Hopeful Doubter

Someone called me a cynic once. OK, maybe more than once...

I do feel tempted to refute this claim sometimes because it implies that I'm essentially a negative person. Am I a negative person? I certainly like to think not. But I find it hard to ignore when people do say such things to me. Is that really the kind of impression I project to people? Of a cynic?

What's a cynic anyway? Someone who refuses to believe in things so simply? Someone who does not accept things at face value so easily? Someone who always ponders and doubts? If so, then YES, I'm a cynic - through and through. I do doubt a lot. I am inclined not to accept things just at face value. I do take a lot of convincing before I believe in something. But that's because once I do, I usually stick to it. That doesn't make me negative does it? I thought that's what they call pessimists.

I think there is a key difference between a cynic and a pessimist. Both are doubters. But one quietly keeps hope, while the other forsakes it.

So many mornings, I wake up preparing myself and firmly believing that certain things will not happen, certain people will not change, certain events will never come true. It's not everyday that you can live as if the whole universe will conspire to help you meet your destiny. Reality feels far less romantic than the ones you read in books. But secretly, I keep hope. Maybe today, a miracle will happen. maybe something special will come my way. Sometimes, they come in the form of an event. But more subtly in the form of someone. Something or someone that suddenly gives you renewed hope in love, life or just people in general. I do hope for that most mornings. That's what a cynic does I guess - plan for the worst, hope for the best.



Once upon a time, I embraced every word people whispered into my ear. Sweet sounding words that had so much promise and potential. I never take what people said to me lightly. It's important to me. And I cling on to them dearly, sometimes remembering them long after the speaker said it. But I realized not everyone put as much weight on their words as I thought. Some just said the things you want to hear, some were just careless, and some just naive. People don't always say what they mean. And they don't always mean what they say. I learned that the hard way. Sometimes, they think they mean it - but I know they'll change their minds about what they said later. Circumstances change, feelings change, relationships change. Very quickly, words once said with so much heart & passion are disregarded.

These days, I'd rather not hear sweet words from anyone at all. And I've made it a conscious effort not to say too much too soon to anyone, however natural, however true they feel at the time. Enough hearts have been broken over words carelessly spoken. I don't want anymore on my account. Hurts too much.

If I really am a cynic, then this is yet another thing now added onto my list of cynical beliefs. I've lost a lot faith in the spoken word - especially those spoken by people whose lips move too soon & heart change too quick. More often then not, I find it hard to believe that they mean what they say. 90% of me really doubts. But 10% hopes... and strangely, in the realm of the heart, 10% of hope still aces 90% of doubt. That's how you end up giving people the benefit of the doubt. You know 9 of 10 will break your heart. But you're actually looking for the 10th guy.

Cynic you say? More like hopeful doubter.

of Puzzles & Love

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"Good morning beautiful. 8 long years filled with good times and bad times. Joy, laughter, tears & heartache; we felt them all. But the one that stands out the most: LOVE. Having your love gives me strength, loving you gives me courage. Happy Anniversary my dear. You are the love of my life. :-)"

"Darling, thank you so much for being so loving and patient throughout these 8 years. You've been there at my worst and shared my best. There is nothing more I could ask in return. You have given me so much. I love you with all my heart and I wish both of us life long happiness & companionship. Happy Anniversary. 

Today, we're celebrate our 8th year anniversary.

8th year commemorating what exactly? Of me being an hour late for our date. Of her being two hours late for our date. Of me trembling in fear as I blurted out words I could not have known were life changing..."Would you be my girlfriend."

Quite a number of people have asked me when or at what point did I know she was 'the one'. They wonder if there was some sort of dramatic defining moment set my heart for good. Others just assumed that since we've been so long together, it was just a matter of time...

I hate to burst their bubble, but there was no defining moment. And I'll tell you very honestly, even after many years of dating, it was never a guarantee that we would end up together, not for me at least.

Nothing happened that made me decide she was the one. In fact, there was a period of time that I asked myself if she was indeed the one. This went on for weeks, which turned into months and eventually years. We were comfortable with each other, we cared for one another, but I did not have an answer to my own question. Was she 'the one'? What was the one anyway? As if we we're all individual pieces of a jigsaw puzzle searching for others that were made to match us, worrying that we might not find them. I would often look at other women around and me and wonder if I'm supposed to be with them, that I just don't know it yet. I looked at them and asked myself that forbidden question "If I were not with someone right now, could I love this other person?" I never told anyone, but once or even twice, the answer didn't come back as a No.

