Big Boys Toys

People say boys never grow up…. mainly because they will always have their toys. When I’m not busy being a manic-depressive-mentally-unstable-obscure-writer, or all-in-one-jack-of-all-trades-engineer-cum-salesman-cum-office-boy, I’m usually busy being a typical guy drooling and fantasizing over his favourite Victoria Secret Model IT gadget / toy….For me.. it’s mostly cameras, computers and mobile phones… Here’s the typical monologue I have with myself...

*WARNING: GEEK TALK BELOW*

9.30am : [Wake Up] I am SO going to get the new Nikon D3100 with 18~55mm zoom lens. And the 35mm f1.8 AFS..

10.30am : Just saw a few unboxing and review videos on youtube of the D3100.. AWESOMENESS! [Salivating]

10.40am : Nikon said available mid September… How come its not available at stores yet? [Impatient]

10.45am : [Checking out Shashinki] WOW, D90 prices have dropped because of the new D7000! Maybe I should get the D90 instead… Hmm….

11.00am : WHATS THIS?! D3000 selling for RM1700 plus only? O.M.G… maybe I should just get that…and wait… D5000 is only 2400 plus.. and has a swivel screen! That’s not bad too! [Start of headache]

11.05am : D3000 has no video and live view… But I don’t really want that.. or do I?

11.06am : Maybe I should just get a cheap body and buy better lenses. Ken Rockwell did say that the camera doesn’t matter.

11.07am : But Ken Rockwell ALSO said that the D3000 is hopeless and recommends the D5000 instead.

11.08am : But that cool Afro Hair guy, along with everyone else, says Ken Rockwell is an idiot.

11.09am : Yes, Ken Rockwell is an idiot.

11.30am : Ken Rockwell is a genius.

11.31am : Nope… Idiot…

11.32am : Ok… Maybe he’s an idiotic genius….

12.00pm : Haha… this FroKnowsPhoto dude is cool… I like that he gets his grandma involved. Maybe I should get an afro hair too.

1.00pm : OK, FroKnowsPhot dude is officially the coolest photographer I’ve ever come across…

2.00pm : So OK, let me try to summarize….

D3000 is better than what Ken Rockwell says, and its dirt cheap… and rightfully I SHOULD be able to take good pictures since its still a DSLR… But no live view, so the wifey may find it hard to use.

D5000 has a good CMOS sensor and a swivel screen, but external controls are limited… image quality same as the D90…Everythings seems half baked..

D90 is the uber choice.. old model, but solid body, great design, pentaprism viewfinder, commander mode on flash, sturdy.. not to mention so cool to carry around… but can’t afford it… and its HEAVY.

D3100… best bet still… new sensor, better controls, new Expeed 2 processor, good low noise performance, programmable function button! And affordable! But damn its taking so long to come out.. plus should I buy it without reading the reviews first?

Ken Rockwell gives practical advice, but is somewhat a genius bordering idiot. But he has won awards, so you can’t say he doesn’t know his stuff…

Jared Polin of FroKnowsPhoto is like…. super cool with his Afro hair. But he tells everyone to shoot in RAW.. permanently.. which I’m totally against…

Hmmm…..

3.00pm : What’s this? Canon EOS1000D selling for RM1588?? WTF?!!! That’s SO CHEAP! Maybe I should get that? And that 550D… man.. that looks pretty good.

3.05pm : But Canon doesn’t have Nikon’s cool 35mm f1.8 lens… which with after crop factor.. really makes it a 50mm equivalent…which is PERFECT… Hmmmm…. But Nikon takes out the focusing motor on the entry level cameras.... forcing everyone to buy their AF-S lenses….In some sense.. Nikon is EVIL..

3.20pm : [Reads the 35mm f1.8 lens review for the 10th time] I’m SO going to get this lens!!!

3.30pm : Nah, screw you Canon! It’s Nikon for me baby!!!

3.45pm : [OK, I so need to get back to work]

5.00pm : You know what….. forget about it. I’m not buying a camera. I shouldn’t. I should just learn how to be happy with my cute little Lumix…. after all, it’s working just fine, it has great zoom (x18 baby!), it has served me well….. and its really really small…

5.30pm : Ya. Just use the Lumix till it gives way. After all, it’s the PERSON who takes the pictures, not the camera. If I can’t take good pictures on this camera, it ain’t gona happen on a better one either. I should just let go of this obsession with DSLRs… [Contemplating + Headache]

6.00pm : [Moment of major life decision] *sniff sniff* Good bye dream.. I’m letting you go… Maybe some day I’ll have pockets deep enough and skills worthy enough… but for now… I can’t afford to have you in my life…. oh Digital Single Lens Reflex…Goodbye!

6.01pm : [Instant U-Turn] But damn.. the Lumix is hopeless in low light la..… noise levels are unbearable… and the depth of field… too wide.. Can’t do any bokeh… Can’t blur backgrounds…I think I STILL need a DSLR leh!!! I just want good pictures, not too much to ask kua… Even a clanky old D80 will do lah!

6.02pm : [Resurrecting the dream] Welcome back dream! It’s alive! It’s alive! Hallelujah! Aduh... =_=”

11.00pm : [Going to sleep] I am SO going to get the new Nikon D3100 with 18~55mm zoom lens. And the 35mm f1.8 AFS..

[Repeat next day...]

I swear I’ve gone through this thought pattern like……..a hundred times.

But it’s nothing new really… I confuse myself on a daily basis…

(If you don’t understand a word I typed.. don’t panic… it’s really just camera talk)

The Ones That Matter

“You did not invite everyone.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you invited only half of the group. That’s not very nice. You should have invited all of them and let them decide if they want to come.”

“I invited the ones that I want to be there. I have no more relationship with the rest of them, why should I invite them? I haven’t spoken to them in 8 years! And suddenly I have to act like I want them at my wedding?”

“But at least you shared a common past. At least they were someone to you once upon a time. And that merits an invite. PLUS….. not everyone you’re inviting is going to be able to make it. So its better for you to over-invite and end up with just about the numbers you want. I just attend a wedding last week, and there were so many empty tables. It doesn’t look good. Trust me, you don’t want yours to look like that.”

“I'm not there to 'fill out the numbers'. You are just talking about the ‘chinese bunch’. That's what you all the 'group'. That’s how you draw your circle. But I never stuck to that circle in the first place. I mixed around a lot more with everyone that you guys. I was a lot closer to other Malays and India in our class than I ever was with the Chinese… and if I go by your reasoning, I’ll have to invite HALF THE WHOLE FREAKING VILLAGE.”

“It’s up to you. But people talk. And sooner or later, they going to find out you didn’t invite them, and they might get offended.”

“So? As far as I’m concerned, if I haven’t spoken to you or seen your face in 8 years, we make no effort whatsoever to maintain relationship, you don’t merit an invite…. Because there IS NO relationship. What’s there to be offended?”

***************************************

It seems my wedding invitation list has been an interesting topic of discussion between some quarters. It’s a guessing game on why certain people were invited and some were not. I do admit it may come across as odd. Some people I deliberately DIDN’T invite despite knowing for almost 10 years, and others I have gone out of my way to invite even if I’ve known them in recent times. Generally, 3 categories of people have emerged.

The first are the obvious ones. These are family, relatives, close friends. People fully expecting to be invited and do get invited. You could call this the ‘mandatory’ list; because there’s an unspoken rule that it’s mandatory for you to invite and mandatory for them to attend.

The second one is what I call the limbo list. They are neither here nor there. Perhaps some of them were expecting to be invited (if they find out about it)¸but mysteriously never got an invitation. It is the category of people that I was debating about above with a friend.

The third list is the wild card list. These are the people who never actually expect to get invited, but for some mysterious reason, they do. They’re usually left scratching their heads wondering why. I had to laugh when someone in this category asked another friend why they merited an invite when it seems we’ve met only a few times. And perhaps this friend understood my heart more than most, she said to him "Well... I think he likes you very much."

As far as I was concerned, there was no such thing as an ‘across the board’ invitation. Weddings are special, intimate and personal. Everyone on the list is considered individually. My fiancée and I discussed it very early on and agreed that the wedding will not be some big, grand event, but rather an intimate, meaningful, private event only with people closest to us.

The question of who and why they matter to you is a question of the heart; it doesn’t always follow social conventions. In fact, after going through it, I realize that it breaks social conventions. Because in considering someone, I disregarded factors such as historical past, how long I’ve known them, what my current status is with them etc. Instead, I asked myself simple questions; Is this person significant to me? Am I fond of this person? Do I want them in my life hereon after? In other words, which ones do you think are for keeps? Because if marriage is meant to be for a lifetime, then the people most fitting to be there to witness and celebrate it should be the ones you intend to keep for life. It’s as simple as that.

