Weddings Don't Matter

Wedding are such beautiful events. To witness two people declaring lifelong commitment to one another in the presence of friends, family, society and God almighty… it’s quite a special experience.

Wedding Industry

But something isn’t quite right with the way we are getting married these days. Did you know that there’s this entire wedding ‘industry’… and it consist of hotels, bridal galleries, wedding photographers, videographers, specialist wedding cake bakers, florist, make-up artist, card printers, decorators, planners, car rental services, music bands….. the list goes on and on. If you’ve gotten married recently or on the verge of it, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

What this people have done is made the whole process of getting married a money making process… hence the term industry. Nothing ‘wrong’ all of this of course….. in most cases, there is a genuine demand and a genuine supply for such services. People in the industry aren’t (always) greedy little goblins ready to bring you to the slaughter house the minute you mention ‘wedding’.

Over Glamorization

But there IS still something wrong. And that’s the over glamorization of weddings. Many brides (and brides-to-be) have been brainwashed into wanting this so called ‘perfect’ wedding. Full of glitz, full of glamour; beautiful gowns, fancy photo shoots, grand entrances, wedding favours, customized cards, sophisticated floral arrangements, expensive bridal cars, diamond studded wedding bands… the list is endless. We’ve all been brainwashed into buying this idea of what all weddings are supposed to look like – perfect. And that’s where the problem starts…

No Perfect Wedding

There is no perfect wedding. Anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. It’s Murphy’s law.. whoever Murphy is. The table colours will be wrong, or the rain will come, or the food will taste bad, or the band will screw up, the brides shoe will break or the priest will show up drunk (OK, maybe not). Whatever it is, something will not go the way things are planned. And couples freak out… tears are quick to follow… usually by the brides… because all they wanted is one day….one perfect day on their wedding, just like how they imagined when they were young… and even that got taken from them. So much time, so much effort, so much money, so much fuss spent on getting the wedding right..couples end up thinking more about their wedding than their marriage.

Wedding = Marriage?

Look at the wedding of the late Princess Diana. By all accounts a fairy tale wedding; it was televised to 750 million people (no Youtube back then), 600,000 people lined up outside the church to see her, her gown was 8 meters long worth 9000 GBP, her ring was with sapphire with 14 diamonds around it, her wedding cake was made by some royal baker in Belgium…She was literally marrying a prince. But still, it ended in infidelity, heartbreak and eventually death.

Not all of us are going to have such dramatic lives of course, but here’s the point – how good your wedding is has little to do with how good your marriage is. The wedding is for a day, but the marriage is for life. Yet before tying the knot, we end up spending the bulk of our time thinking about the wedding instead of the marriage. Something is wrong when we spend 6 months to a year thinking planning for one particular day, but only start thinking about the rest of our lives after its too late.


I know all of this is sounding so serious and gloomy.. especially when it’s about weddings. But by comparison, weddings are actually the easy part. Relationships are tough.. and I imagine marriage is probably the toughest of them all. We should give it more thought than the wedding.

When it’s all warm, fuzzy and romantic, there really isn’t much fault you can find in your partner at all. Her fair is perfect, his moustache is adorable, her whims are cute and his demands are noble….
Sure you have different opinions and different ways of doing things.. buy hey, it’s nothing your love can’t overcome right? Love conquers all baby….

But when the novelty has passed and disillusionment sets in, you wonder what happened to the person you thought you fell in love with.. you wonder why you never saw how different your values and beliefs really are, how different you handle money, how different your individual goals are, how different you imagined your marriage is supposed to be. You fight about money, family, holidays, roles and responsibilities… THEN you start to wonder if you’ve perhaps married the wrong person.

Of course, by then it’s too late because you already said ‘I do’.

Doesn't Matter Anyway

If you’ve just skimmed through everything I wrote above, then just read this summary:

Weddings aren’t that important. Maybe a lot of women and brides-to-be will want to murder me for saying that, but it’s true. I’m not saying it’s a complete waste of time. It isn’t. But it’s probably only 0.004% a part of your marriage. That’s the percentage of 1 day of the rest of the 60 years of your life.

What you’re better off doing instead of thinking about corsages, table arrangements, gowns and what have you, is to think about what it means to be a married couple for the rest of your life; what it means to go from becoming two to one; what it means to say for better or for worse; and what it REALLY means to say ‘I do’ in the presence of God. Talk about your plans together, your priorities, your outlook of money, what you each want out of life, your common values….If you're part of a church and they have marriage preparation courses, attend it. If not, talk to you parents, or long married couples... You’re opening a big can of worms of course, and you won’t be able to sort it all out immediately, but at least it’s the right direction.

If you can do that… if you can see things for what they are and not get confused over what’s truly important and prepare accordingly - then even if on your wedding day it rains, the photographer is lost, the band is missing and the bride trips and falls during the march in – you will still be blessed with a good marriage and a life happily ever after….

Congratulations to all our friends who are recently getting / got married. I won't wish for you a fantastic wedding.. but a lasting marriage. God bless you!

Cheers...

A Prayer The Night Before...

Dear God,

How will my life turn out from this day on? I have no idea. But you’ve led me this far. It’s only right that I let you lead me on. Thank you for bringing wonderful people into my life. Thank you for hard earned lessons, thank you for grace and forgiveness, thank you for second chances, thank you for love and friendship.

As I start this whole new chapter of my life, please help me. Help me be better than what I have been, help me learn from painful mistakes, so that they aren’t wasted. Help me be the best that I can and should be, for my own sake and for and for the ones I love. Help me still my turbulent heart – let it quiet down and settle. Let it learn peace and contentment. Let it no longer be torn and divided. Help me grow wiser. Help me forgive and love others, just as I have been loved and forgiven by others. Help me learn how to be Godly and righteous, in thought and in action. Let me not want the things I shouldn’t want. Let me want the things I should.

Give me wisdom, give me courage – to be the man I should; as a son, as a brother, and now as a husband.

