Eyes of the Beholder

Cause you’re beautiful my love
When I close my eyes
You’re beautiful my love
Under heaven’s skies

Collective Soul - Under Heaven's Sky

Think about when a woman looks her best, and we normally think of a woman that is nicely dolled up, full make up, stunning dress, matching accessories, perfectly manicured fingernails, gorgeous hairdo, killer shoes and a cute little handbag to top it all off. That's when a woman is supposed to radiate beauty right?

But it IS said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

You know at what moment I find a woman to be her most beautiful? When she smiles. When she looks at you, you look at her back, and she smiles. That's when I find her so beautiful. I'm a real sucker for that. Take a deep look into my eyes and just smile and I'm done for. There's something about the notion of another person being able to find joy by looking into your eyes.. ....just melts me. And I find myself thinking 'this is such a wonderful, warm and ultimately beautiful person'. It's almost as if happiness makes a person beautiful. It's almost as if the only things you need to do to stay beautiful (and youthful) in just by living, loving, and laugh...

You know what time of the day I find women to be at her most beautiful? In the morning. Yes.. morning.. with her hair all messy and tangled up, no make up, no mascara, no expensive perfume... just the peaceful, calm and contented look on their face after a good nights sleep... untroubled by worries and problems of the day (though that usually returns the minute she starts looking at her watch)... But while the moment last, I think the look of peace and contentment is also beautiful. Problems trouble us, make us worry, and often bring out the ugly sides of us. When a person is not forced into a corner, when a person is untroubled.. they get the chance to lower their guard... and you see... from the look on their face.. the beauty that lies beneath.


You're beautiful my love.. under heaven's skies.

On a Quiet Saturday Night

I sit alone in my room with earphones plugged into my ear. I settle in half watching the TV muted, half appreciating the soft sounds of the piano from my playlist. Not doing anything really… Just sitting down thinking… if you can believe that.

I think a lot. More than what’s good for me… I think. It’s Saturday night. I ask myself why am I not out there enjoying the vibrant and exciting night life that Singapore has to offer. I tell myself I should be thrifty. No point spending booze and clubs when that same money is so needed elsewhere. I tell myself that a guy like me actually prefers a cozy night in with a good book and a hot cup of cocoa. But the truth is, when you’re alone, you don’t really feel like doing anything.

I’m not one of those kinds of people that can have a perfectly good time all by themselves. I know of friends who see a solo trip around the world as a dream come true. But it’s quite the opposite for me. Special moments in your life are never meant to be spent alone. I find no joy in experiencing a wonderful moment if there isn’t a person to share it with, however awesome. Don’t you think it’s miserable if you stood before the most breathtaking sight on earth, but there was no one there to appreciate the splendor of it all with you? On the other hand, even hard and miserable times becomes a moment to hold with special significance if there was someone there with you.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just needy. But I have come to realize and truly cherish the value of companionship.

I think I get pretty miserable when I’m alone sometimes. I was having coffee with a friend recently….. and somewhere along the conversation, she said “my phone can be totally silent for days….... no one calls me. I don’t understand how some people seem to be on the phone all the time”. I identified only too well with what she said. I too stare at my phone sometimes…… wondering why no one ever calls, no one ever says hello. And when it does, you just get annoyed, because it’s not the person you want to hear from.

I’m partly (if not totally) to blame actually. See, I’m picky with friends. I admit it. There are the people I deliberately stay away from, and there are the ones I go all out to befriend. Not that I think some are not good enough for me or anything like that. Just that I want friends that I can truly connect with. Friends I can have fulfilling and meaningful relationships; one that is not shallow and superficial. And while I do appreciate having activity partners and just a bunch of people to joke and talk rubbish with (as with my old bunch of friends), in the long run I find myself feeling disconnected from them. I need meaningful conversations, I need honest sharing, I need sincere care. I think a lot of people find that sort of stuff to be too heavy all the time.. which I totally agree. But to me, it is the mark of a meaningful and enduring relationship. In any relationship – siblings, parents, friends or lovers – you cannot remain relevant to one another if you do not share the things close to your heart with one another. If they do not know, they cannot be a part of it. If they are not a part of it.. and eventually… they stop becoming a part of you. And since there is only so many people I have been willing to share my heart with, there is only so many people I truly call friends.

