Saturday, August 28, 2010
My foolish heart
Oh foolish heart,
You need to let go of things you cannot hold
You need to move on from places you cannot stay
You need to stop hoping for things that can never be
What do you want oh foolish heart?
After all this while, why have you not moved on?
What is it you're hoping for?
How long will you remain haunted?
When will you stop oh foolish heart?
When will you learn?
When will you repent?
When will you finally find closure?
The days have come and gone... and yet here you remain; the ghost of you.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Days of our Lives
He lowers the seat and leans back. It’s the end of the day and this was one of those moments he usually took for himself. He looked up to the sky from the side of his window. The car was some sort of private cocoon at this time of night when parked at the corner. There was no one else around, no prying eyes, no noisy streets; just a quiet little place for him to have a quiet little moment to himself to blank out his mind and just relax.
But a blank mind was usually the last thing he ended up with at times like this. He had a hyperactive mind. One that was prone to overthinking things. One that was constantly questioning and searching – searching for what, he didn’t always know. Whatever it was, he knew that this was usually the part where things would sometimes suddenly make sense; where thoughts crystallize, where hidden feelings emerge, where the heart’s desires reveal itself. Not always, but sometimes at least
His thoughts were on quite a few people tonight; the usual suspects and a few others.
His father was out of the hospital finally. Doctors decided it was OK for him to go home mainly because he didn’t seem to be getting any worse. But in his mind, the old man wasn’t getting any better either and he was worried about what this might mean. In any case, he agreed. The medical bills were escalating by the day. He had found the local healthcare system to be so insanely inefficient and messed up. Only the rich could afford decent healthcare in private hospitals; the rest of the population like his family had to put up with overcrowded public hospitals, incompetent and overwhelmed medical staff and confusing bureaucracy. He made a mental note; get rich, migrate or die quickly before you grow old and ill.
His fiancee came to his mind. He missed her. He thought about the song written by Stevie Wonder... 'You are the sunshine of my life....." She was the sunshine of his life. She was expressive and extroverted, he was reserved and introverted. She was emotional but sharp; he was rational but easy going. They were so different. She wasn’t the kind of woman he expected himself to end up with of course. He had always pictured the woman he’d end up with as someone that was soft spoken, gentle and graceful. Not this sort of feisty, wilful, strong-minded, trail blazing woman he could never learn how to control. But despite it all, he had grown to love and adore her deeply. She had a softer more intimate side that only he saw, that only came out after years and years of peeling through the hard exterior. He missed the look on her face every time he reached out to brush her hair and touched her nose. He loved doing it. And she loved him doing it to her.
He thought about his sister. She wasn’t really his sister at all. But the relationship had blossom into something a lot like that. He cared a lot about her, and he knew she cared a lot about him too. He asked himself once if he was in fact in love with her. But realized the answer very quickly and very surely. No. He loved her – like how a brother would love a sister, but he was not in love with her. And as far as he could tell, she wasn’t in love with him either. She wasn’t in the best of times. She had just made a disastrous career move, quitting her full time job to become a barista at Starbucks only to realize that it wasn’t for her and she was living off her savings. ‘Don’t worry… God will provide’ she tried assuring him. ‘Don’t worry? It’s your financial future at stake, of course I’m going to worry. Yes, God will provide….He will send me to your doorstep with a bag of cash, that’s what how He will provide.’ he replied rather brashly. He remembered the hug at the end of the conversation. ‘God has made you a blessing to me.’ she said. Statements like that always made him feel uncomfortable. He never felt he deserved such words.
He recalled a funny moment he had just hours earlier. “I’ll buy you the biggest steak of your life if you can do that….” he had said to his brother – his real one. They were watching some guy gorge a 72 ounce stake in under an hour on the Discovery channel. His brother was getting all excited over food and eating again…. But he was starting to have some serious health complications because of his obesity. He didn’t know how else to motivate his brother to start losing the pounds. He had tried every approach he could think of except this. “If you can lose 10kgs by Christmas….. I will personally buy, marinate and cook you the biggest steak you will ever eat in your life…..” he said again. That seemed to make some sort of impact on his brother. He jokes that while for others dangling a carrot was the surest way to motivate someone, for him perhaps it was a stake. He laughed along. But in truth, this was no laughing matter. He wanted his brother too shed the pounds quickly… before it became too late.
He remembered a phone call he received yesterday. It was an old friend calling to catch up. Small gestures like that never ceased to win him over. A thought came to him; someone once called him too boring and serious of a person. On the other hand, someone else once called him an immensely interesting and awesome person to talk to. He wondered how both could be true at the same time. But he noted that the one that stuck around wasn’t the one he’d expected. Friendships can sometimes be peculiar. The ones you hope would last don’t always do, and the ones you never though would sometimes do. You never really know until all is said and done. This made him feel sad, yet hopeful at the same time.
He thought a bit about his life and the things that made it what it is. It certainly seemed like he had more cares and responsibilities than the average person his age. Some people seemed to have only themselves to be concerned about; who they are, where they’re going, what they do, what happens to them; the things they did and the decisions they made concerned only them. But for him, every step he made in life had to be done carefully because there were others who relied on him financially, emotionally, physically. The thought scared him a lot sometimes. He knew he could never avoid screwing up here and there once in a while. But regardless of that, he realized quite early on that his life didn’t belong to him alone… it also belong to those around him. That’s the way it had always been. He couldn’t be sure, but he felt this was the way things are supposed to be.
The days of our lives were not meant to be lived for ourselves only.
With that thought he pulled the seats back up, shut the engines and stepped out the door – emerging from his cocoon as it were and started walking home. There were people waiting for him at home.
But a blank mind was usually the last thing he ended up with at times like this. He had a hyperactive mind. One that was prone to overthinking things. One that was constantly questioning and searching – searching for what, he didn’t always know. Whatever it was, he knew that this was usually the part where things would sometimes suddenly make sense; where thoughts crystallize, where hidden feelings emerge, where the heart’s desires reveal itself. Not always, but sometimes at least
His thoughts were on quite a few people tonight; the usual suspects and a few others.
His father was out of the hospital finally. Doctors decided it was OK for him to go home mainly because he didn’t seem to be getting any worse. But in his mind, the old man wasn’t getting any better either and he was worried about what this might mean. In any case, he agreed. The medical bills were escalating by the day. He had found the local healthcare system to be so insanely inefficient and messed up. Only the rich could afford decent healthcare in private hospitals; the rest of the population like his family had to put up with overcrowded public hospitals, incompetent and overwhelmed medical staff and confusing bureaucracy. He made a mental note; get rich, migrate or die quickly before you grow old and ill.
His fiancee came to his mind. He missed her. He thought about the song written by Stevie Wonder... 'You are the sunshine of my life....." She was the sunshine of his life. She was expressive and extroverted, he was reserved and introverted. She was emotional but sharp; he was rational but easy going. They were so different. She wasn’t the kind of woman he expected himself to end up with of course. He had always pictured the woman he’d end up with as someone that was soft spoken, gentle and graceful. Not this sort of feisty, wilful, strong-minded, trail blazing woman he could never learn how to control. But despite it all, he had grown to love and adore her deeply. She had a softer more intimate side that only he saw, that only came out after years and years of peeling through the hard exterior. He missed the look on her face every time he reached out to brush her hair and touched her nose. He loved doing it. And she loved him doing it to her.
He thought about his sister. She wasn’t really his sister at all. But the relationship had blossom into something a lot like that. He cared a lot about her, and he knew she cared a lot about him too. He asked himself once if he was in fact in love with her. But realized the answer very quickly and very surely. No. He loved her – like how a brother would love a sister, but he was not in love with her. And as far as he could tell, she wasn’t in love with him either. She wasn’t in the best of times. She had just made a disastrous career move, quitting her full time job to become a barista at Starbucks only to realize that it wasn’t for her and she was living off her savings. ‘Don’t worry… God will provide’ she tried assuring him. ‘Don’t worry? It’s your financial future at stake, of course I’m going to worry. Yes, God will provide….He will send me to your doorstep with a bag of cash, that’s what how He will provide.’ he replied rather brashly. He remembered the hug at the end of the conversation. ‘God has made you a blessing to me.’ she said. Statements like that always made him feel uncomfortable. He never felt he deserved such words.
He recalled a funny moment he had just hours earlier. “I’ll buy you the biggest steak of your life if you can do that….” he had said to his brother – his real one. They were watching some guy gorge a 72 ounce stake in under an hour on the Discovery channel. His brother was getting all excited over food and eating again…. But he was starting to have some serious health complications because of his obesity. He didn’t know how else to motivate his brother to start losing the pounds. He had tried every approach he could think of except this. “If you can lose 10kgs by Christmas….. I will personally buy, marinate and cook you the biggest steak you will ever eat in your life…..” he said again. That seemed to make some sort of impact on his brother. He jokes that while for others dangling a carrot was the surest way to motivate someone, for him perhaps it was a stake. He laughed along. But in truth, this was no laughing matter. He wanted his brother too shed the pounds quickly… before it became too late.
He remembered a phone call he received yesterday. It was an old friend calling to catch up. Small gestures like that never ceased to win him over. A thought came to him; someone once called him too boring and serious of a person. On the other hand, someone else once called him an immensely interesting and awesome person to talk to. He wondered how both could be true at the same time. But he noted that the one that stuck around wasn’t the one he’d expected. Friendships can sometimes be peculiar. The ones you hope would last don’t always do, and the ones you never though would sometimes do. You never really know until all is said and done. This made him feel sad, yet hopeful at the same time.
He thought a bit about his life and the things that made it what it is. It certainly seemed like he had more cares and responsibilities than the average person his age. Some people seemed to have only themselves to be concerned about; who they are, where they’re going, what they do, what happens to them; the things they did and the decisions they made concerned only them. But for him, every step he made in life had to be done carefully because there were others who relied on him financially, emotionally, physically. The thought scared him a lot sometimes. He knew he could never avoid screwing up here and there once in a while. But regardless of that, he realized quite early on that his life didn’t belong to him alone… it also belong to those around him. That’s the way it had always been. He couldn’t be sure, but he felt this was the way things are supposed to be.
The days of our lives were not meant to be lived for ourselves only.
With that thought he pulled the seats back up, shut the engines and stepped out the door – emerging from his cocoon as it were and started walking home. There were people waiting for him at home.
Tensions Within
**********
I’m an idealist. But I have hidden my ideals deep deep down inside. I have come to this stage where I can control who I am, what I do, how I behave and what I believe, but I can’t change the world. That’s not my destiny. I can change ME, I can influence the people around me (to a certain extent) but I’m never going to be a Martin Luther King preaching ‘I have a dream’ to the masses. Neither do I want to.