Lead my heart, and let it be faithful. Let it no longer wander and stray as it so often does. Let it not lust and crave for temporary pleasures… Let it love and care for people and things that matter. Let it learn to love others in the right way, in the right amounts. Let the love that kindles in my heart and in this newly founded marriage be pure.

Teach me how to spend my walking closely to you. Indeed. You have been faithful to me, even when I have not been to you. Give faith and hope to the persons most precious to me. Lord you know who they are, even if they don’t know it themselves. Just like how you have allowed certain people to become a blessing to me in my life, let me also be a blessing to the people around me, so that I may give back even if it’s just in part, what I have received from others.

I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Sometimes, we find the answers instantly, other times it takes a long while before we do, and sometimes we just never do. But whichever it is, I do believe that You are behind it all; that behind every laugh, every cry, every tear and every song, you are at work.

And with that in mind, whatever happens tomorrow and the for the rest of my life, however things turn out, I leave it all in Your good hands.

In Jesus Christ I pray.

Amen.

Wedding Thoughts

Numerous people have asked how I’m feeling leading up to the wedding.

I was initially feeling pretty cool about it. After all, this was something my fiancee and I have been talking about and planning for over a year now. To think and talk about it again wasn’t exactly something that would send butterflies up our stomachs. In fact, we were somewhat amused at the reaction of the people around us when we made the announcement. We have been together a long long time, and I think most people thought it was just a matter of time before we tied the knot.


I don’t know if every marrying couple goes through this, but we were genuinely surprised not so much on how people react to it (which was positive) but rather the intensity to it. People would say to us “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re getting married! I’m so excited!”…….. or something along those lines.


I suspect maybe it’s because given our age, we are one of the earlier ones amongst our friends to actually be taking this next step. Hence the whole feeling of novelty is there… that one of their personal friends, and not some uncle or auntie’s son is getting married.


Some people in the older generation, knowing the hardship that my fiancee and I have individually gone through in life, seem to feel happy (and relief almost) that we seem to be emerging and moving on from the ghost of our past.


But in the end, what it really feels like personally for us is the feeling that actually, our friends and family love us, and are genuinely and sincerely happy for us and our union. People have come out to openly express how happy they are for us, how they feel so excited for us, and how they are there to help if we need any at all…


The excitement and enthusiasm rubs off, and suddenly, we feel excited too. But the excitement isn’t so much about the act of getting married, but the fact that a lot of different people, from different areas of our lives will be gathering together for a night just for our sakes. Relatives and friends from near and a far will all be there, some as far as the US….and when I think about it, it’s hard not to be moved. You see, in trying to finalize our guest list, we had to pick and choose who and how much they mean to us. But in making the commitment to come, even if it mean a 20 hour flight or 6 hour drive, we are shown how much we mean to them in return. And those who sincerely cannot be there go through great lengths to express their regret. Suddenly, there is this physical manifestation of the level of love people have for us.


And I guess that’s the part that gets me excited the most. That there are people who mean something to us, and that we mean something to them too...


So am I ready to get married?


Well... as ready as I'll ever be I guess....

Let me just check if I've been invited. :-P


Cheers.

The Ones That Matter

“You did not invite everyone.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you invited only half of the group. That’s not very nice. You should have invited all of them and let them decide if they want to come.”

“I invited the ones that I want to be there. I have no more relationship with the rest of them, why should I invite them? I haven’t spoken to them in 8 years! And suddenly I have to act like I want them at my wedding?”

“But at least you shared a common past. At least they were someone to you once upon a time. And that merits an invite. PLUS….. not everyone you’re inviting is going to be able to make it. So its better for you to over-invite and end up with just about the numbers you want. I just attend a wedding last week, and there were so many empty tables. It doesn’t look good. Trust me, you don’t want yours to look like that.”

“I'm not there to 'fill out the numbers'. You are just talking about the ‘chinese bunch’. That's what you all the 'group'. That’s how you draw your circle. But I never stuck to that circle in the first place. I mixed around a lot more with everyone that you guys. I was a lot closer to other Malays and India in our class than I ever was with the Chinese… and if I go by your reasoning, I’ll have to invite HALF THE WHOLE FREAKING VILLAGE.”

“It’s up to you. But people talk. And sooner or later, they going to find out you didn’t invite them, and they might get offended.”

“So? As far as I’m concerned, if I haven’t spoken to you or seen your face in 8 years, we make no effort whatsoever to maintain relationship, you don’t merit an invite…. Because there IS NO relationship. What’s there to be offended?”

***************************************

It seems my wedding invitation list has been an interesting topic of discussion between some quarters. It’s a guessing game on why certain people were invited and some were not. I do admit it may come across as odd. Some people I deliberately DIDN’T invite despite knowing for almost 10 years, and others I have gone out of my way to invite even if I’ve known them in recent times. Generally, 3 categories of people have emerged.

The first are the obvious ones. These are family, relatives, close friends. People fully expecting to be invited and do get invited. You could call this the ‘mandatory’ list; because there’s an unspoken rule that it’s mandatory for you to invite and mandatory for them to attend.

The second one is what I call the limbo list. They are neither here nor there. Perhaps some of them were expecting to be invited (if they find out about it)¸but mysteriously never got an invitation. It is the category of people that I was debating about above with a friend.

The third list is the wild card list. These are the people who never actually expect to get invited, but for some mysterious reason, they do. They’re usually left scratching their heads wondering why. I had to laugh when someone in this category asked another friend why they merited an invite when it seems we’ve met only a few times. And perhaps this friend understood my heart more than most, she said to him "Well... I think he likes you very much."

As far as I was concerned, there was no such thing as an ‘across the board’ invitation. Weddings are special, intimate and personal. Everyone on the list is considered individually. My fiancée and I discussed it very early on and agreed that the wedding will not be some big, grand event, but rather an intimate, meaningful, private event only with people closest to us.

