When You Were Gone

So, how did it feel when in the time I was gone?

Well.. to be frank, the front part was actually quite exciting. I mean.. it’s been a long time since I had only myself to care about, and suddenly I’m have all this freedom to do whatever, wherever, whenever and with whoever. For a good few week I was up and about doing everything, meeting everyone.

Then… the loneliness started to set in. After I had run out of things I wanted to do, I found myself feeling a bit lost. There was no one to go home to. There are only so many times you dared bug your friends in a week. And I started to realize how… well…. Lonely… it felt being all by yourself. I thought back to the last time I was single.. over 8 years ago; how did I manage being so busy, happy and fulfilled all by myself?

I realized that if I was going to survive the next year, I had to re-learn how to be by myself again. I started doing the things I used to enjoy doing when I was by myself – I picked up the guitar a lot more, I started writing more, meeting up with friends, reading. And in a way it helped. It helped me remember how I was like before…

And then?

And after a good few months of doing it.. I guess eventually got into the groove of surviving on my own again. I hardly stayed home, I was always out with people.. and whenever I was free, I headed to Starbucks instead of home….. I guess I knew being at home would just make me feel more depressed. While I missed you terribly, I had to find a way to get by without you without feeling totally miserable.

I longed and missed the constant companionship, the laughs, the emotional intimacy, the comfort of having someone physically there beside you… but I also started to enjoy the freedom, the flexibility, and the care free nature of being just by myself.

So in other words, you got on just fine without me?

Well.. I don’t mean it in THAT way. I managed to cope, yes. But being alone also made me more aware than ever about what how it is like being with someone. I was always aware of the fact that I was alone… and while I did learn the joys of singlehood all over again, I also was sorely missing the joys of being a couple .... and after knowing both, I actually knew with greater certainly, which one I wanted for myself…

And which one is that??

Singlehood of course!

WHAT?

……… Just kidding dear. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Season Greetings

To you my friend who is reading this:

Merry Christmas (belatedly)... and a happy new year ahead of you. Thank you for reading and sharing in my thoughts, fears and rants all these while.

I would never know who you are unless you decided to make yourself known to me, which some of you have.... and I am very grateful and thankful for that. It is a heart warming experience to receive care and concern from total strangers who find somehow still find it worth their time sharing and caring with a person they don't even know.... It gives me great hope and comfort in the goodness of humanity. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My wish for you -

may courage never leave you,
may laughter always find you,
may peace always settle in,
may friends always come,
may problems never stay,
may hope always be abound,
may faith always remain,
may love always grow,
may God bless you and keep you safe...

All the days of your life...


With Warmest Regards
Me

Stop & Stare

Boy, what a morning it has been.

I was feeling kind of excited last night as I left work, ready to hit the road straight to Singapore in my new car. Well, new old car that is. The previous car I was driving was starting to make one too many noises and my boss finally agreed to change it to something that didn’t look like it was about to fall apart before the next traffic light. The replacement just came last Saturday, and I was eager to put the car through its paces, to check out what this baby can do.

Zoom zoom zoom.. and before you know it, I was right at the border of Singapore. So far so good… it felt like I was on a flying carpet… with wheels of course. I decided to hang on the phone a bit more talking to my other half before crossing the border.. enjoying the air conditioning and the soft feel of the leather.

And then everything just went started to go downhill..…

The hazard light suddenly came on, lights started flashing and beeping sounds started coming from areas I didn’t know existed in the car… and finally the engine itself chocked to a silent eerie death.

“WTF...?”…

I turned the ignition but the car wouldn’t start. A desperate call to my boss asking for advice – he told me to wait and try again later. What a genius. Didn’t work. Popped open the hood and peered in and started touching and shaking stuff. Had no idea what I was doing. But all men feel compelled to ‘pop the hood and check’ as if they knew a thing or two about fixing a car. Gave up and went back in. Opened the glove compartment and did what I know only engineers would do – read the manual. While it wasn’t as cool as popping the hood, it was a lot more informative. Read cover to cover hoping to find a solution, but still wasn’t any closer to getting the car started. At least I now knew what all those knobs and lights were for.

By this time it was 3am in the morning, and I hadn’t had a bath in 18 hours. Stick, dirty and smelly, I decided to try getting some shut eye in the car. But with the windows half open, I kept getting up every half an hour convinced that a bunch of night raiders were about to pounce on me and drive my car away. But since my car was out of order, they’d probably get pissed off and kill me instead. Or so I imagined.

Anyway, I somehow managed to make it to morning with some decent sleep and all my body parts intact. Hope against hope, I tried turning the key again. No sound. Damn car just won’t start. Lucky for me, I was parked right at the rest stop. Took my bag out and went to the washrooms. They had showers there mostly used by lorry and bus drivers to freshen up. So, a shower and a shot of caffeine later, I was feeling almost alright again. Quick calls to the workshops and some colleagues and tow truck was fast on its way to rescue me from my misery.

But this being Malaysia, it was just a matter of time before a bunch of busybody’s started congregating around my car. All men of course. How do they help? By standing around the car, hands at their waist, staring at the engine, thinking really really hard. We men like to think we can fix anything if we stare at it long enough. Only guy that was helpful was the tow truck guy. After all, he was the one actually charging me for assistance. But not before trying to kill me it seems.

After hooking up the car, I hopped into his truck. Maybe I was high on caffeine or something, but I was kind of enjoying sitting in the old beat up truck. Had a real old school feel about it, and it didn’t even have seatbelts! Coolness! I was thinking this might turn out so bad after all. I’m riding old skool style babe!

….and then he made a right turn…….and the door next me swung open, and I could feel myself being thrown right out the door, my body floating in thin air before crashing to the ground in slow motion…before getting squashed by the incoming cars….

OK, not really . But it really did feel like it was about to happen.

The door did swing open, but I managed to cling on to something to avoid flying out. Wasn’t proud of my few whimpy cries I accidentally let out in the face of certain death, but considering the truck driver himself almost shit in his pants too, I wasn’t too bothered. With doors locked this time, I sat close to the centre and keep my grip firmly on the seat for the rest of the trip. Riding old skool didn’t seem so fun after that. Damn it, why isn’t anything going right today?

But not to worry…as I write this, I’m sitting snuggled into a nice comfortable seat with air conditioning, free wifi, and a pretty looking waitress fetching free flow espresso coffee for me while I wait for the mechanics to figure out what the hell’s wrong with my car. I can tell they’re on it because from where I sit, I can see the mechanics all standing around the car, hands at their waist, staring at the engine, thinking really really hard. I’m sure that’ll do the trick.

All You Need Is....

Gosh.... I wish someone would just whisk me away to the North pole this Christmas.

Work has been such a drag these days. What I usually get done in an hour is taking days. What I'm supposed to get done in days is taking forever. Maybe it's because of the Christmas season. Whatever it is, I'm definitely not in the mood to do anything productive at work.

A lot of has been on my mind of late (as always)... about love, about money, about the future.. about life. A quick look at my last 5 post usually tells me the general state of mind I'm in at a particular time.

One thing I'm starting to take note of is this - people tend to open up to me.

Initially, I thought it was just a fluke. Everyone needs someone to talk to.. it's naturally for them to talk to the closest person willing to listen And it just so happens that I'm there. No biggie right? But then after a while, I started counting and it was like "Gee...is this just the way things are or am am I starting to look too much like Dr. Phil?"