A friend asked me if I would be in KL for the weekend. I said no. I noted ironically that all my family, my friends and my entire life is in KL, but all my work is in Singapore. It feels like my life has been split in two. And since I’m not really working in Singapore per se… but merely been seconded here on a pseudo temporary basis (which basically means I have no idea how long I will be here at all), I have been reluctant to take root. The only people I’ve managed to befriend are actually the hotel staff. I’m a regular guest by now. They even know which room I like. :-S

Even if I wanted to start making friends, I wouldn’t be sure where to start. I have like… ONE known friend working in Singapore… and frankly, that person belonged in the category of people I stay away from. Feels wrong to make use of them when I have no real desire to actually befriend them. A few other ideas came up… someone suggested I attend one of the churches here. No doubt, churches would immediately welcome newcomers with arms wide open…… but I felt a bit apprehensive. I already have a few super holy friends. Deeply religious people sort of intimidate me. Every time I’m with them, I feel pressured and compelled to live up to their standards of Godliness. Which isn’t bad in the most righteous sense… but you can’t really let your hair loose so to speak. Then I though perhaps I’d try checking out the bars or pubs around town. Perhaps people who frequent such places would be a bit more casual. The problem with places like Singapore and Asia is, you seldom go to a bar alone. People usually go with someone, whereas in western cultures, it’s perfectly normal to go to a bar to meet people and make friends. Over here, if you are a guy and you try to chat a woman up, they’ll think you are a creep. If you try to chat a guy up… well, lets not go there tonight.

I duno.. I’m just whining. I actually know exactly what I want. In the day, I want relaxed conversations over a cup of Americano coffee and lounge music. In the night, I want a pint of hooegarden, fun conversation and a live band. Coffee and beer are simple enough to find. But finding someone who knows how hold a decent conversation – that’s bloody hard. And I’m too lazy to start finding such a person over here.

Uni Honour Roll

Sometimes, the papers just confirm my worst fears about Malaysia... that we are bunch of 'syok-sendiri', jaguh kampung boys.

This is rather old news, but I didn't have time to write about it up till now. The Star published an article proudly proclaiming that 5 of our local universities made it to the top 100 of the Best Universities in Asia. It proudly proclaimed that UM at No.42,UKM ranked 58 and USM ranked 69, UPM ranked 77 and UTM ranked 82.

I got curious, and decided to take a look at the full list. Here's what struck me... Japan has almost 30 over in that list, China has  11 BUT...... Hong Kong has 3 universities in the 5. Singapore's has two in the top twenty. NUS comes in at No. 3! Can you imagine? Hong Kong has only around 7 million people yet they are right there on top. Singapore has a population of around 5 million is also right there on top. I was in Singapore when I read the article, and a quick check with the Singaporean newspapers reveal that, you know what? It's not exactly front page news. This achievement did not come as a surprise. After all, excellence was what they aimed after.... expected even. I don't know about in Hong Kong, but I'm pretty sure it's similar there too. Even Thailand has a university higher ranked on the list

And here we are tooting our own horn, proclaiming that Malaysian universities... quite good wat.... top 100 man! Wah Seh!!... And we're still higher than Indonesia! Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Papua New Guinea and Mongolia not even on the list leh.....We got five you know!

What does it say about us if UM, our supposedly top university in the country ranks at 42, and we are actually happy about it?

We should stop patting ourselves in the back so much and start asking ourselves why we aren't higher on the list. If we pride ourselves in being one of the top rising nations in South East Asia, why are we so happy at this result, when our neighbors Hong Kong and Singapore are right up there par excellence despite having such a tiny pool of talents to rely on?

We all know just how good (Read : Bad) our local universities are, barring a few individual excepts here and there in respective faculties. That's why a lot of people who can afford it inevitably send their children overseas to study. Those who don't have that option are left to the mercy of our local education system.... otherwise you should just get home schooled. We KNOW the quality simply just isn't there. Don't believe me? Just check the English literacy level of fresh graduates and you will have your proof.

There is one saving grace. Great minds usually have a way of surviving bad training. And I believe that is why you still see bright, intelligent and capable people coming out of universities. Not so much to the credit of the institution, but by their own mettle & hard work. There are plenty and plenty of capable Malaysians with world class calibre - friends, acquaintances & relatives we know are talented and good.