And about those things I write… ya well… believe it or not, I am almost embarrassed about the things I write. I feel it’s ‘lou tou’, or old fashion. In this age of Youtube videos & interactive multimedia, I don’t think people appreciate the written word quite as much as they used to. I think I’m a relic from the past.
**********
But I sense that you are no longer an idealist. You’ve given up on the world. You’ve resigned. But I also see that it is through your writings and your so called ‘poems’ that you allow your ideas and believes to surface and exist. It’s almost like you have a split personality. There is a tension in you – between what you believe and how you think things should be.
But I’d urge you to not stop questioning, thinking and asking – even if some people tell you not too. Too many people just go through life without really thinking about the bigger things in life at all.
As for your writing, don’t stop. Writers and poets ARE a dying breed which is all the more reason you should continue. Plus, I don’t know of any other engineers who think or write the way you do. Most are pretty boring. Except you… you make for a one of a kind engineer.
**********
I’m an idealist. But I have hidden my ideals deep deep down inside. I have come to this stage where I can control who I am, what I do, how I behave and what I believe, but I can’t change the world. That’s not my destiny. I can change ME, I can influence the people around me (to a certain extent) but I’m never going to be a Martin Luther King preaching ‘I have a dream’ to the masses. Neither do I want to.
And about those things I write… ya well… believe it or not, I am almost embarrassed about the things I write. I feel it’s ‘lou tou’, or old fashion. In this age of Youtube videos & interactive multimedia, I don’t think people appreciate the written word quite as much as they used to. I think I’m a relic from the past.
**********
But I sense that you are no longer an idealist. You’ve given up on the world. You’ve resigned. But I also see that it is through your writings and your so called ‘poems’ that you allow your ideas and believes to surface and exist. It’s almost like you have a split personality. There is a tension in you – between what you believe and how you think things should be.
But I’d urge you to not stop questioning, thinking and asking – even if some people tell you not too. Too many people just go through life without really thinking about the bigger things in life at all.
As for your writing, don’t stop. Writers and poets ARE a dying breed which is all the more reason you should continue. Plus, I don’t know of any other engineers who think or write the way you do. Most are pretty boring. Except you… you make for a one of a kind engineer.
**********
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Some Courage Too
Seems just like yesterday he came knocking on my door needing a place to stay. Seems just like yesterday that all those awkward heart to hearts happened.
It all seemed just like yesterday....
Suddenly there he sits in the hosptital bed trying to thank me again for doing all this. God knows what would have happened if we didn't act sooner. I could sense that there was some fear in him.... of being like this for the rest of his life. Stroke wasn't something you recovered from so easily.. not at his age anyway.
But I think I was more terrified than him. How am I going to pay for all these medical bills? How are we to take care of him if he doesn't recover? Where am I going to find the money? I still haven't the slightest idea. It's scary when you don't know how you're going make things work... but only that you must.
I smile at him and patted his shoulder. "No problem dad... no thanks needed. Don't worry. You'll be out in no time."
I left after he fell asleep. It had been a long hard day... a long hard week for the matter. I needed a few things before finally going home. Some bread. A roll of cellophane tape. Some courage too..
It all seemed just like yesterday....
Suddenly there he sits in the hosptital bed trying to thank me again for doing all this. God knows what would have happened if we didn't act sooner. I could sense that there was some fear in him.... of being like this for the rest of his life. Stroke wasn't something you recovered from so easily.. not at his age anyway.
But I think I was more terrified than him. How am I going to pay for all these medical bills? How are we to take care of him if he doesn't recover? Where am I going to find the money? I still haven't the slightest idea. It's scary when you don't know how you're going make things work... but only that you must.
I smile at him and patted his shoulder. "No problem dad... no thanks needed. Don't worry. You'll be out in no time."
I left after he fell asleep. It had been a long hard day... a long hard week for the matter. I needed a few things before finally going home. Some bread. A roll of cellophane tape. Some courage too..
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Words Unsaid
“Music and silence combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music.” - Marcel Marceau
For all the things I wrote but never posted,
For all the words I said but never allowed you to hear,
All I really wanted you to know is
I still care.
I always have
and I always will.
Even if you don't know it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Life....
There I was saying I need to stop writing and start living.
Then life comes banging on my door.
Kicking me out the house - demanding all of me.
My father-in-law was hospitalized last night.
I rushed him to hospital and stayed till 4 a.m.
All the signs show he's having a stroke.
Sigh.....
Life.....
Then life comes banging on my door.
Kicking me out the house - demanding all of me.
My father-in-law was hospitalized last night.
I rushed him to hospital and stayed till 4 a.m.
All the signs show he's having a stroke.
Sigh.....
Life.....
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Perhaps Love
Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home
Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through
Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of change
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
Perhaps Love - Written & Performed by John Denver
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Hiatus (I've Always Wanted to Say That)
I think I experienced some sort of emotional meltdown last week.
Maybe it was just work stress, or maybe I was just feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable, maybe it was the lack of exercise, maybe it was the sheer amount of things I need to do before the wedding, or maybe it was just everything of the above. But whatever it was, I knew I was in a bad place. Everything seemed to come crashing down on me, I felt down and broken, my heart felt like it was splattered all over the floor, and I didn’t feel like picking myself up at all.
But as I write this, I can safely say that I’m feeling slightly better (for now at least). Sunday evening walks around the park never fail to sooth me.
I’m an introverted person. I think a lot. I’m one of those retrospective and inward looking people. I have always been a self-examining guy. Wasn’t it Socrates who said that “An unexamined life is not worth living”? It is with this belief that I often do most of my writing. As you can know by now, everything I write is mostly about me confronting my own emotions, feelings etc. That’s why the my blog title reads as such, that honestly is where ‘the journey to finding one’s self beings….’
But writing is taxing. It takes a lot out of you whenever you write something personal. Often times, when you write something personal, even if it’s just a short sentence, you end up reliving entire sequences of past events right in your head. To pen down your deepest and most intimate thoughts means you first have to bring it to the surface. And that can be quite a painful thing. That’s also why I sometimes write about things only long after they have happened.
In that sense, my own thoughts have become my own worst enemy. In my attempts to confront and write down the things hidden in my heart, perhaps I have dwelled too much and dived too deep into the inner parts of myself that I have become lost in it. Pains that were experienced in the past suddenly become pains of the present again. Regrets spring up all over again and you and suddenly you find yourself being haunted by ghost not in the form of spirits, but of memories, emotions and moments. They stay with you and refuse to leave.
For this reason and a few others, I think I need to go easy on the writing for a while. I need to take the back seat and sort out my head and my heart. For all these years, writing has been my refuge. But this time, it may be counter-productive for me. I’m not saying I’m going to stop. I don’t think I will ever stop. Just that I’m taking deliberate and affirmative action to slow down. A hiatus if you will. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you, but I hope you do understand. I need to be out there living life and not just writing about it. Otherwise, all I will end up having to write about is how I sit in front of the computer writing about life... which isn't any sort of life at all.
And there are like what…3 of you out there? :-S
It’s not exactly going to be a catastrophe of the blogging world if I stopped writing.
In the meantime, I’m still here. You are more than welcomed to email me if you want to at thecompulsiveblogger@gmail.com …. for whatever reason at all. I doubt anyone will actually take up that offer, but it’d be nice to have a dialogue instead of a monologue for a change.
Otherwise, do hang around… because as the iconic phrase goes: I’ll be back….
God bless you……..
Maybe it was just work stress, or maybe I was just feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable, maybe it was the lack of exercise, maybe it was the sheer amount of things I need to do before the wedding, or maybe it was just everything of the above. But whatever it was, I knew I was in a bad place. Everything seemed to come crashing down on me, I felt down and broken, my heart felt like it was splattered all over the floor, and I didn’t feel like picking myself up at all.
But as I write this, I can safely say that I’m feeling slightly better (for now at least). Sunday evening walks around the park never fail to sooth me.
I’m an introverted person. I think a lot. I’m one of those retrospective and inward looking people. I have always been a self-examining guy. Wasn’t it Socrates who said that “An unexamined life is not worth living”? It is with this belief that I often do most of my writing. As you can know by now, everything I write is mostly about me confronting my own emotions, feelings etc. That’s why the my blog title reads as such, that honestly is where ‘the journey to finding one’s self beings….’
But writing is taxing. It takes a lot out of you whenever you write something personal. Often times, when you write something personal, even if it’s just a short sentence, you end up reliving entire sequences of past events right in your head. To pen down your deepest and most intimate thoughts means you first have to bring it to the surface. And that can be quite a painful thing. That’s also why I sometimes write about things only long after they have happened.
In that sense, my own thoughts have become my own worst enemy. In my attempts to confront and write down the things hidden in my heart, perhaps I have dwelled too much and dived too deep into the inner parts of myself that I have become lost in it. Pains that were experienced in the past suddenly become pains of the present again. Regrets spring up all over again and you and suddenly you find yourself being haunted by ghost not in the form of spirits, but of memories, emotions and moments. They stay with you and refuse to leave.
For this reason and a few others, I think I need to go easy on the writing for a while. I need to take the back seat and sort out my head and my heart. For all these years, writing has been my refuge. But this time, it may be counter-productive for me. I’m not saying I’m going to stop. I don’t think I will ever stop. Just that I’m taking deliberate and affirmative action to slow down. A hiatus if you will. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you, but I hope you do understand. I need to be out there living life and not just writing about it. Otherwise, all I will end up having to write about is how I sit in front of the computer writing about life... which isn't any sort of life at all.
And there are like what…3 of you out there? :-S
It’s not exactly going to be a catastrophe of the blogging world if I stopped writing.
In the meantime, I’m still here. You are more than welcomed to email me if you want to at thecompulsiveblogger@gmail.com …. for whatever reason at all. I doubt anyone will actually take up that offer, but it’d be nice to have a dialogue instead of a monologue for a change.
Otherwise, do hang around… because as the iconic phrase goes: I’ll be back….
God bless you……..
It Goes On
Dear You,
It’s time to pick yourself up. Everyone is entitled to scream, kick, shout, groan, whine and wail – and you have done your share. If you feel like you still haven’t done enough, go ahead and get it out of your system. Vent it all out. Don’t keep it in anymore. The longer you keep it in, the more it’s becoming a poison to your heart. I know three months ago you thought you had already moved on. But you find yourself suddenly having to do it all again. It seems you took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I know. But whatever point you find yourself, what matters more than where you’re at, is where you’re heading. So keep your chin up. Stop sulking and start doing something for yourself. Stop bashing yourself up all the time and learn to take care of yourself. And taking care of yourself is not the same as being selfish.
