Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Happy I Am
We live in such times, where a person’s greatness is often measured by his stature in society, where wealth measured almost exclusively by the amount of money you have. And in turn, greatness and wealth is used to measure happiness.
Happiness; that elusive state of heart and mind we we all struggle to achieve.
Let me tell you a secret……
I have been cheating.
Because I am neither great,
nor wealthy,
yet,
I am Happy
;-)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Simple Things
Simple things make me happy; like watching the look on my other half when
I make her laugh; like seeing a beautiful sunrise and being glad that I force
myself out of bed; like feeling the intimacy of a warm hug.
My other half tells me that I seldom laugh. Instead, I smile a lot. She
says there’s this look on my face when I smile. While some seem the kind that
burst out in happy laugher, I was the kind that gave a mild and controlled grin
that only hinted at the joy that was truly held within.
It still shocks me how well she can read me sometimes.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Life In a Cup
Happiness is knowing that all good things will come to an end, and being OK with that..
Happiness is knowing that bad things happen, even to good people, and knowing how to accept it.
Happiness is knowing that suffering and sadness not as a hindrance to happiness, but rather a natural reciprocate of it, that makes life what it is. Where happiness is the sweet part, sadness and suffering is the bitter part.
Like a shot of freshly brewed espresso, life's richest aromas are often bittersweet. If you take away the bitter part, wanting only the sweet... it wouldn't be much of a coffee.... or life...... would it?
Think about that next time you're drinking a cuppa..
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Man Can Change His Stars
hey you..
Sorry if I haven't posted anything in a while now. Or rather, sorry if I haven't posted anything GOOD for a while now. It's probably because I haven't been feeling particularly inspired of late. Whenever I think of posting, I am faced with a dilemma. To write regularly (even when there's nothing great to write about) and have a consistent flow of mediocre post.. just for the sake of activity on this blog... or be a purist... and blog ONLY when there's some really awesome thing I want to say (no matter if that means one post in 6 days or 6 months).
Sometimes,, the words flow out of me so naturally like song. The words gush out in beautiful prose.. beautiful pieces of poetry that became as much a joy to write as it is to read. Other times, it's like vomit that just won't come out. You try to regurgitate it.. you make awful noises, then finally, a lump of puke just gets thrown out in the most disgusting fashion.
Anyway.............
The year has been very much a 'grit your teeth and slug it out' kinda year so far. Not that life has taken a downturn suddenly. If you haven't read any dramatic or emotional post of late, it's mainly because there hasn't been any dramatic or emotional incidences of late. The only difference is.. I've been working extra hard at life... trying to achieve things... trying.... to change my stars.... a lot like what Heath Ledger was doing in this movie A Knights Tale. (What a brilliant actor he was)
"A man CAN change his stars. And I won't spend the rest of my life as NOTHING." said William.
"We're the sons of peasants. Glory and riches and stars are beyond our grasp. But a full stomach; THAT dream can come true" said Wat
"Roland, please.....With thirteen silver pieces three men can change their stars." said William.
"...........[ponders]....... God love you William.." said Roland.
It's just a movie... but can't you just tell how even in todays world, this is how we all are? Hundreds of years later, with so many advances in technology, philosophy and science we are all still trapped in a society where the majority of people do not dream of anything beyond keeping their stomachs full... because any dream beyond that would be more of a fantasy. Despite all our grumbling, we are all contented to just get by. We say we'd like to shoot for the stars, but we really just want to stay at home where it's safe. We believe that great achievements and success belong to other people who have it gifted on a silver platter.. that it's just somehow their fate.. and not ours. "Since I wasn't born with it, it's not mine to have."
Perhaps I'm just a foolish hoper... but I am inclined to believe what the character William said in the end... that with just thirteen silver pieces.. three man CAN change their stars.
And it all starts with believing.
Sorry if I haven't posted anything in a while now. Or rather, sorry if I haven't posted anything GOOD for a while now. It's probably because I haven't been feeling particularly inspired of late. Whenever I think of posting, I am faced with a dilemma. To write regularly (even when there's nothing great to write about) and have a consistent flow of mediocre post.. just for the sake of activity on this blog... or be a purist... and blog ONLY when there's some really awesome thing I want to say (no matter if that means one post in 6 days or 6 months).
Sometimes,, the words flow out of me so naturally like song. The words gush out in beautiful prose.. beautiful pieces of poetry that became as much a joy to write as it is to read. Other times, it's like vomit that just won't come out. You try to regurgitate it.. you make awful noises, then finally, a lump of puke just gets thrown out in the most disgusting fashion.
Anyway.............
The year has been very much a 'grit your teeth and slug it out' kinda year so far. Not that life has taken a downturn suddenly. If you haven't read any dramatic or emotional post of late, it's mainly because there hasn't been any dramatic or emotional incidences of late. The only difference is.. I've been working extra hard at life... trying to achieve things... trying.... to change my stars.... a lot like what Heath Ledger was doing in this movie A Knights Tale. (What a brilliant actor he was)
"A man CAN change his stars. And I won't spend the rest of my life as NOTHING." said William.
"We're the sons of peasants. Glory and riches and stars are beyond our grasp. But a full stomach; THAT dream can come true" said Wat
"Roland, please.....With thirteen silver pieces three men can change their stars." said William.
"...........[ponders]....... God love you William.." said Roland.
It's just a movie... but can't you just tell how even in todays world, this is how we all are? Hundreds of years later, with so many advances in technology, philosophy and science we are all still trapped in a society where the majority of people do not dream of anything beyond keeping their stomachs full... because any dream beyond that would be more of a fantasy. Despite all our grumbling, we are all contented to just get by. We say we'd like to shoot for the stars, but we really just want to stay at home where it's safe. We believe that great achievements and success belong to other people who have it gifted on a silver platter.. that it's just somehow their fate.. and not ours. "Since I wasn't born with it, it's not mine to have."
Perhaps I'm just a foolish hoper... but I am inclined to believe what the character William said in the end... that with just thirteen silver pieces.. three man CAN change their stars.
And it all starts with believing.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Road to Happiness II
There is a disease in all of us. It’s sometimes called consumerism, it’s sometimes called materialism. But at the heart of it, it’s just something really simple – wanting more.
We always want more; bigger house, bigger car, fancier phone, nicer cloths, better food. Nothing wrong about wanting more, but the question is why? Why do we always want more?
A man fresh out of college would be ecstatic at owning his first car, even if it was just a clunky old frame with four wheels. Everyone knows the feeling of receiving a full pay check for the first time. We feel immensely satisfied. We feel like we’ve just received all that we could ever want and need at the time. We feel like we have enough.
But that feeling of enough never seems to last, does it? Suddenly we just can’t live with that squeaky sound from the car, it acts up too much, and driving a clunky old thing around Sri Hartamas just feel like an embarrassment. And that paycheck - a sum that earlier felt more like more money than you ever need becomes simply not enough.
Have you ever wondered about that? Why your first small paycheque could satisfy you the way you current one cannot? Why your old Nokia 3310 with no Bluetooth, no colour screen, no MMS, no Wifi, no 3G, was enough for you back but not anymore?
When we finally work hard, slog it out, and get that bit more, it’s not quite as satisfying as you thought it would be. There still are other better things to acquire. We remain none the happier. In fact, we become more miserable because now that we’ve just got this, we already want something else.
Our needs grow in proportion to how much we have. We get hungry faster and faster because our appetites get bigger and bigger. We find the need to always be acquiring bigger, better and more expensive things just to continue being happy and satisfied. It’s a law of Diminishing Returns. You spend more and more, to gain less and less levels of satisfaction.
The fundamental reason behind all of this is actually money and how we believe that it makes us happy.
We believe in money. And why not right? We’ve all seen the power of money; it’s ability to elevate us, to give us options, to open up doors, to solve problems, to provide instant gratification, to guarantee security, to afford comfort, to pretty much take care of every conceivable worldly need a person could have and so much more. There are plenty of people who will laugh and call you naïve and idealistic for saying that money can’t buy you happiness. They will cite to you many valid examples and situations where money can indeed buy you some form of happiness, or at least contribute to it; giving your family that holiday she always dreamt of, giving your wife that giant diamond ring, giving your child that toy they’ve been wanting all year, giving your parents that massage chair for the back. It’s hard for anyone to deny the essentialness of money and its benefits. There is nothing wrong with trying to earn a living and nothing wrong with wanting to do it well. The popular phrase ‘money is the root to all evil’ is actually untrue and misquoted.
But be weary. While money affords you many good things, it also affords and cost you more than you realize. People who have an abundance of wealth afford for themselves the ability to be insulated from the world, its sufferings and its needs. They become detached and live in a bubble far from reality. Those born into wealthy families are deprived of the opportunity for self achievement, of learning the importance of money (beyond their personal comfort). As a result, they sometimes become selfish, self centred with strong feelings of self importance, yet sorely lacking in self confidence. But mostly, the lack of any sort of suffering and overflow of comfort in their lives mean they forget, or never get a chance to know how true happiness is really obtained in life.
If more money does indeed mean more happiness, why aren’t the richest people in the world also the happiest in the world? Why did Mr. Adolf Merckle who was worth billions of dollars commit suicide, while Mr Matthieu Ricard , French monk living in Tibet clinically declared the Happiest Man In the World? Mr. Merckle committed suicide after he lost the bulk of his fortune. I’m pretty sure he still had a lot of spare change, but still he despaired in life and chose to end it. Mr Ricard monk owns nothing, yet has somehow found happiness. The reason we’re still not happier after having more money is because money is meant to be a means to an end, not an end in itself. But we’ve distorted (or forgotten) that and have made money and material gains an end goal.
Let me try to propose something to you
The road to happiness in life is actually the same road to meaning and purpose. To find one is to find the other. Regardless of how much (or for most of us, how little) money you have, happiness is actually found in doing meaningful things and discovering purpose in life. A man with great wealth will still be unhappy if he cannot find meaningful things to do with their money beyond serving themselves. That’s why you see wealthy people so eager to develop other people, set up charities and fund philanthropic efforts. They are each trying to do something that has a higher purpose. And for normal people who are unhappy, what you’re really looking for isn’t money, its meaning.
What are the deeper meanings things in life then? What higher purpose should we be aiming for then? What ARE the things we should do in life that will make us happy?
There’s no need to try to tell you what these things are. I suspect that deep down inside, each of us personally know what that is. But I’ll tell you this much –it’s not by adding onto ourselves, and its not by making even more money.
Cheers.
Other similar things I wrote here and here
We always want more; bigger house, bigger car, fancier phone, nicer cloths, better food. Nothing wrong about wanting more, but the question is why? Why do we always want more?
A man fresh out of college would be ecstatic at owning his first car, even if it was just a clunky old frame with four wheels. Everyone knows the feeling of receiving a full pay check for the first time. We feel immensely satisfied. We feel like we’ve just received all that we could ever want and need at the time. We feel like we have enough.
But that feeling of enough never seems to last, does it? Suddenly we just can’t live with that squeaky sound from the car, it acts up too much, and driving a clunky old thing around Sri Hartamas just feel like an embarrassment. And that paycheck - a sum that earlier felt more like more money than you ever need becomes simply not enough.
Have you ever wondered about that? Why your first small paycheque could satisfy you the way you current one cannot? Why your old Nokia 3310 with no Bluetooth, no colour screen, no MMS, no Wifi, no 3G, was enough for you back but not anymore?
When we finally work hard, slog it out, and get that bit more, it’s not quite as satisfying as you thought it would be. There still are other better things to acquire. We remain none the happier. In fact, we become more miserable because now that we’ve just got this, we already want something else.
Our needs grow in proportion to how much we have. We get hungry faster and faster because our appetites get bigger and bigger. We find the need to always be acquiring bigger, better and more expensive things just to continue being happy and satisfied. It’s a law of Diminishing Returns. You spend more and more, to gain less and less levels of satisfaction.
The fundamental reason behind all of this is actually money and how we believe that it makes us happy.
We believe in money. And why not right? We’ve all seen the power of money; it’s ability to elevate us, to give us options, to open up doors, to solve problems, to provide instant gratification, to guarantee security, to afford comfort, to pretty much take care of every conceivable worldly need a person could have and so much more. There are plenty of people who will laugh and call you naïve and idealistic for saying that money can’t buy you happiness. They will cite to you many valid examples and situations where money can indeed buy you some form of happiness, or at least contribute to it; giving your family that holiday she always dreamt of, giving your wife that giant diamond ring, giving your child that toy they’ve been wanting all year, giving your parents that massage chair for the back. It’s hard for anyone to deny the essentialness of money and its benefits. There is nothing wrong with trying to earn a living and nothing wrong with wanting to do it well. The popular phrase ‘money is the root to all evil’ is actually untrue and misquoted.