And people just assume that after so and so many years together, you're bound to be together. Sadly, this isn't true. Last week, I sat for for 7 hours with a dear friend nursing a broken heart. They had dated for 4 years before he dumped her suddenly and abruptly, over MSN. In the never ending maze of my own heart, I had wondered if the number of years we clocked together made either of us carry on just so the past years do not go to waste. It's like making the right choices, but for all the wrong reasons. Right action, wrong intent. What a dilemma.

I did not wake up one morning realizing that I could not live without her. I'd be so bold as to say if I did not have in my life, I would have lived life all the same. But I did meet her, and she did come in my life. What did happen was that in between one of those many lazy Sunday mornings watching cartoons & bickering about taking out the trash, she made me feel loved even in the most nonchalant way. The best of her made me proud, and the worst of her gave me headaches... but I loved her anyway. A smile on the face comes from a happy heart... and she made me smile a lot so I knew I was happy. I still hadn't figured out whether she was the piece of the puzzle meant for me, or if I could be happier with someone else, but I allowed my mind to wonder into the future, and I found myself thinking that if I had a son, I wanted him to have a mom like her. And if I had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like her mom. I could picture no one else.

And vaguely, I guess that's when I knew, she was the one. That's what I'm celebrating today. And someone across the sea, I knew she is too.

Serendipity Sunsets

I seldom if ever talk about my work.

First of all, the field I'm in is highly technical. It's hard to answer in simple layman terms what I do exactly, or the product we make. Most of the time, unless it's a fellow engineer, my explanations invariably draw blank looks from people... and I just go "Oh nevermind... I'm just a regular engineer k..." I know people aren't really interest in what engineers do anyway. Also, a big part of me refuses to let what I do for a living define the person that I am. A lot of people derive their sense of worth from their job. The only way they feel important or significant, is if their job is important and significant. I don't really buy into that thinking. I know where my sense of self comes from, and my job ain't it.

But believe it or not, I actually enjoy the work I'm doing now. There are no two days that are exactly alike. It's challenging, it's dynamic, and in many ways, it's quite exciting. Over the course of my work, I have sat through million dollar contract negotiations, witnessed profanities flung across the room in official meetings, people get fired on the spot, sat under the sweltering hot sun tightening bolts & nuts & watching people getting seriously injured while working in the field.

But today wasn't one of those days...

Today... everything was fine. I sat at the back of the truck as it made its way out of the plant at the end of the shift. There were just a few of us, all dressed up in our safety helmets, goggles, ear plugs, coveralls, safety boots, gloves...... We talked about the events of the day, shared a few laughs and the inevitable few dirty jokes. It was the weekend. Most of us had home on our mind and were only too eager to get out of our suits. Most of them had wife and kids. I think I was the youngest one there.

Our laughter died down, and everyone just looked away, each busy with their own thoughts. I wasn't looking forward to the regular jam at the causeway later... but I needed to brave it if I wanted to be home. I looked at my watch.."Ah.. 7pm.. time to look up". I leaned back and looked outward towards the sky.

Clear skies with some clouds here and there. Colours changing hue from deep orange from where the sun was setting to dark blue where the moon was rising.

PERFECT.

The life of an engineer isn't the least bit glamorous. But in between calling an end to a hard days work, sharing a good laugh & looking up at that beautiful sky in silence, I felt happy. Evening skies then to have that effect on me.

My thoughts went out to my family, old friends, new friends, friends facing difficult times, friends I hadn't seen in months, people I lost touch with, people I still keep in touch with, people I gave up trying to connect with and most interestingly, people who have made sudden contact with me again after so many years. Being away from it all somehow gave me clearer insight into many of my relationships with people. I could see which ones were superficial and which ones were genuine, which were just camaraderie & which were true concerns.

I smiled to myself.

Just like catching a glimpse of this sunset today, many of the most amazing things that have happened in my life happened unexpectedly. I didn't plan them, they just fall right into my lap unasked for. The most valued relationships I've came from the most unexpected places & happened right under my nose. I landed myself an interesting job before I even knew what I was getting myself into. The love of my life literally turned herself around and introduced herself to me before I could even plucked up the courage to look her in the eye. I guess you could say I'm a real lucky little bastard. I think I've had more than my fair share of serendipity so far.

Anyway, at that moment, I was cracking my head trying to think of this quote I read for some reason...but could not remember the words exactly... but here it is.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.  ~Margaret Young

It's good to be home, even just for a while. Have a good weekend.

Cheers

Bad Road Karma

I've been on a bad streak.

I've been involved in 4 accidents in as many weeks. Just minor ones actually but still....