The question of who and why they matter to you is a question of the heart; it doesn’t always follow social conventions. In fact, after going through it, I realize that it breaks social conventions. Because in considering someone, I disregarded factors such as historical past, how long I’ve known them, what my current status is with them etc. Instead, I asked myself simple questions; Is this person significant to me? Am I fond of this person? Do I want them in my life hereon after? In other words, which ones do you think are for keeps? Because if marriage is meant to be for a lifetime, then the people most fitting to be there to witness and celebrate it should be the ones you intend to keep for life. It’s as simple as that.

And that’s how we both ended up with a rather odd list of guest invited. Some we’ve known for a decade, some barely a year, some from work, some from school, some from across the road, some from the other side of the world. But they all have one thing in common – they matter to us in one way or another.

And if that has offended some people… well… they never mattered in the first place anyway.

Till Death Do Us Part...

I watched as my cousin walked across the ballroom as 250 other people stood and clapped their hands.

I was happy for her. She was finally marrying the man she had been dating since high school. Whatever people had to say about the husband, I knew that this man loved her sincerely and with all his heart. I believed he would make a good husband. And whatever people had to say about my cousin, I knew she would be true and loving to him. We had been close in our teenage years, and I knew her a bit better than most. She was a fun and bubbly person to be with. But underneath the exterior, was someone with a lot of loyalty.

In the table across me sat her elder sister. I remember attending her wedding all those years ago. She was now a mother of two; a son and a daughter. She was the first of our generation to get married and have children, a second followed a year later. This year, there are 3.. one of which was me.

I read that 1 in 5 marriages end in divorce here in Malaysia. That means even at the very start, the chances of a successful marriage are down to 80%. Factor in family conflicts, personal conflicts, religious differences, culture, family upbringing, goals in life, levels of maturity, intellect, interests, levels of commitment, expectations etc etc....... chances of success in a marriage don't seem too bright after all.

My own parent's marriage crumbled after ten years or so. A friend of a friend's marriage is already on the rocks barely a year after getting marriage. One close friend of mine has parents who live together, but are in practice living individual lives. They don't sleep together, they don't talk, and they don't even help each other. Someone I know has a father living overseas for over a decade now, away from the family; one can only imagine if he has another family elsewhere. Other friend told me of an uncle who secretly harboured two wives for years; both living within a 50km radius. I've come across so many men whose wives are of pure functional purposes only while affection and love is kept for the mistress. Whether it leads to divorce or not, all these marriages have fail in one way or another.

Yet, every marriage starts with good hope. No one ever thinks their marriage is going to be one of the failed ones. No one ever has vows that say '.......for better, for worse, in sickness and through health till death do us part but with an 80% likelihood of success, not counting personal differences, marital problems etc etc...' We all enter a relationship.. any sort for the matter firmly believing that it will all work out. We all have this mindset that 'those kind of things' happen to 'other sorts of people'... but not us... not you and me.. what we have is special, what we have is true....... How desperate is our want and need to believe such words. I know because these are the very thoughts I cling on to myself now that I am on the verge of getting married.

We all want to believe in love. That love will somehow smooth out the edges and make everything OK. And when they don't.. when the relationship starts to fail, when the marriage falls apart, we get disillusioned. We question if love alone is truly enough to keep two people together for life. We conclude that love alone as ideal as it is, will never be enough. Real and practical things need to be taken into consideration.. money, bills, income, companionship, compatibility, age, language, background, The romantic notions of love conquers all suddenly takes a back seat and gives way to practical issues.... and I guess in the end, some people choose to walk out simply because love has proven itself to be not pragmatic at all. To love someone who does not love you back, to sacrifice so much and gain nothing, to invest all your time, money and effort in someone that will not appreciate it not only not practical…….it makes no sense.

And yet here we all are, making plans lifelong plans to commit to each other as if all these problems will sort themselves out later.

I don’t know what compelled my cousin to tie the knot so quickly. She and her husband of all couples seemed to be facing more resistance than others. He was the only child raise by a single mother, and her mother did not seem to be consenting to the union at all. The pastor refused to marry them in church because he was not a Christian. He couldn’t convert because his mother would only allow in over her dead body. He had just graduated early this year and wasn’t exactly on firm financial footing. Minutes before they were due for their speech, the mother walked out of the ballroom….. glaringly missing when the son was trying to say thank you to the mum for raising him during his speech. She on the other hand seemed to want this marriage more than anything.. Going so far as to push the idea of marriage since last year, before he even finished his studies. Her parents objected, insisting that he at least graduate first before they tied the knot. She had put on a very considerable amount of weight in the last 5 years.. a far cry from the petite young girl that I used to hang around in the fields with.

Whatever it was… here I was wishing upon them the best of luck and every happiness for the rest of their lives. I feel very little emotional ties to my cousin now, though once upon a time we had been very close. I didn’t exactly quite like the husband either. I had known the guy since we were 13.. attending the same school, and my first impressions of him pretty much stuck with me till today. But as a couple, I want so badly for them to succeed. I want to see them beat the odds. I want to see them flourish in their love despite the opposition. I need to know that love can and does translate into real life. I need to see and feel love tearing through walls of opposition & sail through seas of difficulties….. defying all convention, norms or statistics. I want to know that as cynical as the world may be about marriage, no couple is doomed to unhappiness if they have genuine love for each other. I need to know that.

Not just for their sake……… but for my own.

Cold Feet Or Something LikeThat

I have a confession to make.

I’m just four months away from getting married. We’ve been planning this whole wedding since last year really. Unlike western weddings, Asian weddings – especially Chinese ones, are never a simple affair. But most of the things are in place; venue, food, music, photographer, church arrangements. Whatever’s not sorted out will be in the next few months.

My fiancée posted a few of our pre-wedding photographers on facebook recently, and there were loads of excited comments and compliment to (mostly) the bride and (partly) to the groom for looking like such a stunning couple. One person spoke the words right out of my mouth when they said… “Your husband is the luckiest man in the world… you can see it on his face.” I had to smile at that.

But that’s not the confession.