And that’s how we both ended up with a rather odd list of guest invited. Some we’ve known for a decade, some barely a year, some from work, some from school, some from across the road, some from the other side of the world. But they all have one thing in common – they matter to us in one way or another.

And if that has offended some people… well… they never mattered in the first place anyway.

Thank You

Tonight, more than any other night
I feel peace in my heart.
There is no frown on my face,
There is no weight on my heart.
All I feel is stillness.
And a sense of clarify
No churning sea,
No stormy sky.
Just a calm, quiet lake
Serene and peaceful.
I see my reflection in it,
And it’s smiling back at me,
There’s a gladness I can’t explain.
Of having your prayers answered,
And the faintest of hopes come true.
Not of solemn endings
But promising beginnings.
The note I was given – that brought me peace.
Thank you. Thank you for what you did,
It meant much more than I dare admit.

I'm Glad too..

I went out with a friend the other night for dinner. We talked, laughed, joked, and talked a lot about life.. or rather……laughed a lot about life. It felt just like old times all over again. After we all left school, we continued keeping in touch but it was inevitable that we grew apart. We were both embarking on different journeys in life. But at least, even if it was just talking or meeting once or twice a year, we maintained a lot of goodwill and never severed ties.

Which was something I was really glad about that night, because 8 years on since we first became best of friends, I realized that its so SO so hard to find people you can actually talk, related and click with… for me at least. No doubt a lot of people end up becoming your friends and you love them dearly, but once in a blue moon, someone special comes along your way…. someone you just simply seem to able to connect with on a whole different level.

I considered him one of those people. We were different as day and night; he’s fashionable, I’m not; he’s flamboyant, I’m low key; he’s Muslim, I’m Christian….. the list goes on and one. But one thing my friend has – an open mind, and a passion for life. And perhaps those are the two things that have made us click. He talks to me about how he can’t get along with the ‘chinese ed’ colleagues he has and yet gets along marvellously with me. I told him its because A. I’m not Chinese Educated.. and B. Unlike them, I actually have personally. He rolls his eyes, and I just laughed. We always understood each others humour, which was another great thing.

After dropping him off, I took a slow drive around the neighbourhood. He still lived in the place we spend our high school years. But so many people have moved on. I still remembered where everyone’s house was by heart….but so few them were actually still there. There was once my father said to him, me and another friend that most of the friends we know today will all drift apart from each other eventually. At 50, he no longer kept in touch with any of his former friends. But he suggested to us that if we worked at it enough, perhaps we could be lifelong friends.

I related this memory to him, which he vaguely remembered too.

“Well… I’m glad you and I are still friends.” He told me. The 3rd friend had faded away completely over the years.

Earlier in the week, my brother was talking to me about this thing he read about how in generally, most people have 6 important people in their lives; people who either have influenced them greatly, played a big part in their lives, shaped the way they live or think, impacted their lives in some significant way or something like that…..

Six….

I started counting mine…. and surprisingly, it wasn’t too far off.

This particular friend…. He taught me how to laugh… and how to have a sense of humour.

And in my heart I had to say

“I’m glad too…..”

Counting My Blessings...

Dear God

Thank you for:

1. Family.I realized thatt as small as my family is, we love each other and we take care of each other. And I realize that family isn't just whose related to you by blood... it's also those who love you no matter what. 
2. Genuine & sincere friends. Its good to know there are people out there who love you and care for you not because they have to, but because they want to. 
3. Giving me a conscience. Although I'm eternally struggling with my conscience, I'm grateful nonetheless for it. Because it helps me know what is right and what is wrong; when to back down and when to make a stand; when to forgive and when not to forget. It has been my greatest guide so far in life. 
4. Faith. It's a weak and undeveloped one. But I believe its there never the less. Its the thing that keeps me believe that whatever life throws my way, it is not without rhyme or reason. Is is the thing that makes me believe that when God puts an obstacle before you, He doesn't do it without giving you a means to overcome it. It's the thing that makes me belife that eventhough life is hard sometimes. we need not be disheartened. It is such that the challenges you face will always be just a bit beyond your current reach, but always within your eventual height... That way, you are always growing.
5. Ten million dollars. A sense of humour. :-) Thank you for giving me the joy of laughter.

Stories of Jane

“I have to make a choice. I was ready to let him go already. It’s either I use it all on the old one or the young one. But he is old like me. We are going to die soon anyway. But Christopher is young. He still has so much life ahead of him. It’s better that I use that money for him rather than the father.”

“I’m not being wicked. It’s just being realistic. When you’re old and it’s time to go, then it’s time to go. I have nothing to leave Christopher except a little bit of money. If it’s all used up now on hospital bills, once the father and I are gone, he will have no money, and nobody. “

Christopher is their only child. He’s barely 18. Smart boy. Likes to dress in black. Has a bit of a pessimistic aura about him. But surprisingly, very dedicated to the local church. Jane is his mother. She’s worked as a nursing assistant in the same hospital all her life. Her pay is lower than what waiters at starbucks earn. Uncle Liew is the father. He’s a sales assistant all his life in KL. He takes the bus to work. They have no money. They have no property. But they have one son, Christopher.

Uncle Liew had been on the brink of death for the past 2 months. Complications in the kidney. Jane hospitalized him in another hospital nearby. Despite being a loyal medical staff for the hospital all her life, her lowly position as Nursing Assistant means that medical benefits are not extended to her spouse or family. With the pay she draws, she cannot afford private medical treatment.

She’s been going back and forth between working shifts and taking the bus to the hospital nearby to be with her husband. She tells me her life for the past 2 months has been from one hospital to another. She told the doctor that if it was time for the husband to go, please let him go… she can’t afford prolonged treatment.

She’s looking for a new place to stay. Her landlord has given her till the end of the year to find another place to stay. They are selling the house to someone else. The old landlord was kind enough not to raise the rent for the past 10 years. But now she’s struggling because she can’t find a decent place to stay nearby that she can afford.

I’m there because I felt that I just had to be there. I disappeared from work in the morning. I brought 3 things with me. An invitation to my wedding, a bundle of cash, and my car. The invitation because she was my fiancées Godmother.. we considered her an important person in our lives. The bundle of cash because we knew she couldn’t afford the medical bills. She never asked for it. But we felt her need was greater than ours. The car because they had no transport to bring the father home.

I didn’t have to be there. But I went anyway. Not because I must, but because I should. Compassion cannot be on a minimum requirement basis. It should be abundant and overflowing… as should all good deeds in life.

God knows how many people like Jane’s family exist in this world. Unknown, unnoticed, ordinary folk who struggle through so much yet never get recognized. It takes someone with a lot of resilience to go through what Jane has gone through an still remain strong. People like her, with no connections, no money, no influence, no power; they rely almost exclusively on 3 things – the strength in their heart, the kindness of others and the faithfulness of God. And yet their amazing stories will never be known or heard by anyone else.

Random Thoughts

In other news..... some random thoughts..

#1

Nerd - "an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit". I think I've blogged my way to nerd-hood.


#2

Mooncakes are getting weirder by the year. I ate an Ice Lemon Tea flavored one yesterday. What happend to good ole fashion Salted Egg Yoke and Lotus Seed?


#3

Can't figure out why Statcounter and Blogger Stats show totally different statistics. Statcounter is telling me I'm a lonely soul out there talking to some non-existent imaginary audience. Blogger is telling me there are people reading in from the Twilight Zone.

#4

"Women: They are the reason we live. Also the reason we’re so willing to die...." said the Men. Amen to that Brother....LOL..


#5

OH-MY-GOD-I'M-GETTING-MARRIED-IN-A-MONTH-AND-IM-SO-TOTALLY-STARTING-TO-FREAK-OUT-I-CAN'T-THINK STRAIGHT. 

I NEED HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLPPP!!!!!!!

#6
Thinking its still not to late to run away and start life anew in China planting potatoes and selling noodles.

For the Love of Books

I seldom buy stuff for myself, and usually when I do I usually end up feeling a bit guilty…. EXCEPT when buying books. It’s one of those things I have always considered worth buying. For all the plainness of monochromatic words against colourless paper, I still find books to be one of the enriching forms of published print money can buy. It’s like you’ve just purchased yourself a whole new adventure right in the palm of your hand.

I marched into Borders on Saturday and walked out with two more books on an growing list of reading material that were bought-but-yet-to-be-read.

This time round, I walked out with John Steinback’s ‘Mice And Men’ and ‘The Life of Pi’ by Yann Martel. The last time, it was ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ by Charles Dickens and ‘The Witch of Portabello’ by Paulo Coelho… both of which I haven’t completed reading. A Tale of Two Cities’ because gosh… Charles Dickens writes in such long sentences my eyes started to hurt from reading them. Paulo Coelho’s easier to read of course, but I haven’t started in fear that once I do, I won’t stop till it’s finished (a common when reading a really good book… which I’m hoping it is). Perhaps I’ll start at the end of the year when things slow down a bit.

