Payphone Romance

Do you remember the payphone?

I was walking around the mall the other day and I realized that payphones are incredibly rare these days. They aren’t as common place as they used to be. Understandable considering how everyone uses mobile phones these days. I suspect that most people who are currently in their early twenties have had little contact with these clunky old things.

The payphone brings back memories of a very distinct age in our modern society.

An age where people actually memorize the phone numbers of the people they constantly talked to… or carried little phone books around. These days everything in stored in the phone memory. How many numbers do YOU know by heart? I can count less than 5. I don’t even know my own house number actually. Back then, everyone knew these numbers; house number, parents office number, best friends number, classmates numbers, 999, and of number one importance, Pizza Hut. :-P

It was also an age where the pay phone was the only real viable alternative when you wanted to make a private call to that all important special someone. Talking from your house phone was kinda difficult because your parents will scream at the phone bill would sky rocket, your siblings will tease you and make stupid kissing faces, and someone will always be wanting to make a call just when the conversation starts to heat up. This results in you often having to hide in some dark corner of the house somewhere with the phone cords fully extended. It was either that or the payphone.

I remember that making a trip to the payphone to call that special someone was quite an interesting experience. It was a very deliberate act. Payphones were a bit like watering holes for lovers then… You had to actually plan and prepare and hope for a bit of divine intervention whenever you wanted to call from a pay phone.

For one, you needed to identify where all the payphones in the neighbourhood were. If one phone booth had a particular long line (yes believe it or not, people actually queued up to make a phone call those days), you needed to know where was the next nearest ones. I’m not joking. I used to know exactly where each of these phone booths was. Some days, there would be no one. Other days, you go booth to booth only to find half a dozen people waiting in line. Inevitably, you would have to queue at one point or another. The thing you almost never do, is turn back. You set out to make a call, and you roam the neighbourhood until you accomplish your mission.

Secondly, you needed to actually collect coins. Everyone hates coins these days, but in pay phone days coins were a commodity. You may think of coins as just extra weight to your pants now, but back then coins were equivalent to airtime with your . Those days, we knew exactly how long a 20 cent coin would last you during a call and how much you needed to talk. You’d make it a conscious effort to collect as much coins as you could through the day just so you’d have enough to talk later. Failing which, you’d have to prematurely declare to your bf/gf/best friend that the conversation needs to come to an end because you are down to your last coin.

Then there were the crazy, erratic payphones themselves. After rounding the neighbourhood long enough, you roughly know which are the ‘well behaving’ phones, which are the crappy ones with poor speakers, which ones are under repair, which ones have the quietest surroundings, which ones had the least amount of people and which ones never want to take your money. Some phones eat your coin but never show the credit. Some never give you back your change when you hang up. This usually leads to the typical ‘banging-and-cursing-at-the-phone’ behavior. Some phones just have an attitude problem and will spit out all the coins you put in. Only after feeding the same coin about 5 times does it finally take it. This sometimes results in the call being ended suddenly, ruining your mojo and forcing you to dial all over again, which cost more. Stupid phone.

Let’s not forget the rain. On days that you plan to make that call to that special someone, you’d find yourself actually praying for good weather. And you’d just be crushed on days that it did rain because it meant that you’d have to wait a few more hours or till the next day before you could make your call. I think that’s practically unimaginable these days; that the weather might literally affect your love life.

With mobile phones, everything is so convenient these days. It’s a good thing I supposed. It takes 5 minutes to write an email, and 5 seconds to make a call. Back then, when you had a crush on someone, going out to make that call to that person was an experience in itself; from the deliberate collecting of the coins, to the nervous walk to the phone booth, to the agony of waiting in line or searching for the right phone, to the thrill of finally dialing and getting through, to the sadness of going down to your last coin, to the sweet goodbye as you hear the final beeps telling you your time is up, to the contented walk back home again.

Calling someone special from a payphone used to be an event, not an afterthought. And the sweetest part is, the person you call usually knows this. When they receive your call and know that you’re talking from a payhone, they know that you made this big special effort just to be able to talk to them freely and intimately…. And it kinda sends out a strong non-verbal message. I mean, obviously they know you weren’t going through all this special effort and difficulty just to know what they were watching on TV or what they ate for dinner…….geddit? It’s something like a modern day equivalent of scaling a small mountain to pick a lady’s favourite flower… only less cool.

;-)


But hold your horses OK guys… don’t start collecting coins and calling from payphones just yet. I don’t think it’s quite the same anymore. Girls these days won’t start to think it was sweet if you start calling from a payphone. Instead, they’ll get the impression that you’re constantly running out of airtime credit, or you haven’t been paying your bills. Both of which points to either a poor ability to manage money or a very shallow pocket. Not quite the way to impress the ladies…

I’d love to suggest something, but I don’t think there’s an equivalent anymore. Everything’s too easy and convenient these days. In fact, it’s so convenient that  a call or sms is mostly expected. You’d have a hard time explaining why you have not been in touch. I know of women who get angry when they don’t receive any word or call from their knight in shining armour. “What, you can’t even send me a simple message? Don’t you even think about me? Am I not even worth a 15 cent SMS? Just goes to show how important I am to you! Hmmphh!”

For once my brothers, convenience is the enemy. 

What Women Want

“I get annoyed. She complains about this and that and how she’s so unhappy about everything. When I try to talk to her about the solution, she says I’m not listening to her!”

“Here’s what’s happening. You feel frustrated because you know you ARE listening. In fact, you’re listen so well and care so much, you even bother to think up of a solution for her. You’re throwing it in her face saying ‘Look, look, I can help! Here’s what I did for you!’. But that’s the problem. She doesn’t want a solution. Not yet anyway. She wants you to listen. That’s all. You’re not supposed to make it more than that.”

“Then why does she tell me her problems if she doesn’t want my solution?”

“Because she probably already KNOWs the solution. She doesn’t need you to teach her how to solve it. She just wants your EMPATHY. I know it’s totally weird. But that’s how women work. ”

“So what do I do then? “

“Here’s what you do. Keep quiet. Just listen. Light suggestions are allowed. But DO NOT OFFER / IMPOSE A SOLUTION UNLESS SHE ASKS. I know it’s hard.. but you have to allow her to make mistakes of her own. I know you think your job is to protect here and make sure she never stumbles and falls. But actually, it isn’t. Your job is to be there and help her pick herself up.”

“But even when she does ask my help / advise, I get annoyed because I tell her what I think, but she still goes on to do whatever she wants. Why ask for my advice if you have no intention of taking it?”

“Advice is a weird thing. We all know we shouldn’t give it. But we all want to give it. Advice by definition means some sort of suggestion only. No one’s obliged to take it. And yet we feel hurt when it’s not heeded. But give her due respect. Even if you know your way is better, even if you know what you say is correct, let her make her own choice. You cannot impose your will on people. The more you try, the more they resist you. Don’t say ‘I told you so’ if you’re proven right. Just support her emotionally. (That means more listening, not more solutions). It’s more important for her to look to you as a source of strength and support rather than a source of solutions.”

“I feel like I’m the one doing all the compromising. It’s not fair. It’s always me giving in; it’s always me saying sorry. Sometimes, I just wish she would be the one to give in instead of me all the time.”

