The Greatest Difference

I met my boss’s former boss some time ago. I call him ‘Si Kong’ a.k.a grandmaster. In his days, this retired old man was the President of the company he worked for, reporting directly to the board of directors. He was a powerful man. He knew the family that owns the business personally. He sat on the highest floor, in the biggest office, on expensive leather chairs & mahogany tables; he played golf with clients, hosted fancy dinners for corporate big wigs, sign corporate contracts and earned more money in a month than many of us do in a year. If you were the type that was looking to climb the corporate ladder, this was who you want to be. This was the pinnacle of the climb.

I looked at this man and thought to myself “I want to be him. I know I have what it takes to be him.”

But how? How to I become him? How do people like him get to where they got to? Do people who get there even ask that question or they just know instinctively? I’ve met people who work hard and smart all their lives but only get so far? How do you become the freaking president of the company? How do you come to that kind of level of success in life?

I was still halfway through figuring that out until something happened recently that forced me to rethink this desire to be like this man. It reminded to be careful for what you wish for, and not to be chasing the wrong sort of things in life. What happened?

I met his son.

His name was Alex. His father sent him to us, all the way from France to work in our company. From all appearances, Alex looked just fine. But I knew he was pretty messed up. He never finished his education, bummed around, never stuck to a job for long, drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, started taking drugs and got in trouble with the law. Out of desperation to help turn his son’s life around, his father call on all the favours he could to, and here he was, thousands of miles away from home ready to start a new job and hopefully a new life.

“It was a desperate cry for attention. His father was a workaholic, just like me. He spent all his time doing his job, and didn’t spend enough time with his children. That’s why it happened.” my boss related to me solemnly.

It seems for all the wealth the father brought home, no amount of money could repair the damage done by his absence.

“So that’s how you climb to the top. You sacrifice everything else, even your family…..” I thought to myself.

I had no misgivings about Alex. From talking to him, I could feel his eagerness to turn a new leaf. In fact, I was quite eager to see him make something out of this. Everyone deserves a second chance. But society is so harsh sometimes; the further your fall from grace, the less people are willing to give you a second chance even though it is at those moments that you need it the most. I’m glad he got his.

My thoughts were not so much on Alex. He had messed up. But that was the past. He about my age and still had plenty time to make something out of his life. My thoughts were on his father. By society’s standards, he was a success story. He had made it to the top. But at what cost? He had spent months and years away from home resulting in a divorce, and now it seems he had unwittingly sacrificed his role as a father too. I’d stop short of putting all the blame on him for messing up his son’s life, but it certainly was a very big factor.

It gave me a jolt. Do I still really want to be like him? I want to be successful in eyes of society too, but not at such a cost. Can I have a successful professional life AND a fulfilling personal life? Is that asking for too much? Or are the two mutually exclusive? People say strike a balance. But how do you prevent that from becoming a half baked effort on both ends? How do you know you won’t just screw up both?

In thinking about what we all want out of life, this is what I came to; we all want our lives to make a difference in this world. That difference can be to mankind, to your country, to your society, or even to your company. But if you ask me, the one that’s most tangible is the one you make in the lives of your family, your loved ones and your friends. Maybe that doesn’t sound like the biggest difference you could possibly make, but it certain is the most meaningful one; a difference that didn’t change the world in a shallow way, but the lives of a few individuals in a very real and deep way. Can you think of a greater difference than that?

So back to what the question; do I still want to be like him? If it has to be like that........then I guess it has to be a NO. Why? Because one day, dear old Si Kong will have eventually kicked the bucket. His name might stand high in the annals of the corporate world, but at his funeral, the one mourning the deepest will not be suppliers, clients or business associates; It will be his family, and of course, Alex – the one he was not there for.

Knowing this, where do you think Si Kong would have chosen to make a difference given a second chance?

I've been living in a strange place....

I've been living in a strange place of late.

Where I live,

there is no sight.

There is no smell.

There is only sound.

and soul.

To get there to where I live;

close your eyes,

quiet your mind,

and listen.

Hear the piano gently playing;

hear the guitar smoothly leading in;

hear the sultry voice sing every line, every word.

Sit yourself right next to that voice.

Imagine you are right there.

For a few minutes,

forget your worries,

forget your troubles;

just listen.

Don't think... don't worry.

Just feel.

Feel the passion,

feel the heartbreak,

feel the euphoria,

feel the pain.

Feel the music,

feel it's soul.

Like how every human has a heart,

every song has it's soul.

This is where I have been living.

This is where I have been seeking my solace.

Not in people,

not in things,

In music.

I. H.A.T.E. M.O.N.E.Y.

I'm serious. I'm so starting to hate money. It's starting to disgust me. I hate the way it affects us. Hate the way it changes us. Hate the way it controls us. Hate that there's no escape.

I used to be able to be happy despite not having any money.

When I was a kid, my mother would take me to eat lunch at KFC every beginning of the month. It was a special treat that was strictly between my mother and I in the afternoons when my brother was off in school and my father at work. We'd share a 2 piece plate and I would get to have the jelly ice cream. It was humble little meal, but it was always the most special lunch of the month for me.

We could never afford buying a lot of toys. Most of our toys consist of plastic soldiers, a few race cars and soft toys, and lots and lots of imagination. But once a year..... on my birthday, my father would allow me to pick whatever I wanted for a toy. And every single year, I would want the same thing - My favourite toy in the world, LEGO. Once a year, I would get a lego set. Even then, I was only allowed to pick the small boxes, never the big complete sets. But I was happy none the less. Better that than nothing at all.

Then I grew up and started earning my own money. And along with this new found ability to earn, came the ability to spend. In fact, them more we earned, the better we seem to get at spending. The better we become at spending, the more money we seem to need. We used to be able to live with using a cheap RM20 bag. That then became a RM200 bag. And for some people who have the means, a RM2000 LV bag is almost a must. And if you had both your LV bag and cheap RM20 bag, would you choose your cheap old bag over it? And once you've tasted it, you will not choose water over wine. Proton cars, Bata shoes and Casio watches are 'cheap' stuff no one really takes pride in owning. Eating KFC used to be a real treat. Now it's just something tasty and convenient. Today, dining in a fine restaurant is a treat, but tomorrow, it may just be a normal meal (if I ever earn that much money la). 'Cari makan' we call it. But the more we live, the more we earn, the more we acquire the taste for the finer (and then ultra fine) things in life. Where does it stop?

As children, many of us dreamed of becoming either a teacher, fireman, painter, composer, musician, artist or something of that sort. You know, dreams that had absolutely nothing to do with money, but everything to do with passion. But somewhere along the line, many of us forsake those dreams, coaxed by our elders or by ourselves. We choose lines of work that are 'safe' or 'proven' and mostly, work that promises some kind of financial stability. I'm not saying it like it's such a bad thing. Dreams should always be tempered with a touch of reality. The importance of sound judgment can never be underestimated. But sometimes I think we've taken it a bit too far. The job you have, and how successful you are is more often than not tied to how much money you earn. And so we look for jobs that we think will bring in good money. Aiming to become anything short of a surgeon, businessman, entrepreneur, pilot or corporate figure is frowned upon. And if your ambition is to become a painter, artist, musician, composer or any of those sort, you're either naive or just plain mental. Some even take on 2 jobs at one time, just to 'earn enough'. The pressure to be successful - to not only bring in the dough, but bring it in abundance - is especially true for men. Say what you want about modern living, but it is still a man's primary role to be the provider for his family. Women have the option to quit their jobs. Men don't.