For example, I think a year back, someone sent me an email telling me about the loss of her boyfriend in a war, and asked for advise. Not too long ago, some guy sent me another email, talking to me about his relationship problems and about how women just don't seem to like him. He asked me what he can do about it. And mind you, I don't even know these people. A colleague suddenly started rattling away about how frustrated she was with her husband and how she seemed to have lost her social circle and life. There are other, but these are just some examples.

I enjoy listening to people and trying to help out. This whole thing of emotional truths, deep seated feelings, fears and frustrations..... I connect with it. To me, it feels a lot like a gateway to a person's soul. When they share something with me, I feel I am that much closer, that much deeper in into the persons mind and heart.

And unsurprisingly, here’s the common theme - love. As cheesy as that sounds, love is the biggest source of people’s joy and heartache. Everyone wants to feel love and needed, everyone's trying their best to love, and nobody's finding it easy. A lot of people talk about wanting to find meaning and happiness in their life without really realizing that meaning and happiness are ultimately the product of love - both in the giving and receiving of it. It's not just the couples and romantic kind of love... but just love in general.

I realize that a lot of the happiest and most contented people I know are often the people who have love in their life. You know it by the way they talk and act. They are often patient, giving, self sacrificial, selfess. They're always giving people things, doing favours for people or helping someone out. And it's almost like the less they keep and the more they give, the happier they are. People who have love are also surprisingly brave. They dare do things beyond what others tell them is the limit, they dare take on task / missions seemingly bigger than themselves… and they often do it for the sake of something or someone else.

And the people who seem to forever be discontented and hungry for something, feeling like something is 'missing' in their life; they have very little experience of giving and receiving love. They are condition more to taking, achieving and winning (not that any of that is evil). There is a very distinct selfish, self preserving nature about them. They are often brave too.. usually for reasons that are to their own benefit. But no one’s perfect, and I believe we all find ourselves to be like that at one time or another.

This Christmas, my thoughts will be on the ones who shared their problems with me this year. A lot of them carry with them problems and burdens beyond what mere advice (however good) can solve. What they need is a seed of love in their life that will grow, take root and keep them grounded and steady through the storms of life. And that seed, only God can plant.

God bless you dear friend.

In Heaven

“I think you would like my daughter. Want to see how she looks like?”

“Oh? You think so? Sure..let me see.”

She takes her phone out and show me a picture of a pretty young girl in her twenties.


“Pretty… takes after her mom I suppose? Where is she now?”

“In heaven……………died in a fire.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry………long time ago?”

“It’s OK. Just last year actually…”

I too shocked to say anything for a few seconds. My heart sank. From behind that smile came a deep sadness when she talked about her daughter.

“We were very close. People used to say we were more like sisters. We’d talk to each other about everything….even about sex.”

“How did it happen?”

“They say it was the electrical socket that caught fire. She got trapped inside… I lost everything in that fire. By the end of the day, I only had the cloths on my back.”

I dared not ask anymore. The thought of this persons daughter dying so tragically in a fired was a bit overwhelming. To listen to her talk about it so candidly barely a year later was also another thing. I still find myself not very good at dealing with death.

I know no parent would even want to see their children go before them. They want to die knowing their children live on. In one of those rare show of emotions, my father once shared with me that he had a dream; and in it I died in front of him. It shook him so badly that he woke up from his sleep palpitating and sweating. I looked at him and I could see that it was a thought that genuinely disturbed him.

I think I understood perfectly. When I was 6, I dreamt that I was digging a grave for my father and mother during twilight. The sky was orange, I was sobbing and I was using a shovel to move the dirt. It disturbed me so much I woke up crying and ran next door to my parents room, banging the door telling them not to die.

People have asked me why I believe in God. And this is one of those reasons why - death. I don’t know how to live life and not despair if all there was to it was to be born, live, suffer, then die, the end. I cannot believe that life on earth is pointless… because every fibre of my being, every strand of my existence tells me that we are here for a reason. There is a meaning to all of this. And that meaning is found in the divine.


That night as I drove home, I thought about what more I could have said to comfort her. Perhaps I could have said that she's in a better plance now, with God.. But it’s hard to talk to someone about heaven when the word ‘God’ and ‘faith’ isn’t in their dictionary. Then I remember what she said in the beginning... She said her daughter was "In heaven..."

Funny how people can live their life completely ignoring God, yet talk about heaven when faced with death.

Choicelessness

I came across a quote the other day.

“We do not choose to be born.
We do not choose our parents.
We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing.
We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death.
But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live. “

- Joseph Epstein

Beautiful isn’t it? Capturing in just a few well written lines the essence of living life on this earth.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately… about how many of us choose to live our lives. Many of us are all driven by the same wants and needs; enough money, happy family, good friends, rewarding career, fulfilling relationships. Not always in that order.. but more or less the same things. But somehow, the choices we make in trying to reach those goals differ so greatly.

One friend decided to study her PhD overseas to escape the country, and another just can’t wait to be home from abroad. One decided she needed two jobs to make ends meet, and another stopped working altogether. One close friend quit or turned down every single job she ever had if it came in the way of her commitment to church, and one guy once asked me why he should bother about God when God seems to not give a damn about him. One person I knew married a man everyone felt she was too good for, and another friend of mine refused to date a guy after finding discovering his less than average dick size (WTF right?). One friend has changed so many boyfriends that I stopped counting, and another is going into her thirties and has never even dated anyone.

I’m getting to that age where I’ve known the people closest to me for at least 5 years. And the more I get to know them, the more I see that we’re all struggling, in one way or another. There is no one I know who has had their life figured out. We’re all told that we’re supposed to have some sort of ‘life plan’ or career path to follow. But from what I see, we’re all basically just taking it one step at a time as life unfolds itself.

I look at my own life from here on and ask myself “Where is all this leading me anyway? Are my plans going to come true? How will it all unfold? Where will I end up? And I find that just like the rest of my peers…. I don’t know the answer.

Many times, the plans we make for ourselves don’t translate into reality. And when things don’t go according to plan, we call it a setback. But over time, that setback somehow turns into a detour. Then more time passes, and that detour becomes a ‘temporary break’, and by the end of it all it becomes some sort of ‘blessing in disguise’. So how are we supposed to chart our life out, when we already know it will take a course of its own?

I try peering into the foreseeable future, and a many things stir in my heart.

Thoughts of my only brother as well as my father leaving the country – I would have no more family left here. Thoughts of my friends, many of whom look likely to relocate overseas or far away – I’d be losing my friends. A sadness fills me…… of losing the people you love.

Thoughts of family, young children yet to be born, and old folks standing by to fall ill – I’d have more burdens to bare, more ends to meet, new roles to fulfil. Will I be able to do it? A deep fear fills me… of not being able to provide.

Some people say you should not concern yourself with things beyond your reach, but instead to focus on things that are within your control. Do what you can with what you have and choose the things that are on the table. That even in the choicelessness of life.. you will still get to choose… and in some sense, we are in control of our lives.

But is it really control, when all we’re really doing is selecting from a range of options that life has already pre-determined for us?

Good night world. I choose to sleep now... eventhough I didn't choose for it to be night. 

Cheers

P/S: On hindsight, I should have just stopped typing after the beautiful quote. Everything else after that just sounds like pure crap written in a real fancy way. But I went through all the trouble typing it.. so what the heck, I'll post it anyway.