But be weary. While money affords you many good things, it also affords and cost you more than you realize. People who have an abundance of wealth afford for themselves the ability to be insulated from the world, its sufferings and its needs. They become detached and live in a bubble far from reality. Those born into wealthy families are deprived of the opportunity for self achievement, of learning the importance of money (beyond their personal comfort). As a result, they sometimes become selfish, self centred with strong feelings of self importance, yet sorely lacking in self confidence. But mostly, the lack of any sort of suffering and overflow of comfort in their lives mean they forget, or never get a chance to know how true happiness is really obtained in life.
If more money does indeed mean more happiness, why aren’t the richest people in the world also the happiest in the world? Why did Mr. Adolf Merckle who was worth billions of dollars commit suicide, while Mr Matthieu Ricard , French monk living in Tibet clinically declared the Happiest Man In the World? Mr. Merckle committed suicide after he lost the bulk of his fortune. I’m pretty sure he still had a lot of spare change, but still he despaired in life and chose to end it. Mr Ricard monk owns nothing, yet has somehow found happiness. The reason we’re still not happier after having more money is because money is meant to be a means to an end, not an end in itself. But we’ve distorted (or forgotten) that and have made money and material gains an end goal.
Let me try to propose something to you
The road to happiness in life is actually the same road to meaning and purpose. To find one is to find the other. Regardless of how much (or for most of us, how little) money you have, happiness is actually found in doing meaningful things and discovering purpose in life. A man with great wealth will still be unhappy if he cannot find meaningful things to do with their money beyond serving themselves. That’s why you see wealthy people so eager to develop other people, set up charities and fund philanthropic efforts. They are each trying to do something that has a higher purpose. And for normal people who are unhappy, what you’re really looking for isn’t money, its meaning.
What are the deeper meanings things in life then? What higher purpose should we be aiming for then? What ARE the things we should do in life that will make us happy?
There’s no need to try to tell you what these things are. I suspect that deep down inside, each of us personally know what that is. But I’ll tell you this much –it’s not by adding onto ourselves, and its not by making even more money.
Cheers.
Other similar things I wrote here and here
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
When You Were Gone
So, how did it feel when in the time I was gone?
Well.. to be frank, the front part was actually quite exciting. I mean.. it’s been a long time since I had only myself to care about, and suddenly I’m have all this freedom to do whatever, wherever, whenever and with whoever. For a good few week I was up and about doing everything, meeting everyone.
Then… the loneliness started to set in. After I had run out of things I wanted to do, I found myself feeling a bit lost. There was no one to go home to. There are only so many times you dared bug your friends in a week. And I started to realize how… well…. Lonely… it felt being all by yourself. I thought back to the last time I was single.. over 8 years ago; how did I manage being so busy, happy and fulfilled all by myself?
I realized that if I was going to survive the next year, I had to re-learn how to be by myself again. I started doing the things I used to enjoy doing when I was by myself – I picked up the guitar a lot more, I started writing more, meeting up with friends, reading. And in a way it helped. It helped me remember how I was like before…
And then?
And after a good few months of doing it.. I guess eventually got into the groove of surviving on my own again. I hardly stayed home, I was always out with people.. and whenever I was free, I headed to Starbucks instead of home….. I guess I knew being at home would just make me feel more depressed. While I missed you terribly, I had to find a way to get by without you without feeling totally miserable.
I longed and missed the constant companionship, the laughs, the emotional intimacy, the comfort of having someone physically there beside you… but I also started to enjoy the freedom, the flexibility, and the care free nature of being just by myself.
So in other words, you got on just fine without me?
Well.. I don’t mean it in THAT way. I managed to cope, yes. But being alone also made me more aware than ever about what how it is like being with someone. I was always aware of the fact that I was alone… and while I did learn the joys of singlehood all over again, I also was sorely missing the joys of being a couple .... and after knowing both, I actually knew with greater certainly, which one I wanted for myself…
And which one is that??
Singlehood of course!
WHAT?
……… Just kidding dear. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
All You Need Is....
Gosh.... I wish someone would just whisk me away to the North pole this Christmas.
Work has been such a drag these days. What I usually get done in an hour is taking days. What I'm supposed to get done in days is taking forever. Maybe it's because of the Christmas season. Whatever it is, I'm definitely not in the mood to do anything productive at work.
A lot of has been on my mind of late (as always)... about love, about money, about the future.. about life. A quick look at my last 5 post usually tells me the general state of mind I'm in at a particular time.
One thing I'm starting to take note of is this - people tend to open up to me.
Initially, I thought it was just a fluke. Everyone needs someone to talk to.. it's naturally for them to talk to the closest person willing to listen And it just so happens that I'm there. No biggie right? But then after a while, I started counting and it was like "Gee...is this just the way things are or am am I starting to look too much like Dr. Phil?"
For example, I think a year back, someone sent me an email telling me about the loss of her boyfriend in a war, and asked for advise. Not too long ago, some guy sent me another email, talking to me about his relationship problems and about how women just don't seem to like him. He asked me what he can do about it. And mind you, I don't even know these people. A colleague suddenly started rattling away about how frustrated she was with her husband and how she seemed to have lost her social circle and life. There are other, but these are just some examples.
I enjoy listening to people and trying to help out. This whole thing of emotional truths, deep seated feelings, fears and frustrations..... I connect with it. To me, it feels a lot like a gateway to a person's soul. When they share something with me, I feel I am that much closer, that much deeper in into the persons mind and heart.
And unsurprisingly, here’s the common theme - love. As cheesy as that sounds, love is the biggest source of people’s joy and heartache. Everyone wants to feel love and needed, everyone's trying their best to love, and nobody's finding it easy. A lot of people talk about wanting to find meaning and happiness in their life without really realizing that meaning and happiness are ultimately the product of love - both in the giving and receiving of it. It's not just the couples and romantic kind of love... but just love in general.
I realize that a lot of the happiest and most contented people I know are often the people who have love in their life. You know it by the way they talk and act. They are often patient, giving, self sacrificial, selfess. They're always giving people things, doing favours for people or helping someone out. And it's almost like the less they keep and the more they give, the happier they are. People who have love are also surprisingly brave. They dare do things beyond what others tell them is the limit, they dare take on task / missions seemingly bigger than themselves… and they often do it for the sake of something or someone else.
And the people who seem to forever be discontented and hungry for something, feeling like something is 'missing' in their life; they have very little experience of giving and receiving love. They are condition more to taking, achieving and winning (not that any of that is evil). There is a very distinct selfish, self preserving nature about them. They are often brave too.. usually for reasons that are to their own benefit. But no one’s perfect, and I believe we all find ourselves to be like that at one time or another.
This Christmas, my thoughts will be on the ones who shared their problems with me this year. A lot of them carry with them problems and burdens beyond what mere advice (however good) can solve. What they need is a seed of love in their life that will grow, take root and keep them grounded and steady through the storms of life. And that seed, only God can plant.
God bless you dear friend.
Work has been such a drag these days. What I usually get done in an hour is taking days. What I'm supposed to get done in days is taking forever. Maybe it's because of the Christmas season. Whatever it is, I'm definitely not in the mood to do anything productive at work.
A lot of has been on my mind of late (as always)... about love, about money, about the future.. about life. A quick look at my last 5 post usually tells me the general state of mind I'm in at a particular time.
One thing I'm starting to take note of is this - people tend to open up to me.
Initially, I thought it was just a fluke. Everyone needs someone to talk to.. it's naturally for them to talk to the closest person willing to listen And it just so happens that I'm there. No biggie right? But then after a while, I started counting and it was like "Gee...is this just the way things are or am am I starting to look too much like Dr. Phil?"
For example, I think a year back, someone sent me an email telling me about the loss of her boyfriend in a war, and asked for advise. Not too long ago, some guy sent me another email, talking to me about his relationship problems and about how women just don't seem to like him. He asked me what he can do about it. And mind you, I don't even know these people. A colleague suddenly started rattling away about how frustrated she was with her husband and how she seemed to have lost her social circle and life. There are other, but these are just some examples.
I enjoy listening to people and trying to help out. This whole thing of emotional truths, deep seated feelings, fears and frustrations..... I connect with it. To me, it feels a lot like a gateway to a person's soul. When they share something with me, I feel I am that much closer, that much deeper in into the persons mind and heart.
And unsurprisingly, here’s the common theme - love. As cheesy as that sounds, love is the biggest source of people’s joy and heartache. Everyone wants to feel love and needed, everyone's trying their best to love, and nobody's finding it easy. A lot of people talk about wanting to find meaning and happiness in their life without really realizing that meaning and happiness are ultimately the product of love - both in the giving and receiving of it. It's not just the couples and romantic kind of love... but just love in general.
I realize that a lot of the happiest and most contented people I know are often the people who have love in their life. You know it by the way they talk and act. They are often patient, giving, self sacrificial, selfess. They're always giving people things, doing favours for people or helping someone out. And it's almost like the less they keep and the more they give, the happier they are. People who have love are also surprisingly brave. They dare do things beyond what others tell them is the limit, they dare take on task / missions seemingly bigger than themselves… and they often do it for the sake of something or someone else.
And the people who seem to forever be discontented and hungry for something, feeling like something is 'missing' in their life; they have very little experience of giving and receiving love. They are condition more to taking, achieving and winning (not that any of that is evil). There is a very distinct selfish, self preserving nature about them. They are often brave too.. usually for reasons that are to their own benefit. But no one’s perfect, and I believe we all find ourselves to be like that at one time or another.
This Christmas, my thoughts will be on the ones who shared their problems with me this year. A lot of them carry with them problems and burdens beyond what mere advice (however good) can solve. What they need is a seed of love in their life that will grow, take root and keep them grounded and steady through the storms of life. And that seed, only God can plant.
God bless you dear friend.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
What's Wrong With A Bit More?
The problem with ‘a bit more’ is…..
Every time we receive, we feel it’s not enough.
"I just need a little bit more.... just that bit more..then I'll have enough.” we say
And every time we do get that ‘bit more’, we find it’s not that much as we first thought.
“I need a bit more… just to survive.” we say
Then more comes and we do have enough to survive, but not enough to be comfortable
“I need a bit more… just to be comfortable.” we say
Then more comes and we do have enough to be comfortable, but not enough to be safe.
“I need a bit more…. just to be safe.” we say
Then more comes and we have enough to be safe… or so we thought, before realizing that the more we have, the more we need.
“Sorry, I STILL need a bit more…. just to be… whatever…….I just know I need it.” we say
On and on it goes….
Our appetites are insatiable. We are gluttons of ‘a bit more’. So much so, we forget that once upon a time, you and I got by with a lot less....... and still felt like we had everything we need in this world.
And that’s the problem with ‘a bit more’….
Every time we receive, we feel it’s not enough.
"I just need a little bit more.... just that bit more..then I'll have enough.” we say
And every time we do get that ‘bit more’, we find it’s not that much as we first thought.
“I need a bit more… just to survive.” we say
Then more comes and we do have enough to survive, but not enough to be comfortable
“I need a bit more… just to be comfortable.” we say
Then more comes and we do have enough to be comfortable, but not enough to be safe.
“I need a bit more…. just to be safe.” we say
Then more comes and we have enough to be safe… or so we thought, before realizing that the more we have, the more we need.
“Sorry, I STILL need a bit more…. just to be… whatever…….I just know I need it.” we say
On and on it goes….
Our appetites are insatiable. We are gluttons of ‘a bit more’. So much so, we forget that once upon a time, you and I got by with a lot less....... and still felt like we had everything we need in this world.
And that’s the problem with ‘a bit more’….
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Important Stuff?
If I asked you to name what the truly important things in life are, what would you say?
Would you say family? Friends? Work? God? Money? What would it be? What do you think you need in order for your life to be well lived?
Some people know exactly what they want to be happy. Other people can't really be bothered. But people like me – I constantly find myself asking this question. People tell me not to think so much, but I find this to be a question we all eventually have to answer at some point. The answer to this seems to define who we are, how we think and the kind of choices we make in life.
Every decision we make in life in some way ties back to what we consider important to us.
3 people I know recently quit their jobs. They wanted to find a different kind of job; something that was less taxing; something that enabled them to be physically with their family more often, even if it meant taking a pay cut. Career and money wasn’t quite important to them as being physically present at home.
