f**k didn't you do a bit more crazy and stupid things when you were a teenager, because at least then, you could come up with good excuses; you were messed up, you were confused, or you were just so f**king stupid.... anything goes man.

You then remember that in many cases, people still remain stupid anyway, regardless of age. Age seemed to have very little to do with your ability to contract this disease of stupidity. Case in point would be your idiotic colleague who bugged you earlier. A smile then comes across your face. "I don't NEED a f**king excuse to behave stupid! Look at HIM! He's stupid ALL THE TIME, and even he got a job!! Hahahaha....." you tell yourself as the lightbulb goes off in your head. So you then decide "I ain't doing any f**king work tonight. I'm packing up, and I'm going to go jogging in the park. You had your shoes and your shorts ready in the car since morning anyway.

And after a round of cursing to yourself, you leave office, feeling that bit better than before. It's a miracle what learning a bit of french can do for your moods.