Good Luck Bad Luck?

Something personal I wanted to share. 

On our wedding, we were asked to choose passages from the bible we would like read out during the service. This went through a lot of verses.. but finally selected this one.. because we identified most with it. Personally, I felt very strongly about this verse.. because the message beneath it was something very close to my own heart. Here it is:

******************

Matthew 5 :1-12

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying: 

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you"

**************************

I felt like if I was a dying old man and I had but one thing to tell my children about how to live life on this earth, this would be it. That the things that are truly valuable in this life, isn't the things the world tells you is. That what is unseen is often more poweful and more significant that what's on the surface.


Interestingly, the priest solemnizing our wedding noted the verse selection and said that not many couples would choose such a verse on their wedding. Everyone else had a tendency to choose verse with themes of love. He said he reminded me of an old chinese story. Here it is:


*********************
There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, 

The farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" 

A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. 

His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"


Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. 

Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"


Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. 

Now was that good luck or bad luck? Who knows?

***************************

The moral of the story is that everything that seems on the surface to be an evil may be a good in disguise. And everything that seems good on the surface may really be an evil. So we are wise when we leave it to God to decide what is good fortune and what misfortune, and thank him that all things turn out for good with those who love him.

And as the Priest was repeating the story, I was tugging at my fiancee wife trying to tell her how excited I was in hearing it... because many years earlier I had heard the same story and shared it with her because I felt it really said something about life.

Of course she just shooed me away, told me to stop grinning and pay attention to ther sermon. :-P

Was it pure coincidence that the Priest chose to mention that story? A story that I related so strongly to also?

I think not.

Cheers my friend. :-)

Decisions

If you don’t already know, I’m a big fan of Calvin And Hobbes comics. This particular strip stuck with me. Not because it’s funny, but because of how much I relate to it.

I don’t know about other people, but being an adult isn’t what I expected it to be. Like Calvin’s dad in the comic, I too just imagined that once I grew up I’d just automatically know how to behave like a proper adult. But now that I have finally become an adult, I realize… it doesn’t work that way. Transitions in life don’t happen so smoothly. A lot of things are ad-libbed and learnt along the way.

One of the biggest changes is in decision making. When you’re a kid, you have all the decisions made for you. Your job was either to comply or kick a fuss. But one way or another, you had no say in the matter. When we finally get into our teens, one of the earliest things we try to do is wrestle control of our lives away from our parents into our own hands. Be it smoothly or through a lot of struggles, our parents do eventually let go for us to run our own life. Suddenly, they don’t tell us what to do anymore. Suddenly, they go along with whatever we want. Suddenly, we have to make our own decisions. For a while there, it’s nothing short of liberating. You run your own life, you are in charge, you do whatever you like. And then you realize it’s not so easy.

There are so many decisions to make in life… many of them literally life changing. Where to work, where to live, where to settle down, what job to do, what career to choose, how to spend your money, who to date, when to get married, how much to save, what to believe, where to go, how you travel, what to buy... Everything calls for a decision to be made, and you feel the pressure of making the right decision for yourself… because as much as the decision is yours, so are the consequences.

Over the last few months, I’ve had so many conversations with so many of my closest friends, over what they want to do in life, their career path, their love lives, their beliefs… and the thing I see is that we’re all making life decisions as an complete independent adult for the first time in our lives… and surprisingly, we even now as full grown adults with none of that hormonal imbalance as an excuse, we don’t always know what to do.

I felt like I needed some advice the other day, and I spoke to my father hoping for some sort of fatherly guidance on what to do. I felt like perhaps he could give me a nugget of wisdom or insight, having lived twice as long as I have and all…. But surprisingly, what he said to me was “Follow your gut instinct. Do what you feel is right.”…….. and I fell silent.

I wondered if he was just side stepping the question or was he truly trying to tell me something about making decisions in life. I was turning to him to give me a yes or no, right or wrong. But in the end, he still threw the ball back at me asking me to use my own wit and judgement. I guess it was his way of reminding me that I was an adult now.

I guess it’s scary in this way; when you’re a kid and you don’t know the right answer to something, you know at the back of your mind that SOMEONE has it. Either the teacher, or your parents, or next door neighbour or that smart kid from class. There is someone you can turn to who can give you the right answer. But when you’re an adult, you learn that there is no such thing as the right answer to everything. There is only decisions and consequences. And it’s up to you to make the best decisions to get the most desired consequences. Your friends and family are still there to support you,


but even they don’t have all the answers anymore.

Season Greetings

It's that time of the year again.
I've always loved Christmas time. As a Christian, Christmas is one of the most significant celebrations in all of human history, matched perhaps only by Easter. It is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus
Christ, the man we outrageously claim to be the Son of God; who came to earth to die for our sins so that we can be reconciled to God again.

Anyway, this years Christmas will be a particularly meaningful one for me. I'm getting baptized on Christmas day.

For those of you who don't know what that means, it's basically when a christian is dunked into water in the presence of the entire church. When he does this, magical properties in the blessed water will
transform you into a Mother Theresa like saint and you're officially allowed to rebuke people and exorcise demons. It also means that you're allowed to take a nibble at the last supper a.k.a 'super bread' that all Christians know make you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

But jokes aside..

Baptism IS a big deal, but not in the way I talk about above. There's nothing magical about the water nor the ceremony... And there's nothing magical about the communion bread that's taken either. Baptism is merely an outward sign of what Christians believe should have already be present within - and that's the presence of God and its transforming effects on our lives. Baptism doesn't 'make' you a Christian. Baptism isn't your passport to heaven and baptism doesn't make you any better than other unbaptised people.

Rather, baptism is YOUR outward act of profession to others that you are now a follower of Christ and submit to his will. It's about you 'dying to self' aka stop living like you're the king of your own life and being 'born into christ' aka acknowledging that you actually have a Big Boss upstairs you need to love and obey with all your heart.

There was a testimony I had to give to the pastor before we could proceed... And I gave a rather emotional one...which I will not repeat now. Suffice to say that for me personally in my own walk with God, this baptism will mean a lot to me....

God has a funny way of making things work out, not in the way we want, but the way he knows is best. And that has been true for me for the past ten years of my life. If you aren't a Christian, or you don't believe in God, or you think you're doing pretty well and don't really need God to start butting
into your affairs, I urge you to start exploring. Because whether you realize it or not, the love of God is already inside and all around each and every one of us.... You just need to know how to see it.

God bless you my friend...

Spurned

You know that feeling of having your hard work and effort all amount to nothing? To have it all go down the drain just like that after having pour out every bit of yourself for a cause? Well, that’s the shitty feeling I’m experiencing right now. Nothing dramatic, just some disappointment I faced recently.

Like a new lover eager to please his new love, I danced and played along and catered to her every whim and fancy. She asked for all sorts of things, made all sorts of demands. But she sprinkled words like ‘you’re so good’ or ‘you’re the best’..always hinting, always luring but never promising. Oh, how eager I was to believe those words, how quick I was to take it all in. How sweet her smile, how friendly her tone. She was all I wanted - the apple of my eye. I did everything she wanted. I gave her everything she asked for. I poured out my heart, my soul, my everything – awaiting the day she’d say to me that I was the one.

Later I realized that I was being ‘taken for a walk along the whole garden path’; meaning everything looks and feels nice, but doesn’t really lead you anywhere. But when you’re in the garden, everything’s nice and dandy; you believe with all your heart that a path this beautiful could only lead to someplace even more beautiful.

