The Guilt of Spending

I have a disorder.

 It's called perpetual-guilt-over-buying-things-for-one's-self syndrome.

I don't know how I got it - only that I do. It usually manifest itself immediately before & long after a purchase is made for myself. Every time I decide to buy something I want but don't need, it comes. It's like I'm doing something wrong, something I shouldn't be doing.

"What do you think you're doing young man? Put that down! You don't need it."

"But it's just one small thing, and I really like it!"

"I see. So you think you can afford splashing money around is it? What's the matter, ordinary stuff ain't good enough for you anymore?"

"No. It's not that. Of course it's good enough for me. I just really really really like this. And I hardly buy things for myself anyway. It's just a small treat for myself. Aren't I entitled to that?"

"Oh sure, yeah. Go ahead. Buy it. Spend. Splurge. Indulge. Just remember, that same money you're spending for your pure leisure could probably put to better use elsewhere, elsewhere as it where it's NEEDED. But don't let me stop you. If your conscience is clear... go ahead man."

".............................................. Damn you. Forget it. I'm going home."

That's both me talking by the way. Needless to say, 9 out of 10 times, I usually walk out of the store empty handed, feeling kinda lousy for doing the right thing. The 1 time that I do buy something, it's usually with mix feelings of guilt and pleasure. It seems I can never win against myself. Maybe I have a multiple personality disorder.

But here's the strangest thing: I feel no such conflict when spending on others. Way too expensive? It's OK. Don't really need it? Don 't care. Will potentially cripple your finances for the next few months? What's money for if not to spend? If the money I spend makes them happy, I become happy too, with no guilt or regret whatsoever. Though sometimes it's the people I spend on that start feeling guilty. I'm wondering if money that comes out of my pocket has special powers that bring guilt to those it's spend on.

We should have just stayed with the barter system. Money's too complicated for my puny mind.

And just in case you're wondering: Yes, I just bought some things for myself and yes, I'm feeling guilty.