Of Late

I feel a lot less compelled to write in recent months.

I used to make it a point to blog consistently. I used to participate actively in Facebook. But I haven’t done either of these things of late. I used to let my thoughts flow freely from my mind, through my heart, off my fingertips and into cyberspace. It felt good to have a piece of my thought sitting out there for someone like minded out there to read. One of the main reasons I love blogging so much was because it felt like there was always someone there to listen to my most personal and intimate thoughts. It made me feel vulnerable, but connected at the same time.

But I stopped. Or rather, I’ve slowed down. Most of the nights and hours I used to spend pouring my heart out here have been spent around reality… as opposed to this virtual reality.

One of my greatest happiness in life has always been in establishing personal bond s and friendships with the people around me. It’s the thing in life I find to be most rewarding. And when I look at this blog and the way I’ve been attached to it, I realize that I’ve been spending all my time talking to ‘invisible’ people who neither knew me, nor necessarily care about what’s going on in life. A comment or two felt nice, but it does not give me a sense of connection that I needed most. More than that, writing so much with so little comment or response from anyone began to make me feel more and more like I was actually talking to myself. The image in my mind was that of a person standing in front of a mirror, pouring his heart out to his own reflection. And that person was me.

Deep in my heart, the biggest thing I wanted to be in this life… was a difference. I wanted to make a difference, not to the world, not to society, not to my company… just to the people I cared about. Just to the people that come in contact with, just the people I happily label as my dear friends. And not en masse, just one person at a time, one heart at a time.

Over the years, far and in between, I’ve had people come across the thing I wrote that leave me comments or send me messages, thanking me for the words that seem to come straight for their own hearts. And when I get these, I feel a sense of joy and usefulness… that I’ve helped someone somewhere in some little way. But that’s all it has ever been, and perhaps that’s all its ever going to be. Not because of who I am, or who they are, but simply because this is as far as it goes on a platform like this.

Last Friday night, my own heart melted as I heard with my own ears words of appreciation and thanks from a friend to me for being a source of support and strength. I realized that the little time I’ve spent with the people around me, in the flesh, has had a far more significant impact that all the hours I’ve spend sharing my most intimate thoughts here. The things I have gained from this blog is perhaps a virtual place to rant, a small handful of acquaintances and a bigger handful of completely anonymous people dropping in and out. And in all honestly, that isn’t enough for me. I yearn for intimacy and connection that this blog, nor Facebook, nor any other kind of social networking media has been able to give me. Instead, I find it in the short coffee sessions, night out at the movies, the dinners… the places where the persons smile is in skin and flesh, warts and all….not an standardized smiley icon shields away a persons true heart.