Then the silence comes… and the cold shoulder. She stops answering your calls, she doesn’t reply your emails, and she completely ignored you. You start to have doubts. Did I do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Something I did? You have no idea of knowing, but the silence just drives you mad.

And then, the dreaded day comes when you finally receive her phone call…

“I’m sorry… It it’s not you. It’s me. You’re really awesome… but I found someone else, and I really think he’s THE ONE. I’m sure you’ll make someone else really happy… but I’m afraid I’m not that person…”

And as you slowly feel your heart start to crumble into pieces, all you can say at this point is

“F**K YOU B**TCH!”

….… or so you think in your head.

But what you REALLY do (since you’re actually a decent human being), is just put your bravest most graceful smile and say

“It’s OK.. I understand. All the best to you.”…..

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how it feels like to be a sales person losing your first major order / tender.

:-P

What's Wrong With A Bit More?

The problem with ‘a bit more’ is…..

Every time we receive, we feel it’s not enough.

"I just need a little bit more.... just that bit more..then I'll have enough.” we say

And every time we do get that ‘bit more’, we find it’s not that much as we first thought.

“I need a bit more… just to survive.” we say

Then more comes and we do have enough to survive, but not enough to be comfortable

“I need a bit more… just to be comfortable.” we say

Then more comes and we do have enough to be comfortable, but not enough to be safe.

“I need a bit more…. just to be safe.” we say

Then more comes and we have enough to be safe… or so we thought, before realizing that the more we have, the more we need.

“Sorry, I STILL need a bit more…. just to be… whatever…….I just know I need it.” we say

On and on it goes….

Our appetites are insatiable. We are gluttons of ‘a bit more’. So much so, we forget that once upon a time, you and I got by with a lot less....... and still felt like we had everything we need in this world.

And that’s the problem with ‘a bit more’….

When You Kids Teach You How to Grow

I heard a statement that really made an impression on me recently.

“To parents: what is the purpose of having children?”

“To help YOU grow up.”

At first, it sounds so radical and counter intuitive. After all, isn’t it the children’s job to grow up? The parents are the ones that are the ‘grown ups’ right?

Your kids don’t teach you how to grow up, YOU teach your kids how to grow up.

But on deeper thought, it makes perfect sense. The speaker went on to say that “as a parent, you’d do anything for you children… to make them happy.” In essence, it means that parents are completely selfless. And another word for selflessness is LOVE.

Here’s the problem; selflessness is counter-intuitive. Our self-preserving nature calls for us to look out for our own interest, not of others. The first 20 to 30 years of our lives consist of us trying to life and a living for ourselves. We are taught to be concerned about our health, our grades, our career, our car, our house, our this.. our that... We learn how to preserve ourselves, to do what is best for US.

And then suddenly you find yourself a partner, and you now have to be sensitive to their feelings, their needs, their wants, their desires. I think we can agree that loving another person is a learning process. In its truest sense, loving someone takes a lot of effort, humility and selflessness…. None of which comes easily without effort.

Having kids just brings this to a whole different level. Now, you’re expect to put your everything, all your money, all your time, all your effort, all your attention, all your energy into raising a (or several) cretins that scream, shout, cry, shit and vomit around the clock. Sounds scary? You bet’cha..

I’m not a parent (yet) but I do have parents.. and I know enough to know that parents do indeed practically live for their children’s wellbeing. We know they put us before them. We know they make countless sacrifices for us. All children secretly acknowledge this fact even if we do not always say it out loud…. and I imagine that many parents have come a long long way from being carefree young people like you and me to the dependable, ever present stalwarts of our lives today.

How did they become who they are today? How did they become such mature, seasoned and steady characters? How did they ‘grow up’?

They had kids!

Disclaimer : This is by no means trying to encourage people eager to 'grow up' to start having kids. Neither should you be askig immature people to start having kids a'rite.. 

Things That Define You...

If you were asked to describe who you were, what would you say? What would be the definition of who you are? What is it exactly that defines you as a person? I ask myself that question sometimes…. I still can’t find a definitive statement that sums it all up.. But I DO know that there are some things that most certainly DON’T define who we are as a person.

Here are some I things that to me, have no bearing on how a person is defined:

- your job
- how much money you have
- what brand of cloths you wear
- what phone you use
- what car you drive
- Who you know
- Who your father is
- How popular you are
- How many friends you have on Facebook
- The title (if any) before your name
- Your paper qualifications
- The company you work for
- How many subordinates you have
- How polished you are
-

And things that possibly DO have some bearing are (in no particular order):

- Things you enjoy doing that have no financial benefit
- The friends you keep
- The friends you DON’T keep
- Your values in life
- Your decisions in life
- How you treat your family
- How you treat you friends
- How you treat strangers
- How you treat your ENEMIES
- What you do when no one is watching
- How often you keep your word / promises
- How often you forgive others
- Sacrifices you make
- Your relationship with God
- Your passion
- Your hobbies
-

It’s not a complete list…..…you got anything else to add?

Enemy Within

The words ring out loud in his mind. He tries to silence it out.. but it refuses to go away. It shouts at him, in the most silent but piercing sort of way…

“What I want to do…… I do not do, but what I hate………. I do.”

Words that were written centuries ago by someone else were now his. Like the author, he too had a thorn by his side.. like the author , he too had demons of his own to wrestle with. But unlike that great man from the good book who conquered demons within him and cast out demons in others, this man knew he had no chance. He had not the strength, he had not the determination… he had not the faith.

He was a slave to his own desires.. a prisoner to his sin. Not that he didn’t know how to control it… but that he didn’t want to….. and he didn’t know how to stop wanting what he wanted. He didn’t know how to stop doing the things he didn’t want to do.

And as he recalled those sweet sounding words whispering to him from afar… he could feel the rush coming over him all over again. He had been down this road before. The excitement, the fun, the anticipation, the mystery… the unknown was thrilling to him. Skirting on the edge of danger made him feel alive…. It was all too familiar to his ears..

And yet, his heart revolts. He is disgusted by his own wants and desire. Because deeper within, in his heart of hearts… he knows what he truly wants in life. He knows what truly matters… he knows what will make him happy; a life of purity.. a life righteousness, of goodness, of trust, of faithfulness, of love.

Not this… not this, that promises so much yet delivers so little. He knows. He knows that the false promises that keep him baited.. that keep him trapped in his own desires. But despite knowing it all… he still wants what he want… his lips take on a life of its own, his fingers move by themselves.. and his feet take him to places he know he shouldn’t be.

“Cut it off!...” his conscience screams.. “Cut it off!” Better one foot in heaven that 2 in the fire...

But it’s ignored.. locked up and buried deep within the recesses of his mind. He finds out that merely having a conscience isn’t enough to conquer a desire. And he finds himself at the very road he was trying to run away from.

He is powerless.. a prisoner of his own desire… and all he knows to do… is hope and pray to God to save him from himself……

Indeed, we are our own worst enemy.

Weddings Don't Matter

Wedding are such beautiful events. To witness two people declaring lifelong commitment to one another in the presence of friends, family, society and God almighty… it’s quite a special experience.