You will do the following:
Life goes on my friend… and so must you. Slowly but surely… so must you.
From
Me
It’s time to pick yourself up. Everyone is entitled to scream, kick, shout, groan, whine and wail – and you have done your share. If you feel like you still haven’t done enough, go ahead and get it out of your system. Vent it all out. Don’t keep it in anymore. The longer you keep it in, the more it’s becoming a poison to your heart. I know three months ago you thought you had already moved on. But you find yourself suddenly having to do it all again. It seems you took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I know. But whatever point you find yourself, what matters more than where you’re at, is where you’re heading. So keep your chin up. Stop sulking and start doing something for yourself. Stop bashing yourself up all the time and learn to take care of yourself. And taking care of yourself is not the same as being selfish.
You will do the following:
- Lose 10 pounds you big fat ass. You haven’t been pushing yourself hard enough.
- Start meeting up with your friends again. You were doing so well. Why the hell did you stop?
- That camera you’ve been waiting to get for so long? Stop whining and buy it already would you?
- Go to church. Join a care group. Meet new people.
- Drive out of town. Take a mini break. Have fun. Bring someone fun who brings out the lighter side of you.
- Stop being so intense. What happen to not taking yourself too seriously? What happened to seeing the lighter side of life? Lighten up.
- Laugh again. You used to be charming, witty and funny. People liked your dry humour and enjoyed your company. Remember, you’re still that same person.
- Stop asking yourself the meaning of life, love, destiny and all that crap too often. I think you’ve given it more than your share of thought. If you still haven’t figured it out, the best thing to do is leave it alone and come back another time. Answers come as life unfolds.
- Cut down on time spent in front of the computer. Facebook is starting to be a disease. Cut that out. Virtual reality isn’t reality. Your real friends are flesh and blood, not ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ and they are but a phone call away.
- Blogging is fine, but try writing something cheerful for a change. Share something insightful that doesn’t involve you feeling like the worlds this dark, evil gloomy place.
- Hang in there. If you’re feeling down, something it’s just a matter of holding on a bit longer.
- Remember that there are people who love you. Your fiancée. Your family. Your close friends. They love you. You can lean on them for support. You need them as much as they need you. Remember that.
- Give yourself time. You’ve seen how time heals even the deepest wounds. I know you feel it’s taking longer than it ought to, but the heart moves at its own pace. You know that. So be patient and wait. You’ll be okay.
- Let go. You don’t control your life. God does. You wrote that yourself. So now, live and trust that the future will come as it may.
- Forgive yourself. You were waiting for forgiveness from others, and now you have it. So why not take the next step? Forgive yourself. It’s okay... Set yourself free. Let go of the guilt. Moving on does not diminish the significance of the past. You have to stop thinking that.
- Do the things that you know you enjoy; evening walks in the park where birds chirp and children laugh and play; late night outs with friends chatting the night away; playing your guitar; reading a good book; good food and red wine.
Life goes on my friend… and so must you. Slowly but surely… so must you.
From
Me
Friday, August 13, 2010
A confession
I’m a serious person. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.
Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.
A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.
(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)
There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.
I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.
I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.
Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.
Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….
Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.
Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.
God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.
An admission;
A confession;
I’m lonely.
I’m shattered.
I’m depressed.
Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.
A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.
(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)
There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.
I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.
I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.
Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.
Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….
Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.
Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.
God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.
An admission;
A confession;
I’m lonely.
I’m shattered.
I’m depressed.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The truth is...
The truth is…
- this keeps me alive and kills me at the same time.
- I don’t really know what I’m doing at all.
- you’re on my mind more than you will ever know.
- The future scares me more than it excites me.
- I wish I could be there too.
- I miss our conversations.
- I don’t know what to say.
- I’m tongue tied around you.
- I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
- A piece of my heart is missing.
- I’m slow at moving on.
- keeping busy is my way of hiding from my emotions.
- I’m not happy.
- I resent this part of me.
- I wish I was someone else.
- I’m tired of being me.
- this keeps me alive and kills me at the same time.
- I don’t really know what I’m doing at all.
- you’re on my mind more than you will ever know.
- The future scares me more than it excites me.
- I wish I could be there too.
- I miss our conversations.
- I don’t know what to say.
- I’m tongue tied around you.
- I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
- A piece of my heart is missing.
- I’m slow at moving on.
- keeping busy is my way of hiding from my emotions.
- I’m not happy.
- I resent this part of me.
- I wish I was someone else.
- I’m tired of being me.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
It's a F*cked Up World...
I was in the middle of a dirty and rundown little bar. I didn’t know places like this still existed in Singapore. I sat in silence as I listened to the ridiculous things these people had to say.
“When I was young, I had a Sifu. And he thought me a few things. He said that whatever it is you do outside be it screwing women, having fun or drinking… always return home at night, no matter what. Now that I’m older, come to think of it he was right.”
“And one more thing… never never ever tell your wife the truth….”
We all laughed… but I knew this guy wasn’t exactly joking. He meant it.
And there I was thinking to myself “How the hell did I ever find myself in this position; sitting in a dodgy little bar, sipping beer and listening to the biggest amount of bullshit I had ever heard?”
“Let me tell you… these ‘chickens’ around here.. sometimes you got to be careful….”
“Hey, hey.. I told you.. Don’t talk about all these things around our young virgin here.”
He was referring to me of course. Among the four of us, I was half the age of any one of them. They liked to assume (and joke) that I was a blue eyed virgin and that X-rated topics were not meant for fragile ears like mine. I never attempted to correct any of those statements. I was happy to let them think whatever they wanted of me. I had nothing to prove to these people. The things I have or have not done were best kept to myself.
I tuned out as they continued their shop talk. Men loved telling stories of their exploits in life, especially if it involved women. I called it ‘Talk-Cock-Sing-Song’. I stared at the droplets of water forming around my mug of beer. When you’re working in a predominantly male industry, drinking was one of those things you’d be hard pressed to avoid. I never liked it much, but grew accustomed to it after a while. People lighten up after sharing a few mugs of beer and some dirty jokes. Often times, deals are done and agreements are made over mugs of beer rather than over the discussion board. This was how the ‘wheeling-and-dealing’ was done in the industry.
What industry? The same industry the rest of the world was in – the industry of money. It doesn’t matter what line you’re in; oil and gas, finance, F&B, manufacturing, media; every business has the same goal – profits. And everyone has the same need – money. A friend once said to me
“I don’t have a good impression of engineers. Many of them are corrupted.”
I just smiled and nodded my head. It’s true. There ARE many engineers who have taken money when opportunities arise. But my friend was naïve in thinking that it was just engineers who were doing in. Bankers, accountants, ministers, administrators, caretakers, even pastors; every position of power brings with it the temptation and opportunity to make a quick buck. In fact, the higher you were the more the money and the easier it was to get away with it. I laughed and just shook my head when I read about the General Manager of Sime Darby who was charged with taking a hundred thousand dollars in bribe in order to reveal valuable information. This man was being made a scapegoat. The money he took was still only in 6 digits… nowhere near what the real dealers were making. In the industry, this was called ‘information brokering’. You secretly provided crucial information to help suppliers win an order and when they do, you get a cut of it. It’s easy money. And it’s BIG money. More than what many of us earn in a lifetime.
I looked at the man doing all the man-talk across me.. This was a man that was basically saying that it was OK to fuck around and fool around as much as you wanted to… as long as your returned home to your wife every night. And if you ever get questioned by your wife regarding your outside activities, the truth is never an option. Even among us, I don’t think the others quite agreed to what he said, but it’s not hard to understand why people like him end up having such skewed ideas of what’s right or wrong. They immerse their lives in a world where sexual innocence is laughed at. Nights out in posh Karaoke lounges with expensive booze and willing women are considered ‘entertaining the client’. The word ‘God’ is used only before the words ‘damn it’. Taking money under the table is considered getting a cut of the cake. Sealing the deal always meant that someone somewhere needs to be ‘taken care of’ a.k.a. paid off and the position you take in a contract depended on whose the one filling your pockets.
Compromises have been made everywhere. Standards of morality have mutated into something unrecognizable. I have seen men brag about the expensive prostitutes they engage then answer a call from their wife at home. I have seen money siphoned off by men only too eager to make their first million, even when it meant destroying a project many others were depending on for their livelihood. Then the rest of the men still struggling to make a living look in awe of them; at home they enjoy the comforts of their family and wives. Outside they enjoy the body of young beautiful, buy-able women with no obligations. In work they enjoy their position of power and authority and out of work; they earn money on the side making their fortune by merely trading in lip service. The best part of it all is…….. they often get away with it.
When making your living means surviving and winning in a world that operates like that, it’s not hard to understand why they end up having skewed values. To put it the way they would.. the whole bunch of them… they’re all fucked up.
I raised my cup and gulped down the last drop of beer. I could feel my face flushing.
“Want another one?” someone offered me.
“No, I’ve think I’ve almost had enough.”
But I wasn’t just talking about the beer. One day when I grow fed up of all this, I will drop it and leave it all behind to start a new life – one that’s not governed by the greed and lust of man; one that’s not conquered by money and sex.
The thing is… I’m not sure such a place exists in this world.
“When I was young, I had a Sifu. And he thought me a few things. He said that whatever it is you do outside be it screwing women, having fun or drinking… always return home at night, no matter what. Now that I’m older, come to think of it he was right.”
“And one more thing… never never ever tell your wife the truth….”
We all laughed… but I knew this guy wasn’t exactly joking. He meant it.
And there I was thinking to myself “How the hell did I ever find myself in this position; sitting in a dodgy little bar, sipping beer and listening to the biggest amount of bullshit I had ever heard?”
“Let me tell you… these ‘chickens’ around here.. sometimes you got to be careful….”
“Hey, hey.. I told you.. Don’t talk about all these things around our young virgin here.”
He was referring to me of course. Among the four of us, I was half the age of any one of them. They liked to assume (and joke) that I was a blue eyed virgin and that X-rated topics were not meant for fragile ears like mine. I never attempted to correct any of those statements. I was happy to let them think whatever they wanted of me. I had nothing to prove to these people. The things I have or have not done were best kept to myself.
I tuned out as they continued their shop talk. Men loved telling stories of their exploits in life, especially if it involved women. I called it ‘Talk-Cock-Sing-Song’. I stared at the droplets of water forming around my mug of beer. When you’re working in a predominantly male industry, drinking was one of those things you’d be hard pressed to avoid. I never liked it much, but grew accustomed to it after a while. People lighten up after sharing a few mugs of beer and some dirty jokes. Often times, deals are done and agreements are made over mugs of beer rather than over the discussion board. This was how the ‘wheeling-and-dealing’ was done in the industry.
