If you died today

If you died today, who will miss you most?

Would it be your boss? Would it be your colleagues? Would it be your friends? Would it be your family?

If you died today, who will find it hardest to move on?
Your telco company? Your bank? Your other half? Your family?

If you died today, what will you worry about the most after you are gone?
Your unfinished work in office? The state of politics in your country? Your family?

Every now and then, I lose perspective of what's important. It's sad that it often takes something dramatic to happen, like someone we personally know dying suddenly, before we are reminded again on what are the truly important things in life.

The Little Playground

There is a small park behind my house. I go there every other morning, before I go to work. It's a humble little park. In fact, its not even a park. It's just a playground, not unlike countless other playgrounds you'll see around suburban KL...I just call it a park because when you've lived in cities long enough, any patch of grass feels like a park. But for a small little park, I have found it to be amazing. There are children playing around the swings. There are young boys having a game of basketball. There is a trio of old men brisk walking together, catching up on the latest gossip. I hear birds chirping in the trees and I see the neighbourhood dog rolling happily over the grass. There is an old man that brings his granddaughter to the slides. He watches on with a proud smile as the little girl climbs up and down. It is an amazing little park. There is a lady there who, like me, comes every other morning. It's hard not to notice her because she's the only resident there who is white. She comes with her baby, barely a few months old. She looks eastern European to me, but it's only a guess. The kids like to stare at her. They find it extraordinary that there is a 'mat salleh' lady in such a place, far far away from where other expatriates usually live. But after a while, everyone accepts it. The first time I smiled at her, she was quite taken aback. Maybe it was too sudden, or maybe I should have combed my hair before gong in public. The second time, I ventured a simple Good Morning (with a smile of course). She nodded back in acknowledgement. I hope she doesnt think I'm a creep. It's amazing to behold in a snapshot, the full spectrum of life in such a simple place. To have people of all ages and background gather here like that is, to me, a beautiful thing. It makes the place feel full of life and intimate. You see the same faces coming and going and it becomes familiar. To the point where even if you don't really know these people, you somehow do anyway. There is a bus stop next to the park. Most people sit in bus stops facing the front,waiting for the bus. But at this bus stop, some of them prefer facing the back. Because that's where the park is. They see the same thing I see. Old men walking, young men exercising, small kids playing, mothers cradling, dogs rolling on the ground. I guess I'm not the only one who thinks this park is amazing. Oh wait, I mean playground. Oh, who cares anyway....

Another Day to Live

For about ten minutes, I seriously thought my time to die had come today.

It was when the lights went dim and the pilot announced "Flight attendants, please take your seats for landing.." But instead of descending, the plane swerved violently and started to make a sharp dive then a sharp climb. Everyone in the plane was started. I felt an intensity of the G-Force pushing down on me as the plane seemed to climb desperately. I spontaneously let out a low groan. It seemed everyone around me felt it too. I could feel the intensity of the wind. And sitting at the back rows of the plane, the feeling of being tossed around could only have been worse.

I had been on many flights before, and this was certainly not normal. Pilots don't suddenly decide to go all roller-coaster immediately after announcing a landing. Perhaps at the very last minute before touching down, the pilot had to abort the landing due to an unexpected wind. Whatever it was, it scared me. I switched off my MP3 player and started paying attention. The little boy next to me was terrified. And his mom was trying hard to reassure her. But I could feel her mothers nervous energy. To my left, the man sitting next to me had tightened his seat belt for the third time.

I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do anyway. I thought of all those disaster movies, where the poor characters all are stuck on a place that's about to crash, and the hero comes up to the crowd and says "If you believe in God, now's a good time to start praying..." There was no hero in my plane, but I started praying anyway. I suddenly understood why some people were so terrified of flying. There was absolutely nothing you can do if something bad was about to happen. Your life literally depends on 3 parties; the pilot whose flying the plane, the engineer who built and maintains the plane, and most importantly, God himself who decides which wind blows your way. You just had to trust that they each would do what they promised to do; one to fly, the other to fix and the last one, to save.

So I closed my eyes and started praying. Or at least I tried to. It all came out in an incoherent mix of fear, hope and faith. What you have no time to think, the things most important to you, usually come out most naturally...

"Oh God... help us. Help us get through this safely. If its possible, not yet God, not yet. I can't die yet. My family needs me. They need me. Please God. But if I really die God.. if I really die.. then let them be OK... Please let them be OK...."