I found this act unthinkable. I felt it was a mistake. Because despite living in the 21st century, I still felt that a man’s primary role in the family was to protect and to provide. And since a man’s primary means of providing was his job, to actually commit career suicide and take on a dead end job was unacceptable to me. I love my family. But I felt the way to take care of them was to at least do well in providing.
But there was something there for me to think about. I wonder for a moment if perhaps they have got it right and I’ve got it wrong.
In one of our conversations, my fiancée said to me that money didn’t matter to her. As long as we were together and we had enough, she’s happy. And I felt immensely comforted by that. But it also just made me want to provide even better for such a wonderful person. Surely, she deserved it.
A few days back, I was sitting in the backseat of a car travelling through the rural areas of Thailand. The land seemed so detached from the rest of the world. No big commercial signboards asking you to buy this or buy that, no people with fancy cars and cloths walking around….. nothing around to suggest to you that perhaps your life would be happier if you had that something more (that you can buy for just $99.99 at your nearby department store). There were a bunch of kids running around bare footed and on bikes. I leaned forward in my seat to take a good look at them playing ‘kejar kejar’ (or catch). And against the orange sunset and green paddy fields, I couldn’t imagine anyone being any happier or contented than them. Just a week earlier sitting in a café in Singapore, I felt like I just needed to get that latest Blackberry phone before I could feel happy.
I leaned back at my seat and asked myself “What is this all for? If I make it good in life and give everyone everything they can want, will I have the kind of happiness these simple kids have? Is having more really going to give me more happiness?”
And even though my own answer to this question was “No, money doesn’t make you happy”, here I was chasing the dollar just like everyone else. Here I was busting my butt, working hard, travelling extensively, sacrificing weeknights and weekends, minding my career, all in the name of gaining more.
I asked myself if I ever could just let it all go and do what those three men did – get a dead end job and spend more time with your family. I few conversations with people about these things and I half joked that one day I would just quit and be a teacher. Some actually encouraged me to do so whereas the most of them said it wouldn’t be a surprise considering ‘its you’ (whatever that’s supposed to mean).
But my answer to myself was still no. Not because I don’t want to…… but because I dare not.
If I wasn’t providing for my family, I wouldn’t know what I would be doing. My identity has now tied back to my job more than I’d like it to.
Back at the hotel, I booted my computer and tried to write again (for the tenth time) what I thought really mattered in life. After a few paragraphs, I realized I was just regurgitating the same old stuff I had already said before. So I stopped.
I asked myself at which points in my life do I feel the most contented and happy. For some people it’s when they have achieved some sort of goal in life. But honestly, I have never harboured any sort of ‘things I must achieve’ in life. Believe it or not, I actually do not know where my life is leading, or where I want to end up. But I realized over the past year or so that my happiest and most memorable moments were always when particular relationships were blossoming or going well. And the most painful ones were almost always at the breakdown or deterioration of it. Healing only came to me when relationships were restored.
I guess relationships are one of the most important things to me.
Perhaps this is true for everyone else too…. but I wonder if this is more so for me than others.
Then I wondered again.. then why haven't I quit my job?
Would you say family? Friends? Work? God? Money? What would it be? What do you think you need in order for your life to be well lived?
Some people know exactly what they want to be happy. Other people can't really be bothered. But people like me – I constantly find myself asking this question. People tell me not to think so much, but I find this to be a question we all eventually have to answer at some point. The answer to this seems to define who we are, how we think and the kind of choices we make in life.
Every decision we make in life in some way ties back to what we consider important to us.
3 people I know recently quit their jobs. They wanted to find a different kind of job; something that was less taxing; something that enabled them to be physically with their family more often, even if it meant taking a pay cut. Career and money wasn’t quite important to them as being physically present at home.
I found this act unthinkable. I felt it was a mistake. Because despite living in the 21st century, I still felt that a man’s primary role in the family was to protect and to provide. And since a man’s primary means of providing was his job, to actually commit career suicide and take on a dead end job was unacceptable to me. I love my family. But I felt the way to take care of them was to at least do well in providing.
But there was something there for me to think about. I wonder for a moment if perhaps they have got it right and I’ve got it wrong.
In one of our conversations, my fiancée said to me that money didn’t matter to her. As long as we were together and we had enough, she’s happy. And I felt immensely comforted by that. But it also just made me want to provide even better for such a wonderful person. Surely, she deserved it.
A few days back, I was sitting in the backseat of a car travelling through the rural areas of Thailand. The land seemed so detached from the rest of the world. No big commercial signboards asking you to buy this or buy that, no people with fancy cars and cloths walking around….. nothing around to suggest to you that perhaps your life would be happier if you had that something more (that you can buy for just $99.99 at your nearby department store). There were a bunch of kids running around bare footed and on bikes. I leaned forward in my seat to take a good look at them playing ‘kejar kejar’ (or catch). And against the orange sunset and green paddy fields, I couldn’t imagine anyone being any happier or contented than them. Just a week earlier sitting in a café in Singapore, I felt like I just needed to get that latest Blackberry phone before I could feel happy.
I leaned back at my seat and asked myself “What is this all for? If I make it good in life and give everyone everything they can want, will I have the kind of happiness these simple kids have? Is having more really going to give me more happiness?”
And even though my own answer to this question was “No, money doesn’t make you happy”, here I was chasing the dollar just like everyone else. Here I was busting my butt, working hard, travelling extensively, sacrificing weeknights and weekends, minding my career, all in the name of gaining more.
I asked myself if I ever could just let it all go and do what those three men did – get a dead end job and spend more time with your family. I few conversations with people about these things and I half joked that one day I would just quit and be a teacher. Some actually encouraged me to do so whereas the most of them said it wouldn’t be a surprise considering ‘its you’ (whatever that’s supposed to mean).
But my answer to myself was still no. Not because I don’t want to…… but because I dare not.
If I wasn’t providing for my family, I wouldn’t know what I would be doing. My identity has now tied back to my job more than I’d like it to.
Back at the hotel, I booted my computer and tried to write again (for the tenth time) what I thought really mattered in life. After a few paragraphs, I realized I was just regurgitating the same old stuff I had already said before. So I stopped.
I asked myself at which points in my life do I feel the most contented and happy. For some people it’s when they have achieved some sort of goal in life. But honestly, I have never harboured any sort of ‘things I must achieve’ in life. Believe it or not, I actually do not know where my life is leading, or where I want to end up. But I realized over the past year or so that my happiest and most memorable moments were always when particular relationships were blossoming or going well. And the most painful ones were almost always at the breakdown or deterioration of it. Healing only came to me when relationships were restored.
I guess relationships are one of the most important things to me.
Perhaps this is true for everyone else too…. but I wonder if this is more so for me than others.
Then I wondered again.. then why haven't I quit my job?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Let Go..
You think you’ve got it all figured out, but you don’t. You think you know what you want, but you don’t. You think that you don’t care, but you will. You think that this feeling you have inside is all that matters, but it isn’t. You think everyone’s against you, they aren’t. You think the problem is that no one understands you. But in truth, the real problem is, you don’t understand yourself.
I feel your pain. Other people tell you to start using more of your head and less of your heart. But I disagree. Man cannot live life disregarding to his emotions. We are as much emotional beings as we are logical ones. To do only the ‘correct’ thing all the time every time robs us of our humanity, cheats us of our compassion. And to me, it is a good thing that you have chosen to go through life without denying what you feel inside. Many people take the less painful road of pretending they don’t feel what they feel in their hearts simply because it’s easier. And you have not.
You find yourself face with a tough choice to make.
You’re all gung ho now thinking how ready you are now to make a choice. But like I told you, there is a price to pay for everything decision you make in life. Hold your horses and give it some thought. How far are you willing to go? What is the price you are willing to pay? You may spend the rest of your life living with the effects of this decision. Are you prepared for that?
A lot of people will tell you to do this or do that. And you feel like they don’t really understand you enough to give you correct advice. And it’s true. They may not really know any better. They might be wrong in their opinion, but their intentions are right.
Make this decision and you must be prepared for the world to turn its back on you; you will be mocked, sneered and laughed at for making a bad choice. And though you may feel in your heart that it is in fact the right one, be prepared to swallow the bitter pill of being proven wrong.
Make that decision, and you can expect to receive nodding approvals from the world over; you’ll be patted on the back for finally coming to your senses and making good and sound decisions. But be prepared to see just how wrong other people can be.
It sounds impossible doesn’t it?
What I’m trying to say is, ultimately, it boils down to you. You must live with the decisions you make in life. There is no one to blame; not other people, not even yourself. It’s part of growing up. People often worry about making the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision in life.. Like it or not, you will have to make decisions at many crossroads in life. Some will be easy, some will be hard. Some will be merely academic, some will be critical. Some will have no consequences at all, some will be life changing… Some will lead you through muddy roads, some through smooth highways and some even to dead ends. Whichever ones you end up on, it is still you having to make the journey, not others.
To me, the ‘right’ decision simply means finding myself on the road I gladly thread on, be it in muddy roads, smooth highways or dead ends. A road travelled with a happy heart will always be the right one – wherever that leads you. You may have to pay or suffer much for it, you may find yourself having to make a U-turn, but if given a chance you’d still do it all over again, … I’d say the price you pay was well worth it. We like to imagine that there is this ‘one road’ that is the ‘right one’. But to me, what’s more important than which road you take is how you chose to journey it. A road – any road travelled in the right way, in the right spirit eventually becomes the right one.
You say you’re in love.
I’ll say this much; love is costly. And rightfully so. Everything ever worth having in this life will always come with a great price. You will be made to struggle, sacrifices, and fight for the things you want most badly. You will find yourself being tested to the very ends of your wits. If you say you’re in love, know that love will require you to make expensive sacrifices… sacrifices you will have to make at your own free will. And you don’t know if it’s ever going to pay off at all.
So let me ask you this…Are you sure you what you have is love? Or is it merely an infatuation? Have you really truly come to understand what it means to love someone…and be loved by someone…. not in the romantic I-love-you-like-the-moon-and-the-stars kind of love, but it a very real, sacrificial, unwavering, unconditional sort of way? True love always exhibits selflessness, sacrifice, forgiveness, kindness, humility and honesty. When you say you love this person, and that person loves you back… are there signs of these traits? Are you prepared to translate what you feel inside into real genuine acts on the outside?
Our hearts often get smothered with intense feelings of passion and euphoria.. and we call this love. But love is so much more than that. Love runs deep. It has roots. It’s hard to spot sometimes, because what we see and perceive of love is often only the surface part of it. The real difference is underneath, where the roots run downwards to form the foundation and give it the firmness and staying power. Depth; it’s the difference between a love that will last and love that withers.
You talk about how it’s God that’s putting all of this before you, punishing you for all the bad things you’ve done. You say it’s Karma. Karma means that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. You get as much as you give. And certainly, knowing the things you’ve done it’s easy to want to agree. But I don’t. I cannot believe in Karma. Because I’ve seen good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.
I believe that every obstacle put before us in life is meant for our growth. I believe that when we screw up and make wrong decisions, it’s a reminder of how flawed and imperfect we are, how we should always remain humble, how we should remember not to become arrogant in our ways, and how much we really need help from around and up above. And in some ways, I do believe that’s the lesson you’re meant to learn. You’ve been relying on yourself, relying on your strength thinking it’s what will make you strong. But it’s the very thing that’s causing your downfall. And as long as you pull through on your own, you will never learn the lesson of humility and of putting your truth in something or someone other than yourself.
Let go of the control Alex.
Whatever you choose to do, whatever happens to this love, the wisdom to choose, the courage to act and the strength to persevere will only come once you let go…
I feel your pain. Other people tell you to start using more of your head and less of your heart. But I disagree. Man cannot live life disregarding to his emotions. We are as much emotional beings as we are logical ones. To do only the ‘correct’ thing all the time every time robs us of our humanity, cheats us of our compassion. And to me, it is a good thing that you have chosen to go through life without denying what you feel inside. Many people take the less painful road of pretending they don’t feel what they feel in their hearts simply because it’s easier. And you have not.
You find yourself face with a tough choice to make.
You’re all gung ho now thinking how ready you are now to make a choice. But like I told you, there is a price to pay for everything decision you make in life. Hold your horses and give it some thought. How far are you willing to go? What is the price you are willing to pay? You may spend the rest of your life living with the effects of this decision. Are you prepared for that?
A lot of people will tell you to do this or do that. And you feel like they don’t really understand you enough to give you correct advice. And it’s true. They may not really know any better. They might be wrong in their opinion, but their intentions are right.
Make this decision and you must be prepared for the world to turn its back on you; you will be mocked, sneered and laughed at for making a bad choice. And though you may feel in your heart that it is in fact the right one, be prepared to swallow the bitter pill of being proven wrong.