We all realize the kind of grip money has on us. And we have gotten trapped in the mentality that the only way out of this chase for money is by winning. Winning by acquiring more money that we will spend, whether it's through sheer hard work, or brilliant investments. If you quit, if you refuse to chase the money, society calls you 'average' or worse 'unsuccessful'. The pressure to acquire wealth as much as you can, as soon as you can is very much present especially in country & society like ours. I know because I see it and feel it every damn day I step into office.

But some people have smacked me in the head and told me I shouldn't hate money. They poignantly remind me that money in the right hands could be used positively. To hate money as a whole would also mean hating the genuine difference it can make to peoples live. A point I cannot disregard. I guess when I say I hate money, it's really is more out of frustration than anything else. Some days, the pressure of needing to fork out more and more cash just to survive and get things done can be quite overbearing. I'm certainly not going to call it quits and live in the jungle, and I most certainly am NOT about to give all my money to you (just in case you were going to ask).

It's not that I don't want money. I'm just disillusioned by it that's all. I hate the fact that I can't escape from wanting and needing it too. And this vicious cycle of needing more and more seems never ending. Life seemed much simpler and happiness seemed much more attainable when once upon a time, we knew how to gain more with less.

It's either that or I really am just allergic to money.

Geddit?


P/S: Before you decide to give away all your earthly possessions and start life anew in the jungle, please take everything I say with a pinch of salt alright. I don't pretend to be clear headed (or even sane) at the time of writing. I might think of something else tomorrow and write all about how money is the most important thing in the world. Who knows....

When Only Your Telco Talks to You...

I allowed my mind drift away as I drove along the highway. I used to enjoy these times spent alone in the car driving from place to place. It was my little alone time. But I don't enjoy them half as much as I used to anymore. I always knew I enjoyed solitude, but not THIS much.

I had now gotten into the habit of compulsively checking my phone if there were any missed calls or messages. I always knew there were none, nor did I really expect there to be any anytime soon. It kind of made me feel stupid all over again. But one can always hope.

Suddenly, the phone beeps.... "New Message (1) " the screen reads. Who is it? Who could it be? What do they want? Maybe it's someone asking me out for a drink? Is it my boss asking me to come to work? I get filled with excitement. Someone's looking for me! I stare at it a while before opening the message.

It read:
"DiGi : Enjoy 20% discount with every purchase of RM100 and above at...... "

DAMN..... I'm receiving more messages from my telco than actual people.

I chuck the phone aside and continue driving, feeling disappointed.

"You're such an idiot Johnny boy, you know that? Such an idiot." I say to myself over the radio. I knew I was lonely... but jeeeez, this was taking it to a whole different level. I started laughing out loud to myself. A kind of half annoyed half silly kind of laugh. Not that it was funny or anything.... just pathetic.

Quick-fix-mood-boosters

A lot of people have a lot of different things to say about finding happiness. And while profound happiness is certainly something we all want ultimately, I don't think any of us want to be waking up in the morning trying to decipher the meaning of life and the secret to happiness all the time. Sometimes, we may just want some sort of emotional band-it or plaster to keep everything together while we're try making sense of life. Something just to help boost your moods and help you get through the day, know what I mean? If you're looking for something like that, let me share a few of mine own 'quick-fix-mood-boosters'. Hope you find it useful:

#1 Exercise
Yes, I know I hardly look qualified enough to be dishing this advise out. But just take my word for it OK. Skipping all the medical mumbo jumbo about endorphins etc, even a short jog or workout in your room helps make you feel better. Here's why:You get to pat yourself on the back for your effort. You get to imagine you're some hot shot athlete like Usain Bolt (Just imagine it OK, don't actually say it to anyone). But most significantly, you get to become hot and sweaty, which for some of us is the closest we'll ever get to actually being 'hot'. But seriously, sweating it out is a great way of releasing all that pent up frustration and energy. If you won't exercise for fitness, try thinking of it as exercising for happiness.

#2 Sing along to music
Some people seem to burst into song all the time. But for the rest of us normal human beings who have neither a decent vocal range nor any sense of pitching, singing out loud is one of those things we avoid. But thank God sound proof doors were invented. With it's invention, many of us tone deaf folk are now able to partake in the joys of singing out loud without making others shriek in horror. So, sing your heart away in your car or room. It helps lift your moods or just help you let out what you feel inside. We don't always have someone around us to cheer us up or listen to us vent. That's why songs were invented in the first place. They are made to be sung as much as they are made to be listened.

#3 Watch comedy
If you're struggling to find a way out of the blues, find something that tickles your funny bone. It could be anything from watching episodes of your favourite sitcoms, romantic comedies, reading knock knock jokes or teaching your parrot how to say 'penis'. The logic is simple. You laugh when you are happy. And you become happy when you laugh. Think about that for a minute. It works both ways.

#4 Coffee / Caffeine
This doesn't work for everyone. Some people drink coffee without no effects whatsoever. But for people like me, the experience of taking caffeine is basically like this. I admit there is a slump in moods right after the caffeine wears out, but when it kicks does kick in, the term 'legally addictive stimulant' takes on a whole new meaning. Obviously for health reasons, a lot of people have warned against taking too much coffee/caffeine. But hey, I did say these are short term 'quick-fix-mood-boosters'. Plus, I don't think anyone has ever been sent to rehab for 'caffeine addiction' right?

So ya, there you have it. Four little things that helps on days where the end couldn't come soon enough

Cheers everyone.

Just the little things in life......

People often think of grand achievements or significant milestones when talking about moments that are special in their life. Surely, defining moments of your life deserved to be called special. But what about the little things in life? What about the finer points of daily living? Don’t you think there are many less obvious things that come our way in smaller and subtler ways that are special too? Moments that warm your heart, or make you say to yourself “Hey, I feel so alive!” or simply… moments that make life just a bit more fun. Here are some of mine, in no particular order or sequence:

1. Watching the sun set
2. The sound of raindrops
3. The fresh breeze of the ocean
4. The cool air of the mountains
5. Fresh baked bread / cookies / pastries
6. Warm hugs
7. Sharing a laugh
8. Getting a wink
9. The aroma of fresh brewed coffee
10. Home cooked food
11. Staying up late
12. Sticking your head out of a moving car
13. A hearty breakfast
14. Lazing in bed in the mornings
15. Hitting the snooze button
16. Shouting from the top of a hill
17. Playing truant (shhhh…)
18. Listening to good music
19. A good game of sports
20. Sharing a secret
21. Reading a good book
22. The sight of children playing
23. Holding hands
24. Picnics
25. A friendly pat on back
26. Chocolate ice cream
27. Knowing people care
28. Being able to act silly
29. Receiving praise for a good deed
30. Getting things done
31. Hearing the sound of birds chirping
32. Spotting a rainbow
33. Having a beautiful girl / handsome guy pay attention to you
34. Snuggling
35. Having a stimulating conversation
36. Receiving love letters (or emails)
37. Getting a surprise present
38. Making someone happy
39. Good company
40. The list goes on and on...


Nothing too heavy. Just the little things in life......

Everyone's list is different. What’s yours?

Love a.k.a Mad Cow Disease

I can’t remember if I have ever written this down anywhere before. But if I have not, then here it is.

We were trying to keep warm by sitting next to the heater in the kitchen, eating yogurt.It was still considered summer. But when you’ve lived all your life in a hot and humid tropical country, 15 degrees Celsius on a cloudy and windy afternoon is still very much considered ‘cold’ no matter what the local English folks said.

“It’s scary” he said to me.

“OF COURSE it’s scary. It’s your freaking HEART you’re putting on the line here.” I replied.

