I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do— this I keep on doing. Romans 7:18-19
Many nights.... nights like this, I find myself haunted by these verses. Nights like this when all the sinful nature within me surfaces to the ground. I do the things I don't want to do. And I don't do the things I want to do. And I find myself helpless, powerless, defenseless, against my own thoughts, against my own will. It's as if I am a mere spectator in my own body. It moves of its own accord. It does as it pleases. It goes where it wants. And while somewhere at the back of my mind, a voice screams out for me to stop, the body continues on its journey, easily ignoring the desperate but faint sounds of conscience.
Many days I'm completely ridden in guilt. I find myself utterly disgusted with myself. I am unable to like myself for who I am, and the things I've done. I find myself obsessed about bringing my secrets to the grave, lest the people around me find out, and I die of shame anyway. The world classifies people into two categories. The pure and righteous, and the tainted and dirty. One is love and respected by all, the other is spat on in disgust. But there is a third kind. It is the kind that is pure and righteous in the eyes of others, but are tainted and dirty underneath. And among the three, this is the worst. The tainted and dirty make no pretenses about who they are. You could almost admire them on how frank they are about it. The third kind is covered in cloaks of pure white, but underneath it mask a soul that is rotten and foul. William Shakespeare wrote that 'lilies that fester stink worse than weeds'. I am such a kind. I am such a festering lily.
I try. I remind myself that the grace of God is not for the righteous, but for the sinful. Salvation is not for the upright, but the fallen. I prayed to God, asking for the strength to turn away. I knew I could never have the strength to defeat my own self. I prayed to God, asking for the will to turn away. It's so hard to stop doing the things you don't want to, when in truth, you really want to. It was the most difficult of all. It still is.
With all of this, I try telling myself to drop the act of being such a nice guy. At least being outright bad and messed up was better than being a hypocrite. The nicer people's impression of me, the more people liked me, the stronger these feelings would come. I would feel like a fallen man, trying to pretend he's something better than what he really is. Like a person living a realy good lie.
How does you cure the sickness that grow from within? How do you rid a man of a shadow that tails him wherever he goes? How does a man conquer the darkness that lurks from within? Like an object that is laid before my eyes, but just out of my reach, the answer is out of my grasp.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
How To Love
Love can be so complicated something doesn’t it?
It lifts you up like nothing else in this world. It makes your heart soar with the eagles. It makes you climb mountains. It makes you more than you ever thought you could be. And yet love seems to also be the very thing that makes us feel so vulnerable, so weak, so exposed, to silly.
We all start with such a simplistic and naïve belief system, that if I love you, and you love me, we’ll go through it all. We’ll fight the nay sayers, we’ll prove everybody wrong, we’ll show that we're different. We'll show them that love does conquer all...
And then we fail.
Relationships start to crumble, big rifts appear, feelings fade, fatigue comes in and your heart just doesn’t feel so invincible as it used to be. Love, the glue that was supposed to be holding everything together seems to melt apart. Things aren’t as simple as you first thought them to be. Perhaps, just feeling love for each other isn’t enough. Perhaps you aren’t right for one another. Perhaps the timing isn’t right. Perhaps I’m not ready. Perhaps he/she isn’t ready. Perhaps he/she isn’t good enough. Perhaps I am not good enough.
When doubts creep in, faith in love fades away. What I want, what I need becomes more important than what we want, what we need. Inevitably, one or both sides choose to call it quits. Our own happiness and welfare becomes more important than the relationship, which is seen as a hindrance. In essence, this is almost always why relationships seem to fail.
What do you do when the love you feel doesn’t translate into the relationship you want?
My brother, my sister,
If you love one another, you must be prepared to do what it takes to make it work. And that means you must love the other more than you love yourself, you must be prepared to make sacrifices, you must forgive plenty and expect little, you must give selflessly and submit humbly to one another.
You might say you already know these things. They sound so cliché, so generic, so simple. But you can even do these simple things? Have you kept these simple things in mind at that moment before you lose your anger or utter a hurtful remark?
The primary skill you learn in a relationship isn’t about learning how to accommodate one another in each other’s lives. It’s not about learning how to juggle your work, social life, personal time and relationship. Those things are important. You will learn those things along the way as the relationship progresses. But painful and difficult as they seem, they are only incidental. The true skill you learn is how to relate to one another. As mutual love and respect as your foundation, you must realize that tuning into each other’s heart and feelings are your first and most important steps towards becoming one mind, body and flesh.
When fighting, resist taking the higher ground. Resist trying to win or be proven right if it means hurting the one you love. Please learn that many problems and disagreements between you will take years and months to work themselves out. Learn to disagree without compromising your love and tenderness for one another. Problems are not a reason to stop showing kindness and care.
What if you feel like you’ve done all these things and it’s still not working? What if you feel like you’re putting all the hard work and the other is taking it all for granted? What if you feel like the relationship is lopsided and you aren’t treated fairly? What do you do then?
If you love one another, continue doing it. The pattern of love is similar to the pattern of madness. It makes no sense to put another person’s welfare above your own. But that’s precisely what love is. It goes against the grain of what we are naturally good at – taking care of ourselves.
The art of loving someone is something you learn through tears and heartache. There is no shortcut. There is no way around it. You will find yourself having to ask for forgiveness many times, and you will find yourself having to forgive many times. You will find yourself having to make sacrifice over sacrifice. It’s painful and it’s hard. But it is a labour of love. Both of you must uphold your duty to love the other. Don’t wait for each other. Start with yourself. You are both one half of the pillar that holds up your relationship. Please let this sink in.
Do not doubt if it will ever be worth the sacrifice. Do not ask if you will get back as much as you have given. There is no place for an emotional balance sheet when it comes to love. The fruits of love will grow in both the hearts that give and receive it.
I asked “What do you do when the love you feel doesn’t translate into the relationship you want….”
I couldn’t find an answer. But God did.
God found Himself the impossible task of loving a race of people who were sinful, unrepentant and totally estranged from him. But out love love, He wanted to save and repair his relationship with this race of human beings. His love led to Him taking action that was costly to Himself. He sent his son. That was when Christ was born. It was costly. He didn’t care. It was underserved. He didn’t care. It was unasked for. He didn’t care.
If this is how we have been loved, then this is how we must love one another. That’s what you do.
It lifts you up like nothing else in this world. It makes your heart soar with the eagles. It makes you climb mountains. It makes you more than you ever thought you could be. And yet love seems to also be the very thing that makes us feel so vulnerable, so weak, so exposed, to silly.
We all start with such a simplistic and naïve belief system, that if I love you, and you love me, we’ll go through it all. We’ll fight the nay sayers, we’ll prove everybody wrong, we’ll show that we're different. We'll show them that love does conquer all...
And then we fail.
Relationships start to crumble, big rifts appear, feelings fade, fatigue comes in and your heart just doesn’t feel so invincible as it used to be. Love, the glue that was supposed to be holding everything together seems to melt apart. Things aren’t as simple as you first thought them to be. Perhaps, just feeling love for each other isn’t enough. Perhaps you aren’t right for one another. Perhaps the timing isn’t right. Perhaps I’m not ready. Perhaps he/she isn’t ready. Perhaps he/she isn’t good enough. Perhaps I am not good enough.
When doubts creep in, faith in love fades away. What I want, what I need becomes more important than what we want, what we need. Inevitably, one or both sides choose to call it quits. Our own happiness and welfare becomes more important than the relationship, which is seen as a hindrance. In essence, this is almost always why relationships seem to fail.
What do you do when the love you feel doesn’t translate into the relationship you want?
My brother, my sister,
If you love one another, you must be prepared to do what it takes to make it work. And that means you must love the other more than you love yourself, you must be prepared to make sacrifices, you must forgive plenty and expect little, you must give selflessly and submit humbly to one another.
You might say you already know these things. They sound so cliché, so generic, so simple. But you can even do these simple things? Have you kept these simple things in mind at that moment before you lose your anger or utter a hurtful remark?
The primary skill you learn in a relationship isn’t about learning how to accommodate one another in each other’s lives. It’s not about learning how to juggle your work, social life, personal time and relationship. Those things are important. You will learn those things along the way as the relationship progresses. But painful and difficult as they seem, they are only incidental. The true skill you learn is how to relate to one another. As mutual love and respect as your foundation, you must realize that tuning into each other’s heart and feelings are your first and most important steps towards becoming one mind, body and flesh.
When fighting, resist taking the higher ground. Resist trying to win or be proven right if it means hurting the one you love. Please learn that many problems and disagreements between you will take years and months to work themselves out. Learn to disagree without compromising your love and tenderness for one another. Problems are not a reason to stop showing kindness and care.
What if you feel like you’ve done all these things and it’s still not working? What if you feel like you’re putting all the hard work and the other is taking it all for granted? What if you feel like the relationship is lopsided and you aren’t treated fairly? What do you do then?
If you love one another, continue doing it. The pattern of love is similar to the pattern of madness. It makes no sense to put another person’s welfare above your own. But that’s precisely what love is. It goes against the grain of what we are naturally good at – taking care of ourselves.
The art of loving someone is something you learn through tears and heartache. There is no shortcut. There is no way around it. You will find yourself having to ask for forgiveness many times, and you will find yourself having to forgive many times. You will find yourself having to make sacrifice over sacrifice. It’s painful and it’s hard. But it is a labour of love. Both of you must uphold your duty to love the other. Don’t wait for each other. Start with yourself. You are both one half of the pillar that holds up your relationship. Please let this sink in.
Do not doubt if it will ever be worth the sacrifice. Do not ask if you will get back as much as you have given. There is no place for an emotional balance sheet when it comes to love. The fruits of love will grow in both the hearts that give and receive it.
I asked “What do you do when the love you feel doesn’t translate into the relationship you want….”
I couldn’t find an answer. But God did.
God found Himself the impossible task of loving a race of people who were sinful, unrepentant and totally estranged from him. But out love love, He wanted to save and repair his relationship with this race of human beings. His love led to Him taking action that was costly to Himself. He sent his son. That was when Christ was born. It was costly. He didn’t care. It was underserved. He didn’t care. It was unasked for. He didn’t care.
If this is how we have been loved, then this is how we must love one another. That’s what you do.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Help From Above
I cry to you, O LORD; I say, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me. Psalms 142: 5-7
If the things I do are right, then vindicate me O God in the eyes of those who deem me evil.
If the things I do are wrong, the open my eyes O God, for me to know the error of my ways.
