There have been 2 words on my mind of late..
FILIAL PIETY.
It's not a very common value or word that's used this days... but somehow still remains a very strong value that many of us still uphold, consciously or otherwise.
I speak as person of Chinese decent... where the values of Filial Piety was first advocated by Confucius to Chinese society thousands of years ago. It became one of the cornerstones and building blocks of Chinese society, on how to think, how to act, how to carry yourself, especially when it comes to your parents. No one thought my generation filial piety. No one purposefully thought my fathers generation filial piety. But in the past few days... I have come to realize it remains very much present in our value system.
I was at my uncle's house last week visiting my grandmother. She had suffered from a stroke almost 6 months ago... and has been completely bed ridden since. She can no longer open her eyes, eat, talk, walk or communicate with the people around her beyond grunting and murmuring. Her children cleared out a room in their house, pooled money and hired a maid to take care of her.
My aunt living in the US immediately quit her job and came back... just to take care of her in her vegetative state. I was so moved, and filled with so much respect for her. To temporarily put her entire life on hold, leave her husbands side, and take care of her mother, who most like will never be able to thank her for her sacrifice, if she was even aware of what her daughter did.
A few of my own friends studied overseas... and feel in love with life there. They could have lived there, found jobs there and build their life there. But they chose to come home, either to take care of their parents, to keep them company, or to obey their wishes. "No choice" they said to me. But they HAD a choice.... and they chose to put their parents before themselves. I know... because I made the same decision 2 years ago.
Another friend of mine told me about how her entire family moved out of their apartment into a terrace house, purely because the grandparents were too old to be able to climb the stairs. The entire family moved, just so the grandparents would continue staying in the same house. I was told this was practically unheard of in western societies.
Someone else I know gave up his lifelong dream and passion of being a full time composer and musician to focus on their family business... because the parents were relying on him as the eldest son to take over the business their parents were so painstakingly building for their children. And mind you, this wasn't some multi-million dollar company with a nice big mahogany desk and a secretary waiting for him. It was long, hard round the clock work in dusty factories... which promised to completely wipe out any sort of social life he previously had.
My friend resisted and rejected all invitations to go out at night because she felt she needed to be home. I found out later that it was because the father was away on a long business trip, and she didn't want her mother to feel lonely. This was the same friend who would usually be a party freak.. partying till late nights every other weekend.
In my own life, I constantly feel pressured to 'do the right thing' when it came to my mother. Despite some opposition from hospital advisers and some friends, my brother and I decided that we will move her out of the nursing home, into our own care despite the obvious risk...... There was plenty of pressure from well meaning people... but deep down, I think my brother and I felt like this was the right and respectful way to be treating and respecting her as our mother. I told my fiancee once that if I do not treat my own mother right now, how will I ever be able to tell my own children to treat their mother right in future?
The interesting thing is, I'm pretty sure the words filial piety doesn't appear in their minds as they commit this acts of love. But in the bigger picture, what ELSE do you call it if not filial piety then? The more I thought about it, the more amazed I was at how deeply this seems to take root amongst us. In case you were wondering, yes all the families and people above were Chinese decent.
As the world becomes a smaller and smaller place, it's inevitable that we all start to adopt different values from other cultures. We have now come to appreciate values like freedom of speech, individual freedom, and personal achievement. They are no longer alien to us, because they are constantly vocalized. But what about filial piety? Will it continue to survive this new age as it has for thousands of years? Or will it slowly but surely die a painful death? The problem with instilling values in this; the only way it can be done effectively, is by example. It can't just be thought like a subject. You actually have to BE it and LIVE it before it makes an impact on others. People will do as you do, not as you say. Things like freedom of speech, individualism etc are easy to advocate... because it often involves a clear and almost immediate benefit to one's self. Any fool would advocate something with all their heart if it benefited them. But filial piety almost always offers absolutely no tangible benefit to self. You don't gain anything at all. In fact, it inevitably involves you giving up or sacrificing something for the benefit of your parents.
Funny, because as I write this, those last few line seemed terribly familiar to other stuff I've written int he past. It seems more and more to me like filial piety ultimately points to an even bigger picture...... LOVE.