“What if she doesn’t like me back? What if she isn’t really interested in me at all?” he asked.

I knew what it was. It was fear. Fear of being hurt. The more you gave your heart to someone, to more vulnerable you were to them, and the more they could hurt you.  A person’s capacity to hurt you will always be proportionate to the capacity in which you love them. To give people a chance to love you also means giving them a chance to hurt you. I guess it was another one of those things in life that always came in pairs of opposites. I think it’s for this reason that a lot of people stone their hearts and prevent themselves from falling in love, or if they do, not to fall too deeply. It’s a lesson in love we all eventually learn some day.

“That’s the way it is. Loving someone feels like you are literally ripping your heart out from your chest with your bare hands. You hold it gently and preciously with both hands. You gingerly offer it out in the open to the other person; it feels so fragile, so exposed. And the scariest part of it all is, you don’t know how the person whom you’re giving your heart to is going to treat it. Are they going to receive it with as much love and care as how you gave it? Will they trample all over it? Or will they just take it and unceremoniously chuck it aside? Will they truly know the preciousness of what they just received from you? Not only do you not know the answer to that, there’s nothing you can do even if you did. They will do as they will what you give.” …..

He kept silent for a while then laughed. “Hahaha…. I don’t think I’m going to forget how you just described it….”

I laughed back. I don’t think I could ever forget it too. It was actually the first time the two of us were talking about the subject of love in our then four year friendship.

“But I don’t think there’s any other way. If you want to love someone, and if you want to be loved, then this is the only way. You have to put your heart out there. How else will they ever get a chance to seize it if you don’t? No pain, no gain. No risk, no glory.”

"Hmmmmm... Yeah... I guess so..." came the reply.

"Don't worry too much la. At least she's responding. Which is ALWAYS a good sign. Go get'em!!" I gave him an encouraging pat on the  back....

After that, the conversation drifted off to other things.......There's only so much of these sort of deep, heart to heart stuff two dudes can share in one sitting.

It is in our most basic instinct to want to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We wear shoes, we live under covered roofs, we invent seat belts, we stay away from dark alleys, we carry pepper sprays, we learn martial arts. In everything we do, there is always an underlining will to survive. And you survive by not getting yourself hurt. Yet, we still choose to love. We take a chance on love anyway, despite knowing risk of hurt, pain and even rejection. It goes against our instincts of protecting ourselves. If you look at it very carefully, love closely follows the pattern of madness. Even love itself makes no sense. It’s some abstract, intangible thingy that supposedly makes the earth go round. It floats in your heart and meddles with your brain. It often makes you do things that have no real benefit (and sometimes even harm) to yourself beyond feeling good. It makes everyone else (who isn’t infected with love) call you such a dumb ass for sacrificing so much of yourself. And all you can say to them is "You don't get it."... Of course they don't get it. Because it’s crazy that’s what it is. So why do we do it? Why do we prescribe to this madness?

Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the human version of the mad cow disease. It would explain why people in love can be stubborn as a cow when it came to their determination to love.

The only other thing I can think of, is that perhaps, deep deep down at some level of our existence, we believe that for all the madness it brings, for all the pain it carries with it, we believe in love. It will always be worth it. How can it not be? It was with love that each and every one of us were created. The love of God Himself, the love of our parents, the love of our friends and our family, the love we have for our fellow human being; these are all the reasons we are alive today. If love was the reason we first existed, then it surely has to be the reason we continue to exist. Love is the cornerstone of our existence.

That HAS to be it. It HAS to. Because if it's just mad cow disease... then we're all so so seriously screwed my dear.....

Early Birds Catch More Than Just The Worm...

I've been thinking....

Yes, yes, I know I'm ALWAYS thinking. But I thought of something new today.

Woke up early to go for jog in the park this morning. The sun was already up, and the sky was just the way I loved it; clear and blue. I could hear birds chirping away in the trees... and I actually saw a squirrel. This might not seem like such a big deal to people, but hey, for a city dweller like me who spends most of his life in air conditioned rooms and office buildings, anything other than a dog or a cat (or rat) is practically considered 'wildlife'....

I've always been more of a night owl, not much of a morning person. I often spend my mornings sleeping away, or wishing I was sleeping. To me, the best way to spend your morning is to be warmly snuggled up in bed underneath your blanket, and when available, with someone next to you for you to say good morning to, wrestle around and laze in bed with. THAT's my perfect morning. But since those sort of days aren't coming my way anytime soon, I started re-evaluating just how I'm spending my mornings (and nights). The only times I wake up willingly, is when I'm having breakfast with someone. Food and companionship are pretty powerful motivators.

Night time have always been my preferred time of day (or is that night?). I think it's something about the stillness of night that makes me a bit more at peace. And to a certain extent, the cover of darkness somehow makes me feel free... and thus more alive. Night times are also the times when my deepest and darkest thoughts manifest itself in me, everything from the deranged to the depressing. Night times are often when I look back on my day (and my life) and start reflecting the things that was and is. I guess the night just fits my mood of being contemplative and wistful.

It's usually on the eve of new year, at night, that people think back on the year that has been as they sing auld lang syne with tingles of happiness and sadness. In the morning, as the wake up, they stop thinking about yesteryear... and a feeling getting a fresh start or a clean sheet engulfs them. That's why people make new years resolutions. Given the chance, everyone wants to be able to wipe away all the screw ups they've made and start anew. The morning of new year is about the hope of a better year ahead.

And that was how I was feeling this morning... HOPEFUL, for a good many things. Hope for myself, hope for people I cared about..... You feel hopeful when you really want certain things in your life , but you recognize that sometimes, things are beyond your control, no matter how much you try, no matter how badly you want them. Life is part your effort, part fate. And so you surrender the outcome of things to God, the Universe or Karma whatever it is you believe.... and wish with all your heart that the outcome that is fated, is the one you desire in your heart.

There were one or two 'happiness' quotes that that I left out the last time. I thought about one this morning:

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~Joseph Addison

It was the most practical one of the hundreds of quotes I read. Seeing a clear blue sky, watching the sun rise, and knowing that the day lay ahead of me, with countless possibilities, made me feel hopeful. And if having something to hope for was one of the 3 grand essentials to be happy... I wanted to keep hope in my heart, for as long as there was something to hope on.

If spending my waking hours in the mornings promised more hope than all the nights of contemplation ever can, if being a morning person meant being a more hope-filled and thus happier person, then a morning person I will become than.

Friends of the Banana Kind...

This thought has been lingering at the back of my mind for quite some time now.

I need to find myself a bunch of friends.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.... as in the kind you used to see in the sitcom of the same title...where everyone just hangs out at the coffee shop chatting. Ideally a group of 4~6 friends.... give or take a few each time With AT LEAST 2 females in it, else it just be a bunch of baboons all over again.

I need friends with a good sense of humour. Good as in, humour that involves more than one of the friends being the butt of the jokes la. The people I usually find that do have a good sense of humour are often the same people who also see and appreciate the ironies of life (which are a plenty, so there's plenty to laugh at actually). They can tell silly slapstick and knock knock jokes but ALSO appreciate the finer, less obvious comedies that sometimes unfold around us which often takes a certain amount of observation to pick up. If that's asking for too much, oh well, I'll take you if you had ANY sense of humour at all I guess. Beggars can't exactly be choosers.

BUT.......... I'm not looking for some sort of high nosed sophisticated bunch of yuppies. I want people who are not necessarily simple, but at least down to earth and at least with a conscience on their heads. No show offs, no bull shit talkers, no self absorbed, self centred idiots, no over religious goody two shoes, no insanely crazy party animal, no spoilt brats, no Mr/Ms Know it all.

