To Lend or Not To Lend

To lend or not to lend? That is the question.

Sex And Money.

Perhaps our two biggest driving forces in life. Coincidentally also the two least openly discussed topics among people.

I’m not in a mood to talk about sex today, because the other one is more on my mind.

It’s on my mind because my need for it has grown exponentially over a very short time. It’s on my mind because I’ve been running short of it recently. It’s on my mind because others have been running short of it, and have been asking me for it.

I received distressing news last night about a couple we know quite well. Apparently they are short on money (due to some reasons I will not bother to write) and need very urgent assistance, preferable within the next 2 days.

“How? What do we do? Can we loan them the money?” my other half asked me just as I was about to fall asleep.

I kept silent. Truth be told, I didn’t know what to do.

So many thoughts ran through my head. I was exhausted and had a 4 hour drive to make 5am in the morning I refused to answer.

The next day, in the middle of my work day she text me.

“They want an answer desperately. Tell me what should I do or say?”

I thought hard about it again. I replied.

“Please explain that we are hard pressed too. We’re making a down payment on the house, we’ve got 4 mouths to feed, house expenses and bills, a business to run, many debts owed to us from others and ZERO savings… how much can we help?..... BUT… by God’s grace, we WILL help whatever way we can k. We’ll discuss how much we can give tonight.”

And that was that.

We’ve financially helped 4 to 5 other people within the last one year.

My own brother did not have enough money for a down payment on his car. His old car was falling apart and he needed to change. We lend him the money out of love. He hasn’t been able to repay us yet. Another friend of a friend apparently was next to being evicted by their landlord and needed cash quick. We trusted our friend and loaned the money. After many false promises, the money is nowhere in sight. Three other people owe us money for different reasons, but the point is, we haven’t received our money.

And here there came another person asking for help.

The couple that needed the money were easily twice our age. But they were not doing very well financially, to the point of almost being declared bankrupt. But they were good people. They were the Godparents of my other half’s younger brother. Ten years ago, when it was him that needed help, this couple was there to help. They gave him shelter, they gave him love. Today the tables have changed, and I felt it was only right to help them. How could we NOT help?

Yet, how do we help when even on our own, we are just getting by?

Rent to pay, bills to pay, car to maintain, a new house mortgage, and four jobless people I am single handed-ly supporting. As good as my pay is, it’s still not enough. And as icing to the cake, people are asking for our help with money.

What am I, a bank?

Sigh.

My first instincts are to say “Sorry, can’t help you.” It’d be SO easy to say that. And no one could ever blame us for saying it.

Yet….. yet…..

I know in my heart that I could never turn down a person who was genuinely in need. Because once upon a time, I was a person genuinely in need. And in those times, I was selflessly helped by other people. That debt weights heavily on me. Not just towards the people, but to God almighty himself. It’s hard to ignore grace when you’ve been such a big beneficiary of it. And because of that, even if it means being stupid, being foolish or being naïve, I know we will eventually help them.

Will we suffer? Will it hurt us financially by helping them? Probably.

Will we be duly repaid the money or the deed, I honestly don’t know. I hope so.

Doing this – lending money again – sounds noble and you may think I’m trying to earn ‘brownie points’ for being a good guy. Trust me, I’m not. In fact, I feel really really stupid for agreeing to it.

But I know it’s the RIGHT thing to do,

Because it’s the LOVING thing to do.

Matthew 25:45


Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’.

When You Were Gone

So, how did it feel when in the time I was gone?

Well.. to be frank, the front part was actually quite exciting. I mean.. it’s been a long time since I had only myself to care about, and suddenly I’m have all this freedom to do whatever, wherever, whenever and with whoever. For a good few week I was up and about doing everything, meeting everyone.

Then… the loneliness started to set in. After I had run out of things I wanted to do, I found myself feeling a bit lost. There was no one to go home to. There are only so many times you dared bug your friends in a week. And I started to realize how… well…. Lonely… it felt being all by yourself. I thought back to the last time I was single.. over 8 years ago; how did I manage being so busy, happy and fulfilled all by myself?

I realized that if I was going to survive the next year, I had to re-learn how to be by myself again. I started doing the things I used to enjoy doing when I was by myself – I picked up the guitar a lot more, I started writing more, meeting up with friends, reading. And in a way it helped. It helped me remember how I was like before…

And then?