Man, I really gotta start writing about other things......
Cheers! :-)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friends.. they do exist afterall....
I don't know if I've bee sounding a bit too much like I'm on the brink of amok in the past week. Every since I posted my last few Facebook shout outs regarding the church attacks in Malaysia, a few friends have come called to talk or meet up with me.
For the record, this is what I said:
"Pardon my french again people.. but.. WHAT THE F**K IS THIS MAN!!!????? You're not happy over a court ruling, and you don't like us using a word, so you FREAKING BOMB US??!!! I love this country and it's people to bits, but if this is how things are going to be, if this is how we as minorities in this country are going... to be treated.... I DON't WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE."
"So you believe in Muhammad, you pray 5 times a day, you zakat, you fast for a month, you do the Haj once, and you bomb churches at night?! God bless you..."
One group attempted to pacify me with lots and lots of durians (in a durian buffet in PJ) and lots and lots of slapstick jokes. Another friend called me up and gave me a 30 minute lecture on 'righteous anger', proper 'Christ-like' responses, and debating about whether or not Jesus would approve showing the middle finger while turning the other cheek. Another friend called from Australia and spoke to me for a whopping six hours (which was a personal record for both of us)..... but I wasn't sure if that had anything to do with my angry rantings or just an long overdue call to say hello.
And today, out of the blue, I just got my ass dragged out of office in the middle of my work day today by a friend who lives nearby my office. I thought she missed talking to me or whatever. Turns out she just wanted to check if I was OK (or if I've murdered anyone for the matter) after reading my statuses.... and upon ascertaining that I wasn't on the brink of murder, and some very brief update on each others life, I got unceremoniously shooed off to work again. "Thanks for your concern. Your mouth isn't the least bit sweet, but your actions certainly are." I said to my foul mothed friend. She was the type that did more swearing in a day than I do in a month...... "Whaaaat... go back to work la you..... and enjoy your final stages of single hood before your doom " came the snickering reply.
I slammed the door and walked up the stairs, smiling to myself. Not everyone is good at expressing themselves in words. But sometimes, what they cannot express in words, they make up for in actions... which are infinitely more powerful. Maybe this is just me being 'syok sendiri', I'd like to think that taking time off her busy schedule, making the extra effort to drop by to see me before crashing into bed as soon as she got home was her own little way of being a friend... just her way of saying "I'm here, I care." without saying it out loud. I'd like to think that if that was the message, then it was a message well received. And I was happy to think that maybe... maybe there are people that care after all. Maybe they aren't very involved in your life... but it didn't stop them from caring... and I guess the thought of that was what the smile was all about.
Everyone who called on me this few days were in no way friends in common. They were all different people I know from different stages of my life... but they all had one thing in common.. they've all known me for a long time.. the shortest being 6 years of friendship. In a way, I kind of understood their reaction... because as with the colleagues that work with me, none of them have ever seen my loose my temper, none of them have ever seen me come out so strongly and so vocally about anything at all... hence their shock. I told one friend it was because the church that was attacked was the one I was supposed to get married in. I told another that SOMEONE had to have to be the voice of anger and outrage, and since most others were either too afraid to offend others, or preaching words of peace and forgiveness, I will do it. Because I had nothing to loose, except the goodwill of a few distant friends. I thought "OK, I'll be the immature, angry, emotional one this time... so that other wiser and calmer people can come and save everybody with their message of love, peace and harmony." But to a few........I told the honest answer....... that it was just really me, looking for an excuse to be pissed off because I needed to. I don't know if they understood it.... but at least I could see that accepted it.
In my darkest thoughts, I often wonder about how much people really cared. The melancholic side of me constantly wants to believe that people don't really care..... that people are essentially selfish and self serving, that they only hang around you when there is benefit to them; financial, emotional, physical, mental... whatever.. it was only when you had something they needed that they come to you. And the other side of me constantly wants this to be proven wrong. That people do come to you sincerely and selflessly offering you their friendship without asking for much, except perhaps yours in return.... which I guess I would only be too eager to give.
So ya... I think I will sleep with an easy heart tonight with a renewed sense of confidence in friendships... and mostly... in people.
Cheers....
