God... I don't want anything. I just want a hug

I brought my mother to church last Sunday morning. Church on Sunday mornings seem to have become our little 'together' time for my mother and I, whenever I do manage to wake up to go that is... or whenever I'm not sleeping. My mother's quite clingy to me. If you ever see me with outside eyes, as we walk down the street to the church entrance, you will see this big overgrown young chap with a belly way too big, and eyes way too small.. and next to him, this petite, slightly limping, short woman clinging on to the guys' arm with a lot of involuntary facial movements on her face.

It was the first Sunday of the year.. and service was a bit longer than usual and for some reason, the worship team decided to sing all sorts of variations the song Amazing Grace. I love Amazing Grace... it touches me deeply every time I listen to it. I turned to my mother and casually told her "Ma, when I die, I want this song to be one of the songs played on my eulogy....." She looked at me and reached out her hand.. and clasped her palms against mine and kept silent for a while. "Don't think about death Hann.... You're still young, and you have a full life to live." she said to me... and kept silent. I looked back at her and kept silent as well. I wasn't sure if I had just touched a raw nerve with her, talking about me dying. My father once told me that it is every parents worst nightmare to outlive their children.. and to have to watch their children die before the. I just continued holding her hand, this time pulling it so that I was clasping it with both my hands. I tried thinking about how many people would actually be affected if I just dropped dead one day. I don't think there were that many, but they were significant to me. I heard a phrase once that said "Do not pity the dead. Pity the living.. and those who live without love. If I died today, who would be there to take care of them? And that song written by Garth Brooks and re-sang by Ronan Keating "Is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?" People always think funerals are for the deceased. But its actually for the living.. and those left behind to struggle on in life.. before finally passing on too.

After a few moments, I tossed the thoughts away. Spending your Sunday mornings thinking but your death was a bit too morbid, even for my standards.

I have a thing for the sound of pianos. I'm enchanted every single time I find myself standing before a pianist belting out song after song passionately, as if the essence of the song is literally flowing out of the tip of their fingers. A few weeks earlier, walking alone in the mall, there was a lady playing Christmas carols on the piano. I smile and nod at her, and stood there for a good 25 minutes just watching her playing song after song with so much enthusiasm and so much heart... it just entranced me. And I only left because I didn't want to freak the poor lady out fearing I might be some sort of crazy stalker.

And that Sunday morning, as the Pastor asked everyone to rise, bow our heads, close our eyes and join in prayer... the pianist worked his melodious magic. And I know I was really supposed to be focusing on God, and praying for the sick, and the poor and the needy and what have you.... but I was emotionally overwhelmed, as I had been for the past week anyway. And all I could think of in the still and quiet of that prayerful moment was "God............ I don't want anything. I just want a hug." It was at that moment that I realized just how starved of affection I really was. My heart felt like it was achiong, for want of a hug. I wanted a hug. I needed a hug.

Growing up mostly with my relatives, and also with my step mother and father, we were never really very touchy people. My father used to hug us and lift us up onto his shoulders when we were kids. But I guess most of it stopped after we grew up. I never started being touchy and 'huggy' until I actually started being in a relationship. And once I started...I guess I never stopped, as if trying to make up for the first 17 years of lack of hugs and physical affection. I hugged and I kissed my partner.... every damn day without fail, unless she was pissed at me and threatened to bite my arm if I came anywhere near her.

I reached out, and held my mother by the shoulder, as we walked away from church.. and I gave her a brief, sideways hug, and she held my arm close to her body. She was never this touchy or warm when I was growing up. Maybe it was because of the depression and schizophrenia that made it impossible in the past. Back then, if she wasn't lying around sleeping the whole day, she was up, going on and on in the most paranoid manner about my father and his alleged affairs. But these days, the gives out hugs and kissed to us, as often as the opportunity arises... which makes me really glad. We drove off and went home.

That night, as we were about to part ways, she again, extended her arms wide open, and I hugged her tightly.. and she gave me a kiss on my cheek.. again someting she never did when I was young. And I was just thinking.. perhaps I wasn't the only one trying to make up for loss time when it came to hugs and kisses. I drove in silence... and asked myself of all days, of all times, why did I suddenly have this strong desire or need to be hugged. Why now? Why today?

