Sing & Dance

I'm such a sucker for MTV's like this. Simple, original, light hearted and fun driven...

I think it's safe to say that singing and dancing is one of the most timeless form of human entertainment. We've been doing it for centuries... and we will still be doing it for centuries to come regardless of how technology evolves.

Something about watching fellow human beings move in sync, in rhythm to a catchy tune that never ceases to make people smile and laugh.

Or maybe it's just the monkey heads.

7 Days

7 days ago, I was caught completely off guard with the news that I was about to become a father.

I confess, I was more terrified than happy.

Having a baby wasn't part of the immediate plan, and I felt far from ready for it. I couldn't rest the next few days thinking about it.

"What am I going to do? How am I going to manage? What does all this mean? A BABY.....?"

Life thus far for the past 6 months had been so challenging as it is. The year thus far had been marked by constant struggles.... having a baby on the way made that infinitely harder.

I spent the next few days thinking about little else. I accepted that whether I liked it or not, comfortable or not, this was going to happen. This was one of those classic curve ball God likes throwing at people. So I might as well embrace it and make the best of it.

It still felt so unreal to me. But we started talking about what to do; how do we announce? Who do we see? Which hospital do we go. How much does it even cost to have a baby?

But somehow... somehow... I started warming up to the reality of it all. I didn't know how to handle this, but perhaps that was OK... perhaps I could still do it anyway. I closed my eyes and tried visualizing myself holding a little baby.. and for once, one that wasn't just cute or cuddly... but one that was my own flesh and blood.

My heart did a somersault.  I could feel a seed of happiness and acceptance being planted in my heart. Yes. Perhaps I can do it after all...We made plans for the announcement. We called our immediate family from both sides for a dinner on Sunday night. We would share the good news with them over dinner.. I'm sure they would have loved it. Heck, even I started to seriously warm up to the idea.... (not of changing diapers and all, but of at least having a little mini me..or mini her..around)

But the good news never lasted.

Because 2 days before we were due to announce it, she sent me a desperate message.

"Darling, I'm scared. I'm bleeding. Stomach pain... I'm really scared. Please pray that the baby will be OK."

This time, my heart felt more like it had just jumped off a cliff. I was driving home from Singapore... and it was at least 3 hours before I could arrive. We were not sure what was going on. We hadn't even had time to see a doctor yet and now this. From what little we knew, a little bit of bleeding wasn't entirely uncommon.. but it was an alarming sign nonetheless.

I had barely gotten used to the idea of welcomig a baby... and suddenly I had to deal with the prospect of loosing one. God and his curveballs.....

That night... and nights following that, tears fllowed freely... tears of confusion, of despair, of helplessness...


The pregnancy did not last.. and the baby did not survive.

She woke me up in the middle of the night.... and I asked what was wrong.. She said nothing and just stared at me with more tears dropping down her cheeks. I held her in my arms... and she started sobbing non stop. I would have cried too...the whole thing was just too much for me to absorb in such a short time...my heart was aching in a way I had never knew before.... but the tears refused to come out.

Sunday morning I went to church... and in the midst of all the songs and the sermon... I prayed desperately to God for some sort of guidance. All things happen for good, all things happen under the sight of God.. But why was this happening? What possible sense could I make of this 7 days of brought me from fear to acceptance, to hope, to happiness, then to shock, to anxiety then finally to despair?

I'm back to exactly where I was 7 days ago... yet I cannot act like I have gone nowhere and expereince no loss... the expereince of receiving something then loosing it isn't the same as never receiving it. One is a pain of grieving, and the other is the pain of longing. I felt completely isolated from the world... completely alone in my experience. There was no one I had confided in.... simply because it happened so fast...

And the world around me was simply to busy, or caught up with its own sufferings to have an ear...

A best friend was in the midst of a nasty breakup and looked to me for guidance and advise. Business was not going well and called for my attention. Work was no better with, with my boss breathing down my neck constantly requiring me to travel...  A (former) friend called me a cheat, liar and two faced swindler... and for the first time in my life, decided to completely burn bridges... not because I was bitter, but because I knew I wanted nothing to do with people who had malicious hearts.

Sigh.....