Make that decision, and you can expect to receive nodding approvals from the world over; you’ll be patted on the back for finally coming to your senses and making good and sound decisions. But be prepared to see just how wrong other people can be.
It sounds impossible doesn’t it?
What I’m trying to say is, ultimately, it boils down to you. You must live with the decisions you make in life. There is no one to blame; not other people, not even yourself. It’s part of growing up. People often worry about making the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision in life.. Like it or not, you will have to make decisions at many crossroads in life. Some will be easy, some will be hard. Some will be merely academic, some will be critical. Some will have no consequences at all, some will be life changing… Some will lead you through muddy roads, some through smooth highways and some even to dead ends. Whichever ones you end up on, it is still you having to make the journey, not others.
To me, the ‘right’ decision simply means finding myself on the road I gladly thread on, be it in muddy roads, smooth highways or dead ends. A road travelled with a happy heart will always be the right one – wherever that leads you. You may have to pay or suffer much for it, you may find yourself having to make a U-turn, but if given a chance you’d still do it all over again, … I’d say the price you pay was well worth it. We like to imagine that there is this ‘one road’ that is the ‘right one’. But to me, what’s more important than which road you take is how you chose to journey it. A road – any road travelled in the right way, in the right spirit eventually becomes the right one.
You say you’re in love.
I’ll say this much; love is costly. And rightfully so. Everything ever worth having in this life will always come with a great price. You will be made to struggle, sacrifices, and fight for the things you want most badly. You will find yourself being tested to the very ends of your wits. If you say you’re in love, know that love will require you to make expensive sacrifices… sacrifices you will have to make at your own free will. And you don’t know if it’s ever going to pay off at all.
So let me ask you this…Are you sure you what you have is love? Or is it merely an infatuation? Have you really truly come to understand what it means to love someone…and be loved by someone…. not in the romantic I-love-you-like-the-moon-and-the-stars kind of love, but it a very real, sacrificial, unwavering, unconditional sort of way? True love always exhibits selflessness, sacrifice, forgiveness, kindness, humility and honesty. When you say you love this person, and that person loves you back… are there signs of these traits? Are you prepared to translate what you feel inside into real genuine acts on the outside?
Our hearts often get smothered with intense feelings of passion and euphoria.. and we call this love. But love is so much more than that. Love runs deep. It has roots. It’s hard to spot sometimes, because what we see and perceive of love is often only the surface part of it. The real difference is underneath, where the roots run downwards to form the foundation and give it the firmness and staying power. Depth; it’s the difference between a love that will last and love that withers.
You talk about how it’s God that’s putting all of this before you, punishing you for all the bad things you’ve done. You say it’s Karma. Karma means that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. You get as much as you give. And certainly, knowing the things you’ve done it’s easy to want to agree. But I don’t. I cannot believe in Karma. Because I’ve seen good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.
I believe that every obstacle put before us in life is meant for our growth. I believe that when we screw up and make wrong decisions, it’s a reminder of how flawed and imperfect we are, how we should always remain humble, how we should remember not to become arrogant in our ways, and how much we really need help from around and up above. And in some ways, I do believe that’s the lesson you’re meant to learn. You’ve been relying on yourself, relying on your strength thinking it’s what will make you strong. But it’s the very thing that’s causing your downfall. And as long as you pull through on your own, you will never learn the lesson of humility and of putting your truth in something or someone other than yourself.
Let go of the control Alex.
Whatever you choose to do, whatever happens to this love, the wisdom to choose, the courage to act and the strength to persevere will only come once you let go…
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It Goes On
Dear You,
It’s time to pick yourself up. Everyone is entitled to scream, kick, shout, groan, whine and wail – and you have done your share. If you feel like you still haven’t done enough, go ahead and get it out of your system. Vent it all out. Don’t keep it in anymore. The longer you keep it in, the more it’s becoming a poison to your heart. I know three months ago you thought you had already moved on. But you find yourself suddenly having to do it all again. It seems you took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I know. But whatever point you find yourself, what matters more than where you’re at, is where you’re heading. So keep your chin up. Stop sulking and start doing something for yourself. Stop bashing yourself up all the time and learn to take care of yourself. And taking care of yourself is not the same as being selfish.
You will do the following:
Life goes on my friend… and so must you. Slowly but surely… so must you.
From
Me
It’s time to pick yourself up. Everyone is entitled to scream, kick, shout, groan, whine and wail – and you have done your share. If you feel like you still haven’t done enough, go ahead and get it out of your system. Vent it all out. Don’t keep it in anymore. The longer you keep it in, the more it’s becoming a poison to your heart. I know three months ago you thought you had already moved on. But you find yourself suddenly having to do it all again. It seems you took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I know. But whatever point you find yourself, what matters more than where you’re at, is where you’re heading. So keep your chin up. Stop sulking and start doing something for yourself. Stop bashing yourself up all the time and learn to take care of yourself. And taking care of yourself is not the same as being selfish.
You will do the following:
- Lose 10 pounds you big fat ass. You haven’t been pushing yourself hard enough.
- Start meeting up with your friends again. You were doing so well. Why the hell did you stop?
- That camera you’ve been waiting to get for so long? Stop whining and buy it already would you?
- Go to church. Join a care group. Meet new people.
- Drive out of town. Take a mini break. Have fun. Bring someone fun who brings out the lighter side of you.
- Stop being so intense. What happen to not taking yourself too seriously? What happened to seeing the lighter side of life? Lighten up.
- Laugh again. You used to be charming, witty and funny. People liked your dry humour and enjoyed your company. Remember, you’re still that same person.
- Stop asking yourself the meaning of life, love, destiny and all that crap too often. I think you’ve given it more than your share of thought. If you still haven’t figured it out, the best thing to do is leave it alone and come back another time. Answers come as life unfolds.
- Cut down on time spent in front of the computer. Facebook is starting to be a disease. Cut that out. Virtual reality isn’t reality. Your real friends are flesh and blood, not ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ and they are but a phone call away.
- Blogging is fine, but try writing something cheerful for a change. Share something insightful that doesn’t involve you feeling like the worlds this dark, evil gloomy place.
- Hang in there. If you’re feeling down, something it’s just a matter of holding on a bit longer.
- Remember that there are people who love you. Your fiancée. Your family. Your close friends. They love you. You can lean on them for support. You need them as much as they need you. Remember that.
- Give yourself time. You’ve seen how time heals even the deepest wounds. I know you feel it’s taking longer than it ought to, but the heart moves at its own pace. You know that. So be patient and wait. You’ll be okay.
- Let go. You don’t control your life. God does. You wrote that yourself. So now, live and trust that the future will come as it may.
- Forgive yourself. You were waiting for forgiveness from others, and now you have it. So why not take the next step? Forgive yourself. It’s okay... Set yourself free. Let go of the guilt. Moving on does not diminish the significance of the past. You have to stop thinking that.
- Do the things that you know you enjoy; evening walks in the park where birds chirp and children laugh and play; late night outs with friends chatting the night away; playing your guitar; reading a good book; good food and red wine.
Life goes on my friend… and so must you. Slowly but surely… so must you.
From
Me
Friday, August 13, 2010
A confession
I’m a serious person. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.
Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.
A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.
(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)
There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.
I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.
I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.
Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.
Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….
Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.
Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.
God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.
An admission;
A confession;
I’m lonely.
I’m shattered.
I’m depressed.
Like I said earlier, I have been questioning myself more and more over the last few weeks. I can feel in my heart that I’m not happy. People never see it because when I’m around them, I’m generally fine. It’s when I’m alone, left to my own thoughts that the gloom starts to come over my head. The strange part of it is, I am aware of what’s happening, and yet I can’t help myself.
A person who read this blog left a comment that I’m asking myself too many questions and that I’m making a nightmare out of my own life.
(Thank you NL for your comment. Please consider this my reply)
There was some truth in that statement. Perhaps I have been digging myself into a hole. Perhaps I have doubted a bit too much. But I have always been a reflective person. It’s who I am. The world needs a bit more honesty; to others, to one another, but mostly, to one's self. That's where the journey to finding yourself begins. It’s the header of this blog. I wrote that because that has always been what I believe. We find the truth about ourselves when we are willing to confront what’s hidden inside.
I ask myself if I was in fact clinically depressed. I had to seriously consider this because my family had a history of depression. My mother suffered from depression. And my personality was a lot like hers. I took a quick test online. In fact, I took a few. And the results all came back the same – that I was showing signs of depression.
I found this impossible to deny. I find myself living in a long dark tunnel over the past few months. Nothing bothered me in particular and yet I find myself feeling gloomy and unhappy. I didn’t go around sulking at everybody…. I just don’t laugh as much as I used to. I found myself avoiding people. I found myself rather spending time alone that to go out with people. The only exceptions were my family and friends I considered close. I constantly struggle through feelings of loneliness, guilt and worthlessness and even self-resentment.
Loneliness…. because the woman I loved was sitting five thousand miles away. She and I had been living together for the past 8 years of our relationship. She left to work in the middle east for a year and I have been alone for the past 10 months. In that time, I have gone through many stages of trying to cope with her absence. She was the sunshine that filled my day. If we were a song, she was the melody and I was the words. And now that she is away, my words feel dry, harsh and lifeless. It’s been hard… harder than I’ve been willing to admit. I’ve been trying to battle the loneliness.. going out, meeting friends, working hard, keeping busy.. and yet deep in my heart I know I am still lonely. After 8 years of constantly having someone around to listen to you, to keep you company, to hear your lame jokes, to nag you at you, clean up after you, chasing you to come home early, go out for dinners with, having to suddenly do everything alone… it’s hard… hard not because those things are more difficult to do… but everything I do, I do with a feeling of emptiness.
Guilt because I did some things I have not been proud of. When I was young, my mother kept telling me that when I grew up, I was not to become like my father – an adulterer who had a weak spot for women. I told her and myself that I would never do that. And yet, I did. I fell in love with another woman. Or at least I think I did. I’m still not sure. But I know this. I met an amazing woman, and despite already being in a serious and committed relationship, I found myself being swept completely off my feet. I don’t know if the loneliness had anything to do with it, but for a long while she was all I had eyes for. It felt completely wrong and yet I could not help myself from walking straight into it even when I knew I was walking into a brick wall. She was the only woman I seriously had second thoughts for in all these years. But things came crumbling down as fast as it went up. Despite the obvious chemistry – I think we both knew this was never meant to be and neither one of us wanted to live this lie anymore. It was too painful. And when came to an end, I found myself feeling completely lost and disillusioned. I felt guilty not only for having cheated on my partner, but that also that I had hurt this woman as well….
Over the next few months, I went into this downward spiral of guilt and self-resentment. I hated myself for having done this. I had failed in my bid to stay loyal. I felt like I had secretly let my partner and my mother down. I had turned out to be like my father after all. He could never control his lust. My fiancée would find talk about how some of her friends’ partners had cheated on them, and how she felt so blessed and lucky that I wasn’t like that – and though she never meant it, those words were like daggers to my heart. And with this other someone – I had no idea of knowing what she was going through. She avoided me and I avoided her. We both needed our time to heal. I felt stupid, because I realized that had I not gone down that road we could have been great friends. We could connect and relate to one another. I actually found someone who gets the things I say and the emotions I feel. And for me, that was rare.
Coming out of all that, I was (or am) beaten. I find myself not only with a lonely heart; but an impure and broken one. One that has never felt quite the same ever since. And while I think I have managed to prevent myself from continuing on this downward spiral, I do find myself emotionally at the lowest point in my young adult life. I struggle through feelings of wanting to make amends. I struggle with moving on. I struggle with trying to find proper closure. I struggle with trying to fill out that void of loneliness. I struggle with trying to wake up and not feeling like the biggest idiot in town. The worst part of it all is, it’s all internal. Because outwardly, I’m fine. Outwardly, I function. Outwardly, I’m OK. Everything that is required of me, everything in my care, I have done and cared for in the most normal way. Yet inside, I know I’m still trying to deal with this emotional meltdown. The fact that no one knows, and that no one can know just adds to the feeling of loneliness I feel.
God knows I try not to think so much. I try to focus on living life and keeping busy occupying my time with work. And yet, alone at night I find myself calling out to God to grant me forgiveness, to grant my heart peace, to give me opportunity to make amends, to stop having these feelings of gloom, sadness, guilt, shame and self-resentment. I don’t know what else I can do. The only tears I have shed are dry ones. The only wails I have made are silent ones.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t know if I have even made the point first wanted to make. But there you have it.
An admission;
A confession;
I’m lonely.
I’m shattered.
I’m depressed.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The road to Happiness...