“That’s a tough one. No one wants to feel taken advantage of. We all want to receive in kind what we give. As much as we say love is selfless and giving, our hearts have very real needs too. And the need to be loved in return is probably at the top of that list. Problem is, you can’t twist someone’s arm into loving you. You can’t make X number of sacrifices and demand X number in return. Stop keeping score. If you keep score, she will too. And both of you won’t agree on what the true score is (Just think of the England-Germany match!) Don’t think of payback. Focus on giving. Focus on loving her. If you do this consistently enough, she will know that you only have her interest at heart. And it is natural after that she will soften her stand over time, and have your interest at heart too. She will start to show you love in return, but in ways of her own. And you must be wise enough to pick up those signals when it happens. In the mean time, you have to be patient. In relationships, it always takes time for your efforts to bear fruit.”

“What do you do about the whining?”

“Just go along with it. She just wants to vent. We all need someone to vent to. Heck I’ve been listening to you whine for the past 2 hours. You don’t see me complaining.”

“But I need her to be on the same page as me. There are so many things in life I want to do and achieve. It’s hard to achieve those goals if we don’t see eye to eye.”

“Be careful what you’re trying to say. Are you saying that she’s holding you back? There can be no such thoughts in a relationship. If you do, you’re suggesting that there is something else that ranks higher than her in your list of priorities. If you start to think of her as an obstacle for you achieving your goal, you will start to harbour ill feelings towards her, and you would have killed the spirit of the relationship. You just told me the most important thing to you is family.. and as far as I’m concerned, she’s as good as family. What kind of goals are you trying to achieve? Have you ever stopped to consider this; the relationship in itself is a goal. A relationship is something you build, keep and maintain. It’s not something you acquire en route to achieving something else. Maybe for a goal oriented person like you this is kind of hard to accept, but that’s how you should be looking at your relationship. It’s something you invest it; you make sacrifices, you make time, you make compromises, you spend money, all with the intention of nurturing the relationship.”

“About achieving your goals in life… that’s never an easy topic. It’s hard enough trying to achieve our goals when we’re single. It’s infinitely harder when someone else comes into your life with a different set all together. It will perpetually be a work in progress. You need to first learn what she wants out of life. Then you have to learn what you want out of life. Then stop, let these things sink in and simmer. Support each other wherever your goals do not conflict and continue on nurturing the relationship. Then at some point, when your relationship is deeply rooted enough, the two of you need to slowly work out what ‘WE’ want out of life. ‘WE’ need to have some sort of common vision. It doesn’t have to be an exclusive list where some of your goals are vetoed out and some of my goals are forced in. Instead, it will look more like a Venn chart. You both have different sets of things you want in life, but there is an intersection of core items both of you want in life. And that will be what keeps you united without compromising the rest of your goals. Find common ground. It's the oldest trick in the book. But please don’t bring a pen and pencil and sit her down and start examining her goals in life. This is more an emotional exercise rather than intellectual one. It takes a lot of discerning, self examination and soul searching…. and it takes a lot of time."

"Matters of the heart always do.”

A New Friend

I know this is going to sound so childish...but I made a new friend that day. His name's Roger.

First impressions ; Roger's a nerd. A computer programmer who stays at home most nights, has 2 twin sisters, enjoys being a couch potato and likes watching movies on Wednesday nights at the cinema when there's a special discount. He looked more nervous talking to me than I was talking to him. He wasn't very good at creating conversation and tended to avoid eye contact. I'd have to admit that there were more awkward silences than I'd normally tolerant. Basically, Roger wasn't the kind of guy girls are normally attracted to, nor the kind guys like hanging out with.

But I decided Roger's going to be my new best friend... from in church at least. I'm a sucker for underdogs you see. I want to be on the side that no one wants to be on. Someone told me that's somewhat of a Anti-Establishment-Post-Modernist way of thinking.... whatever that means. There were plenty of other more socially competent people around, but Roger convey a kind of unpolished but genuine sincerity in befriending me. I know because he hovered close to me even as others came up to talk to me. And the next day, I immediately got an invitation from him to watch a movie. That swung my vote completely to Roger. He was sincere. That was important to me.

In my books, sincerity counts for much more than charm, wit or any other quality you might think matters. The great thing about sincerity is that it's hard to fake. The problem is, it's not easy to convey.

For now at least, I think he's a sincere guy. Plain, simple, ordinary people tend not to have ulterior motives. They just want to be friends. I duno.. I might be wrong... but I kinda like having friends like that in the mix. Male friendships tend to be like that sometimes. They are uncomplicated. They don't talk much. They tend to rely more on social activities to establish bonds with you i.e. watching a movie, playing games, sports... anything that does not involve you needing to pour out your deepest darkest fears and insecurities.

Having said that, I do remember complaining to someone some time ago about how I felt the need to shed some of my older friend and gain a few ENGLISH speaking ones.... which I gladly did to some degree. And as socially inept as Roger may seem at first impressions.. I'm glad he speaks English.

And who knows.. his twin sisters might turn out to be pretty hot!

Just kidding....

:-P

Seeking God

There I was sitting amongst a group of over 20 people.. almost all of them complete strangers to me. I looked to my right. My mother was considerably uncomfortable. I pat her on the hand, trying to reassure her that it was OK. She never was really good with strangers. I don't think she wanted to be there. This was after all my idea. She wanted to just stay at home... but I insisted this was something we had to do. Actually, it was something I had to do. What I didn't tell her was that I was relying heavily on her for some courage just to be there. Truth be told, I don't think I was particularly good with strangers either.

To their credit, everyone at the cell group were extra nice to us. But everyone's nice to you when you're a first timer. It's the second / third visit, when you're no longer a first timer, but still a complete stranger that it becomes terrifying.... for me at least. But I was determined to take this first step anyway, however shaky it may be. The events of the past few weeks, months and years had compelled me to this point.

Someone in the group was saying that different people react differently when it comes to things that happen to them in their lives. Some are drawn closer to God by it... others are driven further away. That hit home for me. Because that was why I was here. I was trying to get closer to God. People say when your heart speaks… take good notes. And here are the notes I managed to write down.

Over days and nights of reflecting on my life thus far, I have come to the realization that the sum of all that I am, all that I have, and all the relationships and friendships that I enjoyed were not due to my own abilities but were a blessing from up above. This realization did not come after some awe inspiring sermon. Instead, it came to me gradually and slowly, after thinking back very carefully about very specific events in my life that brought me here today. Everything that I had, every person that I hold dear, every love I ever received… none of it were a result of my own planning, effort or initiative. Everything happened at its own accord, yet with a strange harmony and elegance. Some call it lucky coincidences. I call it divine providence. If I didn’t do all this, someone certainly did. I know things did not happen by chance because that’s not how chance looks like. Chance suggest a complete randomness. Randomness is chaotic, messy and disorganized. And though my heart does seem chaotic at times, my life on the other hand seems to be guided by an invisible hand.

