Dum Di Dum Di Dum...

I've always loved this song from the very first day I heard it more than 12 years ago. I was playing the song on my computer and dancing in the goofiest of ways in front of my other half when she said a smile on her face "This song is so you..."I stopped and just gave her an even sillier smile. This wasn't the first time someone has said that to me. A close friend of mine has said that to me on numerous occasions. The only thing that bothers me is that they never consider the songs they associate with me as cool. They know that one of my old time favourite classics is this one by Billy Joel. and this one from the Proclaimers. They kind of wonder why a guy born in the mid 80's like would like music belonging to the previous generation.

Actually, I happen to know exactly why I like each of these songs. Because I think they are cool in their own way.

Quizzical by Juliet the Orange is fun because it t's one of those rare songs sang from a woman's perspective about their own insecurities about being too ugly, too plain or too whatever... and it gets projected onto this love song to the man she sings to.... asking him "I can't cook.. my toes are huge, I'm messy, I've got issues, I'm clingy.. .Are you sure you'd want to be with a girl like me?  "  And it's all sang in a rather light hearted manner. Combining humour, emotion and poetry into a melody....What's not to like? Pretty awesome piece of song writing if you ask me. I'm so hoping you'd find the song cooler now that you've read that. :-P 

As for We didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel is a song I discovered out of chance... at a Karaoke session with some buddies. Our Spanish speaking Peruvian buddy and his good friend started singing (or rather screaming) it... and by the end of the song, I was speechless... both at their singing.. and the lyrics of the song. I've always been interested in History. And this actually a running social commentry of current event all they way from the 60s to 80s... in the form of a song! How can you not find that cool? I mean.. it even rhymes! I don't care if anyone else thinks its geeky or lame. I love it.

And that last one.. 500 miles by the Proclaimers.... it's a song sang by Scottish twin brothers about a man that would..... walk 500 miles and 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.... tadadada... tadadada..tadadadumdadaddadum..dum... Actually.. I just like singing along to it. It's not really awesome in any hidden way... just really really fun. :-P

Anyway, it's 2.00am as I write this. I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'll be cursing myself in the morning for singing silly songs in the middle of the night instead sleeping. So good night folks.... If you have a lame song that you secretly find cool for reasons of your own... do share it with me!

Cheers!

The Obedient Wives Club

Obedient Wives Club to offer sex lessons

It's things like this that make Malaysia such an entertaining (albeit embarrasing) place to live sometimes.

A bunch of Muslim housewives, spearheaded by a group of former polygamy advocators are offering sex lessons to wives so that they can "serve their husbands better than a first class prostitute.".. because "a husband who was kept happy in the bedroom would have no reason to stray, seek out prostitutes or indulge in other social vices."

I know I should be outraged at the blatant sexism and all.. but honestly, I'm just amused.

Just HOW are they going to pull off these lessons?

I think it's safe to assume that tha vast majority of adults of our times have never received any sort of 'formal' lessons on how to have sex. So how are a bunch of tudung wearing housewives going to teach other housewives how to serve it up better than a first clast prostitute in bed? Will they have 'practical sessions' i.e. voyuerism? Or perhaps use some visual aids i.e. porn? Or will they just use cucumbers and doughnuts as tools?

Secondly, how will these 'trainers' even know how a first class prostitute performs in bed? What would be the qualification criteria for these trainers? How do you know if you're up to par with the best of prostitutes without having some prior knowledge or experience?


It's silly to say lack of a lack of mind blowing sex at home is the source of all social ills. But I suspect most men aren't about to complain (too much) about it anyway. It's every mans dream come true if their wife / girlfriend is a lady in public but a nympho in bed.

The way I see it, the only way this is going to work is that these women will have to be already somewhat kinky. You WILL need to have watched some (or a lot) porn, you WILL have to be fairly adventurous in bed, you WILL have to know and be willing to do everything a professional would do. EVERYTHING. And frankly, if you're that kinky, I doubt you'd be promoting sex classes under a religious banner, with tudung and all.... 

My guess is, this it'll all just end up like this scene. 

An Employee's Fate

The Boss is crazy,
the work is busy
I’m so lazy
I wish I just had it easy.

I’ll be home late honey,
trying to earn some money
Boss said he’ll pay me a penny
He thinks he’s very funny.