Other than a appreciative sense of humour, you must also be able to debate with me (sometimes in the same conversation) on issues that typically go along these lines:

1. On why falling in love can feel so damn good and painful at the same time… or what the heck it’s supposed to mean anyway.
2. Life and how anyone's every supposed to figure it out before reaching the end of it.
3. Men and why the toilet seat should be up and not down, and we shouldn’t need to shave just to please you.
4. Women and how hell they throw crazy tantrums and emo fits every month yet still manage to get us to love them to bits.
5. Chivalry and whether it’s still allowed (or even appreciated) in this day and age by women. In other words, can you treat a woman real special without them starting to think you’re hitting on them? And if you ARE hitting on them, should you stop being chivalrous to other women so that this one ‘feels special’?
6. Is watching a movie 3 times with totally different groups of people considered stupid, and if you’ve ever eaten Banana leaf rice all by yourself and if so why.
7. Other completely miscellaneous and random things that usually come to me when I’m driving / showering / digging my nose.

Actually, my demands not as hard as they may seem. I just want friends that I can call out for a chat, or movie, or company or whatever at all….. I don’t want to need a reason to call you beyond asking “Hey, what you up to? Free to meet up for coffee?”…… that’s it. That’s ALL I really want. And in return, you can call me and ask me what the hell I’m doing. And I’ll tell you if I’m taking a crap in the toilet, writing out my latest piece of inspiration, or just watching Who’s Line Is it Anyway on Youtube…. I’ll come out in the middle of the night to listen to you bitch about your boss or your colleague, or your parents, or your pet poodle….. and I’ll bitch to you about…….wait…. sorry… I don’t bitch much (I think)

It is so hard to find a couple of friends that can do the above?

There is actually one other requirement that I left out. It’s not only one of the most critical for me, but also enough for me to want to be your friend for life, even if you fail all over the above spectacularly. My last group of friends are mainly mandarin speaking…. And though I’ve known them for years, it has never quite satisfying for me due to the language barrier. There’s only so much of Mandarin I know… it’s hardly at that level where I’m able to speak my mind. Being with my friends these days reminds me of talking to my grandmother. You love them to bits… but you don’t always know what the hell their saying or laughing at….. and you can’t always say what you want to say.

So dear (potential) friend…. there’s only one thing you need right now for us to be lifelong friends. You just need to know how to SPEAK SOME FREAKING ENGLISH!

One Hand In My Pocket...

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

I'm broke but I'm happy

I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober

I'm young and I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

I care but I'm worthless

I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be quite alright

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm shy but I'm friendly baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing

I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to

Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends

Is that everything's just fine fine fine

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is hailing a taxicab... 

****************************************************

I really love the lyrics to this song.

It reminds me that

I'm not the only one

Who thinks that contradictions

Are practically a way of life

and that it's also the same thing

That makes life

So interesting

Not to mention...

Beautiful...

HappYness....

I tossed and turned in bed. I adjusted my pillow over and over again. Too hot, and I removed my blanket. Too cold, then I put it on a gain. I fluff the pillow a couple more times. Mosquitoes came flying near my ears and I smack my ear. I have no idea if I got it.

I got up... and turned my computer on again…. thinking I would continue watching ancient episodes of that old comedy Mind Your Language on Youtube again. Most comedies these days were from the US. I missed dry British wit and humour. They were more intelligent, and made you chuckle and smile rather than laugh out loud. But I didn't. Instead

I typed out a search… H.a.p.p.i.n.e.s.s .....

There was a wikipedia article on Happiness. I skipped it. I wasn't looking for knowledge. I was looking for wisdom. I was looking for... Happiness.. or rather the key to it, because at that moment, as I lay alone in my bed, with no one to talk to, no one to share, no one to care, I felt that happiness had suddenly gone missing in my life. I was happy. WAS. And now that it's missing, I wasn't sure how to find it again. So many others around me were unhappy too.... I suddenly became so aware of how universal this pursuit really is...... everyone seems to be looking for an answer. Everyone wants to know how to be happy. We’ve all been happy before at some point in our lives. But I don’t think we all know exactly how we became happy each and every time. And the funny thing is, we wonder more about happiness when we’re not experiencing it.

Next in line were websites with hundreds and hundreds of quotes on happiness, and I clicked on it. Maybe the wisdom of generations of old would help... maybe a well put quote will help me see the light. God knows how much I needed it at that moment.

I suddenly laughed to myself. "I got a quote...." I thought to myself.. "The answer to all of life's question.. is GOOGLE." said I. Because here I was trying to google my way to happiness... and the humour of it all wasn't lost to me even in my current state. It wasn't THAT funny, but I laughed anyway. I think I would have been clinically depressed by now, if I didn't so stubbornly cling on to my sense of humour. You don't need to be happy to still have a sense of humour do you?

I poured over quotes over quotes over quotes. You'd think the more wise words you hear, the more enlightened you get. But the more I read, the more I confused I felt. Because some quotes contradict each other, others reinforce the rest... But every single one felt and sounded right and true. Which truth am I supposed to embrace anyway? Which truth have I earned for myself? (that again is from another quote I read).....

Seek & You shall Not Find.

The first thing that hit me was…. it seems I wasn’t supposed to be looking for happiness. You can have it... as long as you don't try to grab it. Some quotes that I read:

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you. - Nathaniel Hawthorne

The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. ~Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, 1954

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. ~Albert Camus

The American constitution says that everyone has the right to pursuit happiness. But there were 2 problems. One, I wasn’t American. Second, it just seems rather tragic to me that the moment you try to find happiness, you lose it all together. It is only human nature to want to pursue the things we want most in life, how then can we say we should stop? It’s counter-intuitive. Aren’t the things you truly want in life worth struggling and fighting for?




Stop whining, Start Living

They tell me the secret to happiness is to just focus on living life. If you get so caught up with knowing and gathering the ingredients to happiness, you might just miss tasting when it is there to taste. They said:

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day. ~W. Beran Wolfe

Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. ~Iris Murdoch

Get on with life. If we hang around too long whining about how unhappy we are, the more likely we will actually miss out on living life which pretty much guarantees us that as sure as you will experience pain and suffering, you will experience joy and happiness.

Perspective, perspective, perspective.

Other people said happiness is all in the head. It's a state of mind. It's us constantly realigning our way of thinking till it looks just right. Kind of like how you can only see a rainbow from certain angles and not from others. If you can’t see the rainbow, it’s because you’re looking at it wrong. If you can’t be happy, it’s because you’re not having the right perspective. They tell me if I don’t learn how to be happy in spite what life’s circumstances are, then I’m pretty much screwed.

You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~Lavetta Sue Wegman

We are seldom happy with what we now have, but would go to pieces if we lost any part of it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

But I felt that as much as we can sometimes try to be happy despite our circumstances, as much as we try to realign our angles to see the rainbow (and thus seeing happiness), you still need the freaking rain, and some sunshine right? This is out of our hands. You can’t force yourself to be happy when there are genuine grievances in life right? It’d be almost as if we were being nonchalant about our grievances, and by extension, about life itself. If being happy meant we can still act like we don’t have a care in the world in the midst of it all, then we have ceased to care at all (about anyone and everyone). In which case, I’d rather be miserable.

It's right under your nose


Some said it's about being grateful for the things and people you have around you... which I think is closer to my own heart. They tell you life is not something you need to walk out the door in search of... but something that grows right beneath your feet.