Although not much of a spiritual person, I found it hard to deny that there was something or someone at work in my life. And on some intellectual level as well as deep deep down in my heart, I sort of acknowledge that it was God at work here. I just knew. Funny, considering I had been ignoring him for most of my life. I made a decision that day; that I would start being part a church again… in its proper sense. And here I was… taking my first step at that.

See, all my life… I believed in myself, in my own abilities, in my own talents. I believed that I was in control of my life. God featured very little in my plans.. I had it all planned out. When I was 17, I acted as if the realities of life would bend itself to conform my will. All I had to do was make the right moves, work hard, do the right thing, and the road to success would pave itself. Otherwise, I’d just make my own road, like some sort of trailblazer.  I’d live a different life. I knew I had what it takes to get there. When it came to relationships, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what all the right moves were. I had life figured outThat was me at 17.

In a few weeks time, I turn 25. The desire to succeed and the passion to achieve are no less there, but the aura of invincibility is gone. Within the last 8 years, life has been a series of starts, stops, mad breaks, crazy sprints, U-turns, double U-turns, detours, shortcuts, red lights, green lights, yellow lights… and even no lights. The road wasn’t quite what I thought it to be and I wasn’t all I thought myself to be either. I never came near to any of the paths I thought I was destined to take. Where I thought I was strong enough to succeed, I failed miserably.

Everyone born with drive and passion quietly label themselves trailblazers. Our confidence is such that we believe in our abilities to go far even when we haven’t quite figured out where that is or how we we’re going to get there. That’s how I felt too. But I looked back at myself and though about the defining points in my life; from high school, to college, to university, to work; from student, to undergraduate, to trainee, to colleague, to superior; from friend, to confidant, to lover, to fiancée. I asked myself this question “If I asked you when you were 17, to get to where you are today in 8 years, would you know how to get there? Would you, by your own efforts, been able to forge these sorts of relationships, be placed in these sorts of positions, have these sorts of doors opened? By yourself?”

I dared not say Yes.

By comparison to others, I have achieved nothing significant. I hold no Ivy League degree. I hold no fancy job. I’m not engaged to Miss Malaysia, and there’s still a million dollars missing from my bank account. I live an average, middle class life, just like 9 million other people living here. But you see, although I have not achieved much, the amount of obstacles I had to overcome were many. The degree of difficulty was also far higher than anything I imagined at 17. I dare not claim credit because in most cases, it wasn’t me who made the solution, it wasn’t me who solved the problem. All I did was what I could with what I have by having courage and keeping hope.

Life is less about the things you achieve, and more about the obstacles you overcome.... Who do you consider a success; one who had little obstacles to overcome in achieving much……or the one that overcomes much to achieve seemingly less? Who do you think deserves higher praise? Who do you think has accomplished more in their life? Who do you really think is really at work here?

It is with that in mind that I realized - I did not come this far in life on my own. I had help from people who walked by my side, and from God who hovered above. He was there all this time determining my steps, even though I neither felt his presence or sought his will.

And that’s the point really. We always thing about what we want in life, what we want to accomplish, what we want to do. And when life doesn’t turn out the way we want, we blame God. But in reality, this isn’t how things work. In his heart, man plans his course, but the Lord determines his step.  It is God’s will that prevails in the end. It is the path God chose for us that is that one we will end up on, regardless of what we think is our choice. The last 8 years had been living proof of it to me.

I needed to know what God’s plan for me was…. what the next 8 years is meant to be like. But I cannot know it, if I was far away from him.

“Is there anything you’d like me to pray for you?” someone asked me.

“Yes……I need to feel God’s presence closer in my life. I know him in my head, I’ve seen His with my eyes. But now, I need to feel Him in my heart. That's been missing in my life.”

And that really… is was why I was there….

Does that make sense?

Whispers at a Wake

"My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? "It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. "You say you should have died instead of me. But during my time on earth, people died instead of me, too. It happens every day. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your colleague falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole. "It is why we are drawn to babies . . ." He turned to the mourners. "And to funerals."

Except from The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

I had thought about little else that day. The news of aunty’s departure was sudden and abrupt, but not entirely unexpected. Many questions came to my mind as I made my way to the house. I had never been to Wake before. Do I bring flowers? Do you write a card? Do you make donation? How much? What are the right things to say? Is there ever a right thing to say?

I spotted my friend from a distance and pushed those questions aside. If I didn't know, I'd just find out later. Right now, there was a friend needing comforting. She was aunty’s eldest daughter. Her eyes looked a bit swollen. I couldn’t be sure if it was from crying or exhaustion… perhaps it was both. I tightened my grip on the little card I brought along as I walked up to her and gave her a hug.

“I’m so sorry….” came the whisper from my lips.

That was all I said. I've always had this weird belief that special moments require special words.. words that somehow reflected the significance of the event. But even after spending the entire day thinking and meditating upon it, that was all I could bring myself to say..."I'm sorry..." Perhaps it was the only thing to say really….. the gravity of the events did not need overstating. The service started as soon as I arrived. Thank goodness I wasn't late. The crowd starting singing hymns and Christian songs that Aunty was most fond of. Halfway through Amazing Grace, came another whisper;

“Are you a Christian?” Many heads bowed in prayer. A few did not.

Though I too grieved over the sudden departure of Aunty, I knew deep inside that this was not the end. This was not goodbye. Christians aren’t immune to sadness and grieving… but we are told not to grieve without hope. One day, we will be raised again. We will be united in Christ with the ones dear to us. I wondered what comfort those who did not believe had. I wonder what hope they kept in the face of death. I remember my mother weeping when I was a kid. She had heard that her own aunt, the closest thing she had to a mother – died before knowing Christ. I could not understand this at the time. The full realization of death and what it meant to have a hope that goes beyond death did not come until much later.  But that night more than ever before, I was reminded what it meant, and just how priceless it truly is to have this faith. The dearer someone is to you, the more critical this faith becomes.

The eulogies came from friends who’d known Aunty for decades… one of them my own relative. I smiled as I heard testimonies about how Aunty would go through great lengths to prepare the favourite foods for her friends and loved ones. I smile because well… it was Aunty’s cooking that I remembered most clearly too. It’s funny that in the end, it is the simple gestures and small acts of kindness that seem to leave the biggest impact on people’s lives. And with Aunty, it was her simple act of preparing food for people that showed how warm and loving she really was. The testimonies were proof of that.

“She looks so pretty” came another whisper.

This time I was standing at her coffin looking down on her. She did look pretty. It was actually the first time in my life that I have come face to face with the deceased. I gazed silently. It’s a sobering experience. It forces you to confront the hard truths of life. Everyone born of this world will die one day. It’s just a matter of when. Mankind puts the value of human life above all other creatures. But under the sun, the only difference between our lives and that of even a May fly is that we live for less than a hundred years and a May Fly lives for just a few days. When you compare that to the eternal span of time, our lives are a miniscule dot in grand scheme of things only marginally longer than others. But there was a key difference; unlike the May Fly and every other creature on earth, mankind wasn’t created just to exist. We were created to nurture and love one another, to learn & marvel at all of creation, and ultimately to know, honour & worship the one that created it all - God The Creator. The God that I knew Aunty had been faithful to till the very end. She had finished well, and that was a comforting thought. I placed one hand on the coffin, closed my eyes and said a quick prayer, committing Aunty into His hands. God keeps all his promises.

