I Never Knew You

“Do you know God Ma?”

“What do you mean?”

“As in…. do you know God personally? You know how they keep emphasizing on how it’s different it is to know a lot ABOUT God , but not really KNOW God at all?...”

“mmHmmmm….”

“I don’t know if I know God. At least, I’m not sure. I don’t know if what I have is genuine. I don’t know if I really have any sort of relationship with God… Wasn’t there some sort of verse where Jesus talks about how not everyone who comes to me and says ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven?.......That he will say “I Never Knew You..” even to some who prophesized and performed miracles in His name? How do I know if I’m having a relationship with God?”

It all sounded like very basic questions for some sort of new born Christian I guess. But it was one of the things on my mind of late. I don’t know if I’m going through some sort of identity crisis or religious crisis, quarter life crisis.. or just a good old fashion emotional meltdown. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been questioning myself more than ever. I find myself doubting my own abilities, doubting my own heart, doubting my own worth. And one of it was this… I was questioning my own faith. I’m not sure if what I had was genuine. For all I knew, I could really be just some semblance of a Christian all this while without actually being one. I haven't exactly been Mr. Repentant all these while

“It’s true. Sometimes, you can see people learn so much about Scripture and of God, but their lives do not reflect one bit on what they learned.”

I felt that way. I didn’t think the way I think and the way I lived was anywhere near what was required of a Christian. If Ann Rice thought that she had leave Christian circles because they weren’t Christian enough, here I am thinking perhaps I don’t belong because I’m not Christian enough.

“So what do you think? Do you think I have relationship with God?”

“I think you do…..”

“How do I know that’s true?”

“If you find yourself relying on God, depending on him, and believing that He is in control of your life, and that He’s there by your side, and that He’s there to help you in the things that you do…. then I’d say, you already have a relationship with God.”

Do I have that? I don’t know….. but I think I maybe I do… even if it’s just a little perhaps. Good enough to be a righteous, sanctified person? I don’t think so. But I hope at least enough that when I die some day, I will not be on the receiving end of the words “I never knew you….”