The confession is – I’m not as excited as I think I should be. It’s just four months away. Four months from now, I will be declaring in front of man and God that this is the woman I will spend the rest of my life with, and I’m still not feeling any jitters, no adrenaline, no anxiety..unlike her of course. She’s been excited since last year. As for me, a part of me knows that when it really comes down to it, I will feel the excitement of it all. It’s not so much of if, but when. But for now at least, it really seems like it’s the people around us who are more excited about our wedding that we are ourselves. We’ve been playing it pretty cool so far, but a lot of relatives and especially friends seem so caught up in it all; offering all sorts of tips, advise and help.

I’ve remained largely behind the scenes for now – quietly make preparations here and there, not going around in any big way announcing The Big Day to one and all. A part of me wonders if I behave like this because I’m being my usual shy self, or am I downplaying it because of my own uncertainties.

I’ve had a lot on my mind. I ask myself the same question she frequently asked me when we first got engaged “Do you feel pressured into marrying me?” My answer to her was of course no, but as the months went by, I find myself asking the same question – as if I needed the assurance more than her. I was very frank when I said that if it had been any other woman, under any other circumstances, I would not be taking this step today. My life’s plan did not include marriage smack in the middle of my twenties But here I am today, and this is what it is…. and I believe this is what fate had intended for me all along. It hit home for me when I read the other day that “In his heart, man plans his course, but it is the LORD who determines his step.” In more than just my coming marriage, I have come to truly learn and embrace the fact that nothing… NOTHING that I have today came from my own efforts or abilities. Yes, I had a role to perform too. But I did not set this up, I did not plan this out, and I certainly did not make it work. But just like an actor, I just sat there, read my lines and everything else fell into its own place. I may the lead actor in the story of my life…. but the man upstairs was directing it. But more on that next time.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching again… as if trying to prepare myself for what is to come. I think deep down inside, I’m still not convince that I have what it takes to take this next step. But if I gave in to that, I know I never will be.

I know a part of me is still somewhat reluctant to give up my bachelorhood. I have no idea why this seems to be such a big deal to me. Someone aptly pointed out to me that I’ve been in a steady, solid relationship for 8 years that we’re practically behaving like a married couple already. What’s the big deal? Has there ever been someone else? Well… no… not for the most part anyway. My feelings are that for me to be married at my age…well, it’s a bit too early for my taste. 5 more years would be just about right. Many have agreed with me on this and I feel validated to some extent. But I know there’s more. The truth is, I feel reluctant because getting married means that I am closing all other options. You’re committing… and once you commit, there is no way out, no backup plan. This is what you’re stuck with, for better or for worse. Your instinct tells you that you should hold out just in case… because you don’t really know what else is coming your way. There might be someone else out there for you. You have only one life to live, and you don’t want to short change yourself. Ever had thoughts like that? It’s a selfish and loveless thought of course…. but there it is, clouding my mind and planting seeds of doubt.

There is another fear – and that’s the fear of change. See, I’m the kind of guy that’s usually happy with the status quo. I’m slow at adapting to change and often need some time before settling in. I’m young in age…. but old at heart. I don’t resist change. Change should always be for the better and not just for the sake of it. But I’m the kind that wants change should happen in an orderly, deliberate and gradual manner. Change means uncertainty. Uncertainty means a lack of control. And when you feel like you don’t have control over your life, you get scared. This explains my feet dragging when it comes to marriage. Marriage is after all one of the biggest, most life changing steps we all take in our lives….. and after that, the next thing everybody’s going to be wanting… are babies…. gulp……….. Can you blame me for being scared out of my pants?

But life’s never the way we want it to be isn’t it? It doesn’t give a damn about your opinion or how you feel. It goes on the way it does. Changes may come both suddenly and gradually. The big ones often pounce suddenly from behind, and the profound ones often creep up slowly beside you… either way, you seldom see it coming.

I have had plenty of time to allow my thoughts to simmer…. to allow myself to wrestle with these conflicting emotions and hopefully come out with the right conclusions, and here it is.

Love is the central theme to all our loves. It is in its essence - selfless. It takes delight in sacrificing for others. But it’s often harder than it sounds because love will require you to make expensive sacrifices; sacrifices that are often to your expense. The only joy you can be totally assured of is the joy of giving. If I were to live a life of love, my decisions cannot be all about me, me and me only. A person who lives only for himself has no love, and one who has no love lives a meaningless life. I can’t afford that.

The urge to retain bachelorhood is nothing but a selfish attempt on my part to avoid ending up on the short end of the bargain in life. But either way, there are no guarantees in life. A man cannot see further than the limits of his sight. If I profess to love my fiancée (which I do), I will let go of this selfish thought. In any case, with her I secure a lifetime of certain happiness. Without her, I gain merely an option of some vague possibility in the future. Even a fool would know how to choose from these options. As for change….well… be it slow or fast, it is a fact of life. Resisting change may block out uncertainties, but also exciting possibilities. It’s easier to learn how to cope with change rather than to pretend it can be stopped. And to what I can see, when faced with change, we often learn things about ourselves we’d otherwise never have discovered.

Cheers.

Next post… fatherhood?....................... Naaaah. Let me just get through this first OK? :-)

A wonderous moment of bliss......

As we reached the park.. the rain seemed to slow down.

"Thank you God!'...I whispered to myself.

There weren't too many lights, so the place was a bit dark. The air felt cool and moist. At least it wasn't hot and sticky. We got out of the car and started walking.. Her fingers automatically slide between mine as I reach out my hand, no words, no gestures needed; one of those things we just can read off each other after so many years of being together.

We walked slowly, not saying too much.. just enjoying each other's company... a comfortable silence. I lead her on to the spot we had first met..

********************

Back when we were both 16. We were from different schools.. There was this environmental awareness programme being organized by an NGO for schools around the Klang valey.. and we had each been chosen by our schools respectively to participate. I was soOo close to not going. The night before, my friends and I were hooked on the television, watching the Champions League semi finals... where Bayern Munich beat Man Utd to advance into the finals. We were up until 4a.m. cheering on our team.. albeit in vein since they lost anyway. The 4 of us actually contemplated not going. Our team had lost.. We were in bad moods and we wanted to sleep. Who wants to be spending their day climbing up a hill and talking about recycling and saving mother earth when your team just lost anyway.... But for the sake of our beloved English teacher, whom we were all very fond of, we dragged our lazy asses and puffy eyes along.