Teach me O God, to seek your heart.
Teach me O God, to listen when you speak.
Teach me O God, to love like you do.
Give me strength O God, to flee from temptation.
Give me courage O God, to do the things I must
Give me wisdom O God, to discern holiness
Give me humility O God, to conquer my pride
Help me O God.
I have no where else to go,
I have no one else to turn to.
Help me.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Blah..
Hello God.
Yeah. It’s me again. You know how people always say “Same shit, different day”? Yeah well… so far, that doesn’t apply to me. It’s more like different shit, different day, everday.
I know you’ve got all this big plans and all for the universe, for the world, for mankind, and even more me… but really at this moment in this, you really gotta cut me some slack and answer me this:
Why the heck am I here doing what I’m doing? What is it that I’m supposed to learn? What is it that supposed to happen? Where is it you want me to go? What is it you want me to do?
Because very frankly God, I have no idea. Sometimes I think I do, but then you have this knack of throwing curve balls that no one seems able to catch. And since you’re the God of everything, I assume fairly accurately that you do know what’s going on.
According to you “In his heart, man plans his course, but the Lords determines his step.”… True enough, after planning my course, the steps don’t quite tally with the plan. Kinda like sailing. The captain sets his course and navigates accordingly, but in the end, his boat will go only where the sea and its winds will take him.
So where are you taking me God? Where are you taking me? If my job is to walk the paths presented before me, then why THIS path? Why do I find myself doing all THESE things?
In my heart, I think that perhaps if I knew the answer, I’d thread it more boldly, with a better sense of purpose. We all want to know the destination before experiencing the journey. It’s our funny way of gauging if the destination will be worth the journey. All that talk about the journey being the destination itself… well frankly, it doesn’t entire hold water. Journeys are incidental in moving towards a destination. You never set out on a journey for the sake of it, with no destination in mind.
But in many ways, isn’t that exactly how we all start life? We are born, raised, educated and thrown out into society, fully expected to know how to function and contribute. We’re all expected to know just what we want out of life and we want to achieve.
We didn’t ask for this life, though it was gifted to us. And in living it, we are then left to answer WHY this gift was given in the first place. It’s like we’ve all been kidnapped from a previous life and dropped into this Paradise island that’s both a mixture of heaven and hell. And with no visible host, no tour guide, no camp commander, we don’t really know what the heck we are supposed to do on this island.
Sigh.
Don’t mind me. I’m just ranting.
It’s just been a really shitty day.. that’s all.
Cheers everyone… and God.. if you read my blog, if you’re not going to tell me where this train is heading, then at least make the trip a fun one.
Yeah. It’s me again. You know how people always say “Same shit, different day”? Yeah well… so far, that doesn’t apply to me. It’s more like different shit, different day, everday.
I know you’ve got all this big plans and all for the universe, for the world, for mankind, and even more me… but really at this moment in this, you really gotta cut me some slack and answer me this:
Why the heck am I here doing what I’m doing? What is it that I’m supposed to learn? What is it that supposed to happen? Where is it you want me to go? What is it you want me to do?
Because very frankly God, I have no idea. Sometimes I think I do, but then you have this knack of throwing curve balls that no one seems able to catch. And since you’re the God of everything, I assume fairly accurately that you do know what’s going on.
According to you “In his heart, man plans his course, but the Lords determines his step.”… True enough, after planning my course, the steps don’t quite tally with the plan. Kinda like sailing. The captain sets his course and navigates accordingly, but in the end, his boat will go only where the sea and its winds will take him.
So where are you taking me God? Where are you taking me? If my job is to walk the paths presented before me, then why THIS path? Why do I find myself doing all THESE things?
In my heart, I think that perhaps if I knew the answer, I’d thread it more boldly, with a better sense of purpose. We all want to know the destination before experiencing the journey. It’s our funny way of gauging if the destination will be worth the journey. All that talk about the journey being the destination itself… well frankly, it doesn’t entire hold water. Journeys are incidental in moving towards a destination. You never set out on a journey for the sake of it, with no destination in mind.
But in many ways, isn’t that exactly how we all start life? We are born, raised, educated and thrown out into society, fully expected to know how to function and contribute. We’re all expected to know just what we want out of life and we want to achieve.
We didn’t ask for this life, though it was gifted to us. And in living it, we are then left to answer WHY this gift was given in the first place. It’s like we’ve all been kidnapped from a previous life and dropped into this Paradise island that’s both a mixture of heaven and hell. And with no visible host, no tour guide, no camp commander, we don’t really know what the heck we are supposed to do on this island.
Sigh.
Don’t mind me. I’m just ranting.
It’s just been a really shitty day.. that’s all.
Cheers everyone… and God.. if you read my blog, if you’re not going to tell me where this train is heading, then at least make the trip a fun one.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
In Everything Give Thanks
Dear God,
I'd tell you you're great, but you already know that.I'd tell you you're generous and giving, but you already know that. I'd tell you that you are the most abstract, yet most consistently present force in my life, but you already know that too.
You're always there, you always know what's best for everyone. And you always help those who come to you sincerely, humbly and with open hearts. I didn't always know that. But now I do.
Thank you... for everything.
Yours sincerely
Me
I'd tell you you're great, but you already know that.I'd tell you you're generous and giving, but you already know that. I'd tell you that you are the most abstract, yet most consistently present force in my life, but you already know that too.
You're always there, you always know what's best for everyone. And you always help those who come to you sincerely, humbly and with open hearts. I didn't always know that. But now I do.
Thank you... for everything.
Yours sincerely
Me
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Prayer for myselff
Dear God,
I’m sorry. Please help me. I cannot do this myself. Please change my heart. Give me strength to turn away from all these sins I secretly desire. Break me from these chains. Free me from my own prison. I see what it has done to me. I see what it will do to me, if I do not stop.
Give me the will to want what is right. Because right now, I don’t want what is right, or what is pure or what is righteous. I don’t. Instead, all I want is what is fun, what is exciting, what feels good. And I can’t stop wanting these things. Every time I resolve to stop, it comes back again and again bigger and stronger. A war breaks out in my soul, and the part of me is righteous – it’s never allowed to win.
Thank you for today. Thank you for planting in me this conscience. I celebrate a small victory today, in trying to defeat this demon inside me. Though my heart resisted all the way and my hand turned heavy, I know deep down inside that I did the right thing, even if it feels lousy for now. Victory isn’t always followed by euphoria.
But I’m afraid. I don’t know how long this victory will last before sin quietly creeps up to me again and I slip back into the same old me all over again.
I know I have said this prayer before. But I must say it again. Help me dear God… let this dark hidden ugly part of me die once and all…
From
Me
I’m sorry. Please help me. I cannot do this myself. Please change my heart. Give me strength to turn away from all these sins I secretly desire. Break me from these chains. Free me from my own prison. I see what it has done to me. I see what it will do to me, if I do not stop.
Give me the will to want what is right. Because right now, I don’t want what is right, or what is pure or what is righteous. I don’t. Instead, all I want is what is fun, what is exciting, what feels good. And I can’t stop wanting these things. Every time I resolve to stop, it comes back again and again bigger and stronger. A war breaks out in my soul, and the part of me is righteous – it’s never allowed to win.
Thank you for today. Thank you for planting in me this conscience. I celebrate a small victory today, in trying to defeat this demon inside me. Though my heart resisted all the way and my hand turned heavy, I know deep down inside that I did the right thing, even if it feels lousy for now. Victory isn’t always followed by euphoria.
But I’m afraid. I don’t know how long this victory will last before sin quietly creeps up to me again and I slip back into the same old me all over again.
I know I have said this prayer before. But I must say it again. Help me dear God… let this dark hidden ugly part of me die once and all…
From
Me
Why You Get to Choose
I spoke once to a guy about God and he had this to say to me…
“If God really wants us to be free, then why all these rules? Why all these commandments? Why all these thou shall not do this, thou shall not do that? If I fail to keep them because I was too weak, isn’t it his own fault? Because it was he who made me this way in the first place.”
“You mean in other words – everything is His fault right?”
“Yeah…”
“True… but you’re missing something. God said don’t do this and don’t do that. But he still left it up to us to decide for ourselves. He still gave us free will…”
“Yeah, well if He wants us to obey Him so much, why doesn’t He just control us and make us completely obedient? Why free will if it’s so much trouble? Why free will if you know we might very well choose something else?”
“Aaah… good point. But imagine this. You have a son. He’s your flesh and blood. Everything about him reminds you of yourself and you love him to bits. Would you want your son to be obedient to you?”
“Well………. Yes.”
“And when he obeys you, would you want him to do it because he fears you and has to, or because he loves you and WANTS to?”
“Of course… I will want him to WANT to.”
“And if he DOESN’T obey you and rebels, will you not still love him and want to see him come back to you one day?
“Yes….”
“Then you have your answer... and the answer in a word... is LOVE”
We are all given the privilege of free will for a reason.
Sadly, we often forget why.
“If God really wants us to be free, then why all these rules? Why all these commandments? Why all these thou shall not do this, thou shall not do that? If I fail to keep them because I was too weak, isn’t it his own fault? Because it was he who made me this way in the first place.”
“You mean in other words – everything is His fault right?”
“Yeah…”
“True… but you’re missing something. God said don’t do this and don’t do that. But he still left it up to us to decide for ourselves. He still gave us free will…”
“Yeah, well if He wants us to obey Him so much, why doesn’t He just control us and make us completely obedient? Why free will if it’s so much trouble? Why free will if you know we might very well choose something else?”
“Aaah… good point. But imagine this. You have a son. He’s your flesh and blood. Everything about him reminds you of yourself and you love him to bits. Would you want your son to be obedient to you?”
“Well………. Yes.”
“And when he obeys you, would you want him to do it because he fears you and has to, or because he loves you and WANTS to?”
“Of course… I will want him to WANT to.”
“And if he DOESN’T obey you and rebels, will you not still love him and want to see him come back to you one day?
“Yes….”
“Then you have your answer... and the answer in a word... is LOVE”
We are all given the privilege of free will for a reason.
Sadly, we often forget why.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
In Heaven
“I think you would like my daughter. Want to see how she looks like?”
“Oh? You think so? Sure..let me see.”
She takes her phone out and show me a picture of a pretty young girl in her twenties.
“Pretty… takes after her mom I suppose? Where is she now?”
“In heaven……………died in a fire.”
“Oh… I’m so sorry………long time ago?”