For the record, this is what I said:
"Pardon my french again people.. but.. WHAT THE F**K IS THIS MAN!!!????? You're not happy over a court ruling, and you don't like us using a word, so you FREAKING BOMB US??!!! I love this country and it's people to bits, but if this is how things are going to be, if this is how we as minorities in this country are going... to be treated.... I DON't WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE."
"So you believe in Muhammad, you pray 5 times a day, you zakat, you fast for a month, you do the Haj once, and you bomb churches at night?! God bless you..."
One group attempted to pacify me with lots and lots of durians (in a durian buffet in PJ) and lots and lots of slapstick jokes. Another friend called me up and gave me a 30 minute lecture on 'righteous anger', proper 'Christ-like' responses, and debating about whether or not Jesus would approve showing the middle finger while turning the other cheek. Another friend called from Australia and spoke to me for a whopping six hours (which was a personal record for both of us)..... but I wasn't sure if that had anything to do with my angry rantings or just an long overdue call to say hello.
And today, out of the blue, I just got my ass dragged out of office in the middle of my work day today by a friend who lives nearby my office. I thought she missed talking to me or whatever. Turns out she just wanted to check if I was OK (or if I've murdered anyone for the matter) after reading my statuses.... and upon ascertaining that I wasn't on the brink of murder, and some very brief update on each others life, I got unceremoniously shooed off to work again. "Thanks for your concern. Your mouth isn't the least bit sweet, but your actions certainly are." I said to my foul mothed friend. She was the type that did more swearing in a day than I do in a month...... "Whaaaat... go back to work la you..... and enjoy your final stages of single hood before your doom " came the snickering reply.
I slammed the door and walked up the stairs, smiling to myself. Not everyone is good at expressing themselves in words. But sometimes, what they cannot express in words, they make up for in actions... which are infinitely more powerful. Maybe this is just me being 'syok sendiri', I'd like to think that taking time off her busy schedule, making the extra effort to drop by to see me before crashing into bed as soon as she got home was her own little way of being a friend... just her way of saying "I'm here, I care." without saying it out loud. I'd like to think that if that was the message, then it was a message well received. And I was happy to think that maybe... maybe there are people that care after all. Maybe they aren't very involved in your life... but it didn't stop them from caring... and I guess the thought of that was what the smile was all about.
Everyone who called on me this few days were in no way friends in common. They were all different people I know from different stages of my life... but they all had one thing in common.. they've all known me for a long time.. the shortest being 6 years of friendship. In a way, I kind of understood their reaction... because as with the colleagues that work with me, none of them have ever seen my loose my temper, none of them have ever seen me come out so strongly and so vocally about anything at all... hence their shock. I told one friend it was because the church that was attacked was the one I was supposed to get married in. I told another that SOMEONE had to have to be the voice of anger and outrage, and since most others were either too afraid to offend others, or preaching words of peace and forgiveness, I will do it. Because I had nothing to loose, except the goodwill of a few distant friends. I thought "OK, I'll be the immature, angry, emotional one this time... so that other wiser and calmer people can come and save everybody with their message of love, peace and harmony." But to a few........I told the honest answer....... that it was just really me, looking for an excuse to be pissed off because I needed to. I don't know if they understood it.... but at least I could see that accepted it.
In my darkest thoughts, I often wonder about how much people really cared. The melancholic side of me constantly wants to believe that people don't really care..... that people are essentially selfish and self serving, that they only hang around you when there is benefit to them; financial, emotional, physical, mental... whatever.. it was only when you had something they needed that they come to you. And the other side of me constantly wants this to be proven wrong. That people do come to you sincerely and selflessly offering you their friendship without asking for much, except perhaps yours in return.... which I guess I would only be too eager to give.
So ya... I think I will sleep with an easy heart tonight with a renewed sense of confidence in friendships... and mostly... in people.
Cheers....
Background Music..Makes Everything Better
You have no idea how much I identify with this:
There's always background music when I write too! Hahaha...
There's always background music when I write too! Hahaha...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
No More Brooding...
OK, I'm done with brooding... for now at least.