Maybe it's because deep down... I'm still feeling lonely... and longing so badly for some sort of affection. I'm still trying to come to terms... trying to get grips on the fact that I could leave office at 6.30pm or 9.30pm.. and it doesn't really make a difference, because no one's waiting for me. I could decide to take a 2 hour drive down to Melaka and have chicken rice ball and Satay celup, stay the night there, travel further south to Singapore and make my slow way home through the trunk roads and be home 2 days later... and no one would really mind or care in any way. No one really cares. I am alone. And it's hard to admit.

I think my pride has somehow not allowed me to admit that I'm lonely. Not to myself, and certainly not to the people around me. A friend ask me point blank, as 6~7 of us were out having dinner together "How? Are you lonely?". And I stared blankly at him. It was the last question I was prepared to answer. "Welll...okaaaaay la.. I mean... It's alright. I'm managing. It's not like I'm going to die." I managed a weak smile before burying my head, looking down at the food I was eating. And in my heart, I just wonder "Why do people even bother asking such silly questions anyway? OF COURSE I FEEL LONELY YOU IDIOT, DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK? Do you expect me to have some sort of emo episode right there and then? I love my friends to bits.. but they sure can be such a bunch of insensitive idiots at times.

School has been out for me for a good few years now. But I guess when it comes to the subject of love, and life..... and everything in between, class is never out. There is always something to learn, or re-learn. And for me this year, I either have to learn how to get more hugs without actually having to ask for one.... or I just need to finally learn how to be by myself without feeling like half a person.

of Nostalgia and Sing-Alongs

Something unexpected happened today.

We were on the way home after a short round of shopping in Ikea. I had wanted to buy myself a small table top for my room and since I was already out with both my parents, I told them to come along with me. I think I have been brooding pretty much the entire day today.... and even though I managed to pull through the day without actually pissing anyone off, I knew I wasn't exactly acting like your average bundle of sunshine either.

A few days earlier, I had burned myself another new mixed CD to listen in my car.. usually jumbled up with whatever songs it was I was currently in to... And one of those songs was Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters... the only oldies in the CD.. and also the last song.. or what I liked to call, the 'closing' song.

Anyway, there I was, continuing my silence as I inched forward in the jam, not bothering to make too much conversation with either of them... and they too seemed lost in their own thought. And then, this song came on... and suddenly, my father started tapping his fingers, then started drumming the dashboard. And my mother, who was sitting in the back seat.. started... SINGING ALONG.. word for word!! My mother never sings!! And here she was singing it with all the familiarity of a well loved song! And pretty soon, my father was humming it to himself too!

I looked away and out to the window. I had to bite my lips to contain the smile that was forming on my face. In a short span of 30 seconds, I had gone from sour-faced-brooding-emotional-wreck to silly-chap-laughing-at-his-parents-doing-sing-along.....I don't know why this felt so special to me.. only that it did. Maybe because it was so unexpected. Maybe because it was my favourite song too. Or maybe it was because I just KNEW that a song like this can only evoke one kind of feeling in everyone.. and that was nostalgia. I didn't have to know what was going on in each of their minds to know what they were feeling...and whatever it was, I was sure they were all thinking back on their past, as I was doing at that moment. And for some reason I still cannot crystallize into words just why that felt like such a tender moment to me.

Though I was out with both of them, my parents were not together anymore. The only reason they were sitting in the car, was because I was taking both of them out. They were married.. for over 15 years (give or take a few years).. before things just crumbled apart;  infidelity, distrust, depression, mental illness.... my brother and I watched as their marriage crumbled piece by piece. God knows how many things have happen between them. Hurtful words exchanged, betrayals, abuse..... to suddenly find the two of them living together again under the same roof purely out of the lack of any other option... was still a bit awkward for everyone.