The good will always remain good, regardless of where they go. It is the job of a good university, is to make the good even better.


And that is what the Malaysian universities themselves need to strive to be - even better.

Is there a university for universities?

Mr Hyde & Me

Have you ever heard of the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde? Have you ever felt like there are parts of you that are bright, pure and good, but there also exist a part that is dark, sinister and malicious even. Do you ever find that there is conflict in your heart? That it is often divided between the you that is selfless, loving and godly, and the you that is self serving, lusty and bad?

Personally, I believe that there is darker side to everyone. There is a Mr. Hyde in all of us. We all have skeletons in our closet, we all have things we have done, thoughts we have had, urges we have had that are less than pure. Wants and desires that we secretly harbour in our hearts that never see the light of day. Have you ever done things you aren’t supposed to do? Have you ever coveted things that belong to others? Have you ever lusted or longed for people and things that you should really stay far far away from? Have you ever acted on these desires? I’m sure everyone has……. and so have I.

As a generally mild mannered and good natured person, I suspect that people seldom stop to wonder if there is a darker side to me. But there is……. I have done many things I’m not proud of. Things I don’t tell people about. Secret thoughts and acts that you’d never imagine a person like me would do. I cannot say that I was helpless in doing these things. I cannot say I was the victim in all that happened. At best, I will say that it was all done in a moment of weakness. But in truth, it happened not just because I allowed it, but because I wanted it. There are things I continue to do despite knowing I shouldn’t because deep down, I’m still not willing to stop.

What are some of the things I have done?

Lets see… I’ve cheated on my partner before. I have gotten involved with other women before, I have gone on secret dates with other women.  I surf porn whenever I’m horny, I fantasize about other women, I like swearing with four lettered words when I’m angry, and I keep a secret blog to write out the sexually charged and lusty thoughts & actions I have. I have hid things from my family. I have played truant from work before, I have wished I was with someone else, I have been jealous and envious of the wealth of others, the smooth sailing nature of their life, their great jobs, their high pay, people who have travelled the world, people who have more friends, people who seem to have more exciting lives, I have scream and shouted at my own mother, slapped her even. I have stolen money (when I was 10). I have shop lifted (when I was 8), and I have made my partner go through not one… but TWO abortions. That’s right. I should have been a father two times over by now actually.

Why am I confessing all this things now? Because the bloody namesake of this blog is ‘If I’m Being Honest’.. and if I really am being honest with you, I cannot hide all these things which despite being not so honourable & good, are still a part of me. It is also me being honest with myself more than anything. My blog header writes “There world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins....” And that’s what I’m trying to do now… being brutally honest with myself.


I go back and forth between longing and wanting for these things and believing that I am happy as I am. Some days I wake up genuinely happy and contented, thanking my lucky stars for all that I have, other days I wish I had more, I find myself still wanting these things. It’s a constant struggle. A big reason the bad parts are often shielded away from others is that I don’t want to be seen as a ‘bad’ or ‘dirty’ person. But I cannot deny that I am both. I might be a cheating, lying, secretive and horny bastard, but I am a person who fears and believe in God, in the importance of kindness, forgiveness, patience and love, who genuinely cares about the welfare of others. But people usually remember the first part and forget the second. And that scares me. That people see you for all the bad that you are, disregarding all the good in you.

I’m not going to start writing as if I’m some enlightened soul who has found his meaning, strength and purpose in life through all these mistakes. I’m not going to quote some wise saying or bible verse on how I have learned from all this. I’m not even going to say I’m done with my wayward ways and that I’ve turned a new leaf.

I’m just saying that this is who I am. I am flawed. I have made mistakes…. many of which I have been very good at covering up. But I do have a conscience of my own, and not a day goes by that I do not struggle and strive to do what my heart tells me is the right thing. Some days I triumph. But many times, I fail again and again. But my ultimate aim is not to conquer myself by not doing all the wrong things that I so desire. Instead, it is my belief that I must transform myself into a person who does all the right things, because that’s my desire. I want to want the right things.