“I just want to be happy.”
That is often the thing a lot of people say to me when talking about life. At some point or another, we have all found ourselves searching for this thing called happiness. In fact, sometimes we think that being happy is one of the most important goals in life. At least I have.
So how do you be happy anyway? I find that the most common way of pursuing happiness…. is by doing everything we can to avoid suffering, sorrow, pain and any other emotion seen as an obstacle to happiness. In other words, we seek comfort. We seek things that make us feel good. We make this sort of correlation that the more comfort you have, the happier you are. And that's usually where money comes in. Money buys you comfort, money makes you suffer less. Hence, money buys you happiness. Most people I know who make it their life’s pursuit aren’t really greedy little goblins who never seem to have enough. In chasing the dollar, they are chasing what they honestly think is what they need to be happy in life.
You know, I do not doubt the value of money. Money IS one of the basic necessities in life. Money also can buy happiness to a certain extent - that holiday, that freedom, that luxury of choices that improve the quality of your life. Money is useful. It opens doors, gives you options, and solves a lot of your problems. In fact, money is so powerful a solution that when you have plenty of it, it becomes a ‘quick fix’ to almost every possible situation you will ever face in life. It’s not hard to imagine why some people put so much weight on money. But as with all ‘quick fixes’, it doesn’t really solve the root of the problem, especially when it’s interpersonal relations. And since interpersonal problems are often our most difficult problems, splashing more money to solve these problems is something equivalent to sweeping things underneath the carpet. Things become a bit more bearable, but haven’t really gone away.
Be wary of money I say. Because with money, you don't know who your true friends are, with money no one ever gets put to the test. You neither know the strength nor weaknesses of your true self, neither the depths of the friendships around you. More importantly, money does not fix the problems of the heart…… And since true happiness comes FROM the heart, money cannot buy you true happiness.
So again, how do you be happy? What is the road to happiness? Let me put this forth to you – there IS no road to happiness.
Why? Because happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at. Instead, it is the manner in which you arrive at wherever life brings you. It’s not which path you take, but how you travel that path. It’s not something you gain after completing a checklist. It’s a way of life. It’s a decision you make. I read a quote once that said “You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~ Lavetta Sue Wegman”. If you’re going to wait till everything’s OK before you be happy… you’re going to be waiting a long long time.
I know what you’re thinking right now. Nonsense. You can’t just psyche yourself to be happy. You simply can’t be happy when there is genuine cause for sorrow. If you do that just be lying to yourself. Yes, There are times when we will not be happy…. and you’d be right not to. You aren’t supposed to be happy if you just lost someone, someone got hurt, or something bad happened to you. Good things happen, bad things happen; the fact is that you will not be happy all the time in life. In this life, there is a time and place for everything…. As it is written:
Contrary to what you may think, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal in life. There is no such thing as being permanently happy throughout your whole life. Times of difficulties.. times of comfort….it’s a cycle of life we all go through. Life isn’t a bed of roses. It tests you. It challenges you. It pushes you, and shoves you to the ground. Not to bring you down…… but to teach you how to get up. Learning how to live is more than just about learning how to be happy.
Those living in denial think it's sweet. Those living in despair think it's bitter. But those living in hope will tell you the truth - life is bittersweet. And the thing we must all learn is to love life in all of its bittersweet nature.
But knowing that there is a time and place for everything and acknowledging that life is bittersweet still does not stop our hearts from yearning for joy. I heard once that the search for happiness is actually a search for soul satisfaction. This intrinsic desire to quench the hunger in our soul exist because we all want to feel the fullness of life; we all want to feel contented; we all want to be happy.
But despite have such a deep yearning for happiness… many of us just scoff when the solution presents itself to us. Why? Because we find it to be too simplistic for our sophisticated minds. We cannot accept that such complicated problem requires such a simple solution.
But here it is….. in just two words.
Be grateful.
In everything give thanks. Not just for the good things in life; the wonderful people you meet; lucky breaks; golden opportunities; good health; material blessings; friends; family, but also for the bad things; obstacles; missed chances; illnesses; mistakes; screw ups; bad people…… Give thanks for everything that you had, have, will have and never will have. Why give thanks? Because whether or not you believe it – everything in life is a gift. Every feeling, every person, every place, every sight, every event, every day….. every moment in your life is a gift. Because life itself is a gift. And just like how our parents thought us when we were kids, you must remember to say ‘Thank You’ when you receive a gift
Who gave us this gift? I think you know. We aren’t here by accident. The gift of life is proof that there is a Maker, to whom we all must face one day. So, when you realize this truth…… there really is every reason to start being grateful.
And here’s the thing.
When you finally learn how to be grateful, you will unwittingly find yourself…….happy.
That is often the thing a lot of people say to me when talking about life. At some point or another, we have all found ourselves searching for this thing called happiness. In fact, sometimes we think that being happy is one of the most important goals in life. At least I have.
So how do you be happy anyway? I find that the most common way of pursuing happiness…. is by doing everything we can to avoid suffering, sorrow, pain and any other emotion seen as an obstacle to happiness. In other words, we seek comfort. We seek things that make us feel good. We make this sort of correlation that the more comfort you have, the happier you are. And that's usually where money comes in. Money buys you comfort, money makes you suffer less. Hence, money buys you happiness. Most people I know who make it their life’s pursuit aren’t really greedy little goblins who never seem to have enough. In chasing the dollar, they are chasing what they honestly think is what they need to be happy in life.
You know, I do not doubt the value of money. Money IS one of the basic necessities in life. Money also can buy happiness to a certain extent - that holiday, that freedom, that luxury of choices that improve the quality of your life. Money is useful. It opens doors, gives you options, and solves a lot of your problems. In fact, money is so powerful a solution that when you have plenty of it, it becomes a ‘quick fix’ to almost every possible situation you will ever face in life. It’s not hard to imagine why some people put so much weight on money. But as with all ‘quick fixes’, it doesn’t really solve the root of the problem, especially when it’s interpersonal relations. And since interpersonal problems are often our most difficult problems, splashing more money to solve these problems is something equivalent to sweeping things underneath the carpet. Things become a bit more bearable, but haven’t really gone away.
Be wary of money I say. Because with money, you don't know who your true friends are, with money no one ever gets put to the test. You neither know the strength nor weaknesses of your true self, neither the depths of the friendships around you. More importantly, money does not fix the problems of the heart…… And since true happiness comes FROM the heart, money cannot buy you true happiness.
So again, how do you be happy? What is the road to happiness? Let me put this forth to you – there IS no road to happiness.
Why? Because happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at. Instead, it is the manner in which you arrive at wherever life brings you. It’s not which path you take, but how you travel that path. It’s not something you gain after completing a checklist. It’s a way of life. It’s a decision you make. I read a quote once that said “You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~ Lavetta Sue Wegman”. If you’re going to wait till everything’s OK before you be happy… you’re going to be waiting a long long time.
I know what you’re thinking right now. Nonsense. You can’t just psyche yourself to be happy. You simply can’t be happy when there is genuine cause for sorrow. If you do that just be lying to yourself. Yes, There are times when we will not be happy…. and you’d be right not to. You aren’t supposed to be happy if you just lost someone, someone got hurt, or something bad happened to you. Good things happen, bad things happen; the fact is that you will not be happy all the time in life. In this life, there is a time and place for everything…. As it is written:
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1~8
Contrary to what you may think, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal in life. There is no such thing as being permanently happy throughout your whole life. Times of difficulties.. times of comfort….it’s a cycle of life we all go through. Life isn’t a bed of roses. It tests you. It challenges you. It pushes you, and shoves you to the ground. Not to bring you down…… but to teach you how to get up. Learning how to live is more than just about learning how to be happy.
Those living in denial think it's sweet. Those living in despair think it's bitter. But those living in hope will tell you the truth - life is bittersweet. And the thing we must all learn is to love life in all of its bittersweet nature.
But knowing that there is a time and place for everything and acknowledging that life is bittersweet still does not stop our hearts from yearning for joy. I heard once that the search for happiness is actually a search for soul satisfaction. This intrinsic desire to quench the hunger in our soul exist because we all want to feel the fullness of life; we all want to feel contented; we all want to be happy.
But despite have such a deep yearning for happiness… many of us just scoff when the solution presents itself to us. Why? Because we find it to be too simplistic for our sophisticated minds. We cannot accept that such complicated problem requires such a simple solution.
But here it is….. in just two words.
Be grateful.
In everything give thanks. Not just for the good things in life; the wonderful people you meet; lucky breaks; golden opportunities; good health; material blessings; friends; family, but also for the bad things; obstacles; missed chances; illnesses; mistakes; screw ups; bad people…… Give thanks for everything that you had, have, will have and never will have. Why give thanks? Because whether or not you believe it – everything in life is a gift. Every feeling, every person, every place, every sight, every event, every day….. every moment in your life is a gift. Because life itself is a gift. And just like how our parents thought us when we were kids, you must remember to say ‘Thank You’ when you receive a gift
Who gave us this gift? I think you know. We aren’t here by accident. The gift of life is proof that there is a Maker, to whom we all must face one day. So, when you realize this truth…… there really is every reason to start being grateful.
And here’s the thing.
When you finally learn how to be grateful, you will unwittingly find yourself…….happy.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I Want to Live...
More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com
Good morning world....
You hear that music? You hear the drums beating?
Today, that's my song.. today my heart beats to that rhythm.
A strong solid thumping that sends the blood in blood running that bit faster.
There's plenty to be upset about, there's plenty to sulk about. Last night as I tucked myself into bed, I found myself thinking about many of the major mistakes I have made in my life. Of course I call them mistakes now because of how they didn't turn out well. I wondered if I knew then what I knew now, would I have done things differently. But that's the thing - the benefit of hindsight always comes after it's too late. I wondered if I should make a few phone calls.. to explain & apologize for the things I did or didn't do. I feel asleep halfway through recollecting who and what I did a wrong against.
But when I woke up, I felt different. The rest did me a lot of good. I walked up to the window and drew the curtains wide open, allowing the sunlight to flood the room. A new day, a new hope. You can't spend your life forever pandering over the sins of the past. Respect your past, hope for your future, but live your life in the present. I decided trying to dig up old stories in attempt to apologize wasn't the way forward. I'd probably get proper closure f I did, but it'd also bring up a painful memories & hurt for all concerned. Completely unnecessary.
I showered and got dressed. Stuffed the ear phones in my head and walked out the door. I was keen to get the day started, keen to get going... keep on living, making more 'mistakes' if I had to. I scrolled down my playlist looking for a song that will get me going that would galvanize me for the rest of the day, and voila, here's The Animal Song by Savage Garden.
Cheers.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Better Man
Why does everyone like to think they are so special? I never get it when people try to be different for the sake of being different. If you do that, you aren't really different at all - you're just trying to be. And what's wrong with being ordinary? What's wrong with being plain, simple and utterly unremarkable in any way whatsoever? Why does the word mediocre come with so many bad connotations?
You know how they say man are all born equal? Well, we all learn soon enough that some are born more equal than others. We all find that some are better than others in certain things. We call them 'talented', 'gifted'.... Nothing wrong with that really... there is no crime in being good at something.... But lets admit it - if there's anything about people who are good, is that an arrogance is born of knowing that we are better than others. We're all good at something, and usually we're proud of it. We don't go around boasting, acting like we're all that... not all of us anyway. But we do take pride that we are better than others in some things.
Faster, smarter, more capable, more creative..... It's always one of these things we measure against each other..... that we're better in some ways...But I don't care much for the talented, intelligent, capable or brilliant. These people are better at what they do... but they aren't necessarily better people.
I'm a simpleton. There is only one worldly achievement I envy people.... that is happier. A happy man knows something that completely eludes a so called 'talented & superior' man.
Find me a man who knows how to be happy in life, and I will follow him to death.
You know how they say man are all born equal? Well, we all learn soon enough that some are born more equal than others. We all find that some are better than others in certain things. We call them 'talented', 'gifted'.... Nothing wrong with that really... there is no crime in being good at something.... But lets admit it - if there's anything about people who are good, is that an arrogance is born of knowing that we are better than others. We're all good at something, and usually we're proud of it. We don't go around boasting, acting like we're all that... not all of us anyway. But we do take pride that we are better than others in some things.
Faster, smarter, more capable, more creative..... It's always one of these things we measure against each other..... that we're better in some ways...But I don't care much for the talented, intelligent, capable or brilliant. These people are better at what they do... but they aren't necessarily better people.
I'm a simpleton. There is only one worldly achievement I envy people.... that is happier. A happy man knows something that completely eludes a so called 'talented & superior' man.