“It’s OK. Just last year actually…”
I too shocked to say anything for a few seconds. My heart sank. From behind that smile came a deep sadness when she talked about her daughter.
“We were very close. People used to say we were more like sisters. We’d talk to each other about everything….even about sex.”
“How did it happen?”
“They say it was the electrical socket that caught fire. She got trapped inside… I lost everything in that fire. By the end of the day, I only had the cloths on my back.”
I dared not ask anymore. The thought of this persons daughter dying so tragically in a fired was a bit overwhelming. To listen to her talk about it so candidly barely a year later was also another thing. I still find myself not very good at dealing with death.
I know no parent would even want to see their children go before them. They want to die knowing their children live on. In one of those rare show of emotions, my father once shared with me that he had a dream; and in it I died in front of him. It shook him so badly that he woke up from his sleep palpitating and sweating. I looked at him and I could see that it was a thought that genuinely disturbed him.
I think I understood perfectly. When I was 6, I dreamt that I was digging a grave for my father and mother during twilight. The sky was orange, I was sobbing and I was using a shovel to move the dirt. It disturbed me so much I woke up crying and ran next door to my parents room, banging the door telling them not to die.
People have asked me why I believe in God. And this is one of those reasons why - death. I don’t know how to live life and not despair if all there was to it was to be born, live, suffer, then die, the end. I cannot believe that life on earth is pointless… because every fibre of my being, every strand of my existence tells me that we are here for a reason. There is a meaning to all of this. And that meaning is found in the divine.
That night as I drove home, I thought about what more I could have said to comfort her. Perhaps I could have said that she's in a better plance now, with God.. But it’s hard to talk to someone about heaven when the word ‘God’ and ‘faith’ isn’t in their dictionary. Then I remember what she said in the beginning... She said her daughter was "In heaven..."
Funny how people can live their life completely ignoring God, yet talk about heaven when faced with death.
“Oh? You think so? Sure..let me see.”
She takes her phone out and show me a picture of a pretty young girl in her twenties.
“Pretty… takes after her mom I suppose? Where is she now?”
“In heaven……………died in a fire.”
“Oh… I’m so sorry………long time ago?”
“It’s OK. Just last year actually…”
I too shocked to say anything for a few seconds. My heart sank. From behind that smile came a deep sadness when she talked about her daughter.
“We were very close. People used to say we were more like sisters. We’d talk to each other about everything….even about sex.”
“How did it happen?”
“They say it was the electrical socket that caught fire. She got trapped inside… I lost everything in that fire. By the end of the day, I only had the cloths on my back.”
I dared not ask anymore. The thought of this persons daughter dying so tragically in a fired was a bit overwhelming. To listen to her talk about it so candidly barely a year later was also another thing. I still find myself not very good at dealing with death.
I know no parent would even want to see their children go before them. They want to die knowing their children live on. In one of those rare show of emotions, my father once shared with me that he had a dream; and in it I died in front of him. It shook him so badly that he woke up from his sleep palpitating and sweating. I looked at him and I could see that it was a thought that genuinely disturbed him.
I think I understood perfectly. When I was 6, I dreamt that I was digging a grave for my father and mother during twilight. The sky was orange, I was sobbing and I was using a shovel to move the dirt. It disturbed me so much I woke up crying and ran next door to my parents room, banging the door telling them not to die.
People have asked me why I believe in God. And this is one of those reasons why - death. I don’t know how to live life and not despair if all there was to it was to be born, live, suffer, then die, the end. I cannot believe that life on earth is pointless… because every fibre of my being, every strand of my existence tells me that we are here for a reason. There is a meaning to all of this. And that meaning is found in the divine.
That night as I drove home, I thought about what more I could have said to comfort her. Perhaps I could have said that she's in a better plance now, with God.. But it’s hard to talk to someone about heaven when the word ‘God’ and ‘faith’ isn’t in their dictionary. Then I remember what she said in the beginning... She said her daughter was "In heaven..."
Funny how people can live their life completely ignoring God, yet talk about heaven when faced with death.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Season Greetings
It's that time of the year again.
I've always loved Christmas time. As a Christian, Christmas is one of the most significant celebrations in all of human history, matched perhaps only by Easter. It is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus
Christ, the man we outrageously claim to be the Son of God; who came to earth to die for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God again.
Anyway, this years Christmas will be a particularly meaningful one for me. I'm getting baptized on Christmas day.
For those of you who don't know what that means, it's basically when a christian is dunked into water in the presence of the entire church. When he does this, magical properties in the blessed water will
transform you into a Mother Theresa like saint and you're officially allowed to rebuke people and exorcise demons. It also means that you're allowed to take a nibble at the last supper a.k.a 'super bread' that all Christians know make you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
But jokes aside..
Baptism IS a big deal, but not in the way I talk about above. There's nothing magical about the water nor the ceremony... And there's nothing magical about the communion bread that's taken either. Baptism is merely an outward sign of what Christians believe should have already be present within - and that's the presence of God and its transforming effects on our lives. Baptism doesn't 'make' you a Christian. Baptism isn't your passport to heaven and baptism doesn't make you any better than other unbaptised people.
Rather, baptism is YOUR outward act of profession to others that you are now a follower of Christ and submit to his will. It's about you 'dying to self' aka stop living like you're the king of your own life and being 'born into christ' aka acknowledging that you actually have a Big Boss upstairs you need to love and obey with all your heart.
There was a testimony I had to give to the pastor before we could proceed... And I gave a rather emotional one...which I will not repeat now. Suffice to say that for me personally in my own walk with God, this baptism will mean a lot to me....
God has a funny way of making things work out, not in the way we want, but the way he knows is best. And that has been true for me for the past ten years of my life. If you aren't a Christian, or you don't believe in God, or you think you're doing pretty well and don't really need God to start butting
into your affairs, I urge you to start exploring. Because whether you realize it or not, the love of God is already inside and all around each and every one of us.... You just need to know how to see it.
God bless you my friend...
I've always loved Christmas time. As a Christian, Christmas is one of the most significant celebrations in all of human history, matched perhaps only by Easter. It is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus
Christ, the man we outrageously claim to be the Son of God; who came to earth to die for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God again.
Anyway, this years Christmas will be a particularly meaningful one for me. I'm getting baptized on Christmas day.
For those of you who don't know what that means, it's basically when a christian is dunked into water in the presence of the entire church. When he does this, magical properties in the blessed water will
transform you into a Mother Theresa like saint and you're officially allowed to rebuke people and exorcise demons. It also means that you're allowed to take a nibble at the last supper a.k.a 'super bread' that all Christians know make you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
But jokes aside..
Baptism IS a big deal, but not in the way I talk about above. There's nothing magical about the water nor the ceremony... And there's nothing magical about the communion bread that's taken either. Baptism is merely an outward sign of what Christians believe should have already be present within - and that's the presence of God and its transforming effects on our lives. Baptism doesn't 'make' you a Christian. Baptism isn't your passport to heaven and baptism doesn't make you any better than other unbaptised people.
Rather, baptism is YOUR outward act of profession to others that you are now a follower of Christ and submit to his will. It's about you 'dying to self' aka stop living like you're the king of your own life and being 'born into christ' aka acknowledging that you actually have a Big Boss upstairs you need to love and obey with all your heart.
There was a testimony I had to give to the pastor before we could proceed... And I gave a rather emotional one...which I will not repeat now. Suffice to say that for me personally in my own walk with God, this baptism will mean a lot to me....
God has a funny way of making things work out, not in the way we want, but the way he knows is best. And that has been true for me for the past ten years of my life. If you aren't a Christian, or you don't believe in God, or you think you're doing pretty well and don't really need God to start butting
into your affairs, I urge you to start exploring. Because whether you realize it or not, the love of God is already inside and all around each and every one of us.... You just need to know how to see it.
God bless you my friend...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Let Go..
You think you’ve got it all figured out, but you don’t. You think you know what you want, but you don’t. You think that you don’t care, but you will. You think that this feeling you have inside is all that matters, but it isn’t. You think everyone’s against you, they aren’t. You think the problem is that no one understands you. But in truth, the real problem is, you don’t understand yourself.
I feel your pain. Other people tell you to start using more of your head and less of your heart. But I disagree. Man cannot live life disregarding to his emotions. We are as much emotional beings as we are logical ones. To do only the ‘correct’ thing all the time every time robs us of our humanity, cheats us of our compassion. And to me, it is a good thing that you have chosen to go through life without denying what you feel inside. Many people take the less painful road of pretending they don’t feel what they feel in their hearts simply because it’s easier. And you have not.
You find yourself face with a tough choice to make.
You’re all gung ho now thinking how ready you are now to make a choice. But like I told you, there is a price to pay for everything decision you make in life. Hold your horses and give it some thought. How far are you willing to go? What is the price you are willing to pay? You may spend the rest of your life living with the effects of this decision. Are you prepared for that?
A lot of people will tell you to do this or do that. And you feel like they don’t really understand you enough to give you correct advice. And it’s true. They may not really know any better. They might be wrong in their opinion, but their intentions are right.
Make this decision and you must be prepared for the world to turn its back on you; you will be mocked, sneered and laughed at for making a bad choice. And though you may feel in your heart that it is in fact the right one, be prepared to swallow the bitter pill of being proven wrong.
Make that decision, and you can expect to receive nodding approvals from the world over; you’ll be patted on the back for finally coming to your senses and making good and sound decisions. But be prepared to see just how wrong other people can be.
It sounds impossible doesn’t it?
What I’m trying to say is, ultimately, it boils down to you. You must live with the decisions you make in life. There is no one to blame; not other people, not even yourself. It’s part of growing up. People often worry about making the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision in life.. Like it or not, you will have to make decisions at many crossroads in life. Some will be easy, some will be hard. Some will be merely academic, some will be critical. Some will have no consequences at all, some will be life changing… Some will lead you through muddy roads, some through smooth highways and some even to dead ends. Whichever ones you end up on, it is still you having to make the journey, not others.
To me, the ‘right’ decision simply means finding myself on the road I gladly thread on, be it in muddy roads, smooth highways or dead ends. A road travelled with a happy heart will always be the right one – wherever that leads you. You may have to pay or suffer much for it, you may find yourself having to make a U-turn, but if given a chance you’d still do it all over again, … I’d say the price you pay was well worth it. We like to imagine that there is this ‘one road’ that is the ‘right one’. But to me, what’s more important than which road you take is how you chose to journey it. A road – any road travelled in the right way, in the right spirit eventually becomes the right one.