But for now, I’m starting with ‘Mice And Men’… mainly because it’s the shortest of the lot

Why Do I Believe In God?

Someone just asked me on this blog... "Why do you believe in God?"

I’ve been asked that question before… but I still find that the answer isn't as as simple as I’d like it to be. I'm still working on simplifying it further. I guess the short answer would be another question.. ‘How do you NOT believe in God?”

I wrote an open letter to God once a few months ago briefly explaining my convictions (here) but the bottom line to me is this – it makes more sense to believe in God than it is to try to deny it.

I’m a Christian. I believe in the historical and factual account of a person named Jesus Christ… I’m sure you’ve heard the story. But I don’t want this to turn into some sort of evangelistic essay, so to be objective….. let me take a crack at this without any reference to my personal religious convictions…..

Look around you. Look at the earth, look at nature and look at the miracle of life…. Have you ever stopped to wonder how is it that there exist such a complex and sophisticated universe one there and here on earth? And in the sheer complexity of creation, why is it that everything hasn't fallen into chaos? Why is it that be in physics, biology, astronomy, geology, chemistry and what-ever-else-ology... there is consistent sign of elegant, deliberate architecture? Does it really make sense to suggest that everything happened out of probability and chance? Randomness is messy, chaotic and disorganized. You don’t see that in life or in the universe. Instead, you see designs, patterns everywhere... How come?

‘The answer is in science’ some people might say.

And to a large extent, they will be right. Science IS capable of explaining a lot of the life’s questions. It will tell you how systems interact, how molecules behave, how energy flows, and maybe in the future, how life itself is created. But even if and when that day comes when science is able to answer every mystery in existence, you still have to go back to beginning of time and ask how it all began. Even if science gets so advance that we finally know how to create life at will, then my question is “At whose will was life first created at the beginning of time?” If will and desire is the prerequisite of life, is it really so hard to believe that a Creator pre-existed before life as we knew it came to be? Is it really so hard to take the wonders of creation as the signs of a Creator... whatever you may want to name him?

And after answering all the which’s , when’s, how’s and what’s of life… there is still one last question to life that needs to be asked.....… WHY? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Hasn’t just about everyone asked themselves this question? I certainly have... The pursuit of meaning is something universal in all of us.

If you read a lot of Richard Dawkins, you probably believe more in The Theory of Evolution and Natural Selection rather than the existence of a Divine Creator. And while I’m so painfully ill qualified to put up sound arguments against someone as well established and intelligent as Richard Dawkins, I dare confidently say that these fancy philosophy of atheism, secular humanism and evolutionary biology isn’t the complete answer to the question of life.

Ask Richard Dawkins what is the meaning of life and why we are here, and chances are he will tell you that it’s to ‘propagate the species’. THAT is their answer to the why. To exist is the means and the ends in itself. In layman’s terms, it means we’re all here just to life, eat, breed then die…. And between just try to be happy. THAT’s life.

Is that answer enough for you?

I’d bet not. Why not? Because if it was, we wouldn’t be groaning and debating about the issue anymore. If this was the final and complete truth, we would believe it not just in our minds but also in our hearts. All doubts will disappear. All debates will cease.

But just look at history. Look at all of civilization past and present. Why is it that wherever there exis a civilization, there eixt SOME form of religion? Pagans, Buddhist, Christians, Jewish, Zoroaster, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh,......as different as we all are in our beliefs, why is it that all civilizations somehow ended up worshipping some unknown, invisible, omnipotent Being (or beings) which we label as ‘God’ today? Why do people bother to travel and learn about other people and other ways of life? Why do we dedicate our lives to understanding the world around us? Why do we bother about abstract things like truth, justice, happiness, freedom, self actualization and fulfilment? Let me put this to you; we are all searching for something. There is an unquenched thirst in us that we are trying to satisfy. Add it all up…. you will see that it is an unspoken but collective acknowledgement by mankind that there is another dimension to our existence other than logic, rational and emotions. And that is a spiritual dimension. We are as much spiritual beings as we are physical ones. We are trying to quench our spiritual thirst. That’s why we are all preoccupied with the meaning of life. We know that life is more than just the total sum of its physical parts. There is more and that ‘more’ is what we call God….. the one that it all come together. The Theory of Evolution and Evolutionary biology does a great job in explaining away the mechanics of nature… but it does little in explaining the anomaly of the human race. Why we break the mould and behave unlike any others species on earth. Why we search for meaning and animals don’t. Why we eats, sleep and breed more successfully than any other creature on earth yet still feel like something is missing.

The search for God and the debate of faith is more than just about proving facts. It’s about finding emotional truth. We select the facts we embrace based on the truths we accept. A lot people say facts, logics and rationale lead to the beliefs and convictions they have. When in fact, it’s the opposite. We justify our emotions by using the facts, logics and rationale available to us. This is not to say there are no absolute truths. There is…… but I think that will be revealed only at the end of time, either when Science has figured every damn thing out.. or judgement days arrives, whichever first.

But for now, here’s where we’re at. That the clinical and soulless nature of Science cannot fully satisty the spiritual question we have as human beings… and Religion for what is it today cannot fully be proven by science to be factual and true.

It still boils down to you and me on what you choose to embrace in this life.

I have posed many questions of faith to many different people. I have search far and wide and deep within myself for the truth. Eventually… I found what I believe to be the absolute truth about life…. that God exist, and that he is a real and personal God, that He is both subtle and obvious in His ways, that He is all powerful but also all loving, that He will forgive as surely as he will judge, that we are meant to care and love one another not because we are a similar species, but because that’s what God called us to do……and I’m staking my life on that belief. I might be wrong… but it’s a risk I am will take.

And as for science.. its progress cannot be stopped. In his amazing capacity to perceive and create, the knowledge of man can only grow with time. But it is never to dethrone or debunk the concept of God but rather to reinforce it. Art scholars spend their lives studying the creations of master painters from the past, trying to catch a glimpse of their genuis in the works of their hands. The more they understand the painting - how it was made, why it was made, who it was made for, what its trying to say - the more they understand the mind of the painter himself.... And to me, that is what science is. It is us trying to understand the greatest masterpieces of all time - creation itself, and in doing so, catch a glimpse of the heart and mind of the Master Creator - God.    

How about you? If you and I take the risk of believing this unproven concept of God and end up wrong, what will you have really lost? If there is no God, then truly what we’re here to do is just eat, sleep, breed and die……… which we are already doing pretty well anyway. On the other hand, if you choose not to believe, and God really turns out to be everything He said he is…. what then my friend? What then?

There’s a beautiful quote I read somewhere on a blog I read that goes:

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To live is to risk dying,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

-William Arthur Ward

It's not directly about God... but it is a very poignant reminder about about how we choose to live. Will you not take a leap of faith? Think about it…..

P/S: To whoever it is that asked that question.. sorry if I’m going overboard with my answer! :-P I guess it’s just one of those questions you can’t answer without a speech! Cheers….

A Prayer

I read somewhere once that God is better at answering our prayers than we are at making them. That He knows what's in your heart long before you kneel down and pray. That when praying, you don't really need any words, because God knows exactly what's in your heart... and what's in our hearts often transcend words.

Have you ever felt like that? Like words, with in all its richness in vocabulary and grammar and syntax still cannot fully express what we feel inside? I believe that's how and why songs first came about. They help us express in melody and tone what words alone cannot do.

I have felt that way quite a few times in my life... when words were simply not enough. So much so you just end up saying nothing.

Anyway, I said a prayer last. (which is a rare thing really). But it was a prayer without words.

I'm kinda hoping that in my silence, He will know better than me what exactly is in my heart.. becase frankly, I sometimes I just have no idea...

The Mark of Maturity

What is the mark of maturity?

How do you tell if one person is mature while another is not? What about the levels of maturity? How do you measure the extent to which a person is mature?

Sigh...

I was disappointed by someone again today. By someone I expected to behave in a more mature manner. By mature, I don't mean wiser or smarter or more intelligent, but simply by being more responsible.

Because to me, that's the true hallmark of maturity isn't it? How responsible you are as a person. How much responsibilities you take on and how you carry out those responsibilities. We are ultimately the sum of the things we do. We are the sum of our actions. And when we fail to act in a responsible manner, it shows just how mature we are. And by responsible, I really mean dependable. Because in many ways, a mature person is often a person you can depend on, be it for sound advice, cool heads or simply just to get something done. Is it really that hard to do. When you commission a task to someone to do, you trust that this person has the maturity of mind and the consistency in action to make sure things turn out the way you require them to. That's how you know if someone is dependable.