Everyone was talking casually and laughing; everything from upcoming weddings, cost of funerals, latest movies and even career prospects in the airline industry. On the way home I wondered why this was so. Why did everyone talk about everything else except the reason we were all there? Maybe many just didn’t know how to tackle the subject. Or maybe like me, many people fear the clumsy words that may escape their mouths. Maybe everyone was trying to put on a brave face, or trying to cheer up the surviving family. But I realized something; our collective presence there as a group was a physical message that made a stronger statement than any amount of words could convey. And that statement is that ‘We are with you. Your loss is my loss. Your sorrow is my sorrow’. By being present, the heavy weight of grief is carried by all. The family need not mourn alone.

I was among a group that was the very last guest to leave. I made a promise to my friend as much as to myself that I will visit again at the end of the week. On the way home, another whisper came from a friend

“I’m glad they’re OK. They seem to be taking it rather well…”.

I was glad too. But I appealed to them in earnest; our role does not end here. As reality sinks in over the next few months, so will the pain of this loss increase. A lot of people don’t understand grief. The most painful moments don’t come immediately after the events, they come later when the state of shock is gone and the gravity of it all starts to be felt. 

“It is in those darkest hours that we must be there.” I whispered in my heart.


To my dear friend….

If and when you read this, again, I am sorry for your loss. Please allow me to share this as words of comfort and encouragement to you and your entire family.

The 18th-century Bible commentator Matthew Henry wrote these words that he hoped would be read after his death by anyone who might unduly mourn his passing. May it be a comfort to you too. He wrote:

“Would you like to know where I am?


I am at home in my Father’s house, in the mansions prepared for me here. I am where I want to be—no longer on the stormy sea, but in God’s safe, quiet harbor. My sowing time is done and I am reaping; my joy is as the joy of harvest.


Would you like to know what I am doing?


I see God, not as through a glass darkly, but face to face. I am engaged in the sweet enjoyment of my precious Redeemer. I am singing hallelujahs to Him who sits upon the throne, and I am constantly praising Him.


Would you know what blessed company I keep?


It is better than the best on earth. Here are the holy angels and the spirits of just men made perfect. I am with many of my old acquaintances with whom I worked and prayed, and who have come here before me.


Lastly, would you know how long this will continue?


It is a dawn that never fades! After millions and millions of ages, it will be as fresh as it is now. Therefore, weep not for me!”

I believe with all my heart that Aunty will be telling us all the same thing from up above.

How to Survive the World Cup (For Non Football Fans)

Offside - Defined by a forward player being nearer to the opponent’s goal post than the ball or the last defender of the opposing team. Technicalities aside, it basically means that a player is at some place he shouldn’t be on the pitch.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, because I’m sort of in an offside position too. I’m in a place I shouldn’t be…. smack in the middle of World Cup fever that is. See, unlike 90% of the rest of the male population, I don’t watch football. Neither am I a big fan of it. I know football, I know the rules, I know how it’s played, and I know most of the major teams and players, but I still don’t consider myself a football fan.

Like every other guy who isn’t really into football but still wants to be ‘one of the guys’ I support Manchester United. If you don’t have a clue about football but still want to appear like you are, just say you’re a Manchester United fan. There is an 80% chance the person you are talking to is also a Man Utd fan. If you want to seem a bit more sophisticated, say you’re a Liverpool, Real Madrid or Barcelona fan. Never say you’re a Chelsea fan unless you’re prepared to be hated instantly.

 If prompted about the state of local football, just say you don’t bother following because they aren’t nearly as good as they used to be back in the days when Mokhtar Dahari was playing. Don’t worry if you don’t know who Mokhtar Dahari is because mentioning his name makes people assume you know what you’re talking about, and those who don’t know are secretly as clueless as you but will be too embarrassed to ask.

Usually, not being a football fan isn’t too big a deal. But every four years once, for a month, this worldwide pandemic called World Cup Fever strikes. There is no escaping this. It’s like a zombie disease. Real zombies hunger for human flesh and once they bite you, you too become one of them. In the football version, all they do is talk about last night’s match… and once you’ve been infected, you too will go on talking about last night’s match to other innocent people

The only way to avoid being infected; blend in. Zombies will not bite you if they think you’re already one of the undead brethren. Same principle applies. You need to appear to be totally into the World Cup fever without actually sacrificing your soul to the undead. Here are some useful tips:

1.    Pick a team to ‘support’. All World Cup conversations inevitably lead to one question “Which team are you supporting?” Saying you don’t support any team is a dead giveaway (no pun intended).  All infected members will support at least one team. Don’t go for Brazil because everyone who doesn’t know anything about football picks Brazil as ‘their team’. Don’t go for any of the African countries either because everyone knows no one supports them except Africans. Don’t go for North Korea too, because Kim Jong Ill is an evil man and wants to start World War 3. And definitely do not support the USA, because that just makes you look stupid. Your safest best will be one of the European teams, except for Greece who are essentially bankrupt (I suspect their players are being paid in barrels of olive oil).

2.    Keep track of the results. You don’t have to watch the match. Just read what the paper said, read facebook updates and overhear what the folks in coffee shops are saying…. And echo that the next time someone asks you about last night’s match. Either show glee that that one team won, our curse that other lost. You don’t really have to pay close attention to any of the matches until at least the quarter finals where the tournament really heats up. If you’re not sure what do say, just ask them what they think and add in general phrases like “Ya, you’re right! Unbelievable! Who would have expected that right? Well, I think they might still have a chance.” That way, you get fully involved in the conversation without actually having to say anything.

3.    Get your facts right. You don’t have to act like you know everything. But in order to pass off as one of the undead, you will need to know some basic facts. There are 11 people in a team. Only the goalkeepers is allowed to use his hands (unless your name is Maradonna or Thierry Henry). The games are in South Africa this time. There are 32 teams. This year North and South Korea are in. Holland is in. China is NOT in. When England plays, don’t ask where David Beckham is. He’s NOT in. The official song for the world cup is Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) performed by Shakira. There’s even a dance to it, but you’re not expected (nor encouraged) to do it. You don’t have to memorize the tune, because no one remembers any World Cup song except the one sang by Ricky Martin back in ’98.

4.    Stay up late and act tired the whole day in work. It helps if you have zombie eye bags. It gives people the impression that you stayed up last night watching the match even though you were really just surfing Facebook and watching videos on Youtube. Of course, don’t forget to do #2 before going to work. Pay special attention if you hear extra loud shouts from your neighbours or nearby coffee shop… it means there was a particularly interesting match that you must pretend to know about.

5.    Offense, the best defense. If you failed to do No.2, you could also take this gamble. Ask if they saw last night’s match. If they say no, you can say no too. End of conversation. If they say yes, then ask for a brief summary of the game. (Try to) listen and ask who that team is up against next ask if they think the team is going to go any further in the tournament. This pre-emptive strike will imply to others that you are already part of the Infected crowd, hence taking the pressure off you.