What industry? The same industry the rest of the world was in – the industry of money. It doesn’t matter what line you’re in; oil and gas, finance, F&B, manufacturing, media; every business has the same goal – profits. And everyone has the same need – money. A friend once said to me
“I don’t have a good impression of engineers. Many of them are corrupted.”
I just smiled and nodded my head. It’s true. There ARE many engineers who have taken money when opportunities arise. But my friend was naïve in thinking that it was just engineers who were doing in. Bankers, accountants, ministers, administrators, caretakers, even pastors; every position of power brings with it the temptation and opportunity to make a quick buck. In fact, the higher you were the more the money and the easier it was to get away with it. I laughed and just shook my head when I read about the General Manager of Sime Darby who was charged with taking a hundred thousand dollars in bribe in order to reveal valuable information. This man was being made a scapegoat. The money he took was still only in 6 digits… nowhere near what the real dealers were making. In the industry, this was called ‘information brokering’. You secretly provided crucial information to help suppliers win an order and when they do, you get a cut of it. It’s easy money. And it’s BIG money. More than what many of us earn in a lifetime.
I looked at the man doing all the man-talk across me.. This was a man that was basically saying that it was OK to fuck around and fool around as much as you wanted to… as long as your returned home to your wife every night. And if you ever get questioned by your wife regarding your outside activities, the truth is never an option. Even among us, I don’t think the others quite agreed to what he said, but it’s not hard to understand why people like him end up having such skewed ideas of what’s right or wrong. They immerse their lives in a world where sexual innocence is laughed at. Nights out in posh Karaoke lounges with expensive booze and willing women are considered ‘entertaining the client’. The word ‘God’ is used only before the words ‘damn it’. Taking money under the table is considered getting a cut of the cake. Sealing the deal always meant that someone somewhere needs to be ‘taken care of’ a.k.a. paid off and the position you take in a contract depended on whose the one filling your pockets.
Compromises have been made everywhere. Standards of morality have mutated into something unrecognizable. I have seen men brag about the expensive prostitutes they engage then answer a call from their wife at home. I have seen money siphoned off by men only too eager to make their first million, even when it meant destroying a project many others were depending on for their livelihood. Then the rest of the men still struggling to make a living look in awe of them; at home they enjoy the comforts of their family and wives. Outside they enjoy the body of young beautiful, buy-able women with no obligations. In work they enjoy their position of power and authority and out of work; they earn money on the side making their fortune by merely trading in lip service. The best part of it all is…….. they often get away with it.
When making your living means surviving and winning in a world that operates like that, it’s not hard to understand why they end up having skewed values. To put it the way they would.. the whole bunch of them… they’re all fucked up.
I raised my cup and gulped down the last drop of beer. I could feel my face flushing.
“Want another one?” someone offered me.
“No, I’ve think I’ve almost had enough.”
But I wasn’t just talking about the beer. One day when I grow fed up of all this, I will drop it and leave it all behind to start a new life – one that’s not governed by the greed and lust of man; one that’s not conquered by money and sex.
The thing is… I’m not sure such a place exists in this world.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Brother
I handed him a bottle of the protein shake I had at home. I went out and bought him fruits. I emailed to him an old picture of himself. And for the next two days, I spoke about nothing but healthy living and eating... I didn't know what else I could do.
I had discovered days earlier that my brother now high blood pressure. He’s 27. He’s also 30 kilos overweight. In fact, his BMI showed that he was severely obese.
In some ways, I blamed it on myself. I had sat and watched as my brother lost all sense of control when it came to indulging in his eating.
Growing up, he and I had always been big eaters. But he was an active teenager; he played basketball, went jogging, walked to classes, learned karate. As he liked to put it then he was ‘as fit as an ox’. In fact, I had always been the fat one. Annual visit with the relatives always ended up with comparisons on how fit he was and how fat I was. Over the past few years, while I had struggled and strived to whip myself into proper shape, my brother let himself go completely and started eating with a vengeance. He loved food. He loved cooking it and he loved eating it even more. And gradually over the months, he gained more and more weight till suddenly, I was the thin one and he was the fat one.
I basked in the praises initially. After a lifetime of being called a fatty.. I was happy when friend and relatives started telling me I’m not so fat after all. I still wasn’t in the shape should be, but it was a good start. I always thought that it was just a matter of time before my brother would turn himself around and start losing all the extra pounds. But that day and not come at all…. Life went on and he just kept eating and eating, and I just kept watching and watching doing nothing.
When it was plain to see that his weight was seriously out of control, my father and mother both attempted to convince him to lose weight. But it fell on deft ears. I gave him a few nudges too, but nothing forceful. I wanted to respect his ability as an adult to do what’s right for himself.
And then this news from the doctor came.
He had been falling sick a lot more in the past few months. And when the doctor took his blood pressure, it was way above normal.
I knew then that I had failed my brother. I had allowed this day to come by doing nothing. This was a sure sign that all was not well with his brother. High blood pressure meant that his entire body was under tremendous amounts of strain. People suffering high blood pressure suffered high risk of heart diseases and stroke. Once started on medication, a person often had to take it for life. And my brother was just still in his 20s.
This was it. I had to something. I could not live with myself if anything were to happen to him. For the first time in my life, the fear of losing my brother because more than just a mere thought. I got him on a diet. I told him to start an exercise regime. I started calling him every two days to see how it was doing. I bought fruits for him to take if he got hungry. I invited him for jogs in the park every Sunday evenings. I told him he had to quit this love affair he had for food. I challenged him to see that his current unhappiness in life had a lot to do with his self-image and his self-image had a lot to do with his state of health. I tried telling him that the problems in his life can’t be solved easily; a good first step is to start taking care of his body. I said every single thing I possibly could to get him committed to a new way of life and turn this around…… before it’s too late.
He was my one and only brother. Growing up, my father always told us that one day when both our parents were gone, we would have only each other. Male ego pretty much made sure that the chances of telling it straight to my brother was slim…
But the truth was, I loved my brother and I wasn’t really to lose him.
I'll be there with you every step of the way... but don’t let me down Jynn.. You’ll break my heart.
I had discovered days earlier that my brother now high blood pressure. He’s 27. He’s also 30 kilos overweight. In fact, his BMI showed that he was severely obese.
In some ways, I blamed it on myself. I had sat and watched as my brother lost all sense of control when it came to indulging in his eating.
Growing up, he and I had always been big eaters. But he was an active teenager; he played basketball, went jogging, walked to classes, learned karate. As he liked to put it then he was ‘as fit as an ox’. In fact, I had always been the fat one. Annual visit with the relatives always ended up with comparisons on how fit he was and how fat I was. Over the past few years, while I had struggled and strived to whip myself into proper shape, my brother let himself go completely and started eating with a vengeance. He loved food. He loved cooking it and he loved eating it even more. And gradually over the months, he gained more and more weight till suddenly, I was the thin one and he was the fat one.
I basked in the praises initially. After a lifetime of being called a fatty.. I was happy when friend and relatives started telling me I’m not so fat after all. I still wasn’t in the shape should be, but it was a good start. I always thought that it was just a matter of time before my brother would turn himself around and start losing all the extra pounds. But that day and not come at all…. Life went on and he just kept eating and eating, and I just kept watching and watching doing nothing.
When it was plain to see that his weight was seriously out of control, my father and mother both attempted to convince him to lose weight. But it fell on deft ears. I gave him a few nudges too, but nothing forceful. I wanted to respect his ability as an adult to do what’s right for himself.
And then this news from the doctor came.
He had been falling sick a lot more in the past few months. And when the doctor took his blood pressure, it was way above normal.
I knew then that I had failed my brother. I had allowed this day to come by doing nothing. This was a sure sign that all was not well with his brother. High blood pressure meant that his entire body was under tremendous amounts of strain. People suffering high blood pressure suffered high risk of heart diseases and stroke. Once started on medication, a person often had to take it for life. And my brother was just still in his 20s.
This was it. I had to something. I could not live with myself if anything were to happen to him. For the first time in my life, the fear of losing my brother because more than just a mere thought. I got him on a diet. I told him to start an exercise regime. I started calling him every two days to see how it was doing. I bought fruits for him to take if he got hungry. I invited him for jogs in the park every Sunday evenings. I told him he had to quit this love affair he had for food. I challenged him to see that his current unhappiness in life had a lot to do with his self-image and his self-image had a lot to do with his state of health. I tried telling him that the problems in his life can’t be solved easily; a good first step is to start taking care of his body. I said every single thing I possibly could to get him committed to a new way of life and turn this around…… before it’s too late.
He was my one and only brother. Growing up, my father always told us that one day when both our parents were gone, we would have only each other. Male ego pretty much made sure that the chances of telling it straight to my brother was slim…
But the truth was, I loved my brother and I wasn’t really to lose him.
I'll be there with you every step of the way... but don’t let me down Jynn.. You’ll break my heart.
Monday, August 9, 2010
A Jazzy Life
You wanna know something?
Sometimes I feel my life is a lot like a jazz tune. Everything is generally in tune.. and there's some sort of structure there. But every now and then, there's like a weird break that sounds completely different from the original tune, the whole thing starts going completely off tangent, you're not sure if you're still listening to the same song anymore before it finally comes back to the original structure.. back to what's familiar again.. The entire thing is just very fluid... But overall, it aint to bad... and to a certain extent, rather interesting to behold actually.
In their head, I think everyone has some collection of songs that form the anthem of their life. I think my definitely has a bit of jazz it it..
Rather than tell you how that feels, better you just listen to it:
Good night world....
Sometimes I feel my life is a lot like a jazz tune. Everything is generally in tune.. and there's some sort of structure there. But every now and then, there's like a weird break that sounds completely different from the original tune, the whole thing starts going completely off tangent, you're not sure if you're still listening to the same song anymore before it finally comes back to the original structure.. back to what's familiar again.. The entire thing is just very fluid... But overall, it aint to bad... and to a certain extent, rather interesting to behold actually.
In their head, I think everyone has some collection of songs that form the anthem of their life. I think my definitely has a bit of jazz it it..
Rather than tell you how that feels, better you just listen to it:
Good night world....