If you search the world for happiness, you may find it in the end, for the world is round and will lead you back to your door. ~Robert Brault

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault,

I felt comforted by this. Perhaps it’s not that hard to be happy after all. Perhaps happiness was there to be found, right around us? There are times when I truly am happy over the slightest of gestures and smallest of things. But what about right now? Where is it? Or wait, have I not looking at it with the right perspective? I was starting to get annoyed with this whole business of happiness. Maybe happiness is over rated. Maybe this guy was correct when he said:

The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment. ~Doug Larson

From their eyes into your heart.

Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to help make others so.- Robert G. Ingersoll

Happiness is a by-product of an effort to make someone else happy. ~Gretta Brooker Palmer

But finally, someone said that true happiness is found not through our own personal satisfaction and joy, but through others we are able to make happy. It's as if the happiness can only arrive in our hearts through the smile and laughter of the people we make happy. And this resonated the strongest within my own heart. I thought back on all the moments in my life that made my heart soar …… and found that it was at moments when I looked at their smiling faces and light up eyes, and knew that I had something to do with it. It’s impossible to make someone else happy and not be doing the same to yourself in the process.

 Wisdom overload...

I had enough. After finding that last few ones… I closed my computer, and lied down in bed again.  I don’t think that many meaningful quotes are meant to be digested all at once. How many truths can a person embrace anyway? My whole search for wisdom of happiness turned into a freaking academic exercise. I felt more enlightened, but actually more miserable. I now had a clearer perception about happiness but was none the happier. True to the very first thing I read above.So much for Google being the answer to all of life's questions I guess....

Perhaps I should have just spoken to someone. I'd probably have felt better. Or perhaps…. the secret of happiness was just as simple as sticking to watching British sitcoms.

:-S

God the Art Teacher

A while back, I was asked by someone "How would you describe the way you want to live your life?".... And I was stumped. I didn't know the answer. I had not thought about it that way before... and I wonder why I had not thought about this before. I don't know.. maybe I did... years ago, when I was younger, and still felt unchained by the world and all it's burdens & responsibilities.

I was thought to be obedient, and I obediently went through the motions of life.. studying, getting an education, finding a good job, showing dedication at work, taking care of the family and its needs. It's the normal thing society expected. I had a crazy suicidal mom, philandering messed up father, 2 step mothers and a dysfunctional childhood...... all I wanted was to be normal.

And now, after 25 years of living on this earth.. I finally feel like I'm normal enough to be just like anyone else. The question of how I WANTED to live my life caught me in my tracks. Answering "I just want to be normal" sounded more like something a confused teenager would say. But maybe that was the closest I have to an answer. There has been only one mode of living that I knew from my childhood, which was survival mode. Take care of yourself, preserve your sanity, and get through this in one piece; that pretty much summed it up for me. And when you're surviving, you don't pick and choose.. you just do the best with what you have and try to be happy along the way. And I guess in that sense, I think I succeeded, and those who know my life duly acknowledged that.

I knew exactly how I had been living my life, and patted myself in the back for a job well done surviving. But how do I want to live my life from now on? Now that I am an adult, now that I make decisions of my own... how do I want to live my life? What kind of life will I consider a life lived well at my death bed... whenever that may be?

When we were in school, art class involved everyone bring with them some drawing paper, pencils, pens, erasers and water colours. The teacher would give everyone exactly one hour to draw whatever it is they wanted to draw. Sometimes there was a theme, sometimes there it was free sketch. Some friends do amazing things with just a clean sheet of paper and a pencil. They create the most amazing and breathtaking drawings; portraits, landscapes, abstracts.... it didn't matter. To me, they were not only amazing to behold.. but immensely personal. What have I drawn? What did I know how to draw? Two stick people, half a dozen skeleton birds, trees that looked more like broccoli, and two mountains that would look more like a woman's bra.... (It's not funny k!!.. :-P)

That's how creative I was in trying to create something from a clean sheet of paper... And that is how I feel like right now as I think about how I want to draw out the story of my life. Because in a way, that's what God gave us; A clean sheet of paper in the form of life itself. Utensils in the form of people and the world. Hands in the form of freewill in our hearts and minds. And finally, a times-up buzzer that could go off at any moment. God gave me everything I needed to start....... but I feel neither certain of what I want to draw.. nor confident in my ability to make it beautiful and meaningful at the end of the day when God himself, just like the art teacher, comes collecting us for his evaluation. Many will have beautiful lives to show for... not necessarily spectacular.. but still amazing to behold, and immensely person, because given a clean sheet, they work miracles...But what about me? What if at the end, I still draw stick men, skeleton birds, broccoli trees and bra-shaped mountains? :-S

Blame it on my bloody education. I should never have become an engineer. Because as it turns out, God was an Arts major...

CRAP!!

Because We Take Nothing With Us...

I heard this poem last Sunday.... and I've been thinking about it a lot since then.. It's called The Dash and is written by Linda Ellis... and it goes:

I read of a man who stood to speak,

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From beginning to the end.

He noted that first came his date of her birth

and spoke the following date with with tears.

But he said what mattered most of all,

was the dash in between those years.

For the dash represents

all the time she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars, the house, the cash,

what matters most is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash…

So think about this long and hard.

Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough,

to consider what is true and real.

And always try to understand,

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more,

and love the people in our lives

like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile…

Remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,

with your life’s actions to rehash

would you be proud of the things they say

About how your spent your dash?

(By Linda Ellis)

It was the first time I was hearing the poem (and what a beautiful poem it is)... but it wasn't the first time I had wondered about what people would say about me should I drop dead today all of a sudden. In fact, the book I am current reading is Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom, gifted to me by a friend... and the entire book is about the author obliging a request by his Rabbi to do his eulogy upon his death.

I sit in a coffee house overlooking a busy road in KL as I type this, I see hundreds of car passing by.. I see the sun setting... I see people hopping in and out of cabs and buses. Around, there are a couple of smartly dressed men sitting down drinking coffee, discussing some high powered corporate maneuver or something...Aaaahh yes... of course. Work never stops calling... even as the sun goes down. Everyone wants to leave their mark in this world... everyone feels like they need to do something in order to be remembered or acknowledged in their time on earth.. everyone wants to feel like they made a difference. Some seek to fulfill that through their work, like these men.... obviously believing at some level that what they were discussing and planning was of some significance. Others fulfill it through the community they are in by helping the poor and needy or by doing charity; soup kitchens, humanitarian missions, community projects......... and some through the people they come in contact with, by getting involved in a personal way, by being there in the most critical times, by helping out...person by person in biggest of efforts and smallest of gestures... It's our own way of preserving our existence on this earth. None of us want to think that after being made from ashes, we return to ashes.. with doing nothing worthwhile in between beyond having existed. We all want that dash to have meant something.

In the book I'm reading, the dying rabbi said that when babies are born.. their hands are clasped. A baby's instinct is to try to hold on to as much as possible as he can, always clasping, always grabbing. But as we grow older and weaker and eventually pass away.....we do it with palms open....

Perhaps because we learn that we take nothing with us.

Uncovering Audio Diamonds V

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

I wonder what happened to Eric Clapton. I think the guy write some of the most honest and simple lyrics around. No flowerly stuff.. no fancy words... Just him, his guitar and his honest feelings. I miss thing song. There aren't enough blues and jazz music styled music these days......  The lyrics is pretty self explanatory.. so no need for that here. The backup vocals is actually Babyface, the ultra accomplished single / composer from the 90s who's written so many hit songs he probably did this one for the fun of it. Don't you ever woke up some days wishing you could change the world for your love too? Hope you enjoy it.