If all else fails,just tell them the truth. Tell them you’re more of a rugby fan. Football fans would usually be too taken aback by this to say anything. First of all, rugby is an infinitely more manly game. Rugby makes football look like a game girl scouts play during camp. Rugby players are built like war tanks and make footballers like Christiano Ronaldo look like little school boys. Secondly, most people in this part of the world don’t know much about rugby. You could say you’re a supporter of the Brisbane Buckaroos or the Wellington Wallabies or something like that and no one would be the wiser. If you manage to pull this off, you will be left alone for the rest of the world cup.

Just remember that you will have to suddenly develop amnesia when the Rugby World Cup (yes, they have one of those too) starts in New Zealand next year.

Good luck!

Cold Feet Or Something LikeThat

I have a confession to make.

I’m just four months away from getting married. We’ve been planning this whole wedding since last year really. Unlike western weddings, Asian weddings – especially Chinese ones, are never a simple affair. But most of the things are in place; venue, food, music, photographer, church arrangements. Whatever’s not sorted out will be in the next few months.

My fiancée posted a few of our pre-wedding photographers on facebook recently, and there were loads of excited comments and compliment to (mostly) the bride and (partly) to the groom for looking like such a stunning couple. One person spoke the words right out of my mouth when they said… “Your husband is the luckiest man in the world… you can see it on his face.” I had to smile at that.

But that’s not the confession.

The confession is – I’m not as excited as I think I should be. It’s just four months away. Four months from now, I will be declaring in front of man and God that this is the woman I will spend the rest of my life with, and I’m still not feeling any jitters, no adrenaline, no anxiety..unlike her of course. She’s been excited since last year. As for me, a part of me knows that when it really comes down to it, I will feel the excitement of it all. It’s not so much of if, but when. But for now at least, it really seems like it’s the people around us who are more excited about our wedding that we are ourselves. We’ve been playing it pretty cool so far, but a lot of relatives and especially friends seem so caught up in it all; offering all sorts of tips, advise and help.

I’ve remained largely behind the scenes for now – quietly make preparations here and there, not going around in any big way announcing The Big Day to one and all. A part of me wonders if I behave like this because I’m being my usual shy self, or am I downplaying it because of my own uncertainties.

I’ve had a lot on my mind. I ask myself the same question she frequently asked me when we first got engaged “Do you feel pressured into marrying me?” My answer to her was of course no, but as the months went by, I find myself asking the same question – as if I needed the assurance more than her. I was very frank when I said that if it had been any other woman, under any other circumstances, I would not be taking this step today. My life’s plan did not include marriage smack in the middle of my twenties But here I am today, and this is what it is…. and I believe this is what fate had intended for me all along. It hit home for me when I read the other day that “In his heart, man plans his course, but it is the LORD who determines his step.” In more than just my coming marriage, I have come to truly learn and embrace the fact that nothing… NOTHING that I have today came from my own efforts or abilities. Yes, I had a role to perform too. But I did not set this up, I did not plan this out, and I certainly did not make it work. But just like an actor, I just sat there, read my lines and everything else fell into its own place. I may the lead actor in the story of my life…. but the man upstairs was directing it. But more on that next time.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching again… as if trying to prepare myself for what is to come. I think deep down inside, I’m still not convince that I have what it takes to take this next step. But if I gave in to that, I know I never will be.

I know a part of me is still somewhat reluctant to give up my bachelorhood. I have no idea why this seems to be such a big deal to me. Someone aptly pointed out to me that I’ve been in a steady, solid relationship for 8 years that we’re practically behaving like a married couple already. What’s the big deal? Has there ever been someone else? Well… no… not for the most part anyway. My feelings are that for me to be married at my age…well, it’s a bit too early for my taste. 5 more years would be just about right. Many have agreed with me on this and I feel validated to some extent. But I know there’s more. The truth is, I feel reluctant because getting married means that I am closing all other options. You’re committing… and once you commit, there is no way out, no backup plan. This is what you’re stuck with, for better or for worse. Your instinct tells you that you should hold out just in case… because you don’t really know what else is coming your way. There might be someone else out there for you. You have only one life to live, and you don’t want to short change yourself. Ever had thoughts like that? It’s a selfish and loveless thought of course…. but there it is, clouding my mind and planting seeds of doubt.

There is another fear – and that’s the fear of change. See, I’m the kind of guy that’s usually happy with the status quo. I’m slow at adapting to change and often need some time before settling in. I’m young in age…. but old at heart. I don’t resist change. Change should always be for the better and not just for the sake of it. But I’m the kind that wants change should happen in an orderly, deliberate and gradual manner. Change means uncertainty. Uncertainty means a lack of control. And when you feel like you don’t have control over your life, you get scared. This explains my feet dragging when it comes to marriage. Marriage is after all one of the biggest, most life changing steps we all take in our lives….. and after that, the next thing everybody’s going to be wanting… are babies…. gulp……….. Can you blame me for being scared out of my pants?

But life’s never the way we want it to be isn’t it? It doesn’t give a damn about your opinion or how you feel. It goes on the way it does. Changes may come both suddenly and gradually. The big ones often pounce suddenly from behind, and the profound ones often creep up slowly beside you… either way, you seldom see it coming.

I have had plenty of time to allow my thoughts to simmer…. to allow myself to wrestle with these conflicting emotions and hopefully come out with the right conclusions, and here it is.

Love is the central theme to all our loves. It is in its essence - selfless. It takes delight in sacrificing for others. But it’s often harder than it sounds because love will require you to make expensive sacrifices; sacrifices that are often to your expense. The only joy you can be totally assured of is the joy of giving. If I were to live a life of love, my decisions cannot be all about me, me and me only. A person who lives only for himself has no love, and one who has no love lives a meaningless life. I can’t afford that.

The urge to retain bachelorhood is nothing but a selfish attempt on my part to avoid ending up on the short end of the bargain in life. But either way, there are no guarantees in life. A man cannot see further than the limits of his sight. If I profess to love my fiancée (which I do), I will let go of this selfish thought. In any case, with her I secure a lifetime of certain happiness. Without her, I gain merely an option of some vague possibility in the future. Even a fool would know how to choose from these options. As for change….well… be it slow or fast, it is a fact of life. Resisting change may block out uncertainties, but also exciting possibilities. It’s easier to learn how to cope with change rather than to pretend it can be stopped. And to what I can see, when faced with change, we often learn things about ourselves we’d otherwise never have discovered.

Cheers.

Next post… fatherhood?....................... Naaaah. Let me just get through this first OK? :-)

Where the curiosity stops, the reading ends.

If you've ever started a blog before in your life, you'll know that all bloggers, ALL.. with NO exceptions have wondered at some point in their lives who's actually reading their blogs. I know it's a rather self centered, self absorbed kind of thought... but it’s unavoidable. Everyone word spoken longs to be heard. Similarly, every word typed longs to be read, whether or not the author thinks he’s ready for it to be read is a different matter.

I'm saying all this now because I found on my twitter account (look under random thoughts) that 68 tweets later, I now a grand total of 3 followers. Of course I am well aware that in the tweeting world, this is as pathetic a number as it gets. I checked, and Britney Speaks as 5.14 million followers, Lady Gaga has 4.5million followers and the oldest twitterer in the world, Ivy Bean has about fifty four thousand followers. I have 3.

