I don't know if I've bee sounding a bit too much like I'm on the brink of amok in the past week. Every since I posted my last few Facebook shout outs regarding the church attacks in Malaysia, a few friends have come called to talk or meet up with me.
For the record, this is what I said:
"Pardon my french again people.. but.. WHAT THE F**K IS THIS MAN!!!????? You're not happy over a court ruling, and you don't like us using a word, so you FREAKING BOMB US??!!! I love this country and it's people to bits, but if this is how things are going to be, if this is how we as minorities in this country are going... to be treated.... I DON't WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE."
"So you believe in Muhammad, you pray 5 times a day, you zakat, you fast for a month, you do the Haj once, and you bomb churches at night?! God bless you..."
One group attempted to pacify me with lots and lots of durians (in a durian buffet in PJ) and lots and lots of slapstick jokes. Another friend called me up and gave me a 30 minute lecture on 'righteous anger', proper 'Christ-like' responses, and debating about whether or not Jesus would approve showing the middle finger while turning the other cheek. Another friend called from Australia and spoke to me for a whopping six hours (which was a personal record for both of us)..... but I wasn't sure if that had anything to do with my angry rantings or just an long overdue call to say hello.
And today, out of the blue, I just got my ass dragged out of office in the middle of my work day today by a friend who lives nearby my office. I thought she missed talking to me or whatever. Turns out she just wanted to check if I was OK (or if I've murdered anyone for the matter) after reading my statuses.... and upon ascertaining that I wasn't on the brink of murder, and some very brief update on each others life, I got unceremoniously shooed off to work again. "Thanks for your concern. Your mouth isn't the least bit sweet, but your actions certainly are." I said to my foul mothed friend. She was the type that did more swearing in a day than I do in a month...... "Whaaaat... go back to work la you..... and enjoy your final stages of single hood before your doom " came the snickering reply.
I slammed the door and walked up the stairs, smiling to myself. Not everyone is good at expressing themselves in words. But sometimes, what they cannot express in words, they make up for in actions... which are infinitely more powerful. Maybe this is just me being 'syok sendiri', I'd like to think that taking time off her busy schedule, making the extra effort to drop by to see me before crashing into bed as soon as she got home was her own little way of being a friend... just her way of saying "I'm here, I care." without saying it out loud. I'd like to think that if that was the message, then it was a message well received. And I was happy to think that maybe... maybe there are people that care after all. Maybe they aren't very involved in your life... but it didn't stop them from caring... and I guess the thought of that was what the smile was all about.
Everyone who called on me this few days were in no way friends in common. They were all different people I know from different stages of my life... but they all had one thing in common.. they've all known me for a long time.. the shortest being 6 years of friendship. In a way, I kind of understood their reaction... because as with the colleagues that work with me, none of them have ever seen my loose my temper, none of them have ever seen me come out so strongly and so vocally about anything at all... hence their shock. I told one friend it was because the church that was attacked was the one I was supposed to get married in. I told another that SOMEONE had to have to be the voice of anger and outrage, and since most others were either too afraid to offend others, or preaching words of peace and forgiveness, I will do it. Because I had nothing to loose, except the goodwill of a few distant friends. I thought "OK, I'll be the immature, angry, emotional one this time... so that other wiser and calmer people can come and save everybody with their message of love, peace and harmony." But to a few........I told the honest answer....... that it was just really me, looking for an excuse to be pissed off because I needed to. I don't know if they understood it.... but at least I could see that accepted it.
In my darkest thoughts, I often wonder about how much people really cared. The melancholic side of me constantly wants to believe that people don't really care..... that people are essentially selfish and self serving, that they only hang around you when there is benefit to them; financial, emotional, physical, mental... whatever.. it was only when you had something they needed that they come to you. And the other side of me constantly wants this to be proven wrong. That people do come to you sincerely and selflessly offering you their friendship without asking for much, except perhaps yours in return.... which I guess I would only be too eager to give.
So ya... I think I will sleep with an easy heart tonight with a renewed sense of confidence in friendships... and mostly... in people.
Cheers....
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