You say you’re in love.
I’ll say this much; love is costly. And rightfully so. Everything ever worth having in this life will always come with a great price. You will be made to struggle, sacrifices, and fight for the things you want most badly. You will find yourself being tested to the very ends of your wits. If you say you’re in love, know that love will require you to make expensive sacrifices… sacrifices you will have to make at your own free will. And you don’t know if it’s ever going to pay off at all.
So let me ask you this…Are you sure you what you have is love? Or is it merely an infatuation? Have you really truly come to understand what it means to love someone…and be loved by someone…. not in the romantic I-love-you-like-the-moon-and-the-stars kind of love, but it a very real, sacrificial, unwavering, unconditional sort of way? True love always exhibits selflessness, sacrifice, forgiveness, kindness, humility and honesty. When you say you love this person, and that person loves you back… are there signs of these traits? Are you prepared to translate what you feel inside into real genuine acts on the outside?
Our hearts often get smothered with intense feelings of passion and euphoria.. and we call this love. But love is so much more than that. Love runs deep. It has roots. It’s hard to spot sometimes, because what we see and perceive of love is often only the surface part of it. The real difference is underneath, where the roots run downwards to form the foundation and give it the firmness and staying power. Depth; it’s the difference between a love that will last and love that withers.
You talk about how it’s God that’s putting all of this before you, punishing you for all the bad things you’ve done. You say it’s Karma. Karma means that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. You get as much as you give. And certainly, knowing the things you’ve done it’s easy to want to agree. But I don’t. I cannot believe in Karma. Because I’ve seen good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.
I believe that every obstacle put before us in life is meant for our growth. I believe that when we screw up and make wrong decisions, it’s a reminder of how flawed and imperfect we are, how we should always remain humble, how we should remember not to become arrogant in our ways, and how much we really need help from around and up above. And in some ways, I do believe that’s the lesson you’re meant to learn. You’ve been relying on yourself, relying on your strength thinking it’s what will make you strong. But it’s the very thing that’s causing your downfall. And as long as you pull through on your own, you will never learn the lesson of humility and of putting your truth in something or someone other than yourself.
Let go of the control Alex.
Whatever you choose to do, whatever happens to this love, the wisdom to choose, the courage to act and the strength to persevere will only come once you let go…
I feel your pain. Other people tell you to start using more of your head and less of your heart. But I disagree. Man cannot live life disregarding to his emotions. We are as much emotional beings as we are logical ones. To do only the ‘correct’ thing all the time every time robs us of our humanity, cheats us of our compassion. And to me, it is a good thing that you have chosen to go through life without denying what you feel inside. Many people take the less painful road of pretending they don’t feel what they feel in their hearts simply because it’s easier. And you have not.
You find yourself face with a tough choice to make.
You’re all gung ho now thinking how ready you are now to make a choice. But like I told you, there is a price to pay for everything decision you make in life. Hold your horses and give it some thought. How far are you willing to go? What is the price you are willing to pay? You may spend the rest of your life living with the effects of this decision. Are you prepared for that?
A lot of people will tell you to do this or do that. And you feel like they don’t really understand you enough to give you correct advice. And it’s true. They may not really know any better. They might be wrong in their opinion, but their intentions are right.
Make this decision and you must be prepared for the world to turn its back on you; you will be mocked, sneered and laughed at for making a bad choice. And though you may feel in your heart that it is in fact the right one, be prepared to swallow the bitter pill of being proven wrong.
Make that decision, and you can expect to receive nodding approvals from the world over; you’ll be patted on the back for finally coming to your senses and making good and sound decisions. But be prepared to see just how wrong other people can be.
It sounds impossible doesn’t it?
What I’m trying to say is, ultimately, it boils down to you. You must live with the decisions you make in life. There is no one to blame; not other people, not even yourself. It’s part of growing up. People often worry about making the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision in life.. Like it or not, you will have to make decisions at many crossroads in life. Some will be easy, some will be hard. Some will be merely academic, some will be critical. Some will have no consequences at all, some will be life changing… Some will lead you through muddy roads, some through smooth highways and some even to dead ends. Whichever ones you end up on, it is still you having to make the journey, not others.
To me, the ‘right’ decision simply means finding myself on the road I gladly thread on, be it in muddy roads, smooth highways or dead ends. A road travelled with a happy heart will always be the right one – wherever that leads you. You may have to pay or suffer much for it, you may find yourself having to make a U-turn, but if given a chance you’d still do it all over again, … I’d say the price you pay was well worth it. We like to imagine that there is this ‘one road’ that is the ‘right one’. But to me, what’s more important than which road you take is how you chose to journey it. A road – any road travelled in the right way, in the right spirit eventually becomes the right one.
You say you’re in love.
I’ll say this much; love is costly. And rightfully so. Everything ever worth having in this life will always come with a great price. You will be made to struggle, sacrifices, and fight for the things you want most badly. You will find yourself being tested to the very ends of your wits. If you say you’re in love, know that love will require you to make expensive sacrifices… sacrifices you will have to make at your own free will. And you don’t know if it’s ever going to pay off at all.
So let me ask you this…Are you sure you what you have is love? Or is it merely an infatuation? Have you really truly come to understand what it means to love someone…and be loved by someone…. not in the romantic I-love-you-like-the-moon-and-the-stars kind of love, but it a very real, sacrificial, unwavering, unconditional sort of way? True love always exhibits selflessness, sacrifice, forgiveness, kindness, humility and honesty. When you say you love this person, and that person loves you back… are there signs of these traits? Are you prepared to translate what you feel inside into real genuine acts on the outside?
Our hearts often get smothered with intense feelings of passion and euphoria.. and we call this love. But love is so much more than that. Love runs deep. It has roots. It’s hard to spot sometimes, because what we see and perceive of love is often only the surface part of it. The real difference is underneath, where the roots run downwards to form the foundation and give it the firmness and staying power. Depth; it’s the difference between a love that will last and love that withers.
You talk about how it’s God that’s putting all of this before you, punishing you for all the bad things you’ve done. You say it’s Karma. Karma means that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. You get as much as you give. And certainly, knowing the things you’ve done it’s easy to want to agree. But I don’t. I cannot believe in Karma. Because I’ve seen good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.
I believe that every obstacle put before us in life is meant for our growth. I believe that when we screw up and make wrong decisions, it’s a reminder of how flawed and imperfect we are, how we should always remain humble, how we should remember not to become arrogant in our ways, and how much we really need help from around and up above. And in some ways, I do believe that’s the lesson you’re meant to learn. You’ve been relying on yourself, relying on your strength thinking it’s what will make you strong. But it’s the very thing that’s causing your downfall. And as long as you pull through on your own, you will never learn the lesson of humility and of putting your truth in something or someone other than yourself.
Let go of the control Alex.
Whatever you choose to do, whatever happens to this love, the wisdom to choose, the courage to act and the strength to persevere will only come once you let go…
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Counting My Blessings...
Dear God
Thank you for:
Thank you for:
- Family.I realized thatt as small as my family is, we love each other and we take care of each other. And I realize that family isn't just whose related to you by blood... it's also those who love you no matter what.
- Genuine & sincere friends. Its good to know there are people out there who love you and care for you not because they have to, but because they want to.
- Giving me a conscience. Although I'm eternally struggling with my conscience, I'm grateful nonetheless for it. Because it helps me know what is right and what is wrong; when to back down and when to make a stand; when to forgive and when not to forget. It has been my greatest guide so far in life.
- Faith. It's a weak and undeveloped one. But I believe its there never the less. Its the thing that keeps me believe that whatever life throws my way, it is not without rhyme or reason. Is is the thing that makes me believe that when God puts an obstacle before you, He doesn't do it without giving you a means to overcome it. It's the thing that makes me belife that eventhough life is hard sometimes. we need not be disheartened. It is such that the challenges you face will always be just a bit beyond your current reach, but always within your eventual height... That way, you are always growing.
Ten million dollars.A sense of humour. :-) Thank you for giving me the joy of laughter.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Why Do I Believe In God?
Someone just asked me on this blog... "Why do you believe in God?"
I’ve been asked that question before… but I still find that the answer isn't as as simple as I’d like it to be. I'm still working on simplifying it further. I guess the short answer would be another question.. ‘How do you NOT believe in God?”
I wrote an open letter to God once a few months ago briefly explaining my convictions (here) but the bottom line to me is this – it makes more sense to believe in God than it is to try to deny it.
I’m a Christian. I believe in the historical and factual account of a person named Jesus Christ… I’m sure you’ve heard the story. But I don’t want this to turn into some sort of evangelistic essay, so to be objective….. let me take a crack at this without any reference to my personal religious convictions…..
Look around you. Look at the earth, look at nature and look at the miracle of life…. Have you ever stopped to wonder how is it that there exist such a complex and sophisticated universe one there and here on earth? And in the sheer complexity of creation, why is it that everything hasn't fallen into chaos? Why is it that be in physics, biology, astronomy, geology, chemistry and what-ever-else-ology... there is consistent sign of elegant, deliberate architecture? Does it really make sense to suggest that everything happened out of probability and chance? Randomness is messy, chaotic and disorganized. You don’t see that in life or in the universe. Instead, you see designs, patterns everywhere... How come?
‘The answer is in science’ some people might say.
And to a large extent, they will be right. Science IS capable of explaining a lot of the life’s questions. It will tell you how systems interact, how molecules behave, how energy flows, and maybe in the future, how life itself is created. But even if and when that day comes when science is able to answer every mystery in existence, you still have to go back to beginning of time and ask how it all began. Even if science gets so advance that we finally know how to create life at will, then my question is “At whose will was life first created at the beginning of time?” If will and desire is the prerequisite of life, is it really so hard to believe that a Creator pre-existed before life as we knew it came to be? Is it really so hard to take the wonders of creation as the signs of a Creator... whatever you may want to name him?
And after answering all the which’s , when’s, how’s and what’s of life… there is still one last question to life that needs to be asked.....… WHY? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Hasn’t just about everyone asked themselves this question? I certainly have... The pursuit of meaning is something universal in all of us.
If you read a lot of Richard Dawkins, you probably believe more in The Theory of Evolution and Natural Selection rather than the existence of a Divine Creator. And while I’m so painfully ill qualified to put up sound arguments against someone as well established and intelligent as Richard Dawkins, I dare confidently say that these fancy philosophy of atheism, secular humanism and evolutionary biology isn’t the complete answer to the question of life.
