An Idle Mind Is...

“Why are you still here?”

“I’ve been here all along.”

“I know. But you can’t be here anymore. There is no place for you in my new life. I can’t afford to have you here anymore.”

“You can’t get rid of me. I’m more a part of you that you’re willing to admit.”

“I don’t want you here anymore...”

“No. You can’t make me leave. You’re just trying to deny that I exist..”

“You’re right. You do exist…. But only because I have allowed you to. Only because I have been weak….”

“So what now hmm? You’ve finally decided to grow some balls? You think you’ve grown strong now just because you heard a couple of sermons and read a few verses? You overestimate yourself. You are weak. I AM YOU. Deep down inside, you WANT me to exist. You NEED me to exist. You can’t STAND being the goody two shoes, church poster boy. I know your heart… and though there seems to be many layers of righteousness above, I know what is in the centre – you are a rebel in your heart of hearts.”

“You’re wrong….”

“Am I? Are you not your father’s son? Does his blood not run through your veins? Do you not possess the same charms as he? Do you not possess the same weakness? Don’t lie to me… I know the answer better than you. Am I not the manifestation of your desires? Am I not the symbol of everything you always wanted to be secretly?”

“You are. You are the person I always thought I want to be. You are guy that has all the fun, you have no guilt conscience, you seek only pleasure. You live the worldly, hedonistic life… even if it’s wrong.. because you just don't give a fuck. Yes, you are the guy that I always wanted to be.”

“Finally, some honesty… own up my friend. I’m here to stay.. because you WANT me to stay.”

“No…… I don’t.”

“Do we have to go through this again my boy?.... Let me try to put this in a simpler way. You WANT me around. I AM you. I am what you TRULY are. Stop kidding yourself… you aren’t some righteous altar boy… far from it. I know what goes on in that sick mind of yours. You fucking love being me. The sooner you admit that, the better. You’ll be happier. You can just continue to have fun, and no one will ever accuse you of being a fake. And that’s what you WILL be if you continue this holier-than-thou talk with me. A fake. ”

“Maybe.. maybe I will just end up being a fake. But things have happened that have made me realize that are things more precious than my own pleasure. There are people more important than my own self. My actions and words are no longer just mine. The things I do affect not only me, but the people around me. I used to love myself. Then I started loving others. And I learned that when you love others, you do what’s best for them, not for yourself – even if it is at your expense, even if it is against the longing of your heart.. …..”

*scoff* “What….You mean like with her?..........”

“………….. yes, like her. But I don’t expect you to understand any of that. It affected me more than you know. It thought me some very precious lessons.”

“Please… I’m not buying any more that crap…..”

“You don’t have to. I’m not trying to put on any airs of righteousness. I know my weakness… But know this. So long as I have the strength, I will fight you. I will fight you every step of the way. And even if I lose every single time, I will not stop fighting. Not as long as there is a purpose greater than myself worth fighting for. There are things I want more than selfish desires. I’m betting my life on love. And I want to be able to proudly say I loved someone, anyone, in the purest sense of the word.”

“You see, amidst all the mess and all the heart ache, an important truth dawned on me - I could never ever bring myself to be like you. Because to be like you meant being heartless. To be like you meant pleasures that are superficial. To be like you meant not truly loving anyone. I couldn’t do that because I truly wanted to love everyone. I want to be able to love the people I choose to love, in whatever capacity that entails – son, brother, husband, friend and yes... even as just a distant stranger.”

That’s why I can never be you….

Good Works

She calls out to the man on the street

"Sir, can you help me?

It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep,

Is there somewhere you can tell me?"

He walks on, doesn't look back

He pretends he can't hear her

Starts to whistle as he crosses the street

Seems embarrassed to be there

She calls out to the man on the street

He can see she's been crying

She's got blisters on the soles of her feet

Can't walk but she's trying

Oh think twice, it's another day for

You and me in paradise

Oh think twice, it's another day for

You and me in paradise

Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise

I thought twice today. I passed one of them and ignored them as usual. I already knew how I felt about them.... but I didn't stop to think what it was she was holding in her arms. Then I realized... it was a baby. I turned around, walked up to her.. and emptied all the loose change and small notes I had in my pocket and put them in her dirty yellow bowl.

