The Man In Love

I couldn’t help but shake my head. He wasn’t out disappearing on weekends having his fill of women and booze… he was just a man in love.

Something happened to him a few months back. He became non-contactable over the weekend, his work suffered, he couldn’t focus, and worst of all, he kept everything to himself. People had been asking for months and months why, but his lips were sealed. Many though he was more interested in womanizing over the weekends that committing himself to his work. Some thought it was a deliberate act of insubordination and basic I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. Whatever it was, I started to see that his job was in danger.

I had asked a few times before, albeit in the presence of others, but he refused to say anything.

“Family? Friends? Lover? Money? What is it man? Come on, you gotta at least say something. How else can anyone help you?”

“It’s personal", he would reply. "I’m getting it sorted out. Once it’s all sorted out, everything can return to normal. But in the mean time, I can’t be around on weekends, and I can’t tell you why.”

And that was that.. no more questions.

But that night, something changed. We were having a long conversation. The boss was all over his back, and I was trying to help him settle it. I didn’t want to watch another colleague leave. He was perhaps one of the last people who were around when I first joined this company. Most of the others were new, and I was starting to feel rather alone in this company.

We were watching a replay of last night’s game. He being ethnic Indian and all, I jokingly asked when his parents were going to find a wife for him. That was when he spilled the beans.

“I’m already married.”…..

I almost threw up.

“WHAT? You’re joking right?”

He gave me a silent look.

“No shit! Serious?......... What, shotgun marriage? Did you eloped or something?”

“No, nothing like that…it’s hard to explain. I made a mistake OK. But I’m fixing it right now. I just need more time.”

Fixing things - I understood that. Men are perpetually trying to fix things. We pride ourselves with being able to fix everything ourselves.... except dinner of course.

“I met someone, and I fell in love. Just like you and your girl. Do you love her? Are you happy when you are with her? Do you always feel like you want to be with her?”

“Yes.. of course.”

“That’s how it is for me. I never believe all this crap about people falling in love before. I thought all those crushes was love. But when I met this girl, I was like ‘Shit… so THIS is love’…. When I’m with her.. I’m HAPPY. Can you understand that? I’m HAPPY. Every weekend, every free time I have, I want to spend with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

I smiled. I had never seen this side of him before. It’s weird when you’re used to seeing someone in a certain way before suddenly discovering a how new side of them. He had this spark in his eyes and this smile on his face. I knew that look well……. It’s the kind of look people always had when talking about something they’re passionate about. And this man was passionate. This man was in love. But his love also came with many complications.

“Why haven’t you told anyone? Not even your parents and family?”

“It’s complicated….. Look, I haven’t been home since November. How am I supposed to just show up and tell them I’m in love and that I’m married?”

Traditional Indian families aren’t always receptive of inter racial marriages for one. His mom had been saving up money for his future dowry. No doubt they already had a candidate in mind. This girl wasn’t Hindu. Heck, she wasn’t even Singaporean or Malaysian, but Indonesian. She was Muslim, which was another problem. To properly marry a Muslim girl in Malaysia, one had to first convert to the religion. He didn’t really care, but he definitely did not want to convert his own religion. He said they were trying to get her religion officially converted to Christianity – the seemingly neutral ground.

To complicate matters, they had actually gotten married secretly. Or more accurately, HE had gotten married secretly. Society expects people to get married in an orderly fashion; court, date, engage, marry. And if you’re going to marry someone, marry someone decent.. not some girl you met in Batam under questionable circumstances. But that’s what he did. He took a boat ride to Indonesia one weekend thinking he was just there to have fun, but instead, met a girl that would change his life… and SOMEHOW… got married secretly. I guess it’s true when they say life is stranger than fiction. He pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of her.

“Pretty… Congrats….”

“Thanks…. She simple minded, she can’t even speak English properly..…. But she makes me happy.”

I smiled again. That line seemed to have an effect on me. Unlike so many other people, at least this man knows when something priceless came his way. Happiness is something we all pursuit naturally. It’s easy to find things that make us happy. But it’s hard to find someone who makes us happy. In my heart, I was already all for him. I didn’t want to know if she was a village girl, store keeper or former prostitute… if this girl makes him happy, he should cling on to her with dear life….

I could not help but share my own stories with her. At the time, everyone told me I should stay far away from her. They labeled her a ‘problematic girl’. She had a philandering father who dumped his son in the streets, a mentally ill mother gone missing for years, an older brother who was a violent junkie, and a younger brother who grew up in an orphanage. Add it all up…. she could only spell bad news. I had a broken family of my own with a family equally as messed up…. People said it was a recipe for disaster….. But I was stubbornly in love… and gladly, so was she. I took my own wallet out and showed her the picture of my fiancée… beaming with pride.

“You aren’t the only one with good taste you know..” I said and he gave me a smack.

“Hey, you have anyone you can talk to about this problem? You’ll go crazy if you don’t talk about it.”

“No one. No one can know until I get this sorted out.”

If that were so, I was wondering why he was told me in the first place.

“You can’t keep this a secret forever you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out in the open… and sometimes, a bit of advice from the outside is useful. The sooner you get this out, the sooner the two of you can start life together properly. ”

“I know. Let me just settle a few things before I let it out.”

I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. I like believing that true love conquers all…. I said to him:

“Look, not as your colleague but personally, let me say this. Ask yourself if she is worth all this hurdles you’re going to have to face this year – don’t kid yourself, this isn’t going to get fixed so quickly or easily….. you’re going to have to face up to a LOT of shit at home and at work once this gets out. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, you will and can go through this together. But you better be damn sure about this love, because if it’s not, your relationship & your entire world will come crumbling down when it matters most.”

He kept silent… I assumed he was giving some thought to what I said.

“People are thinking you’re out having your fun, deliberately ignoring work…. Why can’t you just tell people you’ve got a girlfriend now or something? At least they will know why you’re not around”

“No, if I tell them even a bit, they will start spinning a lot of stories..”

“They are ALREADY making stories right now without you saying a word. And unlike your girl, the stories going around aren’t pretty……. Get it sorted out okay. If there’s one thing I know, your work will always suffer if your personal life is in tatters.”

“I know. I’m experiencing it firsthand. No one knows ok. Only you and one other friend know. Keep this between us OK.”

“OK” If there’s one thing I know how to do… it’s keeping a secret. I had them too. But unlike his, mine are the kind people don’t even know exist.

I reached out and gave him a pat on the back. I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, a grossly misunderstood man. I felt for him. He was suffering in silence. Everyone was talking behind his back, painting ugly pictures of a hedonistic life he was allegedly living… when the only wrong he has done was to fall in love and keep silent about it.

I looked at him as he sipped his beer. He dreaded what was to come… but I could see he was willing to face it anyway. He was just buying himself time. He looked so scared......yet so brave. I guess love does that to you.