I've been in a dark dark mood these few weeks, in some sort of self imposed deliberate mental / emotional exile from the world and everything around me. I know I've always been retract-into-a-shell kind of person anyway... but this time, it felt particularly deep..... because I somehow managed to go through the motions of daily life and at the same time feel completely isolated and unhappy. The reasons are many and varied... and I guess the timing was one of the worst... Christmas holidays, with all its cheer and jolliness just served to juxtapose the gloom inside my heart. And the more I saw happy and excited people around me, the more I was being reminded how I'm not one of them. I guess perhaps that's why I chose to spend the new year alone. I didn't want to be reminded by others, however unintentionally, of how unhappy I was during this time.
'Grieving' I call it.... It came to me when a friend of mine mentioned the word, and asked me what was the 5 stages of grieving.. which I forgot. In no particular order, here they are; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. When faced with a loss, everyone generally goes through this 5 stages, in no particular order, and in no particular duration. Some breeze through a few and get stuck indefinitely at some, others go back and forth between a few.... and I guess in a way, that's what I've been going through.... and looking into myself, I think I've been going back and forth between a few, getting stuck in a few more than the rest. And one stage I was stuck with was anger. All this angry post you've been reading, all this Facebook rantings you read... it was never really about the issue. I'm upset about it YES... my opinions and feelings about it were true YES, but the intensity... the intensity came from THIS; this angry state of mind and heart that I've been in due to my grief.
"What ARE you grieving about?" you may wonder. Well.... I thought I knew, then I wasn't sure. I was wondering how come there wasn't a 6th stage of Grief called 'utterly-confused-and-messed-up'..... But maybe that wasn't the grieving, that was just me being me. If I had to name some of the things I felt I loss, it would be..... lost of attention, companionship, affection and love. Not just in the receiving of these things.. but in the giving as well.
For a long long time now, I've been living my life by either giving attention, being a companion, listening to people.. and just showing love to the people around me. I take pride in the fact that I go out of my way, even at an inconvenience to myself for the people I care about, whether it's my fiancee, my friends, or my family. I will come if you need me. I will go if you want me to. I will do it, if it means a lot to you. If I care about someone, going out of my way for them is the only real and practically way I know how to show I care. Don't think I'm so noble and selfless. I'm not. Deep inside, a big part of me craves to be acknowledged and appreciated for all that I do for them. It's how I feel validated. It's how I gain my sense of self. But this desire to be validated.... is never voiced out. Because some funny part of me believes that they should come naturally and sincerely on it's own... without me needing to 'ask' for it.
So what am I grieving again? I'm grieving the fact that I don't have anybody to care about (in my immediate and reachable vicinity).. and there isn't anybody around to care about me. There's only so much friends can do for you... especially with the kind of friends I have. That's why you see me bitterly stating that I could die today and no one would notice, although I know that isn't entirely true. (My corpse will probably start stinking in 3 days anyway). A friend told me that I needed to get a life. I agree. Then I remembered that I had a life 3 months ago. But a big chunk of that life flew off on a plane to the other side of the world.. and has now been reduced to 3a.m. chats on Skype. I suddenly find myself having more time to myself than I know what to do with. I have more time for friends, but find that I have no companions. Companions to do simple things like having dinner, or buying something in the mall, or just someone to do nothing with, you know?
I think of rebuilding my life up again, I do.... but the thing with rebuilding something is, it can't be out of thin air....you still need something to build with!
Anyway... I won't try to tell you I'm perfectly fine now. I know I'm still lonely. I know I'm still sad.... and I think I will remain this way for quite some time.... until my heart gets used to being a lone ranger again. But at least.. I'm know not angry anymore. For a person like me, who deals with anger and rage with as much grace as a lumberjack does with figure skating, I'm glad it's over.
I've been in a dark dark mood these few weeks, in some sort of self imposed deliberate mental / emotional exile from the world and everything around me. I know I've always been retract-into-a-shell kind of person anyway... but this time, it felt particularly deep..... because I somehow managed to go through the motions of daily life and at the same time feel completely isolated and unhappy. The reasons are many and varied... and I guess the timing was one of the worst... Christmas holidays, with all its cheer and jolliness just served to juxtapose the gloom inside my heart. And the more I saw happy and excited people around me, the more I was being reminded how I'm not one of them. I guess perhaps that's why I chose to spend the new year alone. I didn't want to be reminded by others, however unintentionally, of how unhappy I was during this time.