And after a good few months of doing it.. I guess eventually got into the groove of surviving on my own again. I hardly stayed home, I was always out with people.. and whenever I was free, I headed to Starbucks instead of home….. I guess I knew being at home would just make me feel more depressed. While I missed you terribly, I had to find a way to get by without you without feeling totally miserable.

I longed and missed the constant companionship, the laughs, the emotional intimacy, the comfort of having someone physically there beside you… but I also started to enjoy the freedom, the flexibility, and the care free nature of being just by myself.

So in other words, you got on just fine without me?

Well.. I don’t mean it in THAT way. I managed to cope, yes. But being alone also made me more aware than ever about what how it is like being with someone. I was always aware of the fact that I was alone… and while I did learn the joys of singlehood all over again, I also was sorely missing the joys of being a couple .... and after knowing both, I actually knew with greater certainly, which one I wanted for myself…

And which one is that??

Singlehood of course!

WHAT?

……… Just kidding dear. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

A confession

I’m a serious person. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.

Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.

A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.

(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)

There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.

I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.

I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.

Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.

Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….

Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.

Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.

God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.

An admission;

A confession;

I’m lonely.

I’m shattered.

I’m depressed.

Blah.. Blah.. Blah...

I'm exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally.

Work is at its peak. Staying back is becoming a norm. Working on weekends is expected. I'm steadily leading towards a collision with someone from work. Arguments have been abound. Deadlines have been short. Clients have been extra shitty. I've been losing my temper. I've been growing fat. I've not been able to exercise regularly. Sex drive is at an all time low, and so is the sex. Expenses have been climbing. Income has been stagnant. Money hasn't been enough. Pressure has been mounting. Wedding is approaching. Honey moon has not been planned. Holidays have been canceled due to work. Laptop has been giving problems. Brother in law needs money from me. Father in law does things behind my back. Fiancee is needy and calls 3 times a day. Haven't spoken to own father for a month now since he's with his new girlfriend. Worried about brother whose now grossly obese but refuses to diet. Mother-in-law suspiciously made a huge withdrawal from the bank. Loaned fifteen thousand dollars to a friend. Not sure if we'll ever see that money again. Friends have been busy or away. Been struggling to make new friends. Been struggling with church. Been struggling with my faith. Just basically.... been struggling.

Ironically, only my mother has been exceedingly well. In the past, she was the biggest source of my worry and sorry.

I've been trying. Trying not to think so much. Not to dramatize things so much. Not to over think things. Life should be simple. Hearts should be whole. Not every incident that happens in life is supposed to have some sort of profound meaning. Sometimes, shit just happens. And shit pondered over too much just because philosophical crap... which I suspect I'm pretty good at.

I'm sorry. I don't have any words of inspiration for you. I don't have any profound words to say. I'm tired. I don't feel up to laughing and smiling and having a good time. I want to whine and vent.. and break stuff.. and be pissed off. I want to not have to hide my sour face. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to be righteous, or composed or sensible.

I don't want to be told what to do. What the solution is. What should be done. How to resolve things or how I should behave.

I miss being comforted. I miss being gently & lovingly touched. I miss having someone to whine to. Someone to listen as I talk about the annoying stuff about my day without me having to worry if I'm boring them. I miss being told I'm wonderful or awesome or great. I miss not having to be angry because someone else is angry on my behalf. I miss the feeling of being loved.

Some things I miss...

You asked what I miss most in your absence. Here they some of it:

- Lazing on Sunday mornings snuggling in bed.
- Chasing each other around the house.
- Eating noodles watching Sponge Bob Square Pants
- Playing the guitar listening to you sing.
- Watching movies together on my laptop.
- Smiling at you parading your new cloths.
- You forcing me to parade my new cloths (which you bought)
- Making funny faces at you
- Morning dim sum in oldtown.
- Hearing you say “That’s because you love me” when I say you’re beautiful.
- Saying “That’s because you love me” when you say I’m wonderful.
- Asking you where I put my things.
- Knowing you always know the answer.
- Asking you to pick what I wear for me.
- Smiling at you animating your conversations / stories.
- Imitating your animations.
- Wrestling in bed where I always win, but you always cheat.
- Eating your soy sauce chicken, Sheppard’s pie & fried wanton. Yummy!
- Driving down to Berkeley to eat in our special place.
- Walking around like a zombie as you shop for groceries.
- Pulling you away everything we pass a lingerie shop having a sale.
- Running my hand through your hair & tapping you nose.
- Listening you complain for the thousandth time about your thighs.
- Complain for the thousandth time to you about my tummy.
- Receiving a kiss & hug when I come back.