I'm tired Lord. Tired of so much struggle. I ask not for an easily, carefree life... only a life with meaning and purpose. So help me find meaning and purpose in all of this.

Concerts & Such

A few weeks ago, there was a massive jam in KL... and it was all because of this boy.

That's right. Justin Bieber was in town for a concert on a Thursday night... and half of the families in the Klang valley seemed to be attending at Stadium Merdeka. That's what the 'young' people are into these days. The other half seemed to be stuck trying to run AWAY from Stadium Merdeka.

I would have nothing to do with that Bieber-fever of course. But 3 days later... we did go watch these old dudes instead.

That's right. On the same week everyone was watching the very 'in' Bieber, I was more geared up watching the 'outdated' Michael Learns to Rock at KLCC.

I think only people my age (26) and above would have any relation (or memory) of MLTR. I mean.... they became famours a long long time ago.. in the 90's.... and particularly in Asia only... and particularly with ME only. It was the first audio album I had ever bought in my life.. and remains one of those 'best thing I ever did' moments in my life. I listened to that cassette for months on end...

How was the concert? Well... if the Bieber concert was like a electrifying showcase of fresh, young talent, then the MLTR was very much the long awaited and anticipated reunion of all friends. EVERYONE in the crowd know almost every song by heart... a lot of us grew up listening to their songs.. and a lot of their songs remain very much evergreen (IMHO)

It kinda made me ponder a bit. It has been 10 years since I bothered listening to a MLTR song. And yet when they started singing, it all came back to me so naturally. They say some things never leave you.. they just get stored away.

10 years ago, I remember MLTR themselves playing at Stadium Merdeka, playing to a sell out crowd, causing traffic jams. I couldn't afford to attend then, but on that day, I was able to.... like some long forgotten dream suddenly realized....It occured to me that I was no longer one of the 'in' or 'young' crowd... but I also realized.. I didn't really mind at all. :-)

Anyway, I don't really have a point to make here..I just promised myself I woud write SOMETHING.. even if it's done in a hurry (like now). I will share this particular song that used to be my official 'emo' song. It was the song I sang to myself when my first major crush went for another guy... I think I've always been secretly melodramatic that way... :-P

Help From Above

 I cry to you, O LORD; I say, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me. Psalms 142: 5-7

If the things I do are right, then vindicate me O God in the eyes of those who deem me evil.

If the things I do are wrong, the open my eyes O God, for me to know the error of my ways.

Teach me O God, to seek your heart.

Teach me O God, to listen when you speak.

Teach me O God, to love like you do. 

Give me strength O God, to flee from temptation.

Give me courage O God, to do the things I must

Give me wisdom O God, to discern holiness

Give me humility O God, to conquer my pride

Help me O God.

I have no where else to go,

I have no one else to turn to.

Help me.

To Lend or Not To Lend

To lend or not to lend? That is the question.

Sex And Money.

Perhaps our two biggest driving forces in life. Coincidentally also the two least openly discussed topics among people.

I’m not in a mood to talk about sex today, because the other one is more on my mind.

It’s on my mind because my need for it has grown exponentially over a very short time. It’s on my mind because I’ve been running short of it recently. It’s on my mind because others have been running short of it, and have been asking me for it.

I received distressing news last night about a couple we know quite well. Apparently they are short on money (due to some reasons I will not bother to write) and need very urgent assistance, preferable within the next 2 days.

“How? What do we do? Can we loan them the money?” my other half asked me just as I was about to fall asleep.

I kept silent. Truth be told, I didn’t know what to do.

So many thoughts ran through my head. I was exhausted and had a 4 hour drive to make 5am in the morning I refused to answer.

The next day, in the middle of my work day she text me.

“They want an answer desperately. Tell me what should I do or say?”

I thought hard about it again. I replied.

“Please explain that we are hard pressed too. We’re making a down payment on the house, we’ve got 4 mouths to feed, house expenses and bills, a business to run, many debts owed to us from others and ZERO savings… how much can we help?..... BUT… by God’s grace, we WILL help whatever way we can k. We’ll discuss how much we can give tonight.”

And that was that.

We’ve financially helped 4 to 5 other people within the last one year.

