Bits of You... & Me

You know, I’m going to tell you something; I still read the things you write.

And I know this is going to sound so silly, but here and there, I wonder if some things you write... a few particular ones, are meant for me, or rather, meant at me. I don’t know if it’s just me thinking too much, being too self absorbed or just plain vain… but I can’t help it sometimes. Some things strike so close to the heart that I find it impossible to think that maybe… just maybe… I’m at the back (or front) of your mind when you write those words.

I’ve thought of saying something sometimes. A hundred and one thoughts, words and sentences race through my mind. But I hold back. Like you, I too wonder how thing would be like if we had said more… or perhaps less. With that in mind, I end up not saying anything at all, not because I have nothing to say, but because I’m terrified I’ll say the wrong things all over again. I guess I just really really want to make it work right this time round... if there is a 'this time' to be had. 

I’m tempted to try to put in words what and how exactly I feel, about what happened between you and me, about how thing are now between us, about how I hope things can be in the future. But I won’t. Because between feeling it, finding the words for it, writing it, you reading it, processing it and finally knowing it - what I feel, what I said, what you understood and what I mean would probably be lost in translation.

But even now as I look back at everything that happened, I feel compelled to say this; it meant a lot to me. It was something significant to me. You were, and still are, something significant to me - in a way I don't quite know how to define. Not that I'm still clinging on to the past or anything like that. Though I know only very little of the details of your life now, I am silently very happy to see you doing so well.... for having got where you are, for having met someone who seems to be able to love you for all that you are worth. In my heart, I have wished for you nothing but happiness and goodness. And that's been true since the start. Without wanting to sound overtly dramatic, I guess there is, and always will be, a piece of you I want to keep in my heart.. bits and pieces of the memory of things we said to one another, things we did together.. bits that despite everything else did feel real, and magical, and sincere and true....

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this, or why I'm even writing this.

But for some reason, despite being so busy for the past few weeks and months, despite hardly having time to even think or write or blog, despite just having experience so many exciting, life changing event.... when I finally find a moment of quiet and silence to myself... I find myself thinking about you.

Maybe that's just what I'm really try to say... that you know what?.... every now and then, I think of you too.