Accident #1
Breakfast Sunday morning after church. Parked my car near a coffee shop and had myself a delicious hearty Malaysian breakfast with my family... and came back to see my car with a nasty dent on the right rear. Some bozo had knocked into my car and just drove off. Curse you! But hey, I was in a good mood. I hadn't been home in weeks, so I tried not to make too big a deal out of it. But I had quite a lot of explaining to do to my boss since it's a company car.

Accident #2
This was squarely my fault. IT was just at the traffic light in front on my place. Had a lot of things on my mind, wasn't quite paying attention to the road. I was just leaving to Singapore (again) wasn't quite happy that I couldn't do all that I wanted before returning. Saw the green light and slammed the accelerator pedal..and rammed straight into the guy in front. SHIT! Luckily, it was a nice guy. Paid him a sum and spend the next 3 hour drive down south in a VERY shitty mood.

Accident #3
Hate these bloody car parks in Singapore. All the cars are so close together. Everything's either reverse parking or parallel parking. And I swear you need to be a professional car stunt driver to be able to park confidently in such tight corners. Anyway.. I kinda 'bumped' into the guy in front when I was trying to park. "Oops.." I said to myself. Luckily there wasn't anyone and the damage only cosmetic (honest!). I guess what goes around comes around. People bang you, you bang people. Some call it karma, I just call it shit that happens when parking your car.

Accident #4
This was totally not my fault. I was at a checkpoint waiting to tap our access cards that raises a barrier before driving into a certain restricted zone. There was a small slope. The guy in front of me was looking for his card or something. Didn't pull his hand breaks while searching through his glove compartment.. and his car came rolling down.... straight into my car. I blasted my horn.. but it was too little too late. FARK! "Well, thank you very much God... Is this supposed to be the part where my day can only get better?" I wondered. I would have reversed, but then I'd just bang into the guy behind me. Didn't help that it was an old man behind the wheel and I really didn't have the heart to be mean. It kinda made me wonder if more old people get away with road accidents than younger people.

Anyway, I don't know what the hells going on. Maybe it is bad karma. Maybe I'm paying for traffic offenses done in a past life. :-P

But I think I've just not been paying attention when driving. I've been on the road a lot in the past few months. More often than not, I go into this 'autopilot' mode and my mind tends to drift off to other things. And believe me, I've had quite a lot on my mind. I got a royal scolding by my mom and one or two beloved friends for 'making them worried & upset'. "Make sure you're rested before you drive!... No going at 140kph!.. Do not make me worry about you, understand?.. The funniest one was - I'll kill you myself if you get into another accident." It kind of left me confused. Not sure if I should have said thank you or sorry... so I just said both. 

To be honest, it felt kinda good to be fussed over. I guess meeting multiple accidents does have its small perks. I tend to wonder sometimes if people really care.. and it's nice to personally experience the answer.....even if it comes in the form of half-annoyed-half-concerned nags.   :-P

Invisible Wings, Fly Me Away

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I'm in one of those moods today. Can't seem to find the words to describe it. But it feels and reads pretty much like this song. It's a song by Zhang Shao Han @ Angela Zhang called Yin Xing De Chi Bang or literally....Invisible Wings. I don't listen to a lot of chinese songs. But sometimes, some are really really beautiful.. not to mention poetic. This one is sad but hopeful song. The kind you'd sing to yourself as you thread along a long dark tunnel. Your eyes fixed on the light at the end. You know you're going to make it. You know you will reach the end, it's just not time yet. You know you need to journey on. But right here, right now, you need courage, you need strength, but mostly, you need hope... and so you have songs like this. The lyrics don't sound quite as poetic or beautiful when translated into English.. but in mandarin, it really is very beautiful. You'll just have to take my word on that.

每一次 都在 徘徊孤單中堅強
[I put up a strong front whenever I'm wandering in loneliness]
每一次 就算很受傷也不閃淚光
[I don't blink tears when I feel hurt]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 飛過絕望
[That will let me fly, that will let me fly over this feeling of hopelessness]

不去想 他們 擁有美麗的太陽
[I'm not going to think what beautiful suns they have]
我看見 每天的夕陽也會有變化
[The evenings that I see change everyday]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 給我希望
[That will let me fly, that will give me hope]

我終于 看到 所有夢想都開花
[I've finally seen that all my dreams have blossomed]
追逐的年輕歌聲多嘹亮
[The sounds of the young songs I'd chased have all become clear]
我終于 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
[I've finally soared; I have heart and I've concentrated; I'm not scared]
哪里會有風就飛多遠吧
[I'll fly wherever the wind blows me]

隱形的翅膀 讓夢恒久比天長
[These invisible wings have made my dreams permanent (realities) that will exist longer than time]
留一個愿望讓自己 想象
[I'll leave myself a wish, so that I may imagine...]