It stifles me if I think you think I’m some sort of angel. It’s tiring trying to live up to other people’s expectations and impression of us, especially if it’s all only the good stuff. And I feel a sense of detachment if I feel like I can only talk to you about prim and proper stuff – no sex, no swearing, no admission of wrong doing. Camaraderie is all fine and fun, but the absence of honesty and frankness will always create a void. And that void is the distance between who you think I am, and what truly is.

So, reject me, scorn me and frown at me for all the misdeeds that I have done if you will. But please also accept me and love me for who I am. Trust that although I am a work in progress, my heart is true, I bring no ill will to man, and that I will accept you as who you are too.

Then maybe.... you and I will start to know one another, as we truly are.

When Words Get in the Way...

But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside
And, if you look in my eyes
We might fall in love again
I won't even start to cry
And, before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you"
But the words got in the way

Words Get In the Way - Gloria Estefan 

***********

For a person who loves words as much as I do, there have been times in my life when the words don't just fail.... they get in the way. I used to be quick in expressing my feelings. I'd almost always say how I felt. Over the years, I find myself pausing more often, taking the time to find the right words to say, in the right manner to truly reflect how I feel inside. But I found that sometimes, there are no words to describe the feeling, no words to reflect the intensity, no words to do justice to the complex emotions.

It was when words failed me that I reached out and grabbed your hand; brushed you hair; touched your face; held your waist and kissed your lips. You might never have understood it, but there was a lot more said in those touches than all the words ever whispered between us.

I was just trying to say 'I love you'....  but the 3 words just got in the way.

Scratch & Bruises

I bought a new phone for myself today. I finally did it after 2 weeks of debating whether or not I should at all. The old phone one I had finally went kaput. Needless to say, I've been spending half the day tinkering around with my new toy. Holding it gingerly in my hands, I made a pledge to properly take care of this little piece of possession. I vowed to properly preserve and protect it from scratches, falls, direct sunlight, rain, harsh weather and any sort of general misuse, to the best of my ability.

Best of my ability means I'll basically treat it like gold in the first month and start dropping, scratching and throwing it around thereon after.

I'm lousy at keeping taking care of things. Give me a nice shiny, gloss piece of equipment and I'll turn it into something that looked like it got vomited out of a sick goat with half a set of teeth in no time. I remember buying my first camera a few years ago. I swore I'd keep this baby in mint condition for as long as it was mine. Today, it has scratch and bruises everywhere, with dust all accumulated at the edges. Still love it to bits thought. In fact, I feel kind of proud of it. It's the kind of thing you can look at and say "Now THAT's a well used piece of equipment." You just know it isn't there for display only. But then again, some might say "Look at the idiot who owns this camera - doesn't know how to take care of things." If somethings important to you, you take good care of it.

I couldn't agree more.

But here's the thing.

I believe in loving people, and using things. Not the other way around.

People are important to me. Not things.

Broken things are easy to fix. If you can't fix it, you can get a new one

But broken hearts are slow to heal. And we all got only one.

The Day Finger Pickers Took Over the World

I'm actually a big fan of Tommy Emmanuel the Australian guitarist. The guys an amazing one man show. And if you play the guitar, you'll be able to appreciate just how mind boggling (and not to mention totally awesome) it really is for one single person to be able to manipulate the guitar like that.

He took this song, written and played by Mason Williams decades ago:



And played it in his own super amazing way and this is what you get, raw, real and live:



I know there are plenty of other great guitarist out there... but I'm pretty sure no one finger picks like he does... I don't know if he's Catholic, but he's practically the Patron Saint of Finger Pickers.

Life of a Con Man

It's funny how every time there's a report in the news about the fake billionaire Elie Youssef Najem, a post I wrote about him on my old blog suddenly gets a surge of traffic, which then leads them to this particular blog.

This guy Elie has been real busy... First  he pledges a gozillian dollars to build a cancer research hospital, some years later he gets caught handling fake US dollars (he had USD500 notes, USD100,000 and USD1,000,000 notes....... when the highest USD note available is actually only USD100), and forces his wife to film them having sex. Kinky stuff eh? Later we find out that his wife isn't his wife at all, and their marriage is annulled. A day later he's charged in court for khalwat in a dodgy hotel in a dodgy part of town with an even more dodgy woman, 49 years of age (Told you he's kinky). Now he's being charged by the Malaysian court for breaching his social visit pass terms by claiming to be a director of a local company.

