I'm exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally.
Work is at its peak. Staying back is becoming a norm. Working on weekends is expected. I'm steadily leading towards a collision with someone from work. Arguments have been abound. Deadlines have been short. Clients have been extra shitty. I've been losing my temper. I've been growing fat. I've not been able to exercise regularly. Sex drive is at an all time low, and so is the sex. Expenses have been climbing. Income has been stagnant. Money hasn't been enough. Pressure has been mounting. Wedding is approaching. Honey moon has not been planned. Holidays have been canceled due to work. Laptop has been giving problems. Brother in law needs money from me. Father in law does things behind my back. Fiancee is needy and calls 3 times a day. Haven't spoken to own father for a month now since he's with his new girlfriend. Worried about brother whose now grossly obese but refuses to diet. Mother-in-law suspiciously made a huge withdrawal from the bank. Loaned fifteen thousand dollars to a friend. Not sure if we'll ever see that money again. Friends have been busy or away. Been struggling to make new friends. Been struggling with church. Been struggling with my faith. Just basically.... been struggling.
Ironically, only my mother has been exceedingly well. In the past, she was the biggest source of my worry and sorry.
I've been trying. Trying not to think so much. Not to dramatize things so much. Not to over think things. Life should be simple. Hearts should be whole. Not every incident that happens in life is supposed to have some sort of profound meaning. Sometimes, shit just happens. And shit pondered over too much just because philosophical crap... which I suspect I'm pretty good at.
I'm sorry. I don't have any words of inspiration for you. I don't have any profound words to say. I'm tired. I don't feel up to laughing and smiling and having a good time. I want to whine and vent.. and break stuff.. and be pissed off. I want to not have to hide my sour face. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to be righteous, or composed or sensible.
I don't want to be told what to do. What the solution is. What should be done. How to resolve things or how I should behave.
I miss being comforted. I miss being gently & lovingly touched. I miss having someone to whine to. Someone to listen as I talk about the annoying stuff about my day without me having to worry if I'm boring them. I miss being told I'm wonderful or awesome or great. I miss not having to be angry because someone else is angry on my behalf. I miss the feeling of being loved.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
When Ideals Fail
I’ve been tossing and turning, but I can’t sleep.
Truth is, my heart is disturbed.
I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.
Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.
Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.
I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.
It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.
I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.
But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?
I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.
My ideals had been proven foolish after all.
How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.
I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.
See what I have become?
Truth is, my heart is disturbed.
I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.
Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.
Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.
I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.
It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.
I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.
But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?
I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.
My ideals had been proven foolish after all.
How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.
I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.
See what I have become?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
3 Little Wishes
You know when people celebrating their birthday and are just at the brink of blowing out the candles on their birthday cake? For some reason, everyone expects the birthday boy / girl to make a wish before that. I’ve always wonder why is that. Is it because we somehow expect that if there was any day where your wish might come true, it would be on your birthday. What about a shooting star? People say if you chance upon a shooting star, it’s a good time to make a wish. Does that also mean that if you saw a shooting star on your birthday, your wish is as good as granted?
Well, I honestly don’t remember ever seeing a shooting star ever in my life. But it is my birthday today. So by the power vested in me by the celestial powers of The-Birthday-Boy, here is a 3-in-1 wish I am asking for.
(If you’re listening God, I hope you’re taking notes)
At this very moment, I know that someone just came home from a day in hospital. Her husband just had a heart failure and she doesn’t know if he’s going to make it. Someone out there is still coming to terms with the death of their mother. Someone is still coming to terms with the death of their father. Someone out there is nursing a broken heart. Someone one there is feeling terrified about leaving home. Someone out there is missing home. I know these people personally... and I wish for them:
Strength
May they find the strength to endure what is to come. May they find within them a reservoir of strength to draw upon when life seems to suck them of all their energy. May they stand strong when the things they cherish, the people they know, the love they found, or the things they have all start falling apart. May they find in themselves strength they never recognized, power they never realized and endurance they never knew. May they know that they are far tougher than they first believe.