Wedding Industry

But something isn’t quite right with the way we are getting married these days. Did you know that there’s this entire wedding ‘industry’… and it consist of hotels, bridal galleries, wedding photographers, videographers, specialist wedding cake bakers, florist, make-up artist, card printers, decorators, planners, car rental services, music bands….. the list goes on and on. If you’ve gotten married recently or on the verge of it, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

What this people have done is made the whole process of getting married a money making process… hence the term industry. Nothing ‘wrong’ all of this of course….. in most cases, there is a genuine demand and a genuine supply for such services. People in the industry aren’t (always) greedy little goblins ready to bring you to the slaughter house the minute you mention ‘wedding’.

Over Glamorization

But there IS still something wrong. And that’s the over glamorization of weddings. Many brides (and brides-to-be) have been brainwashed into wanting this so called ‘perfect’ wedding. Full of glitz, full of glamour; beautiful gowns, fancy photo shoots, grand entrances, wedding favours, customized cards, sophisticated floral arrangements, expensive bridal cars, diamond studded wedding bands… the list is endless. We’ve all been brainwashed into buying this idea of what all weddings are supposed to look like – perfect. And that’s where the problem starts…

No Perfect Wedding

There is no perfect wedding. Anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. It’s Murphy’s law.. whoever Murphy is. The table colours will be wrong, or the rain will come, or the food will taste bad, or the band will screw up, the brides shoe will break or the priest will show up drunk (OK, maybe not). Whatever it is, something will not go the way things are planned. And couples freak out… tears are quick to follow… usually by the brides… because all they wanted is one day….one perfect day on their wedding, just like how they imagined when they were young… and even that got taken from them. So much time, so much effort, so much money, so much fuss spent on getting the wedding right..couples end up thinking more about their wedding than their marriage.

Wedding = Marriage?

Look at the wedding of the late Princess Diana. By all accounts a fairy tale wedding; it was televised to 750 million people (no Youtube back then), 600,000 people lined up outside the church to see her, her gown was 8 meters long worth 9000 GBP, her ring was with sapphire with 14 diamonds around it, her wedding cake was made by some royal baker in Belgium…She was literally marrying a prince. But still, it ended in infidelity, heartbreak and eventually death.

Not all of us are going to have such dramatic lives of course, but here’s the point – how good your wedding is has little to do with how good your marriage is. The wedding is for a day, but the marriage is for life. Yet before tying the knot, we end up spending the bulk of our time thinking about the wedding instead of the marriage. Something is wrong when we spend 6 months to a year thinking planning for one particular day, but only start thinking about the rest of our lives after its too late.


I know all of this is sounding so serious and gloomy.. especially when it’s about weddings. But by comparison, weddings are actually the easy part. Relationships are tough.. and I imagine marriage is probably the toughest of them all. We should give it more thought than the wedding.

When it’s all warm, fuzzy and romantic, there really isn’t much fault you can find in your partner at all. Her fair is perfect, his moustache is adorable, her whims are cute and his demands are noble….
Sure you have different opinions and different ways of doing things.. buy hey, it’s nothing your love can’t overcome right? Love conquers all baby….

But when the novelty has passed and disillusionment sets in, you wonder what happened to the person you thought you fell in love with.. you wonder why you never saw how different your values and beliefs really are, how different you handle money, how different your individual goals are, how different you imagined your marriage is supposed to be. You fight about money, family, holidays, roles and responsibilities… THEN you start to wonder if you’ve perhaps married the wrong person.

Of course, by then it’s too late because you already said ‘I do’.

Doesn't Matter Anyway

If you’ve just skimmed through everything I wrote above, then just read this summary:

Weddings aren’t that important. Maybe a lot of women and brides-to-be will want to murder me for saying that, but it’s true. I’m not saying it’s a complete waste of time. It isn’t. But it’s probably only 0.004% a part of your marriage. That’s the percentage of 1 day of the rest of the 60 years of your life.

What you’re better off doing instead of thinking about corsages, table arrangements, gowns and what have you, is to think about what it means to be a married couple for the rest of your life; what it means to go from becoming two to one; what it means to say for better or for worse; and what it REALLY means to say ‘I do’ in the presence of God. Talk about your plans together, your priorities, your outlook of money, what you each want out of life, your common values….If you're part of a church and they have marriage preparation courses, attend it. If not, talk to you parents, or long married couples... You’re opening a big can of worms of course, and you won’t be able to sort it all out immediately, but at least it’s the right direction.

If you can do that… if you can see things for what they are and not get confused over what’s truly important and prepare accordingly - then even if on your wedding day it rains, the photographer is lost, the band is missing and the bride trips and falls during the march in – you will still be blessed with a good marriage and a life happily ever after….

Congratulations to all our friends who are recently getting / got married. I won't wish for you a fantastic wedding.. but a lasting marriage. God bless you!

Cheers...

Bits of You... & Me

You know, I’m going to tell you something; I still read the things you write.

And I know this is going to sound so silly, but here and there, I wonder if some things you write... a few particular ones, are meant for me, or rather, meant at me. I don’t know if it’s just me thinking too much, being too self absorbed or just plain vain… but I can’t help it sometimes. Some things strike so close to the heart that I find it impossible to think that maybe… just maybe… I’m at the back (or front) of your mind when you write those words.

I’ve thought of saying something sometimes. A hundred and one thoughts, words and sentences race through my mind. But I hold back. Like you, I too wonder how thing would be like if we had said more… or perhaps less. With that in mind, I end up not saying anything at all, not because I have nothing to say, but because I’m terrified I’ll say the wrong things all over again. I guess I just really really want to make it work right this time round... if there is a 'this time' to be had. 

I’m tempted to try to put in words what and how exactly I feel, about what happened between you and me, about how thing are now between us, about how I hope things can be in the future. But I won’t. Because between feeling it, finding the words for it, writing it, you reading it, processing it and finally knowing it - what I feel, what I said, what you understood and what I mean would probably be lost in translation.

But even now as I look back at everything that happened, I feel compelled to say this; it meant a lot to me. It was something significant to me. You were, and still are, something significant to me - in a way I don't quite know how to define. Not that I'm still clinging on to the past or anything like that. Though I know only very little of the details of your life now, I am silently very happy to see you doing so well.... for having got where you are, for having met someone who seems to be able to love you for all that you are worth. In my heart, I have wished for you nothing but happiness and goodness. And that's been true since the start. Without wanting to sound overtly dramatic, I guess there is, and always will be, a piece of you I want to keep in my heart.. bits and pieces of the memory of things we said to one another, things we did together.. bits that despite everything else did feel real, and magical, and sincere and true....

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this, or why I'm even writing this.

But for some reason, despite being so busy for the past few weeks and months, despite hardly having time to even think or write or blog, despite just having experience so many exciting, life changing event.... when I finally find a moment of quiet and silence to myself... I find myself thinking about you.

Maybe that's just what I'm really try to say... that you know what?.... every now and then, I think of you too.

A Prayer The Night Before...

Dear God,

How will my life turn out from this day on? I have no idea. But you’ve led me this far. It’s only right that I let you lead me on. Thank you for bringing wonderful people into my life. Thank you for hard earned lessons, thank you for grace and forgiveness, thank you for second chances, thank you for love and friendship.

As I start this whole new chapter of my life, please help me. Help me be better than what I have been, help me learn from painful mistakes, so that they aren’t wasted. Help me be the best that I can and should be, for my own sake and for and for the ones I love. Help me still my turbulent heart – let it quiet down and settle. Let it learn peace and contentment. Let it no longer be torn and divided. Help me grow wiser. Help me forgive and love others, just as I have been loved and forgiven by others. Help me learn how to be Godly and righteous, in thought and in action. Let me not want the things I shouldn’t want. Let me want the things I should.