Although he claims to be a director, even the courts know this guy is in fact a con man of the highest (or lowest) order. He's being charged with Regulation 11 (7) of the Immigration Regulations 1963 for engaging in a professional occupation while on a social visit pass.

I didn't know the court recognized 'Con Man'  as a professional occupation.

Junk food the Facebook way...

Let's admit it, Facebook brings out the narcissist in all of us.


Today, it's Facebook, yesterday it was Myspace, and way before that it was Friendster. It's not so much about Facebook or any particular social networking website itself than it is our perpetual need as human beings to be affirmed that we are part of society. We need our lives to be constantly acknowledged for us to feel we exist. Granted, that need has always been there way before any of this ever existed, but I just can't help but feel that things such as Facebook has just turned that desire into something ugly.

Once upon a time, you feel acknowledged and reaffirmed when someone pats you on the shoulder, someone calls you on the phone, someone meets you up for coffee. Now, we post stuff up on our profiles and wait for people to say something about it. How many times have you eagerly logged onto your Facebook account just to check if anyone left a comment or a 'Like' sign on the latest photo or post that you made? How many times have you secretly wondered why no one has said anything about your latest status update? How many times have you gotten a kick out of knowing that so many people seem to be interested in the things you have to say and share? If you've ever done any one of these things, even once, you know what I mean.

And what do you make of people who seem to be posting something on Facebook all the time? It's one thing to have interesting things you want to say or post online, but please explain the need to update the whole world on how your lunch tasted, what time you woke up in the morning, and when you saw the Mamak dig his nose making your roti canai? It's narcissism.

I have this nagging sensation that it is the people who don't (or hardly) ever Facebook at all that lead fuller, more proper lives. I may be wrong.... but a good number of people I have on my friends list do not Facebook at all. They have an account, but they don't actually do anything with it. They are all busy living out there in the world of sight, scent, sound and touch... not in this virtual reality of endless 'like''s, LOL's, videos and comments.

I'm not saying if you Facebook regularly you're a hopeless narcissist. And I'm not saying if you Facebook, you've got no life either. Heck, even I do it. I think Facebook is fun. You get to share videos, see your friends photos and say whatever you want to anyone and everyone so easily. It really is a fantastic way to connect to everyone instantly. This was impossible 15 years ago.

But looking at the way many of us use it, I just think that getting into the world of Facebook is a little like eating junk food. A bit is fun. A lot is indulgence. Too much just makes you feel like shit and you get fat and lazy Whichever way, it's still rubbish.

Ironically, I'll probably post this up on Facebook for everyone to read and wait eagerly for someone to like it or drop a comment....  :-P

Don't shoot me.

A Worry, A Hope, A Faith

I've been having a lot of doubts and worries lately.

And all boils squarely down to one thing - providing, and providing well.

I find myself in a very different position when compared to other friends who are around my age. Most of them are single or just dating, well into their first or second jobs, live under their parents room, and have no one to support other than themselves. They save money, spend on themselves going on holidays, buying the coolest gadgets, Saturday night drinks... living every bit of the yuppie lifestyle  many of us imagine ourselves having once we start work.

And on the other end, there is me. I owe my boss money, I owe the government money, I owe relatives money and I owe the bank money. I live on my own, I pay my own rent, I pay for my own car, and I pay all the bills. On top of that, I'm supporting a penniless and homeless father-in-law-to-be, I'm supporting a 20 year old brother-in-law-to-be and I'm supporting my mothers living expenses. On top of it all, I'm saving up money to fund for my own wedding AND honeymoon at the end of this year, I promised my fiancee we'd go backpacking in Europe within the next 2 years, and I seriously want to visit Australia.

And now, everyone's telling us we should seriously buy a house within the next 2 years before anything half decent becomes too expensive to afford. Have you ever tried looking at the kind of interests banks charge for a home loan??? Damn......

I know I'm not in this alone. My fiancee is helping out too, and so is my brother. But I feel the bulk of the pressure dropping mainly on me. After all, I am supposed to be the head of the home, I am supposed to be the breadwinner. Where the hell am I supposed to find the money?