My own brother did not have enough money for a down payment on his car. His old car was falling apart and he needed to change. We lend him the money out of love. He hasn’t been able to repay us yet. Another friend of a friend apparently was next to being evicted by their landlord and needed cash quick. We trusted our friend and loaned the money. After many false promises, the money is nowhere in sight. Three other people owe us money for different reasons, but the point is, we haven’t received our money.

And here there came another person asking for help.

The couple that needed the money were easily twice our age. But they were not doing very well financially, to the point of almost being declared bankrupt. But they were good people. They were the Godparents of my other half’s younger brother. Ten years ago, when it was him that needed help, this couple was there to help. They gave him shelter, they gave him love. Today the tables have changed, and I felt it was only right to help them. How could we NOT help?

Yet, how do we help when even on our own, we are just getting by?

Rent to pay, bills to pay, car to maintain, a new house mortgage, and four jobless people I am single handed-ly supporting. As good as my pay is, it’s still not enough. And as icing to the cake, people are asking for our help with money.

What am I, a bank?

Sigh.

My first instincts are to say “Sorry, can’t help you.” It’d be SO easy to say that. And no one could ever blame us for saying it.

Yet….. yet…..

I know in my heart that I could never turn down a person who was genuinely in need. Because once upon a time, I was a person genuinely in need. And in those times, I was selflessly helped by other people. That debt weights heavily on me. Not just towards the people, but to God almighty himself. It’s hard to ignore grace when you’ve been such a big beneficiary of it. And because of that, even if it means being stupid, being foolish or being naïve, I know we will eventually help them.

Will we suffer? Will it hurt us financially by helping them? Probably.

Will we be duly repaid the money or the deed, I honestly don’t know. I hope so.

Doing this – lending money again – sounds noble and you may think I’m trying to earn ‘brownie points’ for being a good guy. Trust me, I’m not. In fact, I feel really really stupid for agreeing to it.

But I know it’s the RIGHT thing to do,

Because it’s the LOVING thing to do.

Matthew 25:45


Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’.

Finding Ways Or Excuses

In life, there will be people who succeed, and there will be people who fail.

The people who fail always think the ones that succeed do so because they were better, smarter, or simply, luckier.

But that’s not true.

The only real difference between them is this;

One learned to find excuses.

The other learned to find a way.

Singapore Votes

I’ve always found Singapore and Singaporeans an interesting bunch to observe. Mainly because the country is darn efficient, the government so darn ‘corporate like’, the country so darn organized, the whole place just feels rather... creepy... in a  sterile sort of way.

I’ve always been interested to know how this affects the mentality of the people who live (or make a living ) there. Just a few weeks ago, I read this story about how a woman got killed over an argument over a pair of chopsticks. I guess the stress really gets to people there.


But for the last 2 weeks or so, something else has been brewing in the hearts and minds of Singaporeans. And it all boils down to one word – Election.

I’ve spoken to a lot of Singaporeans over the past few years. A typical Singaporean would be intelligent, hardworking and well exposed to the world, but also frustrated, tired and also resigned to obeying all the numerous laws, regulations and rules imposed by every arm of the Government (and just like the Indian God Kali.. the Government has MANY arms)..

Elections have also been something of a joke here, mainly because there simply has been no need for it. Since independence, the ruling party has won no less than 95% of the seats in every election. Supposedly because the Opposition just aren’t qualified enough to run the country just yet. An interesting thing about Singapore politics is this – academic / corporate pedigree seems to be a big thing. Candidates touted for elections are often highly qualified people, with Ivy league degrees or high flying corporate positions. Mr Lee Kuan Yew and his son are both double degree holders from Cambridge University. To counter that, the opposition have recruited a guy with a TRIPLE degree, all from Ivy League universities.

Back in Malaysia, I don’t think we even know what our Prime Minister studied in university… or if he even went to university.

Elections really are the talk of the town this week. Even the radio gives instructions on how to vote.

And although everyone generally knows that there is a 99.9% chance the ruling party will retain government easily… I think Singaporeans are excited because for the first time in a generation, there is actually an alternative they can vote for. Whether or not they actually do so is a different matter. But suddenly having an option to choose has given the people here a sense of empowerment. What more when voting is actually compulsory here. You can see it in their eyes when they talk about it. There is a spark in their eyes.

Happy Voting Singapore.