We were split into groups.. and as luck would have it.. I got placed into the same group with the only other chinese girl in the whole event. And as the host shouted out "OK everyone, now turn around and introduce yourself to the person behind you...." I could not believe my luck as I stood there right behind her.

"Hi... I'm XXX" she said.

"Hi..... I'm YYY. OMG, you speak English!!" I said (rather stupidly actually)

"Erm...... YeeeEess?" she answers half puzzled

"Oh no... I mean.. that's great! It's really nice to have someone to speak to in English for a change." I said.

Back from where I was from.. very little people spoke English. Everything was either in Malay, or Mandarin or Cantonese.. I missed having someone to speak to in my primary language... so speaking to her was quite a joy.. The fact that she was so pretty was also a plus point!

I must have sounded so lame to her for making such comments.. but thankfully, we hit it off real quick.. and before long... we were so engrossed in conversation with each other that we pretty much neglected everyone else in the group. When we started our way up the hill, we were in front of the line.. By the time we were down again at the foot of the hill.. we were one of the last. She had shared with me all the hardships she had faced in her life... her broken home, her missing mother, her estranged father, her junkie brother, and her abandoned younger brother living in a shelter home. I was blown away. Not by pity.. not by sadness..but by admiration. I thought I HAD had it bad.. but the things she was telling me was far beyond what I ever experienced. And there she was, happy and cheerful and as normal as everyone else.

I never believed in love at first sight, and if you ask me today, I'd still tell you the same thing. It doesn't exist. Love is nurtured and build.. not something you fall into. But I DO know that from the fateful first day I met her, I have been crazy about this girl ever since. I didn't know then that it would be the start of something new that would shape the rest of my life, I didn't know that this woman would be the one I would want to marry.. And I didn't know that this would be the spot I was going to propose. Life suddenly seemed stranger than fiction.

****************************

We sat down at a chair as the rain started to tinkle down again. She was a full grown woman now. More beautiful than she has ever been. Back when, very early on in our relationship, I started calling her beautiful.. almost every single day.

"I'm not beautiful dear.. Only you say that." she would tell me...

"Well... ONE DAY, people are going to start noticing you... and they'll start being very sweet and nice to you.. and call you beautiful... When THAT day comes..... just remember... I said it first..... Long before anyone else had eyes to see, I already did.. Remember that OK?"

That day had arrived.... and yes.. she remembered.

There were some annoying groups of people that came by, making noises.. chatting.. playing games in the park...She was uneasy and wanted to leave... but I said "NO, lets stay.. We CAME HERE FIRST. THEY SHOULD LEAVE, NOT US".

I was guarding the place like a jealous pit bull...I was not leaving my spot, not now, not tonight, not on this occasion.. My heart was racing... racing sooo hard. I had not felt this nervous or anxious for a long long time. 7 years to be exact.... when I nervously grabbed her and and asked her to be my girlfriend. The same nervousness.. the same fear.. the same anticipation. But I was also 7 years older, 7 years wiser, and 7 years in preparation for the question I was about to ask. This time, I was asking her hand in marriage. I had done it in the spur of the moment back then.. This time, I had meticulously planned everything.

I had avoided hugging her the whole night. I didn't want her to feel the ring. I gently felt it.. It was still there.. so was the other crucial thing.. the piece of paper. But not just any paper. The scrap piece of paper I had messily scribbled my proposal on while sitting in the car.. After I bought the ring. For once in my life, I had planned ahead of time what I wanted to wear. The jacket was the only thing that could safely hide these two items. I used to write her simple short poems.. and she loved it. Sometimes she would take out the old ones and read them over and over again. I always felt they were rather crude and elementary.. But she thought it was sweet... And she started to comment when they got lesser and lesser. (I can't be inspired all the time!)... I remembered that.., and suddenly, all the pieces just came together. I had figured out the when; on our 7th anniversary. 7 is considered a perfect number. I had figured out the where; the place we met.. And finally, with some inspiration, I had figured out the how; through a poem I would pen for her.

I waited and waited and waited till there was no one else around...

"It's about time. It's now or never. " I thought to myself. I never felt so nervous going through the next few lines... trying to lead the conversation into my true intentions.

"Sorry I didn't buy you anything for our anniversary dear.."

"It's OK darling.. Dinner was lovely.... You don't need to buy me anything. I had a good time."

"Ya la.. Well.. no money ma recently.. You know how you always complain that I never write you poems anymore?"

"YeeeEees"

"Well.. since I didn't buy you anything, I wrote you a poem instead. You want me to read it to you?..."

"REALLY!! So sweet.. Faster faster!!" I could see the sparkle in her eyes....

"OK, OK... But I'm a bit shy.. So you look in front.. You musn't look at me while I'm reading it OK? Promise.." Truth was... I didn't want her seeing me reach into my pocket and opening the ring.

"OK, OK.. Faster!!" as she looks away. I love seeing her all excited and happy.

"Alright.. here goes" As I reach into my pocket and took out the scribbled piece of paper...

DEEP BREATH.... TAKE IT SLOWLY

I started reading (don't laugh OK.. I'm just an engineer, not a poet)

*******************

Dear,

Seven long years it has been,

Seems just like yesterday, holding your hand gave me butterflies,

Never could have planned, never would have bet,

The way it all came together, the somehow.. we magically met.

So beautiful you were (and still are!), lovely eyes, infectious smile,

No matter how bad things were, I always knew it was worth while.

Sure, you may think others are prettier, slimmer or smarter,

But, given a choice, I'd still have no other.

Through the peaks and valleys we have been,

So aching the hard times, so sweet and dreamy the good times seem,

I know at times, you just want to throw it all away,

Our fights get so bad, surely this was more than just a bad day!

