Do you ever crave intimacy? Do you ever long to feel close to another person? I do. I think we all do. I think that at the heart of it, we all want to feel like we belong somewhere. Not just to a place, but to people. We want intimacy because it makes us feel loved and accepted.
Do you ever find yourself standing in front of a person you feel particularly close to, and the most natural thing that case to you is to reach out and touch them? To make that physical connection. I have always felt that physical touch is the final barrier to overcome when measuring your closeness to someone. We naturally touch the people we love, more than we do those we do not…. or at least that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Speaking of intimacy, I’ll tell you a funny thing; being hugged makes me happy. As child-like as that sounds, its true. It never ceases to bring a smile to me and warm my heart. I remember one time I was out with someone…. The mood was tense and the conversation somewhat icy. Just as we were about to part ways, I was struggling with what to say in order to make things right. I always try to make things right. But before I managed to say anything, that person just took a step up and gave me a hug.
Instantly, I could feel the nervous energy within me dissipate. The jumble of words still forming at my lips, dissolve away… and all I felt was a sense of warmth, acceptance and intimacy flowing through.
Sounds dramatic I know… but that’s how it was.
My affinity has always been towards people and relationships. It disturbs me greatly when relationships are strained. In most things I do and say, I am ever conscious about what it does to the status of my relationship. I guess you could say I’m quite a sensitive person.
So much so that I wonder if it has emasculated me in some sense – that by being who I am, I actually behave more like a woman than a man. It bothers me – the thought that I’m not as ‘manly’ as other men. The closest I ever get is being called a gentleman. I know they mean well…. And they mean it in the best sense of the word.. but ‘gentle’ has feminine connotations.. and if you really twisted the word around, the word gentleman can easily be called ‘sissy-man’.. Grrrr..
I think it’s a subconscious inferiority complex that has quietly been shadowing my existence for a long time. I’ve never liked the sound of my voice. It has never sounded as deep as I want it to be. I’ve always been very shy about my body… having never actually had the kind of hunky body a ‘real man’ should have. Instead, I’m stuck with a squick high pitch voice and a tummy the size of a small watermelon.
Many people I know tell me I’m that sort of silent, confident type. A person who’s self assured but never boastful. A person that’s proud of his principles, but never arrogant.
But I think beyond all the walls of ego and pride and conformity to social expectations, beyond the outward persona of what I project to others around me…. I’m really just an insecure little boy still not convinced that he’s a man yet
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