And as the song played on.. I wondered whether the two of them were in any way thinking about their long ago doomed marriage. The boy driving the car (that's me by the way) was a direct product of the love they shared. I wondered if it was possible for them to look at my face and not be reminded of it.

Whatever it was they were thinking as they song those few lines, loudly and unabashedly in my car, I hope there were at least a few good or sweet things that were worth recalling back on too in addition to the bitter ones...

I continued smiling to myself, long after the song had finished.... STILL trying to pin point exactly what is it about that moment that seemed to spark something in my heart and lifted my spirits a bit. Maybe it's just life I was smiling at. I don't know. Or maybe it's just the sweet part of the better sweet nature of nostalgia that got my heart feeling alive again. I guess a very dear friend of mine got it spot on when she wrote these following lines in her own blog:


"I finally understand why people are so reluctantly fond of reminiscing about the past. Because it's bittersweet. Sometimes the bitter is too painful to remember... and the sweet too beautiful to forget."

What beautiful way of summing up how nostalgia feels like. Maybe that's why I was smiling. I'm such a sucker for nostalgia.

Sigh... :-)

Shopping for the Wrong things at the Wrong Place

I walked around The Gardens at Midvalley yesterday.. on the first day of the new year.

"I'm window shopping..:" I replied to someone on text. I hardly ever window shop, unless I was buying windows. I was looking for something alright... but it wasn't anything I could buy off the stores, unless you know of a store that has Solitude on sale, and maybe a pharmacy that has a cure for Loneliness and Heartache. Where's the Sunday promoters giving out free samples of Love and Sacrifice and Contentment, Joy or Happiness in the supermarket?

The closest I've found in stores that do give you a boost in spirits is Kopi-O-Extra-Kau with lots and lots of caffeine in it.

Truth was... I've just been needing a lot of time alone. Maintaining a smile and cheerful face is quite an exhausting task when your heart just isn't there. I did exactly as had planned yesterday. I had dinner with my friends. I brought food, we toasted to the new year, we spoke and laugh about old times in college, we looked at old vacation and university days pictures together on the big screen and we planned when we would all meet up next. All find and dandy. Except that every other time I was alone, I could feel the muscles in my face weaken and the act of smiling started to become an act of will power rather than a natural reaction. I needed to get out of there before my lack of spirit started to become too obvious to everyone. I left and headed for the park... there was a hill, and a pond right next to each other.. Both of which I was equally fond of. I sat on the grass, and ushered in the new year in silent contemplation.

I woke up today, and after an impromptu lunch with someone, I continued my walk through the mall.. just visiting shops, looking at people and busying myself with my own thoughts..... You'd think that when someone is just dedicating his mind to purely thinking, he / she will be able to suddenly come up with some sort of amazing insight into life and all it's ups and downs. But not so with me. I had no brilliant flash of inspiration. I was just peering into the stores and wondering how anyone ever affords walking into a store that sells a luggage bag for five thousand dollars per bag. Everything from blouses, jeans, watches and shoes all cost easily a thousand bucks more.. even if they didn't look a thousand bucks more.

WHY do people buy these things anyway? Does having more money, and having more expensive stuff really make us happier off? Cuz really... I earn more money now than I ever did as a kid.. so how come I'm more miserable now than I was before?  Sometimes, I do fall into that trap of chasing money. I imagine myself having so much money, I would travel anywhere and everywhere my hearts desire.. with the persons that mean most to me. I would never have to work another day. I would just focus my life on seeing all the beauty and wonder of this earth, getting to know the people I love most, and just living and experience life. Instead of slogging around in office, making someone else richer...

For the thousandth time, I thought to myself  "Money is a good servant...... but a poor master." Money helps cure a lot of the miseries in life. You never worry about medical bills. You don't think twice about bringing your special someone to some place nice to eat. You can buy the things you want for your loved ones without hesitation. But, you don't need money to be happy.. Or rather, having money doesn't make you happy. And in my life... the best moments I've ever had, the happiest times I had, came at little or no cost at all. Simple joys like having someones company, or sharing a laugh, or spending time together, a tender and intimate moment......And they make your heart leap like nothing else in the world. These things don't cost a thing. This is what people mean.. when they say the best things in life are free.