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Questions Women Ask
I was just thinking about this the other day. As a guy, you sometimes find yourself getting in a lot of trouble because of some carelessly answered questions. Seemingly innocent and harmless questions asked by your other half that at the time of answering, you had not idea would get you into such a mess. So for any man who has ever been, is or will be getting into a relationship with the fairer sex any time soon, here are a list of ‘DANGER QUESTIONS’ that women often ask which usually signifies the end of you (should you not answer them properly):
#1 Do I look fat in this dress?
For some reasons, many women ask this even when they’re skinny as a chopstick. They usually happen when you’re already late for some function somewhere and she’s trying on the fifth dress in a row. If you say Yes, you’re delayed for another 15 minutes for her to try on another one. And will forever remember that you think she loos fat. If you say No, she will say you’re lying… because she DOES think she looks fat in the dress (otherwise she wouldn’t be asking you in the first place)
SOLUTION : Say No.
Statistically, if you say ‘yes, there’s a 100% chance of being even later than you already are, and that she’ll be upset for the rest of the night because you just confirmed to her that she’s fat. Say No, and there’s at least a 50% chance she’ll agree and you can finally be on your way. Simple right?
#2 How come you don’t buy me flowers anymore?
Flowers are to women what i-Phones, cameras, computers, cars and machine guns are to men. They make our hearts melt. But this question isn’t really about flowers at all. In fact, it’s not even a question. It’s a WARNING. She’s telling you that you used to do a lot of romantic stuff for her, but she now realizes that you don’t anymore. In other words, you KPI (Key Performance Index) is down. You need to take action or risk a drop in your ratings (Yes, women have secret ‘boyfriend ratings’).
SOLUTION : Say you don’t buy flowers because next to her, the flowers look ugly. THEN, go buy flowers (as many as you can afford), Plan a candlelit dinner. Write her a song… etc…or any romantic thing you can think of.
You know the drill. Do something different for her. I know you think that phase of the relationship is supposed to be over now that you’re already together… but the unfortunate truth is – women want their romance and they will
#3 What do you think of Bali / Paris / Tokyo?
Again, this isn’t a question at all. It’s a thinly veiled expression of desire to go to that place. An alternative translation to this is “I want to go to Bali / Paris / Tokyo… and you’re going to take me there.”. Maybe not so forcefully, but that’s the intent. When she asks you about a certain holiday destination, it means that in her mind she’s already mentally preparing to be there with you. Whether or not YOU like the place is secondary.
SOLUTION : Save money. Book early.
Sorry…. There’s no way out of this one. You will eventually have to bring her there, whether it’s 5 months or 5 years from now. It all has something to do with their need for romance in their lives. And going on a romantic holiday just the two of you is one of those things. The only other way out is to convince her of an even more awesome place you could go together, like Chicken Hartz All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Buffet. But I doubt she’d say yes.
#4 What do you think of her?
This is usually about another female friend of yours. BE WARNED : THIS IS A LOADED QUESTION. It’s left open ended because she wants what’s at the top of your mind to surface. She’s trying to gauge your level of attraction to that woman. She’s trying to assess if that woman is of any threat to her position. Answer this question wrong, and you’re in big big trouble buster.
SOLUTION : Less is More. Be sincere but not overtly praising.
This is a minefield, so thread lightly and with tact. If you think she’s possibly the hottest woman to grace the earth since Megan Fox, just say she’s pretty. If you think she has a smile that melts a thousand hearts and a voice that makes the angles weep, just say she’s sweet. Any show of too much enthusiasm will spell trouble. Bruce Banner (from The Hulk) isn’t the only one with a green monster hidden in them ya'know. Don’t try to exaggerate on your friends bad qualities either – she’ll pick up that you’re just saying things to disarm her.
#5 IF you were not with me, would you be attracted to her?
Any man would know this is a trick question. ‘IF’ is an awfully big word here. This is probably the single most loaded question she can ask you ever (the other one is 'Have you fixed the toilet yet?'). She may try to convince you that the question is purely academic and hypothetical. But it’s not. It’s SUICIDAL. The intent is similar to #4 above.. probably because she wasn’t convince with your answer. She’s on to you my friend.
SOLUTION : Call on your Miranda rights; the rights to remain silent and to a fair trial. Also call upon the universal accept rights that you are innocent until proven guilty.
It is a well-accepted medical fact that women have a more sophisticated anatomy compared to men. This includes a lie detector somewhere in their brain. They can know if you’re lying. So before you get yourself in trouble with clumsy responses, don’t say anything. Think carefully not just on what to say, but also on how you say it. Because she’s not listening to your words at all..... she already knows your lying. She’s reading your emotions, because she wants to know how much. So before you get grilled, best to prepare and rehearse.
Having said that….
I do believe that honestly is the best policy
Cheers... and good luck!
I Never Knew You
“Do you know God Ma?”
“What do you mean?”
“As in…. do you know God personally? You know how they keep emphasizing on how it’s different it is to know a lot ABOUT God , but not really KNOW God at all?...”
“mmHmmmm….”
“I don’t know if I know God. At least, I’m not sure. I don’t know if what I have is genuine. I don’t know if I really have any sort of relationship with God… Wasn’t there some sort of verse where Jesus talks about how not everyone who comes to me and says ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven?.......That he will say “I Never Knew You..” even to some who prophesized and performed miracles in His name? How do I know if I’m having a relationship with God?”
It all sounded like very basic questions for some sort of new born Christian I guess. But it was one of the things on my mind of late. I don’t know if I’m going through some sort of identity crisis or religious crisis, quarter life crisis.. or just a good old fashion emotional meltdown. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been questioning myself more than ever. I find myself doubting my own abilities, doubting my own heart, doubting my own worth. And one of it was this… I was questioning my own faith. I’m not sure if what I had was genuine. For all I knew, I could really be just some semblance of a Christian all this while without actually being one. I haven't exactly been Mr. Repentant all these while
“It’s true. Sometimes, you can see people learn so much about Scripture and of God, but their lives do not reflect one bit on what they learned.”
I felt that way. I didn’t think the way I think and the way I lived was anywhere near what was required of a Christian. If Ann Rice thought that she had leave Christian circles because they weren’t Christian enough, here I am thinking perhaps I don’t belong because I’m not Christian enough.
“So what do you think? Do you think I have relationship with God?”
“I think you do…..”
“How do I know that’s true?”
“If you find yourself relying on God, depending on him, and believing that He is in control of your life, and that He’s there by your side, and that He’s there to help you in the things that you do…. then I’d say, you already have a relationship with God.”
Do I have that? I don’t know….. but I think I maybe I do… even if it’s just a little perhaps. Good enough to be a righteous, sanctified person? I don’t think so. But I hope at least enough that when I die some day, I will not be on the receiving end of the words “I never knew you….”
“What do you mean?”
“As in…. do you know God personally? You know how they keep emphasizing on how it’s different it is to know a lot ABOUT God , but not really KNOW God at all?...”
“mmHmmmm….”
“I don’t know if I know God. At least, I’m not sure. I don’t know if what I have is genuine. I don’t know if I really have any sort of relationship with God… Wasn’t there some sort of verse where Jesus talks about how not everyone who comes to me and says ‘Lord, Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven?.......That he will say “I Never Knew You..” even to some who prophesized and performed miracles in His name? How do I know if I’m having a relationship with God?”
It all sounded like very basic questions for some sort of new born Christian I guess. But it was one of the things on my mind of late. I don’t know if I’m going through some sort of identity crisis or religious crisis, quarter life crisis.. or just a good old fashion emotional meltdown. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been questioning myself more than ever. I find myself doubting my own abilities, doubting my own heart, doubting my own worth. And one of it was this… I was questioning my own faith. I’m not sure if what I had was genuine. For all I knew, I could really be just some semblance of a Christian all this while without actually being one. I haven't exactly been Mr. Repentant all these while
“It’s true. Sometimes, you can see people learn so much about Scripture and of God, but their lives do not reflect one bit on what they learned.”
I felt that way. I didn’t think the way I think and the way I lived was anywhere near what was required of a Christian. If Ann Rice thought that she had leave Christian circles because they weren’t Christian enough, here I am thinking perhaps I don’t belong because I’m not Christian enough.
“So what do you think? Do you think I have relationship with God?”
“I think you do…..”
“How do I know that’s true?”
“If you find yourself relying on God, depending on him, and believing that He is in control of your life, and that He’s there by your side, and that He’s there to help you in the things that you do…. then I’d say, you already have a relationship with God.”
Do I have that? I don’t know….. but I think I maybe I do… even if it’s just a little perhaps. Good enough to be a righteous, sanctified person? I don’t think so. But I hope at least enough that when I die some day, I will not be on the receiving end of the words “I never knew you….”
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Anonymous Blogger
I’ve been toying with the idea of starting another blog. One that’s a bit more public. One where I can share the things I write with the people closest to me.
You see, I’ve managed for the past few years to keep my writing / blogging activities completely anonymous and unknown especially to the peoples closest to me. I did this for a few reasons.
#1 I treated blogging purely as an outlet to rant and vent… mostly about the people and things closest to me.
#2 I am fully convinced that I write terribly about a lot of long winded crap and am just too shy to share it.
#3 I don’t actually have anything of interest to say to people… or at least I don’t think they would be.
After all this while of writing, I still think my writing is not quite up to par especially when compared to so many awesome bloggers / writers out there. Some writers write in such concise but profound ways that it just cuts right through to the heart of the matter. Other writers write with such passion, vividness and eloquence that it sounds more like poetry than prose. Every time I read their words, I am thrilled and awed, yet completely intimidated at the same time.
But having faithfully and consistently stuck to blogging for so long, I have sort grown to love the act of writing. I find satisfaction in it… joy even - to take a thought or idea in my head and string it together into words and sentences. I suspect it’s a joy all self confessed writers eventually find. When I realized that writing means a lot more to me now that when I first started, my first inclination was to share it with those closest to me. I think that’s a natural human tendency – to share the things that are precious to us with the ones precious to us. But a few things have been holding me back.
Terrified – of overexposure
With me at least, writing takes a lot out of you. When you write something, you are essentially sharing a part of yourself. And I know only know one way of writing – and that is writing from the heart. I’m afraid that I will end up sharing too much with too many people. I don’t think I’m daring enough to bare my heart for the general public. I think sharing publicly what are in essence private thoughts and feelings takes a lot of guts. I really respect those who do so.