But considering that this blog (as well as my tweet) is completely anonymous, has zero links to anywhere else on the World Wide Web and is virtually unknown to everyone around me, I’m not being too hard on myself. I consider anything more than 10 hits a day as nothing short of phenomenal. (No, I’m not being modest here) What’s worse would be to shamelessly promote my blog to everyone around me and still find only about 3 readers.

Now, I may just be an amateur blogger with hardly any readers, but believe it or not, I have actually been blogging for 6 years now. In those six years, I have written 637 post which averages to roughly one post every four days. I honestly say I got a real kick out of calculating that…. If only for my self-entertainment.

I think there used to be some person in India who read my old blog but has since disappeared; a certain Malaysian lady (named Cat) living in the US is a regular; I know a certain person sitting in Melbourne reads this (yes, YOU Miss Reads-But-Never-Speaks…lol); another person living in France drops by once in a while (Is that Madame or Monsieur?); There’s a certain POD from Singapore (whose acronym I’m still trying to figure out)..….. and maybe one or two living in Malaysia., I can’t really be sure.

Here are some interesting facts you may not have known - I have come to know and met 3 complete strangers from blogging. All of which I’m glad to say didn’t turn out to be creepy stalkers or murderers… but genuinely nice people… a few of which I have ended up becoming genuine friends with (though I still have a hard time explaining to people how we met). I received an email once from someone in Canada, asking for my opinion on what to do about a certain life crisis she was going through – her soldier boyfriend had died in the war in Afghanistan and she was falling in love with another guy who lost his partner in the war too at about the same time. She wasn’t sure if they were truly falling in love, or was he just looking to fill the emotional void. I didn’t really feel qualified to give out advice especially when I don’t know the whole tale, but replied anyway… trying my best to empathize. I didn’t hear from her since. I wonder how things are now.

I’ve come to accept that most (if not all) readers come and go.

Those who have bothered to stay and read say I talk a lot of sense. Others have said they enjoy my frankness or the way I write. But I also know that some people find my posts too wordy. I have since tried to be a bit more concise, but remind myself that with this blog at least, the freedom to express whatever, however in as many words as needed took precedence over the urge to trim it down to something more palatable for people not willing to read more than 500 words per post. People want everything instant, compact and to the point. If you haven’t got to you point after two mouse scrolls, you’re taking too long. We want instant gratification. We want this condensed version of things.

But everyone has their own style of writing…. And 6 years and 600 over post later, I’ve discovered – so do I. And true to my personality in real life, I take my time in writing. And I take my time in making a point. This ain’t a ‘fast food’ blog. It’s a full course meal.. meant to be taken slowly and unhurriedly. And you eat whatever’s the special of the day, sometimes it’s a serving of God and religion, some days it’s platter of insight and love… and other days it’s a smorgasbord of everything. And as with all slow cooked food, how good it is depends a lot on the mood of the chef. Some days he makes delicious and witty remarks, and other days he makes silly analogies likening blogs to restaurant food.

So actually, I make no apologies to people who have found my blog too wordy. Perhaps they told me so in order for me to improve... to be a better writer. And I appreciate that. In all aspects of life, we should and must, always and only, move forward. But so far, I’m happy with what I am. Words are meant to express. And I think I express myself pretty clearly. They might say people don’t have the patience to read so many words. But that’s OK for me. Those who think it’s worth their time will take the time. I have no delusions of grandeur, no lofty dreams nor any craving for open recognition for the things I write. I don’t kid myself into thinking I should and can be a writer – plenty of others are more qualified.

It all boils down to what this is. It all boils down to the reason this blog exist (which I’ve already mentioned before). This blog is a personal piece of writing. Personal not in the sense of sharing all the details of my life – what I do, where I live, how I look like, political opinions etc…those sorts of blogs are a dime a dozen written by authors who somehow believe their lives are more interesting and more worth telling than others. But personal in the sense that it is here that I regularly deposit excerpts of my mind.. and along with it, a piece of my heart.

You will find this blog worth reading, only if you find me worth knowing. Because that is what will happen if you continue reading – knowing more and more of me even though I remain a complete stranger. Unless you do have a personal interest in getting to know me and what I have to say, there really is very little reason why anyone would continue reading once they’ve discovered all they want to know about me……. or they’ve simply had enough of me. Where the curiosity stops, the reading ends. And it is not my job, nor my intention to deliberately write in such a way as to keep your curiosity or interest in this alive. That'd be tantamount to selling out.... (I think I'm a bit of a purist in that sense)

I do not pretend to be someone worth knowing. I don’t know what kind of impression I give people. In my life, some have been happy to know me. Others are indifferent and don’t really think anything about me at all. I have been a blessing to a few, but also a mistake to others. My presence has been an encouragement to some, but also a stumbling block to others. I have been the knight in shining armour to one, but also the dark cloud of temptation to another. I have tended lovingly to wounds that eventually heal, but also been the one to rip hearts apart. I have moments of brilliance and moments of weakness. I have righteous convictions but also lustful thoughts. I have a giving heart, but also selfish desires. In short, I am just like everybody else….. or at least, anybody who has all the above too. :-P

If you think that’s worth your while… well…. Happy reading.. and cheers to you my friend.

:-)

P/S: Having said all that, some days I do read back on the things I write and find it more than just a bit too melodramatic even for my own taste.. I'll usually go "WHAT THE HELL??!!!"

Friends

Over time, I've come to realize more and more that genuine friendships require time, effort, patience, commitment, and also lots of love.

Like most people, I have known this truth for a long time now. But there is a very big difference between knowing it by head, and experiencing it by heart. I've always had this theory that friends come and go. And that duration last usually around 5 years. These people become your friends more out of circumstances rather than anything else. You work together, you study together, you attend the same church, or you live nearby. There is always some common platform in which your relationships is built upon, and most of the time, once that platform is removed, so the relationship eventually comes to an end.

It is only recently that I have truly experience in my own life, friendships that transcend such limitations of circumstance, time and geography. Friendships that somehow have stood throughout the years and are itself the platform on which all other things are build upon. In short, in used to be that you were put together, thus you became friends, but now it is because you are friends that you come together. Make any sense to you?

In all of these friendships that have stood out among the rest, there have been very distinct hallmarks that distinguish it from the rest. Both parties usually are genuinely concern with the welfare of each other and consistently express their care and concern. Both parties usually make a visible effort to be involved or at least be aware of each other’s life and situations. And lastly, both parties usually have this genuine and urgent desire to rekindle and reaffirm the relationship whenever periods of estrangement or emotional distance (inevitably) creep in. In a nutshell, they mean it when they say “Hey, how have you been doing? Do you want to meet up sometime? It’s been a while since we last talk. We should catch up.” Unfortunately, not everyone who says these lines truly mean it. A lot of people say it because it’s the courteous thing to do. They don’t know what else to say, so they just churn out these generic questions, to which you usually give generic answers. “I’m fine. Yeah, we should.” - without actually making any solid plans to meet up.