In short, having you to come home to. Come home safe to me ok darling. I miss you.

And Yes, I think you look pretty in that dress. No I'm not saying just because I love you. ;-)

I've been living in a strange place....

I've been living in a strange place of late.

Where I live,

there is no sight.

There is no smell.

There is only sound.

and soul.

To get there to where I live;

close your eyes,

quiet your mind,

and listen.

Hear the piano gently playing;

hear the guitar smoothly leading in;

hear the sultry voice sing every line, every word.

Sit yourself right next to that voice.

Imagine you are right there.

For a few minutes,

forget your worries,

forget your troubles;

just listen.

Don't think... don't worry.

Just feel.

Feel the passion,

feel the heartbreak,

feel the euphoria,

feel the pain.

Feel the music,

feel it's soul.

Like how every human has a heart,

every song has it's soul.

This is where I have been living.

This is where I have been seeking my solace.

Not in people,

not in things,

In music.

When Only Your Telco Talks to You...

I allowed my mind drift away as I drove along the highway. I used to enjoy these times spent alone in the car driving from place to place. It was my little alone time. But I don't enjoy them half as much as I used to anymore. I always knew I enjoyed solitude, but not THIS much.

I had now gotten into the habit of compulsively checking my phone if there were any missed calls or messages. I always knew there were none, nor did I really expect there to be any anytime soon. It kind of made me feel stupid all over again. But one can always hope.

Suddenly, the phone beeps.... "New Message (1) " the screen reads. Who is it? Who could it be? What do they want? Maybe it's someone asking me out for a drink? Is it my boss asking me to come to work? I get filled with excitement. Someone's looking for me! I stare at it a while before opening the message.

It read:
"DiGi : Enjoy 20% discount with every purchase of RM100 and above at...... "

DAMN..... I'm receiving more messages from my telco than actual people.

I chuck the phone aside and continue driving, feeling disappointed.

"You're such an idiot Johnny boy, you know that? Such an idiot." I say to myself over the radio. I knew I was lonely... but jeeeez, this was taking it to a whole different level. I started laughing out loud to myself. A kind of half annoyed half silly kind of laugh. Not that it was funny or anything.... just pathetic.

God... I don't want anything. I just want a hug

I brought my mother to church last Sunday morning. Church on Sunday mornings seem to have become our little 'together' time for my mother and I, whenever I do manage to wake up to go that is... or whenever I'm not sleeping. My mother's quite clingy to me. If you ever see me with outside eyes, as we walk down the street to the church entrance, you will see this big overgrown young chap with a belly way too big, and eyes way too small.. and next to him, this petite, slightly limping, short woman clinging on to the guys' arm with a lot of involuntary facial movements on her face.

It was the first Sunday of the year.. and service was a bit longer than usual and for some reason, the worship team decided to sing all sorts of variations the song Amazing Grace. I love Amazing Grace... it touches me deeply every time I listen to it. I turned to my mother and casually told her "Ma, when I die, I want this song to be one of the songs played on my eulogy....." She looked at me and reached out her hand.. and clasped her palms against mine and kept silent for a while. "Don't think about death Hann.... You're still young, and you have a full life to live." she said to me... and kept silent. I looked back at her and kept silent as well. I wasn't sure if I had just touched a raw nerve with her, talking about me dying. My father once told me that it is every parents worst nightmare to outlive their children.. and to have to watch their children die before the. I just continued holding her hand, this time pulling it so that I was clasping it with both my hands. I tried thinking about how many people would actually be affected if I just dropped dead one day. I don't think there were that many, but they were significant to me. I heard a phrase once that said "Do not pity the dead. Pity the living.. and those who live without love. If I died today, who would be there to take care of them? And that song written by Garth Brooks and re-sang by Ronan Keating "Is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?" People always think funerals are for the deceased. But its actually for the living.. and those left behind to struggle on in life.. before finally passing on too.

After a few moments, I tossed the thoughts away. Spending your Sunday mornings thinking but your death was a bit too morbid, even for my standards.