Terrified – of rejection
A secret comfort I have in writing anonymously is that I have no fear of rejection simply because I have no expectations. People who don’t like it simply move on. Those who do, stay. I don’t know the statistics.. but I know ignorance is bliss in this case. I think a part of me fears that when I show it to the people around me, that they will read it… and find it completely unimpressive.. or worse… rubbish. And since writing has become such an integral part of my means of expression, I don’t know if I can handle that kind of rejection. The fraction of things I have attempted to share on Facebook have been received with mix responses. Encouragingly, some like it and find it inspiring or thoughtful. But not everyone had nice things to say…. One friend told me they just didn’t know how to respond to writing like that.. another told me that it’s too long winded and intense, and someone else just told me flat out – it’s not that good.
There are many other small reasons, but I guess these 2 are the biggest ones. It’s safer to just stick this way and pretend I’m sort of an anonymous diamond in the rough that has every potential of becoming as popular and as awesome as this guy (link) than to try and find out that I really am not. So strong are the chains of fear that keep us from reaching our full potential – or at least to try to. By the way, I really really admire his work.
Having all this fears aside, I still find myself wanting to share my writings (as awesome or as lousy as they are) with the people close to me at the very least. Like a child who eagerly shows his drawings to his parents; they don’t expect to be told that they’re a Picaso in the making; they just want to share a piece of themselves that they have deposited into their artwork with others. The same child then carries his work closely, everywhere he goes, because it’s important to him. But he shows it to a few choice people… because unlike his family, others may reject his work and call it ugly. That’s how I feel.
But I’m not even as brave as this child. Because hiding behind the face of anonymity, I have shown my work to almost no one. I have been withholding a part of myself from them.. which I guess isn’t entirely fair. They get to share every other aspect of my life. Why do I now withhold this from them? Maybe they deserve to know this part of me too. If not them, then who?
Anyway, I haven’t figured it out yet… I may not even do it at all. If I do start a blog, it will have to be different from what I do here. It will not be so intimate. It will not be so fluid. It will not be completely anonymous. That much I have figured out.
The rest… I dunno… let me sit on it a while.
You see, I’ve managed for the past few years to keep my writing / blogging activities completely anonymous and unknown especially to the peoples closest to me. I did this for a few reasons.
#1 I treated blogging purely as an outlet to rant and vent… mostly about the people and things closest to me.
#2 I am fully convinced that I write terribly about a lot of long winded crap and am just too shy to share it.
#3 I don’t actually have anything of interest to say to people… or at least I don’t think they would be.
After all this while of writing, I still think my writing is not quite up to par especially when compared to so many awesome bloggers / writers out there. Some writers write in such concise but profound ways that it just cuts right through to the heart of the matter. Other writers write with such passion, vividness and eloquence that it sounds more like poetry than prose. Every time I read their words, I am thrilled and awed, yet completely intimidated at the same time.
But having faithfully and consistently stuck to blogging for so long, I have sort grown to love the act of writing. I find satisfaction in it… joy even - to take a thought or idea in my head and string it together into words and sentences. I suspect it’s a joy all self confessed writers eventually find. When I realized that writing means a lot more to me now that when I first started, my first inclination was to share it with those closest to me. I think that’s a natural human tendency – to share the things that are precious to us with the ones precious to us. But a few things have been holding me back.
Terrified – of overexposure
With me at least, writing takes a lot out of you. When you write something, you are essentially sharing a part of yourself. And I know only know one way of writing – and that is writing from the heart. I’m afraid that I will end up sharing too much with too many people. I don’t think I’m daring enough to bare my heart for the general public. I think sharing publicly what are in essence private thoughts and feelings takes a lot of guts. I really respect those who do so.
Terrified – of rejection
A secret comfort I have in writing anonymously is that I have no fear of rejection simply because I have no expectations. People who don’t like it simply move on. Those who do, stay. I don’t know the statistics.. but I know ignorance is bliss in this case. I think a part of me fears that when I show it to the people around me, that they will read it… and find it completely unimpressive.. or worse… rubbish. And since writing has become such an integral part of my means of expression, I don’t know if I can handle that kind of rejection. The fraction of things I have attempted to share on Facebook have been received with mix responses. Encouragingly, some like it and find it inspiring or thoughtful. But not everyone had nice things to say…. One friend told me they just didn’t know how to respond to writing like that.. another told me that it’s too long winded and intense, and someone else just told me flat out – it’s not that good.
There are many other small reasons, but I guess these 2 are the biggest ones. It’s safer to just stick this way and pretend I’m sort of an anonymous diamond in the rough that has every potential of becoming as popular and as awesome as this guy (link) than to try and find out that I really am not. So strong are the chains of fear that keep us from reaching our full potential – or at least to try to. By the way, I really really admire his work.
Having all this fears aside, I still find myself wanting to share my writings (as awesome or as lousy as they are) with the people close to me at the very least. Like a child who eagerly shows his drawings to his parents; they don’t expect to be told that they’re a Picaso in the making; they just want to share a piece of themselves that they have deposited into their artwork with others. The same child then carries his work closely, everywhere he goes, because it’s important to him. But he shows it to a few choice people… because unlike his family, others may reject his work and call it ugly. That’s how I feel.
But I’m not even as brave as this child. Because hiding behind the face of anonymity, I have shown my work to almost no one. I have been withholding a part of myself from them.. which I guess isn’t entirely fair. They get to share every other aspect of my life. Why do I now withhold this from them? Maybe they deserve to know this part of me too. If not them, then who?
Anyway, I haven’t figured it out yet… I may not even do it at all. If I do start a blog, it will have to be different from what I do here. It will not be so intimate. It will not be so fluid. It will not be completely anonymous. That much I have figured out.
The rest… I dunno… let me sit on it a while.
An Idle Mind Is...
“Why are you still here?”
“I’ve been here all along.”
“I know. But you can’t be here anymore. There is no place for you in my new life. I can’t afford to have you here anymore.”
“You can’t get rid of me. I’m more a part of you that you’re willing to admit.”
“I don’t want you here anymore...”
“No. You can’t make me leave. You’re just trying to deny that I exist..”
“You’re right. You do exist…. But only because I have allowed you to. Only because I have been weak….”
“So what now hmm? You’ve finally decided to grow some balls? You think you’ve grown strong now just because you heard a couple of sermons and read a few verses? You overestimate yourself. You are weak. I AM YOU. Deep down inside, you WANT me to exist. You NEED me to exist. You can’t STAND being the goody two shoes, church poster boy. I know your heart… and though there seems to be many layers of righteousness above, I know what is in the centre – you are a rebel in your heart of hearts.”
“You’re wrong….”
“Am I? Are you not your father’s son? Does his blood not run through your veins? Do you not possess the same charms as he? Do you not possess the same weakness? Don’t lie to me… I know the answer better than you. Am I not the manifestation of your desires? Am I not the symbol of everything you always wanted to be secretly?”
“You are. You are the person I always thought I want to be. You are guy that has all the fun, you have no guilt conscience, you seek only pleasure. You live the worldly, hedonistic life… even if it’s wrong.. because you just don't give a fuck. Yes, you are the guy that I always wanted to be.”
“Finally, some honesty… own up my friend. I’m here to stay.. because you WANT me to stay.”
“No…… I don’t.”
“Do we have to go through this again my boy?.... Let me try to put this in a simpler way. You WANT me around. I AM you. I am what you TRULY are. Stop kidding yourself… you aren’t some righteous altar boy… far from it. I know what goes on in that sick mind of yours. You fucking love being me. The sooner you admit that, the better. You’ll be happier. You can just continue to have fun, and no one will ever accuse you of being a fake. And that’s what you WILL be if you continue this holier-than-thou talk with me. A fake. ”
“Maybe.. maybe I will just end up being a fake. But things have happened that have made me realize that are things more precious than my own pleasure. There are people more important than my own self. My actions and words are no longer just mine. The things I do affect not only me, but the people around me. I used to love myself. Then I started loving others. And I learned that when you love others, you do what’s best for them, not for yourself – even if it is at your expense, even if it is against the longing of your heart.. …..”
*scoff* “What….You mean like with her?..........”
“………….. yes, like her. But I don’t expect you to understand any of that. It affected me more than you know. It thought me some very precious lessons.”
“Please… I’m not buying any more that crap…..”
“You don’t have to. I’m not trying to put on any airs of righteousness. I know my weakness… But know this. So long as I have the strength, I will fight you. I will fight you every step of the way. And even if I lose every single time, I will not stop fighting. Not as long as there is a purpose greater than myself worth fighting for. There are things I want more than selfish desires. I’m betting my life on love. And I want to be able to proudly say I loved someone, anyone, in the purest sense of the word.”
“You see, amidst all the mess and all the heart ache, an important truth dawned on me - I could never ever bring myself to be like you. Because to be like you meant being heartless. To be like you meant pleasures that are superficial. To be like you meant not truly loving anyone. I couldn’t do that because I truly wanted to love everyone. I want to be able to love the people I choose to love, in whatever capacity that entails – son, brother, husband, friend and yes... even as just a distant stranger.”
That’s why I can never be you….
“I’ve been here all along.”
“I know. But you can’t be here anymore. There is no place for you in my new life. I can’t afford to have you here anymore.”
“You can’t get rid of me. I’m more a part of you that you’re willing to admit.”
“I don’t want you here anymore...”
“No. You can’t make me leave. You’re just trying to deny that I exist..”
“You’re right. You do exist…. But only because I have allowed you to. Only because I have been weak….”
“So what now hmm? You’ve finally decided to grow some balls? You think you’ve grown strong now just because you heard a couple of sermons and read a few verses? You overestimate yourself. You are weak. I AM YOU. Deep down inside, you WANT me to exist. You NEED me to exist. You can’t STAND being the goody two shoes, church poster boy. I know your heart… and though there seems to be many layers of righteousness above, I know what is in the centre – you are a rebel in your heart of hearts.”
“You’re wrong….”
“Am I? Are you not your father’s son? Does his blood not run through your veins? Do you not possess the same charms as he? Do you not possess the same weakness? Don’t lie to me… I know the answer better than you. Am I not the manifestation of your desires? Am I not the symbol of everything you always wanted to be secretly?”
“You are. You are the person I always thought I want to be. You are guy that has all the fun, you have no guilt conscience, you seek only pleasure. You live the worldly, hedonistic life… even if it’s wrong.. because you just don't give a fuck. Yes, you are the guy that I always wanted to be.”
“Finally, some honesty… own up my friend. I’m here to stay.. because you WANT me to stay.”
“No…… I don’t.”