They all pat me on the back and tell me don't worry. They tell me I'm doing well for a person my age. They remind me that I'm earning a healthly sum of money. True, I do earn a good salary. But I'm up to my neck in debts too. It all evens out. After paying off every relative, institution and bank, I'm still back to square one. I sit down and do the math - there is so much I am going to make over the next 2 years. There is only so much I can borrow. Add it all up, and it looks pretty much like a lifetime of debt.


I feel pressure to do something.. anything... to make things happen. I re-look at my job. I'm like my job. It's paying well. But what about 5 years from now? What about 10 years from now. Will this cute little outfit be able to pay me the kind of money I feel I need to be earning in 10 years time? What if I just stay on, and it all comes to naught? What if all my talents, ability and potential is never put to good use? One of my biggest fears has always been of underachievement. I don't want to reach the end of my life believing that I could have done so much more. It's no way to live life.

Maybe I should look at other things? Another job? One that will pay me ridiculous sums of money? What about doing insurance? Some people I know have gone on to earn 5 figure salaries within 3 years. Multi Level Marketing? There's always someone wanting to recruit you. Start a business maybe? Sell food? Open a cafe? Start selling Char Koay Teow? I heard some of them drive Mercedes cars. But I'd have to learn how to cook first. What about going overseas? Maybe I should get a job in Singapore. Or perhaps get a oil and gas job in the middle east. What about Oil rigs? They pay USD300 A DAY. That's an obscene amount of money, but you really put your life on the line, not to mention it staying in the middle of the sea for 2 weeks with no communication to the outside world tends to mess with your head.


Sigh.....

That's typically what's been going through my head. The world is your oyster. Every person is free to make his / her own choices in life. If you want to achieve something, the sky is your limit. But everything still boils down to the choices you make. More than anything else, it is your choices in life that defines you. The choices we make tell a lot about the kind of person we are. The problem with choices is that, you never know where it will lead to. You can only tell as far as one step ahead, but no more. It was Winston Churchill who said that  "It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.”

And yet we are told that in everything that we do, begin with the end in mind. I look at the next 10 years of my life and at it's core, I know the things I want in my life. The problem is just this - I don't know how I'm going to get there, or if I ever will. But I know I must try the best I can. The deep fear in me is that my best may turn out to be not good enough; that if I never achieve anything in my life, it wasn't because I did not live up to my full potential, but that my full potential was simply not that much. I'm not sure how I will take that.

I know where I want to end up. I have ready feet. But I don't know how to get there. I am overcomed by a surge of panic... and finally, I confide in my fiancee. I tell her these deepest fears I have. I tell her I'm not as capable as she thinks. I tell her I don't think I can give her the life she envisions.

She strokes my head, holds my head and gives me a hug.

I believe in you, she tells me. Then she starts to sing. God will make a way, when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me. He will be my guide. Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, he will make a way.

And I am soothed. My turbulent heart calms down a bit.

She's right. She's always right.


Every blessing that I have today came from God. I know this because nothing I have achieved today was ever planned. I didn't plan for this job, I didn't plan for this life, I didn't plan for all the things I have right now, I didn't plan for problems at home to be solved. Every blessing that has come to me today, came on it's own accord. They were not from my capability or doings. I could never have done this on my own. Life really takes you on a journey of its own.

Why have I suddenly felt like it was within my power & ability to run my life with my own means for the next ten years when everything that has happen in the last ten had nothing to do with me? Maybe this was what they meant when they said to walk by faith and not by sight.

As easy as the blessings came, they might be taken away one day. I suddenly realized that. At any moment now, life might suddenly turn for the worse and all this pursuit of money will seem so petty and useless. Or it could get better and I am blessed with riches far beyond my imagination. Either way, I realized it's less in my hands that I first thought. If you believe that everyone has has a destiny in life, then believe that that destiny lies squarely in the hands of God and not you.

So, do what you will with my life dear God - You've been doing it all along anyway. Get me a mansion or move me into the ghettos. Bless me with good health or plague me with sickness. Shower me with love or smite me with lightning. Give me blessings and I will pray and thank you. Throw me hardship, and I will pray for strength. Either way, I commit everything into Your good hands.