******************************

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you

Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth

That this love I have inside is everything it seems

But for now I find it's only in my dreams

CHORUS:

That I can change the world

I would be the sunlight in your universe

You will think my love was really something good

Baby if I could change the world

If I could be king even for a day

I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way

And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made

Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day

CHORUS:

That I can change the world

I would be the sunlight in your universe

You will think my love was really something good

Baby if I could change the world

Baby if I could change the world

- GUITAR SOLO -

CHORUS:

That I can change the world

I would be the sunlight in your universe

You will think my love was really something good

Baby if I could change the world

Baby if I could change the world

Baby if I could change the world

Chinese ----> Filial Piety -----> Love

There have been 2 words on my mind of late..

FILIAL PIETY.

It's not a very common value or word that's used this days... but somehow still remains a very strong value that many of us still uphold, consciously or otherwise.

I speak as person of Chinese decent... where the values of Filial Piety was first advocated by Confucius to Chinese society thousands of years ago. It became one of the cornerstones and building blocks of Chinese society, on how to think, how to act, how to carry yourself, especially when it comes to your parents. No one thought my generation filial piety. No one purposefully thought my fathers generation filial piety. But in the past few days... I have come to realize it remains very much present in our value system.

I was at my uncle's house last week visiting my grandmother. She had suffered from a stroke almost 6 months ago... and has been completely bed ridden since. She can no longer open her eyes, eat, talk, walk or communicate with the people around her beyond grunting and murmuring. Her children cleared out a room in their house, pooled money and hired a maid to take care of her.

My aunt living in the US immediately quit her job and came back... just to take care of her in her vegetative state. I was so moved, and filled with so much respect for her. To temporarily put her entire life on hold, leave her husbands side, and take care of her mother, who most like will never be able to thank her for her sacrifice, if she was even aware of what her daughter did.

A few of my own friends studied overseas... and feel in love with life there. They could have lived there, found jobs there and build their life there. But they chose to come home, either to take care of their parents, to keep them company, or to obey their wishes. "No choice" they said to me. But they HAD a choice.... and they chose to put their parents before themselves. I know... because I made the same decision 2 years ago.

Another friend of mine told me about how her entire family moved out of their apartment into a terrace house, purely because the grandparents were too old to be able to climb the stairs. The entire family moved, just so the grandparents would continue staying in the same house. I was told this was practically unheard of in western societies.

Someone else I know gave up his lifelong dream and passion of being a full time composer and musician to focus on their family business... because the parents were relying on him as the eldest son to take over the business their parents were so painstakingly building for their children. And mind you, this wasn't some multi-million dollar company with a nice big mahogany desk and a secretary waiting for him. It was long, hard round the clock work in dusty factories... which promised to completely wipe out any sort of social life he previously had.

My friend resisted and rejected all invitations to go out at night because she felt she needed to be home. I found out later that it was because the father was away on a long business trip, and she didn't want her mother to feel lonely. This was the same friend who would usually be a party freak.. partying till late nights every other weekend.

In my own life, I constantly feel pressured to 'do the right thing' when it came to my mother. Despite some opposition from hospital advisers and some friends, my brother and I decided that we will move her out of the nursing home, into our own care despite the obvious risk...... There was plenty of pressure from well meaning people... but deep down, I think my brother and I felt like this was the right and respectful way to be treating and respecting her as our mother. I told my fiancee once that if I do not treat my own mother right now, how will I ever be able to tell my own children to treat their mother right in future?

The interesting thing is, I'm pretty sure the words filial piety doesn't appear in their minds as they commit this acts of love. But in the bigger picture, what ELSE do you call it if not filial piety then? The more I thought about it, the more amazed I was at how deeply this seems to take root amongst us. In case you were wondering, yes all the families and people above were Chinese decent.

As the world becomes a smaller and smaller place, it's inevitable that we all start to adopt different values from other cultures. We have now come to appreciate values like freedom of speech, individual freedom, and personal achievement. They are no longer alien to us, because they are constantly vocalized. But what about filial piety? Will it continue to survive this new age as it has for thousands of years? Or will it slowly but surely die a painful death? The problem with instilling values in this; the only way it can be done effectively, is by example. It can't just be thought like a subject. You actually have to BE it and LIVE it before it makes an impact on others. People will do as you do, not as you say. Things like freedom of speech, individualism etc are easy to advocate... because it often involves a clear and almost immediate benefit to one's self. Any fool would advocate something with all their heart if it benefited them. But filial piety almost always offers absolutely no tangible benefit to self. You don't gain anything at all. In fact, it inevitably involves you giving up or sacrificing something for the benefit of your parents.

Funny, because as I write this, those last few line seemed terribly familiar to other stuff I've written int he past. It seems more and more to me like filial piety ultimately points to an even bigger picture...... LOVE.

Man, I really gotta start writing about other things......

Cheers! :-)

Friends.. they do exist afterall....

I don't know if I've bee sounding a bit too much like I'm on the brink of amok in the past week. Every since I posted my last few Facebook shout outs regarding the church attacks in Malaysia, a few friends have come called to talk or meet up with me.

For the record, this is what I said:


"Pardon my french again people.. but.. WHAT THE F**K IS THIS MAN!!!????? You're not happy over a court ruling, and you don't like us using a word, so you FREAKING BOMB US??!!! I love this country and it's people to bits, but if this is how things are going to be, if this is how we as minorities in this country are going... to be treated.... I DON't WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE."


"So you believe in Muhammad, you pray 5 times a day, you zakat, you fast for a month, you do the Haj once, and you bomb churches at night?! God bless you..."

One group attempted to pacify me with lots and lots of durians (in a durian buffet in PJ) and lots and lots of slapstick jokes. Another friend called me up and gave me a 30 minute lecture on 'righteous anger', proper 'Christ-like' responses, and debating about whether or not Jesus would approve showing the middle finger while turning the other cheek. Another friend called from Australia and spoke to me for a whopping six hours (which was a personal record for both of us)..... but I wasn't sure if that had anything to do with my angry rantings or just an long overdue call to say hello.

And today, out of the blue, I just got my ass dragged out of office in the middle of my work day today by a friend who lives nearby my office. I thought she missed talking to me or whatever. Turns out she just wanted to check if I was OK (or if I've murdered anyone for the matter) after reading my statuses.... and upon ascertaining that I wasn't on the brink of murder, and some very brief update on each others life, I got unceremoniously shooed off to work again. "Thanks for your concern. Your mouth isn't the least bit sweet, but your actions certainly are." I said to my foul mothed friend. She was the type that did more swearing in a day than I do in a month...... "Whaaaat... go back to work la you..... and enjoy your final stages of single hood before your doom " came the snickering reply.

I slammed the door and walked up the stairs, smiling to myself. Not everyone is good at expressing themselves in words. But sometimes, what they cannot express in words, they make up for in actions... which are infinitely more powerful. Maybe this is just me being 'syok sendiri', I'd like to think that taking time off her busy schedule, making the extra effort to drop by to see me before crashing into bed as soon as she got home was her own little way of being a friend... just her way of saying "I'm here, I care." without saying it out loud. I'd like to think that if that was the message, then it was a message well received. And I was happy to think that maybe... maybe there are people that care after all. Maybe they aren't very involved in your life... but it didn't stop them from caring... and I guess the thought of that was what the smile was all about.

