Enemy Within

The words ring out loud in his mind. He tries to silence it out.. but it refuses to go away. It shouts at him, in the most silent but piercing sort of way…

“What I want to do…… I do not do, but what I hate………. I do.”

Words that were written centuries ago by someone else were now his. Like the author, he too had a thorn by his side.. like the author , he too had demons of his own to wrestle with. But unlike that great man from the good book who conquered demons within him and cast out demons in others, this man knew he had no chance. He had not the strength, he had not the determination… he had not the faith.

He was a slave to his own desires.. a prisoner to his sin. Not that he didn’t know how to control it… but that he didn’t want to….. and he didn’t know how to stop wanting what he wanted. He didn’t know how to stop doing the things he didn’t want to do.

And as he recalled those sweet sounding words whispering to him from afar… he could feel the rush coming over him all over again. He had been down this road before. The excitement, the fun, the anticipation, the mystery… the unknown was thrilling to him. Skirting on the edge of danger made him feel alive…. It was all too familiar to his ears..

And yet, his heart revolts. He is disgusted by his own wants and desire. Because deeper within, in his heart of hearts… he knows what he truly wants in life. He knows what truly matters… he knows what will make him happy; a life of purity.. a life righteousness, of goodness, of trust, of faithfulness, of love.

Not this… not this, that promises so much yet delivers so little. He knows. He knows that the false promises that keep him baited.. that keep him trapped in his own desires. But despite knowing it all… he still wants what he want… his lips take on a life of its own, his fingers move by themselves.. and his feet take him to places he know he shouldn’t be.

“Cut it off!...” his conscience screams.. “Cut it off!” Better one foot in heaven that 2 in the fire...

But it’s ignored.. locked up and buried deep within the recesses of his mind. He finds out that merely having a conscience isn’t enough to conquer a desire. And he finds himself at the very road he was trying to run away from.

He is powerless.. a prisoner of his own desire… and all he knows to do… is hope and pray to God to save him from himself……

Indeed, we are our own worst enemy.