Courage
And if and when their strength is at an end, may they have courage; courage to drag their feet out of bed even when it feels so hard; courage to face people; courage to face new challenges; courage to go on in life; courage to pick up the pieces; courage to put one feet in front of the other even when it terrifies you because you honestly don’t know how to continue on. courage to admit that we need help; courage to admit our wrongs; courage to admit we are scared. May courage to live never leave them even as they find themselves at the end of their strength. May fear not be the end their courage, but rather the reason for it.
Hope
And may they keep in their heart, a hope that never dies. A hope for resolution; a hope for peace; a hope for life after death; a hope for a better future; a hope for a safe passage; a hope for a second chance; a hope for something better; a hope for someone better. Just like love, hope is a belief that sometimes makes no sense at all. But just like love, It is also a belief every one of us hold on to without ever letting go. Even if the flames in their heart dim to a flicker, even if life brings them to their knees, even if their hearts have been shattered a million pieces a million times over, may the unbreakable and steely presence of hope hold them together. That though they may lose their life, their loved ones, their love or their home…. they will never lose hope.
Because as much as I wish it… we all eventually run out of strength, our courage eventually fails us.. but hope… Hope does not disappoint us. Especially not when it doesn't come from within but sent from up above.
These are my wishes today as a birthday boy. May God grant them, not to me but to those who need it.
God bless you….
Well, I honestly don’t remember ever seeing a shooting star ever in my life. But it is my birthday today. So by the power vested in me by the celestial powers of The-Birthday-Boy, here is a 3-in-1 wish I am asking for.
(If you’re listening God, I hope you’re taking notes)
At this very moment, I know that someone just came home from a day in hospital. Her husband just had a heart failure and she doesn’t know if he’s going to make it. Someone out there is still coming to terms with the death of their mother. Someone is still coming to terms with the death of their father. Someone out there is nursing a broken heart. Someone one there is feeling terrified about leaving home. Someone out there is missing home. I know these people personally... and I wish for them:
Strength
May they find the strength to endure what is to come. May they find within them a reservoir of strength to draw upon when life seems to suck them of all their energy. May they stand strong when the things they cherish, the people they know, the love they found, or the things they have all start falling apart. May they find in themselves strength they never recognized, power they never realized and endurance they never knew. May they know that they are far tougher than they first believe.
Courage
And if and when their strength is at an end, may they have courage; courage to drag their feet out of bed even when it feels so hard; courage to face people; courage to face new challenges; courage to go on in life; courage to pick up the pieces; courage to put one feet in front of the other even when it terrifies you because you honestly don’t know how to continue on. courage to admit that we need help; courage to admit our wrongs; courage to admit we are scared. May courage to live never leave them even as they find themselves at the end of their strength. May fear not be the end their courage, but rather the reason for it.
Hope
And may they keep in their heart, a hope that never dies. A hope for resolution; a hope for peace; a hope for life after death; a hope for a better future; a hope for a safe passage; a hope for a second chance; a hope for something better; a hope for someone better. Just like love, hope is a belief that sometimes makes no sense at all. But just like love, It is also a belief every one of us hold on to without ever letting go. Even if the flames in their heart dim to a flicker, even if life brings them to their knees, even if their hearts have been shattered a million pieces a million times over, may the unbreakable and steely presence of hope hold them together. That though they may lose their life, their loved ones, their love or their home…. they will never lose hope.
Because as much as I wish it… we all eventually run out of strength, our courage eventually fails us.. but hope… Hope does not disappoint us. Especially not when it doesn't come from within but sent from up above.
These are my wishes today as a birthday boy. May God grant them, not to me but to those who need it.
God bless you….
Monday, July 26, 2010
All I Ever Want
It’s my birthday this week.
I asked myself what I’d like to do on my birthday, and found that I don’t really know. How DOES a person celebrate his own birthday? I know of some people who go around announcing the big occasion to everyone and anyone practically fishing for gifts and well wishes. But I don’t think I could ever bring myself to do that. I’ve always been a bit low profile about such things. I think it’s wrong making a big deal out of yourself. Having people celebrate me is awkward enough without having to oblige people to do it.