Dependability doesn't just happen overnight. It takes a lot of commitment and hard work. Dependability is perhaps the most unnoticed attribute of all... because it's so hard to see. You need to be with a person for a long time before you realize that this person is dependable. And even when you discover they are dependable, you might not think highly of this quality..... Until some disaster happens and you realize just how much you really need a to have people who are dependable.

Maybe I’m just being too hard on this person. After all, he is young. But when I was young, I did not behave like him…so what’s the excuse? I realized that while age is a good measure of a persons level of maturity, it is by no means definitive. I’ve come across many examples of younger people behaving more maturely that older people.

But then when? When will you grow up? When will you learn that big brother and big sister isn’t going to be around forever to take care of things? When will you realize that one day, someone will be depending on you? And just in case you haven’t notice, there already are people depending on you, and you are still not living up to it.

Sigh….

The strange part of it all is, this person is considered by many younger than him to be ‘big brother’. Many people younger than him look up to him and respect him and consider him to be a role model. They see him as this ‘mature’ big brother that knows how to get things together. Sometimes, I applaud this. I feel it’s good for him to have someone that looks up to him. That way, he’d feel compelled to actually live up to those expectations.

And yet, I see things about him that he so painstakingly lacks in terms of maturity. He has yet to learn lessons on responsibility, proper time management and the simple but oh-so-critical attribute of being dependable…. especially for your loved ones.

Take my word for it… if you have ever loved someone in your life.. know this… the most comforting thing you can provide someone is the knowledge that they can count on you when it matters the most. In times of crisis, it is often the knowledge that we never need to stand alone that gives us the greatest strength. It is the knowledge that if we ever find ourselves is so much trouble that we can’t help ourselves, there is someone there who will help you. And even if that help is never ever called upon, the mere knowledge of it is power enough to see you through.

If you are something to someone; brother, father, mother, sister, friend, colleague, roommate, client, supplier, vendor, neighbour… whatever it is…. be someone dependable, someone who can be relied on. When you do, people will learn to trust you…. they will know it’s safe to entrust you with important things, things that matter to them. And somewhere along the line, someone will eventually entrust you with something that matters most to them – their heart. Because you would have just given that someone a very very good reason to love you.

Where there’s trust, love is never far behind.

Think about it.

So what is the mark of maturity?

I would have to say the presence of trust.

Bloggers Anonymous

I just discovered that I might just be suffering from blog addiction.

I came across this webpage.. that's trying to help people cure their addictions from blogging.. Kinda like an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) support group but for bloggers.... who knew right?

I had to laugh out loud of course.... becuse the irony stood out to me immediately. A bunch of people are trying to help othesr kick their blogging addiction... and the first thing they do is set up a blog about it. Wait... what? That's like having an AA session in a liquour store, or a Quit Smoking Campaign in the smoking room. It just doesn't add up.

But it looks like it's serious stuff.. because it seems for some people.. they get so addicted to blogging.. it's starting to get in the way of them living their lives.. Ouch..

They came up with this list of 'symptoms' here for you to tell if you're addicted.. My asnwers are in blue

10. You check your blog stats a LOT. You occasionally get up in the middle of the night and sneak a peak.
YES.

9. Your significant other suspects you are having an affair with your blog. Even when you’re alone with your special person, you do find yourself thinking what your blog might be doing right then…
NO. But I do end up thinking about what to blog. 

8. You “mental blog” while driving or on the train, and sometimes even when you are alone in the shower.
YEEESSSS.... Thats practically where all the inspiration comes from.

7. You filter everything through your post-writing. You can’t watch a movie, see a play, read an article, or share a sweet moment with your child without thinking of whether it’s blog-worthy.
mmmm..... I'd have to say YES. 

6. You suffer from “blog envy” when another blogger posts something juicy before you do. You suffer “comment envy” when said post gets 40-something comments – the jerk!

No. But I do get temporary emotional highs whenever someone drops a comment. 

5. You “binge blog” 3 or 4 posts at once—only to feel guilty and empty afterward.
Sometimes. 

4. You ditched all your real friends for blog friends, because, well, “they understand.” You bypass Bowling Alone at the bookstore (who really cares?) while you reach for Naked Conversations.
Nope. But the real friends sometimes end up the inspirartion for the post

3. You think, “I can stop at any time.”
No. I think "Damn... I can't stop."

2. Your lunch hour has become your “blog hour.” You keep a few posts tucked in your desk in case you need them during the day.

It's much worse than that. I blog even when it's not lunch. LOL....

1. After 5 minutes of meeting someone really interesting you ask, “So - do you blog?”

No.

So I feel like it was a bit inconclusive. I still can't make up my mind if I am indeed addicted to blogging. I did a quick statistical check.. I've done 239 post in 54 weeks. That's about 4.426 post per week for the past 13 months. And in addition to that, I have around another 100 post or so in another blog that I keep elsewhere and 30 more in yet another blog somewhere out there. That's a total of about 369 posts. Which works out to about 6.89 blogs per week. And since there is only 7 days in  a week... this means that I have been blogging around 1 post per day every single day for the past year or so.

Numbers don't lie.


Yes, I am so addicted to blogging. (and this doesn't even include Facebook updates and Twitter posts)

...... damn.....

I'm wondering if this has progressively contributed to the degeneration of my social skills i.e. I am slowly turning into a social retard because of blogging. :-S

Bloggers Anonymous - I need to sign up man...

"Hi... my name's Compulsive Blogger...and I... have.. well... Compulsive Blogging Disorder... hence the name"

LOL............

One Day... Some Day...

One day I will see you falling in love
With some lovely girl and her long dark curls
Thanking me for all the things I've done


One day... one day
Someday you will see me in your arms
Thanking you for all the things you've done


One day... one day
Someday you will see me clutching
At precious love that I've found


I didn't see it around
Someday you will see me in your arms
Thanking you for all the things you've done


Someday... someday
Playing with fire
Now quench desire


Stick to your faith
And you'll see
Baby don't be so impatient


Things will go your way
For patience is a virtue
One day we will walk hand in hand


On the mountain top where it's never hot
One day we will both find the loves
That we've longing for


It's not metaphor
One day... one day
One day... one day


Trust in your heart I'll be your lark
Singing through the days and the nights
The days


Today you will see me walking the aisle
It's my wedding day
You promised to stay


Today I will see you and your smile
You've come in gay though you've traveled for miles
Today... today


Playing with fire
Now quench desire
Stick to your faith


And you'll see
Baby don't be so impatient
Things will go your way


For patience is a virtue 

by Julient the Orange - The Days

When Boys Grow Up

Warning: This is an emotional, but nevertheless honest little rant... so if you would just bare with me for a few paragraphs... 

When I was growing up I used to look up to my father. He was this great man that always knew the answer to everything. To me he was knowledgeable, intelligent, wise and charming… and all I wanted to do was be like him when I was older. I always looked to him for an answer or solution when life threw bricks at us. And I had my brother. He has just two years older than me, but he was nothing like me. I was this shy, timid little boy and he was this adventurous, brave and fearless big brother who would always lead the way, be it into a big monsoon drain, abandoned swamp or the girls toilet. I was always his sidekick, following him loyally… from the back of course.

That was me. I was never ever the guy in front. I was always the guy in the background. The one looking up to others, following others. I’m good at playing the supporting actor in life. I’m good at being the backup guy. It’s the role I’ve been playing all my life.

But now I’m scared. Because I realize I can’t play that role anymore. I’m not allowed to. There is no one to follow anymore. There is no one to hide behind. I’m in front now… I’m holding the baton now… and it’s up to me to make things happens. It’s up to me to make life work.

As I reach the final month before my wedding, I realize that I really have no one to talk to about all these anxieties and fears that have creep up on me. I’m about to start a family. I’m about to be a husband.. and in the future a father… and the head of a new household… and I don’t know who I can turn to for guidance. My own father has failed not once, not twice, but three times in marriage. Somehow, I cannot see myself going to him for advice on how to make things work. My brother is only going into his second year of a steady relationship. In some sense, I feel like I have surpassed them in a way. I know I can count on their love… but not necessarily their advice.

As I go into my third year of being an employee, I realize that I have come a long long way since I started. I have learned so much, and have expanded my horizons far beyond what I could have imagined possible as a student. I find myself suddenly being the top pick of my boss to help him run his company. He puts enormous amounts of work, pressure and trust on me, fully expecting me to keep up and perform. It’s not without its rewards. He gives me a good salary, and tells me in no unclear terms that he’s grooming me for the top. It’s mine to take…….. if I can perform. But I see that in grooming me, he’s trying to make me into him. I can’t do that. I can’t be him. I neither have it in me, nor do I want to be him. I will learn what I can, but I must be who I am, not what he wants me to be.