The office - a cave
And you - the slave
Fight with boss? So brave!
Want your salary? Better behave

Emails to send
Documents to amend
Work never seems to end
I need you, oh glorious weekend!

Doing the things you hate
Till the night is late
That’s how it is mate
An employee’s fate!

Stop & Stare

Boy, what a morning it has been.

I was feeling kind of excited last night as I left work, ready to hit the road straight to Singapore in my new car. Well, new old car that is. The previous car I was driving was starting to make one too many noises and my boss finally agreed to change it to something that didn’t look like it was about to fall apart before the next traffic light. The replacement just came last Saturday, and I was eager to put the car through its paces, to check out what this baby can do.

Zoom zoom zoom.. and before you know it, I was right at the border of Singapore. So far so good… it felt like I was on a flying carpet… with wheels of course. I decided to hang on the phone a bit more talking to my other half before crossing the border.. enjoying the air conditioning and the soft feel of the leather.

And then everything just went started to go downhill..…

The hazard light suddenly came on, lights started flashing and beeping sounds started coming from areas I didn’t know existed in the car… and finally the engine itself chocked to a silent eerie death.

“WTF...?”…

I turned the ignition but the car wouldn’t start. A desperate call to my boss asking for advice – he told me to wait and try again later. What a genius. Didn’t work. Popped open the hood and peered in and started touching and shaking stuff. Had no idea what I was doing. But all men feel compelled to ‘pop the hood and check’ as if they knew a thing or two about fixing a car. Gave up and went back in. Opened the glove compartment and did what I know only engineers would do – read the manual. While it wasn’t as cool as popping the hood, it was a lot more informative. Read cover to cover hoping to find a solution, but still wasn’t any closer to getting the car started. At least I now knew what all those knobs and lights were for.

By this time it was 3am in the morning, and I hadn’t had a bath in 18 hours. Stick, dirty and smelly, I decided to try getting some shut eye in the car. But with the windows half open, I kept getting up every half an hour convinced that a bunch of night raiders were about to pounce on me and drive my car away. But since my car was out of order, they’d probably get pissed off and kill me instead. Or so I imagined.

Anyway, I somehow managed to make it to morning with some decent sleep and all my body parts intact. Hope against hope, I tried turning the key again. No sound. Damn car just won’t start. Lucky for me, I was parked right at the rest stop. Took my bag out and went to the washrooms. They had showers there mostly used by lorry and bus drivers to freshen up. So, a shower and a shot of caffeine later, I was feeling almost alright again. Quick calls to the workshops and some colleagues and tow truck was fast on its way to rescue me from my misery.

But this being Malaysia, it was just a matter of time before a bunch of busybody’s started congregating around my car. All men of course. How do they help? By standing around the car, hands at their waist, staring at the engine, thinking really really hard. We men like to think we can fix anything if we stare at it long enough. Only guy that was helpful was the tow truck guy. After all, he was the one actually charging me for assistance. But not before trying to kill me it seems.

After hooking up the car, I hopped into his truck. Maybe I was high on caffeine or something, but I was kind of enjoying sitting in the old beat up truck. Had a real old school feel about it, and it didn’t even have seatbelts! Coolness! I was thinking this might turn out so bad after all. I’m riding old skool style babe!

….and then he made a right turn…….and the door next me swung open, and I could feel myself being thrown right out the door, my body floating in thin air before crashing to the ground in slow motion…before getting squashed by the incoming cars….

OK, not really . But it really did feel like it was about to happen.

The door did swing open, but I managed to cling on to something to avoid flying out. Wasn’t proud of my few whimpy cries I accidentally let out in the face of certain death, but considering the truck driver himself almost shit in his pants too, I wasn’t too bothered. With doors locked this time, I sat close to the centre and keep my grip firmly on the seat for the rest of the trip. Riding old skool didn’t seem so fun after that. Damn it, why isn’t anything going right today?

But not to worry…as I write this, I’m sitting snuggled into a nice comfortable seat with air conditioning, free wifi, and a pretty looking waitress fetching free flow espresso coffee for me while I wait for the mechanics to figure out what the hell’s wrong with my car. I can tell they’re on it because from where I sit, I can see the mechanics all standing around the car, hands at their waist, staring at the engine, thinking really really hard. I’m sure that’ll do the trick.

Spurned

You know that feeling of having your hard work and effort all amount to nothing? To have it all go down the drain just like that after having pour out every bit of yourself for a cause? Well, that’s the shitty feeling I’m experiencing right now. Nothing dramatic, just some disappointment I faced recently.

Like a new lover eager to please his new love, I danced and played along and catered to her every whim and fancy. She asked for all sorts of things, made all sorts of demands. But she sprinkled words like ‘you’re so good’ or ‘you’re the best’..always hinting, always luring but never promising. Oh, how eager I was to believe those words, how quick I was to take it all in. How sweet her smile, how friendly her tone. She was all I wanted - the apple of my eye. I did everything she wanted. I gave her everything she asked for. I poured out my heart, my soul, my everything – awaiting the day she’d say to me that I was the one.

Later I realized that I was being ‘taken for a walk along the whole garden path’; meaning everything looks and feels nice, but doesn’t really lead you anywhere. But when you’re in the garden, everything’s nice and dandy; you believe with all your heart that a path this beautiful could only lead to someplace even more beautiful.

Then the silence comes… and the cold shoulder. She stops answering your calls, she doesn’t reply your emails, and she completely ignored you. You start to have doubts. Did I do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Something I did? You have no idea of knowing, but the silence just drives you mad.

And then, the dreaded day comes when you finally receive her phone call…

“I’m sorry… It it’s not you. It’s me. You’re really awesome… but I found someone else, and I really think he’s THE ONE. I’m sure you’ll make someone else really happy… but I’m afraid I’m not that person…”

And as you slowly feel your heart start to crumble into pieces, all you can say at this point is

“F**K YOU B**TCH!”

….… or so you think in your head.

But what you REALLY do (since you’re actually a decent human being), is just put your bravest most graceful smile and say

“It’s OK.. I understand. All the best to you.”…..

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how it feels like to be a sales person losing your first major order / tender.

:-P

Big Boys Toys

People say boys never grow up…. mainly because they will always have their toys. When I’m not busy being a manic-depressive-mentally-unstable-obscure-writer, or all-in-one-jack-of-all-trades-engineer-cum-salesman-cum-office-boy, I’m usually busy being a typical guy drooling and fantasizing over his favourite Victoria Secret Model IT gadget / toy….For me.. it’s mostly cameras, computers and mobile phones… Here’s the typical monologue I have with myself...

*WARNING: GEEK TALK BELOW*

9.30am : [Wake Up] I am SO going to get the new Nikon D3100 with 18~55mm zoom lens. And the 35mm f1.8 AFS..

10.30am : Just saw a few unboxing and review videos on youtube of the D3100.. AWESOMENESS! [Salivating]

10.40am : Nikon said available mid September… How come its not available at stores yet? [Impatient]

10.45am : [Checking out Shashinki] WOW, D90 prices have dropped because of the new D7000! Maybe I should get the D90 instead… Hmm….

11.00am : WHATS THIS?! D3000 selling for RM1700 plus only? O.M.G… maybe I should just get that…and wait… D5000 is only 2400 plus.. and has a swivel screen! That’s not bad too! [Start of headache]

11.05am : D3000 has no video and live view… But I don’t really want that.. or do I?

11.06am : Maybe I should just get a cheap body and buy better lenses. Ken Rockwell did say that the camera doesn’t matter.

11.07am : But Ken Rockwell ALSO said that the D3000 is hopeless and recommends the D5000 instead.

11.08am : But that cool Afro Hair guy, along with everyone else, says Ken Rockwell is an idiot.

11.09am : Yes, Ken Rockwell is an idiot.

11.30am : Ken Rockwell is a genius.

11.31am : Nope… Idiot…

11.32am : Ok… Maybe he’s an idiotic genius….

12.00pm : Haha… this FroKnowsPhoto dude is cool… I like that he gets his grandma involved. Maybe I should get an afro hair too.

1.00pm : OK, FroKnowsPhot dude is officially the coolest photographer I’ve ever come across…

2.00pm : So OK, let me try to summarize….

D3000 is better than what Ken Rockwell says, and its dirt cheap… and rightfully I SHOULD be able to take good pictures since its still a DSLR… But no live view, so the wifey may find it hard to use.

D5000 has a good CMOS sensor and a swivel screen, but external controls are limited… image quality same as the D90…Everythings seems half baked..

D90 is the uber choice.. old model, but solid body, great design, pentaprism viewfinder, commander mode on flash, sturdy.. not to mention so cool to carry around… but can’t afford it… and its HEAVY.

D3100… best bet still… new sensor, better controls, new Expeed 2 processor, good low noise performance, programmable function button! And affordable! But damn its taking so long to come out.. plus should I buy it without reading the reviews first?

Ken Rockwell gives practical advice, but is somewhat a genius bordering idiot. But he has won awards, so you can’t say he doesn’t know his stuff…

Jared Polin of FroKnowsPhoto is like…. super cool with his Afro hair. But he tells everyone to shoot in RAW.. permanently.. which I’m totally against…

Hmmm…..

3.00pm : What’s this? Canon EOS1000D selling for RM1588?? WTF?!!! That’s SO CHEAP! Maybe I should get that? And that 550D… man.. that looks pretty good.

3.05pm : But Canon doesn’t have Nikon’s cool 35mm f1.8 lens… which with after crop factor.. really makes it a 50mm equivalent…which is PERFECT… Hmmmm…. But Nikon takes out the focusing motor on the entry level cameras.... forcing everyone to buy their AF-S lenses….In some sense.. Nikon is EVIL..

3.20pm : [Reads the 35mm f1.8 lens review for the 10th time] I’m SO going to get this lens!!!

3.30pm : Nah, screw you Canon! It’s Nikon for me baby!!!

3.45pm : [OK, I so need to get back to work]

5.00pm : You know what….. forget about it. I’m not buying a camera. I shouldn’t. I should just learn how to be happy with my cute little Lumix…. after all, it’s working just fine, it has great zoom (x18 baby!), it has served me well….. and its really really small…

5.30pm : Ya. Just use the Lumix till it gives way. After all, it’s the PERSON who takes the pictures, not the camera. If I can’t take good pictures on this camera, it ain’t gona happen on a better one either. I should just let go of this obsession with DSLRs… [Contemplating + Headache]

6.00pm : [Moment of major life decision] *sniff sniff* Good bye dream.. I’m letting you go… Maybe some day I’ll have pockets deep enough and skills worthy enough… but for now… I can’t afford to have you in my life…. oh Digital Single Lens Reflex…Goodbye!

6.01pm : [Instant U-Turn] But damn.. the Lumix is hopeless in low light la..… noise levels are unbearable… and the depth of field… too wide.. Can’t do any bokeh… Can’t blur backgrounds…I think I STILL need a DSLR leh!!! I just want good pictures, not too much to ask kua… Even a clanky old D80 will do lah!

6.02pm : [Resurrecting the dream] Welcome back dream! It’s alive! It’s alive! Hallelujah! Aduh... =_=”

11.00pm : [Going to sleep] I am SO going to get the new Nikon D3100 with 18~55mm zoom lens. And the 35mm f1.8 AFS..

[Repeat next day...]

I swear I’ve gone through this thought pattern like……..a hundred times.

But it’s nothing new really… I confuse myself on a daily basis…

(If you don’t understand a word I typed.. don’t panic… it’s really just camera talk)

Questions Women Ask

I was just thinking about this the other day. As a guy, you sometimes find yourself getting in a lot of trouble because of some carelessly answered questions. Seemingly innocent and harmless questions asked by your other half that at the time of answering, you had not idea would get you into such a mess. So for any man who has ever been, is or will be getting into a relationship with the fairer sex any time soon, here are a list of ‘DANGER QUESTIONS’ that women often ask which usually signifies the end of you (should you not answer them properly):

#1 Do I look fat in this dress?

For some reasons, many women ask this even when they’re skinny as a chopstick. They usually happen when you’re already late for some function somewhere and she’s trying on the fifth dress in a row. If you say Yes, you’re delayed for another 15 minutes for her to try on another one. And will forever remember that you think she loos fat. If you say No, she will say you’re lying… because she DOES think she looks fat in the dress (otherwise she wouldn’t be asking you in the first place)


SOLUTION : Say No.


Statistically, if you say ‘yes, there’s a 100% chance of being even later than you already are, and that she’ll be upset for the rest of the night because you just confirmed to her that she’s fat. Say No, and there’s at least a 50% chance she’ll agree and you can finally be on your way. Simple right?


#2 How come you don’t buy me flowers anymore?


Flowers are to women what i-Phones, cameras, computers, cars and machine guns are to men. They make our hearts melt. But this question isn’t really about flowers at all. In fact, it’s not even a question. It’s a WARNING. She’s telling you that you used to do a lot of romantic stuff for her, but she now realizes that you don’t anymore. In other words, you KPI (Key Performance Index) is down. You need to take action or risk a drop in your ratings (Yes, women have secret ‘boyfriend ratings’).


SOLUTION : Say you don’t buy flowers because next to her, the flowers look ugly. THEN, go buy flowers (as many as you can afford), Plan a candlelit dinner. Write her a song… etc…or any romantic thing you can think of.


You know the drill. Do something different for her. I know you think that phase of the relationship is supposed to be over now that you’re already together… but the unfortunate truth is – women want their romance and they will squeeze it out of you if they have to not stop wanting it. So whether it come to you naturally or not, some effort to be romantic will be required here and there.


#3 What do you think of Bali / Paris / Tokyo?


Again, this isn’t a question at all. It’s a thinly veiled expression of desire to go to that place. An alternative translation to this is “I want to go to Bali / Paris / Tokyo… and you’re going to take me there.”. Maybe not so forcefully, but that’s the intent. When she asks you about a certain holiday destination, it means that in her mind she’s already mentally preparing to be there with you. Whether or not YOU like the place is secondary.


SOLUTION : Save money. Book early.


Sorry…. There’s no way out of this one. You will eventually have to bring her there, whether it’s 5 months or 5 years from now. It all has something to do with their need for romance in their lives. And going on a romantic holiday just the two of you is one of those things. The only other way out is to convince her of an even more awesome place you could go together, like Chicken Hartz All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Buffet. But I doubt she’d say yes.



#4 What do you think of her?


This is usually about another female friend of yours. BE WARNED : THIS IS A LOADED QUESTION. It’s left open ended because she wants what’s at the top of your mind to surface. She’s trying to gauge your level of attraction to that woman. She’s trying to assess if that woman is of any threat to her position. Answer this question wrong, and you’re in big big trouble buster.


SOLUTION : Less is More. Be sincere but not overtly praising.


This is a minefield, so thread lightly and with tact. If you think she’s possibly the hottest woman to grace the earth since Megan Fox, just say she’s pretty. If you think she has a smile that melts a thousand hearts and a voice that makes the angles weep, just say she’s sweet. Any show of too much enthusiasm will spell trouble. Bruce Banner (from The Hulk) isn’t the only one with a green monster hidden in them ya'know. Don’t try to exaggerate on your friends bad qualities either – she’ll pick up that you’re just saying things to disarm her.


#5 IF you were not with me, would you be attracted to her?


Any man would know this is a trick question. ‘IF’ is an awfully big word here. This is probably the single most loaded question she can ask you ever (the other one is 'Have you fixed the toilet yet?'). She may try to convince you that the question is purely academic and hypothetical. But it’s not. It’s SUICIDAL. The intent is similar to #4 above.. probably because she wasn’t convince with your answer. She’s on to you my friend.


SOLUTION : Call on your Miranda rights; the rights to remain silent and to a fair trial. Also call upon the universal accept rights that you are innocent until proven guilty.


It is a well-accepted medical fact that women have a more sophisticated anatomy compared to men. This includes a lie detector somewhere in their brain. They can know if you’re lying. So before you get yourself in trouble with clumsy responses, don’t say anything. Think carefully not just on what to say, but also on how you say it. Because she’s not listening to your words at all..... she already knows your lying. She’s reading your emotions, because she wants to know how much. So before you get grilled, best to prepare and rehearse.

Having said that….


I do believe that honestly is the best policy most all of the time. The truth will get you much further in your relationship than any amount of lies added together. Remember, lies have speed but the truth has endurance. After they are done raising all hell and going on an eating spree and blaming it on you, they do eventually thank you and appreciate your honesty. If she does look fat, just say something gentle like “Maybe just a bit.. but you still look great..” If you haven’t been romantic, or haven’t brought her for a holiday, just say you’re sorry you didn’t think of it sooner and offer to bring her the next chance you get. If you do think your female friend is pretty hot and all and that you do have a small crush, well, she probably knew already. So just say (tactfully) that yes you find her attractive, but you’re more than happy with what you have. A hug and a kiss after that usually helps.

Cheers... and good luck!

Pains of a Writer

The thing about writing is.. you've got to strike when the iron is hot.