She bowed her head in thanks. But I dared not look into her eyes. I was ashamed in some ways. Whatever I was giving, I knew it was not enough. Spare change doesn't qualify as philanthropy.

And now I find myself wondering - why is it that dying to self is still not evident in my life? Why does it not come naturally? If I am truly renewed... why is there no fruit to show? Where are my good works? Can it be.. . that I am in fact... still lost?

*shrugs*

Yong Vui Kong

My heart goes out to a 20 year old boy named Yong Vui Kong tonight.

If you haven’t heard of him, it’s time you do.

Vui Kong is currently locked up in jail in Singapore. He has until the end of the month to live before being executed – for drug trafficking.

But before you start making assumptions, know this; Vui Kong is from Sabah. His father left when he was 3. His lived with his grandfather who was abusive. His mother worked 12 hours a day trying to support her 6 children. He grew up in poverty. He never stopped school when he was ten to wash cars. His salary was RM3 per day. Food was never enough and his mother alone could not make ends meet. To help, Vui Kong moved to KL, trying to earn enough money to help his mother. With no education, no ability to read, write or speak, the only jobs Vui Kong could were ones where wages were a mere possibility and beatings likelihood.

And that’s when Vui Kong met the only people who could give him any decent kind of work and paying him properly without being abused – local triads.. TAIKO. Vui Kong help his taiko sell VCD’s and collect debts… and the first time in his life, he actually had enough money to buy her mother a present for his mother’s birthday. She had been sick. But Vui Kong didn’t have a chance to give her the present.

A few days later, big brother asked Vui Kong to deliver a ‘gift’ to his friends in Singapore – with a promise of a significant reward for doing this favour. Vui Kong naively agreed. You don’t try to be smart and ask too many questions when the boss gives you a task especially one that promised a good reward. It’s not like he had a choice anyway. Doing work for Big Brother seemed to be the only decent thing he could do to make a living.

Vui Kong was arrested in Singapore. He had unknowingly carried in 47.27g of heroin. Big brother told him the packet just contained smuggled cigarettes.

And now, Vui Kong faces death.

No one disputes the laws of the country. No one disputes that he was found with drugs. But do you think Vui Kong deserves to die for this? Many do not feel so. Articles have been written, petitions have been forwarded, and pleas have been made for the Singapore President to grant clemency to this boy. Singaporeans, Malaysians, people from the international community – no one wants to see this boy die. This was not some evil drug trafficker. This was an innocent boy. Naïve and ignorant perhaps – but innocent nonetheless.

But the Singapore government has a hard task ahead. It is a country that strictly upholds it laws with no compromise. It has a job of enforcing the laws of the country and preserving its peace. Should it grant Vui Kong a pardon, they fear that the malicious Big Brother will look for more innocent boys like Vui Kong to be their drug mule. What will we do then when 10 other Vui Kong’s suddenly emerge? Grant them all a pardon too? It is these triad bosses that we all really want brought to the gallows… even the Singaporean government knows that. But instead, it is stuck with what to do about Vui Kong

We will have to wait and see if the President of Singapore Mr. SR Nathan will grant Vui Kong a pardon. I hope will all my heart that he does. Vui Kongs failure is not of his own.. but of society and humanity. His failure is our failure. His mistake is our mistake. It is our failure as a society that has brought him to this point. It is our responsibility now as society not to punish him - but save him. The law of the land must be respected and upheld. But justice without mercy is cruelty. Let us not blindly enforce our laws to the point of sacrificing our humanity.

In his months in jail, Vui Kong has come to learn the teachings of Buddhism. He has vowed to be a advocate against drug abuse and to use his own life as a testimony to others. I hope he gets his chance to fulfill those vows.

More readings here:

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/opinion/article/a-plea-does-yong-vui-kong-deserve-to-die/
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/yongvuikong/
http://theonlinecitizen.com/2010/05/prejudicing-a-fair-trial-the-yong-vui-kong-case/

The Travel Bug

Man, my backside is starting to get itchy.