“Do we have to go through this again my boy?.... Let me try to put this in a simpler way. You WANT me around. I AM you. I am what you TRULY are. Stop kidding yourself… you aren’t some righteous altar boy… far from it. I know what goes on in that sick mind of yours. You fucking love being me. The sooner you admit that, the better. You’ll be happier. You can just continue to have fun, and no one will ever accuse you of being a fake. And that’s what you WILL be if you continue this holier-than-thou talk with me. A fake. ”
“Maybe.. maybe I will just end up being a fake. But things have happened that have made me realize that are things more precious than my own pleasure. There are people more important than my own self. My actions and words are no longer just mine. The things I do affect not only me, but the people around me. I used to love myself. Then I started loving others. And I learned that when you love others, you do what’s best for them, not for yourself – even if it is at your expense, even if it is against the longing of your heart.. …..”
*scoff* “What….You mean like with her?..........”
“………….. yes, like her. But I don’t expect you to understand any of that. It affected me more than you know. It thought me some very precious lessons.”
“Please… I’m not buying any more that crap…..”
“You don’t have to. I’m not trying to put on any airs of righteousness. I know my weakness… But know this. So long as I have the strength, I will fight you. I will fight you every step of the way. And even if I lose every single time, I will not stop fighting. Not as long as there is a purpose greater than myself worth fighting for. There are things I want more than selfish desires. I’m betting my life on love. And I want to be able to proudly say I loved someone, anyone, in the purest sense of the word.”
“You see, amidst all the mess and all the heart ache, an important truth dawned on me - I could never ever bring myself to be like you. Because to be like you meant being heartless. To be like you meant pleasures that are superficial. To be like you meant not truly loving anyone. I couldn’t do that because I truly wanted to love everyone. I want to be able to love the people I choose to love, in whatever capacity that entails – son, brother, husband, friend and yes... even as just a distant stranger.”
That’s why I can never be you….
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Good Works
She calls out to the man on the street
"Sir, can you help me?
It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me?"
He walks on, doesn't look back
He pretends he can't hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there
She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she's been crying
She's got blisters on the soles of her feet
Can't walk but she's trying
Oh think twice, it's another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, it's another day for
You and me in paradise
Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise
I thought twice today. I passed one of them and ignored them as usual. I already knew how I felt about them.... but I didn't stop to think what it was she was holding in her arms. Then I realized... it was a baby. I turned around, walked up to her.. and emptied all the loose change and small notes I had in my pocket and put them in her dirty yellow bowl.
She bowed her head in thanks. But I dared not look into her eyes. I was ashamed in some ways. Whatever I was giving, I knew it was not enough. Spare change doesn't qualify as philanthropy.
And now I find myself wondering - why is it that dying to self is still not evident in my life? Why does it not come naturally? If I am truly renewed... why is there no fruit to show? Where are my good works? Can it be.. . that I am in fact... still lost?
*shrugs*
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Yong Vui Kong
My heart goes out to a 20 year old boy named Yong Vui Kong tonight.
If you haven’t heard of him, it’s time you do.
Vui Kong is currently locked up in jail in Singapore. He has until the end of the month to live before being executed – for drug trafficking.
But before you start making assumptions, know this; Vui Kong is from Sabah. His father left when he was 3. His lived with his grandfather who was abusive. His mother worked 12 hours a day trying to support her 6 children. He grew up in poverty. He never stopped school when he was ten to wash cars. His salary was RM3 per day. Food was never enough and his mother alone could not make ends meet. To help, Vui Kong moved to KL, trying to earn enough money to help his mother. With no education, no ability to read, write or speak, the only jobs Vui Kong could were ones where wages were a mere possibility and beatings likelihood.
And that’s when Vui Kong met the only people who could give him any decent kind of work and paying him properly without being abused – local triads.. TAIKO. Vui Kong help his taiko sell VCD’s and collect debts… and the first time in his life, he actually had enough money to buy her mother a present for his mother’s birthday. She had been sick. But Vui Kong didn’t have a chance to give her the present.
A few days later, big brother asked Vui Kong to deliver a ‘gift’ to his friends in Singapore – with a promise of a significant reward for doing this favour. Vui Kong naively agreed. You don’t try to be smart and ask too many questions when the boss gives you a task especially one that promised a good reward. It’s not like he had a choice anyway. Doing work for Big Brother seemed to be the only decent thing he could do to make a living.
Vui Kong was arrested in Singapore. He had unknowingly carried in 47.27g of heroin. Big brother told him the packet just contained smuggled cigarettes.
And now, Vui Kong faces death.
No one disputes the laws of the country. No one disputes that he was found with drugs. But do you think Vui Kong deserves to die for this? Many do not feel so. Articles have been written, petitions have been forwarded, and pleas have been made for the Singapore President to grant clemency to this boy. Singaporeans, Malaysians, people from the international community – no one wants to see this boy die. This was not some evil drug trafficker. This was an innocent boy. Naïve and ignorant perhaps – but innocent nonetheless.
But the Singapore government has a hard task ahead. It is a country that strictly upholds it laws with no compromise. It has a job of enforcing the laws of the country and preserving its peace. Should it grant Vui Kong a pardon, they fear that the malicious Big Brother will look for more innocent boys like Vui Kong to be their drug mule. What will we do then when 10 other Vui Kong’s suddenly emerge? Grant them all a pardon too? It is these triad bosses that we all really want brought to the gallows… even the Singaporean government knows that. But instead, it is stuck with what to do about Vui Kong
We will have to wait and see if the President of Singapore Mr. SR Nathan will grant Vui Kong a pardon. I hope will all my heart that he does. Vui Kongs failure is not of his own.. but of society and humanity. His failure is our failure. His mistake is our mistake. It is our failure as a society that has brought him to this point. It is our responsibility now as society not to punish him - but save him. The law of the land must be respected and upheld. But justice without mercy is cruelty. Let us not blindly enforce our laws to the point of sacrificing our humanity.
In his months in jail, Vui Kong has come to learn the teachings of Buddhism. He has vowed to be a advocate against drug abuse and to use his own life as a testimony to others. I hope he gets his chance to fulfill those vows.
More readings here:
http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/opinion/article/a-plea-does-yong-vui-kong-deserve-to-die/
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/yongvuikong/
http://theonlinecitizen.com/2010/05/prejudicing-a-fair-trial-the-yong-vui-kong-case/
The Travel Bug
Man, my backside is starting to get itchy.
I haven't been anywhere this entire year. (Yes, I've been to Singapore a lot.. and also to Sarawak.. but that doesn't really count). I need to go fly somewhere.. anywhere, where the people are different, the food is different, the culture is different. I suppose I have caught the bug ever since the end of studies.
To graduate, I studied in the UK for a short while... I visited Liverpool, Sheffield, Brighton & Whitby, Blackpool & numerous other small towns across the country... I visited the Seven Sisters, went hiking in the Peak District and backpacked for 2 days around London. All of which really left a lasting impression on me. The short way of describing it would be 'charming' I guess.
After that I managed to visit Paris (also on backpack) for a few days with a friend. We slept through the 8 hour bus ride from London to Paris and by the time we woke up, we were in the most visited city in the world. We walked for 3 days, visiting the Champ Elysees, the stunning Sacred Coeur Basilica and of course the Eiffel Tower, which rather comically at the time was filled with Scottish men wearing kilts due to the rugby world cup. In between that, we got harassed and spat on by a homeless 12 year old girl and got cheated out of all the cash we had in our pockets.
After I started work, my first overseas assignment was to Brussels, Belgium. I ate so much chocolate and drank so much beer that when I came back, people joked that I had eaten half of Belgium. But it was also there that I finally started to appreciate beer. I went alone, and I got lost in the middle of a small town where no one spoke English. And somehow by chance, I ended up having coffee with a Chinese woman and a France man, who was insistent on teaching us how to say "Enchanté" properly right in the middle of the Grand'Place. It was also then that I discovered that the MOST important words EVER in French are "Parle vous anglais?" and that French fries were in fact invented by the Belgians.
I went to Thailand for a few days... and the airport proudly proclaimed that Thailand was the 'Land of Smiles'... which turned out to be entirely true. Because we were lost in the middle of town, my Indian colleague and I were trying to bark instructions to the taxi driver, and all she did was continue smiling and nodding her head even when she didn't understand a world we were saying. I found out that when the waiter tells you they have 'flied lice' on the menu.. they really mean Fried Rice, though I'm pretty sure that other kind is available too.
After that, I went to Shanghai for 2 weeks.... and for the first time in my life, was eternally grateful that I at least knew how to understand and speak basic Mandarin, which proved to be a life saver. I found out first when what people meant when they say the Chinese entertained through their food.. because between 2 of us, my host ordered TWENTY (20) dishes...insisting that I tried at least a mouth full of everything. Perhaps it was my squinty eyes, or maybe my halting mandarin was amusing to them, but I found myself being taken care of very well by the Chinese folk. I had Japanese sushi with a very sweet young Chinese lady who insisted that I be showed around town... as testimony to the hospitality of Chinese people. And elderly man who was shuttling me around actually announced to the whole bakery that I was an 'important visitor' from Malaysia when I went to buy some bread - which left me completely shocked (and embarrassed).
Sigh...
I need to go on another one of those trips again.
Being on the road can feel lonely and unsettling at times. You feel like you've been plucked out from your roots and being moved from one place to another. But if you're like me.. you will also find it to be exciting and enriching. You never know what you're going to see. You never know who you're going to meet. The fact that you are in a totally different environment where nothing is the same from what you know means that you're gazing at everything with fresh eyes... everything is being experienced for the first time. You experience every detail, every sight and every moment with child like wonder. You find even the most ordinary things amuse you "Wow, look at their buses! Look at the way they eat! Look at the shape of their chairs! Look, they don't use chairs! Look at the TV they watch, it's dubbed! Look at the cloths they wear! Ooo... they have Dim Sum too? Wow, you've HEARD of Malaysia?" I want to feel that again. I want to be sitting in a foreign part of the world getting all excited over what the locals will find to be the most mundane and ordinary item in their daily lives - like a cup holder or something.
Travel is beautiful...But it's not about how cool it is to be standing at a place where everyone knows else and wants to be at. It's about experiencing for yourself the things that God and Man has made of this world.. from the majestic sights of divine creations like mountains, valleys, oceans and rivers to the sights and sounds of things created by man - villages, cities, subways, trains, festivals, cafes and the like...They are all beautiful. They show you the wonder of God and that though we do not see it, there is an invisible hand that created everything. They show you the ingenuity of man in crafting and creating a life for himself on earth - different in means and method, but same in purpose and desire.
Anyway....... enough philosophical mumbo jumbo...
The closest opportunity I have this year is perhaps to visit India for a short while, though nothing is confirmed yet. Frankly, I've never thought about visiting India... but I guess if the opportunity came, I would still take it up.