You will know if it’s superficial because it usually tumbles right over the minute some obstacles come in the way. They find driving 30 minutes across town isn’t the effort just to have lunch with you. They turn you down without making any alternate plans when meeting up clashes with America Idol / World Cup match / regular dinner time / the kind of place they like to eat / whose coming along / etc etc etc. Ever had a ‘friend’ like that?

There must be mutual commitment to the friendship itself on both sides. There must be a certain kind of spirit that “This person is important to me. I must make the effort.” Only then does a proper and lasting friendship form. Only then do you know that this is a genuine friend. This sort of friendship isn’t exactly rare. But isn’t as common as we’d like them to be either. You see, friends are important to all of us, perhaps eclipsed only by God and family. We all want friendships that are genuine & meaningful… but more than that, we want friendships… that last.

As so brilliantly said by C.S. Lewis

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

Cheers to you my friend.

The road to Happiness...

“I just want to be happy.”

That is often the thing a lot of people say to me when talking about life. At some point or another, we have all found ourselves searching for this thing called happiness. In fact, sometimes we think that being happy is one of the most important goals in life. At least I have.

So how do you be happy anyway? I find that the most common way of pursuing happiness…. is by doing everything we can to avoid suffering, sorrow, pain and any other emotion seen as an obstacle to happiness. In other words, we seek comfort. We seek things that make us feel good. We make this sort of correlation that the more comfort you have, the happier you are. And that's usually where money comes in. Money buys you comfort, money makes you suffer less. Hence, money buys you happiness. Most people I know who make it their life’s pursuit aren’t really greedy little goblins who never seem to have enough. In chasing the dollar, they are chasing what they honestly think is what they need to be happy in life.

You know, I do not doubt the value of money. Money IS one of the basic necessities in life. Money also can buy happiness to a certain extent - that holiday, that freedom, that luxury of choices that improve the quality of your life. Money is useful. It opens doors, gives you options, and solves a lot of your problems. In fact, money is so powerful a solution that when you have plenty of it, it becomes a ‘quick fix’ to almost every possible situation you will ever face in life. It’s not hard to imagine why some people put so much weight on money. But as with all ‘quick fixes’, it doesn’t really solve the root of the problem, especially when it’s interpersonal relations. And since interpersonal problems are often our most difficult problems, splashing more money to solve these problems is something equivalent to sweeping things underneath the carpet. Things become a bit more bearable, but haven’t really gone away.

Be wary of money I say. Because with money, you don't know who your true friends are, with money no one ever gets put to the test. You neither know the strength nor weaknesses of your true self, neither the depths of the friendships around you. More importantly, money does not fix the problems of the heart…… And since true happiness comes FROM the heart, money cannot buy you true happiness.

So again, how do you be happy? What is the road to happiness? Let me put this forth to you – there IS no road to happiness.

Why? Because happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at. Instead, it is the manner in which you arrive at wherever life brings you. It’s not which path you take, but how you travel that path. It’s not something you gain after completing a checklist. It’s a way of life. It’s a decision you make. I read a quote once that said “You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. ~ Lavetta Sue Wegman”. If you’re going to wait till everything’s OK before you be happy… you’re going to be waiting a long long time.


I know what you’re thinking right now. Nonsense. You can’t just psyche yourself to be happy. You simply can’t be happy when there is genuine cause for sorrow. If you do that just be lying to yourself. Yes, There are times when we will not be happy…. and you’d be right not to. You aren’t supposed to be happy if you just lost someone, someone got hurt, or something bad happened to you. Good things happen, bad things happen; the fact is that you will not be happy all the time in life. In this life, there is a time and place for everything…. As it is written:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


Ecclesiastes 3: 1~8

Contrary to what you may think, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal in life. There is no such thing as being permanently happy throughout your whole life. Times of difficulties.. times of comfort….it’s a cycle of life we all go through. Life isn’t a bed of roses. It tests you. It challenges you. It pushes you, and shoves you to the ground. Not to bring you down…… but to teach you how to get up. Learning how to live is more than just about learning how to be happy.

Those living in denial think it's sweet. Those living in despair think it's bitter. But those living in hope will tell you the truth - life is bittersweet. And the thing we must all learn is to love life in all of its bittersweet nature.

But knowing that there is a time and place for everything and acknowledging that life is bittersweet still does not stop our hearts from yearning for joy. I heard once that the search for happiness is actually a search for soul satisfaction. This intrinsic desire to quench the hunger in our soul exist because we all want to feel the fullness of life; we all want to feel contented; we all want to be happy.

But despite have such a deep yearning for happiness… many of us just scoff when the solution presents itself to us. Why? Because we find it to be too simplistic for our sophisticated minds. We cannot accept that such complicated problem requires such a simple solution.

But here it is….. in just two words.

Be grateful.

In everything give thanks. Not just for the good things in life; the wonderful people you meet; lucky breaks; golden opportunities; good health; material blessings; friends; family, but also for the bad things; obstacles; missed chances; illnesses; mistakes; screw ups; bad people…… Give thanks for everything that you had, have, will have and never will have. Why give thanks? Because whether or not you believe it – everything in life is a gift. Every feeling, every person, every place, every sight, every event, every day….. every moment in your life is a gift. Because life itself is a gift. And just like how our parents thought us when we were kids, you must remember to say ‘Thank You’ when you receive a gift

Who gave us this gift? I think you know. We aren’t here by accident. The gift of life is proof that there is a Maker, to whom we all must face one day. So, when you realize this truth…… there really is every reason to start being grateful.

And here’s the thing.

When you finally learn how to be grateful, you will unwittingly find yourself…….happy.

Insight & A Gozillian Dollars

Dear God,

You know my predicament. You know my problems. You know what I'm struggling with. Please help me. I need guidance. I need direction. I need insight. I need to know what I need to do. I need to know the right thing to do.

I have tried reaching out to the people of your house, but for many reasons of their own, none have come forward to guide me. The ones I did pluck up the courage to approach, the ones I did feel could understand and help me chose to draw a line.. and instead push it to others... others I did not know, others I do not trust can give me the right answers.

You have brought me here, to this point in life. You have blessed me in so many ways, though I have always wandered for away from you. Thank you. It really is true when people said you are better at answering prayers than we are at praying for the things you have done for me far exceed the things I could ever prayed for myself. You blessed me, and gave me a small gift of insight. That instead of learning slowly and painfully through my own mistakes, I have been able to perceive and understand many things in life, that I have been able to do the right things. 

But this time, I have no insight, I have no answers. I can't even know if these questions I am asking are really an issue or not, or is it all just 'in my head'? You have said in your word that it is my duty to lead in servitude like you. It is you who has given me eyes to see, and sight to perceive. I see the problem... but I can't see the solution. So please guide me. Please show me the way. Please help me to discern what is right and what is not as I choose between the paths set before me, all filled with shades of gray. Give me faith, give me courage... and please give me conviction.


I'm ready to listen, whenever you're willing to speak, be it through your word, your people, or any other miscellaneous divine acts. Thank you again for all that you have done for me, my family, my friends, and others I hold dear in my heart, even the ones who don't know it. May you guide them in their own lives and shower them with faith, love and hope.