Wasn't it the wisest man who ever lived who said:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

 Proverbs 3:5-6

Cops, Robbers & Boys

Everyone's talking about the 15 year old boy who got shot by the police these days.

The story goes something like this:

It's 2a.m. in the morning. The police are doing a routine road block in Shah Alam in a neighbourhood well known for robberies and break ins. A car tries to escape the road block and the police give chase. A 6km pursuit follows in which half a dozen red lights are broken, a motorcyclist is nearly knocked before the police finally brings the car to a stop. The police approach the car by foot, but the car reverses, in what seems like an attempt to run them over. The police draw their gun out and open fire. One person from the car runs away, while the other is shot dead. Then, they discover, that it was in fact, a 15 year old boy.

To start, it's really so so tragic that a young boy had to die so needlessly. There was no crime (except perhaps driving illegally without a license). And even if there was, there was hardly any need for a life to be taken.

Understandably, a lot of people are upset.The integrity and reliability of the police force is immediately called into question. 'Trigger happy' is added to the long list of defamatory labels Malaysians already associate with the police. The family says they want the truth to come and and justice to be served. They've hired no less a big shot than Karpal Singh to look into the matter (how come he has to get involved in everything anyway?). I agree that the truth must come out and that can only be done once the facts of the case are fully revealed. The high profile nature of the case will undoubtedly make sure no cover up is attempted.

But what kind of truth does the family (and the rest of the blood thirsty nation) hope to uncover anyway? The core facts of the case does not change. The boy ran from the police. The police assumed the worst. They open fired at a vehicle driven by someone they presume to be extremely dangerous. The boy dies and the police discovered their mistake only too late. Unless you think the police deliberately shot a 15 year old boy in cold blood (which is totally absurd), I don't think the full blown investigation is going to reveal anything new. More than justice, I think the family want compensation (which isn't unfair). And the nation.......well, they just want blood and another good excuse to bash to police.

I'm not the biggest fan of the Royal Malaysian Police Force, but in this particular case, I do sympathize with them. Contrary to popular belief, police aren't just a bunch of donut munching fatso's looking for their next victom to squeeze ang pow money from. It's easy for those of us who draw a good pay just by sitting our butts in an air conditioned office to criticize. But for the meager pay they receive, the police really do put their life in harms way to protect our people. The gun they sling around their waste though hardly ever used, isn't there without a reason.

There are a lot of hardcore bad asses lurking around. Remember just a few weeks ago, an armed robber shot dead his own accomplice just to keep his own identity secret. This happened not 10 minutes away from my home.... and the robber is still on the loose. The public gets frightened.... heck, I got frightened. And who do we expect to apprehend hardcore criminals like that? THE POLICE RIGHT?

So fast forward to last week.. the said criminal is STILL ON THE LOOSE and the police are certainly still looking for him. And suddenly, you have this car trying to get away at all cost to avoid capture. What do you expect our men in blue to assume? "Oh... maybe it's just some kids frightened because they don't have a driving license and their moms will so kill them if they find out." Gee... you think so?

What if the car had indeed been driven by the same trigger happy criminal? What if one of the police had been shot dead even before they could even approach the vehicle? What do you think today's headlines will be? "Hardcore criminal got away - AGAIN."; "Cops Let Robber Get Away"....... If a policeman had died, do you think people would be in an uproar? Do you think their families will engage Karpal Singh to demand better pay, equipment and protection for the police force? Of course not. They are being paid after all right? And surely, they should have known the risk when taking the job right? Right.....

So.... why did the boy run? Why did he try to reverse into the police? Surely he should have known the risk when deciding to run from the police right? Wrong..... No, no, no...that's not fair. He's just a kid that didn't know better. That's true. He didn't know better. And so did the police when they opened fire. They didn't know better too. There was no way they could have given the circumstances. There is a difference between committing a wrong and making an honest mistake.

Intentional or not, a mistake was made. Out of compassion more than guilt, the family should be compensated in some way even if the deed cannot be undone and their son can never be brought back. For the police officer who pulled the trigger, whatever punishment awaits him (if any is due) it certainly cannot outweigh the agony he must be feeling over taking away the life of a young boy needlessly. Has anyone stopped to wonder how his family is coping with all of this?