Give me wisdom, give me courage – to be the man I should; as a son, as a brother, and now as a husband.

Lead my heart, and let it be faithful. Let it no longer wander and stray as it so often does. Let it not lust and crave for temporary pleasures… Let it love and care for people and things that matter. Let it learn to love others in the right way, in the right amounts. Let the love that kindles in my heart and in this newly founded marriage be pure.

Teach me how to spend my walking closely to you. Indeed. You have been faithful to me, even when I have not been to you. Give faith and hope to the persons most precious to me. Lord you know who they are, even if they don’t know it themselves. Just like how you have allowed certain people to become a blessing to me in my life, let me also be a blessing to the people around me, so that I may give back even if it’s just in part, what I have received from others.

I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Sometimes, we find the answers instantly, other times it takes a long while before we do, and sometimes we just never do. But whichever it is, I do believe that You are behind it all; that behind every laugh, every cry, every tear and every song, you are at work.

And with that in mind, whatever happens tomorrow and the for the rest of my life, however things turn out, I leave it all in Your good hands.

In Jesus Christ I pray.

Amen.

Wedding Thoughts

Numerous people have asked how I’m feeling leading up to the wedding.

I was initially feeling pretty cool about it. After all, this was something my fiancee and I have been talking about and planning for over a year now. To think and talk about it again wasn’t exactly something that would send butterflies up our stomachs. In fact, we were somewhat amused at the reaction of the people around us when we made the announcement. We have been together a long long time, and I think most people thought it was just a matter of time before we tied the knot.


I don’t know if every marrying couple goes through this, but we were genuinely surprised not so much on how people react to it (which was positive) but rather the intensity to it. People would say to us “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re getting married! I’m so excited!”…….. or something along those lines.


I suspect maybe it’s because given our age, we are one of the earlier ones amongst our friends to actually be taking this next step. Hence the whole feeling of novelty is there… that one of their personal friends, and not some uncle or auntie’s son is getting married.


Some people in the older generation, knowing the hardship that my fiancee and I have individually gone through in life, seem to feel happy (and relief almost) that we seem to be emerging and moving on from the ghost of our past.


But in the end, what it really feels like personally for us is the feeling that actually, our friends and family love us, and are genuinely and sincerely happy for us and our union. People have come out to openly express how happy they are for us, how they feel so excited for us, and how they are there to help if we need any at all…


The excitement and enthusiasm rubs off, and suddenly, we feel excited too. But the excitement isn’t so much about the act of getting married, but the fact that a lot of different people, from different areas of our lives will be gathering together for a night just for our sakes. Relatives and friends from near and a far will all be there, some as far as the US….and when I think about it, it’s hard not to be moved. You see, in trying to finalize our guest list, we had to pick and choose who and how much they mean to us. But in making the commitment to come, even if it mean a 20 hour flight or 6 hour drive, we are shown how much we mean to them in return. And those who sincerely cannot be there go through great lengths to express their regret. Suddenly, there is this physical manifestation of the level of love people have for us.


And I guess that’s the part that gets me excited the most. That there are people who mean something to us, and that we mean something to them too...


So am I ready to get married?


Well... as ready as I'll ever be I guess....

Let me just check if I've been invited. :-P


Cheers.

More Than Meets The Eye

When I was a kid, one of my favourite cartoons was Transformers… and one of my favourite things about transformers was its tagline.. “More Than Meets the Eye”. They were basically robots from outer space camouflaging as ordinary vehicles.... and for some reason that appealed to me a lot. In fact it still does.

I’m a staunch believer of this – that there is almost always more than what meets the eye; both in things and in people. Things are always more to things than what they seem, people are always more than who you think they are; life’s never merely what you see on the surface. There’s always more. It’s a truth I have slowly but surely come to discover and appreciate.

Why has the phrase ‘more than meets the eye’ stuck with me since those childhood days? Maybe it has to do with the value I place on the importance of depth.

Maybe it’s just me behaving like a geek, but I do believe that anything / anyone that is worth knowing is worth knowing well. Any subject, any issue, any field, any friendship, any relationship, anything worth your time knowing, is worth knowing well.

People sometimes wonder why I ask so many questions sometimes, or why I seem to be interested in knowing all sorts of intricate details about people / things. I never really thought much about it until they asked, because asking, learning and getting to know things / people in a more intimate manner comes quite naturally to me.

I think it’s this; I cannot love what I do not know. Or put in another way, I want to know as much as possible about anything / anyone that interest me or that I care about. There is no other way to it. Not that I must know.. just that I would naturally want to know. The knowledge.. the intimate knowledge about that something / someone in turn makes me feel intimate with that person. The level of knowledge you are privy to is direction proportional to your level of intimacy with that person / thing.

For example, when I’m interest in a subject or new topic, I really spend hours upon hours on the internet reading, researching, watching videos, trying to understand, grasp, comprehend and appreciate the thing I’m trying to learn. I immerse myself in that subject.. in an almost obsessed like manner.

And when I’m interest in someone (in the purest sense of the word), I find myself wanting to know anything and everything about the person. Who they are, where they are from, what they are all about, what their quirks are, why they don’t like purple stripes, how they acquired their obsessions with buying bed sheets…..whatever it is that makes them…. THEM.

Does that make sense?

And when I finally feel like I have gone beyond that surface level of things, that I have seen more than what meets the eye, then only do I feel like I at least know something about that someone / something.

The flip side of this is that I realize that it sometimes intrudes on people’s privacy. When it’s me clapping with one hand, I end up crossing lines I shouldn’t by way asking questions I have no business asking, and wanting answers I have no business knowing. I have had to learn to control myself; to not ask too many questions to people I am unsure about else I drive them away even more.

And on the flip side, I often feel like there is so much more to me than what I have allowed people to see. My fiancee’s most constant comment about me is that the ‘me’ that she sees behind closed doors and in our most private moments is so much more than what the outside world sees. She says I’m so private I allow so little people to see the more intimate sides of me. Which I found hard to deny. The things I do are often more deliberate than they seem….because my usually choose to act in more subtle ways that other people. And for me, letting people in too see what’s inside is as deliberate as keeping the others out.

Or maybe I’m just acting out my childhood fantasy of being a Transformer.. Disguised as one thing on the outside, but truly another on the inside….. moving around everything holding a secret that there is more to me that what meets the eye.

Autobots assemble!

:-P

Cheers

The Important Stuff?

If I asked you to name what the truly important things in life are, what would you say?

Would you say family? Friends? Work? God? Money? What would it be? What do you think you need in order for your life to be well lived?

Some people know exactly what they want to be happy. Other people can't really be bothered. But people like me – I constantly find myself asking this question. People tell me not to think so much, but I find this to be a question we all eventually have to answer at some point. The answer to this seems to define who we are, how we think and the kind of choices we make in life.

Every decision we make in life in some way ties back to what we consider important to us.

3 people I know recently quit their jobs. They wanted to find a different kind of job; something that was less taxing; something that enabled them to be physically with their family more often, even if it meant taking a pay cut. Career and money wasn’t quite important to them as being physically present at home.

