Hopeful Doubter

Someone called me a cynic once. OK, maybe more than once...

I do feel tempted to refute this claim sometimes because it implies that I'm essentially a negative person. Am I a negative person? I certainly like to think not. But I find it hard to ignore when people do say such things to me. Is that really the kind of impression I project to people? Of a cynic?

What's a cynic anyway? Someone who refuses to believe in things so simply? Someone who does not accept things at face value so easily? Someone who always ponders and doubts? If so, then YES, I'm a cynic - through and through. I do doubt a lot. I am inclined not to accept things just at face value. I do take a lot of convincing before I believe in something. But that's because once I do, I usually stick to it. That doesn't make me negative does it? I thought that's what they call pessimists.

I think there is a key difference between a cynic and a pessimist. Both are doubters. But one quietly keeps hope, while the other forsakes it.

So many mornings, I wake up preparing myself and firmly believing that certain things will not happen, certain people will not change, certain events will never come true. It's not everyday that you can live as if the whole universe will conspire to help you meet your destiny. Reality feels far less romantic than the ones you read in books. But secretly, I keep hope. Maybe today, a miracle will happen. maybe something special will come my way. Sometimes, they come in the form of an event. But more subtly in the form of someone. Something or someone that suddenly gives you renewed hope in love, life or just people in general. I do hope for that most mornings. That's what a cynic does I guess - plan for the worst, hope for the best.



Once upon a time, I embraced every word people whispered into my ear. Sweet sounding words that had so much promise and potential. I never take what people said to me lightly. It's important to me. And I cling on to them dearly, sometimes remembering them long after the speaker said it. But I realized not everyone put as much weight on their words as I thought. Some just said the things you want to hear, some were just careless, and some just naive. People don't always say what they mean. And they don't always mean what they say. I learned that the hard way. Sometimes, they think they mean it - but I know they'll change their minds about what they said later. Circumstances change, feelings change, relationships change. Very quickly, words once said with so much heart & passion are disregarded.

These days, I'd rather not hear sweet words from anyone at all. And I've made it a conscious effort not to say too much too soon to anyone, however natural, however true they feel at the time. Enough hearts have been broken over words carelessly spoken. I don't want anymore on my account. Hurts too much.

If I really am a cynic, then this is yet another thing now added onto my list of cynical beliefs. I've lost a lot faith in the spoken word - especially those spoken by people whose lips move too soon & heart change too quick. More often then not, I find it hard to believe that they mean what they say. 90% of me really doubts. But 10% hopes... and strangely, in the realm of the heart, 10% of hope still aces 90% of doubt. That's how you end up giving people the benefit of the doubt. You know 9 of 10 will break your heart. But you're actually looking for the 10th guy.

Cynic you say? More like hopeful doubter.