I have a thing for the sound of pianos. I'm enchanted every single time I find myself standing before a pianist belting out song after song passionately, as if the essence of the song is literally flowing out of the tip of their fingers. A few weeks earlier, walking alone in the mall, there was a lady playing Christmas carols on the piano. I smile and nod at her, and stood there for a good 25 minutes just watching her playing song after song with so much enthusiasm and so much heart... it just entranced me. And I only left because I didn't want to freak the poor lady out fearing I might be some sort of crazy stalker.

And that Sunday morning, as the Pastor asked everyone to rise, bow our heads, close our eyes and join in prayer... the pianist worked his melodious magic. And I know I was really supposed to be focusing on God, and praying for the sick, and the poor and the needy and what have you.... but I was emotionally overwhelmed, as I had been for the past week anyway. And all I could think of in the still and quiet of that prayerful moment was "God............ I don't want anything. I just want a hug." It was at that moment that I realized just how starved of affection I really was. My heart felt like it was achiong, for want of a hug. I wanted a hug. I needed a hug.

Growing up mostly with my relatives, and also with my step mother and father, we were never really very touchy people. My father used to hug us and lift us up onto his shoulders when we were kids. But I guess most of it stopped after we grew up. I never started being touchy and 'huggy' until I actually started being in a relationship. And once I started...I guess I never stopped, as if trying to make up for the first 17 years of lack of hugs and physical affection. I hugged and I kissed my partner.... every damn day without fail, unless she was pissed at me and threatened to bite my arm if I came anywhere near her.

I reached out, and held my mother by the shoulder, as we walked away from church.. and I gave her a brief, sideways hug, and she held my arm close to her body. She was never this touchy or warm when I was growing up. Maybe it was because of the depression and schizophrenia that made it impossible in the past. Back then, if she wasn't lying around sleeping the whole day, she was up, going on and on in the most paranoid manner about my father and his alleged affairs. But these days, the gives out hugs and kissed to us, as often as the opportunity arises... which makes me really glad. We drove off and went home.

That night, as we were about to part ways, she again, extended her arms wide open, and I hugged her tightly.. and she gave me a kiss on my cheek.. again someting she never did when I was young. And I was just thinking.. perhaps I wasn't the only one trying to make up for loss time when it came to hugs and kisses. I drove in silence... and asked myself of all days, of all times, why did I suddenly have this strong desire or need to be hugged. Why now? Why today?

Maybe it's because deep down... I'm still feeling lonely... and longing so badly for some sort of affection. I'm still trying to come to terms... trying to get grips on the fact that I could leave office at 6.30pm or 9.30pm.. and it doesn't really make a difference, because no one's waiting for me. I could decide to take a 2 hour drive down to Melaka and have chicken rice ball and Satay celup, stay the night there, travel further south to Singapore and make my slow way home through the trunk roads and be home 2 days later... and no one would really mind or care in any way. No one really cares. I am alone. And it's hard to admit.

I think my pride has somehow not allowed me to admit that I'm lonely. Not to myself, and certainly not to the people around me. A friend ask me point blank, as 6~7 of us were out having dinner together "How? Are you lonely?". And I stared blankly at him. It was the last question I was prepared to answer. "Welll...okaaaaay la.. I mean... It's alright. I'm managing. It's not like I'm going to die." I managed a weak smile before burying my head, looking down at the food I was eating. And in my heart, I just wonder "Why do people even bother asking such silly questions anyway? OF COURSE I FEEL LONELY YOU IDIOT, DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK? Do you expect me to have some sort of emo episode right there and then? I love my friends to bits.. but they sure can be such a bunch of insensitive idiots at times.

School has been out for me for a good few years now. But I guess when it comes to the subject of love, and life..... and everything in between, class is never out. There is always something to learn, or re-learn. And for me this year, I either have to learn how to get more hugs without actually having to ask for one.... or I just need to finally learn how to be by myself without feeling like half a person.

Shopping for the Wrong things at the Wrong Place

I walked around The Gardens at Midvalley yesterday.. on the first day of the new year.

"I'm window shopping..:" I replied to someone on text. I hardly ever window shop, unless I was buying windows. I was looking for something alright... but it wasn't anything I could buy off the stores, unless you know of a store that has Solitude on sale, and maybe a pharmacy that has a cure for Loneliness and Heartache. Where's the Sunday promoters giving out free samples of Love and Sacrifice and Contentment, Joy or Happiness in the supermarket?