Yet, here we are today, still together firm and true,

My heart is all yours, is there anything at all I wouldn't do for you?

Such a warm and loving partner, with a caring heart,

More than ever, I don't think we should ever be apart!

Here we are , at the place it all began,

Where fate seems to have guided my hand to your hand,

In my heart, I KNOW... we were meant to be.

But darling......... I still need to ask.........."Will you..... marry me?"

*******************

I ended the last 2 lines holding the ring in my hand at her. She just took one quick glance at it and hugged me tight and said "YES".... bursting in tears. Tears that sounded more like tears of relief more than tears of joy....

"I never expected it would be this way.. I never expected it would be this way........." she says in between sobs....... Gosh, I love her...... The joy and relief finally setting in. I had done it. I'd give myself a pat in the back.... but I was too busy holding her tight.

After she had calmed down.. I took the ring out of the box. This was the moment of truth after playing guessing for an entire week......I gently held her finger and slid the ring in. She covered her mouth with the other hand... A perfect fit.

"It's beautiful. How did you know to buy gold? Most people would've gone for white gold..."

I looked at her and smiled.. "I just knew...."

We just sat there.. in each others arms.. She resting on my shoulder... as I kissed her on the head, I knew in my heart, that this was the kind of moment.. the kind of feeling that only came to people.. mostly once in their life... and many times, hardly in the ways they hoped or expected it to be. I never want to forget that feeling.. that feeling of being the happiest person alive....

This date, this place, this woman... has changed my life...

I had proposed... and she had said yes.... I closed my eyes.. savouring this wondrous moment of bliss.

The day we met (when fate & love collide)

The rain was just stopping as we came out of the car. Victoria Station... one of the steak houses in Malaysia we've been talking about trying for ages but never did. After donkey years of talk only, I finally said to her, we're going. The place was quiet and rather empty.. no doubt due to the rain. We were seated and ordered... steaks, lobster, soup, salad... and of course, a bottle of red wine. We settled in and before long, we were already busy chatting away like old friends...going on about how fast things seemed to go by in a flash, the challenges we faced, how we met, etc etc

"You look so beautiful tonight dear..." I say to her.

"You always tell me that.. all the time. Fat or thin, jeans or dress. I can never believe you." she replies..

"What? That's because you DO look beautiful all the time." I reply.

"You ar...You only say that because you love me" she smiles...

"No. Who says so? Who says I love you..." I shoot back and she gives me a spank my hand and shows me the face for being cheeky...

It was our 7th anniversary of being together......... She NEVER tires of telling people the story of how we met or how we ended up together. Most of the time, I let her do the telling.. but here's how it went.... roughly..

*******************

7 years ago on that day, we went out on what would be our second date and third time meeting face to face. I had arrived AN HOUR late from from our meeting time. Neither of us had a mobile back then, so it was hard to try and reschedule. I couldn't find her when I arrived at the entrance. I thought the worst; she had left. She was probably pissed off after waiting for so long and walked off. I was completely dejected and miserable. I had blown it. After a whole year of waiting, I had blown it off. I thought of leaving, but against hope of hopes, I stayed there thinking maybe I could spot her passing the entrance and try to salvage something. So I just sat there, staring into the nothingness... waiting for apparently nothing, lost in my own thought.

An hour of sitting there... at the brink of leaving, and she shows up...and in a hurry too.. She whisk me away, dragging me along with her even before I had a chance to say anything. As we headed towards the washroom, she explained; she had woken up LATE! So she rushed to get ready to catch the next bus, and in doing so, she had put on her blouse inward out. She didn't notice until the persons behind her started giggling.

"Don't laugh at me ar..." she said.

I burst out laughing... more in relief that in amusement. I thought I had screwed up... Turns out she screwed up even more. Haha..... It caught me off guard. It was the last thing I'd expect out of this date. One an hour late, the other, TWO. But I was just so glad that she was there. I still had a chance.

Hours later, after dinner and movie, as the evening sun went down, we sat in front of the entrance, waiting for someone to come pick us up.

"Do you have something to tell me? Are you OK?" she prodded and prodded

I couldn't stop shaking. I was a nervous wreck, I was having cold sweat, my heart was racing.. I didn't know how to be charming and witty, I didn't know how to be confident and suave... I only knew that I was crazy about this girl. There was this looming feeling that I was supposed to DO something. (she especially likes emphasizing and exaggerating this next part) And so, at a sudden impulse, with as much elegance and poise as a drunkard sailor, I reached out, grabbed her hands and blurted (more like vomited) out "Would you be my girlfriend?"... just like that.. out of the blue.. no introduction.. no elaboration, nothing.... (GOWD.. Talk about lacking finess)..... She keeps silent.. and I felt like an even bigger fool that before.

"Let me think about it..." she tells me with a wily smile on her face.

"OK..... " I replied.

I hadn't expected myself to do that. And after a while of silence, I felt like I was not only ill prepared to ask that question, I was also not ready to hear the answer. What if she said no?

"On second thought, you don't have to answer me tonight OK. Think about it and just give me an answer when you're ready." I said.

"OK. But I'm ready to give you an answer now. Do you want to hear it?" she asks.

"WHAT? NO. DON'T TELL ME. I'm not ready yet." I responded.. This was going waaaay to fast....

And so she keeps quiet. Our ride comes, and we head toward the car..... There could be no more lovey dovey talk once we were inside. Just before we entered the car... she turns to me, and she bursts out..

"Oh ya.. by the way... the answer is YES."

We got in the car, I turned back and whispered to her "Did you just say yes?"

"I don't know. What do you think?" she says with a grin... and I just smile back at her. She sure had a way of catching me off guard. And the rest they say.. is history....

********************

I smiled a lot throughout the night.. partially because we finished a bottle of wine between the two of us and I was feeling quite relaxed... partially because of the two items sitting safely inside my jacket pocket. I hid it there.. it was the last place she would search (if she was searching that is). My mind wasn't on dinner.. it was on the two items in my pocket.

