Words Unsaid

“Music and silence combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music.” - Marcel Marceau

For all the things I wrote but never posted,

For all the words I said but never allowed you to hear,

All I really wanted you to know is

I still care.

I always have

and I always will.

Even if you don't know it.

I've been living in a strange place....

I've been living in a strange place of late.

Where I live,

there is no sight.

There is no smell.

There is only sound.

and soul.

To get there to where I live;

close your eyes,

quiet your mind,

and listen.

Hear the piano gently playing;

hear the guitar smoothly leading in;

hear the sultry voice sing every line, every word.

Sit yourself right next to that voice.

Imagine you are right there.

For a few minutes,

forget your worries,

forget your troubles;

just listen.

Don't think... don't worry.

Just feel.

Feel the passion,

feel the heartbreak,

feel the euphoria,

feel the pain.

Feel the music,

feel it's soul.

Like how every human has a heart,

every song has it's soul.

This is where I have been living.

This is where I have been seeking my solace.

Not in people,

not in things,

In music.

Everyone needs time to themselves.....

I've been thinking a lot lately about my need for time to myself...

I'm the kind of person that seems to constantly need time to myself. Every now and then, I find myself longing to be alone, by myself rather than have someone by my side. I don't think I'm a loner... or maybe I am little, but have you ever found yourself in situations where you had a choice of going at it alone, or with someone and find that you rather do it alone most of the time? No? Or maybe somethings wrong with me.

For instance, sometimes when I have to make the long 3 hour drive down to Singapore, I'd rather to it alone, than to sit with a colleague with me. I can go when I want, stop when I want, listen to what I want, as loud as I want, and not need to force myself to create conversation for the sake of it. After a hard days works, I sometimes would rather just be alone in the room, by myself, doing whatever it is I feel like doing, which most if the time.. is actually nothing. LOL. Yes, I like doing nothing sometimes...

Then there's also the kind of hobbies I seem to have taken up.I like reading; that's done alone. I like swimming; that's done alone too. And I like writing; alone again. Why are things that I have so naturally taken up be things that are done strictly by myself? Somehow, I don't think it's a coincidence. When I read, I'm totally immersed and lost in whatever world and thought the author brings. When I swim, I hear nothing but my own breath, the beating of my own heart, and sensation of my body cutting through the water. I feel free, at peace and calm.When I write, I find focus... focus on my thoughts. It sometimes takes me hours just to write a single paragraph, but often times, it's not the end result that helps me. It's the thought process. As the words come out, I struggle in trying to make what is written truly reflect what's inside. Write and rewrite, and then you realize that you can't write about what you don't know, and that's when the journey of discovery often starts for me. Vague ideas become crystal, fuzzy feelings become clear, and many a times, hesitations and doubts transform into deep rooted conviction.


But time to myself doesn't only mean I want to be alone all the time. Many times, I sit alone in my room and look the the four walls, and wonder why I'm sitting alone and everyone else seems to have company. Wanting to be alone is often a cry for some time to one's self. But wanting time to one's self doesn't necessarily mean wanting to be alone. Time to myself at it's most basic level means I am free to do whatever I want, without having to ask anyone, or tell anyone or answer to anyone. And sometimes, I just want to meet the people I want to meet, and share thing things I have to share, no interruptions. I consider that time to myself too.

There are times when I'm with certain people, people like my mother, or my fiancee, or a close friend, and I intentionally don't pick up the phone when someone calls. Not for anyone, even when it's a call from another important person. (Unless it seems to be an emergency). I usually call them back later. When I say I want to spend time with that person, I try to ignore everything else, ESPECIALLY the phone. In this day and age, we never seem to think about when it's important to answer a call, and when to ignore it. The phone always gets answered by default. Don't people know that it is as much for yourself as it is for the person that you are talking to that you don't be interrupted by phone calls? Give your full focus on the person before you. They deserve it more than the one on the line. There's always voice mail, or text message, or they could always call LATER.

There are some people, whom I feel like meeting, just because I feel like seeing them. These are people for one reason or another, I long to establish connection with. These people belong in a special category. Most other people, I only meet on occasions i.e. gatherings, activities, outings, movie.. etc. But when I'm having time to myself, I sometimes yearn to meet up with people in this special category. No movies, no occasions, no reason. The meet IS the reason. And although I'm not alone, meeting up and establishing closeness with these people gives ME a sense of fulfillment, contentment and meaning to my life. That my life also involves other significant people. It's like I draw a circle to establish a boundary that defines who I am, and I find that as small a circle it is, I want to include them in that circle too. They matter to me, and I want them included in my life. The thing I fear the most is often that they might not have drawn me in THEIR circle. But I think I've already written about that earlier.

