“I get annoyed. She complains about this and that and how she’s so unhappy about everything. When I try to talk to her about the solution, she says I’m not listening to her!”
“Here’s what’s happening. You feel frustrated because you know you ARE listening. In fact, you’re listen so well and care so much, you even bother to think up of a solution for her. You’re throwing it in her face saying ‘Look, look, I can help! Here’s what I did for you!’. But that’s the problem. She doesn’t want a solution. Not yet anyway. She wants you to listen. That’s all. You’re not supposed to make it more than that.”
“Then why does she tell me her problems if she doesn’t want my solution?”
“Because she probably already KNOWs the solution. She doesn’t need you to teach her how to solve it. She just wants your EMPATHY. I know it’s totally weird. But that’s how women work. ”
“So what do I do then? “
“Here’s what you do. Keep quiet. Just listen. Light suggestions are allowed. But DO NOT OFFER / IMPOSE A SOLUTION UNLESS SHE ASKS. I know it’s hard.. but you have to allow her to make mistakes of her own. I know you think your job is to protect here and make sure she never stumbles and falls. But actually, it isn’t. Your job is to be there and help her pick herself up.”
“But even when she does ask my help / advise, I get annoyed because I tell her what I think, but she still goes on to do whatever she wants. Why ask for my advice if you have no intention of taking it?”
“Advice is a weird thing. We all know we shouldn’t give it. But we all want to give it. Advice by definition means some sort of suggestion only. No one’s obliged to take it. And yet we feel hurt when it’s not heeded. But give her due respect. Even if you know your way is better, even if you know what you say is correct, let her make her own choice. You cannot impose your will on people. The more you try, the more they resist you. Don’t say ‘I told you so’ if you’re proven right. Just support her emotionally. (That means more listening, not more solutions). It’s more important for her to look to you as a source of strength and support rather than a source of solutions.”
“I feel like I’m the one doing all the compromising. It’s not fair. It’s always me giving in; it’s always me saying sorry. Sometimes, I just wish she would be the one to give in instead of me all the time.”
“That’s a tough one. No one wants to feel taken advantage of. We all want to receive in kind what we give. As much as we say love is selfless and giving, our hearts have very real needs too. And the need to be loved in return is probably at the top of that list. Problem is, you can’t twist someone’s arm into loving you. You can’t make X number of sacrifices and demand X number in return. Stop keeping score. If you keep score, she will too. And both of you won’t agree on what the true score is (Just think of the England-Germany match!) Don’t think of payback. Focus on giving. Focus on loving her. If you do this consistently enough, she will know that you only have her interest at heart. And it is natural after that she will soften her stand over time, and have your interest at heart too. She will start to show you love in return, but in ways of her own. And you must be wise enough to pick up those signals when it happens. In the mean time, you have to be patient. In relationships, it always takes time for your efforts to bear fruit.”
“What do you do about the whining?”
“Just go along with it. She just wants to vent. We all need someone to vent to. Heck I’ve been listening to you whine for the past 2 hours. You don’t see me complaining.”
“But I need her to be on the same page as me. There are so many things in life I want to do and achieve. It’s hard to achieve those goals if we don’t see eye to eye.”
“Be careful what you’re trying to say. Are you saying that she’s holding you back? There can be no such thoughts in a relationship. If you do, you’re suggesting that there is something else that ranks higher than her in your list of priorities. If you start to think of her as an obstacle for you achieving your goal, you will start to harbour ill feelings towards her, and you would have killed the spirit of the relationship. You just told me the most important thing to you is family.. and as far as I’m concerned, she’s as good as family. What kind of goals are you trying to achieve? Have you ever stopped to consider this; the relationship in itself is a goal. A relationship is something you build, keep and maintain. It’s not something you acquire en route to achieving something else. Maybe for a goal oriented person like you this is kind of hard to accept, but that’s how you should be looking at your relationship. It’s something you invest it; you make sacrifices, you make time, you make compromises, you spend money, all with the intention of nurturing the relationship.”
“About achieving your goals in life… that’s never an easy topic. It’s hard enough trying to achieve our goals when we’re single. It’s infinitely harder when someone else comes into your life with a different set all together. It will perpetually be a work in progress. You need to first learn what she wants out of life. Then you have to learn what you want out of life. Then stop, let these things sink in and simmer. Support each other wherever your goals do not conflict and continue on nurturing the relationship. Then at some point, when your relationship is deeply rooted enough, the two of you need to slowly work out what ‘WE’ want out of life. ‘WE’ need to have some sort of common vision. It doesn’t have to be an exclusive list where some of your goals are vetoed out and some of my goals are forced in. Instead, it will look more like a Venn chart. You both have different sets of things you want in life, but there is an intersection of core items both of you want in life. And that will be what keeps you united without compromising the rest of your goals. Find common ground. It's the oldest trick in the book. But please don’t bring a pen and pencil and sit her down and start examining her goals in life. This is more an emotional exercise rather than intellectual one. It takes a lot of discerning, self examination and soul searching…. and it takes a lot of time."
"Matters of the heart always do.”
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