Birthdays are supposed to be a big deal, and yet I hardly remember any of them. I don’t know what I did on my 16th, 18th or 21st. The only consistent thing I remember of my birthdays is that people always complain that they don’t know what to get for me. And it gets even more difficult when I tell them that there really is nothing I want. Nothing you can buy from stores anyway. They all inevitably end up giving me things like books without really knowing what I do and don’t read. But truth be told, gifts don’t really do it for me. I’m not the kind that gets touched by the thing you bought, but more by what is conveys. To me, a good gift isn’t one that is shiny, polished or expensive. But one that is deliberate and personal. The kind that shows that you remember what they said, you took note of what they liked, or what they needed at the time. Buying me a pair of polka dot sox because you remember I needed them would mean a lot more to me than say buying an expensive tie which I’d chuck to the side anyway. I don’t know if people understand that.
This year has been a year of solitude for me; with a lot of time spent alone – sometimes by circumstances, sometimes by choice. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so lonely, quite so needy, and quite so vulnerable. And I guess that pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling most of the year – lonely, needy & vulnerable. And I’ve been way too intense, and way too serious to be any sort of fun to be around this year. Even I know it.
But like I said, I don’t know what I’m going to do on my birthday.
I thought of taking the day off. Maybe go on a road trip travelling the country for a day with my camera taking pictures of whatever comes my way. I suppose that’d be quite an interesting thing to do. But I suspect doing it alone would actually make me more depressed than anything else. Otherwise, I’d want to go somewhere where there are nice comfortable seats with a live band playing lounge music the entire night and chill the entire night. But again, it’s just plain sad if you did it alone. Last choice would be to go pig out at the nearby RM20 per head all-you-can-eat-southern-fried-chicken buffet restaurant. That one’s just plain stupid actually.
But while I still haven’t figured out what I do want, I know what I DON’T want. – a barrage of hollow Facebook well wishes.
This is one of the ugly heads of Facebook. One day in a year, your wall will be bombarded with shallow, meaningless birthday wishes from people whom without Facebook, would not even remember how you look like, let alone remember your birthday. In anticipation of this, I have hid my birthday in my privacy settings. I’m not really interested in the well wishes of people who don’t care. Same goes for those who send cute but impersonal emails or text messages about how friends are like stars that you don’t always see but are always there. Sending me spam on my birthday isn’t a gift, it’s an insult.
A birthday is a personal event meant to be celebrated in a personal way. If you want to celebrate or wish someone well on their birthday, please remember these few simple words - up close & personal. Is a call really so hard? Is a cup of coffee really so expensive? If you don’t want to do these things, then the best thing you can do is nothing. A dignified silence is better than an insincere wish – to me at least.
Sigh….
I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.
Maybe…. Maybe…… what’s truly truly upsetting me when I woke up this morning is the thought that there is a very strong likelihood that I will be spending my birthday alone. There is no party being planned. And even if there was, I’d immediately object to it. My family bought me a birthday lunch last Sunday, so I really don’t want to make them do it twice. I don’t expect anything from any of my friends. I have spared the lot of them the need to send me half hearted wishes by not revealing it. And those I consider dear to me – well frankly I’d still love them even if they don’t remember. What they do for me for the rest of the 364 days of the year means so much more. Whether or not they remember doesn’t affect the status of our friendship. Heck, even my own father never gets my birthday right.
People were right when they said they never know what to get me. They say I’m complicated and hard to read. I’m inclined to agree. But what I want on my birthday is the same thing I want every other day. In fact, it’s the same thing everybody wants every day of their lives.
I just want to be appreciated. I just want to know that my tiny little existence has had some sort of meaningful effect on the people I deal with in life. I just want to know that all the things I have done in service of others have not been for for nothing. I want to be reaffirmed that whenever I put others before me, it is not in vain - that the act is acknowledged and appreciated. The only thing I want on the day I was given life, is the assurance that my existence is of meaning to others.
That’s all.
That’s all I ever want
I asked myself what I’d like to do on my birthday, and found that I don’t really know. How DOES a person celebrate his own birthday? I know of some people who go around announcing the big occasion to everyone and anyone practically fishing for gifts and well wishes. But I don’t think I could ever bring myself to do that. I’ve always been a bit low profile about such things. I think it’s wrong making a big deal out of yourself. Having people celebrate me is awkward enough without having to oblige people to do it.
Birthdays are supposed to be a big deal, and yet I hardly remember any of them. I don’t know what I did on my 16th, 18th or 21st. The only consistent thing I remember of my birthdays is that people always complain that they don’t know what to get for me. And it gets even more difficult when I tell them that there really is nothing I want. Nothing you can buy from stores anyway. They all inevitably end up giving me things like books without really knowing what I do and don’t read. But truth be told, gifts don’t really do it for me. I’m not the kind that gets touched by the thing you bought, but more by what is conveys. To me, a good gift isn’t one that is shiny, polished or expensive. But one that is deliberate and personal. The kind that shows that you remember what they said, you took note of what they liked, or what they needed at the time. Buying me a pair of polka dot sox because you remember I needed them would mean a lot more to me than say buying an expensive tie which I’d chuck to the side anyway. I don’t know if people understand that.
This year has been a year of solitude for me; with a lot of time spent alone – sometimes by circumstances, sometimes by choice. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so lonely, quite so needy, and quite so vulnerable. And I guess that pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling most of the year – lonely, needy & vulnerable. And I’ve been way too intense, and way too serious to be any sort of fun to be around this year. Even I know it.
But like I said, I don’t know what I’m going to do on my birthday.
I thought of taking the day off. Maybe go on a road trip travelling the country for a day with my camera taking pictures of whatever comes my way. I suppose that’d be quite an interesting thing to do. But I suspect doing it alone would actually make me more depressed than anything else. Otherwise, I’d want to go somewhere where there are nice comfortable seats with a live band playing lounge music the entire night and chill the entire night. But again, it’s just plain sad if you did it alone. Last choice would be to go pig out at the nearby RM20 per head all-you-can-eat-southern-fried-chicken buffet restaurant. That one’s just plain stupid actually.
But while I still haven’t figured out what I do want, I know what I DON’T want. – a barrage of hollow Facebook well wishes.
This is one of the ugly heads of Facebook. One day in a year, your wall will be bombarded with shallow, meaningless birthday wishes from people whom without Facebook, would not even remember how you look like, let alone remember your birthday. In anticipation of this, I have hid my birthday in my privacy settings. I’m not really interested in the well wishes of people who don’t care. Same goes for those who send cute but impersonal emails or text messages about how friends are like stars that you don’t always see but are always there. Sending me spam on my birthday isn’t a gift, it’s an insult.
A birthday is a personal event meant to be celebrated in a personal way. If you want to celebrate or wish someone well on their birthday, please remember these few simple words - up close & personal. Is a call really so hard? Is a cup of coffee really so expensive? If you don’t want to do these things, then the best thing you can do is nothing. A dignified silence is better than an insincere wish – to me at least.
Sigh….
I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.
Maybe…. Maybe…… what’s truly truly upsetting me when I woke up this morning is the thought that there is a very strong likelihood that I will be spending my birthday alone. There is no party being planned. And even if there was, I’d immediately object to it. My family bought me a birthday lunch last Sunday, so I really don’t want to make them do it twice. I don’t expect anything from any of my friends. I have spared the lot of them the need to send me half hearted wishes by not revealing it. And those I consider dear to me – well frankly I’d still love them even if they don’t remember. What they do for me for the rest of the 364 days of the year means so much more. Whether or not they remember doesn’t affect the status of our friendship. Heck, even my own father never gets my birthday right.
People were right when they said they never know what to get me. They say I’m complicated and hard to read. I’m inclined to agree. But what I want on my birthday is the same thing I want every other day. In fact, it’s the same thing everybody wants every day of their lives.
I just want to be appreciated. I just want to know that my tiny little existence has had some sort of meaningful effect on the people I deal with in life. I just want to know that all the things I have done in service of others have not been for for nothing. I want to be reaffirmed that whenever I put others before me, it is not in vain - that the act is acknowledged and appreciated. The only thing I want on the day I was given life, is the assurance that my existence is of meaning to others.
That’s all.
That’s all I ever want
A Crappy Day
Free MP3 Downloads at MP3-Codes.com
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm feeling like crap. And when I'm feeling like crap.. I like listening to songs like these.. to sort of sooth myself. Something about the deep, low tone of the celo combined with the piano gliding through the notes and the singer singing passionately yet in such a nonchalant kind of way... calms me down.
I'm know a lot of people think acting like you know how to enjoy jazz music is a bit highbrow. But I just like how it sounds, that's all. I don't really know a lot about jazz except that some (like this one) sounds oh-so-awesome... and some just like their making stuff up and trying to make it look deliberate.
Anyway... on this crappy Monday afternoon.. when everything seems to just seem that bit off key, I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk about who pissed me off. I don't want to talk about what's wrong. I just want to lie in bed, listen to my music, stare at my phone and pretend that through sheer willpower, the right person is going to call and ask me how I am.
And for a change, I'd like to be completely selfish in that conversation. I'd like for that person to be totally unconcerned about themselves and listen to what I have to say. For me to rant and vent for a change. I'd want to bitch on and on and on about the this idiot and that moron, this annoying thing and that stupid thing. And at the end of it all.. I'd just want that person to say "Hey.. it's OK, you're just having a bad day. Let me buy you dinner OK?" And I will smile and in my heart, it will already start feeling like perhaps the day wasn't totally crappy after all.
SIGH............
Me and my silly talk. I annoy even myself sometimes.
i-Phone Bibles & Snuggling
I'm old school.
I don't like it when people bring their Bibles on their i-Phones when going to church on Sundays. I believe the Bible is far too important and sacred to have it converged with something else like your MP3 player or phone. It's OK to have it to complement your bible, but never to replace it. If you think it's too much of an inconvenience to bring your old fashion, paper printed Bible along with you on a Sunday morning to church, something is seriously wrong with you.
And to the unmarried couple that was sitting in front of me, please refrain from snuggling and showing public displays of affection especially during when the Word of God is being preached.
You may not think it's a big deal, but it's distracting people (namely me) from their attempts at coming before God with a focused mind and heart.
I don't like it when people bring their Bibles on their i-Phones when going to church on Sundays. I believe the Bible is far too important and sacred to have it converged with something else like your MP3 player or phone. It's OK to have it to complement your bible, but never to replace it. If you think it's too much of an inconvenience to bring your old fashion, paper printed Bible along with you on a Sunday morning to church, something is seriously wrong with you.
And to the unmarried couple that was sitting in front of me, please refrain from snuggling and showing public displays of affection especially during when the Word of God is being preached.
You may not think it's a big deal, but it's distracting people (namely me) from their attempts at coming before God with a focused mind and heart.
Love, Hope, Kindness
I really don’t know.
I guess that’s just life.. I think deep down inside we all believe that if we believe in something deeply enough, if we want something badly enough – that through sheer willpower, it will come true. We do this all the time. In our work, In our relationships, in our lives. People are such hopeful creatures - to the point where we actually deceive ourselves with our optimism.
We’re all stubborn in that sense. We refuse to give up on things like love, hope and kindness even if they seemed to have failed us repeatedly in this life. A big part of us needs to believe as human beings that these ideals and values hold true in this world. Otherwise we will all live in nothing but despair.
Sometimes I really do wish I could do more for people. It breaks my heart watching them as they struggle to pick themselves up having gone through failed relationships, wrong decisions or repeated mistakes. How I wish I could just show up and give them all the right instructions in order so that they need not go through even an ounce of pain and suffering anymore. Though it is not I who suffers directly, I put myself in their shoes, and I feel their pain, and I experience their hurt.
But I can’t. No one can. There is no ‘Dummies Guide’ on how to be happy. There is no definitive guide on how not to make mistakes, or avoid heartache or suffering. As we grow older, though the wiser we seem to get, the harder the challenges life seems to throw at us. It seems like every time we think we’ve learned something to prepare us for the next challenge, life ups the level and we are faced with a problem we again don’t automatically know the answer to. We’re always learning, just one step behind. Just when we think we’ve got It all figured out, life throws a curveball at us and we find ourselves having to learn and relearn what we thought we already knew.
I used to be only too eager to offer people all sorts of advice and pointers – as if there were pre-determined steps you should do for each given situation. There’s a key to every door, a solution to every problem, an advice to every problem. But I stopped doing that – especially when it’s matters of the heart. People who want advice know where to seek it. But more often than not, people already know what they need to do. The thing we need most, is just someone to listen… listen and understand… understand and support - a warm hug, a pat on the shoulder, a word of encouragement. We don’t want the comfort of solutions. We want the comfort of love. More important than knowing a way out of the dark hole we are in, we want to know we are not alone - that we are loved no matter what. That there will ALWAYS be someone who cares for us. That as volatile and unpredictable as life can be, SOME things will always hold true, SOME things will never change, SOME people will always be there for us. We need that. We need that so much.
Like I said, I really don’t know.
I’m out of insight. I know only that whatever happens in life happens for a reason. Some, we figure out later, others we never will. But I believe they do. Sometimes, the reason extends beyond us. There are higher purposes in life that extend beyond our personal self. Just because we don’t entirely understand, doesn’t mean we cannot humbly learn to accept them. When we accept with our heart something we cannot entire prove, it becomes faith.
But like I said, we’re all a bunch of stubborn donkeys in some sense. Though we hurt and we grieve, we cry and we wail, we scream and we shout, we refuse to let our hearts turn into mechanical, emotionless organs. We’d rather put up with the pain than let go of the dogmatic believe that living life filled with love, hope and kindness IS the best and ONLY way to live. Because to live life without these things, isn’t what we’d call living.
Tell you friends – you don’t need advice.
You just need love, hope and kindness.
I guess that’s just life.. I think deep down inside we all believe that if we believe in something deeply enough, if we want something badly enough – that through sheer willpower, it will come true. We do this all the time. In our work, In our relationships, in our lives. People are such hopeful creatures - to the point where we actually deceive ourselves with our optimism.
We’re all stubborn in that sense. We refuse to give up on things like love, hope and kindness even if they seemed to have failed us repeatedly in this life. A big part of us needs to believe as human beings that these ideals and values hold true in this world. Otherwise we will all live in nothing but despair.
Sometimes I really do wish I could do more for people. It breaks my heart watching them as they struggle to pick themselves up having gone through failed relationships, wrong decisions or repeated mistakes. How I wish I could just show up and give them all the right instructions in order so that they need not go through even an ounce of pain and suffering anymore. Though it is not I who suffers directly, I put myself in their shoes, and I feel their pain, and I experience their hurt.
But I can’t. No one can. There is no ‘Dummies Guide’ on how to be happy. There is no definitive guide on how not to make mistakes, or avoid heartache or suffering. As we grow older, though the wiser we seem to get, the harder the challenges life seems to throw at us. It seems like every time we think we’ve learned something to prepare us for the next challenge, life ups the level and we are faced with a problem we again don’t automatically know the answer to. We’re always learning, just one step behind. Just when we think we’ve got It all figured out, life throws a curveball at us and we find ourselves having to learn and relearn what we thought we already knew.
I used to be only too eager to offer people all sorts of advice and pointers – as if there were pre-determined steps you should do for each given situation. There’s a key to every door, a solution to every problem, an advice to every problem. But I stopped doing that – especially when it’s matters of the heart. People who want advice know where to seek it. But more often than not, people already know what they need to do. The thing we need most, is just someone to listen… listen and understand… understand and support - a warm hug, a pat on the shoulder, a word of encouragement. We don’t want the comfort of solutions. We want the comfort of love. More important than knowing a way out of the dark hole we are in, we want to know we are not alone - that we are loved no matter what. That there will ALWAYS be someone who cares for us. That as volatile and unpredictable as life can be, SOME things will always hold true, SOME things will never change, SOME people will always be there for us. We need that. We need that so much.
Like I said, I really don’t know.
I’m out of insight. I know only that whatever happens in life happens for a reason. Some, we figure out later, others we never will. But I believe they do. Sometimes, the reason extends beyond us. There are higher purposes in life that extend beyond our personal self. Just because we don’t entirely understand, doesn’t mean we cannot humbly learn to accept them. When we accept with our heart something we cannot entire prove, it becomes faith.
But like I said, we’re all a bunch of stubborn donkeys in some sense. Though we hurt and we grieve, we cry and we wail, we scream and we shout, we refuse to let our hearts turn into mechanical, emotionless organs. We’d rather put up with the pain than let go of the dogmatic believe that living life filled with love, hope and kindness IS the best and ONLY way to live. Because to live life without these things, isn’t what we’d call living.
Tell you friends – you don’t need advice.
You just need love, hope and kindness.
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