Find me a man who knows how to be happy in life, and I will follow him to death.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Man In Love
I couldn’t help but shake my head. He wasn’t out disappearing on weekends having his fill of women and booze… he was just a man in love.
Something happened to him a few months back. He became non-contactable over the weekend, his work suffered, he couldn’t focus, and worst of all, he kept everything to himself. People had been asking for months and months why, but his lips were sealed. Many though he was more interested in womanizing over the weekends that committing himself to his work. Some thought it was a deliberate act of insubordination and basic I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. Whatever it was, I started to see that his job was in danger.
I had asked a few times before, albeit in the presence of others, but he refused to say anything.
“Family? Friends? Lover? Money? What is it man? Come on, you gotta at least say something. How else can anyone help you?”
“It’s personal", he would reply. "I’m getting it sorted out. Once it’s all sorted out, everything can return to normal. But in the mean time, I can’t be around on weekends, and I can’t tell you why.”
And that was that.. no more questions.
But that night, something changed. We were having a long conversation. The boss was all over his back, and I was trying to help him settle it. I didn’t want to watch another colleague leave. He was perhaps one of the last people who were around when I first joined this company. Most of the others were new, and I was starting to feel rather alone in this company.
We were watching a replay of last night’s game. He being ethnic Indian and all, I jokingly asked when his parents were going to find a wife for him. That was when he spilled the beans.
“I’m already married.”…..
I almost threw up.
“WHAT? You’re joking right?”
He gave me a silent look.
“No shit! Serious?......... What, shotgun marriage? Did you eloped or something?”
“No, nothing like that…it’s hard to explain. I made a mistake OK. But I’m fixing it right now. I just need more time.”
Fixing things - I understood that. Men are perpetually trying to fix things. We pride ourselves with being able to fix everything ourselves.... except dinner of course.
“I met someone, and I fell in love. Just like you and your girl. Do you love her? Are you happy when you are with her? Do you always feel like you want to be with her?”
“Yes.. of course.”
“That’s how it is for me. I never believe all this crap about people falling in love before. I thought all those crushes was love. But when I met this girl, I was like ‘Shit… so THIS is love’…. When I’m with her.. I’m HAPPY. Can you understand that? I’m HAPPY. Every weekend, every free time I have, I want to spend with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
I smiled. I had never seen this side of him before. It’s weird when you’re used to seeing someone in a certain way before suddenly discovering a how new side of them. He had this spark in his eyes and this smile on his face. I knew that look well……. It’s the kind of look people always had when talking about something they’re passionate about. And this man was passionate. This man was in love. But his love also came with many complications.
“Why haven’t you told anyone? Not even your parents and family?”
“It’s complicated….. Look, I haven’t been home since November. How am I supposed to just show up and tell them I’m in love and that I’m married?”
Traditional Indian families aren’t always receptive of inter racial marriages for one. His mom had been saving up money for his future dowry. No doubt they already had a candidate in mind. This girl wasn’t Hindu. Heck, she wasn’t even Singaporean or Malaysian, but Indonesian. She was Muslim, which was another problem. To properly marry a Muslim girl in Malaysia, one had to first convert to the religion. He didn’t really care, but he definitely did not want to convert his own religion. He said they were trying to get her religion officially converted to Christianity – the seemingly neutral ground.
To complicate matters, they had actually gotten married secretly. Or more accurately, HE had gotten married secretly. Society expects people to get married in an orderly fashion; court, date, engage, marry. And if you’re going to marry someone, marry someone decent.. not some girl you met in Batam under questionable circumstances. But that’s what he did. He took a boat ride to Indonesia one weekend thinking he was just there to have fun, but instead, met a girl that would change his life… and SOMEHOW… got married secretly. I guess it’s true when they say life is stranger than fiction. He pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of her.
“Pretty… Congrats….”
“Thanks…. She simple minded, she can’t even speak English properly..…. But she makes me happy.”
I smiled again. That line seemed to have an effect on me. Unlike so many other people, at least this man knows when something priceless came his way. Happiness is something we all pursuit naturally. It’s easy to find things that make us happy. But it’s hard to find someone who makes us happy. In my heart, I was already all for him. I didn’t want to know if she was a village girl, store keeper or former prostitute… if this girl makes him happy, he should cling on to her with dear life….
I could not help but share my own stories with her. At the time, everyone told me I should stay far away from her. They labeled her a ‘problematic girl’. She had a philandering father who dumped his son in the streets, a mentally ill mother gone missing for years, an older brother who was a violent junkie, and a younger brother who grew up in an orphanage. Add it all up…. she could only spell bad news. I had a broken family of my own with a family equally as messed up…. People said it was a recipe for disaster….. But I was stubbornly in love… and gladly, so was she. I took my own wallet out and showed her the picture of my fiancée… beaming with pride.
“You aren’t the only one with good taste you know..” I said and he gave me a smack.
“Hey, you have anyone you can talk to about this problem? You’ll go crazy if you don’t talk about it.”
“No one. No one can know until I get this sorted out.”
If that were so, I was wondering why he was told me in the first place.
“You can’t keep this a secret forever you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out in the open… and sometimes, a bit of advice from the outside is useful. The sooner you get this out, the sooner the two of you can start life together properly. ”
“I know. Let me just settle a few things before I let it out.”
I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. I like believing that true love conquers all…. I said to him:
“Look, not as your colleague but personally, let me say this. Ask yourself if she is worth all this hurdles you’re going to have to face this year – don’t kid yourself, this isn’t going to get fixed so quickly or easily….. you’re going to have to face up to a LOT of shit at home and at work once this gets out. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, you will and can go through this together. But you better be damn sure about this love, because if it’s not, your relationship & your entire world will come crumbling down when it matters most.”
He kept silent… I assumed he was giving some thought to what I said.
“People are thinking you’re out having your fun, deliberately ignoring work…. Why can’t you just tell people you’ve got a girlfriend now or something? At least they will know why you’re not around”
“No, if I tell them even a bit, they will start spinning a lot of stories..”
“They are ALREADY making stories right now without you saying a word. And unlike your girl, the stories going around aren’t pretty……. Get it sorted out okay. If there’s one thing I know, your work will always suffer if your personal life is in tatters.”
“I know. I’m experiencing it firsthand. No one knows ok. Only you and one other friend know. Keep this between us OK.”
“OK” If there’s one thing I know how to do… it’s keeping a secret. I had them too. But unlike his, mine are the kind people don’t even know exist.
I reached out and gave him a pat on the back. I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, a grossly misunderstood man. I felt for him. He was suffering in silence. Everyone was talking behind his back, painting ugly pictures of a hedonistic life he was allegedly living… when the only wrong he has done was to fall in love and keep silent about it.
I looked at him as he sipped his beer. He dreaded what was to come… but I could see he was willing to face it anyway. He was just buying himself time. He looked so scared......yet so brave. I guess love does that to you.
Something happened to him a few months back. He became non-contactable over the weekend, his work suffered, he couldn’t focus, and worst of all, he kept everything to himself. People had been asking for months and months why, but his lips were sealed. Many though he was more interested in womanizing over the weekends that committing himself to his work. Some thought it was a deliberate act of insubordination and basic I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. Whatever it was, I started to see that his job was in danger.
I had asked a few times before, albeit in the presence of others, but he refused to say anything.
“Family? Friends? Lover? Money? What is it man? Come on, you gotta at least say something. How else can anyone help you?”
“It’s personal", he would reply. "I’m getting it sorted out. Once it’s all sorted out, everything can return to normal. But in the mean time, I can’t be around on weekends, and I can’t tell you why.”
And that was that.. no more questions.
But that night, something changed. We were having a long conversation. The boss was all over his back, and I was trying to help him settle it. I didn’t want to watch another colleague leave. He was perhaps one of the last people who were around when I first joined this company. Most of the others were new, and I was starting to feel rather alone in this company.
We were watching a replay of last night’s game. He being ethnic Indian and all, I jokingly asked when his parents were going to find a wife for him. That was when he spilled the beans.
“I’m already married.”…..
I almost threw up.
“WHAT? You’re joking right?”
He gave me a silent look.
“No shit! Serious?......... What, shotgun marriage? Did you eloped or something?”
“No, nothing like that…it’s hard to explain. I made a mistake OK. But I’m fixing it right now. I just need more time.”
Fixing things - I understood that. Men are perpetually trying to fix things. We pride ourselves with being able to fix everything ourselves.... except dinner of course.
“I met someone, and I fell in love. Just like you and your girl. Do you love her? Are you happy when you are with her? Do you always feel like you want to be with her?”
“Yes.. of course.”
“That’s how it is for me. I never believe all this crap about people falling in love before. I thought all those crushes was love. But when I met this girl, I was like ‘Shit… so THIS is love’…. When I’m with her.. I’m HAPPY. Can you understand that? I’m HAPPY. Every weekend, every free time I have, I want to spend with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
I smiled. I had never seen this side of him before. It’s weird when you’re used to seeing someone in a certain way before suddenly discovering a how new side of them. He had this spark in his eyes and this smile on his face. I knew that look well……. It’s the kind of look people always had when talking about something they’re passionate about. And this man was passionate. This man was in love. But his love also came with many complications.
“Why haven’t you told anyone? Not even your parents and family?”
“It’s complicated….. Look, I haven’t been home since November. How am I supposed to just show up and tell them I’m in love and that I’m married?”
Traditional Indian families aren’t always receptive of inter racial marriages for one. His mom had been saving up money for his future dowry. No doubt they already had a candidate in mind. This girl wasn’t Hindu. Heck, she wasn’t even Singaporean or Malaysian, but Indonesian. She was Muslim, which was another problem. To properly marry a Muslim girl in Malaysia, one had to first convert to the religion. He didn’t really care, but he definitely did not want to convert his own religion. He said they were trying to get her religion officially converted to Christianity – the seemingly neutral ground.
To complicate matters, they had actually gotten married secretly. Or more accurately, HE had gotten married secretly. Society expects people to get married in an orderly fashion; court, date, engage, marry. And if you’re going to marry someone, marry someone decent.. not some girl you met in Batam under questionable circumstances. But that’s what he did. He took a boat ride to Indonesia one weekend thinking he was just there to have fun, but instead, met a girl that would change his life… and SOMEHOW… got married secretly. I guess it’s true when they say life is stranger than fiction. He pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of her.
“Pretty… Congrats….”
“Thanks…. She simple minded, she can’t even speak English properly..…. But she makes me happy.”
I smiled again. That line seemed to have an effect on me. Unlike so many other people, at least this man knows when something priceless came his way. Happiness is something we all pursuit naturally. It’s easy to find things that make us happy. But it’s hard to find someone who makes us happy. In my heart, I was already all for him. I didn’t want to know if she was a village girl, store keeper or former prostitute… if this girl makes him happy, he should cling on to her with dear life….
I could not help but share my own stories with her. At the time, everyone told me I should stay far away from her. They labeled her a ‘problematic girl’. She had a philandering father who dumped his son in the streets, a mentally ill mother gone missing for years, an older brother who was a violent junkie, and a younger brother who grew up in an orphanage. Add it all up…. she could only spell bad news. I had a broken family of my own with a family equally as messed up…. People said it was a recipe for disaster….. But I was stubbornly in love… and gladly, so was she. I took my own wallet out and showed her the picture of my fiancée… beaming with pride.
“You aren’t the only one with good taste you know..” I said and he gave me a smack.
“Hey, you have anyone you can talk to about this problem? You’ll go crazy if you don’t talk about it.”
“No one. No one can know until I get this sorted out.”
If that were so, I was wondering why he was told me in the first place.
“You can’t keep this a secret forever you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out in the open… and sometimes, a bit of advice from the outside is useful. The sooner you get this out, the sooner the two of you can start life together properly. ”
“I know. Let me just settle a few things before I let it out.”
I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. I like believing that true love conquers all…. I said to him:
“Look, not as your colleague but personally, let me say this. Ask yourself if she is worth all this hurdles you’re going to have to face this year – don’t kid yourself, this isn’t going to get fixed so quickly or easily….. you’re going to have to face up to a LOT of shit at home and at work once this gets out. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, you will and can go through this together. But you better be damn sure about this love, because if it’s not, your relationship & your entire world will come crumbling down when it matters most.”
He kept silent… I assumed he was giving some thought to what I said.
“People are thinking you’re out having your fun, deliberately ignoring work…. Why can’t you just tell people you’ve got a girlfriend now or something? At least they will know why you’re not around”
“No, if I tell them even a bit, they will start spinning a lot of stories..”