You can assign blame, and it will most likely go to the police, but there are no winners in this tragedy. Punishment to the officer will be but a small consolation... he will be haunted for life, his entire career will be ruined... and the family of the deceased will not gain the peace of mind they seek nor find any meaning in all of it.

I think only God can give them that.

My condolences to all who suffered in this tragedy.

Loving Only Humans

Intelligent, well versed, witty even. My thoughts lingered to my father this morning as I sat and watch the pastor give his weekly sermon.

He was no more than 30-ish - well into the prime of his life actually. Here he was expounding all the intricate details of The Good Book to a crowd that consisted of people mostly twice his age. And yet he spoke with great conviction and courage for the things he had to say were hard to say, but harder still to hear.

About 30 years earlier, it was my father who stood before this very stage. Preaching the Word of God to a congregation that consisted of mostly his peers - young adults that eventually grew old and became the elders of the church today. I look at the pastor today and imagined how it was for my father when he did the preaching. Back then, my brother and I were just toddlers. My mother would sit in the front row minding the both of us. According to my mother, my brother was a restless little bugger who sometimes crawled/sprinted out onto the stage as my father was giving his sermon and my father had to stop a while to shoo him back to the seats - much to the amusement of the crowd. Not me, I was always a good boy. :-P

My memories of my father here consisted mainly of his standing on the front rostrum quoting some bible verse while the congregation listened and nodded attentively, or behind the drum set jamming it up with cool drum rolls and upbeat tempos. I was too young to understand anything that was happening at the time, including how and why my father eventually got booted out of church, but at the time, in my mind my father was the coolest man on earth - and there was nothing I wanted more than to be just like him when I grew up. Such was the way I idolized my father.

Because my father was a preaching, I just assumed that he was a Godly man. I guess that's what all of us do. Surely, a man who preached the word of God was a man of God right? The two facts were supposed to be mutually implied. But that was before I could understand things like hypocrisy, false hearts and weakness of the flesh. As I grew up, I slowly discovered that my father wasn't quite the Godly man I thought him to be. He was flawed in many ways, and the things that he did, said and felt proved himself to be only too human.

He was judged harshly - shunned and rejected till eventually he moved our family hundreds of miles away, in search of solace. People he called brothers turned their backs on him and called for his immediate removal. The ironic thing is, the people who called for him downfall weren't necessarily better. Many of them had flaws of their own. Many of them drank, gambled and womanized and lived according to the ways of the world too. But nevertheless, they took the moral high ground and hiding behind a shield of holiness, they kicked him out. But it's hard to blame them. It is natural of people to judge the men who claim to serve God more harshly. We  simply cannot accept it if a person we look to as a spiritual Sheppard goes awry in his own ways. It puts a shadow over every word ever uttered from his mouth. To preach the word of God in public but do the opposite in private is the epitome of hypocrisy.

I looked at up at the stage at this man. He certainly had the charm and charisma. People would follow a man who spoke like that. And he preached very closely to the words of The Good Book. Take words and passages that's were inspired by no less than God himself, and deliver it through a man who spoke with so much wit AND conviction, it's hard not to want to believe the man is indeed a man of God.

But is that so? Look at what has happened with the Catholic priest in the US and Europe, look at all some of the misguided and perverted former religious leaders such as Jim Jones, look at my own father. If you ask me, a priest / pastor / religious leader is as godly as a criminal is evil. It's likely to be true, but not necessarily so.

Though it is not my will to see this man fall from grace, no one should ever judge him too quickly or condemn him too harshly if he ever should. It's not that we should start developing a tolerance for what is wrong or lower our moral standards. It's just that it seems that when it comes to people we look up to, be it a celebrity, a government leader, pastor, or just someone we deeply respect, we develop false impressions on who they really are and what they are like.

I used to love my father, and idolized him. And then I grew up and started to see his flaws - and they were many. I felt betrayed. I felt misled. I felt like the person I believed in never existed in the first place. And then I grew up some more and made mistakes of my own - and they were many too. Then I looked at my father again with fresh eyes - and saw in him again the man that I used to believe in, existing there amongst all the flaws and weaknesses, like it always has. I idolized him no more, but I learned to love him regardless.

He is only human. So is the pastor. So am I. So is everyone else.