The closest I've found in stores that do give you a boost in spirits is Kopi-O-Extra-Kau with lots and lots of caffeine in it.

Truth was... I've just been needing a lot of time alone. Maintaining a smile and cheerful face is quite an exhausting task when your heart just isn't there. I did exactly as had planned yesterday. I had dinner with my friends. I brought food, we toasted to the new year, we spoke and laugh about old times in college, we looked at old vacation and university days pictures together on the big screen and we planned when we would all meet up next. All find and dandy. Except that every other time I was alone, I could feel the muscles in my face weaken and the act of smiling started to become an act of will power rather than a natural reaction. I needed to get out of there before my lack of spirit started to become too obvious to everyone. I left and headed for the park... there was a hill, and a pond right next to each other.. Both of which I was equally fond of. I sat on the grass, and ushered in the new year in silent contemplation.

I woke up today, and after an impromptu lunch with someone, I continued my walk through the mall.. just visiting shops, looking at people and busying myself with my own thoughts..... You'd think that when someone is just dedicating his mind to purely thinking, he / she will be able to suddenly come up with some sort of amazing insight into life and all it's ups and downs. But not so with me. I had no brilliant flash of inspiration. I was just peering into the stores and wondering how anyone ever affords walking into a store that sells a luggage bag for five thousand dollars per bag. Everything from blouses, jeans, watches and shoes all cost easily a thousand bucks more.. even if they didn't look a thousand bucks more.

WHY do people buy these things anyway? Does having more money, and having more expensive stuff really make us happier off? Cuz really... I earn more money now than I ever did as a kid.. so how come I'm more miserable now than I was before?  Sometimes, I do fall into that trap of chasing money. I imagine myself having so much money, I would travel anywhere and everywhere my hearts desire.. with the persons that mean most to me. I would never have to work another day. I would just focus my life on seeing all the beauty and wonder of this earth, getting to know the people I love most, and just living and experience life. Instead of slogging around in office, making someone else richer...

For the thousandth time, I thought to myself  "Money is a good servant...... but a poor master." Money helps cure a lot of the miseries in life. You never worry about medical bills. You don't think twice about bringing your special someone to some place nice to eat. You can buy the things you want for your loved ones without hesitation. But, you don't need money to be happy.. Or rather, having money doesn't make you happy. And in my life... the best moments I've ever had, the happiest times I had, came at little or no cost at all. Simple joys like having someones company, or sharing a laugh, or spending time together, a tender and intimate moment......And they make your heart leap like nothing else in the world. These things don't cost a thing. This is what people mean.. when they say the best things in life are free.

But these so called 'free' things... you can't buy them with money.. Not for a million bucks. You can't buy someones affection. You can't buy someone's time. You can't buy their heart. And if money can't buy you any of these things, that what's the point of money beyond keeping you alive? They might not cost you a cent to receive these simple pleasures of life... but if you really know how hard and how rarely these moments every come, you'll know how precious and invaluable they really are. And why generations of people have been so reluctant to to a price tag on things life Love and Happiness.

The posters and advertisements around the mall show people being happy and contented, smiling while wearing expensive cloths and expensive cameras. They tell you you need a five thousand dollar camera if you truly want to capture and preserve those fleeting moments in your life. They conveniently forget to tell you that the best piece of equipment you have to capture a moment is your mind, using all your senses, and the best place to store those beautiful memories... is in your heart, which they will also never tell you, has infinite capacity.

Sigh....

After a few hours of mindless walking.. I headed home. I think I was looking for the wrong things at the wrong places. Plus there was plenty of coffee at home.

I hate feeling needy...

It's funny how things can change over the course of just one month.

One month ago I felt strong. I felt capable. I felt like come what may, I'm able to weather the storm. "Why worry so much, you've been through worse my boy. This should be chicken feed for you. Being alone is no big deal. The entire population of single people live life alone, so stop being such a baby. You spent the first 17 years of your life alone ANYWAY." I told myself.

Today, I woke up feeling silly and stupid and deflated.I felt like just lying in bed the entire day. Just lay there. Don't answer any calls. Don't check any mails. Don't talk to anyone. Just wallow in my sense of numbness. Maybe they were right. Maybe I'm NOT fine. Maybe I do need to mourn or whatever and get over it so that I can stop feeling this way.

