No More Brooding...

OK, I'm done with brooding... for now at least.

I've been in a dark dark mood these few weeks, in some sort of self imposed deliberate mental / emotional exile from the world and everything around me. I know I've always been retract-into-a-shell kind of person anyway... but this time, it felt particularly deep..... because I somehow managed to go through the motions of daily life and at the same time feel completely isolated and unhappy. The reasons are many and varied... and I guess the timing was one of the worst... Christmas holidays, with all its cheer and jolliness just served to juxtapose the gloom inside my heart. And the more I saw happy and excited people around me, the more I was being reminded how I'm not one of them. I guess perhaps that's why I chose to spend the new year alone. I didn't want to be reminded by others, however unintentionally, of how unhappy I was during this time.

'Grieving' I call it.... It came to me when a friend of mine mentioned the word, and asked me what was the 5 stages of grieving.. which I forgot. In no particular order, here they are; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. When faced with a loss, everyone generally goes through this 5 stages, in no particular order, and in no particular duration. Some breeze through a few and get stuck indefinitely at some, others go back and forth between a few.... and I guess in a way, that's what I've been going through.... and looking into myself, I think I've been going back and forth between a few, getting stuck in a few more than the rest. And one stage I was stuck with was anger. All this angry post you've been reading, all this Facebook rantings you read... it was never really about the issue. I'm upset about it YES... my opinions and feelings about it were true YES, but the intensity... the intensity came from THIS; this angry state of mind and heart that I've been in due to my grief.

"What ARE you grieving about?" you may wonder. Well.... I thought I knew, then I wasn't sure. I was wondering how come there wasn't a 6th stage of Grief called 'utterly-confused-and-messed-up'..... But maybe that wasn't the grieving, that was just me being me. If I had to name some of the things I felt I loss, it would be..... lost of attention, companionship, affection and love. Not just in the receiving of these things.. but in the giving as well.

For a long long time now, I've been living my life by either giving attention, being a companion, listening to people.. and just showing love to the people around me. I take pride in the fact that I go out of my way, even at an inconvenience to myself for the people I care about, whether it's my fiancee, my friends, or my family. I will come if you need me. I will go if you want me to. I will do it, if it means a lot to you. If I care about someone, going out of my way for them is the only real and practically way I know how to show I care. Don't think I'm so noble and selfless. I'm not. Deep inside, a big part of me craves to be acknowledged and appreciated for all that I do for them. It's how I feel validated. It's how I gain my sense of self. But this desire to be validated.... is never voiced out. Because some funny part of me believes that they should come naturally and sincerely on it's own... without me needing to 'ask' for it.

So what am I grieving again? I'm grieving the fact that I don't have anybody to care about (in my immediate and reachable vicinity).. and there isn't anybody around to care about me. There's only so much friends can do for you... especially with the kind of friends I have. That's why you see me bitterly stating that I could die today and no one would notice, although I know that isn't entirely true. (My corpse will probably start stinking in 3 days anyway). A friend told me that I needed to get a life. I agree. Then I remembered that I had a life 3 months ago. But a big chunk of that life flew off on a plane to the other side of the world.. and has now been reduced to 3a.m. chats on Skype. I suddenly find myself having more time to myself than I know what to do with. I have more time for friends, but find that I have no companions. Companions to do simple things like having dinner, or buying something in the mall, or just someone to do nothing with, you know?

I think of rebuilding my life up again, I do.... but the thing with rebuilding something is, it can't be out of thin air....you still need something to build with!

Anyway... I won't try to tell you I'm perfectly fine now. I know I'm still lonely. I know I'm still sad.... and I think I will remain this way for quite some time.... until my heart gets used to being a lone ranger again. But at least.. I'm know not angry anymore. For a person like me, who deals with anger and rage with as much grace as a lumberjack does with figure skating, I'm glad it's over.