Everyone who called on me this few days were in no way friends in common. They were all different people I know from different stages of my life... but they all had one thing in common.. they've all known me for a long time.. the shortest being 6 years of friendship. In a way, I kind of understood their reaction... because as with the colleagues that work with me, none of them have ever seen my loose my temper, none of them have ever seen me come out so strongly and so vocally about anything at all... hence their shock. I told one friend it was because the church that was attacked was the one I was supposed to get married in. I told another that SOMEONE had to have to be the voice of anger and outrage, and since most others were either too afraid to offend others, or preaching words of peace and forgiveness, I will do it. Because I had nothing to loose, except the goodwill of a few distant friends. I thought "OK, I'll be the immature, angry, emotional one this time... so that other wiser and calmer people can come and save everybody with their message of love, peace and harmony." But to a few........I told the honest answer....... that it was just really me, looking for an excuse to be pissed off because I needed to. I don't know if they understood it.... but at least I could see that accepted it.

In my darkest thoughts, I often wonder about how much people really cared. The melancholic side of me constantly wants to believe that people don't really care..... that people are essentially selfish and self serving, that they only hang around you when there is benefit to them; financial, emotional, physical, mental... whatever.. it was only when you had something they needed that they come to you. And the other side of me constantly wants this to be proven wrong. That people do come to you sincerely and selflessly offering you their friendship without asking for much, except perhaps yours in return.... which I guess I would only be too eager to give.


So ya... I think I will sleep with an easy heart tonight with a renewed sense of confidence in friendships... and mostly... in people.

Cheers....

Background Music..Makes Everything Better

You have no idea how much I identify with this:

http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/?p=1150

There's always background music when I write too! Hahaha...

No More Brooding...

OK, I'm done with brooding... for now at least.

I've been in a dark dark mood these few weeks, in some sort of self imposed deliberate mental / emotional exile from the world and everything around me. I know I've always been retract-into-a-shell kind of person anyway... but this time, it felt particularly deep..... because I somehow managed to go through the motions of daily life and at the same time feel completely isolated and unhappy. The reasons are many and varied... and I guess the timing was one of the worst... Christmas holidays, with all its cheer and jolliness just served to juxtapose the gloom inside my heart. And the more I saw happy and excited people around me, the more I was being reminded how I'm not one of them. I guess perhaps that's why I chose to spend the new year alone. I didn't want to be reminded by others, however unintentionally, of how unhappy I was during this time.

'Grieving' I call it.... It came to me when a friend of mine mentioned the word, and asked me what was the 5 stages of grieving.. which I forgot. In no particular order, here they are; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. When faced with a loss, everyone generally goes through this 5 stages, in no particular order, and in no particular duration. Some breeze through a few and get stuck indefinitely at some, others go back and forth between a few.... and I guess in a way, that's what I've been going through.... and looking into myself, I think I've been going back and forth between a few, getting stuck in a few more than the rest. And one stage I was stuck with was anger. All this angry post you've been reading, all this Facebook rantings you read... it was never really about the issue. I'm upset about it YES... my opinions and feelings about it were true YES, but the intensity... the intensity came from THIS; this angry state of mind and heart that I've been in due to my grief.

"What ARE you grieving about?" you may wonder. Well.... I thought I knew, then I wasn't sure. I was wondering how come there wasn't a 6th stage of Grief called 'utterly-confused-and-messed-up'..... But maybe that wasn't the grieving, that was just me being me. If I had to name some of the things I felt I loss, it would be..... lost of attention, companionship, affection and love. Not just in the receiving of these things.. but in the giving as well.

For a long long time now, I've been living my life by either giving attention, being a companion, listening to people.. and just showing love to the people around me. I take pride in the fact that I go out of my way, even at an inconvenience to myself for the people I care about, whether it's my fiancee, my friends, or my family. I will come if you need me. I will go if you want me to. I will do it, if it means a lot to you. If I care about someone, going out of my way for them is the only real and practically way I know how to show I care. Don't think I'm so noble and selfless. I'm not. Deep inside, a big part of me craves to be acknowledged and appreciated for all that I do for them. It's how I feel validated. It's how I gain my sense of self. But this desire to be validated.... is never voiced out. Because some funny part of me believes that they should come naturally and sincerely on it's own... without me needing to 'ask' for it.

So what am I grieving again? I'm grieving the fact that I don't have anybody to care about (in my immediate and reachable vicinity).. and there isn't anybody around to care about me. There's only so much friends can do for you... especially with the kind of friends I have. That's why you see me bitterly stating that I could die today and no one would notice, although I know that isn't entirely true. (My corpse will probably start stinking in 3 days anyway). A friend told me that I needed to get a life. I agree. Then I remembered that I had a life 3 months ago. But a big chunk of that life flew off on a plane to the other side of the world.. and has now been reduced to 3a.m. chats on Skype. I suddenly find myself having more time to myself than I know what to do with. I have more time for friends, but find that I have no companions. Companions to do simple things like having dinner, or buying something in the mall, or just someone to do nothing with, you know?

I think of rebuilding my life up again, I do.... but the thing with rebuilding something is, it can't be out of thin air....you still need something to build with!

Anyway... I won't try to tell you I'm perfectly fine now. I know I'm still lonely. I know I'm still sad.... and I think I will remain this way for quite some time.... until my heart gets used to being a lone ranger again. But at least.. I'm know not angry anymore. For a person like me, who deals with anger and rage with as much grace as a lumberjack does with figure skating, I'm glad it's over.

What the f**k did YOU LEARN?

DAMN. My blood was SO boiling after I found out about this.

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/48874-kl-church-torched-

So much so that I felt compelled to temporarily throw out my resolution of self imposed Facebook exile and just whole heartedly condemn the incident to whoever hell would listen. And in very few words, this will be my response to them:

I’m a church
I used “Allah”
We disagree.

And you bombed my building. 

But you were really attacking ME.

But don’t worry.
I won’t harm you, like you did me.
I remember what God taught me.
“If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well.”
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
That’s  what I learnt.  

That‘s how I will respond.
But I can’t help but wonder….
What the f**k did YOU LEARN?

Pardon my French....

Pardon my french people......

I'm so f**king pissed off right now!

Something is f**king wrong when your typical day at work consist of reading, replying and responding to 100 emails PER DAY. That means that if I'm out of office for 2 days, I have 200 f**king emails to read, plus another 100 yet to receive on that day.

Then, your boss tells you to go lunch with him, sits there for 2 f**king hours and tells you you should so f**king work through the entire weekend on some things he wants done because they are so f**king important, and we're all f**king screwed if we don't have it ready by Monday. Then, your colleague who's f**king twice your age, draws twice your f**king salary, but has half your brain power comes bugging you for the tenth f**king time on how to scan a f**king paper document to email. Doesn't help that even standing 3 feet away, I can still smell his f**king bad breath and I have to ask him to repeat his sentence 3 f**king times because I can't f**king understand his f**king accent.

You then realize it's 6.30p.m., it's almost time go home, and you haven't even done a single f**king thing you were supposed to because you were too caught up listening to your f**king boss and helping your f**king colleague. You then get even more pissed off because you just f**king know that 20 additional emails on top of the 100 will be coming in the morning over the emails you were supposed to reply today but didn't. You then think, perhaps you need to continue your work at home after dinner which just makes you scream "F**K!! I didn't sign up for this!" You then think about how the Christmas holidays have long come and gone, and the boss is still sitting on your f**king bonus, which you were so f**king depending on to get you through the f**king holiday spending which left you so f**king broke. And you think "Aaarrghhh! Forget it, I don't want your f**king bonus anymore. The Beatles sang that all you need is love anyway." Then you f**king realize you aren't getting any f**king love anyway, and even if you do, love doesn't f**king pay the bills. F**K!!