I called for the bill, tipped the waiter, and made our way to the car. I spot the waiters and other customers eying her as we walk by. She really looked beautiful. I don't know why she never believes me.

It had started drizzling again. Darn it. A quick "Tolong saya-lah Tuhan (God help me!)" under my lips... and I suggested to her that I wanted to walk in the park.. Eat too much... need to digest a bit.

"But it's drizzling..."

"Ya.. it's not VERY heavy.. and I really feel like I need a walk. Come la.. lets go. I'm sure it'll stop."

"............. OK."

Proposing in the restaurant seemed a bit cliche.. and not quite my style. I had other plans. The lame excuse about wanting to take a walk was just a front. I knew I was never the type to come with flowers, go down on bended knee and propose in public. Sooo.. not me la.. I have never gave much serious thought about how I would propose to my future wife when I was younger. But when I finally did start to think about it, I knew mine would have to be personal.. and meaningful.... something significant.. not to others.. but to the two of us. That was how I decided when, where and most importantly, HOW I was going to propose.

So far, so good.

Off we drove.. towards the park for 'a walk'. There wasn't a more perfect time to propose than tonight.. our anniversary. And there wasn't a more perfect place to do it than there, in that park... at that very place, that very spot where we first met.

Now, if only the rain would just stop for a while............

The thing with The Ring

"What's her finger size?" she asked me...

"Her what? Finger size? Errrrmmmmmmmmm......" blur case...

"Is her fingers like my size?" she helpfully asks as she shows me her fingers.

"Errrmmmm..... Yes.. Almost.. But a bit... 'meatier'".. I said.

"It's best you know her size for sure. Some rings can be modified, others can't. You have to return it in 3 days if it doesn't else we'll buy it back from you at 70%" she says.

"OKAY... Soooo.. How do I find out her ring size? I don't know." Was feeling a bit anti climactic. I had hoped to buy it that day itself. I though I could just waltz in and be done with it. typical male shopping mentality. (Hopeless la you... Liddat oso duno.. hold people's hand for so many years.. ring size also cannot get right).

"Here, take this.. Measure it using this and come back when you have a size." she tells me, as she passes me a paper strip that rolled into a ring... used to measure a persons finger size..

oooOOOooh.. so THAT's how people measure finger sizes.. Man, me buying jewelry was like a kampung boy trying to take the LRT. So awkward.. so unfamiliar.

But how was I going to measure her finger without making it obvious to her what I was up to? I had exactly one week to get it done before my big little plan. She's sharp as a hawk. How am I supposed to do it? A few ideas came up.

Aaah.. I could just take one of her existing rings and send it to the shop.. They'd find the exact size in no time and save me the trouble.. But wait.. Oh.. ya.. she doesn't wear rings. Scap that idea..

I KNOW! I could pretend I came across this little strip of paper.. Pretend to be suddenly interested in rings and ring sizes and all and try to casually get her to measure her finger... On second thought, maybe not la.. She'll see right through it. I've never been interested in her jewelry etc.. so why the sudden interest? Dumb idea.. :-S

I could get a friend to measure it for me.. But that'd mean I'd have to spill the beans on my plans to some other person. I didn't want that. (I'm very private)... Plus, THAT person would have to come up with some lame ass excuse on why they wanted her ring size also.. Dumberer idea...

AHA.. I could just wait till one of those mornings, when she was deep in her sleep.. and her fingers just happened to be in the open.. I could delicately take out the paper and oh-so-gently wrap in around her finger.. and voila! A ring size!! It was risky.. because she was a light sleeper... She's always been the type to wake up at the slightest distraction / noise.. I always slept like a stone.

I patiently waited my time.. Trying to catch my opportunity.. Waiting for the chance when she was sleep, and her fingers exposed.. But I think lady luck wasn't on my side and I just knew this wasn't going to be so easy. It was a challenge life was throwing at me.. Buying the wrong ring size would be quite a kill joy.

I spent the entire week, holding her hand, looking at her fingers, then my own.. then hers.. then my own. She picked up on my behaviour.. and was asking why I was behaving 'so strangely'... Because there were time I'd be just staring at her fingers real hard.. and other times, I'd just call her "Dear.... erm... Nothing-la"..... and she's have this puzzled look on her face. I know I know.. I wasn't doing a very good job hiding my intentions.. But I REALLY didn't want to get it wrong.

By the end of the week, I still hadn't a clue what her finger size was.. But had a pretty rough idea that it was around the size of my left baby finger.. I just had to go with that...

The day before my big little plan....

It was a Saturday. I made some lame excuse about wanting to go jogging. Thank goodness she wanted to cook dinner so she didn't come along. I put on my shorts, and my running shoes.. and my Visit KL shirt just to look the part. Haha, you'd never tell I was going to buy a ring. I drove to the jewelry shop again.. I later found out it was the very same shop MY parents bought their wedding bands (isn't that something?).. This time, it was a different guy.

"Can I help you? You looking for anything in particular?"

"Ya... erm.. I want to buy a gold ring. Plain, simple gold ring." It just HAD to be a gold ring. She never liked white gold.. Her work didn't permit fancy jewelry, and it just didn't seem her style to be wearing flashy jewelry. She and I have both always loved simple, understated elegance. I wanted a simple ring she could wear everyday, everywhere without worry. PLUS, my pockets weren't really deep enough to get anything with a stone on it. A simple gold ring would have to do. After all, in my mind.. this was just to propose.. It's not our actual wedding bands.. That was to be selected together.

A doubt crossed my mind. When you propose to someone and you get engaged, should the man be wearing one too? I wasn't really properly taught on the protocols of marriage and engagements etc. I wasn't even sure how a proper proposal was supposed to be done.. if there were ever such a thing. All I knew was, there is this point, when a man gets down on his knees, and ask the woman to be his wife... In the movies.. that usually skips fast forward to their wedding days.. so how you are supposed to engaged was really lost to me. In the mean time, does the guy wear a ring too? I certainly didn't have to budget for TWO. One will have to suffice.