But what the hell am I supposed to do anyway? Grab the next person willing to listen and cry my heart out? No way dude. 4 shots of whiskey and a jug of beer later maybe, but not while I still have my head screwed on my shoulders.

I think I've been trying to put on a brave face. I've been going out with people, listening to their problems, empathizing, sharing.. you know, that sort of shit. You'll be surprised how much I have immersed myself in the worries and cares of others... even people I've only come to know recently. But I've also gone through great lengths to conceal the raw emotions still very much present in my heart. I thought by focusing my mind and my heart of others, I won't have to face what I feel inside. But It's hard to lie to yourself. It's hard to play pretend with your own heart.

I think I've pretty much covered in my previous post about being lonely. But the thing that scared the shit out of me this morning was that I just realized..... how needy and vulnerable I really am in my current state. I know it's quite an 'un-manly' thing to be saying (or experiencing). 'Needy' and 'vulnerable' are after all feelings often associated with women (no offense k). But if a woman is allowed to admit that she's horny these days, isn't a man allowed to admit that he is needy?

I searched and searched my heart late into the night yesterday, and when I woke up, I felt like I had some semblance of an answer of what I'm feeling of late. And it was that I am emotionally in a needy and vulnerable state. It's like I'm reaching out trying to grab at something... anything.... just something to cling on to. Just to feel like I have my back against something again.. just to feel like I'm not half a human being,

I don't like the way I am right now. I don't like feeling so needy and vulnerable. I don't like finding myself craving for affection from just anyone at all. That's why I did not want to wake up this morning. I did not want to have to talk to people and find myself longing to be cared for by them. Cared for in more than the usual way, you know what I mean? Half the time, I'm confused if I'm craving for affection from specific people, or just for some affection. PERIOD. I feel......................weak.

It's my heart playing tricks on me again.

Loneliness...

 You see a funny clip. It's hilarious. You burst out laughing. The joke really cracks you up. You turn you side, and realize there's no one to tell. You just had a fight. It hurts. Tears roll down your cheeks, Your heart feels like it's been stabbed with a thousand needles. You turn to your side, and you realize, there's no one to listen.

Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.

David Pratt

Loneliness.... We've all been there at some point in our life I guess. If you've never been lonely in your life, good for you. You've save yourself some pretty gut wrenching emotions. But it also means... something is wrong with you. Seriously, go see a doctor, and get your heart checked (if it's even there). If you haven't experienced loneliness, it either means you're so completely self sufficient you are incapable of emotions, thus deeming you dysfunctional, or you are actually a cyborg from the future trying kill the one man that is the only hope of survival for all mankind (Terminator anyone?).....

Loneliness.... It makes you feel hollow. You go through the motions of life; brush you teeth, eat you food, do your chores, get your work done, pick your nose, you cry at movies, you laugh at jokes, you get pissed off at noisy hawkers who live downstairs of you and can't seem to shut up 7a.m in the morning when you're trying to sleep. But something is missing inside. Something that you just know, if was there, would make brushing your teeth, eating your food, picking your nose and feeling pissed off 7a.m in the morning that bit more meaningful.....as silly as that sounds. And that something is called companionship. When you feel companionship in your life, nothing feels too big, too small or too trivial a matter to share, and sharing makes us feel... ALIVE. That's why people who are lonely walk around like they were part zombie... they're not dead.. but they don't feel quite alive.


Loneliness.... Makes you feel detached from the world. You could talk to hundreds of people, you could be surrounded by them all day.... and still feel completely alone. Yes, you aren't sulking, or crying, or wrapping yourself in the corner crying your heart out. Your heart doesn't sit in your chest feeling like a sea in turbulent storms. Nothing like that at all. What DOES it  feel like then? I'll tell you...it feels like a lone, deserted and barren wasteland. A eerie and quiet silence envelopes it... and that's the only thing you really hear. Silence. And maybe your voice when it says "I'm alone." But you don't say it, because there's no one there to listen anyway.