From
Me

P/S: A miracle or two would be much welcomed. No need to part the red sea or anything....... but a gozillian dollars in my bank account would sure come in handy. No? Well, it was worth a shot. :-P

Yesterdays...

Time really flies doesn’t it?

It feels just like yesterday that I finally came to the full realization that there was never going to be a reunion of my broken family as a teen. If felt just like yesterday that I was proudly put on my graduation robes and fulfill my fathers’ long standing desire to see both his sons graduate. It felt just like yesterday that I wept silently next to my mother as she slept, exhausted from wondering the streets. I felt just like yesterday that my brother and I made a pact to never again fight against one another, but instead love each other the way brothers should.

Everything feels just like it was yesterday.

It felt just like yesterday that I first laid eyes on the first girl I would later come to admire from afar for years. It felt just like yesterday that I went through hell and back waiting in that abortion clinic just waiting and praying… for strength.. but mostly for forgiveness.. It felt just like yesterday that I read that poem, asking the love of my life to marry me. It felt just like yesterday that I found myself desolated and lonely, falling into the arms of another woman without really wanting to put up a fight.

The memories of yesterdays have a way of evolving over time.

The way you feel about things change as you do. The things you see in hindsight change as you move further ahead in life… The things that seems so significant & life changing don’t seem that big a deal than it first was, though you do know that once upon a time… once upon a time, it meant the world to you. But today, it’s just some memory you have, either because you keep it, or you just can’t get rid of it.

Time is a slippery thing.

It slips right through your fingers the minute you blink. It sprints right pass you when your gaze is fixed on life. The busier you are living your life, the faster time seems to past.  Ain’t that true for all of us? It makes yesterdays out of the things we do with our lives so quickly that before you know it….. you’ve got more yesterdays to recall than you are able to. Before you know it, chapters upon chapters of your life are scribed into your memory, whether you are ready or not.

There is no stopping it. I learned a long time ago that the time to live is now. The place to live is here. The person to love is the first one within your reach. There is no waiting till things are good before you start living. There is no such thing as waiting for everything to be well before you can be happy.  I learned that I will make mistakes, as others will too. I learned that I must forgive everyone of anything they ask forgiveness for because unforgiveness makes the yesterdays bitter.

I learned that though there is nothing you can do to change yesterday, there is always today to make up for it. There is always today to start doing things right again. Not always to right the wrongs, but to make the wrongs worth something in your life. I learned that when all else fails, when you are at your lowest - the thing that gives you strength & sustains you most, is the love you have today. And the thing that gives you courage to continuously put one foot in front of the other even though it weights a tonne, is the hope you have for the future.

It is said that to live with hope is to live life in the present as if that future promise is already true. How does a person live as if a future promise is already true? By looking at yesterday. Because yesterday is proof that in whatever you do, wherever you go, however you end up, dreams do come true, love does conquer, people do care, problems do have a solution, forgiveness is possible, wounds do heal, life does go on, miracles do happen.. and yes… God does exist.

So thank you yesterday.. for giving me hope for tomorrow. As the song goes:

I don’t know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day,
I don’t borrow from the sunshine, for its skies may turn to gray,

I don’t worry for the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I’ll walk beside him,
For he knows what lies ahead.

Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand.
But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.

I don’t know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty,
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.

The Meek Inherit the Earth

You know… I seldom dislike people. I think I’m OK with 9 out of 10 people I meet. I like to think of most people as quirky… I tend to take note of little little things about each individual person.. they sort of help me remember them a bit better.. and in a way.. endear myself to them. I mean every single word when I say I try to find something in everyone to like…. Psychologist will probably tell you that I do that because deep down inside, I want to be liked by everyone too. That many of our own actions point towards our own desires and values… but what do they know right?

I found myself loathing… absolutely, completely, utterly loathing someone... who just so happens to be a colleague of mine. We had just had a very very heated meeting with all sorts of blame, accusations and challenges being thrown across the room. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like punching the damn guy. This wasn’t the first time this guy was opening his big mouth talking stupid things, making silly claims, behaving immaturely and childishly. The first time, I had totally maintained my cool, and he came apologizing to me later for his lack of respect and for acting out of line, which I accepted. This time, he started attacking my colleague, then another, then finally me. I won’t go into details, but I’ll just say it took a lot for me not to stoop to his level and get engaged in an all out tit for tat argument. When someone is on the offensive, it’s very hard to not try to act defensively.. or attack back……and boy did I ever want to give him some of his own. In my heart, I was thinking “Don’t mess with me…Just because I’m nice…. don’t think I cannot bite. And you really don’t want me to start biting.”

That evening, as I was driving home, I found myself thinking about all the brilliant come back lines I’d use against this idiot. All the faults, all the screw ups, all the things he ever did wrong.. I’d have them all line up should he ever open his smartass mouth again before thinking. I will destroy him….. I smiled to myself…. Not the happy kind.. the evil kind.. that sort of says “Hmmph… you don’t know who you’ve just crossed swords with buddy boy… I’ll make you pay for your insolence! Death to the infidels!”

I can accept people who are slow. I can even accept people who are dumb. But I CANNOT.. ABSOLUTELY CANNOT tolerant people who are arrogant.. People whom when born had the words ‘stuck-up-pompous-high-nose-arrogant-bastard’ branded on their asses.

Humility is an important value to me. I think that is why I take such outrage when someone shows a total lack of it. I cannot stand it when someone shows to me that they think it’s beneath them to do good honest work, or to get their hands dirty, or to get down on the ground amongst workers. It totally disgust me when someone, knowing they are smart, think that they deserve better, deserve more because they somehow think their intellect makes them superior others.. Then, they try to hide their own selfish desires using their supposed ‘logic’, ‘reasoning’ and whatever crap their self serving pretentious lowly brains are capable of churning out….

Well… SCREW YOU buddy boy… You ain’t all that.

I have NEVER boasted of my achievements. Not once in my life. Not when I get better grades, not when I know more, not when I been through more, not when I earn more…. Not even when I know better than you… Because I know better than to boast. Some people may be smart, but not wise enough to know that.

I schemed, schemed and schemed. I really really poured out all evil thoughts on this idiot on that drive home… as if I was on some sort of warpath. I felt that even if no one else in that meeting understood why I said certain thing and more importanty, NOT said certain things, at least I knew. Truth be told, I was somewhat happy with myself for not stooping to his level. Made me feel like I was the better man.

But the next morning, I felt positively ashamed that I had actually taken a good point and used it as a source of pride and arrogance in myself. Though I had behaved better than him, though I had managed to take the moral high ground… that act turned into a source of arrogance….. the very thing I cannot stand in other people.

It is said that “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth – Matthew 5:5

 I still hated the guy (though I know I’m not supposed to)…I’m working on that OK…but for now, he’s officially in my bad books from now on. But I realized that unwittingly, I HAD retaliated his attacks in kind. His own arrogance had brought out MY own arrogance. I had fought fire with fire. For as hard as he tried to prove to others of his superiority through intellect, I had tried to prove to my own superiority through emotional maturity and wisdom.

I guess I’m not as humble as I thought.



P/S: I wrote this all out in the a blaze.. Now that I read it again, I'm wondering to myself... Does this make any sense? 

:-S