“They are ALREADY making stories right now without you saying a word. And unlike your girl, the stories going around aren’t pretty……. Get it sorted out okay. If there’s one thing I know, your work will always suffer if your personal life is in tatters.”
“I know. I’m experiencing it firsthand. No one knows ok. Only you and one other friend know. Keep this between us OK.”
“OK” If there’s one thing I know how to do… it’s keeping a secret. I had them too. But unlike his, mine are the kind people don’t even know exist.
I reached out and gave him a pat on the back. I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, a grossly misunderstood man. I felt for him. He was suffering in silence. Everyone was talking behind his back, painting ugly pictures of a hedonistic life he was allegedly living… when the only wrong he has done was to fall in love and keep silent about it.
I looked at him as he sipped his beer. He dreaded what was to come… but I could see he was willing to face it anyway. He was just buying himself time. He looked so scared......yet so brave. I guess love does that to you.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I. H.A.T.E. M.O.N.E.Y.
I'm serious. I'm so starting to hate money. It's starting to disgust me. I hate the way it affects us. Hate the way it changes us. Hate the way it controls us. Hate that there's no escape.
I used to be able to be happy despite not having any money.
When I was a kid, my mother would take me to eat lunch at KFC every beginning of the month. It was a special treat that was strictly between my mother and I in the afternoons when my brother was off in school and my father at work. We'd share a 2 piece plate and I would get to have the jelly ice cream. It was humble little meal, but it was always the most special lunch of the month for me.
We could never afford buying a lot of toys. Most of our toys consist of plastic soldiers, a few race cars and soft toys, and lots and lots of imagination. But once a year..... on my birthday, my father would allow me to pick whatever I wanted for a toy. And every single year, I would want the same thing - My favourite toy in the world, LEGO. Once a year, I would get a lego set. Even then, I was only allowed to pick the small boxes, never the big complete sets. But I was happy none the less. Better that than nothing at all.
Then I grew up and started earning my own money. And along with this new found ability to earn, came the ability to spend. In fact, them more we earned, the better we seem to get at spending. The better we become at spending, the more money we seem to need. We used to be able to live with using a cheap RM20 bag. That then became a RM200 bag. And for some people who have the means, a RM2000 LV bag is almost a must. And if you had both your LV bag and cheap RM20 bag, would you choose your cheap old bag over it? And once you've tasted it, you will not choose water over wine. Proton cars, Bata shoes and Casio watches are 'cheap' stuff no one really takes pride in owning. Eating KFC used to be a real treat. Now it's just something tasty and convenient. Today, dining in a fine restaurant is a treat, but tomorrow, it may just be a normal meal (if I ever earn that much money la). 'Cari makan' we call it. But the more we live, the more we earn, the more we acquire the taste for the finer (and then ultra fine) things in life. Where does it stop?
As children, many of us dreamed of becoming either a teacher, fireman, painter, composer, musician, artist or something of that sort. You know, dreams that had absolutely nothing to do with money, but everything to do with passion. But somewhere along the line, many of us forsake those dreams, coaxed by our elders or by ourselves. We choose lines of work that are 'safe' or 'proven' and mostly, work that promises some kind of financial stability. I'm not saying it like it's such a bad thing. Dreams should always be tempered with a touch of reality. The importance of sound judgment can never be underestimated. But sometimes I think we've taken it a bit too far. The job you have, and how successful you are is more often than not tied to how much money you earn. And so we look for jobs that we think will bring in good money. Aiming to become anything short of a surgeon, businessman, entrepreneur, pilot or corporate figure is frowned upon. And if your ambition is to become a painter, artist, musician, composer or any of those sort, you're either naive or just plain mental. Some even take on 2 jobs at one time, just to 'earn enough'. The pressure to be successful - to not only bring in the dough, but bring it in abundance - is especially true for men. Say what you want about modern living, but it is still a man's primary role to be the provider for his family. Women have the option to quit their jobs. Men don't.
We all realize the kind of grip money has on us. And we have gotten trapped in the mentality that the only way out of this chase for money is by winning. Winning by acquiring more money that we will spend, whether it's through sheer hard work, or brilliant investments. If you quit, if you refuse to chase the money, society calls you 'average' or worse 'unsuccessful'. The pressure to acquire wealth as much as you can, as soon as you can is very much present especially in country & society like ours. I know because I see it and feel it every damn day I step into office.
But some people have smacked me in the head and told me I shouldn't hate money. They poignantly remind me that money in the right hands could be used positively. To hate money as a whole would also mean hating the genuine difference it can make to peoples live. A point I cannot disregard. I guess when I say I hate money, it's really is more out of frustration than anything else. Some days, the pressure of needing to fork out more and more cash just to survive and get things done can be quite overbearing. I'm certainly not going to call it quits and live in the jungle, and I most certainly am NOT about to give all my money to you (just in case you were going to ask).
It's not that I don't want money. I'm just disillusioned by it that's all. I hate the fact that I can't escape from wanting and needing it too. And this vicious cycle of needing more and more seems never ending. Life seemed much simpler and happiness seemed much more attainable when once upon a time, we knew how to gain more with less.
It's either that or I really am just allergic to money.
Geddit?
P/S: Before you decide to give away all your earthly possessions and start life anew in the jungle, please take everything I say with a pinch of salt alright. I don't pretend to be clear headed (or even sane) at the time of writing. I might think of something else tomorrow and write all about how money is the most important thing in the world. Who knows....
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Quick-fix-mood-boosters
A lot of people have a lot of different things to say about finding happiness. And while profound happiness is certainly something we all want ultimately, I don't think any of us want to be waking up in the morning trying to decipher the meaning of life and the secret to happiness all the time. Sometimes, we may just want some sort of emotional band-it or plaster to keep everything together while we're try making sense of life. Something just to help boost your moods and help you get through the day, know what I mean? If you're looking for something like that, let me share a few of mine own 'quick-fix-mood-boosters'. Hope you find it useful:
#1 Exercise
Yes, I know I hardly look qualified enough to be dishing this advise out. But just take my word for it OK. Skipping all the medical mumbo jumbo about endorphins etc, even a short jog or workout in your room helps make you feel better. Here's why:You get to pat yourself on the back for your effort. You get to imagine you're some hot shot athlete like Usain Bolt (Just imagine it OK, don't actually say it to anyone). But most significantly, you get to become hot and sweaty, which for some of us is the closest we'll ever get to actually being 'hot'. But seriously, sweating it out is a great way of releasing all that pent up frustration and energy. If you won't exercise for fitness, try thinking of it as exercising for happiness.
#2 Sing along to music
Some people seem to burst into song all the time. But for the rest of us normal human beings who have neither a decent vocal range nor any sense of pitching, singing out loud is one of those things we avoid. But thank God sound proof doors were invented. With it's invention, many of us tone deaf folk are now able to partake in the joys of singing out loud without making others shriek in horror. So, sing your heart away in your car or room. It helps lift your moods or just help you let out what you feel inside. We don't always have someone around us to cheer us up or listen to us vent. That's why songs were invented in the first place. They are made to be sung as much as they are made to be listened.
#3 Watch comedy
If you're struggling to find a way out of the blues, find something that tickles your funny bone. It could be anything from watching episodes of your favourite sitcoms, romantic comedies, reading knock knock jokes or teaching your parrot how to say 'penis'. The logic is simple. You laugh when you are happy. And you become happy when you laugh. Think about that for a minute. It works both ways.
#4 Coffee / Caffeine
This doesn't work for everyone. Some people drink coffee without no effects whatsoever. But for people like me, the experience of taking caffeine is basically like this. I admit there is a slump in moods right after the caffeine wears out, but when it kicks does kick in, the term 'legally addictive stimulant' takes on a whole new meaning. Obviously for health reasons, a lot of people have warned against taking too much coffee/caffeine. But hey, I did say these are short term 'quick-fix-mood-boosters'. Plus, I don't think anyone has ever been sent to rehab for 'caffeine addiction' right?
So ya, there you have it. Four little things that helps on days where the end couldn't come soon enough
Cheers everyone.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Early Birds Catch More Than Just The Worm...
I've been thinking....
Yes, yes, I know I'm ALWAYS thinking. But I thought of something new today.
Woke up early to go for jog in the park this morning. The sun was already up, and the sky was just the way I loved it; clear and blue. I could hear birds chirping away in the trees... and I actually saw a squirrel. This might not seem like such a big deal to people, but hey, for a city dweller like me who spends most of his life in air conditioned rooms and office buildings, anything other than a dog or a cat (or rat) is practically considered 'wildlife'....
I've always been more of a night owl, not much of a morning person. I often spend my mornings sleeping away, or wishing I was sleeping. To me, the best way to spend your morning is to be warmly snuggled up in bed underneath your blanket, and when available, with someone next to you for you to say good morning to, wrestle around and laze in bed with. THAT's my perfect morning. But since those sort of days aren't coming my way anytime soon, I started re-evaluating just how I'm spending my mornings (and nights). The only times I wake up willingly, is when I'm having breakfast with someone. Food and companionship are pretty powerful motivators.
Night time have always been my preferred time of day (or is that night?). I think it's something about the stillness of night that makes me a bit more at peace. And to a certain extent, the cover of darkness somehow makes me feel free... and thus more alive. Night times are also the times when my deepest and darkest thoughts manifest itself in me, everything from the deranged to the depressing. Night times are often when I look back on my day (and my life) and start reflecting the things that was and is. I guess the night just fits my mood of being contemplative and wistful.
It's usually on the eve of new year, at night, that people think back on the year that has been as they sing auld lang syne with tingles of happiness and sadness. In the morning, as the wake up, they stop thinking about yesteryear... and a feeling getting a fresh start or a clean sheet engulfs them. That's why people make new years resolutions. Given the chance, everyone wants to be able to wipe away all the screw ups they've made and start anew. The morning of new year is about the hope of a better year ahead.
And that was how I was feeling this morning... HOPEFUL, for a good many things. Hope for myself, hope for people I cared about..... You feel hopeful when you really want certain things in your life , but you recognize that sometimes, things are beyond your control, no matter how much you try, no matter how badly you want them. Life is part your effort, part fate. And so you surrender the outcome of things to God, the Universe or Karma whatever it is you believe.... and wish with all your heart that the outcome that is fated, is the one you desire in your heart.
There were one or two 'happiness' quotes that that I left out the last time. I thought about one this morning:
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~Joseph Addison
It was the most practical one of the hundreds of quotes I read. Seeing a clear blue sky, watching the sun rise, and knowing that the day lay ahead of me, with countless possibilities, made me feel hopeful. And if having something to hope for was one of the 3 grand essentials to be happy... I wanted to keep hope in my heart, for as long as there was something to hope on.
If spending my waking hours in the mornings promised more hope than all the nights of contemplation ever can, if being a morning person meant being a more hope-filled and thus happier person, then a morning person I will become than.
Yes, yes, I know I'm ALWAYS thinking. But I thought of something new today.
Woke up early to go for jog in the park this morning. The sun was already up, and the sky was just the way I loved it; clear and blue. I could hear birds chirping away in the trees... and I actually saw a squirrel. This might not seem like such a big deal to people, but hey, for a city dweller like me who spends most of his life in air conditioned rooms and office buildings, anything other than a dog or a cat (or rat) is practically considered 'wildlife'....
I've always been more of a night owl, not much of a morning person. I often spend my mornings sleeping away, or wishing I was sleeping. To me, the best way to spend your morning is to be warmly snuggled up in bed underneath your blanket, and when available, with someone next to you for you to say good morning to, wrestle around and laze in bed with. THAT's my perfect morning. But since those sort of days aren't coming my way anytime soon, I started re-evaluating just how I'm spending my mornings (and nights). The only times I wake up willingly, is when I'm having breakfast with someone. Food and companionship are pretty powerful motivators.
Night time have always been my preferred time of day (or is that night?). I think it's something about the stillness of night that makes me a bit more at peace. And to a certain extent, the cover of darkness somehow makes me feel free... and thus more alive. Night times are also the times when my deepest and darkest thoughts manifest itself in me, everything from the deranged to the depressing. Night times are often when I look back on my day (and my life) and start reflecting the things that was and is. I guess the night just fits my mood of being contemplative and wistful.
It's usually on the eve of new year, at night, that people think back on the year that has been as they sing auld lang syne with tingles of happiness and sadness. In the morning, as the wake up, they stop thinking about yesteryear... and a feeling getting a fresh start or a clean sheet engulfs them. That's why people make new years resolutions. Given the chance, everyone wants to be able to wipe away all the screw ups they've made and start anew. The morning of new year is about the hope of a better year ahead.
And that was how I was feeling this morning... HOPEFUL, for a good many things. Hope for myself, hope for people I cared about..... You feel hopeful when you really want certain things in your life , but you recognize that sometimes, things are beyond your control, no matter how much you try, no matter how badly you want them. Life is part your effort, part fate. And so you surrender the outcome of things to God, the Universe or Karma whatever it is you believe.... and wish with all your heart that the outcome that is fated, is the one you desire in your heart.
There were one or two 'happiness' quotes that that I left out the last time. I thought about one this morning:
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~Joseph Addison
It was the most practical one of the hundreds of quotes I read. Seeing a clear blue sky, watching the sun rise, and knowing that the day lay ahead of me, with countless possibilities, made me feel hopeful. And if having something to hope for was one of the 3 grand essentials to be happy... I wanted to keep hope in my heart, for as long as there was something to hope on.
If spending my waking hours in the mornings promised more hope than all the nights of contemplation ever can, if being a morning person meant being a more hope-filled and thus happier person, then a morning person I will become than.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
HappYness....
I tossed and turned in bed. I adjusted my pillow over and over again. Too hot, and I removed my blanket. Too cold, then I put it on a gain. I fluff the pillow a couple more times. Mosquitoes came flying near my ears and I smack my ear. I have no idea if I got it.
I got up... and turned my computer on again…. thinking I would continue watching ancient episodes of that old comedy Mind Your Language on Youtube again. Most comedies these days were from the US. I missed dry British wit and humour. They were more intelligent, and made you chuckle and smile rather than laugh out loud. But I didn't. Instead
I typed out a search… H.a.p.p.i.n.e.s.s .....
There was a wikipedia article on Happiness. I skipped it. I wasn't looking for knowledge. I was looking for wisdom. I was looking for... Happiness.. or rather the key to it, because at that moment, as I lay alone in my bed, with no one to talk to, no one to share, no one to care, I felt that happiness had suddenly gone missing in my life. I was happy. WAS. And now that it's missing, I wasn't sure how to find it again. So many others around me were unhappy too.... I suddenly became so aware of how universal this pursuit really is...... everyone seems to be looking for an answer. Everyone wants to know how to be happy. We’ve all been happy before at some point in our lives. But I don’t think we all know exactly how we became happy each and every time. And the funny thing is, we wonder more about happiness when we’re not experiencing it.
Next in line were websites with hundreds and hundreds of quotes on happiness, and I clicked on it. Maybe the wisdom of generations of old would help... maybe a well put quote will help me see the light. God knows how much I needed it at that moment.
I suddenly laughed to myself. "I got a quote...." I thought to myself.. "The answer to all of life's question.. is GOOGLE." said I. Because here I was trying to google my way to happiness... and the humour of it all wasn't lost to me even in my current state. It wasn't THAT funny, but I laughed anyway. I think I would have been clinically depressed by now, if I didn't so stubbornly cling on to my sense of humour. You don't need to be happy to still have a sense of humour do you?
I poured over quotes over quotes over quotes. You'd think the more wise words you hear, the more enlightened you get. But the more I read, the more I confused I felt. Because some quotes contradict each other, others reinforce the rest... But every single one felt and sounded right and true. Which truth am I supposed to embrace anyway? Which truth have I earned for myself? (that again is from another quote I read).....
Seek & You shall Not Find.
The first thing that hit me was…. it seems I wasn’t supposed to be looking for happiness. You can have it... as long as you don't try to grab it. Some quotes that I read:
The American constitution says that everyone has the right to pursuit happiness. But there were 2 problems. One, I wasn’t American. Second, it just seems rather tragic to me that the moment you try to find happiness, you lose it all together. It is only human nature to want to pursue the things we want most in life, how then can we say we should stop? It’s counter-intuitive. Aren’t the things you truly want in life worth struggling and fighting for?
Stop whining, Start Living
They tell me the secret to happiness is to just focus on living life. If you get so caught up with knowing and gathering the ingredients to happiness, you might just miss tasting when it is there to taste. They said:
Get on with life. If we hang around too long whining about how unhappy we are, the more likely we will actually miss out on living life which pretty much guarantees us that as sure as you will experience pain and suffering, you will experience joy and happiness.
Perspective, perspective, perspective.
Other people said happiness is all in the head. It's a state of mind. It's us constantly realigning our way of thinking till it looks just right. Kind of like how you can only see a rainbow from certain angles and not from others. If you can’t see the rainbow, it’s because you’re looking at it wrong. If you can’t be happy, it’s because you’re not having the right perspective. They tell me if I don’t learn how to be happy in spite what life’s circumstances are, then I’m pretty much screwed.
But I felt that as much as we can sometimes try to be happy despite our circumstances, as much as we try to realign our angles to see the rainbow (and thus seeing happiness), you still need the freaking rain, and some sunshine right? This is out of our hands. You can’t force yourself to be happy when there are genuine grievances in life right? It’d be almost as if we were being nonchalant about our grievances, and by extension, about life itself. If being happy meant we can still act like we don’t have a care in the world in the midst of it all, then we have ceased to care at all (about anyone and everyone). In which case, I’d rather be miserable.
It's right under your nose
Some said it's about being grateful for the things and people you have around you... which I think is closer to my own heart. They tell you life is not something you need to walk out the door in search of... but something that grows right beneath your feet.
I felt comforted by this. Perhaps it’s not that hard to be happy after all. Perhaps happiness was there to be found, right around us? There are times when I truly am happy over the slightest of gestures and smallest of things. But what about right now? Where is it? Or wait, have I not looking at it with the right perspective? I was starting to get annoyed with this whole business of happiness. Maybe happiness is over rated. Maybe this guy was correct when he said:
From their eyes into your heart.
But finally, someone said that true happiness is found not through our own personal satisfaction and joy, but through others we are able to make happy. It's as if the happiness can only arrive in our hearts through the smile and laughter of the people we make happy. And this resonated the strongest within my own heart. I thought back on all the moments in my life that made my heart soar …… and found that it was at moments when I looked at their smiling faces and light up eyes, and knew that I had something to do with it. It’s impossible to make someone else happy and not be doing the same to yourself in the process.
Wisdom overload...
I had enough. After finding that last few ones… I closed my computer, and lied down in bed again. I don’t think that many meaningful quotes are meant to be digested all at once. How many truths can a person embrace anyway? My whole search for wisdom of happiness turned into a freaking academic exercise. I felt more enlightened, but actually more miserable. I now had a clearer perception about happiness but was none the happier. True to the very first thing I read above.So much for Google being the answer to all of life's questions I guess....
Perhaps I should have just spoken to someone. I'd probably have felt better. Or perhaps…. the secret of happiness was just as simple as sticking to watching British sitcoms.
:-S
I got up... and turned my computer on again…. thinking I would continue watching ancient episodes of that old comedy Mind Your Language on Youtube again. Most comedies these days were from the US. I missed dry British wit and humour. They were more intelligent, and made you chuckle and smile rather than laugh out loud. But I didn't. Instead
I typed out a search… H.a.p.p.i.n.e.s.s .....
There was a wikipedia article on Happiness. I skipped it. I wasn't looking for knowledge. I was looking for wisdom. I was looking for... Happiness.. or rather the key to it, because at that moment, as I lay alone in my bed, with no one to talk to, no one to share, no one to care, I felt that happiness had suddenly gone missing in my life. I was happy. WAS. And now that it's missing, I wasn't sure how to find it again. So many others around me were unhappy too.... I suddenly became so aware of how universal this pursuit really is...... everyone seems to be looking for an answer. Everyone wants to know how to be happy. We’ve all been happy before at some point in our lives. But I don’t think we all know exactly how we became happy each and every time. And the funny thing is, we wonder more about happiness when we’re not experiencing it.
Next in line were websites with hundreds and hundreds of quotes on happiness, and I clicked on it. Maybe the wisdom of generations of old would help... maybe a well put quote will help me see the light. God knows how much I needed it at that moment.
I suddenly laughed to myself. "I got a quote...." I thought to myself.. "The answer to all of life's question.. is GOOGLE." said I. Because here I was trying to google my way to happiness... and the humour of it all wasn't lost to me even in my current state. It wasn't THAT funny, but I laughed anyway. I think I would have been clinically depressed by now, if I didn't so stubbornly cling on to my sense of humour. You don't need to be happy to still have a sense of humour do you?
I poured over quotes over quotes over quotes. You'd think the more wise words you hear, the more enlightened you get. But the more I read, the more I confused I felt. Because some quotes contradict each other, others reinforce the rest... But every single one felt and sounded right and true. Which truth am I supposed to embrace anyway? Which truth have I earned for myself? (that again is from another quote I read).....
Seek & You shall Not Find.
The first thing that hit me was…. it seems I wasn’t supposed to be looking for happiness. You can have it... as long as you don't try to grab it. Some quotes that I read:
Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you. - Nathaniel Hawthorne
The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. ~Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, 1954
You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. ~Albert Camus
The American constitution says that everyone has the right to pursuit happiness. But there were 2 problems. One, I wasn’t American. Second, it just seems rather tragic to me that the moment you try to find happiness, you lose it all together. It is only human nature to want to pursue the things we want most in life, how then can we say we should stop? It’s counter-intuitive. Aren’t the things you truly want in life worth struggling and fighting for?
Stop whining, Start Living
They tell me the secret to happiness is to just focus on living life. If you get so caught up with knowing and gathering the ingredients to happiness, you might just miss tasting when it is there to taste. They said:
If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day. ~W. Beran Wolfe
Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. ~Iris Murdoch
Get on with life. If we hang around too long whining about how unhappy we are, the more likely we will actually miss out on living life which pretty much guarantees us that as sure as you will experience pain and suffering, you will experience joy and happiness.
Perspective, perspective, perspective.
Other people said happiness is all in the head. It's a state of mind. It's us constantly realigning our way of thinking till it looks just right. Kind of like how you can only see a rainbow from certain angles and not from others. If you can’t see the rainbow, it’s because you’re looking at it wrong. If you can’t be happy, it’s because you’re not having the right perspective. They tell me if I don’t learn how to be happy in spite what life’s circumstances are, then I’m pretty much screwed.
You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~Lavetta Sue Wegman
We are seldom happy with what we now have, but would go to pieces if we lost any part of it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
But I felt that as much as we can sometimes try to be happy despite our circumstances, as much as we try to realign our angles to see the rainbow (and thus seeing happiness), you still need the freaking rain, and some sunshine right? This is out of our hands. You can’t force yourself to be happy when there are genuine grievances in life right? It’d be almost as if we were being nonchalant about our grievances, and by extension, about life itself. If being happy meant we can still act like we don’t have a care in the world in the midst of it all, then we have ceased to care at all (about anyone and everyone). In which case, I’d rather be miserable.
It's right under your nose
Some said it's about being grateful for the things and people you have around you... which I think is closer to my own heart. They tell you life is not something you need to walk out the door in search of... but something that grows right beneath your feet.
If you search the world for happiness, you may find it in the end, for the world is round and will lead you back to your door. ~Robert Brault
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault,
I felt comforted by this. Perhaps it’s not that hard to be happy after all. Perhaps happiness was there to be found, right around us? There are times when I truly am happy over the slightest of gestures and smallest of things. But what about right now? Where is it? Or wait, have I not looking at it with the right perspective? I was starting to get annoyed with this whole business of happiness. Maybe happiness is over rated. Maybe this guy was correct when he said:
The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment. ~Doug Larson
From their eyes into your heart.
Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to help make others so.- Robert G. Ingersoll
Happiness is a by-product of an effort to make someone else happy. ~Gretta Brooker Palmer
But finally, someone said that true happiness is found not through our own personal satisfaction and joy, but through others we are able to make happy. It's as if the happiness can only arrive in our hearts through the smile and laughter of the people we make happy. And this resonated the strongest within my own heart. I thought back on all the moments in my life that made my heart soar …… and found that it was at moments when I looked at their smiling faces and light up eyes, and knew that I had something to do with it. It’s impossible to make someone else happy and not be doing the same to yourself in the process.
Wisdom overload...
I had enough. After finding that last few ones… I closed my computer, and lied down in bed again. I don’t think that many meaningful quotes are meant to be digested all at once. How many truths can a person embrace anyway? My whole search for wisdom of happiness turned into a freaking academic exercise. I felt more enlightened, but actually more miserable. I now had a clearer perception about happiness but was none the happier. True to the very first thing I read above.So much for Google being the answer to all of life's questions I guess....
Perhaps I should have just spoken to someone. I'd probably have felt better. Or perhaps…. the secret of happiness was just as simple as sticking to watching British sitcoms.
:-S
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