And again, I find myself having no one to ask for guidance and advice when it comes to my career and work. I try talking to my brother and father about things… but then I realize that many of the things I talk about are new to them. They don’t know the kind of industry I’m in, nor the kind of world I’ve gotten myself suck into. My fiancée supports me and encourages me in all I do. She acts as a soothing balm to the hard, edgy, high pressure environment I face at work. But she cannot advice me. One dear friend tells me I should just quit this job and migrate to Australia… or find some job here that’s less taxing…. so that I can be closer to God. But she doesn’t understand…I feel enormous pressure to provide for my family. I may be young, but there are 5 heads dependant on me… and that’s just now. What happens when the fiancée starts to want to have children?

God knows I’m trying…. I’m trying so hard. I spend all my weekdays and weeknights slugging it out at work… committing myself a 110% to what is required of me. Then I go home and commit 110% to my family… trying to do as much as I can.. taking care of bills, giving them money, taking care of their needs, listening to their complaints, solving their problems. And on weekends, I commit 110% to others… people who aren’t family… but still people I consider dear to me… and I sit and listen for hours to them talk about their lives and their problems and their heartaches.. I clear out my schedule with no questions asked, I travel tens of miles, I squeeze in dinners or suppers or breakfast… as my commitment to the friendship…Some people evolve their lives around making money or what not. But this is my life.. my life is about me being of service to others, as an act of love..and praying and hoping to God that it will pay off.....and even still…….I don't know how I'm fairing. No one ever tells me how good a husband or son or son-in-law or brother or friend or enemy I have been. I don't know where I stand in peoples books. 

I’m old fashion. I believe a man’s worth is in his ability to be a good provider to his family, a faithful and caring husband, loving but stern father and a genuine and sincere friend…. If I can achieve all this things in my life… then I will have considered myself a success in life.

But since there really isn’t anymore in my life I can turn to anymore, all I have are my wits to guide me. All I have is this mind thinks so much it overheats. All I have is this heart that swings between extremes so much it feels like it’s on the verge of tearing apart. And I’m terrified that that is not enough.

Hope

Hope is a strange thing.

It is such that even if something has a 90% of not happening, you cling on to that 10% that it will…. And you cling to it as if it were a 50%. Because hope means that you ignore statistics and probabilities and likelihoods and what other people tell you will happen and instead, you believe in your mind that the outcome of something can only be a yes or a no… and that means 50-50 no matter what other people say. It’s the irrationality of hope.

But hope isn’t this deep, solid, sturdy anchor that you lean on when all seems to be crumbling down. It doesn’t give you some great sense of security and protection. It doesn’t give the answers to your question. It doesn’t even give you the solutions to your problems. Instead, it’s just this tiny voice inside your head tell you “Give it one more try…. It will work out….. somehow…..” And more often than not, that tiny voice gets drowned out by worries, fears, insecurities and doubt and we end up despairing instead of hoping. It’s the fragility of hope

Yet for all its fragility, hope is a lot like one of those stubborn coffee stains on your favourite white shirt. It just refuses to go away. One of the more famous quotes about hope says that “When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they do get worse, we find hope in the thought that now that things are so bad, they can only start to get better.” Such is its nature. Our hearts cling on so fiercely to hope as if life depended on it. It’s the indestructibility of hope.

Hope is the difference between a person hanging on and giving up. In war times, generals knew that the surest way to defeat your enemy was not to kill them, but demoralize them… take away their hope. A person who has nothing to hope for, has nothing to live for. And a person who has nothing to live for, has nothing to fight for. Whereas a person who has hope finds himself stronger and braver than he ever thought possible. He dares to live and dares to fight even when the odds are 9 to 1 against him because he has hope, and again, that means the odds are at least 50-50.. If our hearts were an ocean, a single drop of hope would be enough to change its colour. Hope changes everything. For as crazy, irrational and fragile as it is, its undying nature and phoenix like ability to rise over and over again from the ashes ensures that even when things are at its hardest, we continue on in hope.   And therein lays the power of hope.

There is a supposedly French quote that says that “Hope is the dream of a soul awake”

So if you find yourself in a hard place in life my friend... never stop hoping, or dreaming for the matter.

The Way I Am

Listening to this song makes me feel happy...... not to mention miss someone so badly.....

Can't wait for you to come home dear....  :-)

The Art of Loving

I have never met a person who isn’t searching for something in their lives….

It’s like deep within us, we are all looking for that one elusive ingredient to complete our lives… We think that once we get our hands on that missing piece, our lives will be finally be complete. It’s many things for many different people; money, power, wealth, respect, standing, recognition, companionship, friendship, fellowship, bonds, experience, wisdom, intelligence, security, variety, space, freedom, fulfilment, peace, excitement, closure, hope, truth; But for many of us it’s really just boils down to the search for one simple thing – love.

Common in all of our hearts is the belief that once you find love, you will have also found happiness, fulfilment and meaning. We make love the cornerstone of our existence. We believe in its power. We trust in its ability to heal wounds, bridge gaps, soften hearts, open doors and forgive mistakes. We believe it so much that it’s just about the only thing we sing to on the radio these days.

We all know that love something very real and very significant. We feel its presence and its effects in our lives. It changes the way we think and the way we feel. It makes cheesy loves songs meaningful, it makes impulses seem natural and it makes all the crazy things you do for your lover make perfect sense. And we want all that. We want love in our lives.

And so out we go searching and searching for love. We look for it in the eyes of others. We long for the day when we will finally find the one person who will mean the beginning our love story… the beginning of our road to happiness, fulfilment and meaning. That elusive ingredient now becomes a walking, talking person somewhere out there holding the keys to our heart. We're all desperately looking for this person. We call this the search for the love of our life.

And how elusive this search is. Some wait and wait and wait because all good things come to those who wait.. and yet that’s all you seem to be doing – waiting. Others get their heart broken over and over and over again… because you never really know till you give it a chance… and yet all they have to show for is a heart in tatters, held together through sheer willpower and a refusal to give up.

We usually can’t explain why we fall in love with certain people and not others. I believe the seeds of love are planted not by our own hands, but by powers from above. That’s what people mean when they say love is blind; you never know where it’s going to sprout. And yet for any love to last, it must be tenderly nurtured and cared for. How well a love grows depends on the two sets of hands that tend to it. And that’s where so many people stumble. They prematurely throw it all away believing the seed is bad, believe that it’s doomed for failure. But in relationships, it’s more about your capacity to love rather than how lovable the other person is.

It’s not about whether or not this person has all the right qualities, it’s not about whether or not this person is the right ingredient you need for your life to be complete, its not even about whether or not you’re compatible with one another. It simply about whether or not you can find it in your heart to love someone for all their strength and despite all their flaws.

We ask ourselves all the wrong questions when trying to evaluate love. Is this person right for me? Do we have things in common? Are we too different? Can he/she make me happy? Is there someone better? But the question we really should be asking ourselves is; how prepared am I to do what it takes to make this work? Am I willing to make the necessary sacrifices for this relationship? Am I prepared to love unconditionally, through words and action, with no expectation of returns?

I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. I don’t have a whole collection of ex-girlfriends stories to learn from. I just have one simple relationship that has worked out really really well, going into its ninth year. A lot of people have said to me that I have been lucky to have found the ‘love of my life’ so easily. Yes, I am lucky. But they do not understand. I’m here today not because I am lucky enough to have just ‘stumbled’ into the love of my life…

I’m here because I nurtured, protected and defended this love with all my heart and soul when it sprouted. I’m here because I refused to give up even when it seemed hardest. I’m here because I believed that if there is to be love in a relationship, it must begin with me giving it and not asking for it. I’m here because I risked my heart and gave it my all not knowing if it will ever be returned or recognized. The lucky part was then I was loved in return. I know not everyone is that lucky.

We are all so preoccupied with searching for ‘the right one’ when what we really need to be doing is learning how to grow in our capacity to love. We need to shatter the illusion that love is something you find ‘out there’.



Go to the bookstore and you will find shelves upon shelves dedicated to topics of finance, economics, politics, current events, philosophy, arts, science, design…… but have you ever come across a ‘love’ section? (Valentine cards sections don’t count). Is there a book on "Idiots Guide to Love"?

Am I the only one who finds this strange? That such a central subject in our lives does not even have a small shelf of its own in our bookstores? … Isn’t it more critical for us to be learning about loving one another before we start learning about the economic principles, accounting practices, engineering fundamentals and political sciences?

Why isn’t love a subject thought in school? Why is the issue of sex education in school being so hotly debated without ever considering this – you can’t teach people about sex without also teaching them about love. The two are intertwined to the core. You can’t learn about one and not the other. Why hasn’t anyone said this yet? Why can you teach and earn a Bachelor in Psychology but not a degree in the art of loving?

For a society that sings as many love songs as we do on the radio… we’ve sure gotten our priorities all upside down. We have given far too much thought to everything else in this world, and not enough to the things that truly matter.For a people so desperately seeking for love, we sure have lost the point.

