Seeking God

There I was sitting amongst a group of over 20 people.. almost all of them complete strangers to me. I looked to my right. My mother was considerably uncomfortable. I pat her on the hand, trying to reassure her that it was OK. She never was really good with strangers. I don't think she wanted to be there. This was after all my idea. She wanted to just stay at home... but I insisted this was something we had to do. Actually, it was something I had to do. What I didn't tell her was that I was relying heavily on her for some courage just to be there. Truth be told, I don't think I was particularly good with strangers either.

To their credit, everyone at the cell group were extra nice to us. But everyone's nice to you when you're a first timer. It's the second / third visit, when you're no longer a first timer, but still a complete stranger that it becomes terrifying.... for me at least. But I was determined to take this first step anyway, however shaky it may be. The events of the past few weeks, months and years had compelled me to this point.

Someone in the group was saying that different people react differently when it comes to things that happen to them in their lives. Some are drawn closer to God by it... others are driven further away. That hit home for me. Because that was why I was here. I was trying to get closer to God. People say when your heart speaks… take good notes. And here are the notes I managed to write down.

Over days and nights of reflecting on my life thus far, I have come to the realization that the sum of all that I am, all that I have, and all the relationships and friendships that I enjoyed were not due to my own abilities but were a blessing from up above. This realization did not come after some awe inspiring sermon. Instead, it came to me gradually and slowly, after thinking back very carefully about very specific events in my life that brought me here today. Everything that I had, every person that I hold dear, every love I ever received… none of it were a result of my own planning, effort or initiative. Everything happened at its own accord, yet with a strange harmony and elegance. Some call it lucky coincidences. I call it divine providence. If I didn’t do all this, someone certainly did. I know things did not happen by chance because that’s not how chance looks like. Chance suggest a complete randomness. Randomness is chaotic, messy and disorganized. And though my heart does seem chaotic at times, my life on the other hand seems to be guided by an invisible hand.

Although not much of a spiritual person, I found it hard to deny that there was something or someone at work in my life. And on some intellectual level as well as deep deep down in my heart, I sort of acknowledge that it was God at work here. I just knew. Funny, considering I had been ignoring him for most of my life. I made a decision that day; that I would start being part a church again… in its proper sense. And here I was… taking my first step at that.

See, all my life… I believed in myself, in my own abilities, in my own talents. I believed that I was in control of my life. God featured very little in my plans.. I had it all planned out. When I was 17, I acted as if the realities of life would bend itself to conform my will. All I had to do was make the right moves, work hard, do the right thing, and the road to success would pave itself. Otherwise, I’d just make my own road, like some sort of trailblazer.  I’d live a different life. I knew I had what it takes to get there. When it came to relationships, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what all the right moves were. I had life figured outThat was me at 17.

In a few weeks time, I turn 25. The desire to succeed and the passion to achieve are no less there, but the aura of invincibility is gone. Within the last 8 years, life has been a series of starts, stops, mad breaks, crazy sprints, U-turns, double U-turns, detours, shortcuts, red lights, green lights, yellow lights… and even no lights. The road wasn’t quite what I thought it to be and I wasn’t all I thought myself to be either. I never came near to any of the paths I thought I was destined to take. Where I thought I was strong enough to succeed, I failed miserably.

Everyone born with drive and passion quietly label themselves trailblazers. Our confidence is such that we believe in our abilities to go far even when we haven’t quite figured out where that is or how we we’re going to get there. That’s how I felt too. But I looked back at myself and though about the defining points in my life; from high school, to college, to university, to work; from student, to undergraduate, to trainee, to colleague, to superior; from friend, to confidant, to lover, to fiancée. I asked myself this question “If I asked you when you were 17, to get to where you are today in 8 years, would you know how to get there? Would you, by your own efforts, been able to forge these sorts of relationships, be placed in these sorts of positions, have these sorts of doors opened? By yourself?”

I dared not say Yes.

By comparison to others, I have achieved nothing significant. I hold no Ivy League degree. I hold no fancy job. I’m not engaged to Miss Malaysia, and there’s still a million dollars missing from my bank account. I live an average, middle class life, just like 9 million other people living here. But you see, although I have not achieved much, the amount of obstacles I had to overcome were many. The degree of difficulty was also far higher than anything I imagined at 17. I dare not claim credit because in most cases, it wasn’t me who made the solution, it wasn’t me who solved the problem. All I did was what I could with what I have by having courage and keeping hope.

Life is less about the things you achieve, and more about the obstacles you overcome.... Who do you consider a success; one who had little obstacles to overcome in achieving much……or the one that overcomes much to achieve seemingly less? Who do you think deserves higher praise? Who do you think has accomplished more in their life? Who do you really think is really at work here?

It is with that in mind that I realized - I did not come this far in life on my own. I had help from people who walked by my side, and from God who hovered above. He was there all this time determining my steps, even though I neither felt his presence or sought his will.

And that’s the point really. We always thing about what we want in life, what we want to accomplish, what we want to do. And when life doesn’t turn out the way we want, we blame God. But in reality, this isn’t how things work. In his heart, man plans his course, but the Lord determines his step.  It is God’s will that prevails in the end. It is the path God chose for us that is that one we will end up on, regardless of what we think is our choice. The last 8 years had been living proof of it to me.

I needed to know what God’s plan for me was…. what the next 8 years is meant to be like. But I cannot know it, if I was far away from him.

“Is there anything you’d like me to pray for you?” someone asked me.

“Yes……I need to feel God’s presence closer in my life. I know him in my head, I’ve seen His with my eyes. But now, I need to feel Him in my heart. That's been missing in my life.”

And that really… is was why I was there….

Does that make sense?