It's just that - living in multi-cultural Malaysia, I've already been quite exposed to Indian culture. I have Indian friends, I speak a few Tamil words, I watch Hindi films, I've attended Indian weddings, I've tried (almost) every conceivable Indian bread and curry there is, and I'm even pretty good at eating with my hands.
But I guess I'm just being too picky. After all, Indian's a pretty big country. Who knows what I'll encounter.
Cheers everybody...
I haven't been anywhere this entire year. (Yes, I've been to Singapore a lot.. and also to Sarawak.. but that doesn't really count). I need to go fly somewhere.. anywhere, where the people are different, the food is different, the culture is different. I suppose I have caught the bug ever since the end of studies.
To graduate, I studied in the UK for a short while... I visited Liverpool, Sheffield, Brighton & Whitby, Blackpool & numerous other small towns across the country... I visited the Seven Sisters, went hiking in the Peak District and backpacked for 2 days around London. All of which really left a lasting impression on me. The short way of describing it would be 'charming' I guess.
After that I managed to visit Paris (also on backpack) for a few days with a friend. We slept through the 8 hour bus ride from London to Paris and by the time we woke up, we were in the most visited city in the world. We walked for 3 days, visiting the Champ Elysees, the stunning Sacred Coeur Basilica and of course the Eiffel Tower, which rather comically at the time was filled with Scottish men wearing kilts due to the rugby world cup. In between that, we got harassed and spat on by a homeless 12 year old girl and got cheated out of all the cash we had in our pockets.
After I started work, my first overseas assignment was to Brussels, Belgium. I ate so much chocolate and drank so much beer that when I came back, people joked that I had eaten half of Belgium. But it was also there that I finally started to appreciate beer. I went alone, and I got lost in the middle of a small town where no one spoke English. And somehow by chance, I ended up having coffee with a Chinese woman and a France man, who was insistent on teaching us how to say "Enchanté" properly right in the middle of the Grand'Place. It was also then that I discovered that the MOST important words EVER in French are "Parle vous anglais?" and that French fries were in fact invented by the Belgians.
I went to Thailand for a few days... and the airport proudly proclaimed that Thailand was the 'Land of Smiles'... which turned out to be entirely true. Because we were lost in the middle of town, my Indian colleague and I were trying to bark instructions to the taxi driver, and all she did was continue smiling and nodding her head even when she didn't understand a world we were saying. I found out that when the waiter tells you they have 'flied lice' on the menu.. they really mean Fried Rice, though I'm pretty sure that other kind is available too.
After that, I went to Shanghai for 2 weeks.... and for the first time in my life, was eternally grateful that I at least knew how to understand and speak basic Mandarin, which proved to be a life saver. I found out first when what people meant when they say the Chinese entertained through their food.. because between 2 of us, my host ordered TWENTY (20) dishes...insisting that I tried at least a mouth full of everything. Perhaps it was my squinty eyes, or maybe my halting mandarin was amusing to them, but I found myself being taken care of very well by the Chinese folk. I had Japanese sushi with a very sweet young Chinese lady who insisted that I be showed around town... as testimony to the hospitality of Chinese people. And elderly man who was shuttling me around actually announced to the whole bakery that I was an 'important visitor' from Malaysia when I went to buy some bread - which left me completely shocked (and embarrassed).
Sigh...
I need to go on another one of those trips again.
Being on the road can feel lonely and unsettling at times. You feel like you've been plucked out from your roots and being moved from one place to another. But if you're like me.. you will also find it to be exciting and enriching. You never know what you're going to see. You never know who you're going to meet. The fact that you are in a totally different environment where nothing is the same from what you know means that you're gazing at everything with fresh eyes... everything is being experienced for the first time. You experience every detail, every sight and every moment with child like wonder. You find even the most ordinary things amuse you "Wow, look at their buses! Look at the way they eat! Look at the shape of their chairs! Look, they don't use chairs! Look at the TV they watch, it's dubbed! Look at the cloths they wear! Ooo... they have Dim Sum too? Wow, you've HEARD of Malaysia?" I want to feel that again. I want to be sitting in a foreign part of the world getting all excited over what the locals will find to be the most mundane and ordinary item in their daily lives - like a cup holder or something.
Travel is beautiful...But it's not about how cool it is to be standing at a place where everyone knows else and wants to be at. It's about experiencing for yourself the things that God and Man has made of this world.. from the majestic sights of divine creations like mountains, valleys, oceans and rivers to the sights and sounds of things created by man - villages, cities, subways, trains, festivals, cafes and the like...They are all beautiful. They show you the wonder of God and that though we do not see it, there is an invisible hand that created everything. They show you the ingenuity of man in crafting and creating a life for himself on earth - different in means and method, but same in purpose and desire.
Anyway....... enough philosophical mumbo jumbo...
The closest opportunity I have this year is perhaps to visit India for a short while, though nothing is confirmed yet. Frankly, I've never thought about visiting India... but I guess if the opportunity came, I would still take it up.
It's just that - living in multi-cultural Malaysia, I've already been quite exposed to Indian culture. I have Indian friends, I speak a few Tamil words, I watch Hindi films, I've attended Indian weddings, I've tried (almost) every conceivable Indian bread and curry there is, and I'm even pretty good at eating with my hands.
But I guess I'm just being too picky. After all, Indian's a pretty big country. Who knows what I'll encounter.
Cheers everybody...
Unseen Flaws
I just want to say something to the wide wide world out there tonight.
I want to say.. that I'm not all that. That all the good impression you have of me? Well, they aren't entirely true. All the respect you seem to have for me? They aren't entirely deserved. All the good things you seem to think I am, I am not. You believe so because you see me from the outside. You see me at my finest, you watch me at my best. You think I'm such a fine person because you haven't seen my real flaws just yet. Because the flaws I have are the kinds that are often unseen, and hard to spot. The sins I commit are often subtle and hard to decipher. And a flaw that is well hidden and cleverly blended in often stays.... perhaps permanently. I have many of such flaws - you will see them if you know me for who I truly am.
Maybe one day, I'll pluck up enough courage to actually explain this to you. But I hope I won't have to. I hope that you will discover them on your own... That you may see me at my best and at my worst and understand it without me needing to say a word.
And I hope that when that day comes...
you will still love me and accept me for what I am.
I want to say.. that I'm not all that. That all the good impression you have of me? Well, they aren't entirely true. All the respect you seem to have for me? They aren't entirely deserved. All the good things you seem to think I am, I am not. You believe so because you see me from the outside. You see me at my finest, you watch me at my best. You think I'm such a fine person because you haven't seen my real flaws just yet. Because the flaws I have are the kinds that are often unseen, and hard to spot. The sins I commit are often subtle and hard to decipher. And a flaw that is well hidden and cleverly blended in often stays.... perhaps permanently. I have many of such flaws - you will see them if you know me for who I truly am.
Maybe one day, I'll pluck up enough courage to actually explain this to you. But I hope I won't have to. I hope that you will discover them on your own... That you may see me at my best and at my worst and understand it without me needing to say a word.
And I hope that when that day comes...
you will still love me and accept me for what I am.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
As A Pleasing Sacrifice
Father Lord,
I drove home in silence with an unexplainable heaviness in my heart tonight. I feel broken. I feel beaten. I feel shattered. I feel scared. I cannot do it. Not on my own. I have not the courage. I have not the strength. I have not the wisdom. I fear my disobedient heart. I resent my untamed desires. I despair at my feeble faith. I am weak dear God. I fear not just for myself, but for those I love and care for. I cannot pretend to know how to live life. I cannot pretend to know how things work. I can't even get my own mind and heart straighten out oh God... how am I to guide others in the right way? I have given up trying to find the answers to everything in life. I know only that everything that happens, happens through the guidance of your unseen hand. Nothing that happens on this side of heaven ever happens without your consent and control...
Allow me this prayer tonight dear God. As unworthy and sinful and unrepentant as I am.. allow me this prayer..That I may let go. That I may stop trying to control my own life. That my life be guided not by my own will but by Yours. That you may guide my life, my decisions, my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my words... and every fibre of my being... for my own good, for the good of those I love, for the good of others, for the good of God.
I sing this song in prayer to you tonight dear God. Let me offer my life to you... because there is nothing else of value I can offer except that...
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, all of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, all of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you
Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life
Amen
Monday, August 2, 2010
Mistakes...
If you think you’ve just screws you life up, if you feel like you’ve just make a silly mistake in your life, if you’re haunted by a decision you now think was the wrong one, this is for you.
I just want you to know……
You did not screw up.
It was not a mistake.
And the decision wasn’t wrong
Even if it feels like it is for you right now.
You jumped into the unknown
You took a leap
You did not know where it might lead,
Or how things might end up,
You weren’t just taking a risk
You were taking a chance on life…
Don’t let people say it was silly.
It takes a person with courage
To pursue something that has no guarantees.
Maybe you feel it was a waste.
But know this
Not all who chase dreams are fools.
Not all who lose are failures.
Life’s a funny kind of teacher.
It first gives you the homework to do.
Then teaches you the lesson – but only at the end.
That’s why things only seem to make sense in hindsight.
If things still don’t make sense yet.
It means there’s still something to learn.
Believe it or not,
This moment was meant for you.
You are exactly where you were meant to be.
If there is one mistake people often make,
It is in believing that we’re in charge of our lives.
I think deep down we all know..
That though in his heart man plans his course,
It is God who determines his steps.
And I believe that this God that keeps the sparrow
He will not abandon you in your sorrow.
So take heart, and do not despair.
Wherever you may go, He is there...
I just want you to know……
You did not screw up.
It was not a mistake.
And the decision wasn’t wrong
Even if it feels like it is for you right now.
You jumped into the unknown
You took a leap
You did not know where it might lead,
Or how things might end up,
You weren’t just taking a risk
You were taking a chance on life…
Don’t let people say it was silly.
It takes a person with courage
To pursue something that has no guarantees.
Maybe you feel it was a waste.
But know this
Not all who chase dreams are fools.
Not all who lose are failures.
Life’s a funny kind of teacher.
It first gives you the homework to do.
Then teaches you the lesson – but only at the end.
That’s why things only seem to make sense in hindsight.
If things still don’t make sense yet.
It means there’s still something to learn.
Believe it or not,
This moment was meant for you.
You are exactly where you were meant to be.
If there is one mistake people often make,
It is in believing that we’re in charge of our lives.
I think deep down we all know..
That though in his heart man plans his course,
It is God who determines his steps.
And I believe that this God that keeps the sparrow
He will not abandon you in your sorrow.
So take heart, and do not despair.
Wherever you may go, He is there...
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