I have a confession to make.
I’m just four months away from getting married. We’ve been planning this whole wedding since last year really. Unlike western weddings, Asian weddings – especially Chinese ones, are never a simple affair. But most of the things are in place; venue, food, music, photographer, church arrangements. Whatever’s not sorted out will be in the next few months.
My fiancée posted a few of our pre-wedding photographers on facebook recently, and there were loads of excited comments and compliment to (mostly) the bride and (partly) to the groom for looking like such a stunning couple. One person spoke the words right out of my mouth when they said… “Your husband is the luckiest man in the world… you can see it on his face.” I had to smile at that.
But that’s not the confession.
The confession is – I’m not as excited as I think I should be. It’s just four months away. Four months from now, I will be declaring in front of man and God that this is the woman I will spend the rest of my life with, and I’m still not feeling any jitters, no adrenaline, no anxiety..unlike her of course. She’s been excited since last year. As for me, a part of me knows that when it really comes down to it, I will feel the excitement of it all. It’s not so much of if, but when. But for now at least, it really seems like it’s the people around us who are more excited about our wedding that we are ourselves. We’ve been playing it pretty cool so far, but a lot of relatives and especially friends seem so caught up in it all; offering all sorts of tips, advise and help.
I’ve remained largely behind the scenes for now – quietly make preparations here and there, not going around in any big way announcing The Big Day to one and all. A part of me wonders if I behave like this because I’m being my usual shy self, or am I downplaying it because of my own uncertainties.
I’ve had a lot on my mind. I ask myself the same question she frequently asked me when we first got engaged “Do you feel pressured into marrying me?” My answer to her was of course no, but as the months went by, I find myself asking the same question – as if I needed the assurance more than her. I was very frank when I said that if it had been any other woman, under any other circumstances, I would not be taking this step today. My life’s plan did not include marriage smack in the middle of my twenties But here I am today, and this is what it is…. and I believe this is what fate had intended for me all along. It hit home for me when I read the other day that “In his heart, man plans his course, but it is the LORD who determines his step.” In more than just my coming marriage, I have come to truly learn and embrace the fact that nothing… NOTHING that I have today came from my own efforts or abilities. Yes, I had a role to perform too. But I did not set this up, I did not plan this out, and I certainly did not make it work. But just like an actor, I just sat there, read my lines and everything else fell into its own place. I may the lead actor in the story of my life…. but the man upstairs was directing it. But more on that next time.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching again… as if trying to prepare myself for what is to come. I think deep down inside, I’m still not convince that I have what it takes to take this next step. But if I gave in to that, I know I never will be.
I know a part of me is still somewhat reluctant to give up my bachelorhood. I have no idea why this seems to be such a big deal to me. Someone aptly pointed out to me that I’ve been in a steady, solid relationship for 8 years that we’re practically behaving like a married couple already. What’s the big deal? Has there ever been someone else? Well… no… not for the most part anyway. My feelings are that for me to be married at my age…well, it’s a bit too early for my taste. 5 more years would be just about right. Many have agreed with me on this and I feel validated to some extent. But I know there’s more. The truth is, I feel reluctant because getting married means that I am closing all other options. You’re committing… and once you commit, there is no way out, no backup plan. This is what you’re stuck with, for better or for worse. Your instinct tells you that you should hold out just in case… because you don’t really know what else is coming your way. There might be someone else out there for you. You have only one life to live, and you don’t want to short change yourself. Ever had thoughts like that? It’s a selfish and loveless thought of course…. but there it is, clouding my mind and planting seeds of doubt.
There is another fear – and that’s the fear of change. See, I’m the kind of guy that’s usually happy with the status quo. I’m slow at adapting to change and often need some time before settling in. I’m young in age…. but old at heart. I don’t resist change. Change should always be for the better and not just for the sake of it. But I’m the kind that wants change should happen in an orderly, deliberate and gradual manner. Change means uncertainty. Uncertainty means a lack of control. And when you feel like you don’t have control over your life, you get scared. This explains my feet dragging when it comes to marriage. Marriage is after all one of the biggest, most life changing steps we all take in our lives….. and after that, the next thing everybody’s going to be wanting… are babies…. gulp……….. Can you blame me for being scared out of my pants?
But life’s never the way we want it to be isn’t it? It doesn’t give a damn about your opinion or how you feel. It goes on the way it does. Changes may come both suddenly and gradually. The big ones often pounce suddenly from behind, and the profound ones often creep up slowly beside you… either way, you seldom see it coming.
I have had plenty of time to allow my thoughts to simmer…. to allow myself to wrestle with these conflicting emotions and hopefully come out with the right conclusions, and here it is.
Love is the central theme to all our loves. It is in its essence - selfless. It takes delight in sacrificing for others. But it’s often harder than it sounds because love will require you to make expensive sacrifices; sacrifices that are often to your expense. The only joy you can be totally assured of is the joy of giving. If I were to live a life of love, my decisions cannot be all about me, me and me only. A person who lives only for himself has no love, and one who has no love lives a meaningless life. I can’t afford that.
The urge to retain bachelorhood is nothing but a selfish attempt on my part to avoid ending up on the short end of the bargain in life. But either way, there are no guarantees in life. A man cannot see further than the limits of his sight. If I profess to love my fiancée (which I do), I will let go of this selfish thought. In any case, with her I secure a lifetime of certain happiness. Without her, I gain merely an option of some vague possibility in the future. Even a fool would know how to choose from these options. As for change….well… be it slow or fast, it is a fact of life. Resisting change may block out uncertainties, but also exciting possibilities. It’s easier to learn how to cope with change rather than to pretend it can be stopped. And to what I can see, when faced with change, we often learn things about ourselves we’d otherwise never have discovered.
Cheers.
Next post… fatherhood?....................... Naaaah. Let me just get through this first OK? :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment