A confession

I’m a serious person. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.

Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.

A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.

(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)

There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.

I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.

I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.

Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.

Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….

Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.

Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.

God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.

An admission;

A confession;

I’m lonely.

I’m shattered.

I’m depressed.

I Want to Live...

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

Good morning world....

You hear that music? You hear the drums beating?

Today, that's my song.. today my heart beats to that rhythm.

A strong solid thumping that sends the blood in blood running that bit faster.


There's plenty to be upset about, there's plenty to sulk about. Last night as I tucked myself into bed, I found myself thinking about many of the major mistakes I have made in my life. Of course I call them mistakes now because of how they didn't turn out well. I wondered if I knew then what I knew now, would I have done things differently. But that's the thing - the benefit of hindsight always comes after it's too late. I wondered if I should make a few phone calls.. to explain & apologize for the things I did or didn't do. I feel asleep halfway through recollecting who and what I did a wrong against.

But when I woke up, I felt different. The rest did me a lot of good. I walked up to the window and drew the curtains wide open, allowing the sunlight to flood the room. A new day, a new hope. You can't spend your life forever pandering over the sins of the past. Respect your past, hope for your future, but live your life in the present. I decided trying to dig up old stories in attempt to apologize wasn't the way forward. I'd probably get proper closure f I did, but it'd also bring up a painful memories & hurt for all concerned. Completely unnecessary.

I showered and got dressed. Stuffed the ear phones in my head and walked out the door. I was keen to get the day started, keen to get going... keep on living, making more 'mistakes' if I had to. I scrolled down my playlist looking for a song that will get me going that would galvanize me for the rest of the day, and voila, here's The Animal Song by Savage Garden.

Cheers.

Doing Onto Others

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

Someone asked me yesterday why I bothered wishing someone well as they said their thank you and goodbyes.

It was a well known that this particular person was at times a rather shifty character, not always honest, didn't always have your interest at heart when dealing with our company. Personally, I never felt 100% comfortable with him either. He spoke too soon and too smoothly for my taste. I know the man had a business to run and profits need to be made, but I'd always get the feeling that he was trying to rip you off all the time. Anyway, things didn't go so well in his business and his company finally faced closure. (Maybe I wasn't the only one who had that suspicious feelings after all).

"What for you wish him well. He's a blood sucker" my colleague emailed me.


"You don’t wish him well, the lightning will come down and strike us leh. Upstairs is watching!" I replied.

I knew why I was still wishing this guy well despite my reservations about him, but I didn't quite know how to explain it to my colleague without sounding preachy. But I decided to quote scripture anyway, as uncomfortable as that made me feel.

Luke 6:27-36

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Now, don't get me wrong k... I'm NOT a holy person. I'm not the sort of person who incessantly quote scripture what more to colleagues. Religion isn't something you discuss often in the workplace. But I do believe with all my heart that that's how you should treat others; in your actions, words and even your thoughts. To me, wishing him well isn't just saying 'all the best'.. but sincerely hoping that things turn out well for them, regardless of what happened in the past. It's not easy. It takes a lot to genuinely give someone your blessing when they have done a wrong against you. I have tried keeping an angry & vengeful heart. But it's like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person suffers. You're only killing yourself

I tell myself that if I were in their shoes, and I did a wrong against someone, I would hope that they would forgive me too. It's with that in mind that I readily give my well wishes and blessings to him. In a way, it's a selfish act. I bless because I want to be blessed. I forgive, because I want forgiveness. You don't demand it. You just give it, and hope that it will come back your way some day when you need it

I have been called lenient & soft for behaving this way before. In fact, they say I'm a royal sucker because I'm constantly allowing people to take advantage over me because of my ideals. They tell me that if I forgive to easily, people never learn their lesson. There's little place for ideals in this world. It's a jungle out there, so live by jungle rules or perish. Maybe these people have never felt the need for forgiveness and blessings in their own lives. But this sucker certainly does.

So all the best to you my friend. Here's to wishing you well. I meant it yesterday, today and all the tomorrows from here on. 

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone 

Lady Antebellum & Jim Brickman - Never alone