Personally, I believe that there is darker side to everyone. There is a Mr. Hyde in all of us. We all have skeletons in our closet, we all have things we have done, thoughts we have had, urges we have had that are less than pure. Wants and desires that we secretly harbour in our hearts that never see the light of day. Have you ever done things you aren’t supposed to do? Have you ever coveted things that belong to others? Have you ever lusted or longed for people and things that you should really stay far far away from? Have you ever acted on these desires? I’m sure everyone has……. and so have I.
As a generally mild mannered and good natured person, I suspect that people seldom stop to wonder if there is a darker side to me. But there is……. I have done many things I’m not proud of. Things I don’t tell people about. Secret thoughts and acts that you’d never imagine a person like me would do. I cannot say that I was helpless in doing these things. I cannot say I was the victim in all that happened. At best, I will say that it was all done in a moment of weakness. But in truth, it happened not just because I allowed it, but because I wanted it. There are things I continue to do despite knowing I shouldn’t because deep down, I’m still not willing to stop.
What are some of the things I have done?
Lets see… I’ve cheated on my partner before. I have gotten involved with other women before, I have gone on secret dates with other women. I surf porn whenever I’m horny, I fantasize about other women, I like swearing with four lettered words when I’m angry, and I keep a secret blog to write out the sexually charged and lusty thoughts & actions I have. I have hid things from my family. I have played truant from work before, I have wished I was with someone else, I have been jealous and envious of the wealth of others, the smooth sailing nature of their life, their great jobs, their high pay, people who have travelled the world, people who have more friends, people who seem to have more exciting lives, I have scream and shouted at my own mother, slapped her even. I have stolen money (when I was 10). I have shop lifted (when I was 8), and I have made my partner go through not one… but TWO abortions. That’s right. I should have been a father two times over by now actually.
Why am I confessing all this things now? Because the bloody namesake of this blog is ‘If I’m Being Honest’.. and if I really am being honest with you, I cannot hide all these things which despite being not so honourable & good, are still a part of me. It is also me being honest with myself more than anything. My blog header writes “There world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins....” And that’s what I’m trying to do now… being brutally honest with myself.
I go back and forth between longing and wanting for these things and believing that I am happy as I am. Some days I wake up genuinely happy and contented, thanking my lucky stars for all that I have, other days I wish I had more, I find myself still wanting these things. It’s a constant struggle. A big reason the bad parts are often shielded away from others is that I don’t want to be seen as a ‘bad’ or ‘dirty’ person. But I cannot deny that I am both. I might be a cheating, lying, secretive and horny bastard, but I am a person who fears and believe in God, in the importance of kindness, forgiveness, patience and love, who genuinely cares about the welfare of others. But people usually remember the first part and forget the second. And that scares me. That people see you for all the bad that you are, disregarding all the good in you.
I’m not going to start writing as if I’m some enlightened soul who has found his meaning, strength and purpose in life through all these mistakes. I’m not going to quote some wise saying or bible verse on how I have learned from all this. I’m not even going to say I’m done with my wayward ways and that I’ve turned a new leaf.
I’m just saying that this is who I am. I am flawed. I have made mistakes…. many of which I have been very good at covering up. But I do have a conscience of my own, and not a day goes by that I do not struggle and strive to do what my heart tells me is the right thing. Some days I triumph. But many times, I fail again and again. But my ultimate aim is not to conquer myself by not doing all the wrong things that I so desire. Instead, it is my belief that I must transform myself into a person who does all the right things, because that’s my desire. I want to want the right things.
It stifles me if I think you think I’m some sort of angel. It’s tiring trying to live up to other people’s expectations and impression of us, especially if it’s all only the good stuff. And I feel a sense of detachment if I feel like I can only talk to you about prim and proper stuff – no sex, no swearing, no admission of wrong doing. Camaraderie is all fine and fun, but the absence of honesty and frankness will always create a void. And that void is the distance between who you think I am, and what truly is.
So, reject me, scorn me and frown at me for all the misdeeds that I have done if you will. But please also accept me and love me for who I am. Trust that although I am a work in progress, my heart is true, I bring no ill will to man, and that I will accept you as who you are too.
Then maybe.... you and I will start to know one another, as we truly are.
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