'Grieving' I call it.... It came to me when a friend of mine mentioned the word, and asked me what was the 5 stages of grieving.. which I forgot. In no particular order, here they are; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. When faced with a loss, everyone generally goes through this 5 stages, in no particular order, and in no particular duration. Some breeze through a few and get stuck indefinitely at some, others go back and forth between a few.... and I guess in a way, that's what I've been going through.... and looking into myself, I think I've been going back and forth between a few, getting stuck in a few more than the rest. And one stage I was stuck with was anger. All this angry post you've been reading, all this Facebook rantings you read... it was never really about the issue. I'm upset about it YES... my opinions and feelings about it were true YES, but the intensity... the intensity came from THIS; this angry state of mind and heart that I've been in due to my grief.
"What ARE you grieving about?" you may wonder. Well.... I thought I knew, then I wasn't sure. I was wondering how come there wasn't a 6th stage of Grief called 'utterly-confused-and-messed-up'..... But maybe that wasn't the grieving, that was just me being me. If I had to name some of the things I felt I loss, it would be..... lost of attention, companionship, affection and love. Not just in the receiving of these things.. but in the giving as well.
For a long long time now, I've been living my life by either giving attention, being a companion, listening to people.. and just showing love to the people around me. I take pride in the fact that I go out of my way, even at an inconvenience to myself for the people I care about, whether it's my fiancee, my friends, or my family. I will come if you need me. I will go if you want me to. I will do it, if it means a lot to you. If I care about someone, going out of my way for them is the only real and practically way I know how to show I care. Don't think I'm so noble and selfless. I'm not. Deep inside, a big part of me craves to be acknowledged and appreciated for all that I do for them. It's how I feel validated. It's how I gain my sense of self. But this desire to be validated.... is never voiced out. Because some funny part of me believes that they should come naturally and sincerely on it's own... without me needing to 'ask' for it.
So what am I grieving again? I'm grieving the fact that I don't have anybody to care about (in my immediate and reachable vicinity).. and there isn't anybody around to care about me. There's only so much friends can do for you... especially with the kind of friends I have. That's why you see me bitterly stating that I could die today and no one would notice, although I know that isn't entirely true. (My corpse will probably start stinking in 3 days anyway). A friend told me that I needed to get a life. I agree. Then I remembered that I had a life 3 months ago. But a big chunk of that life flew off on a plane to the other side of the world.. and has now been reduced to 3a.m. chats on Skype. I suddenly find myself having more time to myself than I know what to do with. I have more time for friends, but find that I have no companions. Companions to do simple things like having dinner, or buying something in the mall, or just someone to do nothing with, you know?
I think of rebuilding my life up again, I do.... but the thing with rebuilding something is, it can't be out of thin air....you still need something to build with!
Anyway... I won't try to tell you I'm perfectly fine now. I know I'm still lonely. I know I'm still sad.... and I think I will remain this way for quite some time.... until my heart gets used to being a lone ranger again. But at least.. I'm know not angry anymore. For a person like me, who deals with anger and rage with as much grace as a lumberjack does with figure skating, I'm glad it's over.
Friday, January 8, 2010
What the f**k did YOU LEARN?
DAMN. My blood was SO boiling after I found out about this.
http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/48874-kl-church-torched-
So much so that I felt compelled to temporarily throw out my resolution of self imposed Facebook exile and just whole heartedly condemn the incident to whoever hell would listen. And in very few words, this will be my response to them:
http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/48874-kl-church-torched-
So much so that I felt compelled to temporarily throw out my resolution of self imposed Facebook exile and just whole heartedly condemn the incident to whoever hell would listen. And in very few words, this will be my response to them:
I’m a church
I used “Allah”
We disagree.
I used “Allah”
We disagree.
And you bombed my building.
But you were really attacking ME.
But don’t worry.
I won’t harm you, like you did me.
I remember what God taught me.
“If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well.”
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
That’s what I learnt.
I won’t harm you, like you did me.
I remember what God taught me.
“If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well.”
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
That’s what I learnt.
