I think I experienced some sort of emotional meltdown last week.
Maybe it was just work stress, or maybe I was just feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable, maybe it was the lack of exercise, maybe it was the sheer amount of things I need to do before the wedding, or maybe it was just everything of the above. But whatever it was, I knew I was in a bad place. Everything seemed to come crashing down on me, I felt down and broken, my heart felt like it was splattered all over the floor, and I didn’t feel like picking myself up at all.
But as I write this, I can safely say that I’m feeling slightly better (for now at least). Sunday evening walks around the park never fail to sooth me.
I’m an introverted person. I think a lot. I’m one of those retrospective and inward looking people. I have always been a self-examining guy. Wasn’t it Socrates who said that “An unexamined life is not worth living”? It is with this belief that I often do most of my writing. As you can know by now, everything I write is mostly about me confronting my own emotions, feelings etc. That’s why the my blog title reads as such, that honestly is where ‘the journey to finding one’s self beings….’
But writing is taxing. It takes a lot out of you whenever you write something personal. Often times, when you write something personal, even if it’s just a short sentence, you end up reliving entire sequences of past events right in your head. To pen down your deepest and most intimate thoughts means you first have to bring it to the surface. And that can be quite a painful thing. That’s also why I sometimes write about things only long after they have happened.
In that sense, my own thoughts have become my own worst enemy. In my attempts to confront and write down the things hidden in my heart, perhaps I have dwelled too much and dived too deep into the inner parts of myself that I have become lost in it. Pains that were experienced in the past suddenly become pains of the present again. Regrets spring up all over again and you and suddenly you find yourself being haunted by ghost not in the form of spirits, but of memories, emotions and moments. They stay with you and refuse to leave.
For this reason and a few others, I think I need to go easy on the writing for a while. I need to take the back seat and sort out my head and my heart. For all these years, writing has been my refuge. But this time, it may be counter-productive for me. I’m not saying I’m going to stop. I don’t think I will ever stop. Just that I’m taking deliberate and affirmative action to slow down. A hiatus if you will. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you, but I hope you do understand. I need to be out there living life and not just writing about it. Otherwise, all I will end up having to write about is how I sit in front of the computer writing about life... which isn't any sort of life at all.
And there are like what…3 of you out there? :-S
It’s not exactly going to be a catastrophe of the blogging world if I stopped writing.
In the meantime, I’m still here. You are more than welcomed to email me if you want to at thecompulsiveblogger@gmail.com …. for whatever reason at all. I doubt anyone will actually take up that offer, but it’d be nice to have a dialogue instead of a monologue for a change.
Otherwise, do hang around… because as the iconic phrase goes: I’ll be back….
God bless you……..
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