Sometimes, in the middle of my day be it during a shower, driving, having lunch or picking my nose, I get a flash of brilliance. Rather like a string of thought and words about a subject matter. It's like your mind is just mulling over an issue without having any particular thought.. and suddeny... everything crystallizes, clouds are lifted for a while... and for that few moments, you suddenly gain insight..... and you are able to put in a very definable, coherent way, exactly what you're feeling, exactly what you think, exactly what you mean. They string together in some brilliant sentence of enlightenment that you privately think in your heart deserve to be quoted alongside the likes of Mark Twain or Winston Churchill or Gandhi...


There's no stopping the flow of thoughts. One sentence builds upon another and before you know it, there are whole paragraphs ready to be spewed out from your mind.... You know its fleeting, you know it needs to be captured before it is lost forever in the recesses of your mind.


And that's when you usually realize you don't having anything to write it all down with. I need a pen! I need a laptop! I need to write it down! And you try to get your hands on anything to just start scribbling down what could possibly be the quote of the century..........

But when you finally sit in front of the computer, ready to jot down all you knew you had to say... nothing comes. The rush is over. The words have come and gone.. and you find yourself writing half baked versions of what you originally had in your mind which doesn't really satisfy at all.

Ever had that? I believe it's one of the pains of being someone passionate about writing.

In other words... maybe I should get an I-Pad.

;-)

Cheers...

Should Men Lie?

I got such a kick out of making the last chart that I spent the a bulk of my time tonight making this chart (as opposed to sleeping early as originally intended). I'm particularly proud of the different steps men should take when answering the same question of 'Is she pretty' but one for your partner, and one for your Ex...

I think ALL MEN, at some point or other in their lives have felt the need to lie once in a while to their partners. I think it's inevitable. We didn't start out this way you know. Once upon a time, we believed in being totally honest. Then we discovered that being honest meant getting into a lot of trouble anyway. So, being the smart beings that we are, we decided that honesty isn't always the best policy. A low chance of averting trouble is still better than zero.

So we lie, lie, lie till our pants are on fire if we are confident enough that the risk are reasonable to take.

Little do we know that women can sniff a lie a mile away... which just gets us into more trouble.

Woman oh woman. What do we do with you? Can't live with you, can't live without you.

Indexed.... almost.

Take a look! I made this! Hehehehe... I feel like a little kid just finishing his first ever drawing and eagerly showing it to his parents.

Just so you know, I'm a regular reader of http://thisisindexed.com/ which is run by this person who basically draws out in charts and diagrams some of the funny observations he / she makes about stuff. I like it because it's often quite insightful, funny.. plus you don't have to read through a thousand words before you get the point (unlike this blog... :-S)

This chart was totally inspired by that. I was trained as an engineer, so looking, studying and understanding and making charts are kind of natural to me... That, plus I just had one of the most unproductive days in office for quite some time now.... and was close to dying of boredom.

Hope you like it!

How to Survive the World Cup (For Non Football Fans)

Offside - Defined by a forward player being nearer to the opponent’s goal post than the ball or the last defender of the opposing team. Technicalities aside, it basically means that a player is at some place he shouldn’t be on the pitch.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, because I’m sort of in an offside position too. I’m in a place I shouldn’t be…. smack in the middle of World Cup fever that is. See, unlike 90% of the rest of the male population, I don’t watch football. Neither am I a big fan of it. I know football, I know the rules, I know how it’s played, and I know most of the major teams and players, but I still don’t consider myself a football fan.

Like every other guy who isn’t really into football but still wants to be ‘one of the guys’ I support Manchester United. If you don’t have a clue about football but still want to appear like you are, just say you’re a Manchester United fan. There is an 80% chance the person you are talking to is also a Man Utd fan. If you want to seem a bit more sophisticated, say you’re a Liverpool, Real Madrid or Barcelona fan. Never say you’re a Chelsea fan unless you’re prepared to be hated instantly.

 If prompted about the state of local football, just say you don’t bother following because they aren’t nearly as good as they used to be back in the days when Mokhtar Dahari was playing. Don’t worry if you don’t know who Mokhtar Dahari is because mentioning his name makes people assume you know what you’re talking about, and those who don’t know are secretly as clueless as you but will be too embarrassed to ask.