每一次 都在 徘徊孤單中堅強
[I put up a strong front whenever I'm wandering in loneliness]
每一次 就算很受傷也不閃淚光
[I don't blink tears when I feel hurt]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 飛過絕望
[That will let me fly, that will let me fly over this feeling of hopelessness]

不去想 他們 擁有美麗的太陽
[I'm not going to think what beautiful suns they have]
我看見 每天的夕陽也會有變化
wo kan jian mei tian de xi yang ye hui you bianhua
[The evenings that I see change everyday]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 給我希望
[That will let me fly, that will give me hope]

我終于 看到 所有夢想都開花
[I've finally seen that all my dreams have blossomed]
追逐的年輕歌聲多嘹亮
[The sounds of the young songs I'd chased have all become clear]
我終于 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
[I've finally soared; I have heart and I've concentrated; I'm not scared]
哪里會有風就飛多遠吧
[I'll fly wherever the wind blows me]

隱形的翅膀 讓夢恒久比天長
[These invisible wings have made my dreams permanent (realities) that will exist longer than time]
留一個愿望讓自己 想象
[I'll leave myself a wish, so that I may imagine...]

Engineer --> Writer --> Teacher --> Anthropologist --> Kopitiam Taukeh

I'm an engineer who secretly imagines he's a writer but actually wants to be a teacher but at the same time considering being an anthropologist....as soon as he figures out what the heck anthropologist really do for a living. Human behaviour fascinates me. I think studying it would be interesting. And when I'm old (or freaking rich, whichever first), I'll just open a kopitiam by the corner somewhere, sell Chinese tea, cigarettes and spend my days annoying people by selling overpriced tissues instead of providing them free of charge.

Engineer --> Writer --> Teacher --> Anthropologist --> Kopitiam Taukeh


Sounds like a plan?

Doing Onto Others

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Someone asked me yesterday why I bothered wishing someone well as they said their thank you and goodbyes.

It was a well known that this particular person was at times a rather shifty character, not always honest, didn't always have your interest at heart when dealing with our company. Personally, I never felt 100% comfortable with him either. He spoke too soon and too smoothly for my taste. I know the man had a business to run and profits need to be made, but I'd always get the feeling that he was trying to rip you off all the time. Anyway, things didn't go so well in his business and his company finally faced closure. (Maybe I wasn't the only one who had that suspicious feelings after all).

"What for you wish him well. He's a blood sucker" my colleague emailed me.


"You don’t wish him well, the lightning will come down and strike us leh. Upstairs is watching!" I replied.

I knew why I was still wishing this guy well despite my reservations about him, but I didn't quite know how to explain it to my colleague without sounding preachy. But I decided to quote scripture anyway, as uncomfortable as that made me feel.

Luke 6:27-36

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Now, don't get me wrong k... I'm NOT a holy person. I'm not the sort of person who incessantly quote scripture what more to colleagues. Religion isn't something you discuss often in the workplace. But I do believe with all my heart that that's how you should treat others; in your actions, words and even your thoughts. To me, wishing him well isn't just saying 'all the best'.. but sincerely hoping that things turn out well for them, regardless of what happened in the past. It's not easy. It takes a lot to genuinely give someone your blessing when they have done a wrong against you. I have tried keeping an angry & vengeful heart. But it's like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person suffers. You're only killing yourself

I tell myself that if I were in their shoes, and I did a wrong against someone, I would hope that they would forgive me too. It's with that in mind that I readily give my well wishes and blessings to him. In a way, it's a selfish act. I bless because I want to be blessed. I forgive, because I want forgiveness. You don't demand it. You just give it, and hope that it will come back your way some day when you need it

I have been called lenient & soft for behaving this way before. In fact, they say I'm a royal sucker because I'm constantly allowing people to take advantage over me because of my ideals. They tell me that if I forgive to easily, people never learn their lesson. There's little place for ideals in this world. It's a jungle out there, so live by jungle rules or perish. Maybe these people have never felt the need for forgiveness and blessings in their own lives. But this sucker certainly does.

So all the best to you my friend. Here's to wishing you well. I meant it yesterday, today and all the tomorrows from here on. 

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone 

Lady Antebellum & Jim Brickman - Never alone

When the Know becomes the Knew

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It's sad when people you know

become people you knew.

 When you can walk

right past someone like they were

never a big part of your life.

How you used to be able to talk for hours.