Ask Richard Dawkins what is the meaning of life and why we are here, and chances are he will tell you that it’s to ‘propagate the species’. THAT is their answer to the why. To exist is the means and the ends in itself. In layman’s terms, it means we’re all here just to life, eat, breed then die…. And between just try to be happy. THAT’s life.
Is that answer enough for you?
I’d bet not. Why not? Because if it was, we wouldn’t be groaning and debating about the issue anymore. If this was the final and complete truth, we would believe it not just in our minds but also in our hearts. All doubts will disappear. All debates will cease.
But just look at history. Look at all of civilization past and present. Why is it that wherever there exis a civilization, there eixt SOME form of religion? Pagans, Buddhist, Christians, Jewish, Zoroaster, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh,......as different as we all are in our beliefs, why is it that all civilizations somehow ended up worshipping some unknown, invisible, omnipotent Being (or beings) which we label as ‘God’ today? Why do people bother to travel and learn about other people and other ways of life? Why do we dedicate our lives to understanding the world around us? Why do we bother about abstract things like truth, justice, happiness, freedom, self actualization and fulfilment? Let me put this to you; we are all searching for something. There is an unquenched thirst in us that we are trying to satisfy. Add it all up…. you will see that it is an unspoken but collective acknowledgement by mankind that there is another dimension to our existence other than logic, rational and emotions. And that is a spiritual dimension. We are as much spiritual beings as we are physical ones. We are trying to quench our spiritual thirst. That’s why we are all preoccupied with the meaning of life. We know that life is more than just the total sum of its physical parts. There is more and that ‘more’ is what we call God….. the one that it all come together. The Theory of Evolution and Evolutionary biology does a great job in explaining away the mechanics of nature… but it does little in explaining the anomaly of the human race. Why we break the mould and behave unlike any others species on earth. Why we search for meaning and animals don’t. Why we eats, sleep and breed more successfully than any other creature on earth yet still feel like something is missing.
The search for God and the debate of faith is more than just about proving facts. It’s about finding emotional truth. We select the facts we embrace based on the truths we accept. A lot people say facts, logics and rationale lead to the beliefs and convictions they have. When in fact, it’s the opposite. We justify our emotions by using the facts, logics and rationale available to us. This is not to say there are no absolute truths. There is…… but I think that will be revealed only at the end of time, either when Science has figured every damn thing out.. or judgement days arrives, whichever first.
But for now, here’s where we’re at. That the clinical and soulless nature of Science cannot fully satisty the spiritual question we have as human beings… and Religion for what is it today cannot fully be proven by science to be factual and true.
It still boils down to you and me on what you choose to embrace in this life.
I have posed many questions of faith to many different people. I have search far and wide and deep within myself for the truth. Eventually… I found what I believe to be the absolute truth about life…. that God exist, and that he is a real and personal God, that He is both subtle and obvious in His ways, that He is all powerful but also all loving, that He will forgive as surely as he will judge, that we are meant to care and love one another not because we are a similar species, but because that’s what God called us to do……and I’m staking my life on that belief. I might be wrong… but it’s a risk I am will take.
And as for science.. its progress cannot be stopped. In his amazing capacity to perceive and create, the knowledge of man can only grow with time. But it is never to dethrone or debunk the concept of God but rather to reinforce it. Art scholars spend their lives studying the creations of master painters from the past, trying to catch a glimpse of their genuis in the works of their hands. The more they understand the painting - how it was made, why it was made, who it was made for, what its trying to say - the more they understand the mind of the painter himself.... And to me, that is what science is. It is us trying to understand the greatest masterpieces of all time - creation itself, and in doing so, catch a glimpse of the heart and mind of the Master Creator - God.
How about you? If you and I take the risk of believing this unproven concept of God and end up wrong, what will you have really lost? If there is no God, then truly what we’re here to do is just eat, sleep, breed and die……… which we are already doing pretty well anyway. On the other hand, if you choose not to believe, and God really turns out to be everything He said he is…. what then my friend? What then?
There’s a beautiful quote I read somewhere on a blog I read that goes:
It's not directly about God... but it is a very poignant reminder about about how we choose to live. Will you not take a leap of faith? Think about it…..
P/S: To whoever it is that asked that question.. sorry if I’m going overboard with my answer! :-P I guess it’s just one of those questions you can’t answer without a speech! Cheers….
I’ve been asked that question before… but I still find that the answer isn't as as simple as I’d like it to be. I'm still working on simplifying it further. I guess the short answer would be another question.. ‘How do you NOT believe in God?”
I wrote an open letter to God once a few months ago briefly explaining my convictions (here) but the bottom line to me is this – it makes more sense to believe in God than it is to try to deny it.
I’m a Christian. I believe in the historical and factual account of a person named Jesus Christ… I’m sure you’ve heard the story. But I don’t want this to turn into some sort of evangelistic essay, so to be objective….. let me take a crack at this without any reference to my personal religious convictions…..
Look around you. Look at the earth, look at nature and look at the miracle of life…. Have you ever stopped to wonder how is it that there exist such a complex and sophisticated universe one there and here on earth? And in the sheer complexity of creation, why is it that everything hasn't fallen into chaos? Why is it that be in physics, biology, astronomy, geology, chemistry and what-ever-else-ology... there is consistent sign of elegant, deliberate architecture? Does it really make sense to suggest that everything happened out of probability and chance? Randomness is messy, chaotic and disorganized. You don’t see that in life or in the universe. Instead, you see designs, patterns everywhere... How come?
‘The answer is in science’ some people might say.
And to a large extent, they will be right. Science IS capable of explaining a lot of the life’s questions. It will tell you how systems interact, how molecules behave, how energy flows, and maybe in the future, how life itself is created. But even if and when that day comes when science is able to answer every mystery in existence, you still have to go back to beginning of time and ask how it all began. Even if science gets so advance that we finally know how to create life at will, then my question is “At whose will was life first created at the beginning of time?” If will and desire is the prerequisite of life, is it really so hard to believe that a Creator pre-existed before life as we knew it came to be? Is it really so hard to take the wonders of creation as the signs of a Creator... whatever you may want to name him?
And after answering all the which’s , when’s, how’s and what’s of life… there is still one last question to life that needs to be asked.....… WHY? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Hasn’t just about everyone asked themselves this question? I certainly have... The pursuit of meaning is something universal in all of us.
If you read a lot of Richard Dawkins, you probably believe more in The Theory of Evolution and Natural Selection rather than the existence of a Divine Creator. And while I’m so painfully ill qualified to put up sound arguments against someone as well established and intelligent as Richard Dawkins, I dare confidently say that these fancy philosophy of atheism, secular humanism and evolutionary biology isn’t the complete answer to the question of life.
Ask Richard Dawkins what is the meaning of life and why we are here, and chances are he will tell you that it’s to ‘propagate the species’. THAT is their answer to the why. To exist is the means and the ends in itself. In layman’s terms, it means we’re all here just to life, eat, breed then die…. And between just try to be happy. THAT’s life.
Is that answer enough for you?
I’d bet not. Why not? Because if it was, we wouldn’t be groaning and debating about the issue anymore. If this was the final and complete truth, we would believe it not just in our minds but also in our hearts. All doubts will disappear. All debates will cease.
But just look at history. Look at all of civilization past and present. Why is it that wherever there exis a civilization, there eixt SOME form of religion? Pagans, Buddhist, Christians, Jewish, Zoroaster, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh,......as different as we all are in our beliefs, why is it that all civilizations somehow ended up worshipping some unknown, invisible, omnipotent Being (or beings) which we label as ‘God’ today? Why do people bother to travel and learn about other people and other ways of life? Why do we dedicate our lives to understanding the world around us? Why do we bother about abstract things like truth, justice, happiness, freedom, self actualization and fulfilment? Let me put this to you; we are all searching for something. There is an unquenched thirst in us that we are trying to satisfy. Add it all up…. you will see that it is an unspoken but collective acknowledgement by mankind that there is another dimension to our existence other than logic, rational and emotions. And that is a spiritual dimension. We are as much spiritual beings as we are physical ones. We are trying to quench our spiritual thirst. That’s why we are all preoccupied with the meaning of life. We know that life is more than just the total sum of its physical parts. There is more and that ‘more’ is what we call God….. the one that it all come together. The Theory of Evolution and Evolutionary biology does a great job in explaining away the mechanics of nature… but it does little in explaining the anomaly of the human race. Why we break the mould and behave unlike any others species on earth. Why we search for meaning and animals don’t. Why we eats, sleep and breed more successfully than any other creature on earth yet still feel like something is missing.
The search for God and the debate of faith is more than just about proving facts. It’s about finding emotional truth. We select the facts we embrace based on the truths we accept. A lot people say facts, logics and rationale lead to the beliefs and convictions they have. When in fact, it’s the opposite. We justify our emotions by using the facts, logics and rationale available to us. This is not to say there are no absolute truths. There is…… but I think that will be revealed only at the end of time, either when Science has figured every damn thing out.. or judgement days arrives, whichever first.
But for now, here’s where we’re at. That the clinical and soulless nature of Science cannot fully satisty the spiritual question we have as human beings… and Religion for what is it today cannot fully be proven by science to be factual and true.
It still boils down to you and me on what you choose to embrace in this life.
I have posed many questions of faith to many different people. I have search far and wide and deep within myself for the truth. Eventually… I found what I believe to be the absolute truth about life…. that God exist, and that he is a real and personal God, that He is both subtle and obvious in His ways, that He is all powerful but also all loving, that He will forgive as surely as he will judge, that we are meant to care and love one another not because we are a similar species, but because that’s what God called us to do……and I’m staking my life on that belief. I might be wrong… but it’s a risk I am will take.
And as for science.. its progress cannot be stopped. In his amazing capacity to perceive and create, the knowledge of man can only grow with time. But it is never to dethrone or debunk the concept of God but rather to reinforce it. Art scholars spend their lives studying the creations of master painters from the past, trying to catch a glimpse of their genuis in the works of their hands. The more they understand the painting - how it was made, why it was made, who it was made for, what its trying to say - the more they understand the mind of the painter himself.... And to me, that is what science is. It is us trying to understand the greatest masterpieces of all time - creation itself, and in doing so, catch a glimpse of the heart and mind of the Master Creator - God.
