I sit alone in my room with earphones plugged into my ear. I settle in half watching the TV muted, half appreciating the soft sounds of the piano from my playlist. Not doing anything really… Just sitting down thinking… if you can believe that.
I think a lot. More than what’s good for me… I think. It’s Saturday night. I ask myself why am I not out there enjoying the vibrant and exciting night life that Singapore has to offer. I tell myself I should be thrifty. No point spending booze and clubs when that same money is so needed elsewhere. I tell myself that a guy like me actually prefers a cozy night in with a good book and a hot cup of cocoa. But the truth is, when you’re alone, you don’t really feel like doing anything.
I’m not one of those kinds of people that can have a perfectly good time all by themselves. I know of friends who see a solo trip around the world as a dream come true. But it’s quite the opposite for me. Special moments in your life are never meant to be spent alone. I find no joy in experiencing a wonderful moment if there isn’t a person to share it with, however awesome. Don’t you think it’s miserable if you stood before the most breathtaking sight on earth, but there was no one there to appreciate the splendor of it all with you? On the other hand, even hard and miserable times becomes a moment to hold with special significance if there was someone there with you.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just needy. But I have come to realize and truly cherish the value of companionship.
I think I get pretty miserable when I’m alone sometimes. I was having coffee with a friend recently….. and somewhere along the conversation, she said “my phone can be totally silent for days….... no one calls me. I don’t understand how some people seem to be on the phone all the time”. I identified only too well with what she said. I too stare at my phone sometimes…… wondering why no one ever calls, no one ever says hello. And when it does, you just get annoyed, because it’s not the person you want to hear from.
I’m partly (if not totally) to blame actually. See, I’m picky with friends. I admit it. There are the people I deliberately stay away from, and there are the ones I go all out to befriend. Not that I think some are not good enough for me or anything like that. Just that I want friends that I can truly connect with. Friends I can have fulfilling and meaningful relationships; one that is not shallow and superficial. And while I do appreciate having activity partners and just a bunch of people to joke and talk rubbish with (as with my old bunch of friends), in the long run I find myself feeling disconnected from them. I need meaningful conversations, I need honest sharing, I need sincere care. I think a lot of people find that sort of stuff to be too heavy all the time.. which I totally agree. But to me, it is the mark of a meaningful and enduring relationship. In any relationship – siblings, parents, friends or lovers – you cannot remain relevant to one another if you do not share the things close to your heart with one another. If they do not know, they cannot be a part of it. If they are not a part of it.. and eventually… they stop becoming a part of you. And since there is only so many people I have been willing to share my heart with, there is only so many people I truly call friends.
A friend asked me if I would be in KL for the weekend. I said no. I noted ironically that all my family, my friends and my entire life is in KL, but all my work is in Singapore. It feels like my life has been split in two. And since I’m not really working in Singapore per se… but merely been seconded here on a pseudo temporary basis (which basically means I have no idea how long I will be here at all), I have been reluctant to take root. The only people I’ve managed to befriend are actually the hotel staff. I’m a regular guest by now. They even know which room I like. :-S
Even if I wanted to start making friends, I wouldn’t be sure where to start. I have like… ONE known friend working in Singapore… and frankly, that person belonged in the category of people I stay away from. Feels wrong to make use of them when I have no real desire to actually befriend them. A few other ideas came up… someone suggested I attend one of the churches here. No doubt, churches would immediately welcome newcomers with arms wide open…… but I felt a bit apprehensive. I already have a few super holy friends. Deeply religious people sort of intimidate me. Every time I’m with them, I feel pressured and compelled to live up to their standards of Godliness. Which isn’t bad in the most righteous sense… but you can’t really let your hair loose so to speak. Then I though perhaps I’d try checking out the bars or pubs around town. Perhaps people who frequent such places would be a bit more casual. The problem with places like Singapore and Asia is, you seldom go to a bar alone. People usually go with someone, whereas in western cultures, it’s perfectly normal to go to a bar to meet people and make friends. Over here, if you are a guy and you try to chat a woman up, they’ll think you are a creep. If you try to chat a guy up… well, lets not go there tonight.
I duno.. I’m just whining. I actually know exactly what I want. In the day, I want relaxed conversations over a cup of Americano coffee and lounge music. In the night, I want a pint of hooegarden, fun conversation and a live band. Coffee and beer are simple enough to find. But finding someone who knows how hold a decent conversation – that’s bloody hard. And I’m too lazy to start finding such a person over here.
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