Loneliness.... Makes you yearn. Nobody wants to be lonely. Given a choice, no one would choose to feel lonely. They'd choose to be ALONE yes, but never to be lonely. It's much like happiness. What if someone came up to you and say "I don't want to be happy. I want to be miserable and sad." What would be the right answer to something like that? Simple..."Go ahead, be miserable and sad then. If it makes you happy!" It's a universal desire. Similarly, no one WANTS to be lonely. And so you yearn for this feelings of loneliness to go away. How do you get rid of loneliness? By finding companionship. You look for someone to talk to. You look for someone to listen to. You look for someone to just sit there by your side. You look for connection. You look for company. But the real underlying thing is, you look for something that spurs your heart, and make you feel a bit more alive.

Loneliness.... makes you vulnerable. Very vulnerable. You feel like you have nothing to depend on. You feel like if something happened, there was no one to turn to. You feel like you're one leg short. It makes you feel needy. And when you feel needy... you feel vulnerable. And when you feel vulnerable, you feel... scared. Which is bad, because how many people want to be around a needy, vulnerable and frightened person? But in your loneliness, you are constantly trying to reach out to people, more so than you normally would. You reach out for connection and a sense of belonging. You want to feel like you belong again. You don't want to feel like an island. But you are fearful because it seems like it's only you who wants this connection. It's only you who's so eager to establish that link. You want to feel a sense of belonging with them, but it stops there. They want no sense of belonging with you.

I'm sorry... I think I've been misleading you. Because in all of the above... as I talked and talked about how loneliness makes 'you' feel, what it does to 'you'... I was really talking about 'me'.

Good night dear world....

Yes, I'm fine. But where's the toothpaste?

You know, I didn't think it was going to be THAT obvious.

I mean, I knew I was bound to be sad and all after she left, but I didn't expect people to be able to tell just by speaking to me! If there is one thing I've always thought of myself, is that I'm not that easy to read, emotion wise. I'm not the type to carry my heart on my shoulders. If I'm upset, I don't necessarily vent it to anyone and everyone. If I'm sad, I don't go around crying my heart out to anyone who listens. Exception here I think is when I'm happy. When I'm happy, it's hard to hide.

"You OK or not? You don't sound to good leh..." a friend from work said to me.

"Me, I'm fine la. Friday mah. No mood to work already. This client's a read pain in the ass... Potong steam la. I just wanna go home and start my weekend." I said.

"Sure or not? Hmmm. I think I know the REAL reason... Hehehe..." this person tells me.

"Oh? Really? And what would THAT be?" I asked as my ears perked up.

"Girlfriend not around already mah...... right onot?"

"WHAAAAT?! Geez.. I think you know too much about me already la. Dangerous man. Why, so obvious meh?" I ask. This was kinda the last person I would expect to be making this sort of deduction. Someone I deal with from WORK!

I usually don't consider the people I meet or work with in my office settings to be my 'friends' per se. They are your colleagues, your suppliers, your clients, your partners. You go out for lunch, you joke, you share stories, you get work done. But they aren't really your friends. But occasionally, a few end up becoming genuine friends. I considered this person on of those.

"YA! It's the tone of your voice la.. A bit down. Why, miss her ar?"..........

".................................." that's me being speechless. "............ something like that la. It's just taking a bit of getting used to that's all. Anyway......" I changed to subject.


Why have quite a considerable number of people come up to me and tell me this? My boss is going around telling everybody I'm not 'SINGLE and LONELY'.... Aaaaargh. I'd poke his eyes out, sew his mouth and break his fingers if not for the fact that he signs my cheques. hehehe. But on second thought, when I thought more about it.. yes, I AM SINGLE.. never mind lonely for the time being. *hands clasp together*  Hehehehehe...

"So now you're a lonely man now la. Drowning in sorrow. Miss here miss there la........" my boss jested to me over the phone.

"No la sir. Where got time. So busy doing your work for you!" I reply.

"I KNOW. And I plan to give you EVEN MORE, to help you overcome your sorrow!" he answers bursting out in laughter.

I laugh back, not quite sure if more work is really the right remedy.

For the record, I'm fine people. At least for now. I've huddled up and cried in the dark corner of the room a grand total of zero times. I have been busy with work and family. I did worry about what I'd do on my first weekend without her. But the weekend got filled up even before she left. The time I'm spending now typing this out is just about the only free time I have for the next 2 days. Maybe later I'll start to feel it. I'm predicting around Christmas time. But for now, I'm alright. it's not like she died or something (choy, touch wood). She's just far away. And in this day and age, the world is a much smaller place. I mean, I just had an hour long conversation with her over skpe yesterday, and it was free. 2 days ago, we just had a video chat. So you can't really say I'm suddenly missing her in my life.