I haven't been anywhere this entire year. (Yes, I've been to Singapore a lot.. and also to Sarawak.. but that doesn't really count). I need to go fly somewhere.. anywhere, where the people are different, the food is different, the culture is different. I suppose I have caught the bug ever since the end of studies.

To graduate, I studied in the UK for a short while... I visited Liverpool, Sheffield, Brighton & Whitby, Blackpool & numerous other small towns across the country... I visited the Seven Sisters, went hiking in the Peak District and backpacked for 2 days around London. All of which really left a lasting impression on me. The short way of describing it would be 'charming' I guess.

After that I managed to visit Paris (also on backpack) for a few days with a friend. We slept through the 8 hour bus ride from London to Paris and by the time we woke up, we were in the most visited city in the world. We walked for 3 days, visiting the Champ Elysees, the stunning Sacred Coeur Basilica and of course the Eiffel Tower, which rather comically at the time was filled with Scottish men wearing kilts due to the rugby world cup. In between that, we got harassed and spat on by a homeless 12 year old girl and got cheated out of all the cash we had in our pockets.

After I started work, my first overseas assignment was to Brussels, Belgium. I ate so much chocolate and drank so much beer that when I came back, people joked that I had eaten half of Belgium. But it was also there that I finally started to appreciate beer. I went alone, and I got lost in the middle of a small town where no one spoke English. And somehow by chance, I ended up having coffee with a Chinese woman and a France man, who was insistent on teaching us how to say "Enchanté" properly right in the middle of the Grand'Place. It was also then that I discovered that the MOST important words EVER in French are "Parle vous anglais?" and that French fries were in fact invented by the Belgians.

I went to Thailand for a few days... and the airport proudly proclaimed that Thailand was the 'Land of Smiles'... which turned out to be entirely true. Because we were lost in the middle of town, my Indian colleague and I were trying to bark instructions to the taxi driver, and all she did was continue smiling and nodding her head even when she didn't understand a world we were saying. I found out that when the waiter tells you they have 'flied lice' on the menu.. they really mean Fried Rice, though I'm pretty sure that other kind is available too.


After that, I went to Shanghai for 2 weeks.... and for the first time in my life, was eternally grateful that I at least knew how to understand and speak basic Mandarin, which proved to be a life saver. I found out first when what people meant when they say the Chinese entertained through their food.. because between 2 of us, my host ordered TWENTY (20) dishes...insisting that I tried at least a mouth full of everything. Perhaps it was my squinty eyes, or maybe my halting mandarin was amusing to them, but I found myself being taken care of very well by the Chinese folk. I had Japanese sushi with a very sweet young Chinese lady who insisted that I be showed around town... as testimony to the hospitality of Chinese people. And elderly man who was shuttling me around actually announced to the whole bakery that I was an 'important visitor' from Malaysia when I went to buy some bread - which left me completely shocked (and embarrassed).

Sigh...

I need to go on another one of those trips again.

Being on the road can feel lonely and unsettling at times. You feel like you've been plucked out from your roots and being moved from one place to another. But if you're like me.. you will also find it to be exciting and enriching. You never know what you're going to see. You never know who you're going to meet. The fact that you are in a totally different  environment where nothing is the same from what you know means that you're gazing at everything with fresh eyes... everything is being experienced for the first time. You experience every detail, every sight and every moment with child like wonder. You find even the most ordinary things amuse you "Wow, look at their buses! Look at the way they eat! Look at the shape of their chairs! Look, they don't use chairs! Look at the TV they watch, it's dubbed! Look at the cloths they wear! Ooo... they have Dim Sum too? Wow, you've HEARD of Malaysia?" I want to feel that again. I want to be sitting in a foreign part of the world getting all excited over what the locals will find to be the most mundane and ordinary item in their daily lives - like a cup holder or something.

Travel is beautiful...But it's not about how cool it is to be standing at a place where everyone knows else and wants to be at. It's about experiencing for yourself the things that God and Man has made of this world.. from the majestic sights of divine creations like mountains, valleys, oceans and rivers to the sights and sounds of things created by man - villages, cities, subways, trains, festivals, cafes and the like...They are all beautiful. They show you the wonder of God and that though we do not see it, there is an invisible hand that created everything. They show you the ingenuity of man in crafting and creating a life for himself on earth - different in means and method, but same in purpose and desire.