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a great teacher who got down on his knees to wash the feet of his followers. This was a task only servants did for guest of the house, not by teachers for their students. And yet he did it in humility, service and selflessness. And after he did it, he had only one thing to say to his followers.. “ love one another as I have loved you.” This was the final and most important lesson he had for his followers because he knew that the next day, he would be arrested, tortured and executed in a botched trial.

Think about it…. of all the things he could have chosen to teach on that final night, he chose to teach us a lesson on love. Doesn’t that tell you something?

That man’s name was Jesus Christ.. And let me tell you something…. He got it right.

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1~3

Monday Blues...

I sang today.

The thing is.. I don’t sing. But I did today. Out loud. Alone. In the car. On the way to work. And not just your regular la-di-da sing-along style.. I really really sang it all out like some drunkard America’s Got Talent contestant high on crack.

Why? I dunno… But as I did, I started to feel emotionally overwhelmed. I could feel pent up feelings coming through to the surface, escaping through the cracks of my voice. The more I sang, the more it came, and the more it came the more I sang. Not that the song had anything to do with the way I was feeling at all. But by the end of it… despite it being bright and early in the morning, I was already emotionally exhausted.

What was I feeling anyway? I couldn’t pin point it myself. But I think it was a mixture of a few different feelings over a whole range of issues I was dealing with in my life at the moment; anxiety, nervousness, fear, frustration. A lot of these feelings have been kept bottle up…. Maybe they were demanding to be released one way or another.

This was one of those mornings where I was just feeling all gloomy and melancholic, lonely and unloved. I felt like I needed to express myself. I felt like I needed to talk to someone… to just let it all out... but due to some dysfunction in my character, I never do. I seldom ever just let it all out. So many times while presented with the opportunity to share a bit about what’s really going on in my heart, I chose instead to keep quiet and listen on to the other person. I don’t share the really heavy stuff weighing on my heart unless specifically ask. I think it’s doing the other person a favour, but it seems it’s also doing me a disfavour.

Because while I’m encouraging others to freely open up to me and allow me into their hearts, I present to them an enigmatic maze into mine. And not many people have attempted to enter that maze. Fewer still have successfully navigated through it. I realized that I’m a person easy to get along with, but hard to get to know. And I realized it’s entirely my own doing. I let only certain people know certain things and no one person ever knows too much about the inner workings of my brain… unless they read my blog… then I’m in trouble. I don’t know if I’m just waiting for someone special to dig it all out of me, or am I do I just do this to protect myself. But it’s probably both.

And then there’s this whole lack of physical affection. And I’m not just talking about sex, though that has certainly added to the frustration… It’s more about the physical contact with another fellow human being; to be touched, held or hug in a loving way that is completely non sexual. THAT physical affection. You know, just to get a hug or something like that…. The last hug that I received was lets see ………………….. about 2 months ago. And for the entire year, I’ve been hugged like…. I dunno less tham 10 times? I’m sounding like such a woman (no offense). Grrrrr……………..

Women would call this PMS… but since I neither menstruate nor own a vagina, I can’t really use that excuse. Maybe it’s just a case of Monday blues. I'll see how it goes tomorrow.

On a lighter note... I just closed my first million dollar job for my company last Friday and on Sunday someoone said to me that I was looking good. :-D

Here's a recent photo of me.... I must say I'm in the best shape of my life...

Creativity? Me? Nah...

I was watching this video on TED



And what the speaker was talking about really strikes a chord with me. Especially the part about how some writer / poets / composers receive their inspirations in waves. That they can be in the middle of something totally unrelated, and all this creative inputs just suddenly come flooding in…. and all you can think of doing is grabbing a pen and writing it down before it’s lost forever.

I get that a lot…. Strangely it happens mostly when I’m driving… when I can’t possibly write it down.

The other thing she said was also about people involved in creative output then to be a little… well… a little loose in the head… meaning mentally unstable… and have this tendency to be manic depressive… Ouch..

Someone one said to me that I seem to have tendencies to go between to extremes emotionally..and I think that person had it spot on. I do find myself going back and forth between moments of total enlightenment and complete despair. But then I think to myself… “Wait a minute..she’s talking about people who have CREATIVE OUTPUT…..

I can’t paint, I can’t sketch, I can’t sing, I can’t compose, I can’t draw… I can’t do any of these so called ‘artsy’ stuff…. Heck, I’m a trained engineer thought to think about problems and provide solution in a systematic, logical, effective and sensible manner. Not exactly a melting pot of creativity in my line of work. I’m not creative… AT ALL. Creative people think out of the box…. I’m the guy who actually draws the freaking boxes…

So it’s either I’m actually doing something totally not inline to my natural inclinations… or you are reading the words of one seriosuly seriously misguided engineer... 

Up in the Clouds

Yes, I've been feeling a bit better. Here's partially why:

Breathless, we flung us on a windy hill,

Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.

~Rupert Brooke

That's the Point

So I’m just driving home after dinner at Robertson Quay with my boss. I’m tired. I had just spent the whole day working on a project we were bidding on. The Client’s German….. and boy do those Germans know their engineering. Let me tell you something about the Germans.. they are methodical, thorough, systematic, precise… and they know bloody well how to make a do good engineering… and beer. That’s also why they make the best drunk drivers in the world. :-P

But anyway, that’s not the point.

Robertson Quay is right next to Clark Quay, and together these two spots form what you can consider one of the most lavish and high end (read: expensive) places you can wine and dine in Singapore. It’s filled with Expatriates from all around the world; French, American, German, British, African, Japanese, Spanish, Italian… you name it.. they’re here… EXCEPT the Indian Expat.. those guys usually send all their money back to India and spend their hours eating chapatti in Serangoon road a.k.a. Little India.

But that’s not the point either.

You see… It’s a fancy little place. With fancy cars, fancy restaurants and people dressed in fancy cloths. A simple western meal cost what an average labourer would earn in a week. And this in a nutshell is what Singapore is about. The entire country is driven by money, because other than the fancy high life, the people here don’t really have anything else to aim for… except migrating overseas… which also requires money. When you dine in one of these restaurants, you’re treated like a king. The waiters are friendly and warm. The drinks are served to you with fancy umbrellas and the chef will gladly cook you another meal if you find the food anything less than satisfactory. You can find any kind of gourmet food you want here; Australian grilled steak, Belgian mussels, Italian pasta, Japanese sushi, French wine, Thai curry, German sausages… the best bits of the world are all gathered in this small but posh little area.

On the way home, there is this lorry in front of me. Its rear is filled with 20 labourers whose one week wage I had just consumed in one sitting. Most of them are from India. They sit in the rear of the lorry because ironically, it’s actually legal to transport people in the back of the truck like some sort of commodity or livestock here in modern Singapore. In the ‘backward’ country of Malaysia which many Singaporeans actually sneer at, it’s illegal because it’s actually dangerous for the passengers. If you go to the Construction Site they work at, you will see what they eat. Plain white rice; a mountain full of it, accompanied by a bit of dhall or curry sauce, a packet of diluted yogurt…. And that’s it. That’s all they eat. On weekends, for a night out they each contribute a little bit of money for one guy to have enough to rent the company truck for a day and pump petrol to bring them to town to walk around. They hang around Mustapha shopping centre, looking at the latest mobile phones and gadgets.. not to buy… just to dream.

Maybe it’s because the country is so small.. but it’s not uncommon to see these to sights within the same day. Put together, it’s like this juxtapose on Singaporean society. It’s a land filled with contrast. You come across lorries filled with lowly paid labourers trucked around like some sort of livestock and you come across flashy Ferrari’s and Maserati’s driven by young people just around my age looked upon by others with envy. I know because that’s what happened to me.

I saw a guy driving a stunning silver Maserati… and he look just about my age… and I couldn’t help but stare and wonder to myself if I could ever afford such luxury or earn such money in my life. Then I found myself driving behind one of those worker lorries… and ALL OF THEM were staring at ME. Many of them also looked about my age.. .and driving in my company given Toyota, I wondered if they were thinking the same thing I was when I was looking at the Maserati.

Everyone wonders about their lot in life. Everyone wonders how to move upward in society. Everyone thinks that’s where happiness and fulfilment in life is found…. upwards. And yet, I somehow believe that if you ever share a glass of Bordeaux wine with a man who is at the pinnacle of society, with money in excess, power aplenty and respect abundant, you just might find that he isn’t any happier or miserable than the lowly labourer and his diluted yogurt. Each will always find in his own life, things that trouble him and things that please him, things that he regret, and things he is grateful for.

Life isn’t about money. Happiness isn’t in things. A person’s true struggle in life isn’t about far upwards they move. The true struggle is learning to be content once you get there…. wherever that may be.

And that’s the point.