You then realize you are again the last f**king person still having his sorry ass in office.  You wonder why the hell you are busting your ass working like this... and realize it's because you don't have any f**king thing better to do, because you don't have a f**king LIFE. THAT'S WHY. You then think maybe you should just forget everything and everyone, sell everything you own (which you realize isn't worth much at all), buy a ticket to China, find a nice and simple village girl to marry, and spend the rest of your life planting potatoes. Yes, POTATOES. Along the way, you also wonder why the f**k didn't you do a bit more crazy and stupid things when you were a teenager, because at least then, you could come up with good excuses; you were messed up, you were confused, or you were just so f**king stupid.... anything goes man.

You then remember that in many cases, people still remain stupid anyway, regardless of age. Age seemed to have very little to do with your ability to contract this disease of stupidity. Case in point would be your idiotic colleague who bugged you earlier. A smile then comes across your face. "I don't NEED a f**king excuse to behave stupid! Look at HIM! He's stupid ALL THE TIME, and even he got a job!! Hahahaha....." you tell yourself as the lightbulb goes off in your head. So you then decide "I ain't doing any f**king work tonight. I'm packing up, and I'm going to go jogging in the park. You had your shoes and your shorts ready in the car since morning anyway.

And after a round of cursing to yourself, you leave office, feeling that bit better than before. It's a miracle what learning a bit of french can do for your moods.

I quit Facebook... and I didnt die

I just deactivated my Facebook account. I did it on a whim.

Actually I was looking for the 'delete account' button. But discovered that Facebook offered no such buttons. Once you're in, you can never get out! I never realized that! I guess they assumed anyone wanting to delete their Facebook account is either crazy or out of their mind.

It makes you stop to and wonder about how life was like before social networking websites ever existed. And I guess for most users today below 20 years of age, they'd have no idea how that's supposed to feel like. For one, the most active place people communicated with each other was forums, chats (ICQ), and of course, good old fashion email. (Isn't it funny that emails are already considered old fashion when it's been around 20 years or so, while letter have been there for centuries!). This is probably also the same generation that assumes that by default, every 15 year old kid has a mobile phone of their own.

Perhaps I AM crazy, or out of my mind. I have a feeling most people would find the act of deleting your Facebook account to be unthinkable. But I did think about it... and I decided, I'm going to delete it.......or at least deactivate it la.

How earth shattering is it REALLY going to be anyway? Of the measly 187 people I had on my list, at least half were people I haven't spoken to or met in a year (many of which I've been contemplating to delete). Many others I've either met only once or twice. Some are people I know from work, others are relatives. How many of them were what I'd consider real life non-virtual-world friends? I think less than 20. And these 20 or so people.... they don't need Facebook to keep in touch with me. They actually call, text me, email or meet up with me whenever possible. You think the world's going to miss my online presence? Think again.

There was a time when this blog was all I had as far as online activities went. There were only 2 reasons I went to the cyber cafe every few days or so.. to check my email (which often had no mail anyway) and to just write my heart out. I didn't care if anyone read it (I knew there weren't, and if there were, they were strangers), I didn't bother about being eloquent, and I didn't bother about layout, or fonts sizes, or blog templates. But it was enough. It was more for myself than for anyone else. One or two anonymous comments would come every once in a while.. and I would feel like somewhere out there, someone listened, and shared my heart. And it was enough.

Things like Facebook came along, and turned all of us into self absorbed narcissists and compulsive virtual stalkers. There was a point in time where I'd check my Facebook countless times a day, just seeing what people were up to, and if anyone left a comment on my page. I'd obsess over which picture to put on my profile and only be too eager to post my latest pictures online... assuming as if people just couldn't wait to see what I had to show the them. I'd get excited every time someone posted a comment on my wall, or my picture.. or whatever at all. It became almost as if we have turned to Facebook to satisfy our sense of existence and belonging amongst others.

I think subconsciously, we all assumed that people would be interested in what we have to share... or at least we hope they do. Have you ever stopped to wonder if what you are about to post, whether it's a new album, or a new note, or a new wall post, is something your friend are actually interested to know?

I love this blog of mine so much more than I do my Facebook account for a few very simple reasons. For one, this blog is immensely more personal to me. I write a lot of my personal and private thoughts here, more than I ever do with even people close to me. It's my escape. It's my release. Secondly, opposite to how we approach Facebook-ing (is that a real word yet?) I assume by default that nothing I write here is of interest to anyone, except myself of course. It's not MEANT to be interesting to anyone. It's just meant to be personal..... TO ME. And throughout the history of my blogging days, I'd safely say that every single person who has visited my page (which is really really very measly trust me) came by stumbling upon it. I have made zero attempts at diverting traffic here. Someone once asked me why I don't just put this blog as private if I didn't want risk people I know reading it. Well, I guess, as personal as it is to me, a part of me still wanted to share whatever I had to say to the world, and I still wanted it to be available for anyone who wanted to read it, whether by fate or by interest..... or both.

To put it in an analogy (yes, I know I speak in analogies all the time.... but so did Jesus right? Hahaha).....

When I log into Facebook, I feel like I'm in this big giant hall, and everyone's in there. We're all wearing big giant hats with out 'Status' on it.. and everyone gets to read whatever you want to say. Our left hand is holding up a big giant collage of all our favourite pictures. Our right hand is a smorgasbord of notes, video clips, games, applications etc etc... and we're all just running around randomly and endlessly, having a quick laugh here, dropping a short comment here, giving our thumbs up there.. before moving on to the next bozo. It's fun for a while... but after a while, it gets tiring for me, not to mention lame.... and meaningless. Because there really isn't really a point to it beyond the little tid bit details you gain from your friends here and there. Oh, she's got a bf now. Oh, he just went to Cameron. Oh, he was late for work today. Oh, Avatar was awesome, but chipmunks sucked..... I know all this little bits of everyone... then what? Then what my friend?


On the other hand, with my blog, I feel like I'm in my own little flower garden. It's empty, but every single plant or ornament is a post I placed there with a lot of heart.. and a lot of passion, and I feel a very strong sense of ownership over it. There is a nice lazy chair in the middle where I sit, to either soak up the sun on a good day, or curse at the sky, on a bad day. It's my little garden, but it's open for anyone who wishes to venture in and smell the roses, or ask about the funny ornaments that surround it.... and I'd gladly and proudly explain each and every one of them. Every visitor came on their own accord (however few), every comment came from their own desire to connect with the gardener, me.

I think I'll stop here, less you start to think I'm falling in love with my own blog.. or my own self. :-P

I think I'm going to keep my Facebook account deactivated for now. That's not to say I'm through with it for good. I never said that. It's just that as far back as I can recall, it has given me no real lasting value, either in strengthening real friendships and relationships, or in connecting to people I really want to connect with. All it gives me is 300 meaningless bite sized live updates everyday about a hundred over people, whom I hardly talk to or care about. It HAS caused me to spend countless mouse clicks deleting email notifications. It HAS made me less productive at work, and it HAS made me feel like I'm connected to everyone yet still sorely lacking any depth in any of those connections.... which is WORSE than not being connected to anyone at all.

So at least for now, as far as social networks websites go.. thanks, but no thanks. Perhaps I'll reactivate my account again.... if I start to feel too much life a prehistoric hermit. In the mean time, at least this prehistoric hermit will continue the (already) prehistoric activity of blogging... which I will have you know....were first started back in Egypt.. thousands of years ago. What else did you think those ancient hieroglyphics were really about?

Cheers everyone.