And how now, you can barely even look at them

Author - Unknown

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It is isn't it? 

I once read that 

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

When the Know 

becomes the Knew

My secret sorrow.

That's You.

When Left to His Own Devices...

I'm starting to remember how it feel like being on my own.

8 years of being in a full time relationship tends to make you forget how it feels like to decide what to do with you time, all the time. You get used to this mode of planning things together, giving in there, going along there. Relationships are often dictated by how well you compromise with each other. When it's just you, there is no compromising to do. There's no need to give in. In fact, there is no giving to do at all. You do what you want, go where you want, when you want. With relationships, you're always giving. You give and you give even when you think you can't give anymore, you still do.

Anyway, I digress.

I realize I'm doing exactly the same things I used to do before I was ever in a relationship. I bring my guitar along with me these days, especially when I travel. I grab it and play a few chords every other night. It feels nice listening to the sound of the guitar. It's not a Sony Walkman or an Apple iPod. Just me strumming simple songs to myself, but I'm happy anyway. Just don't ask me to play a song for you.

I read again; Readers Digest, Men's Health Magazine, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, CLEO magazine (don't ask)..... anything and everything really, as long as it's good. I owe my command of English to reading. Honest to God, I still don't know what the heck is a verb or noun, I don't know it means to have present or past or perfect participle and I don't intend to ever find out. Learning the rules of a language doesn't make you better at it, just more correct. And in this age obsessed with political correctness, nothing you say will be correct anyway. So why bother?

Lastly, I write. Come to think of it, I officially started writing when I was 14 years old. I bought myself a hard case diary with a lock on it. It was meant for me to write all my deepest darkest thoughts, secret crushes and other assorted infatuations. I still keep it actually. In my first entry, I wrote a description about the ideal girl for me. Sweet, kind, gentle, soft spoken. My perfect love; I had her pictured so clearly in my head. When I did finally fall absolutely head over heels in love with someone, she turned out to be nothing like what I wrote. Just goes to show what we know eh? Anyway, that passion eventually manifested into this blog & my old one, which I have said for the millionth time, I'm incredibly shy & tight lipped about. The funny thing here is, when writing, I totally assume no one is reading this. But when I finally click publish, I totally wish someone would drop a freaking comment. Weird eh? I have thought about making my blog known to every Ah Chong, Muthusamy & Ahmad before.... but I'm still mulling over it. We'll see.


So what does a guy like me do when left to his own devices? 

Music, words and more words.

Damn, I'm such a bore. :-S

A Geek At Heart

Someone asked me a few days ago if I was a geek.

"What's the definition of a geek?" I asked.

"Someone who's a know it all." they said.


I thought about it. Am I a know it all?


It's second nature to me to want to learn more about the things I'm interested in. It's not to show off. I don't go around trying to be snooty about how much I know. It's more for personal satisfaction. I feel more connected to the subject. It feels more intimate.


I can't like and love a person without wanting to know more about them. And similarly, I can't love a subject without want to know more too. I soak up every detail I can get my hands on when I come across something that interest me, be it about history of Brazilian bossa nova  music, the detailed account of the invasion of Normandy or convoluted conspiracy theories about secret human culling efforts.


I thought about a while and finally replied my friend:


"I don't know if I'm a know it all... But I do enjoy learning about new things all the time. If that makes me a geek, then.. I guess....yeah man! I'm totally a geek!" I proudly replied.

After all, it was once said - The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge - Bertand Russel

of (Extra)ordinary People

There is something about people who are different that draws me to them. Every now and then, I come across people who truly unique in their own special way. People who defy convention; people who don't bother trying to be different, but just are. They don't necessarily dress, look or behave abnormally. In fact, many of them come across as perfectly normal at first glance. But dig a little deeper, and suddenly you find yourself getting to know a someone who fits no stereotype nor conform to set behaviors.

But they all seem to have one thing in common. They don't quite give a damn about what people think of them.

Most people hate them for this. But it's also the very reason I love them.

Maybe it's the law of opposites working here. I think I'm attracted to these trail blazers because of the sheer ordinariness of my own self. 

Hmmm..... Maybe. 

What if God was One of Us?

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If God had a name, what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see?
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

Write It. Burn It.

Note to Self: 

Keeping things inside eats at your heart & erodes your soul. When angry, frustrated or disappointed, when  feeling like you need to give someone a piece of your mind , write it all down on a piece of paper. Then burn it. Get it off your chest if you must but never let it reach their ears.

Some words need to be said, but never heard.

A loving refrain outweighs a spiteful critique

Then That Is Who You Must Become

I read something that really stirred and inspired me the other day. Here it is:

"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places -- and there are so many -- where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.