But these so called 'free' things... you can't buy them with money.. Not for a million bucks. You can't buy someones affection. You can't buy someone's time. You can't buy their heart. And if money can't buy you any of these things, that what's the point of money beyond keeping you alive? They might not cost you a cent to receive these simple pleasures of life... but if you really know how hard and how rarely these moments every come, you'll know how precious and invaluable they really are. And why generations of people have been so reluctant to to a price tag on things life Love and Happiness.

The posters and advertisements around the mall show people being happy and contented, smiling while wearing expensive cloths and expensive cameras. They tell you you need a five thousand dollar camera if you truly want to capture and preserve those fleeting moments in your life. They conveniently forget to tell you that the best piece of equipment you have to capture a moment is your mind, using all your senses, and the best place to store those beautiful memories... is in your heart, which they will also never tell you, has infinite capacity.

Sigh....

After a few hours of mindless walking.. I headed home. I think I was looking for the wrong things at the wrong places. Plus there was plenty of coffee at home.

Happy New Year 2010..

So it's the end of the year already.

I don't know about you, but I've been hearing the same thing from everyone around me. The year 2009 seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. And before you know it, December is already coming to an end.

This first decade of this millennium is the first decade in which I am able to recall everything that I did in my life. Born smack in the middle of the 1980s, I hardly remember anything from that era. The 1990s were partly remembered because I was just entering my teens then. This decade of 2000~2010 will be the first (and hopefully not the only) decade in which I am able to recall things as an (almost) adult.

Do you remember the millennium? Where were you as the clock stroke of midnight? I was sitting out in a quite field with just one other person next to me. We sat there for hours, talking about love, life, society, Armageddon, the Backstreet Boys... but mostly about love.. or at least love as any other 15 year old would see it. She was my cousin, and at that time, the closest person I had whom I could share everything with. There was no countdown, there was no excited anticipation of the new year. We just talked and talked.. and when we finally saw fireworks in the sky and people cheering on the streets and in their houses, the moment had passed. I just turn to look at her, smiled and said "Happy New Millennium cuz..." That was it. That as how I ushered in the new year.

And you know what? It remains my favourite way of ushering any new year. I don't want to be standing amongst a crowd of a hundred other people. Counting 10, 9, 8, 7........ I want to be sitting quietly somewhere overlooking either the skyline, or an open field or a hill, something like that. I want it to be a quiet place. And I want to be with just one person... or the most two or three.

I decided that this year, if I cannot be with the person(s) that matters to me at the stroke of midnight, I don't want to be with anybody at all. I will drive out and away from friends whom I love to bits but hardly know anything about me, or my heart. I will search for the quietest spot I can find around town, hopefully either up on a hill, or overlooking a quiet field..... and try to make some sort of sense of the things that are going in my life.

I want to look up at the sky and ask God if he really is this mischievous little kid that's holding a magnifying glass, burning the tiny little ants he created just for the fun of it. I'll look up and ask God why is it that when he created life, he had to dish it with huge servings of irony. And why is it that for so many people, love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop? Why did God make sacrifice the ultimate expression of love? Why does love have to inevitably come also with pain? Couldn't he have made a snuggle and a kiss the ultimate expression of love? Cuz that sure as hell  seems much more simple and pleasant. Maybe when God was putting in the ingredients that made up love, he decided to drop in a whole bunch of ginseng root. But really God, couldn't you just have put in a spoon of Scott's Emulsion?

I'm putting in my Happy New Year wishes early. So, Happy New Year my friend. Three things I wish upon you as we usher in the coming of a new year; good health, happiness......but above all else, love in its every sense... (even if there is essence of ginseng in it).

Cheers.

Uncovering Audio Diamonds V

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

This is the kind of song you here when you wake up with a BANG...

It's kind of song that makes you bob your head and drum at your car steering wheel...

This is the kind of song that makes you close your eyes and just imagine you're a rock stare screaming "Are you gonna be my girl...."