Usually, not being a football fan isn’t too big a deal. But every four years once, for a month, this worldwide pandemic called World Cup Fever strikes. There is no escaping this. It’s like a zombie disease. Real zombies hunger for human flesh and once they bite you, you too become one of them. In the football version, all they do is talk about last night’s match… and once you’ve been infected, you too will go on talking about last night’s match to other innocent people

The only way to avoid being infected; blend in. Zombies will not bite you if they think you’re already one of the undead brethren. Same principle applies. You need to appear to be totally into the World Cup fever without actually sacrificing your soul to the undead. Here are some useful tips:

1.    Pick a team to ‘support’. All World Cup conversations inevitably lead to one question “Which team are you supporting?” Saying you don’t support any team is a dead giveaway (no pun intended).  All infected members will support at least one team. Don’t go for Brazil because everyone who doesn’t know anything about football picks Brazil as ‘their team’. Don’t go for any of the African countries either because everyone knows no one supports them except Africans. Don’t go for North Korea too, because Kim Jong Ill is an evil man and wants to start World War 3. And definitely do not support the USA, because that just makes you look stupid. Your safest best will be one of the European teams, except for Greece who are essentially bankrupt (I suspect their players are being paid in barrels of olive oil).

2.    Keep track of the results. You don’t have to watch the match. Just read what the paper said, read facebook updates and overhear what the folks in coffee shops are saying…. And echo that the next time someone asks you about last night’s match. Either show glee that that one team won, our curse that other lost. You don’t really have to pay close attention to any of the matches until at least the quarter finals where the tournament really heats up. If you’re not sure what do say, just ask them what they think and add in general phrases like “Ya, you’re right! Unbelievable! Who would have expected that right? Well, I think they might still have a chance.” That way, you get fully involved in the conversation without actually having to say anything.

3.    Get your facts right. You don’t have to act like you know everything. But in order to pass off as one of the undead, you will need to know some basic facts. There are 11 people in a team. Only the goalkeepers is allowed to use his hands (unless your name is Maradonna or Thierry Henry). The games are in South Africa this time. There are 32 teams. This year North and South Korea are in. Holland is in. China is NOT in. When England plays, don’t ask where David Beckham is. He’s NOT in. The official song for the world cup is Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) performed by Shakira. There’s even a dance to it, but you’re not expected (nor encouraged) to do it. You don’t have to memorize the tune, because no one remembers any World Cup song except the one sang by Ricky Martin back in ’98.

4.    Stay up late and act tired the whole day in work. It helps if you have zombie eye bags. It gives people the impression that you stayed up last night watching the match even though you were really just surfing Facebook and watching videos on Youtube. Of course, don’t forget to do #2 before going to work. Pay special attention if you hear extra loud shouts from your neighbours or nearby coffee shop… it means there was a particularly interesting match that you must pretend to know about.

5.    Offense, the best defense. If you failed to do No.2, you could also take this gamble. Ask if they saw last night’s match. If they say no, you can say no too. End of conversation. If they say yes, then ask for a brief summary of the game. (Try to) listen and ask who that team is up against next ask if they think the team is going to go any further in the tournament. This pre-emptive strike will imply to others that you are already part of the Infected crowd, hence taking the pressure off you.

If all else fails,just tell them the truth. Tell them you’re more of a rugby fan. Football fans would usually be too taken aback by this to say anything. First of all, rugby is an infinitely more manly game. Rugby makes football look like a game girl scouts play during camp. Rugby players are built like war tanks and make footballers like Christiano Ronaldo look like little school boys. Secondly, most people in this part of the world don’t know much about rugby. You could say you’re a supporter of the Brisbane Buckaroos or the Wellington Wallabies or something like that and no one would be the wiser. If you manage to pull this off, you will be left alone for the rest of the world cup.

Just remember that you will have to suddenly develop amnesia when the Rugby World Cup (yes, they have one of those too) starts in New Zealand next year.

Good luck!

What he's really thinking over dinner...

You know... there comes a time in every man's life, when he looks at the woman he's with and feels overwhelmed.. Over a candle lit dinner, he sees her eyes light up as she speaks to him. He sees her face break into the sweetest of smiles as he makes his usual lame jokes. He sees her fiddle with her food as the both of them soak up the pleasure of each others company. And it is often at that moment that he is filled with a burning question that he just HAS to ask her what would probably be the most defining moment of their romantic night out....

"..................................Are you going to eat that?" 

:-P

Cheers everyone. Have a good weekend!