And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory." - 

by Howard Zinn

Later on, I read something that summed the above up in on simple beautiful line:

If the type of person you wish existed doesn't, then that is who you must become. - I wrote this for you.

I felt stirred. I shared this belief too. If you think the world needs more compassion, sacrifice, courage & kindness, if you think the world can be a better place, the best place to start is with yourself. Most of the time, we feel like just one person can't make a difference. But even the tiniest of raindrops can create ripples that grow into mighty waves. To echo Michael Jackson in Man In the Mirror,

If you want to be make the world a better place, 
Then look at yourself and make a change.

Poor Jack Neo - Women Not Enuf

I imagine he must be feeling just like one of his movie characters right now.

Is it just me, or is the world and the media only too eager to crucify public figures these days? It's like we're all hungry for blood. It's the whole Tiger Woods episode all over again. 

Personally, I'm reluctant to persecute the guy. The guy knows how to tell a story. He's movie Money Not Enough 2 single-handedly brought yours truly and half a dozen of his male friends close to tears. . His movies portray the true facets of living life in a competitive, consumer driver society like Singapore with all honesty. The characters he create are often less than perfect people. They don't pretend to be anything other than flawed human beings just trying to balance doing what's right and what they selfishly desire for themselves.

Isn't that a lot like you and me....and him?

Give him a break. He's Singapore's most successful film maker, not Singapore's biggest saint.

Let him lick his wounds and seek forgiveness from his wife. He's just human. And to er is human. But to forgive is divine. And I like to believe that there is a piece of the divine in all of us.

Retro Music a.k.a the Oldies

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

Some people give me the funny look when they step into my car and hear what's playing on my CD.

"Why are you listening to these sort of songs?" they'd ask. They wonder what a guy in his twenties would be doing listening to songs that might as well be from the 20s. They give me a funny look as if I were some 80 year old soul trapped in a younger body.... Why else would he be listening to these.... these... OLDIES.....

But honestly, I don't know what the heck they are talking about.

It's not oldies to me. How can it be, when I'm only just listening & discovering them for the first time in my life? It's new to me. 'New'-dies if you ask me (coined that myself.. haha). Doesn't matter if it was written 5, 50 or 500 years ago. There's no real 'expiry date'. Good songs never go bad if you ask me. They just get forgotten. Which is why I listen to these old sometimes; to do my part in preserving these great music heritage. It'd be too much of a waste if really awesome songs get forgotten over the generations, overwritten by latest 'hip' songs singing about no more than shaking your booty like there's no tomorrow.

So, the next thing you sit in my car, and you find me listening to the kind of songs your mum and dad used to do, think 40 years into the future.... wouldn't you want someone to still remember all the awesome songs of our generation?

After all, I thought going retro was supposed to be cool? So lets all DO THE HUSTLE!! Haha....

Cheers

P/S: Check out these inmate doing the hustle!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-FhczpCZ84

Some things I miss...

You asked what I miss most in your absence. Here they some of it:

- Lazing on Sunday mornings snuggling in bed.
- Chasing each other around the house.
- Eating noodles watching Sponge Bob Square Pants
- Playing the guitar listening to you sing.
- Watching movies together on my laptop.
- Smiling at you parading your new cloths.
- You forcing me to parade my new cloths (which you bought)
- Making funny faces at you
- Morning dim sum in oldtown.
- Hearing you say “That’s because you love me” when I say you’re beautiful.
- Saying “That’s because you love me” when you say I’m wonderful.
- Asking you where I put my things.
- Knowing you always know the answer.
- Asking you to pick what I wear for me.
- Smiling at you animating your conversations / stories.
- Imitating your animations.
- Wrestling in bed where I always win, but you always cheat.
- Eating your soy sauce chicken, Sheppard’s pie & fried wanton. Yummy!
- Driving down to Berkeley to eat in our special place.
- Walking around like a zombie as you shop for groceries.
- Pulling you away everything we pass a lingerie shop having a sale.
- Running my hand through your hair & tapping you nose.
- Listening you complain for the thousandth time about your thighs.
- Complain for the thousandth time to you about my tummy.
- Receiving a kiss & hug when I come back.

In short, having you to come home to. Come home safe to me ok darling. I miss you.