This is the kind of song you listen to if your heart is so overflowing with excitement you just need to let it all out without giggling like a silly school boy.

Sometimes, that's the beauty of music... It doesn't always have to be deep and meaningful and insightful.

Sometimes, it's good enough to just feel so damn good.

Cheers everyone!

The point is LOVE

This post has no focus, has no topic, has no purpose.

The only purpose is perhaps for me to sit down and write something and imagine I have some brilliant new insight into life, or love or whatever else. But I have none. I have no insight today.. sorry…

There’s a saying that the wise speak because they have something to say whereas the fools speak because they have to say something. Today, I feel like being a fool. And today I’d like to say these few completely random, awkward lines, in no particular order:

A gift is something that can only be given, never demanded. Love is the ultimate gift you can give someone.

Sacrifice is the ultimate expression of love. Hence love and sacrifice, which are synonym with one another, are the greatest gifts you can give someone.

The fruits and benefits of love that people enjoy are never from the love they selfishly demanded, but the one's they gracefully received, unasked for.

Love can sometimes feel liberating and empowering. It can make you soar in the sky, float up in the clouds. You feel strong and invincible. You feel like you could brave the seas and climb mountains. You’ll do anything; travel thousands of miles, relocate to Cambodia, migrate to a foreign land, risk life and limb, rob a bank (not recommended), stick your neck out, get in trouble, learn a new language, give up meat, run a marathon, give something up… You’ll do it. You’ll do it because you love.

Love can sometimes feel like a binding chain. It makes you feel constricted, bound and trapped. You feel like you are obliged to do this, or say that, or act in a certain way. You no longer make decisions solely on what you want, and what's best for you. You think in terms of what the other person might feel, because the consequences of your decisions affect not just you anymore. You lose your sense of complete freedom. Some people tell you that’s not love. Some people tell you that’s not how love is supposed to feel. But trust me, that’s love too. Only difference is, that one is love for yourself.

Someone asked me how you’re supposed to love someone if you don’t have any feelings for the other person. Other people said that you aren’t supposed to just rely on your feelings all the time; love is more than just about feelings. And it doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything for that person, you can still love them. Bull crap.

Yes, love is more than just feelings. Yes, you aren’t going to feel ‘in love’ all the time. But if you wake up one day and look at your partner, and feel nothing at all for them; no affection, no endearment, no joy, no anger, no annoyance, no impatience, nothing at all. If you feel nothing at all, then something is seriously wrong. Love fills you up, one way or another. If you feel hollow, something is missing; and that’s love.

People say love is an act. CORRECT. You act in a loving and life giving way, because somewhere really deep in your heart, you still KNOW YOU HAVE LOVE FOR THEM, even if you don’t feel it at the moment. How do you know if you have love? Listen to your heart.

Faith; an intrinsic believe of something you don’t always (or ever) see, touch, hear or FEEL. But you believe in its existence anyway. If you find it hard to believe in God, at least believe in love. Have faith that love does and can exist in the hearts of others, and also in your own heart.

Then realize that love is a manifestation of God.

People say that in its purest form, love is supposed to be completely selfless. There is no place for selfishness if you love someone. When you love someone / something, you think only of their benefit, and of their good, forsaking your own needs. But that’s untrue. Because even after you forsake your own needs, and feelings and wants and do what is best for the person you love, you are still being selfish. Because the person you love is now an extension of yourself. And what good you do to them, is a good you do to yourself too.

That’s why, when you give or do something for someone you love, you feel more like you’ve gained rather than loss.

An author naturally writes about what's closest to his heart given a blank sheet. We are all authors of our own live stories and we all end up shaping our lives around the thing closest to our hearts. And that was, is, and will always continue to be love.

I think I was wrong…. This post, along with my life, does have a point after all.

The point is LOVE.

A Convenient Lie...

“A big bunch of us are gathering. You wanna join?” asked the message.

“I already have plans tonight. Can't make it. Sorry. Maybe next time OK.” went my reply.

I LIED.

There were no plans.

There wasn't even any real reason behind it,

I just didn’t feel like seeing them.