That Garth Brooks song started playing in my head.... "If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her? Is the love I gave in the past, going to be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?" I closed my eyes and started visualizing my own funeral... with my father, mother, brother, wife, friends all standing around sobbing. Would they ever know that my dying thoughts were on them? Will they be alright? Funny that my thoughts were more on those who would survive me rather than on my own death. I kind of knew that once I was dead, that was it. In the blackness of death, a day would be a thousand years. And a thousand years would be a day. But for those who lived on, it would be weeks, months, years and decades of sadness and lost.

Hours earlier, my wife hugged me closely and said to me "Come home safely OK dear.. I can't afford to lose you." I had always brushed talked like that aside. To me, I wasn't going anywhere, anytime soon, so there was no need for such talk. But right now, sitting in a plane being tossed by the winds so easily... her worries didn't seem so unfounded after all. After about 20 minutes of circling around, waiting for the weather to subside, the pilot announced that we will be making the 'final' approach to land. The most dangerous part of a flight is often the landing. I was still recovering from the earlier failed landing attempt.  I didn't like the 'final' part in his sentence. It was still raining heavily. I wondered if perhaps we should wait longer before trying again?

Needless to say, this isn't written from the great beyond, and I didn't die. The pilot landed us safely and we arrived in one piece. Although everyone did seem more eager than usual to get out of the plane. The little boy next to me was smiling again. And as for me... well, I kind of laugh at myself.. it felt as if I had gone overboard in my own thoughts (again). Perhaps I wasn't quite at the brink of death as I thought I was.

Sitting in the taxi heading to the hotel, I thought about it a bit more. It didn't really matter if I wasn't technically really going to die. Emotionally, it felt real. Emotionally, in that short ten minutes (that seemed to last an eternity), I had given the prospect of my immediate death very serious consideration. And as expected, the fear associated with it sprung out so great, I was hardly able to contain it. Had something else not sprung at the same time, I don't think I could have taken it so well. That something else was faith. While a big part of me is not ready to die, a big part of me also believes that all things are in the hands of God. If my time was indeed up, I had to trust that God knows what He's doing... and that He would take care of the ones I loved most... and that if I were meant to die today, in the grand scheme of things, it was never going to be without purpose or meaning.

So thank you God... for keeping me safe today. You answered my prayer, and you gave me one more day. I'm calling my family... to tell them I love them. Thank you for that.

2012

It’s 2012.

How time flies. Just like that, another year is gone. It seems the year passed with the blink of an eye doesn’t it? But then again, we say that every year don’t we? Every year seems to past by just as fast as the year before, and before you know it, it is the years that have flown by so fast.

It’s usually the time people reflect on the year that has just passed. It’s also the time people lay out their resolutions (and hopes) for the year to come. I’m tempted to start listing mine here, but I will spare you the agony of having to read them.

I’ve been rather silent in the past year. I don’t write as much as I used to. I can’t really explain why yet. A simple answer would be that I have nothing to write about. But that’s not always true. Many things have happened that I chose not to write about. I would say I don’t have the time, and this would be somewhat true. In between working in a demanding job and starting a new family, I have had very little time to simply sit down alone and have time to myself to write. But I think I have also changed. Sometimes I would jot them down somewhere. But when it comes down to it, I simple never bother to finish my post. I guess on an emotional level, you can say I have moved on to another phase. I no longer feel that need to pen down every emotion that I experience throughout the week. It just doesn’t seem like a big enough of a deal to be recorded in writing.

I also think it’s got a lot to do with the phase in life I am in right now. Once upon a time, I would write a lot about my mother and my ordeals in growing up in a broken and dysfunctional family. Then, I wrote a lot about my other half, about love and about life itself… many things I have come to experience as a young adult for the first time. But right now, to be honest, I am at a stage where there is no drama. There is no heart wrenching incident, there is no tear shedding moment. For this chapter of my life, God has granted me peace. A peace I am savoring every single day by not being in front of the computer, but instead, in front of the people I love. To me, this peace brings about a special kind of joy. A joy that - if I were to try to describe it - is neither loud nor always obvious, but present nonetheless. Like a smile rather than a laugh. Perhaps content is a better word. If I have written very little, it is because I have been busy being happy. And that is the priceless gift I have been given this past year, for which I am deeply grateful.

My greatest wish for 2012 would be just that; that I would again be too busy being happy.. Hopefully, the same would happen for you too.

Happy New Year dear friend. I hope all is well with you.

Warmest Regards
Me