of Nostalgia and Sing-Alongs

Something unexpected happened today.

We were on the way home after a short round of shopping in Ikea. I had wanted to buy myself a small table top for my room and since I was already out with both my parents, I told them to come along with me. I think I have been brooding pretty much the entire day today.... and even though I managed to pull through the day without actually pissing anyone off, I knew I wasn't exactly acting like your average bundle of sunshine either.

A few days earlier, I had burned myself another new mixed CD to listen in my car.. usually jumbled up with whatever songs it was I was currently in to... And one of those songs was Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters... the only oldies in the CD.. and also the last song.. or what I liked to call, the 'closing' song.

Anyway, there I was, continuing my silence as I inched forward in the jam, not bothering to make too much conversation with either of them... and they too seemed lost in their own thought. And then, this song came on... and suddenly, my father started tapping his fingers, then started drumming the dashboard. And my mother, who was sitting in the back seat.. started... SINGING ALONG.. word for word!! My mother never sings!! And here she was singing it with all the familiarity of a well loved song! And pretty soon, my father was humming it to himself too!

I looked away and out to the window. I had to bite my lips to contain the smile that was forming on my face. In a short span of 30 seconds, I had gone from sour-faced-brooding-emotional-wreck to silly-chap-laughing-at-his-parents-doing-sing-along.....I don't know why this felt so special to me.. only that it did. Maybe because it was so unexpected. Maybe because it was my favourite song too. Or maybe it was because I just KNEW that a song like this can only evoke one kind of feeling in everyone.. and that was nostalgia. I didn't have to know what was going on in each of their minds to know what they were feeling...and whatever it was, I was sure they were all thinking back on their past, as I was doing at that moment. And for some reason I still cannot crystallize into words just why that felt like such a tender moment to me.

Though I was out with both of them, my parents were not together anymore. The only reason they were sitting in the car, was because I was taking both of them out. They were married.. for over 15 years (give or take a few years).. before things just crumbled apart;  infidelity, distrust, depression, mental illness.... my brother and I watched as their marriage crumbled piece by piece. God knows how many things have happen between them. Hurtful words exchanged, betrayals, abuse..... to suddenly find the two of them living together again under the same roof purely out of the lack of any other option... was still a bit awkward for everyone.

And as the song played on.. I wondered whether the two of them were in any way thinking about their long ago doomed marriage. The boy driving the car (that's me by the way) was a direct product of the love they shared. I wondered if it was possible for them to look at my face and not be reminded of it.

Whatever it was they were thinking as they song those few lines, loudly and unabashedly in my car, I hope there were at least a few good or sweet things that were worth recalling back on too in addition to the bitter ones...

I continued smiling to myself, long after the song had finished.... STILL trying to pin point exactly what is it about that moment that seemed to spark something in my heart and lifted my spirits a bit. Maybe it's just life I was smiling at. I don't know. Or maybe it's just the sweet part of the better sweet nature of nostalgia that got my heart feeling alive again. I guess a very dear friend of mine got it spot on when she wrote these following lines in her own blog:


"I finally understand why people are so reluctantly fond of reminiscing about the past. Because it's bittersweet. Sometimes the bitter is too painful to remember... and the sweet too beautiful to forget."

What beautiful way of summing up how nostalgia feels like. Maybe that's why I was smiling. I'm such a sucker for nostalgia.

Sigh... :-)