God... I don't want anything. I just want a hug

I brought my mother to church last Sunday morning. Church on Sunday mornings seem to have become our little 'together' time for my mother and I, whenever I do manage to wake up to go that is... or whenever I'm not sleeping. My mother's quite clingy to me. If you ever see me with outside eyes, as we walk down the street to the church entrance, you will see this big overgrown young chap with a belly way too big, and eyes way too small.. and next to him, this petite, slightly limping, short woman clinging on to the guys' arm with a lot of involuntary facial movements on her face.

It was the first Sunday of the year.. and service was a bit longer than usual and for some reason, the worship team decided to sing all sorts of variations the song Amazing Grace. I love Amazing Grace... it touches me deeply every time I listen to it. I turned to my mother and casually told her "Ma, when I die, I want this song to be one of the songs played on my eulogy....." She looked at me and reached out her hand.. and clasped her palms against mine and kept silent for a while. "Don't think about death Hann.... You're still young, and you have a full life to live." she said to me... and kept silent. I looked back at her and kept silent as well. I wasn't sure if I had just touched a raw nerve with her, talking about me dying. My father once told me that it is every parents worst nightmare to outlive their children.. and to have to watch their children die before the. I just continued holding her hand, this time pulling it so that I was clasping it with both my hands. I tried thinking about how many people would actually be affected if I just dropped dead one day. I don't think there were that many, but they were significant to me. I heard a phrase once that said "Do not pity the dead. Pity the living.. and those who live without love. If I died today, who would be there to take care of them? And that song written by Garth Brooks and re-sang by Ronan Keating "Is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?" People always think funerals are for the deceased. But its actually for the living.. and those left behind to struggle on in life.. before finally passing on too.

After a few moments, I tossed the thoughts away. Spending your Sunday mornings thinking but your death was a bit too morbid, even for my standards.

I have a thing for the sound of pianos. I'm enchanted every single time I find myself standing before a pianist belting out song after song passionately, as if the essence of the song is literally flowing out of the tip of their fingers. A few weeks earlier, walking alone in the mall, there was a lady playing Christmas carols on the piano. I smile and nod at her, and stood there for a good 25 minutes just watching her playing song after song with so much enthusiasm and so much heart... it just entranced me. And I only left because I didn't want to freak the poor lady out fearing I might be some sort of crazy stalker.

And that Sunday morning, as the Pastor asked everyone to rise, bow our heads, close our eyes and join in prayer... the pianist worked his melodious magic. And I know I was really supposed to be focusing on God, and praying for the sick, and the poor and the needy and what have you.... but I was emotionally overwhelmed, as I had been for the past week anyway. And all I could think of in the still and quiet of that prayerful moment was "God............ I don't want anything. I just want a hug." It was at that moment that I realized just how starved of affection I really was. My heart felt like it was achiong, for want of a hug. I wanted a hug. I needed a hug.

Growing up mostly with my relatives, and also with my step mother and father, we were never really very touchy people. My father used to hug us and lift us up onto his shoulders when we were kids. But I guess most of it stopped after we grew up. I never started being touchy and 'huggy' until I actually started being in a relationship. And once I started...I guess I never stopped, as if trying to make up for the first 17 years of lack of hugs and physical affection. I hugged and I kissed my partner.... every damn day without fail, unless she was pissed at me and threatened to bite my arm if I came anywhere near her.

I reached out, and held my mother by the shoulder, as we walked away from church.. and I gave her a brief, sideways hug, and she held my arm close to her body. She was never this touchy or warm when I was growing up. Maybe it was because of the depression and schizophrenia that made it impossible in the past. Back then, if she wasn't lying around sleeping the whole day, she was up, going on and on in the most paranoid manner about my father and his alleged affairs. But these days, the gives out hugs and kissed to us, as often as the opportunity arises... which makes me really glad. We drove off and went home.

That night, as we were about to part ways, she again, extended her arms wide open, and I hugged her tightly.. and she gave me a kiss on my cheek.. again someting she never did when I was young. And I was just thinking.. perhaps I wasn't the only one trying to make up for loss time when it came to hugs and kisses. I drove in silence... and asked myself of all days, of all times, why did I suddenly have this strong desire or need to be hugged. Why now? Why today?

Maybe it's because deep down... I'm still feeling lonely... and longing so badly for some sort of affection. I'm still trying to come to terms... trying to get grips on the fact that I could leave office at 6.30pm or 9.30pm.. and it doesn't really make a difference, because no one's waiting for me. I could decide to take a 2 hour drive down to Melaka and have chicken rice ball and Satay celup, stay the night there, travel further south to Singapore and make my slow way home through the trunk roads and be home 2 days later... and no one would really mind or care in any way. No one really cares. I am alone. And it's hard to admit.

I think my pride has somehow not allowed me to admit that I'm lonely. Not to myself, and certainly not to the people around me. A friend ask me point blank, as 6~7 of us were out having dinner together "How? Are you lonely?". And I stared blankly at him. It was the last question I was prepared to answer. "Welll...okaaaaay la.. I mean... It's alright. I'm managing. It's not like I'm going to die." I managed a weak smile before burying my head, looking down at the food I was eating. And in my heart, I just wonder "Why do people even bother asking such silly questions anyway? OF COURSE I FEEL LONELY YOU IDIOT, DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK? Do you expect me to have some sort of emo episode right there and then? I love my friends to bits.. but they sure can be such a bunch of insensitive idiots at times.

School has been out for me for a good few years now. But I guess when it comes to the subject of love, and life..... and everything in between, class is never out. There is always something to learn, or re-learn. And for me this year, I either have to learn how to get more hugs without actually having to ask for one.... or I just need to finally learn how to be by myself without feeling like half a person.