I found this act unthinkable. I felt it was a mistake. Because despite living in the 21st century, I still felt that a man’s primary role in the family was to protect and to provide. And since a man’s primary means of providing was his job, to actually commit career suicide and take on a dead end job was unacceptable to me. I love my family. But I felt the way to take care of them was to at least do well in providing.

But there was something there for me to think about. I wonder for a moment if perhaps they have got it right and I’ve got it wrong.

In one of our conversations, my fiancée said to me that money didn’t matter to her. As long as we were together and we had enough, she’s happy. And I felt immensely comforted by that. But it also just made me want to provide even better for such a wonderful person. Surely, she deserved it.

A few days back, I was sitting in the backseat of a car travelling through the rural areas of Thailand. The land seemed so detached from the rest of the world. No big commercial signboards asking you to buy this or buy that, no people with fancy cars and cloths walking around….. nothing around to suggest to you that perhaps your life would be happier if you had that something more (that you can buy for just $99.99 at your nearby department store). There were a bunch of kids running around bare footed and on bikes. I leaned forward in my seat to take a good look at them playing ‘kejar kejar’ (or catch). And against the orange sunset and green paddy fields, I couldn’t imagine anyone being any happier or contented than them. Just a week earlier sitting in a café in Singapore, I felt like I just needed to get that latest Blackberry phone before I could feel happy.

I leaned back at my seat and asked myself “What is this all for? If I make it good in life and give everyone everything they can want, will I have the kind of happiness these simple kids have? Is having more really going to give me more happiness?”

And even though my own answer to this question was “No, money doesn’t make you happy”, here I was chasing the dollar just like everyone else. Here I was busting my butt, working hard, travelling extensively, sacrificing weeknights and weekends, minding my career, all in the name of gaining more.

I asked myself if I ever could just let it all go and do what those three men did – get a dead end job and spend more time with your family. I few conversations with people about these things and I half joked that one day I would just quit and be a teacher. Some actually encouraged me to do so whereas the most of them said it wouldn’t be a surprise considering ‘its you’ (whatever that’s supposed to mean).

But my answer to myself was still no. Not because I don’t want to…… but because I dare not.

If I wasn’t providing for my family, I wouldn’t know what I would be doing. My identity has now tied back to my job more than I’d like it to.

Back at the hotel, I booted my computer and tried to write again (for the tenth time) what I thought really mattered in life. After a few paragraphs, I realized I was just regurgitating the same old stuff I had already said before. So I stopped.

I asked myself at which points in my life do I feel the most contented and happy. For some people it’s when they have achieved some sort of goal in life. But honestly, I have never harboured any sort of ‘things I must achieve’ in life. Believe it or not, I actually do not know where my life is leading, or where I want to end up. But I realized over the past year or so that my happiest and most memorable moments were always when particular relationships were blossoming or going well. And the most painful ones were almost always at the breakdown or deterioration of it. Healing only came to me when relationships were restored.

I guess relationships are one of the most important things to me.

Perhaps this is true for everyone else too…. but I wonder if this is more so for me than others.

Then I wondered again.. then why haven't I quit my job?

At the start of things..

“Things always look the most promising at the beginning of things.”

That IS the thing about new beginnings isn’t it. I can’t think of a time when hope shines any brighter than when at the start of things.

“When you’re at the start of things… all you can imagine when you close your eyes… is how brimming with potential everything is, how great and wonderful things are going to turn out……..”


“But then… life just sorts of… take over… and run its own course. And you find that things don’t always go the way you expect them to… things change, priorities change, PEOPLE… change… “

“Things don’t turn out the way we hope them to. We meet obstacles along the way, an detour, a delay, a change…. Somewhere along the line we always find ourselves having to accept that the things we vision in our head don’t always translate into the realities of this world

“And we sort of just thread along. We adapt, we compromise, we accept things as they are. We shrug our shoulders and say ‘Hey, life’s like that. Still gotta live right?’… And we go on.”

Sometimes I wish things could just stay the way they are right at the beginning.. full of positive vibes, full of hope, full of potential, full of promise. No compromises, no disappointment, no cold biting truth of reality that the dreams in your head often ended being just that - dreams.. 

Let Go..

You think you’ve got it all figured out, but you don’t. You think you know what you want, but you don’t. You think that you don’t care, but you will. You think that this feeling you have inside is all that matters, but it isn’t. You think everyone’s against you, they aren’t. You think the problem is that no one understands you. But in truth, the real problem is, you don’t understand yourself.

I feel your pain. Other people tell you to start using more of your head and less of your heart. But I disagree. Man cannot live life disregarding to his emotions. We are as much emotional beings as we are logical ones. To do only the ‘correct’ thing all the time every time robs us of our humanity, cheats us of our compassion. And to me, it is a good thing that you have chosen to go through life without denying what you feel inside. Many people take the less painful road of pretending they don’t feel what they feel in their hearts simply because it’s easier. And you have not.

You find yourself face with a tough choice to make.

You’re all gung ho now thinking how ready you are now to make a choice. But like I told you, there is a price to pay for everything decision you make in life. Hold your horses and give it some thought. How far are you willing to go? What is the price you are willing to pay? You may spend the rest of your life living with the effects of this decision. Are you prepared for that?

A lot of people will tell you to do this or do that. And you feel like they don’t really understand you enough to give you correct advice. And it’s true. They may not really know any better. They might be wrong in their opinion, but their intentions are right.

Make this decision and you must be prepared for the world to turn its back on you; you will be mocked, sneered and laughed at for making a bad choice. And though you may feel in your heart that it is in fact the right one, be prepared to swallow the bitter pill of being proven wrong.

Make that decision, and you can expect to receive nodding approvals from the world over; you’ll be patted on the back for finally coming to your senses and making good and sound decisions. But be prepared to see just how wrong other people can be.

It sounds impossible doesn’t it?

What I’m trying to say is, ultimately, it boils down to you. You must live with the decisions you make in life. There is no one to blame; not other people, not even yourself. It’s part of growing up. People often worry about making the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision in life.. Like it or not, you will have to make decisions at many crossroads in life. Some will be easy, some will be hard. Some will be merely academic, some will be critical. Some will have no consequences at all, some will be life changing… Some will lead you through muddy roads, some through smooth highways and some even to dead ends. Whichever ones you end up on, it is still you having to make the journey, not others.

To me, the ‘right’ decision simply means finding myself on the road I gladly thread on, be it in muddy roads, smooth highways or dead ends. A road travelled with a happy heart will always be the right one – wherever that leads you. You may have to pay or suffer much for it, you may find yourself having to make a U-turn, but if given a chance you’d still do it all over again, … I’d say the price you pay was well worth it. We like to imagine that there is this ‘one road’ that is the ‘right one’. But to me, what’s more important than which road you take is how you chose to journey it. A road – any road travelled in the right way, in the right spirit eventually becomes the right one.

You say you’re in love.

I’ll say this much; love is costly. And rightfully so. Everything ever worth having in this life will always come with a great price. You will be made to struggle, sacrifices, and fight for the things you want most badly. You will find yourself being tested to the very ends of your wits. If you say you’re in love, know that love will require you to make expensive sacrifices… sacrifices you will have to make at your own free will. And you don’t know if it’s ever going to pay off at all.