It took the person I'm with almost 7 years to figure this out about me. She used to think I was behaving secretively and suspiciously. But really, all I was doing was asking for some space and time. I never explained it to her, because quite frankly, I didn't quite understand this about myself either. Until one day, all stressed out and tired, she looked at me and said "I think you need some time to yourself. You haven't had that in a while.". I stared at her in amazement. Because it was coming from her; the person that I often felt was the one taking up all my free time, leaving me no time to myself. She had figured me out all on her own and she was right.


I smiled because I was glad I didn't have to try defending myself or explaining myself on why sometimes, I just need time away, even from her. I was glad she understood...

Everyone needs time to themselves.....

Silence Kills

The interesting thing about silence is this; everyone agrees that it speaks more than words. Ironic really, since the definition of silence itself is properly to NOT speak.

Silence can be incredibly awkward.. like when you just met someone.. and you don't quite know how to keep the conversation flowing. Two people unsure what to say, or how to behave around each other, and they invariable end up just not saying anything.. thus the akward silence. I'm sure we've all been there. It can also be when it's a awkward situation, like when caught with you pants down (literally and metaphorically) or in a less than usual situation.. there is a silence there, because nobody really knows how to behave... and we all just try to shuffle along and pretend like nothing happened. The silence just emphasizes how uncomfortable we are with each other.

But silence can also be comfortable in a way. When two good friends or lovers just sit around the coffee table, sipping coffee, not saying a word. It's OK to be silent, and though it may seem like there is no interaction between the two, they probably are in fact just enjoy each others company. The silence just emphasizes how comfortable and content you are with each other. Like lovers walking by the beach during sunset, hand in hand... listening to the evening breeze and watching the sun go down.. Trying to hard to create conversation my just ruin the whole moment.. anything that needed to be said, is said there, through your skin.. touching one another, holding hands. You can even be on the phone with each other, and not say a word.. it sounds funny.. but this time.. it emphasizes just how comfortable you are with each other.

Silence can be killing... and just downright agonizing.. An email unreplied, a call unreturned, a text message, completely ignored. Have you ever felt that way? Wondering why this person has not returned you call or emails? First you tell yourself to be as fair as possible. Give the person all the time they need.

Maybe they are busy, maybe they can't find the right moment or opportunity to reply to you, and still....................no reply.

Then your insecurities start playing at you; maybe I said something wrong? Did I offend him / her in some way? Maybe I said some things I shouldn't have said? We think the worst when we are left to our own devices. When it's a persons silence we are dealing with.. we really really imagine the worst. Our insecurities just play out.. and it is at that moment that we often realize just how vulnerable we are.. how we as human beings really are so dependent on others for our sense of self. It's a scary realization.

We start doubting ourselves, and our self worth. Maybe he /she isn't that into me after all.. Maybe she didn't really mean the things she said. Maybe she was just having her fun and saying things to me to lead me on, giving me false hope. Maybe its my own stupidity to think the they were sincere towards me? Was I imagining things that were not there?

Then comes the sense of betrayal, and anger. You feel like you've been taken for a ride.. Like you've been played like a fiddle. Was this person EVER sincere? Is certainly looks like they were not. Why else would she blow me off like that? I though we had a good thing going on. I though we had good momentum, why the abrupt stop?

You feel like you've been running in the dark, trying to chase after your friend.. She / He's leading you on with their voices, prodding you, asking you to come forward, move faster, move closer.... and suddenly you hit a brick wall....and then...... nothing..... silence....... not a word.. no "hello, sorry im busy".. no "I'm damn pissed at you".. no "I hate you, don't want to ever see you again", no "Ive been playing with you all this while"..... nothing.......

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Just silence

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And you don't know if you should feel cheated or angry or stood up. You don't know if its a genuine mistake, if the person is genuinely unavailable, or if they just consciously ignore you. If they are ignoring you purposefully.. WHY? WHY? What did I do wrong? If nothing, what happened to you? What happened in between? Why aren't we talking anymore?

The silence kills.. The unknown just eats at your heart and your mind..

Your mind gets consumed by those unanswered questions. It leaves you confused, hurt and angry all at the same time. You have only questions, with no answers. You have only doubts, uncertainty and fears. Nothing kills your hopes and spirits faster than this deafening silence.

Silence..........it kills.