My only problem is, I'm running out of tooth paste. and I'm not sure where she keeps the spare tube.

Cheers, and have a good weekend people.

Filling the void... with ciku and what have you

Someone asked me how I'm feeling. I said it felt like there's suddenly a vacuum in my life.... I know I'll do just fine, given time. But in the mean time, that void is still there, ever present.. as oxymoron as that sounds. A void that is ever present....

I had expected much earlier that sending her off would be a family affair.  I had spent a good part of the week with her entertaining all sorts of friends who suddenly wanted to say their farewells now that she was going away. "Pfftt... we're been around the ENTIRE YEAR with not so much as a hello from some of these people and suddenly they are going to 'miss you so much'? Sometimes I really doubt the sincerity of these people. Her last night was also spent with family and some of our closest friends... one of which drove all the way down from Klang late in the night straight from office just so that he'd not miss saying goodbye.

But to send her off at the airport, it was only me. She wanted it that way. Brother, father, friends, everyone had to say their goodbyes at home or somewhere else. "I want ONLY YOU to send me off all the way." she said. I willingly obliged. I took the entire day off and avoided all calls that day. Part of me was glad, because in a way this would be my only moments alone with her. The rest of the week was taken up by everyone else. Another part of me, somewhat dreaded being the only one to send her off, because it'd mean that I'd have to take the lonely drive back home.

I had said all I needed to say, even before we left for the airport. I had revealed my inner most sadness and insecurities to her before we left the house, by shedding a few speechless tears (which was more taxing on me than I had expected). Not that I felt like I couldn't live without her, not that I didn't want her to go. I just needed to express to her that though it was everyone else who seems to be kicking a fuss over her leaving, though it seems as if everyone else was the one saying how much they were going to miss her, in truth, it was ME that would miss her most. It was ME that will be most affect by her absence. Not them. By the time we got to the airport, and that very last moment of separation became reality, there was no need for anything else other than "See you. I love you. Take good care of yourself. Call me when you land."

I watched from above as she went down the escalator with her colleagues, bravely taking the first few steps into a new and unknown land and life before her. A sense of pride engulfed me. Yes, I felt sad that she was leaving. But I felt so proud of her too. And despite looking haggard and tired, a small smile broke through my face. I took one last glance, and walked away.

A slow and solemn walk back to the car. I better get used to this quick; this being alone thing. This not having someone to talk to thing. As I drove back home. I couldn't bare the silence in the car so I turned on the radio. But there was a different song playing in my head. the chorus of Obla-di obla-da by the Beatles....... Life goes on. Despite feeling blue... despite feeling like the point of focus of my life and energy is suddenly missing, I still had my life to live. A big chuck of what made up my world was now totally suspended in mid air... but other parts of my life still had to go on. A car to fix. Calls to make. Appointments to keep. Friends to see. Family to care for.

How do I feel now? Truthfully..... I feel so alone. There is this part of the day where I usually offload and share whatever is on my mind with her. It could be over the phone, via text, or over dinner. But she always was there to listen to what I had to say vice versa.......

I just drove 10 hours back and forth today just to attend a 2 hour meeting. I just saw the most beautiful sunset off the coast of Terengganu. I ate a steaming hot pieces of semi-raw 'keropok lekor' for the first time in my life today and didn't throw up. I bought a kilo of ciku fruits today for only RM5, I observed that kampung folk are so much friendlier and relaxed. A cat stole my drumstick bone while I dozed off on the table during lunch. I ate a Temerloh signature dish called Ikan Patin Masak Tempoyak (which has durian in it) for the first time, and I'm pretty sure I broke some personal record for most precarious / dangerous text messages ever sent; one hand typing out text messages, the other hand steadying a car travelling at 140kmph down the highway.

No, I don't want to post it over facebook, no I don't want to start a twitter account. No, I don't want to share it with just anyone who's willing to listen. I want to share it with someone. Some person, in a real and personal way. Someone who would listen and respond "Gosh, really semi raw? What do you mean semi-raw?" or "Yucks, I hate ciku. You couldn't pay me RM5 to eat it" or " Yeah, I hate them cats too. Why did you doze off?"

Hell ya I'm feeling lonely... what do you expect? I bought a freaking kilo of ciku.... and I've got to eat it all on my own.