Anyway, so there I was.. going through all the gold rings that they had. I really wished I had a female companion I could bring along, or at least if the sales personnel was a female. I felt I really needed a woman's advice right about now. I don't even trust my own sense of fashion even when it came to wearing my own cloths.. How was I to choose a suitable ring for such an occasion? The bored looking male sales assistant wasn't much help either.. Keeping his interaction to a minimum.. My first, second and third choice of rings all seemed to irk him in some way. He finally spoke out "These rings are all nice... albeit a bit..... TRADITIONAL How old is the person you're buying it for? Oh? Twenties.... how about you try some of these...." His not so subtle way of telling me I've been picking the most outdated 'aunti-ish' looking rings.

Despite his sarcastic remarks.. I eagerly welcomed his suggestions.. I must say, the rings he picked out for me did look quite nice.. though they weren't exactly 'plain'.. But anyway.. It boiled down to two choices... One lighter, fancier looking pattern, the other, simple, but heavier looking with a bit of styling.. just the way I wanted it. He warned that it WAS popular.. but it could scratch after prolonged use.. since the lining across the centere was polished. It was bound to have wear and tear. That alone made the pragmatic engineer in me want to choose the sturdier one.... But I reminded myself that in matters such as this, a different thinking cap was required.

"How much?"

"RMXXX" (Yes, it was still within 3 figures)

Gulp..... OK.. More than I planned for.. but certainly not too preposterous, considering the occasion. Plus, the ring was nice, plus it could be adjusted if the size didn't quite fit... That was quite something to consider too.

"OK. THIS ONE. I WILL TAKE THIS ONE."

"Great. Good choice. So what size?"

"Erm... (looking at my baby finger).. 12.. no no.. 14.. no no.. erm.....(deep breath).. I'll take 14." I finally decided.

I paid for it.. took the box and walked out the store.. It was raining. Gosh, I'm going to have to explain how I went jogging in this rain. How come I didn't come home straight away? OK, I'll just say I got stuck somewhere halfway. Ya, that'll do. I've never been very good at lying.. But it was either white lies all the way or ruin her surprise.

I threw away the silly strip of paper I had the whole week. Some help THAT was.... I ran across the car park and into my car. It was done. I finally took that step. The first physical incarnation of my intention to propose. I knew she already suspected something.. but ha.. I wasn't about to let her in on my intentions so easily. I had to think where to hide the ring so she wouldn't find it. And how does a person go about the rest of his day, acting all dandy and normal, just after making one of the most important purchases of his life? I was bursting with excitement, but thankfully, being a rather reserved person, it wasn't too obvious when I got home.

And there was still that other thing I needed to do.. something that was to me, EVEN MORE important that this. I've let it brew in my mind for the entire week.. And I felt ready to put it into action.. But at least for now.. this was accomplished.

I had bought the ring I was going to use to propose.... God I hope she liked it...

The decision.. to propose...

It has been rough for the earlier few months..

After being a relationship for so many years... its so easy.. especially for me to feel complacent. Things were good the way they are.. If it's not broken why fix it right? I was happy... I was content.. Our relationship had been the cornerstones of my life these half decade.. The one constant source of love, joy, happiness and support through thick and thin.

What we called this relationship meant little to me.. A rose is still a rose by any other name.. What mattered was the connection, the commitment, the love.. And what we had was to me.. close to perfect... Maybe not a match made in heaven.... it's not without its hiccups and kinks.. but I felt with all my heart that it was good as it gets when it comes to love...

I knew she wanted more.. I knew unlike me.. what it was called mattered to her. She needed the assurance.. the need of a public declaration. She needed a firm commitment.. Not some intrinsic ideal about how love is love regardless of its name. She needed to know first hand...

Every relationship has it's thorns.. This was one of ours.. She wanted commitment. I wanted freedom. She wanted to firm it up. I wanted to keep it open. Everytime she brought it up I would evade, and we both would get frustrated. She at me for evading.. and me at her for constantly bringing it up.

Finally one day.. it came to breaking point. We talked on the phone while I was away. She could take it any longer. She felt we were stagnant. She couldn't understand what I was evading for. I honestly didn't understand either. There was no one else. My heart belonged to her. We fought again.. and we argue.. and she cried.. Not like usual.. but truly mourning and crying. Not out of anger, not out of spite, not out of sadness.. just out of pure frustration. I was angry.. I was confused, I was lost.

We hardly spoke for the next 3 days. She neither called nor replied to my text messages. It was OK. I had a lot of soul searching to do. I knew I loved this woman with all my heart. I knew she was the one I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. The past 7 years have flew by so fast only because she was there to share it with me. She was hot tempered, she was impatient, she was stubborn.. but she was loving, passionate, and she lighted up my days. Sometimes she's dead serious, sometimes she's playful as a cat, sometimes she's protective, sometimes she's tender and loving... other times, she's just plain funny. She made my life colourful. Without her, my life would be just shades of gray (I'm that bland). While I was reserved, serious and rational, she was outgoing, bubbly and intuitive... I always speak in a typical dry and matter of fact way, ... It comes across as dull and boring. She speaks in the most colourful and expressive ways.. full of sound effects and noises..

She's everything I'm not..

I knew in my heart... that I actually adored her for it..

She brought out the spontaneous, wacky, crazy, playful and mischievous sides of me which otherwise would most likely remain permanently buried deep in the layers of my personality.. If hearts could sing, mine would for her.... The best part is... I knew with every certainly that she felt the same way about me.. I knew she loved me with all her heart too.. She wouldn't still be around me if she thought otherwise... And here she was crying her heart out because of me, wondering why I found it so hard to do what came most naturally to her.. I felt like a fool. What WAS I waiting for? what WAS I holding out on? Nothing... Nothing at all... She's the only person who's eyes I've seen my future in. She's the only person I can imagine myself growing old with. She's the first person I wanted to see in the morning, and last one I wanted to kiss goodnight...

And that was when...

That's when I decided... that it was time to propose.