An Idle Mind Is...

“Why are you still here?”

“I’ve been here all along.”

“I know. But you can’t be here anymore. There is no place for you in my new life. I can’t afford to have you here anymore.”

“You can’t get rid of me. I’m more a part of you that you’re willing to admit.”

“I don’t want you here anymore...”

“No. You can’t make me leave. You’re just trying to deny that I exist..”

“You’re right. You do exist…. But only because I have allowed you to. Only because I have been weak….”

“So what now hmm? You’ve finally decided to grow some balls? You think you’ve grown strong now just because you heard a couple of sermons and read a few verses? You overestimate yourself. You are weak. I AM YOU. Deep down inside, you WANT me to exist. You NEED me to exist. You can’t STAND being the goody two shoes, church poster boy. I know your heart… and though there seems to be many layers of righteousness above, I know what is in the centre – you are a rebel in your heart of hearts.”

“You’re wrong….”

“Am I? Are you not your father’s son? Does his blood not run through your veins? Do you not possess the same charms as he? Do you not possess the same weakness? Don’t lie to me… I know the answer better than you. Am I not the manifestation of your desires? Am I not the symbol of everything you always wanted to be secretly?”

“You are. You are the person I always thought I want to be. You are guy that has all the fun, you have no guilt conscience, you seek only pleasure. You live the worldly, hedonistic life… even if it’s wrong.. because you just don't give a fuck. Yes, you are the guy that I always wanted to be.”

“Finally, some honesty… own up my friend. I’m here to stay.. because you WANT me to stay.”

“No…… I don’t.”

“Do we have to go through this again my boy?.... Let me try to put this in a simpler way. You WANT me around. I AM you. I am what you TRULY are. Stop kidding yourself… you aren’t some righteous altar boy… far from it. I know what goes on in that sick mind of yours. You fucking love being me. The sooner you admit that, the better. You’ll be happier. You can just continue to have fun, and no one will ever accuse you of being a fake. And that’s what you WILL be if you continue this holier-than-thou talk with me. A fake. ”

“Maybe.. maybe I will just end up being a fake. But things have happened that have made me realize that are things more precious than my own pleasure. There are people more important than my own self. My actions and words are no longer just mine. The things I do affect not only me, but the people around me. I used to love myself. Then I started loving others. And I learned that when you love others, you do what’s best for them, not for yourself – even if it is at your expense, even if it is against the longing of your heart.. …..”

*scoff* “What….You mean like with her?..........”

“………….. yes, like her. But I don’t expect you to understand any of that. It affected me more than you know. It thought me some very precious lessons.”

“Please… I’m not buying any more that crap…..”

“You don’t have to. I’m not trying to put on any airs of righteousness. I know my weakness… But know this. So long as I have the strength, I will fight you. I will fight you every step of the way. And even if I lose every single time, I will not stop fighting. Not as long as there is a purpose greater than myself worth fighting for. There are things I want more than selfish desires. I’m betting my life on love. And I want to be able to proudly say I loved someone, anyone, in the purest sense of the word.”

“You see, amidst all the mess and all the heart ache, an important truth dawned on me - I could never ever bring myself to be like you. Because to be like you meant being heartless. To be like you meant pleasures that are superficial. To be like you meant not truly loving anyone. I couldn’t do that because I truly wanted to love everyone. I want to be able to love the people I choose to love, in whatever capacity that entails – son, brother, husband, friend and yes... even as just a distant stranger.”

That’s why I can never be you….