How about you? If you and I take the risk of believing this unproven concept of God and end up wrong, what will you have really lost? If there is no God, then truly what we’re here to do is just eat, sleep, breed and die……… which we are already doing pretty well anyway. On the other hand, if you choose not to believe, and God really turns out to be everything He said he is…. what then my friend? What then?
There’s a beautiful quote I read somewhere on a blog I read that goes:
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
-William Arthur Ward
It's not directly about God... but it is a very poignant reminder about about how we choose to live. Will you not take a leap of faith? Think about it…..
P/S: To whoever it is that asked that question.. sorry if I’m going overboard with my answer! :-P I guess it’s just one of those questions you can’t answer without a speech! Cheers….
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A Prayer
I read somewhere once that God is better at answering our prayers than we are at making them. That He knows what's in your heart long before you kneel down and pray. That when praying, you don't really need any words, because God knows exactly what's in your heart... and what's in our hearts often transcend words.
Have you ever felt like that? Like words, with in all its richness in vocabulary and grammar and syntax still cannot fully express what we feel inside? I believe that's how and why songs first came about. They help us express in melody and tone what words alone cannot do.
I have felt that way quite a few times in my life... when words were simply not enough. So much so you just end up saying nothing.
Anyway, I said a prayer last. (which is a rare thing really). But it was a prayer without words.
I'm kinda hoping that in my silence, He will know better than me what exactly is in my heart.. becase frankly, I sometimes I just have no idea...
Have you ever felt like that? Like words, with in all its richness in vocabulary and grammar and syntax still cannot fully express what we feel inside? I believe that's how and why songs first came about. They help us express in melody and tone what words alone cannot do.
I have felt that way quite a few times in my life... when words were simply not enough. So much so you just end up saying nothing.
Anyway, I said a prayer last. (which is a rare thing really). But it was a prayer without words.
I'm kinda hoping that in my silence, He will know better than me what exactly is in my heart.. becase frankly, I sometimes I just have no idea...
Friday, August 13, 2010
A confession
I’m a serious person. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.
Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.
A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.
(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)
There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.
I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.
I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.
Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.
Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….
Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.
Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.
God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.
An admission;
A confession;
I’m lonely.
I’m shattered.
I’m depressed.
Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.
A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.
(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)
There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.
I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.
I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.
Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.
Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….
Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.
Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.
God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.
An admission;
A confession;
I’m lonely.
I’m shattered.
I’m depressed.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I Never Knew You
“Do you know God Ma?”
“What do you mean?”
“As in…. do you know God personally? You know how they keep emphasizing on how it’s different it is to know a lot ABOUT God , but not really KNOW God at all?...”
“mmHmmmm….”
“I don’t know if I know God. At least, I’m not sure. I don’t know if what I have is genuine. I don’t know if I really have any sort of relationship with God… Wasn’t there some sort of verse where Jesus talks about how not everyone who comes to me and says ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven?.......That he will say “I Never Knew You..” even to some who prophesized and performed miracles in His name? How do I know if I’m having a relationship with God?”
It all sounded like very basic questions for some sort of new born Christian I guess. But it was one of the things on my mind of late. I don’t know if I’m going through some sort of identity crisis or religious crisis, quarter life crisis.. or just a good old fashion emotional meltdown. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been questioning myself more than ever. I find myself doubting my own abilities, doubting my own heart, doubting my own worth. And one of it was this… I was questioning my own faith. I’m not sure if what I had was genuine. For all I knew, I could really be just some semblance of a Christian all this while without actually being one. I haven't exactly been Mr. Repentant all these while
“It’s true. Sometimes, you can see people learn so much about Scripture and of God, but their lives do not reflect one bit on what they learned.”
I felt that way. I didn’t think the way I think and the way I lived was anywhere near what was required of a Christian. If Ann Rice thought that she had leave Christian circles because they weren’t Christian enough, here I am thinking perhaps I don’t belong because I’m not Christian enough.
“So what do you think? Do you think I have relationship with God?”
“I think you do…..”
“How do I know that’s true?”
“If you find yourself relying on God, depending on him, and believing that He is in control of your life, and that He’s there by your side, and that He’s there to help you in the things that you do…. then I’d say, you already have a relationship with God.”
Do I have that? I don’t know….. but I think I maybe I do… even if it’s just a little perhaps. Good enough to be a righteous, sanctified person? I don’t think so. But I hope at least enough that when I die some day, I will not be on the receiving end of the words “I never knew you….”
“What do you mean?”
“As in…. do you know God personally? You know how they keep emphasizing on how it’s different it is to know a lot ABOUT God , but not really KNOW God at all?...”
“mmHmmmm….”
“I don’t know if I know God. At least, I’m not sure. I don’t know if what I have is genuine. I don’t know if I really have any sort of relationship with God… Wasn’t there some sort of verse where Jesus talks about how not everyone who comes to me and says ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven?.......That he will say “I Never Knew You..” even to some who prophesized and performed miracles in His name? How do I know if I’m having a relationship with God?”
It all sounded like very basic questions for some sort of new born Christian I guess. But it was one of the things on my mind of late. I don’t know if I’m going through some sort of identity crisis or religious crisis, quarter life crisis.. or just a good old fashion emotional meltdown. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been questioning myself more than ever. I find myself doubting my own abilities, doubting my own heart, doubting my own worth. And one of it was this… I was questioning my own faith. I’m not sure if what I had was genuine. For all I knew, I could really be just some semblance of a Christian all this while without actually being one. I haven't exactly been Mr. Repentant all these while
“It’s true. Sometimes, you can see people learn so much about Scripture and of God, but their lives do not reflect one bit on what they learned.”
I felt that way. I didn’t think the way I think and the way I lived was anywhere near what was required of a Christian. If Ann Rice thought that she had leave Christian circles because they weren’t Christian enough, here I am thinking perhaps I don’t belong because I’m not Christian enough.
“So what do you think? Do you think I have relationship with God?”
“I think you do…..”
“How do I know that’s true?”
“If you find yourself relying on God, depending on him, and believing that He is in control of your life, and that He’s there by your side, and that He’s there to help you in the things that you do…. then I’d say, you already have a relationship with God.”
Do I have that? I don’t know….. but I think I maybe I do… even if it’s just a little perhaps. Good enough to be a righteous, sanctified person? I don’t think so. But I hope at least enough that when I die some day, I will not be on the receiving end of the words “I never knew you….”
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
As A Pleasing Sacrifice
Father Lord,
I drove home in silence with an unexplainable heaviness in my heart tonight. I feel broken. I feel beaten. I feel shattered. I feel scared. I cannot do it. Not on my own. I have not the courage. I have not the strength. I have not the wisdom. I fear my disobedient heart. I resent my untamed desires. I despair at my feeble faith. I am weak dear God. I fear not just for myself, but for those I love and care for. I cannot pretend to know how to live life. I cannot pretend to know how things work. I can't even get my own mind and heart straighten out oh God... how am I to guide others in the right way? I have given up trying to find the answers to everything in life. I know only that everything that happens, happens through the guidance of your unseen hand. Nothing that happens on this side of heaven ever happens without your consent and control...
Allow me this prayer tonight dear God. As unworthy and sinful and unrepentant as I am.. allow me this prayer..That I may let go. That I may stop trying to control my own life. That my life be guided not by my own will but by Yours. That you may guide my life, my decisions, my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my words... and every fibre of my being... for my own good, for the good of those I love, for the good of others, for the good of God.
I sing this song in prayer to you tonight dear God. Let me offer my life to you... because there is nothing else of value I can offer except that...
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, all of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, all of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life
Amen
Friday, July 30, 2010
When Ideals Fail
I’ve been tossing and turning, but I can’t sleep.
Truth is, my heart is disturbed.
I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.
Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.
Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.
I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.
It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.
I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.
But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?
I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.
My ideals had been proven foolish after all.
How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.
I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.
See what I have become?
Truth is, my heart is disturbed.
I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.
Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.
Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.
I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.
It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.
I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.
But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?
I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.
My ideals had been proven foolish after all.
How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.
I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.
See what I have become?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Seeking God
There I was sitting amongst a group of over 20 people.. almost all of them complete strangers to me. I looked to my right. My mother was considerably uncomfortable. I pat her on the hand, trying to reassure her that it was OK. She never was really good with strangers. I don't think she wanted to be there. This was after all my idea. She wanted to just stay at home... but I insisted this was something we had to do. Actually, it was something I had to do. What I didn't tell her was that I was relying heavily on her for some courage just to be there. Truth be told, I don't think I was particularly good with strangers either.
To their credit, everyone at the cell group were extra nice to us. But everyone's nice to you when you're a first timer. It's the second / third visit, when you're no longer a first timer, but still a complete stranger that it becomes terrifying.... for me at least. But I was determined to take this first step anyway, however shaky it may be. The events of the past few weeks, months and years had compelled me to this point.
Someone in the group was saying that different people react differently when it comes to things that happen to them in their lives. Some are drawn closer to God by it... others are driven further away. That hit home for me. Because that was why I was here. I was trying to get closer to God. People say when your heart speaks… take good notes. And here are the notes I managed to write down.
Over days and nights of reflecting on my life thus far, I have come to the realization that the sum of all that I am, all that I have, and all the relationships and friendships that I enjoyed were not due to my own abilities but were a blessing from up above. This realization did not come after some awe inspiring sermon. Instead, it came to me gradually and slowly, after thinking back very carefully about very specific events in my life that brought me here today. Everything that I had, every person that I hold dear, every love I ever received… none of it were a result of my own planning, effort or initiative. Everything happened at its own accord, yet with a strange harmony and elegance. Some call it lucky coincidences. I call it divine providence. If I didn’t do all this, someone certainly did. I know things did not happen by chance because that’s not how chance looks like. Chance suggest a complete randomness. Randomness is chaotic, messy and disorganized. And though my heart does seem chaotic at times, my life on the other hand seems to be guided by an invisible hand.
Although not much of a spiritual person, I found it hard to deny that there was something or someone at work in my life. And on some intellectual level as well as deep deep down in my heart, I sort of acknowledge that it was God at work here. I just knew. Funny, considering I had been ignoring him for most of my life. I made a decision that day; that I would start being part a church again… in its proper sense. And here I was… taking my first step at that.
See, all my life… I believed in myself, in my own abilities, in my own talents. I believed that I was in control of my life. God featured very little in my plans.. I had it all planned out. When I was 17, I acted as if the realities of life would bend itself to conform my will. All I had to do was make the right moves, work hard, do the right thing, and the road to success would pave itself. Otherwise, I’d just make my own road, like some sort of trailblazer. I’d live a different life. I knew I had what it takes to get there. When it came to relationships, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what all the right moves were. I had life figured outThat was me at 17.