That‘s how I will respond.
But I can’t help but wonder….
What the f**k did YOU LEARN?
But I can’t help but wonder….
What the f**k did YOU LEARN?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Pardon my French....
Pardon my french people......
I'm so f**king pissed off right now!
Something is f**king wrong when your typical day at work consist of reading, replying and responding to 100 emails PER DAY. That means that if I'm out of office for 2 days, I have 200 f**king emails to read, plus another 100 yet to receive on that day.
Then, your boss tells you to go lunch with him, sits there for 2 f**king hours and tells you you should so f**king work through the entire weekend on some things he wants done because they are so f**king important, and we're all f**king screwed if we don't have it ready by Monday. Then, your colleague who's f**king twice your age, draws twice your f**king salary, but has half your brain power comes bugging you for the tenth f**king time on how to scan a f**king paper document to email. Doesn't help that even standing 3 feet away, I can still smell his f**king bad breath and I have to ask him to repeat his sentence 3 f**king times because I can't f**king understand his f**king accent.
You then realize it's 6.30p.m., it's almost time go home, and you haven't even done a single f**king thing you were supposed to because you were too caught up listening to your f**king boss and helping your f**king colleague. You then get even more pissed off because you just f**king know that 20 additional emails on top of the 100 will be coming in the morning over the emails you were supposed to reply today but didn't. You then think, perhaps you need to continue your work at home after dinner which just makes you scream "F**K!! I didn't sign up for this!" You then think about how the Christmas holidays have long come and gone, and the boss is still sitting on your f**king bonus, which you were so f**king depending on to get you through the f**king holiday spending which left you so f**king broke. And you think "Aaarrghhh! Forget it, I don't want your f**king bonus anymore. The Beatles sang that all you need is love anyway." Then you f**king realize you aren't getting any f**king love anyway, and even if you do, love doesn't f**king pay the bills. F**K!!
You then realize you are again the last f**king person still having his sorry ass in office. You wonder why the hell you are busting your ass working like this... and realize it's because you don't have any f**king thing better to do, because you don't have a f**king LIFE. THAT'S WHY. You then think maybe you should just forget everything and everyone, sell everything you own (which you realize isn't worth much at all), buy a ticket to China, find a nice and simple village girl to marry, and spend the rest of your life planting potatoes. Yes, POTATOES. Along the way, you also wonder why the f**k didn't you do a bit more crazy and stupid things when you were a teenager, because at least then, you could come up with good excuses; you were messed up, you were confused, or you were just so f**king stupid.... anything goes man.
You then remember that in many cases, people still remain stupid anyway, regardless of age. Age seemed to have very little to do with your ability to contract this disease of stupidity. Case in point would be your idiotic colleague who bugged you earlier. A smile then comes across your face. "I don't NEED a f**king excuse to behave stupid! Look at HIM! He's stupid ALL THE TIME, and even he got a job!! Hahahaha....." you tell yourself as the lightbulb goes off in your head. So you then decide "I ain't doing any f**king work tonight. I'm packing up, and I'm going to go jogging in the park. You had your shoes and your shorts ready in the car since morning anyway.
And after a round of cursing to yourself, you leave office, feeling that bit better than before. It's a miracle what learning a bit of french can do for your moods.
I'm so f**king pissed off right now!
Something is f**king wrong when your typical day at work consist of reading, replying and responding to 100 emails PER DAY. That means that if I'm out of office for 2 days, I have 200 f**king emails to read, plus another 100 yet to receive on that day.
Then, your boss tells you to go lunch with him, sits there for 2 f**king hours and tells you you should so f**king work through the entire weekend on some things he wants done because they are so f**king important, and we're all f**king screwed if we don't have it ready by Monday. Then, your colleague who's f**king twice your age, draws twice your f**king salary, but has half your brain power comes bugging you for the tenth f**king time on how to scan a f**king paper document to email. Doesn't help that even standing 3 feet away, I can still smell his f**king bad breath and I have to ask him to repeat his sentence 3 f**king times because I can't f**king understand his f**king accent.