P/S: I don't know why, but everytime I'm in Singapore all I write about is money. I think it's the city.  A lot of people here love money.... and we all know what the love of money is right? It's evil. :-P

Dreams & Plans

When I was 6, I made my first life plan. I was going to grow up and be a pilot. I knew it the day I first stepped into an airport and watched planes majestically take off and land at the runway. I knew it the moment I saw the smart looking pilots in their uniforms walk out of the cockpit and into the tarmac. I wanted to fly all over the world and see places other people only dreamed about.

Then I became a 12 year old boy putting on his first pair of glasses knowing it meant the end of his plan to be a pilot. But that was okay. I had another plan. The spectacles actually hid my squinty eyes well, and made me look smarter than I really was. So I decided I was going to be a lawyer, or broker, or something like that; Actually, I just wanted to be anything that involved you wearing spectacles, a vest and looking like you know what you’re talking about. For some reason, I was convinced I would make not only an excellent lawyer, but a mind blowing, awesome one at that.

Something about being young and naïve; you often believe you can pretty much do anything your mind can conceive. If asked if you can or cannot do something, the default answer would be ‘yes’. But somehow, as we grow older, that ‘yes’ slowly turns into a ‘maybe’ and eventually into a ‘no’. Ask any pool of kids who can sing and dance and chances are almost all would say yes. Ask the same question to adults, and chances are almost all would say no. Ever noticed that?

But I think after hearing one too many lawyer jokes, my enthusiasm for the court of law wasn’t quite there by the time I was coming out of my teens. By then, I had no idea what I wanted to be anymore. But that was still okay. Because I still had another plan..or something like that. And the plan was basically just to make a lot of many. Not too much..just enough for me do whatever I wanted without ever having to worry about money. Something like a gozillian dollars would be enough. Didn’t matter if I was a pilot, lawyer or New York sidewalk sweeper (which I heard actually earn a lot of money), as long as it was enough.

But the dream of seeing the world never quite left me. When trying to pick a college to go do, I went ahead and did my research on all the international universities anyway, half convincing myself that my family will somehow afford it, and my exam results would be good enough for a scholarship, both of which I of course knew were lies invented to deceive myself.

Top of my list was a small little town Down Under by the name of Adelaide, Australia. I had gone to a local college that had a twinning programme with the University of Adelaide. The course didn’t excite me, but I fell in love the pictures that I saw of the place. By the time I walked out of the place, my mind was already transported thousands of miles away into a charming little western styled village town with nothing but pretty buildings, green grass and blue skies. Oh how I yearned for that fantasy to come true.

Alas, it was not my fate. The realist part of me kind of knew all along where I’d really end up; that well known but not too well regarded community college that both my father and brother attended. It wasn’t that bad… but the college had gone way past its former glory days of being a pioneer in tertiary education in the country, and frankly had the reputation of being cheap(er) more than anything else. Don’t ask me how or why, but I somehow ended up picking an engineering course because I thought it was ‘cool’. Someone should have given me a smack in the head back then. Anyway…. bizarrely, I actually got accepted.

By then, I had run out of dreams. If there was any left, it was just to graduate and get a decent job. The magic was all gone. The belief that you can do anything you want to was all gone. I was neither going to end up in the occupation of my childhood dreams, and I was not going to earn a gozillian dollars before 30 like that Yahoo! dude Jerry Yang….

I still believed in the virtues of hard work, industriousness and fulfilling the potentials we were born with, but I guess I finally gave up trying to believe that I was anything extraordinary. In fact, I was as ordinary as the person next to me in the community college. And I think that notion has stuck with me ever since; that I am ordinary; that I am nothing spectacular; that I’m not anymore ‘special’ than the person before or after me. Perhaps it has been a self-defeating belief for me, but I stopped buying into all the hyped up talk generated by the self-help motivational book industry that each and every one of us has limitless potential, that all of us can be great, that all of us can be successful in life and that it’s as simple as mind over matter. Because I already believed all that when I was a kid, long before I even knew what a self-help book was, and it didn’t work.

Here’s what I started believing instead. That it is our God given duty to live our life the best we can; to do what we can, with what we have, to the best of our abilities. Then after all that is done, regardless of how far or near it takes you, to learn to be contented with your lot in life. Then, to learn to see as they truly are. That people matter more than things. That success is as treacherous as failure. That relationships matter more than achievements.That bonds are better than networks. That money is many things, but it’s not everything. That true happiness is found not in objects, but in people. That if we do not have love in our life, we have nothing.

Those are the kind of things I eventually ended up believing in. Things that I suppose even my six year old self knew all along yet somehow forgot when growing up.

Today, I still can’t say I’m a man with a plan. But at least, I have a dream again. And I dream that one I will be able to look back on my life and say ‘Things did not turn out the way I hope them to, I made more mistakes than I possibly could have imagined, I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t always know if what I was doing was right, but that’s OK. Because through sweat and tears, joy and laughter, mistakes and mishaps, victories and triumphs, I have lived life to its fullest and to the best I possibly could. I have lived all the days of my life, and there is no other way I would have done it.'

Will that day ever come? I dunnoo. But that's why it's called a dream right?

Grieving

To you dear friend who is in grief, and to anyone out there who has ever lost someone dear to them.

Someone out there is crying. Someone out there is grieving. Someone out there is asking themselves how to go on; how to know when to let go; how to know when it’s too soon.

I dare not say I know how it feels like because I don’t. I dare not give any advice because I don’t really know the answer.

All I know is that it’s painful. All I know is that it’s hard; to have someone all your life and then to lose them; to love someone so much, then to be separated from them; to wish with all your heart to have more time, then to have that time robbed from you.

Even though we all know death is a part of life, it still doesn’t make it any easier to take. Losing someone dear to us is perhaps the most painful thing anyone can experience. Trying to get over it is probably the hardest things our hearts are called to do. It’s called grieving.

Grieving is our heart trying to come to terms with reality. Grieving is us trying to consolidate what our minds already know with what our hearts are still not willing to accept is gone. When we grieve, it’s more than just feeling sad. You feel empty. You feel a void in your heart. Something’s missing. And the bigger the loss, the bigger hole that is left in your heart.

People try to tell you not to be sad. They mean well, but they don’t quite understand. At some level, you just know you need to be experiencing this sadness. You need to be feeling this way. The pain of your loss must be expressed, not just for your own sake, but also for the sake of the one you’ve lost. For all the wonderful things that they were to you, for all the great things that they were, it is only right that you grieve fully and unreservedly for and in honour them.

But how long? How long do we continue in this state? When is it too soon? When is it too long? I wish I knew how to answer that. But the answer lies within our own hearts. You and you alone will know when to come out of mourning. You and you alone will know if it has been too short or too long. Know that every second of the day, your heart is healing. Such is the resilience of our heart. But the heart heals at its own pace. All you have to do is be mindful of it.

But remember those who love you; the ones that are gone as well as the ones still around. Everyone who has ever loved us want only what’s good for us. As long as the grieving is good for our healing, than grieve we must. But when it starts to destroy you and consume you from within, then you know it is time to stop. Then you know it is time to stop the mourning and start the living. Even the one you grieve for will not have you consumed by grieve. No. They would have us live well. They would have us tackle life with all the best of them they managed to instill in us. We often become a living testimony of the kind of love we received from others. Yes, our lives are a testimony. And our testimony speaks loudest of the people responsible for making us who we are today.

In that sense, we honour those who love us when we live our lives well... So live well my friend, in honour of them.

Life goes on, and so must you. Death is not the end.

Romance & Disillusionment

I remember attending this counselling course to helping people in their preparations for their wedding. It was hosted by an elderly couple married for about 40 years now.

One of the things they said was about how practically all relationships go through periodical cycles of romance and disillusionment with one another.

There will be times when we believe we have found ourselves the most wonderful of persons ever in this world. We wonder how we will ever do without them. We count our lucky stars for having met this most awesome and wonderful person in our lives. This is called the periods of romance. When the mushy feelings of love and care just seem to intertwine seamlessly into our lives and everything is just fine and dandy.

Then there are the times when we find ourselves completely disillusioned with the other person. If romance is when everything the other person does is just oh-so-sweet-and-awesome and things just feel right, then disillusionment is the opposite. You wonder how on earth you ended up here and everything about the relationship just feels wrong. Doubts creep in. You feel like perhaps you ought to be with someone else or with no one at all. You wonder how far this relationship can go, how happy you really are, if this is what you really want.

I think it’s a very important that people come to realize this about relationships. That there will be times of romance and times of disillusionment – but both of which are necessary for its survival. If you’re constantly in a state of disillusionment and the romance is all missing… it may mean that something is wrong in the way you have loved one another… or you don’t love each other at all. On the other hand, if you’re perpetually in a state of romance and there hasn’t been any disillusionment before, maybe you haven’t given enough thought to your relationship. No two people in a genuinely close relationship can avoid stepping on one another’s toes. It’s just bound to happen. Are some conflicts being swept under the rug? Is the relationship lacking the required depth?