Anyway....... enough philosophical mumbo jumbo...

The closest opportunity I have this year is perhaps to visit India for a short while, though nothing is confirmed yet. Frankly, I've never thought about visiting India... but I guess if the opportunity came, I would still take it up.

It's just that - living in multi-cultural Malaysia, I've already been quite exposed to Indian culture. I have Indian friends, I speak a few Tamil words, I watch Hindi films, I've attended Indian weddings, I've tried  (almost) every conceivable Indian bread and curry there is, and I'm even pretty good at eating with my hands.


But I guess I'm just being too picky. After all, Indian's a pretty big country. Who knows what I'll encounter.

Cheers everybody...

Unseen Flaws

I just want to say something to the wide wide world out there tonight.

I want to say.. that I'm not all that. That all the good impression you have of me? Well, they aren't entirely true. All the respect you seem to have for me? They aren't entirely deserved. All the good things you seem to think I am, I am not. You believe so because you see me from the outside. You see me at my finest, you watch me at my best. You think I'm such a fine person because you haven't seen my real flaws just yet. Because the flaws I have are the kinds that are often unseen, and hard to spot. The sins I commit are often subtle and hard to decipher. And a flaw that is well hidden and cleverly blended in often stays.... perhaps permanently. I have many of such flaws - you will see them if you know me for who I truly am.

Maybe one day, I'll pluck up enough courage to actually explain this to you. But I hope I won't have to. I hope that you will discover them on your own... That you may see me at my best and at my worst and understand it without me needing to say a word.

And I hope that when that day comes...

you will still love me and accept me for what I am.

As A Pleasing Sacrifice

Father Lord, 

I drove home in silence with an unexplainable heaviness in my heart tonight. I feel broken. I feel beaten. I feel shattered. I feel scared. I cannot do it. Not on my own. I have not the courage. I have not the strength. I have not the wisdom. I fear my disobedient heart. I resent my untamed desires. I despair at my feeble faith. I am weak dear God. I fear not just for myself, but for those I love and care for. I cannot pretend to know how to live life. I cannot pretend to know how things work. I can't even get my own mind and heart straighten out oh God... how am I to guide others in the right way? I have given up trying to find the answers to everything in life. I know only that everything that happens, happens through the guidance of your unseen hand. Nothing that happens on this side of heaven ever happens without your consent and control... 

Allow me this prayer tonight dear God. As unworthy and sinful and unrepentant as I am.. allow me this prayer..That I may let go. That I may stop trying to control my own life. That my life be guided not by my own will but by Yours. That you may guide my life, my decisions, my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my words... and every fibre of my being... for my own good, for the good of those I love, for the good of others, for the good of God.  

I sing this song in prayer to you tonight dear God. Let me offer my life to you... because there is nothing else of value I can offer except that...

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, all of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Amen

Mistakes...

If you think you’ve just screws you life up, if you feel like you’ve just make a silly mistake in your life, if you’re haunted by a decision you now think was the wrong one, this is for you.

I just want you to know……

You did not screw up.
It was not a mistake.
And the decision wasn’t wrong
Even if it feels like it is for you right now.

You jumped into the unknown
You took a leap
You did not know where it might lead,
Or how things might end up,
You weren’t just taking a risk
You were taking a chance on life…

Don’t let people say it was silly.
It takes a person with courage
To pursue something that has no guarantees.
Maybe you feel it was a waste.
But know this
Not all who chase dreams are fools.
Not all who lose are failures.

Life’s a funny kind of teacher.
It first gives you the homework to do.
Then teaches you the lesson – but only at the end.
That’s why things only seem to make sense in hindsight.
If things still don’t make sense yet.
It means there’s still something to learn.

Believe it or not,
This moment was meant for you.
You are exactly where you were meant to be.
If there is one mistake people often make,
It is in believing that we’re in charge of our lives.

I think deep down we all know.. 
That though in his heart man plans his course,
It is God who determines his steps.
And I believe that this God that keeps the sparrow
He will not abandon you in your sorrow.
So take heart, and do not despair.
Wherever you may go, He is there...