In a few weeks time, I turn 25. The desire to succeed and the passion to achieve are no less there, but the aura of invincibility is gone. Within the last 8 years, life has been a series of starts, stops, mad breaks, crazy sprints, U-turns, double U-turns, detours, shortcuts, red lights, green lights, yellow lights… and even no lights. The road wasn’t quite what I thought it to be and I wasn’t all I thought myself to be either. I never came near to any of the paths I thought I was destined to take. Where I thought I was strong enough to succeed, I failed miserably.
Everyone born with drive and passion quietly label themselves trailblazers. Our confidence is such that we believe in our abilities to go far even when we haven’t quite figured out where that is or how we we’re going to get there. That’s how I felt too. But I looked back at myself and though about the defining points in my life; from high school, to college, to university, to work; from student, to undergraduate, to trainee, to colleague, to superior; from friend, to confidant, to lover, to fiancée. I asked myself this question “If I asked you when you were 17, to get to where you are today in 8 years, would you know how to get there? Would you, by your own efforts, been able to forge these sorts of relationships, be placed in these sorts of positions, have these sorts of doors opened? By yourself?”
I dared not say Yes.
By comparison to others, I have achieved nothing significant. I hold no Ivy League degree. I hold no fancy job. I’m not engaged to Miss Malaysia, and there’s still a million dollars missing from my bank account. I live an average, middle class life, just like 9 million other people living here. But you see, although I have not achieved much, the amount of obstacles I had to overcome were many. The degree of difficulty was also far higher than anything I imagined at 17. I dare not claim credit because in most cases, it wasn’t me who made the solution, it wasn’t me who solved the problem. All I did was what I could with what I have by having courage and keeping hope.
Life is less about the things you achieve, and more about the obstacles you overcome.... Who do you consider a success; one who had little obstacles to overcome in achieving much……or the one that overcomes much to achieve seemingly less? Who do you think deserves higher praise? Who do you think has accomplished more in their life? Who do you really think is really at work here?
It is with that in mind that I realized - I did not come this far in life on my own. I had help from people who walked by my side, and from God who hovered above. He was there all this time determining my steps, even though I neither felt his presence or sought his will.
And that’s the point really. We always thing about what we want in life, what we want to accomplish, what we want to do. And when life doesn’t turn out the way we want, we blame God. But in reality, this isn’t how things work. In his heart, man plans his course, but the Lord determines his step. It is God’s will that prevails in the end. It is the path God chose for us that is that one we will end up on, regardless of what we think is our choice. The last 8 years had been living proof of it to me.
I needed to know what God’s plan for me was…. what the next 8 years is meant to be like. But I cannot know it, if I was far away from him.
“Is there anything you’d like me to pray for you?” someone asked me.
“Yes……I need to feel God’s presence closer in my life. I know him in my head, I’ve seen His with my eyes. But now, I need to feel Him in my heart. That's been missing in my life.”
And that really… is was why I was there….
Does that make sense?
To their credit, everyone at the cell group were extra nice to us. But everyone's nice to you when you're a first timer. It's the second / third visit, when you're no longer a first timer, but still a complete stranger that it becomes terrifying.... for me at least. But I was determined to take this first step anyway, however shaky it may be. The events of the past few weeks, months and years had compelled me to this point.
Someone in the group was saying that different people react differently when it comes to things that happen to them in their lives. Some are drawn closer to God by it... others are driven further away. That hit home for me. Because that was why I was here. I was trying to get closer to God. People say when your heart speaks… take good notes. And here are the notes I managed to write down.
Over days and nights of reflecting on my life thus far, I have come to the realization that the sum of all that I am, all that I have, and all the relationships and friendships that I enjoyed were not due to my own abilities but were a blessing from up above. This realization did not come after some awe inspiring sermon. Instead, it came to me gradually and slowly, after thinking back very carefully about very specific events in my life that brought me here today. Everything that I had, every person that I hold dear, every love I ever received… none of it were a result of my own planning, effort or initiative. Everything happened at its own accord, yet with a strange harmony and elegance. Some call it lucky coincidences. I call it divine providence. If I didn’t do all this, someone certainly did. I know things did not happen by chance because that’s not how chance looks like. Chance suggest a complete randomness. Randomness is chaotic, messy and disorganized. And though my heart does seem chaotic at times, my life on the other hand seems to be guided by an invisible hand.
Although not much of a spiritual person, I found it hard to deny that there was something or someone at work in my life. And on some intellectual level as well as deep deep down in my heart, I sort of acknowledge that it was God at work here. I just knew. Funny, considering I had been ignoring him for most of my life. I made a decision that day; that I would start being part a church again… in its proper sense. And here I was… taking my first step at that.
See, all my life… I believed in myself, in my own abilities, in my own talents. I believed that I was in control of my life. God featured very little in my plans.. I had it all planned out. When I was 17, I acted as if the realities of life would bend itself to conform my will. All I had to do was make the right moves, work hard, do the right thing, and the road to success would pave itself. Otherwise, I’d just make my own road, like some sort of trailblazer. I’d live a different life. I knew I had what it takes to get there. When it came to relationships, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what all the right moves were. I had life figured outThat was me at 17.
In a few weeks time, I turn 25. The desire to succeed and the passion to achieve are no less there, but the aura of invincibility is gone. Within the last 8 years, life has been a series of starts, stops, mad breaks, crazy sprints, U-turns, double U-turns, detours, shortcuts, red lights, green lights, yellow lights… and even no lights. The road wasn’t quite what I thought it to be and I wasn’t all I thought myself to be either. I never came near to any of the paths I thought I was destined to take. Where I thought I was strong enough to succeed, I failed miserably.
Everyone born with drive and passion quietly label themselves trailblazers. Our confidence is such that we believe in our abilities to go far even when we haven’t quite figured out where that is or how we we’re going to get there. That’s how I felt too. But I looked back at myself and though about the defining points in my life; from high school, to college, to university, to work; from student, to undergraduate, to trainee, to colleague, to superior; from friend, to confidant, to lover, to fiancée. I asked myself this question “If I asked you when you were 17, to get to where you are today in 8 years, would you know how to get there? Would you, by your own efforts, been able to forge these sorts of relationships, be placed in these sorts of positions, have these sorts of doors opened? By yourself?”
I dared not say Yes.
By comparison to others, I have achieved nothing significant. I hold no Ivy League degree. I hold no fancy job. I’m not engaged to Miss Malaysia, and there’s still a million dollars missing from my bank account. I live an average, middle class life, just like 9 million other people living here. But you see, although I have not achieved much, the amount of obstacles I had to overcome were many. The degree of difficulty was also far higher than anything I imagined at 17. I dare not claim credit because in most cases, it wasn’t me who made the solution, it wasn’t me who solved the problem. All I did was what I could with what I have by having courage and keeping hope.
Life is less about the things you achieve, and more about the obstacles you overcome.... Who do you consider a success; one who had little obstacles to overcome in achieving much……or the one that overcomes much to achieve seemingly less? Who do you think deserves higher praise? Who do you think has accomplished more in their life? Who do you really think is really at work here?
It is with that in mind that I realized - I did not come this far in life on my own. I had help from people who walked by my side, and from God who hovered above. He was there all this time determining my steps, even though I neither felt his presence or sought his will.
And that’s the point really. We always thing about what we want in life, what we want to accomplish, what we want to do. And when life doesn’t turn out the way we want, we blame God. But in reality, this isn’t how things work. In his heart, man plans his course, but the Lord determines his step. It is God’s will that prevails in the end. It is the path God chose for us that is that one we will end up on, regardless of what we think is our choice. The last 8 years had been living proof of it to me.
I needed to know what God’s plan for me was…. what the next 8 years is meant to be like. But I cannot know it, if I was far away from him.
“Is there anything you’d like me to pray for you?” someone asked me.
“Yes……I need to feel God’s presence closer in my life. I know him in my head, I’ve seen His with my eyes. But now, I need to feel Him in my heart. That's been missing in my life.”
And that really… is was why I was there….
Does that make sense?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The road to Happiness...
“I just want to be happy.”
That is often the thing a lot of people say to me when talking about life. At some point or another, we have all found ourselves searching for this thing called happiness. In fact, sometimes we think that being happy is one of the most important goals in life. At least I have.
So how do you be happy anyway? I find that the most common way of pursuing happiness…. is by doing everything we can to avoid suffering, sorrow, pain and any other emotion seen as an obstacle to happiness. In other words, we seek comfort. We seek things that make us feel good. We make this sort of correlation that the more comfort you have, the happier you are. And that's usually where money comes in. Money buys you comfort, money makes you suffer less. Hence, money buys you happiness. Most people I know who make it their life’s pursuit aren’t really greedy little goblins who never seem to have enough. In chasing the dollar, they are chasing what they honestly think is what they need to be happy in life.
You know, I do not doubt the value of money. Money IS one of the basic necessities in life. Money also can buy happiness to a certain extent - that holiday, that freedom, that luxury of choices that improve the quality of your life. Money is useful. It opens doors, gives you options, and solves a lot of your problems. In fact, money is so powerful a solution that when you have plenty of it, it becomes a ‘quick fix’ to almost every possible situation you will ever face in life. It’s not hard to imagine why some people put so much weight on money. But as with all ‘quick fixes’, it doesn’t really solve the root of the problem, especially when it’s interpersonal relations. And since interpersonal problems are often our most difficult problems, splashing more money to solve these problems is something equivalent to sweeping things underneath the carpet. Things become a bit more bearable, but haven’t really gone away.
Be wary of money I say. Because with money, you don't know who your true friends are, with money no one ever gets put to the test. You neither know the strength nor weaknesses of your true self, neither the depths of the friendships around you. More importantly, money does not fix the problems of the heart…… And since true happiness comes FROM the heart, money cannot buy you true happiness.
So again, how do you be happy? What is the road to happiness? Let me put this forth to you – there IS no road to happiness.
Why? Because happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at. Instead, it is the manner in which you arrive at wherever life brings you. It’s not which path you take, but how you travel that path. It’s not something you gain after completing a checklist. It’s a way of life. It’s a decision you make. I read a quote once that said “You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~ Lavetta Sue Wegman”. If you’re going to wait till everything’s OK before you be happy… you’re going to be waiting a long long time.