And Yes, I think you look pretty in that dress. No I'm not saying just because I love you. ;-)

When Words Are All I Need

Someone gave me a book called The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman to read recently. I just finished it. In it, it he talks about how there are generally five different sort of 'love languages' that we all best read and respond to. Generally one or two of these languages speak loudest to each and everyone of us, which we use to convey our love as well as interpret the love we receive. These five are:

#1 Words of affirmation
#2 Quality time
#3 Acts of service
#4 Giving of Gifts
#5 Physical touch

Relationship problems usually crop because because when it comes to love, we often speak different languages. Some people need words of affirmation to feel love while others cherish quality time more. Some consider gifts as superfluous while to others think its a very special token. A person may be showing all the love he has for another person by constantly giving them words of affirmation, but for a person who looks at acts of services as a true show of love would consider words to be cheap. Another person may be doing all sorts of acts of service for the person he / she loves as his way of conveying his care, but is totally lost on a person waiting looking instead for quality time & bonding. As a result, we all get frustrated. We all feel unloved. And as he correctly points out, we are all emotional beings, and without exception, we all have a deep need to feel loved. It's not about knowing you're loved. It's about actually feeling loved. In fact, so great is this need that it is often the underlying reason why people cheat on their spouses, walk away from their marriage or seek love and affection elsewhere.

As I read through the book, I thought a lot about a lot of my relationships, about the people who mattered to me. What were their languages of love? It made me looks at all of my experiences from a new angle. I realized that perhaps there were many times I was being showed love in a particular way but did not realize it. By the same token, I might have been hurting their feelings being being totally unaware of what I was saying / not saying in another language.

I realized my brother wanting to play computer games with me was about quality time. My mother constantly clinging on to my hand was physical touch. My fiancee doing practically everything for me was acts of service. My closest and most sisterly friend constantly giving me books, CDs etc was her giving of gifts. I now know that though they were all different acts, they still boiled down to one common gesture; a gesture of love. By all accounts, I'm supposed to feel pretty loved right now... and yet I don't. I know I'm loved by these people. But I don't feel loved.

Because.... I think my main language of love is words of affirmation. A close second would be quality time, but I realized I us words more than anything else to convey my feelings. I'm always telling people how good, witty, funny, observant, smart, pretty, thoughtful, intelligent, stunning, awesome, amazing and sensitive they are. By verbally affirming a person, I'm trying to show that I care and that in my eyes, there is a lot about them I admire and love. And more often than not, I secretly crave to hear such affirming words from people too. Just simple words, truthfully & sincerely spoken. They galvanize me, they spur me on, they make whatever pain or sacrifice I've had to make all seem worth it. But it's so rare, so far in between that I hear genuine words of affirmation. Maybe people are afraid of coming across as patronizing. Or maybe our Asian culture of automatically rejecting praise has also thought us not to give them out too freely either.

But like a double edge sword, words work for me as well as against me. Words mean a lot to me, and I try to be careful about what I say to people, especially in moments of anger. My fiancee correctly pointed out that for every unkind word that I have spoken, there are dozen more that I filtered out. I would not want to say hurtful things because if I were on the receiving end, I know it'd hurt. And for me, it hurts....... A LOT when someone says something spiteful to me, be it out of anger, frustration or anything. The words stay with me, haunt me, and remain like daggers stuck to my heart for a long long time.


It's hard to not feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster sometimes. People don't always mean what they say. Sometimes they're just angry and frustrated and you end up being the punching bag. But the words hurt no less. Other times, they mean every word they say, but only at the moment. When circumstances change, they replace them with other words, other meanings. You're left there wondering what to make of those previous words; passionately uttered but quickly chucked aside.

A kind word here and there, short emails, random comments on my blog & Facebook post; most of them who say nice things to me don't know it, but it is these bits & pieces of soul food that feed my need to feel loved.  I don't feel like the most loved person in the world....but I survive.

I just called to say hi.

I just called to say I love you

I just called to say how much I care

I just called to say I love you

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

The lyrics of this song came flooding back to me yesterday. I was staring at my phone wondering something. There was a programme on TV called Stop In the Name of Love. The organizers went on the streets flagging people down asking them a real simple question – if this was your last day on earth, who would you call to say I love you? What a brilliant idea. God knows how rare those calls really are and how much we really need them. When was the last time you received a call or email or message from someone out of the blue?

When asked, they usually tell you they’re there ‘just to say hi’. But make no mistake about it; ‘hi’ isn’t all they are saying. In between the letters “H” and the “I” is: “Hey, I’m thinking of you. Here I am. I care about how you’re doing. I want to establish a connection with you.”…. so yeah.. Hi ;-)

When I’m lucky enough to receive such a call, it usually leaves me feeling loved, appreciated and infinitely more content with life. These people who call just to say hi – they become important to me. They care about me, and I too care for them in return. They are mentally added to a list of ‘People who are important in my life’. Additions to this list are usually far and wide in between for me. Needless to say, it isn’t a very long list either. I know I’m being cynical, pessimistic or guarded in that sense. But the ones that get on that list are usually those who’ve either proven themselves to be true of heart, or stood the test of time. Usually, these two come hand in hand. As a consolation, those who get on the list are almost never removed from it.

