A Worry, A Hope, A Faith

I've been having a lot of doubts and worries lately.

And all boils squarely down to one thing - providing, and providing well.

I find myself in a very different position when compared to other friends who are around my age. Most of them are single or just dating, well into their first or second jobs, live under their parents room, and have no one to support other than themselves. They save money, spend on themselves going on holidays, buying the coolest gadgets, Saturday night drinks... living every bit of the yuppie lifestyle  many of us imagine ourselves having once we start work.

And on the other end, there is me. I owe my boss money, I owe the government money, I owe relatives money and I owe the bank money. I live on my own, I pay my own rent, I pay for my own car, and I pay all the bills. On top of that, I'm supporting a penniless and homeless father-in-law-to-be, I'm supporting a 20 year old brother-in-law-to-be and I'm supporting my mothers living expenses. On top of it all, I'm saving up money to fund for my own wedding AND honeymoon at the end of this year, I promised my fiancee we'd go backpacking in Europe within the next 2 years, and I seriously want to visit Australia.

And now, everyone's telling us we should seriously buy a house within the next 2 years before anything half decent becomes too expensive to afford. Have you ever tried looking at the kind of interests banks charge for a home loan??? Damn......

I know I'm not in this alone. My fiancee is helping out too, and so is my brother. But I feel the bulk of the pressure dropping mainly on me. After all, I am supposed to be the head of the home, I am supposed to be the breadwinner. Where the hell am I supposed to find the money?

They all pat me on the back and tell me don't worry. They tell me I'm doing well for a person my age. They remind me that I'm earning a healthly sum of money. True, I do earn a good salary. But I'm up to my neck in debts too. It all evens out. After paying off every relative, institution and bank, I'm still back to square one. I sit down and do the math - there is so much I am going to make over the next 2 years. There is only so much I can borrow. Add it all up, and it looks pretty much like a lifetime of debt.


I feel pressure to do something.. anything... to make things happen. I re-look at my job. I'm like my job. It's paying well. But what about 5 years from now? What about 10 years from now. Will this cute little outfit be able to pay me the kind of money I feel I need to be earning in 10 years time? What if I just stay on, and it all comes to naught? What if all my talents, ability and potential is never put to good use? One of my biggest fears has always been of underachievement. I don't want to reach the end of my life believing that I could have done so much more. It's no way to live life.

Maybe I should look at other things? Another job? One that will pay me ridiculous sums of money? What about doing insurance? Some people I know have gone on to earn 5 figure salaries within 3 years. Multi Level Marketing? There's always someone wanting to recruit you. Start a business maybe? Sell food? Open a cafe? Start selling Char Koay Teow? I heard some of them drive Mercedes cars. But I'd have to learn how to cook first. What about going overseas? Maybe I should get a job in Singapore. Or perhaps get a oil and gas job in the middle east. What about Oil rigs? They pay USD300 A DAY. That's an obscene amount of money, but you really put your life on the line, not to mention it staying in the middle of the sea for 2 weeks with no communication to the outside world tends to mess with your head.


Sigh.....

That's typically what's been going through my head. The world is your oyster. Every person is free to make his / her own choices in life. If you want to achieve something, the sky is your limit. But everything still boils down to the choices you make. More than anything else, it is your choices in life that defines you. The choices we make tell a lot about the kind of person we are. The problem with choices is that, you never know where it will lead to. You can only tell as far as one step ahead, but no more. It was Winston Churchill who said that  "It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.”

And yet we are told that in everything that we do, begin with the end in mind. I look at the next 10 years of my life and at it's core, I know the things I want in my life. The problem is just this - I don't know how I'm going to get there, or if I ever will. But I know I must try the best I can. The deep fear in me is that my best may turn out to be not good enough; that if I never achieve anything in my life, it wasn't because I did not live up to my full potential, but that my full potential was simply not that much. I'm not sure how I will take that.

I know where I want to end up. I have ready feet. But I don't know how to get there. I am overcomed by a surge of panic... and finally, I confide in my fiancee. I tell her these deepest fears I have. I tell her I'm not as capable as she thinks. I tell her I don't think I can give her the life she envisions.

She strokes my head, holds my head and gives me a hug.

I believe in you, she tells me. Then she starts to sing. God will make a way, when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me. He will be my guide. Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, he will make a way.

And I am soothed. My turbulent heart calms down a bit.

She's right. She's always right.


Every blessing that I have today came from God. I know this because nothing I have achieved today was ever planned. I didn't plan for this job, I didn't plan for this life, I didn't plan for all the things I have right now, I didn't plan for problems at home to be solved. Every blessing that has come to me today, came on it's own accord. They were not from my capability or doings. I could never have done this on my own. Life really takes you on a journey of its own.

Why have I suddenly felt like it was within my power & ability to run my life with my own means for the next ten years when everything that has happen in the last ten had nothing to do with me? Maybe this was what they meant when they said to walk by faith and not by sight.

As easy as the blessings came, they might be taken away one day. I suddenly realized that. At any moment now, life might suddenly turn for the worse and all this pursuit of money will seem so petty and useless. Or it could get better and I am blessed with riches far beyond my imagination. Either way, I realized it's less in my hands that I first thought. If you believe that everyone has has a destiny in life, then believe that that destiny lies squarely in the hands of God and not you.

So, do what you will with my life dear God - You've been doing it all along anyway. Get me a mansion or move me into the ghettos. Bless me with good health or plague me with sickness. Shower me with love or smite me with lightning. Give me blessings and I will pray and thank you. Throw me hardship, and I will pray for strength. Either way, I commit everything into Your good hands.

Wasn't it the wisest man who ever lived who said:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

 Proverbs 3:5-6