You then realize it's 6.30p.m., it's almost time go home, and you haven't even done a single f**king thing you were supposed to because you were too caught up listening to your f**king boss and helping your f**king colleague. You then get even more pissed off because you just f**king know that 20 additional emails on top of the 100 will be coming in the morning over the emails you were supposed to reply today but didn't. You then think, perhaps you need to continue your work at home after dinner which just makes you scream "F**K!! I didn't sign up for this!" You then think about how the Christmas holidays have long come and gone, and the boss is still sitting on your f**king bonus, which you were so f**king depending on to get you through the f**king holiday spending which left you so f**king broke. And you think "Aaarrghhh! Forget it, I don't want your f**king bonus anymore. The Beatles sang that all you need is love anyway." Then you f**king realize you aren't getting any f**king love anyway, and even if you do, love doesn't f**king pay the bills. F**K!!
You then realize you are again the last f**king person still having his sorry ass in office. You wonder why the hell you are busting your ass working like this... and realize it's because you don't have any f**king thing better to do, because you don't have a f**king LIFE. THAT'S WHY. You then think maybe you should just forget everything and everyone, sell everything you own (which you realize isn't worth much at all), buy a ticket to China, find a nice and simple village girl to marry, and spend the rest of your life planting potatoes. Yes, POTATOES. Along the way, you also wonder why the f**k didn't you do a bit more crazy and stupid things when you were a teenager, because at least then, you could come up with good excuses; you were messed up, you were confused, or you were just so f**king stupid.... anything goes man.
You then remember that in many cases, people still remain stupid anyway, regardless of age. Age seemed to have very little to do with your ability to contract this disease of stupidity. Case in point would be your idiotic colleague who bugged you earlier. A smile then comes across your face. "I don't NEED a f**king excuse to behave stupid! Look at HIM! He's stupid ALL THE TIME, and even he got a job!! Hahahaha....." you tell yourself as the lightbulb goes off in your head. So you then decide "I ain't doing any f**king work tonight. I'm packing up, and I'm going to go jogging in the park. You had your shoes and your shorts ready in the car since morning anyway.
And after a round of cursing to yourself, you leave office, feeling that bit better than before. It's a miracle what learning a bit of french can do for your moods.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I quit Facebook... and I didnt die
I just deactivated my Facebook account. I did it on a whim.
Actually I was looking for the 'delete account' button. But discovered that Facebook offered no such buttons. Once you're in, you can never get out! I never realized that! I guess they assumed anyone wanting to delete their Facebook account is either crazy or out of their mind.
It makes you stop to and wonder about how life was like before social networking websites ever existed. And I guess for most users today below 20 years of age, they'd have no idea how that's supposed to feel like. For one, the most active place people communicated with each other was forums, chats (ICQ), and of course, good old fashion email. (Isn't it funny that emails are already considered old fashion when it's been around 20 years or so, while letter have been there for centuries!). This is probably also the same generation that assumes that by default, every 15 year old kid has a mobile phone of their own.
Perhaps I AM crazy, or out of my mind. I have a feeling most people would find the act of deleting your Facebook account to be unthinkable. But I did think about it... and I decided, I'm going to delete it.......or at least deactivate it la.
How earth shattering is it REALLY going to be anyway? Of the measly 187 people I had on my list, at least half were people I haven't spoken to or met in a year (many of which I've been contemplating to delete). Many others I've either met only once or twice. Some are people I know from work, others are relatives. How many of them were what I'd consider real life non-virtual-world friends? I think less than 20. And these 20 or so people.... they don't need Facebook to keep in touch with me. They actually call, text me, email or meet up with me whenever possible. You think the world's going to miss my online presence? Think again.
There was a time when this blog was all I had as far as online activities went. There were only 2 reasons I went to the cyber cafe every few days or so.. to check my email (which often had no mail anyway) and to just write my heart out. I didn't care if anyone read it (I knew there weren't, and if there were, they were strangers), I didn't bother about being eloquent, and I didn't bother about layout, or fonts sizes, or blog templates. But it was enough. It was more for myself than for anyone else. One or two anonymous comments would come every once in a while.. and I would feel like somewhere out there, someone listened, and shared my heart. And it was enough.
Things like Facebook came along, and turned all of us into self absorbed narcissists and compulsive virtual stalkers. There was a point in time where I'd check my Facebook countless times a day, just seeing what people were up to, and if anyone left a comment on my page. I'd obsess over which picture to put on my profile and only be too eager to post my latest pictures online... assuming as if people just couldn't wait to see what I had to show the them. I'd get excited every time someone posted a comment on my wall, or my picture.. or whatever at all. It became almost as if we have turned to Facebook to satisfy our sense of existence and belonging amongst others.
I think subconsciously, we all assumed that people would be interested in what we have to share... or at least we hope they do. Have you ever stopped to wonder if what you are about to post, whether it's a new album, or a new note, or a new wall post, is something your friend are actually interested to know?
I love this blog of mine so much more than I do my Facebook account for a few very simple reasons. For one, this blog is immensely more personal to me. I write a lot of my personal and private thoughts here, more than I ever do with even people close to me. It's my escape. It's my release. Secondly, opposite to how we approach Facebook-ing (is that a real word yet?) I assume by default that nothing I write here is of interest to anyone, except myself of course. It's not MEANT to be interesting to anyone. It's just meant to be personal..... TO ME. And throughout the history of my blogging days, I'd safely say that every single person who has visited my page (which is really really very measly trust me) came by stumbling upon it. I have made zero attempts at diverting traffic here. Someone once asked me why I don't just put this blog as private if I didn't want risk people I know reading it. Well, I guess, as personal as it is to me, a part of me still wanted to share whatever I had to say to the world, and I still wanted it to be available for anyone who wanted to read it, whether by fate or by interest..... or both.
To put it in an analogy (yes, I know I speak in analogies all the time.... but so did Jesus right? Hahaha).....
When I log into Facebook, I feel like I'm in this big giant hall, and everyone's in there. We're all wearing big giant hats with out 'Status' on it.. and everyone gets to read whatever you want to say. Our left hand is holding up a big giant collage of all our favourite pictures. Our right hand is a smorgasbord of notes, video clips, games, applications etc etc... and we're all just running around randomly and endlessly, having a quick laugh here, dropping a short comment here, giving our thumbs up there.. before moving on to the next bozo. It's fun for a while... but after a while, it gets tiring for me, not to mention lame.... and meaningless. Because there really isn't really a point to it beyond the little tid bit details you gain from your friends here and there. Oh, she's got a bf now. Oh, he just went to Cameron. Oh, he was late for work today. Oh, Avatar was awesome, but chipmunks sucked..... I know all this little bits of everyone... then what? Then what my friend?
On the other hand, with my blog, I feel like I'm in my own little flower garden. It's empty, but every single plant or ornament is a post I placed there with a lot of heart.. and a lot of passion, and I feel a very strong sense of ownership over it. There is a nice lazy chair in the middle where I sit, to either soak up the sun on a good day, or curse at the sky, on a bad day. It's my little garden, but it's open for anyone who wishes to venture in and smell the roses, or ask about the funny ornaments that surround it.... and I'd gladly and proudly explain each and every one of them. Every visitor came on their own accord (however few), every comment came from their own desire to connect with the gardener, me.
I think I'll stop here, less you start to think I'm falling in love with my own blog.. or my own self. :-P
I think I'm going to keep my Facebook account deactivated for now. That's not to say I'm through with it for good. I never said that. It's just that as far back as I can recall, it has given me no real lasting value, either in strengthening real friendships and relationships, or in connecting to people I really want to connect with. All it gives me is 300 meaningless bite sized live updates everyday about a hundred over people, whom I hardly talk to or care about. It HAS caused me to spend countless mouse clicks deleting email notifications. It HAS made me less productive at work, and it HAS made me feel like I'm connected to everyone yet still sorely lacking any depth in any of those connections.... which is WORSE than not being connected to anyone at all.
So at least for now, as far as social networks websites go.. thanks, but no thanks. Perhaps I'll reactivate my account again.... if I start to feel too much life a prehistoric hermit. In the mean time, at least this prehistoric hermit will continue the (already) prehistoric activity of blogging... which I will have you know....were first started back in Egypt.. thousands of years ago. What else did you think those ancient hieroglyphics were really about?
Cheers everyone.
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