I know what you’re thinking right now. Nonsense. You can’t just psyche yourself to be happy. You simply can’t be happy when there is genuine cause for sorrow. If you do that just be lying to yourself. Yes, There are times when we will not be happy…. and you’d be right not to. You aren’t supposed to be happy if you just lost someone, someone got hurt, or something bad happened to you. Good things happen, bad things happen; the fact is that you will not be happy all the time in life. In this life, there is a time and place for everything…. As it is written:
Contrary to what you may think, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal in life. There is no such thing as being permanently happy throughout your whole life. Times of difficulties.. times of comfort….it’s a cycle of life we all go through. Life isn’t a bed of roses. It tests you. It challenges you. It pushes you, and shoves you to the ground. Not to bring you down…… but to teach you how to get up. Learning how to live is more than just about learning how to be happy.
Those living in denial think it's sweet. Those living in despair think it's bitter. But those living in hope will tell you the truth - life is bittersweet. And the thing we must all learn is to love life in all of its bittersweet nature.
But knowing that there is a time and place for everything and acknowledging that life is bittersweet still does not stop our hearts from yearning for joy. I heard once that the search for happiness is actually a search for soul satisfaction. This intrinsic desire to quench the hunger in our soul exist because we all want to feel the fullness of life; we all want to feel contented; we all want to be happy.
But despite have such a deep yearning for happiness… many of us just scoff when the solution presents itself to us. Why? Because we find it to be too simplistic for our sophisticated minds. We cannot accept that such complicated problem requires such a simple solution.
But here it is….. in just two words.
Be grateful.
In everything give thanks. Not just for the good things in life; the wonderful people you meet; lucky breaks; golden opportunities; good health; material blessings; friends; family, but also for the bad things; obstacles; missed chances; illnesses; mistakes; screw ups; bad people…… Give thanks for everything that you had, have, will have and never will have. Why give thanks? Because whether or not you believe it – everything in life is a gift. Every feeling, every person, every place, every sight, every event, every day….. every moment in your life is a gift. Because life itself is a gift. And just like how our parents thought us when we were kids, you must remember to say ‘Thank You’ when you receive a gift
Who gave us this gift? I think you know. We aren’t here by accident. The gift of life is proof that there is a Maker, to whom we all must face one day. So, when you realize this truth…… there really is every reason to start being grateful.
And here’s the thing.
When you finally learn how to be grateful, you will unwittingly find yourself…….happy.
That is often the thing a lot of people say to me when talking about life. At some point or another, we have all found ourselves searching for this thing called happiness. In fact, sometimes we think that being happy is one of the most important goals in life. At least I have.
So how do you be happy anyway? I find that the most common way of pursuing happiness…. is by doing everything we can to avoid suffering, sorrow, pain and any other emotion seen as an obstacle to happiness. In other words, we seek comfort. We seek things that make us feel good. We make this sort of correlation that the more comfort you have, the happier you are. And that's usually where money comes in. Money buys you comfort, money makes you suffer less. Hence, money buys you happiness. Most people I know who make it their life’s pursuit aren’t really greedy little goblins who never seem to have enough. In chasing the dollar, they are chasing what they honestly think is what they need to be happy in life.
You know, I do not doubt the value of money. Money IS one of the basic necessities in life. Money also can buy happiness to a certain extent - that holiday, that freedom, that luxury of choices that improve the quality of your life. Money is useful. It opens doors, gives you options, and solves a lot of your problems. In fact, money is so powerful a solution that when you have plenty of it, it becomes a ‘quick fix’ to almost every possible situation you will ever face in life. It’s not hard to imagine why some people put so much weight on money. But as with all ‘quick fixes’, it doesn’t really solve the root of the problem, especially when it’s interpersonal relations. And since interpersonal problems are often our most difficult problems, splashing more money to solve these problems is something equivalent to sweeping things underneath the carpet. Things become a bit more bearable, but haven’t really gone away.
Be wary of money I say. Because with money, you don't know who your true friends are, with money no one ever gets put to the test. You neither know the strength nor weaknesses of your true self, neither the depths of the friendships around you. More importantly, money does not fix the problems of the heart…… And since true happiness comes FROM the heart, money cannot buy you true happiness.
So again, how do you be happy? What is the road to happiness? Let me put this forth to you – there IS no road to happiness.
Why? Because happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at. Instead, it is the manner in which you arrive at wherever life brings you. It’s not which path you take, but how you travel that path. It’s not something you gain after completing a checklist. It’s a way of life. It’s a decision you make. I read a quote once that said “You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~ Lavetta Sue Wegman”. If you’re going to wait till everything’s OK before you be happy… you’re going to be waiting a long long time.
I know what you’re thinking right now. Nonsense. You can’t just psyche yourself to be happy. You simply can’t be happy when there is genuine cause for sorrow. If you do that just be lying to yourself. Yes, There are times when we will not be happy…. and you’d be right not to. You aren’t supposed to be happy if you just lost someone, someone got hurt, or something bad happened to you. Good things happen, bad things happen; the fact is that you will not be happy all the time in life. In this life, there is a time and place for everything…. As it is written:
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1~8
Contrary to what you may think, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal in life. There is no such thing as being permanently happy throughout your whole life. Times of difficulties.. times of comfort….it’s a cycle of life we all go through. Life isn’t a bed of roses. It tests you. It challenges you. It pushes you, and shoves you to the ground. Not to bring you down…… but to teach you how to get up. Learning how to live is more than just about learning how to be happy.
Those living in denial think it's sweet. Those living in despair think it's bitter. But those living in hope will tell you the truth - life is bittersweet. And the thing we must all learn is to love life in all of its bittersweet nature.
But knowing that there is a time and place for everything and acknowledging that life is bittersweet still does not stop our hearts from yearning for joy. I heard once that the search for happiness is actually a search for soul satisfaction. This intrinsic desire to quench the hunger in our soul exist because we all want to feel the fullness of life; we all want to feel contented; we all want to be happy.
But despite have such a deep yearning for happiness… many of us just scoff when the solution presents itself to us. Why? Because we find it to be too simplistic for our sophisticated minds. We cannot accept that such complicated problem requires such a simple solution.
But here it is….. in just two words.
Be grateful.
In everything give thanks. Not just for the good things in life; the wonderful people you meet; lucky breaks; golden opportunities; good health; material blessings; friends; family, but also for the bad things; obstacles; missed chances; illnesses; mistakes; screw ups; bad people…… Give thanks for everything that you had, have, will have and never will have. Why give thanks? Because whether or not you believe it – everything in life is a gift. Every feeling, every person, every place, every sight, every event, every day….. every moment in your life is a gift. Because life itself is a gift. And just like how our parents thought us when we were kids, you must remember to say ‘Thank You’ when you receive a gift
Who gave us this gift? I think you know. We aren’t here by accident. The gift of life is proof that there is a Maker, to whom we all must face one day. So, when you realize this truth…… there really is every reason to start being grateful.
And here’s the thing.
When you finally learn how to be grateful, you will unwittingly find yourself…….happy.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Insight & A Gozillian Dollars
Dear God,
You know my predicament. You know my problems. You know what I'm struggling with. Please help me. I need guidance. I need direction. I need insight. I need to know what I need to do. I need to know the right thing to do.
I have tried reaching out to the people of your house, but for many reasons of their own, none have come forward to guide me. The ones I did pluck up the courage to approach, the ones I did feel could understand and help me chose to draw a line.. and instead push it to others... others I did not know, others I do not trust can give me the right answers.
You have brought me here, to this point in life. You have blessed me in so many ways, though I have always wandered for away from you. Thank you. It really is true when people said you are better at answering prayers than we are at praying for the things you have done for me far exceed the things I could ever prayed for myself. You blessed me, and gave me a small gift of insight. That instead of learning slowly and painfully through my own mistakes, I have been able to perceive and understand many things in life, that I have been able to do the right things.
But this time, I have no insight, I have no answers. I can't even know if these questions I am asking are really an issue or not, or is it all just 'in my head'? You have said in your word that it is my duty to lead in servitude like you. It is you who has given me eyes to see, and sight to perceive. I see the problem... but I can't see the solution. So please guide me. Please show me the way. Please help me to discern what is right and what is not as I choose between the paths set before me, all filled with shades of gray. Give me faith, give me courage... and please give me conviction.
I'm ready to listen, whenever you're willing to speak, be it through your word, your people, or any other miscellaneous divine acts. Thank you again for all that you have done for me, my family, my friends, and others I hold dear in my heart, even the ones who don't know it. May you guide them in their own lives and shower them with faith, love and hope.
From
Me
P/S: A miracle or two would be much welcomed. No need to part the red sea or anything....... but a gozillian dollars in my bank account would sure come in handy. No? Well, it was worth a shot. :-P
You know my predicament. You know my problems. You know what I'm struggling with. Please help me. I need guidance. I need direction. I need insight. I need to know what I need to do. I need to know the right thing to do.
I have tried reaching out to the people of your house, but for many reasons of their own, none have come forward to guide me. The ones I did pluck up the courage to approach, the ones I did feel could understand and help me chose to draw a line.. and instead push it to others... others I did not know, others I do not trust can give me the right answers.
You have brought me here, to this point in life. You have blessed me in so many ways, though I have always wandered for away from you. Thank you. It really is true when people said you are better at answering prayers than we are at praying for the things you have done for me far exceed the things I could ever prayed for myself. You blessed me, and gave me a small gift of insight. That instead of learning slowly and painfully through my own mistakes, I have been able to perceive and understand many things in life, that I have been able to do the right things.
But this time, I have no insight, I have no answers. I can't even know if these questions I am asking are really an issue or not, or is it all just 'in my head'? You have said in your word that it is my duty to lead in servitude like you. It is you who has given me eyes to see, and sight to perceive. I see the problem... but I can't see the solution. So please guide me. Please show me the way. Please help me to discern what is right and what is not as I choose between the paths set before me, all filled with shades of gray. Give me faith, give me courage... and please give me conviction.
I'm ready to listen, whenever you're willing to speak, be it through your word, your people, or any other miscellaneous divine acts. Thank you again for all that you have done for me, my family, my friends, and others I hold dear in my heart, even the ones who don't know it. May you guide them in their own lives and shower them with faith, love and hope.
From
Me
P/S: A miracle or two would be much welcomed. No need to part the red sea or anything....... but a gozillian dollars in my bank account would sure come in handy. No? Well, it was worth a shot. :-P
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