But I started wondering “Whose list am I on? Am I important to anybody? Do I matter to anyone?” Other than my immediate family, I didn’t really know for sure. What if I’m not on the list of people who are on mine? What if I’m caring for people who don’t care about me at all?

I believe love is in built into all of us. I think it’s usually hard not to want to reciprocate when we are shown love by another person. We care about those who care for us and the ones we want to be cared by. If there’s any reason we stop caring, it’s because we believe they don’t. If I’m not on the list of some people, could it be because I have failed to show that I do & still care?

The TV show started to make more sense to me now than before.

Excuse me. I need to go make a couple of phone calls and say hi to some people.

"Four Sixes later..." he wrote

When I was six year old, I always thought I would one day become a pilot. It was my dream as a kid. I wanted to be called Captain; I wanted to have the smart looking uniform and I wanted to fly high in the skies & see the world. I'd run in the field with my arms strength apart swinging left to right, looking up feeling the wind in my face, imagining the day I'd be up there one day literally soaring through the sky.

When I was twelve, I was starting to believe that maybe I'd end up becoming a lawyer instead. I had started wearing spectacles, which crushed my hopes of being a pilot. But I had a keen mind. Logic, reasoning & intellectual debates appealed to me. I watched debates, I started reading books & started developing an interest in philosophy.

When I was eighteen, physics & engineering was what appealed to me. I found out that lawyers were daylight carnations of blood sucking vampires (no offense), but I had also developed a love for physics & science. It explained the why and how of things. I knew why apples fell & balloons floated. I knew why a barrel full of liquid would fall the same speed as an empty one. I understood mass, heat, energy & the laws that governed the universe. It made sense to me. It made sense of this wide wide world I was just beginning to understand & it quenched my thirst of why.

But now, at twenty four....

An engineer I did become, but I no longer crave for detailed explanations on how things worked. I understood enough to appreciate it & learned to accept things as they are. Physics explained how things worked, but it didn't explain why. Why are we here? What's life all about? Books told me the magnetic fields of the earth made the world go round, but everyone else insist it's really love. Love? Really? And so I tried exploring it, trying to understand it. I fell in love. I experienced puppy love, electrifying first touches, magic first kisses & intense moments of passion but more than that, solemn moments of sacrifice, humility, forgiveness & grace. I found out love wasn't something you live to learn about but something your learn to live by.


I started writing six years ago, and have kept at it (somewhat) consistently. Hundreds of self absorbed & incoherent post later, I still find myself stuck in front of the monitor with half baked attempts at writing something meaningful or profound. For what? Nothing really. Self satisfaction perhaps. To who? Nobody actually. If you asked me to explain in a nutshell what this blog is about, and what is it I'm really writing about.... I'd have to say.. it's about life, and love through my eyes. Life and its idiosyncrasies; love and its physics-defying ability to make the world go round.


To tell you the truth, I am extremely shy about what I write. Some in-built self degrading mechanism constantly tells me that the things I write aren't good enough to be read, what more shared. Something I realize I need to work on. On the rare occasion that I do share what I write with people, I have received positive feedback. They urge me to submit articles for publication, which I usually dismiss as absurd. It's too wordy. Too many commas. Too 'grandfather'. It's not that good. It's not interesting enough. PLUS, there are so so many better writers out there. People who could string thoughts & words together like a master tailor, and even THEY don't get published... even they don't call themselves writers. Who am I to claim such a title then?

And yet, the idea has somehow stuck in my head. I allowed myself the indulgence of fancy thinking. An engineer turned writer musing about life & love & crane charts? Talk about off key. I'm just some guy who writes. I don't know if that qualified me as I writer. I disqualified myself from being a writer per se because as a rule, I did not write for readership, and I did not write for popularity. Who the hell would want to pay you if what you wrote did not attract readership? Someone said to me that be that as it may, if people enjoyed reading my thoughts, why not give it a shot? Why not pursue this more seriously? How do you know there aren't more people who would enjoy what you write? I don't... and I guess I'm kind of afraid to find out also.

But after four sixes of living life, I'm giving serious thought again to what I want in life again. Six a pilot, twelve a lawyer, eighteen an engineer, twenty four... a writer? Could it really happen?


I'll let you know in six years.