We always think of the defining moments in our relationships as the ones that were awesome and wonderful; the proposals, the candle lit dinners; the romantic moments; the heart-warming words. But actually, it’s truly defining ones are the ones that happen when things aren’t wonderful, when things aren’t okay; big fights; sarcastic remarks; insensitive words; selfish actions; times when you do not feel even remotely in love in any way with that person. It’s the things you do and how you react at these times that really matter the most. It's easy to be loving and kind when you're so 'in love', but it's hard to still act in a loving way when you don't feel quite so 'in love'. In other words, it’s how you behave during the periods of disillusionment rather than the periods of romance that defines the relationship and ultimately decide where it will lead to.

Our first instinct when trying to establish a relationship with someone is by putting our best foot forward. We don’t start revealing all our bad habits, we don’t start talking throwing tempers, and we certainly don’t start farting out loud… not yet anyway. To deliberate go out and show all our flaws just screws up all your chances of a good impression. We are careful to present only the best bits about ourselves.  And yet, for any relationship to be meaningful & long lasting – flaws will and have to be revealed……all over time.

But as consolation, it is also true that when you see a person at their worst, you will also see them at their best. It comes hand in hand. You just need to have to see it with the right eyes.

I like to think that when people talk about ‘beauty being in the eye of the beholder’, they aren’t just talking subjectively about how you might find this beautiful, and I may not vice versa. But rather, it’s our ability to see all that is good and all that is right in a person or relationship in the midst of all its flaws and imperfections.

Beauty is found not the absence of flaws.. but in spite of it. And in that sense… every relationship has the potential of being beautiful.

And by this, I'm not just talking about romantic relationships.. but ALL relationships.

Sick.. :-(

I'm sick. Damn. Been sleeping practically the whole day. I sent my boss a message telling him I'm cancelling my trip to Singapore and that I'm going on MC. He told me to get lots of rest.... or drink lots of beer. The guy can be real funny sometimes.

I went to the clinic to get some medicine and the records show that the last time I was there was 28th July 2009. That was last year. One day before my birthday actually. I remembered that. Seems I have a habit of falling around this time.

I hate the way I fall sick. It's seldom the kind where I'm so weak I can't get out of bed, but it's also not the kind where I can function without actually making an effort. It's medical limbo I tell you. The good thing is, I pride myself for generally being in good health. I hardly fall sick more than once a year. This would be my first (and hopefully last) sick day.

There's also this guilt conscience thing going on with me. Everything I ask the doctor for an MC, I start feeling guilty... as if I'm playing truant from work. This happens even though I'm fully aware that a. I AM sick... and b. This only happens like.... once a year. I don't know why I'm like that. Is it some sort of sense of duty? Of leaving your post when it's your responsiblity? Something like that I guess.......

I think I'm one of those guys that if there was a woman around, I'd totally start playing the pity card and get her to care for me. I can't pull off the big eyed puppy face (cuz my eyes are so small), but I do pull of a pretty decent 'Look-at-ne-I'm-so-sick-I-so-need-you-now' tone. Which usualy works because it's in their natural instinct for women to nurture & care for other people... especially if it's for big bruly egoistic men who under normal circumstance would never admit their weakness. I also think my body and mind have this conspiracy going on... to not fall sick during the times that are critical but only when things are less busy and it's ok to be missing for a few days... preferably on public holidays and weekends when no medical leave is required.

My back is hurting (for having slept all day), my eyes feel like their going to burst out, my nose is running like a tap, and I'm pretty much flying through this post writing whatever comes to my mind without so much as a filter. And at the top of my mind are these totally random stuff:

1. I think the thermometer that was put in my mouth wasn't washed.
2. Blogger has a 'stats' page now.
3. It's bloody hard to find good popiah (springroll) these days.
4. How do you define a burger from a Sandwich?
5.If you can't have your cake and eat it, why don't you just buy two?

It's totally weird that 3 out of 5 of these thoughts involve food, because frankly, my taste buds are gone and my appetite is missing.

I also think that there might be an oxygen deficiency in my brain, resulting in this most random, unstructured, disjointed post... which I guess is a sign that I should stop now and go back to sleep.

So good night worlds....... wordl.... wrodl....W.O.R.L.D....

A Drama Called Life

Do you ever feel like our lives are often lived on either end of two extremes and seldom in between?

Some days, everything in life seems to flow your way. Things drop on your lap out of nowhere without you ever having to ask for it. Everything you think you want to happen just happens.  Like finding parking right next to the lift in Midvalley on a Sunday afternoon. Like going through nothing but green lights when you’re late for work; like planning a perfect day out and for it to turn out exactly the way it planned or better. Days that feel like what Paulo Coelho says in his books – that the universe will conspire to help you achieve your destiny. As if some giant wave is motion and it’s you riding on top it. You’re unstoppable.

Then, other days everything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong, and will all go wrong all at once. It’s called Murphy’s law a.k.a Shit Happens. You get a punctured tyre in the middle of a lonely highway on a rainy day, your phone battery is dead, your spare tyre is also flat, you don’t have any money and all you’re trying to do is get home in time for dinner.  It’s as if the universe is taunting you, challenging you to see how far you’re willing to go, how much you really want it, daring you to just admit defeat.

Ever had days like that?

When you’ve experienced life on both ends of the extremes often enough, we all eventually start getting this feeling that life is a lot like this thousand episode Korean Drama that just seems to have some crazy thing going on every episode. This week your long lost third brother from another mother shows up at your doorstep with a baby in his hand. Next week, your long-time girlfriend leaves you for some Pakistani Shah Rukh Khan look alike. This time, you find yourself smack in the middle of a tussle in office with someone trying to politically assassinate you, next time you find yourself falling absolutely head over heels in love with the woman of your dreams but she’s married to your sworn enemy. OK, maybe not quite THAT dramatic but still……….. I do believe that at some point or another, we do feel like our lives are so filled with drama that someone should seriously write a book out of it or some sort of feature film. And in many aspects, that thought is not unjustified. Life IS stranger than fiction. Art imitates life, NOT the other way round.

But for all the ‘drama-rama’ that seems to make life what it is, there are also plenty moments in life that are more of an anti-climax.

Think about the last time you ever saw someone special to you, or when you were leaving from somewhere….was there some super lengthy meaningful farewell at the airport? Was there some dramatic confession the night before? Was there some floodgate of emotions bursting forward? Someone gave an inspiring speech? Did someone chase after you waiving farewell with tears in their eyes as the train you’re on starts to depart?  Chances are, there weren’t any right? For all the high drama that goes on one end, many other defining moments in our lives happen in not so glamorous ways. The last day of your student life, the last time someone broke your heart, the last time you said goodbye, the moment you figure out what to do with your life, the moment a life changing revelation came to you. In short - the last time a chapter in your life came to a close and a new one began….. They happen in such low key and unspectacular ways that you end up asking yourself “Was that it….? Is this how it all ends…..?  Just like that….? I thought there’d be…..…. MORE.”

And that’s the funny part about life sometimes, the dramatic parts happen at the least expected of moments and the moments that you think is going to be super dramatic just turn out to be so uneventful. You never know when drama’s going to hit you and when you’re just required to just grit your teeth, shut the hell up and get on with life without making such hoo-ha.

Maybe that’s why it’s is so unpredictable sometimes. And by unpredictable I really mean challenging. And by challenging I really mean interesting. And by interesting I really mean remarkable.

Because in this end, despite it all, that’s what life is to me – remarkable.

We All End Up in Diapers

Slowly the boy picked up the cone from one side and placed it on the other. There were 2 dozen cones. He was only on his forth but it already felt like eternity to me. Across, an old man lifts simple plastic rings from one end to another in a secular motion. It was a real simple motion, but he seemed to be genuinely struggle with it. To the other side, a man in a wheelchair had his arms and shoulders supported by scary looking brackets, wires and knots. All he was doing was swinging his arms left to right. And every time he managed to do so, the therapist around him would praise him. And everywhere else in the physiotherapy clinic I was in, there was some other person like this.

Funny how it almost never crosses our minds our fortunate we are sometimes in simply being able to do the basic things in life like brushing our teeth, bathing, making a meal, walking to the store, rolling around in bed without the aid of others. We take it for granted that just because we have always been able to do so, we will continue to do so in the future. And a lot of our self-worth is actually derived from our ability to do things on our own without the aid of another person. I can’t begin to imagine how it would feel like if we are robbed of even that basic ability… which is not so much a matter of if, but when.

There is this quote from the movie ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’. In it, one lover grows older while the other bizarrely grows younger – but in either case,

We all end up in diapers.

Perhaps it’s something we should all think about.