So let me ask you this…Are you sure you what you have is love? Or is it merely an infatuation? Have you really truly come to understand what it means to love someone…and be loved by someone…. not in the romantic I-love-you-like-the-moon-and-the-stars kind of love, but it a very real, sacrificial, unwavering, unconditional sort of way? True love always exhibits selflessness, sacrifice, forgiveness, kindness, humility and honesty. When you say you love this person, and that person loves you back… are there signs of these traits? Are you prepared to translate what you feel inside into real genuine acts on the outside?

Our hearts often get smothered with intense feelings of passion and euphoria.. and we call this love. But love is so much more than that. Love runs deep. It has roots. It’s hard to spot sometimes, because what we see and perceive of love is often only the surface part of it. The real difference is underneath, where the roots run downwards to form the foundation and give it the firmness and staying power. Depth; it’s the difference between a love that will last and love that withers.

You talk about how it’s God that’s putting all of this before you, punishing you for all the bad things you’ve done. You say it’s Karma. Karma means that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. You get as much as you give. And certainly, knowing the things you’ve done it’s easy to want to agree. But I don’t. I cannot believe in Karma. Because I’ve seen good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.

I believe that every obstacle put before us in life is meant for our growth. I believe that when we screw up and make wrong decisions, it’s a reminder of how flawed and imperfect we are, how we should always remain humble, how we should remember not to become arrogant in our ways, and how much we really need help from around and up above. And in some ways, I do believe that’s the lesson you’re meant to learn. You’ve been relying on yourself, relying on your strength thinking it’s what will make you strong. But it’s the very thing that’s causing your downfall. And as long as you pull through on your own, you will never learn the lesson of humility and of putting your truth in something or someone other than yourself.

Let go of the control Alex.

Whatever you choose to do, whatever happens to this love, the wisdom to choose, the courage to act and the strength to persevere will only come once you let go…

New Beginnings...

And in that brief little moment, everything just seemed to fade away. The sound of the world was drowned out, the worries of the world disappeared and all there was… was you, and me, and the promise of a new beginning….

Big Boys Toys

People say boys never grow up…. mainly because they will always have their toys. When I’m not busy being a manic-depressive-mentally-unstable-obscure-writer, or all-in-one-jack-of-all-trades-engineer-cum-salesman-cum-office-boy, I’m usually busy being a typical guy drooling and fantasizing over his favourite Victoria Secret Model IT gadget / toy….For me.. it’s mostly cameras, computers and mobile phones… Here’s the typical monologue I have with myself...

*WARNING: GEEK TALK BELOW*

9.30am : [Wake Up] I am SO going to get the new Nikon D3100 with 18~55mm zoom lens. And the 35mm f1.8 AFS..

10.30am : Just saw a few unboxing and review videos on youtube of the D3100.. AWESOMENESS! [Salivating]

10.40am : Nikon said available mid September… How come its not available at stores yet? [Impatient]

10.45am : [Checking out Shashinki] WOW, D90 prices have dropped because of the new D7000! Maybe I should get the D90 instead… Hmm….

11.00am : WHATS THIS?! D3000 selling for RM1700 plus only? O.M.G… maybe I should just get that…and wait… D5000 is only 2400 plus.. and has a swivel screen! That’s not bad too! [Start of headache]

11.05am : D3000 has no video and live view… But I don’t really want that.. or do I?

11.06am : Maybe I should just get a cheap body and buy better lenses. Ken Rockwell did say that the camera doesn’t matter.

11.07am : But Ken Rockwell ALSO said that the D3000 is hopeless and recommends the D5000 instead.

11.08am : But that cool Afro Hair guy, along with everyone else, says Ken Rockwell is an idiot.

11.09am : Yes, Ken Rockwell is an idiot.

11.30am : Ken Rockwell is a genius.

11.31am : Nope… Idiot…

11.32am : Ok… Maybe he’s an idiotic genius….

12.00pm : Haha… this FroKnowsPhoto dude is cool… I like that he gets his grandma involved. Maybe I should get an afro hair too.

1.00pm : OK, FroKnowsPhot dude is officially the coolest photographer I’ve ever come across…

2.00pm : So OK, let me try to summarize….

D3000 is better than what Ken Rockwell says, and its dirt cheap… and rightfully I SHOULD be able to take good pictures since its still a DSLR… But no live view, so the wifey may find it hard to use.

D5000 has a good CMOS sensor and a swivel screen, but external controls are limited… image quality same as the D90…Everythings seems half baked..

D90 is the uber choice.. old model, but solid body, great design, pentaprism viewfinder, commander mode on flash, sturdy.. not to mention so cool to carry around… but can’t afford it… and its HEAVY.

D3100… best bet still… new sensor, better controls, new Expeed 2 processor, good low noise performance, programmable function button! And affordable! But damn its taking so long to come out.. plus should I buy it without reading the reviews first?

Ken Rockwell gives practical advice, but is somewhat a genius bordering idiot. But he has won awards, so you can’t say he doesn’t know his stuff…

Jared Polin of FroKnowsPhoto is like…. super cool with his Afro hair. But he tells everyone to shoot in RAW.. permanently.. which I’m totally against…

Hmmm…..

3.00pm : What’s this? Canon EOS1000D selling for RM1588?? WTF?!!! That’s SO CHEAP! Maybe I should get that? And that 550D… man.. that looks pretty good.

3.05pm : But Canon doesn’t have Nikon’s cool 35mm f1.8 lens… which with after crop factor.. really makes it a 50mm equivalent…which is PERFECT… Hmmmm…. But Nikon takes out the focusing motor on the entry level cameras.... forcing everyone to buy their AF-S lenses….In some sense.. Nikon is EVIL..

3.20pm : [Reads the 35mm f1.8 lens review for the 10th time] I’m SO going to get this lens!!!

3.30pm : Nah, screw you Canon! It’s Nikon for me baby!!!

3.45pm : [OK, I so need to get back to work]

5.00pm : You know what….. forget about it. I’m not buying a camera. I shouldn’t. I should just learn how to be happy with my cute little Lumix…. after all, it’s working just fine, it has great zoom (x18 baby!), it has served me well….. and its really really small…

5.30pm : Ya. Just use the Lumix till it gives way. After all, it’s the PERSON who takes the pictures, not the camera. If I can’t take good pictures on this camera, it ain’t gona happen on a better one either. I should just let go of this obsession with DSLRs… [Contemplating + Headache]

6.00pm : [Moment of major life decision] *sniff sniff* Good bye dream.. I’m letting you go… Maybe some day I’ll have pockets deep enough and skills worthy enough… but for now… I can’t afford to have you in my life…. oh Digital Single Lens Reflex…Goodbye!

6.01pm : [Instant U-Turn] But damn.. the Lumix is hopeless in low light la..… noise levels are unbearable… and the depth of field… too wide.. Can’t do any bokeh… Can’t blur backgrounds…I think I STILL need a DSLR leh!!! I just want good pictures, not too much to ask kua… Even a clanky old D80 will do lah!

6.02pm : [Resurrecting the dream] Welcome back dream! It’s alive! It’s alive! Hallelujah! Aduh... =_=”

11.00pm : [Going to sleep] I am SO going to get the new Nikon D3100 with 18~55mm zoom lens. And the 35mm f1.8 AFS..

[Repeat next day...]

I swear I’ve gone through this thought pattern like……..a hundred times.

But it’s nothing new really… I confuse myself on a daily basis…

(If you don’t understand a word I typed.. don’t panic… it’s really just camera talk)